Hey Mike,

I read through the other comments and I agree with everything they had to say about formatting and that you tend to be too descriptive. This script could probably be tightened down to five fewer pages. I’m only mentioning this because I’m always told this too. It makes for a nice read, but like someone told me earlier today, screenplays should be written in such a way that the eye and mind can just breeze right through a script together, fast.

I won’t say anything here about typos and things like that, instead I will stick to commenting on your story only.

SPOILERS:

Positive:

Nice story
Well told
Nice build up of suspense
I can see this as a TV movie
Nice beginning

Negative:

The Stranger does some strange things. Yeah, in the beginning that’s good because you do have me thinking he’s probably the killer. When we found out he’s Dr. Ellis then some of the things he did previously seem down right dumb. Stupid even if all he wanted to do was to warn them or watch over them, why on earth is he acting so suspiciously? He chases them with his car out in a field and totals his car even. Those are all things that work well if he’s the killer, but since he’s not, it just seems dumb.

After the girls have just been chased by what they believe is a serial killer, Julie’s still somehow captivated by Steve? Being a woman myself, I can pretty much guarantee you that if I have just been chased by a killer, I’m not going to be captivated by anyone no matter how charming and good looking they might be. I don’t think anyone can switch from fleeing for their life to switching gears to romance that quick. An adrenaline rush from fear doesn’t go away that quick.

On page 20 Julie blows up at Laura and accuses her of being to “overbearing” (don’t know if that’s the right word). I didn’t see that coming at all and totally disagreed with it. If you want to keep that you may want to have a smaller conflict between them earlier on. This seemed too, out of the blue.

I think it’s unrealistic to have two young girls traveling together in a foreign country go separate ways after an argument, especially when they are being stalked.

Perhaps the biggest problem of all that I had with your script is when Laura accidentally kills the Station Attendant. He was an innocent person, he had done nothing wrong. All I could think while reading this was that if this had been me I would feel so, so bad. I would feel sick about it, yet in your script it’s no big deal at all.

I had a hard time believing Laura could just go to bed, when she believes her friend Julie is with a serial killer and she has killed someone as well. I fail to see why they can’t call the cops. You’re probably going to answer that with, because the cops are not on the case anymore and since Laura and Dr. Ellis doesn’t have anything concrete to tell them…and also because Laura has killed the Station Attendant. To me, those are the same reasons why I personally would call the police. Just me though….

I found it odd that they are in England or Ireland and no one’s asked them where they are from. I don’t have much of a Swedish accent left, but I’m asked all the time where I’m from.

After Julie’s gone missing with a stranger in a pick-up truck, I found it unbelievable that Laura accepts a ride with a stranger in a pick-up.

On page 53 Laura and Steve are talking about where Julie spent the night. How does Laura know Julie didn’t spend the night in a Hotel? Laura was at Dr. Ellis’s house, how would she know Julie’s not safe.

Laura suspect Steve to be the killer, but she still gets in the car with him?

How do we know the house is abandoned? If it looks really, really bad and truly abandoned, then why is Laura running in there when she’s fleeing from someone she thinks killed her friend?

I hope I didn’t seem too negative here. All in all, I think you did a good job. I just had some major problems with some of the actions of the characters. I hope you can see that I’m only trying to help here and that you don’t think I have something against you.


Pia  

Thanks Pia.

I agree with much of what you've said.  I've gotten alot of feedback now from the reviewers here and from other places.  Enough now that I can begin work on what will become a major rewrite.  

I think this particular script for me became more of an exercise in creating a mood than telling a story.  I wanted to establish a sense of tension and unease.  My rewrites will focus more on the story and, as you say, the character actions.

Thanks again.  I'll take into account all of your points.

-Mike

I know you said you like to get underneath the skin of the characters and I love the fact you take to heart character development and such, but you don’t have to get in the head to express how there feeling, what you should be able to do and I admit it can be hard at times, is be able to express the characters feelings, emotions in that moment of the scene through there actions. This is what separates writers.
--
EXAMPLE

JULIE
This is really nice of you to give us a lift, uh...

STEVE
Steve... Not at all.  

Julie flashes him a smile.  Laura rolls her eyes.

Julie has managed to nudge her way past Laura and is leaning in on him.  

JULIE
We’d really appreciate it.

STEVE
(Coming to)
Uh...sure.  Hop in.

Julie smiles confidently.  She knows how to work’em.
--
“She knows how to work’em” I didn’t see that. And I sure as, don’t know that Julie knows that herself. Maybe if she winked at Laura she’d come of as cocky or arrogant.

All she does is lean in on him and ask a question. Now, if she knew how to work him, first this would require skill, and Steve would have been on the verge of not giving them a ride or thinking about when Julia would bat, her eyes, says something innuendo, or funny to make him shift uncomfortably or become eager and offer the ride. But instead Steve doesn’t put up much of a fight for her to work him. Then you wouldn’t have to say, “She knows how to work him.” We just saw her do it.

This may make the scene longer, but worth it I think if your point is to show she knows how to work him, puppet on a string, but also this should be setting up something later in the story where Julia would use this skill to get Steve in trouble or the skill backfires at a pivotal point and Steve reveals he’s been playing her for a fool. This is how crucial narrative action can be when used to its dramatic potential everything leads, ends, or expands on something.

I though you did a good job at setting up future ramifications, troubles, and dramas that would come from being in basically a foreign area. Julia’s wild, adventures ways which does come into fruition when she high tails it out of the café to hang with Steve. And I loved the argument between the two girls cause I got drama on top of what the girls believe in and their values. The problem is you set up Laura as a more reasonable person at least between the two, but you don’t follow that characteristic when she’s faced with things that would contrary to it and cause drama. Example if an adventures, know no bounds person goes backpacking with a responsible, street smart person they’re bound to get into a disagreement which happened.

But I found it incredible hard to believe that Laura would let Dr. Ellis getaway with basically using her friend and her as bait without giving him a piece of her mind when they’re at the cabin. I also think the argument would have added drama between the two.

Example: while in the middle of explaining his motives she’d interrupt angry that he’d stand by and watch as some serial killer watch them and allow take her friend, questioning how close he was going to let the serial killer get before intervening. Dr. Ellis would try to apologies before realizing he doesn’t have a leg to stand on cuz what he was doing was wrong. He’d give her time too cool off in which time she would focus on the news articles one unparticular about a girl who doesn’t hold any significant till Dr. Ellis reenters and explains his story.
I do love the fact that Dr. Ellis has a ghost and too me he is the most intriguing character cause he has the most to learn out of this experience. But I didn’t like that we got like an entire lecture about what happened too me it was I don’t want to say too much info too fast, but its just that fact that the whole scene seemed to be a ploy to tell his story, I mean just paragraphs of him talking and Laura who I say again just stabbed a man and friend is missing listens like a Zen master, lol. Their was other things too talk about like I mentioned Laura being upset this also gives her reason to leave early because Dr. Ellis hasn’t gained her total confidence cuz other wise why would she search for her friend alone w/o asking for help by police, ah so she killed a man so she can’t go and see the cops fear of being found out, yet she’s not distraught about killing someone, now that really should of the been the first thing disused at the cabin she should have been in a state of shock; upset which would lend to the tirade she’d lay on Dr. Ellis about using them as bait she’s upset about what Ellis did, but more so that she could of killed a man.

I really think Laura’s hollow feelings about her situation could cause people not to care as much about the outcome of her story as much as they possible can. I know I didn’t. I think you have to get Laura to acknowledge what Dr. Ellis was doing was wrong and forgive him cause lets face it whether or not his daughter was killed, kidnapped or not, we the audience don’t know her, we’re emotionally invested in Laura so her well fare comes first and we can only move on to being emotionally involved to Dr. Ellis story when she forgives him and is willing to listen, now we the audience are willing to listen. Otherwise Ellis is an a**hole and just as dangerous as the serial killer and kind of an accomplice.

I do like the overall outline of the story; I think you can go further with it. It’s a great little movie for indie too which I think is cool. And I actually like the title, some of the titles I see on here and I don’t know if it’s the logline that messes up the title or what but a lot, a lot of these titles don’t give a sense of the genre of the movie, a possible plot, or generate interests. Yours does “The False Road” sells signs of mystery, thriller, possible flawed characters on the wrong path… and it’s a key plot point in the story.

I don’t know how many pro scripts you’ve read but highly recommend “The Crying Game” so you can see what I mean by how everything sets up something else and how characteristics are setup to spark and settle drama.

OK, gotta go, nap time.

Thanks for your insight Insideman.  I'm glad you focused your review on the character motivations and how they pertain to the overall story.  I'm well into my rewrites now and that has been my main focus.

This thriller genre is a tough nut to crack.  I don't think I was quite prepared for all the complexities involved when I initially wrote this but it has taught me a great deal about the craft of storytelling.   Actually, I'd highly recommend any beginning screenwriter take on a mystery/thriller.  You really get thrown to the wolves but you come out much stronger.

You've brought up several points that I hadn't considered.  Laura's reaction to Dr. Ellis is one, as well as her hollow feelings towards her situation.   You should be happy to know that in my rewrite she no longer kills the station attendant.

I've read a handful of pro scripts but not 'The Crying Game'.  I saw the movie some time ago when it first came out.  I don't recall every aspect of the story but if it is well-crafted then maybe I should check it out.

Thanks again.  Now I think I need a nap.

No, prob.

Many of movie genres have their difficulties, but i'd agree plot wise it can be most difficult I plan on adding a script of my own to the genre, after i've submitted my drama. I had to start smaller cuz the thriller/mystery i was doing had me running in circles and you'll see why after I post it. I'm getting ahead of myself on that one though.

I'll definitely be there for the re-write. And quick question I've been wondering do you work on one script at a time or find yourself, splitting, and find youself atleast working on two or three different scripts?

I usually just try to focus on one script at a time but occasionally I'll go back to an older script of mine and do some rewrites on it.  The odd time I might start something new if the inspiration hits me.  Writing is organic for me so basically I just follow my inspiration and let it evolve on its own.  I don't think there's a right or wrong here.  

FYI, I'm well into my rewrite on this but still have a ways to go.  It could be a little while before I have it posted.  So far I've made quite a few story changes.  As I mentioned before Laura no longer kills the station attendant.  As others have pointed out that really did little to advance the story.  I've also managed to flesh out the characters a little better.  Both Steve and the killer are more central now (I still need to find a motivation for the killings).  As well, the girls are now English Lit students on a sort of spiritual quest, seeking inspiration while visiting the birthplace of their favorite poets.  This establishes a sort of motif for the rest of the story as Laura witnesses the doctor's all-consuming passion to find his daughter's killer get the better of him.

I was just wondering cause sometimes I see posts of scripts that get none to little reply, then the writer's of said script rather then tryin' to get their script read post another script. And the biggest benifit of the site is interacting to help other writers and impoving yourself. But if no one replies to a script you've written why go through daunting task of writing a new script when you're likely to make the same errors as before.

What one should be focusing on is turning what they had into a better hook, title, premise, network the site better inorder to get the responses cause there's a reason no one's willing to take a look at somelses' script. I'm ranting but i hate coming to this site seeing all these scripts with so little replies. It should be fewer scripts and more replies, hey i'm starting to remind myself of Jerry Maguire, but if instead of newbies first post being scripts it should reveiws. I've got what under 20 posts I think but I've read 3 full and 2 shorts that i've given reveiws and half of several other scripts before ever posting just to see what people here were all about.

But anyway when you post the re-write will it say something like False Road (rewrite) or what's the deal with how thats done?

I guess when I do repost this I'll keep the title the same.  I have a revision dated noted at the bottom of the title page so I'll just update that.  That should be sufficient I think.

I'm not sure if you're referring to me specifically but the reason I keeping posting scripts before getting back more feedback on the first one is because I just enjoy writing.  It's hard to stop when you have all these ideas bouncing around in your brain.  I'm actually focused right now on my rewrites - this one specifically.  

I hope to have it up in the next couple of months if all goes well and I can tell you alot has changed.  The feedback I have gotten has been very helpful.  

I wouldn't get too discouraged.  It's hard at first around here but like anything you have to pay your dues.

Ok, I'm at the first plot-point, so I'll comment here.

First off, you know how to write, let me just say that.  BUT, it seems like you're writing is more suited towards novels.  You make little asides here and there that really just have no place in a screenplay.  I see why you're doing it, but you really need to show more than tell.  A few examples are "This is the setting.."(p.3), "Dead to the world" (p.3), "What's the use?" (p....stuff like that.  You need to work on making this less like a novel.

Also, your formatting for characters is wrong.  Maybe this is a type of formatting I just haven't seen before, but devoting an entire space to a character's description, like "STRANGER" or something like that, is too much.  Also, when you write "A SHADOWY FIGURE!"...it's waaay to cheesy.  It seems like you're mocking the genre here.

I'm enjoying the story and am interested, but I'm a little weary about the direction it's heading.  I've seen a lot of these films before, so I'm hoping for a breath of fresh air at some point.

Thanks Dresseme.

I should mention off the top that I'm in the process right now of a rewrite on this one so any feedback is appreciated.  I'll take anything you say to heart.

I can't disagree with anything you've mentioned so far, just that I hope, despite some obvious flaws, you get some enjoyment out of it.  Honest feedback is always good though.

Ok, first off, I agree with almost everything Pia said above.  Both positive and negative.  However, it's because of this that I wasn't able to fully enjoy the story.  At times I really was left questioning why it was characters would do what they did.  The biggest "WTF?!" moment came in the end when she went with him even though she thought he was the killer.  The biggest problem with your main character is that you'd never know she was being chased by a serial killer and that her friend is probably with him.  I never really felt that grip of tension because nobody else in the story felt it.

I think you just need to go back and dwell on why it is everyone does what they do.  You don't really have much lee-way in a thriller like this.  In Based on a True Story, for example, I had A LOT of suspension of disbelief, but I was awarded that because of the slapstick nature of the genre.  With thrillers (and dramas) you have to meticulously go through every action of your characters and make sure a rational person would make such moves.

Also, I can't help but think something else needs to be added to this story.  Another element to seperate it from all the other girls/serial killers movies.  I don't know what that element is, but I really think it needs something else.  Something so that when someone reads your logline, you have an answer when they say "Ok, this sounds very familiar...what seperates it from other thrillers like it?"

Other than that, good work.  Hope my comments helped somewhat, and I know you're on your next draft, so good luck with that.

Thanks Dresseme

Quoted from dresseme At times I really was left questioning why it was characters would do what they did.  The biggest "WTF?!" moment came in the end when she went with him even though she thought he was the killer.

Funny - once these things get pointed out to you they seem so obvious. I'm working hard to remedying this as we speak.

Quoted from dresseme Also, I can't help but think something else needs to be added to this story.  Another element to seperate it from all the other girls/serial killers movies.

That's a tough one but a goood point.  I hate being lumped in with those movies.  I've tried to flesh out the characters more fully in this new draft.  I've also eliminated a few few cliche moments that, as you say, mock the genre.  No one has sex or makes out in this one either so hopefully this will seperate it from the others.  Of course these things can't be put into a logline.  I'll have to think about this further.

MGJ,

I took a few notes while reading this.

S
P
O
I
L
E
R


I don't mind an occassional aside, but asking the reader, as you did on page 5, "Could this be the same man we saw following them earlier?" was, I think, unnecessary. The story itself ought to prompt such questions -- in any case, I felt like the author was holding my hand, making sure I understood what was happening. This, I'm certain, wasn't your intent.

Most of my comments are minor nits. That said, this will be brief.

As I've written before, I like your writing style, but do feel it could be tighted up a bit -- made more concise. This, of course, is a matter of opinion.

On page 91, you wrote: "Furlong withdraws his pistol as he races up to the cottage." To withdraw means "to take back or away; remove." I mention this, minor as it is, because I saw the word used in a similar way in another one of your scripts -- Milo.

As for the characters, Although Julie has less screen time, I felt I knew her in a way I didn't know Laura. That said, her character would, I think, benefit from a little more background info. She's an eng lit student. Other than that, I haven't a clue as to who she is. I might be way off, but I get more of a sense of who she isn't rather than who she is. She isn't Julie.  

The other characters, being supporting players, seemed fine. I did, though, have a difficult time imagining a pastor telling a man who lost both his wife and daughter "God sometimes tests us.  But it's important to realize that he does this to teach us how to love him." It seems given his position, the pastor should be more sensitive. I understand, in terms of the story, why the above line was written, but it doesn't ring true. At least not me.

I, also, found it difficult to accept that Laura, rather than searching for her missing friend, who she thinks may be with a serial killer, goes to bed.

The biggest problem I had with the story is that Pete, the killer, after page 18, disappears, not returning until page 82.  I, of course, didn't suspect him. In fact, I forgot all about him. Perhaps this was your intent. In any case, I felt a little cheated. As if you employed a short-cut. One that was sure to prompt the reader not to consider Pete a suspect. I don't know, maybe this would play better on screen.

That said, I'd like to see Pete more involved, even if only peripherally -- a few more scenes here and there, etc.

Over all, it was a well-crafted story. One that kept me guessing.

Seth

Thanks Seth.

Quoted from Seth As I've written before, I like your writing style, but do feel it could be tighted up a bit -- made more concise. This, of course, is a matter of opinion.

Actually it's a bad sign when I get too wordy.  It usually means I'm overcompensating.  In truth writing this script has been an uphill battle.  I wrote Milo in about three months and Rodent Brigade in about the same time.  This script, on the other hand, I've been working on and off for about three years.   I could never seem to get into a rythm.

Quoted from Seth As for the characters, Although Julie has less screen time, I felt I knew her in a way I didn't know Laura. That said, her character would, I think, benefit from a little more background info. She's an eng lit student. Other than that, I haven't a clue as to who she is. I might be way off, but I get more of a sense of who she isn't rather than who she is. She isn't Julie.

I wonder if in all the rewrites and tinking I did, if some of the essence of the story and the characters in particular didn't get lost.  In my mind Laura's the most fully realized character.  She has less screen time in this draft so maybe some of her personality was sacrificed along the way.

Quoted from Seth The biggest problem I had with the story is that Pete, the killer, after page 18, disappears, not returning until page 82.  I, of course, didn't suspect him. In fact, I forgot all about him. Perhaps this was your intent. In any case, I felt a little cheated. As if you employed a short-cut. One that was sure to prompt the reader not to consider Pete a suspect. I don't know, maybe this would play better on screen.

I guess it probably was a short-cut in a way, although not an intentional one.  If you forgot about him then that's a very bad sign I'd say.  Maybe, as you suggest, a few more scenes with him could help flesh out his character a little better.

Better late than never, as promised, here’s my review. With spoilers, of course.

I’ll start by mentioning what worked. You’ve got a clearly defined protagonist (Laura) with a clearly defined goal (find her missing friend that might have been kidnapped by a serial killer) and with much at stake if she fails (hers friend’s life an hers).

Basic as it sounds, a great percentage of thrillers in specland lack one or more of these elements. So I think this is a positive aspect of your work that sets it apart from tons of unproduced scripts and it’s worth mentioning.

I also liked that it was Julie (the adventurous type) the one that disappeared. And Laura (more of the shy type) the one who was forced to look for her friend. Giving a character a goal that opposes his/her nature is always a good recipe for inner conflict.

However, there were some aspects that -IMO- could be improved upon. Here are some suggestions.

Establishing your protagonist’s goal is definitely first act material but it’s around page 34 when it’s clear that Laura is determined to find her missing friend. I’m not a Syd Field fan who will tell you that the first plot point should be located around p.25-27. But I do believe that the first act (or setting up the main conflict) shouldn’t take more than -roughly- ¼ of your script. And, IMO, p.34 is a little to late for a 89 page thriller.

Have in mind that a stranger stalking these girls during the first pages works fine as a promise of future conflict, but this angle looses impact upon repetition. Once the audience knows someone is following these girls, there’s no additional mystery to be created if you show the stranger following them again. Maybe you could condense your stalking scenes in order to cut some fat out of your first act.

The second act felt a bit thin. Once the main conflict is established and the protagonist’s goal defined, things should get worse for the hero and the conflict must escalate. If you got static conflict, your story looses momentum. Act 2 is quicksand; the more the hero tries to get out of his problem, the more he gets suck into it (the more Marty Mc Fly tries to make his mother fall in love with his father, the more his mother fells in love with him).

Not long after the second act kicked in, Laura found an ally (Dr. Ellis) which made things better for her instead of escalating the conflict. And I should say that the killer made things easy for her as well (he left that room unlocked with chains on the floor, there’s also the feather, etc). I think Laura should find more opposition and less help during the second act, that way her goal will be more difficult to achieve and you’ll be able to put more conflict into the story.

Peter is so careless in leaving incriminating clues that it makes me wonder why couldn’t the police (or Steve) find him responsible of the murders in the first place. Make Peter smart and cunning, make him a bigger challenge for Laura and you’ll have a better story.

Your third act has all the basic third act-ish elements: the killer reveals himself, Julie appears, the heroine confronts the killer and he dies. I was kinda expecting an additional surprise (I was suspecting that both Steve and Peter were the killers) that never came. It would have been a nice reversal to have Laura confront Steve after thinking that -with Peter dead- it was all over.

I liked to find out that Laura made up a false story in order to cover Dr. Ellis. It was an unexpected little surprise.

Some additional comments:

-P.11 Ha! Peter doesn’t waste much time haha!

-P.38 I don’t think you need the scene where Furlong tells his companion he’s going out.

-P.43 “Laura finally stops struggling, sensing that maybe his intentions might not be sinister.”

I don’t know if you intended this or not, but I figured this long before her, and that’s why her behavior towards Dr. Ellis was starting to annoy me. I think she should figure out earlier that this stranger had not sinister intentions towards her.

-P.50 Acting like bait is a bold, risky move but that can pay off and seems to be the only one since the police seems to be doing nothing about this case. I wish Laura (protagonist) had come up with this idea instead of Ellis (a secondary character). She needs to be more active in pursuing her goal. Despite the fact that Laura isn’t of the adventurous type, it would be nice to have the circumstances push her character in order to make this decision.

-P.53.

"LAURA
(Sitting up, concerned)
Yeah but, are you’re sure this is going to work?  I mean, what if he sees you?  What if he figures out what we’re up to?"

She forgot to ask the main question: "What if he kills me?"

-P.55 Laura waking up is not relevant to move the story forward. You could cut this scene.

As you can guess I think a rewrite is in order, but I can also see you succeed in basic aspects where many other writers fail.

Hope this comments may be of help. Good luck.