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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The False Road Moderators: bert
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  Author    The False Road  (currently 6510 views)
Don
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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False Road, The by Mike Jones - Thriller - Two young women are targeted by a serial killer while hiking together in the remote countryside of England's Lake District.  When one of them is abducted the other is left alone and vulnerable.  She teams with a mysterious stranger who has his own personal interest in the killer. 65 pages - doc, format


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Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 22nd, 2008, 10:03pm
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mgj
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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This is the first script I ever wrote, four years ago.  I've since given it a complete overhaul.  Although I think it's much better now, a fresh perspective would be helpful.

This was intended as a character driven piece.  I was going for something moody and atmospheric with not so much of a reliance on the blood and gore elements.  That being said, one thing I was trying desperately to avoid was the 'artificial slow buildup' where nothing much happens just for the sake of creating a slow build in the story.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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George Willson
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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Quoted from mgj
That being said, one thing I was trying desperately to avoid was the 'artificial slow buildup' where nothing much happens just for the sake of creating a slow build in the story.


If it's a thriller, you need the slow build-up; it's a staple of the genre. If the story is good enough to produce, I can guarantee a director will insert that slow build whether you've written it or not.



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Shelton
Posted: May 30th, 2006, 2:42am Report to Moderator
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MGJ,

Managed to get to this rigth away since I can't sleep, so here's some feedback.

You have A YOUNG WOMAN or TWO YOUNG WOMEN followed by a description.  No need to put them in front like that.  Better to just put it in the description right off, and lose the caps.  Also, with the two young women, since you're naming them soon after, just put Two young women, JULIE and LAURA, both 22, blah blah blah, then describe then in the next paragraph.

"This is the setting that has inspired poets and dreamers for centuries."  I don't think you need this line since it can't be filmed, and your initial description was good enough.

Julie, ever the performer,  Can't be filmed, and since we're just meeting these girls, a viewer would never know that about them.  Same thing applies to the "would be divas" line just before.

You've got some camera directions in here, such as the Stranger's POV, that shouldn't be here.

Julie falls asleep awfully fast.

Reading through the dialogue, you gave a lot of parentheticals/acting directions.  You're better off using this as little as possible.

The flashback scene seems kind of unnecessary to me.

Ok, I got to the end, and there are a couple of things that seem odd to me.  First, Steve being blasted away with the shotgun.  Was this Steve's shotgun, or did Dr. Ellis have i tin his car?  Either way i tdoesn't seem like an appropriate murder weapon.  Maybe have some ay for Steve and Dr. Ellis to struggle, and Steve falls off the bridge.

Second, Julie being buried on a country road.  If the cops found her body and all that, i doubt this would take place.  It would be more likely for her to be sent back to Canada, or at least be buried in a cemetery.

Overall, I thought the story was pretty good, but I think it would play better on film than it reads here, mostly because it's in a shooting script type format which I already mentioned in the camera angle and things that can't be filmed comments.

As far as not having any kind of suspense buildup, I think you failed there, because there was a buildup in trying to figure out who the killer is and what exactly is going on despite your lack of trying.  This isn't a bad thing of course, since I think any good thriller needs to have some suspense in it, and I'm guessing that if the filmmaker who has contacted you about this does end up filming it, she'll do the same thing.

Overall, a pretty good job, but if end up doing a rewrite on this, remember to take out the camera angles and stuff.








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mgj
Posted: May 30th, 2006, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Mike.  

In terms of some of the formatting issues, I've already fixed most of the ones you've mentioned.  This is actually an older script of mine that I wrote a while ago, back when I was still figuring alot of this stuff out.  Thanks for pointing them out though.  I should probably go back and further examine this.

As for the slow build - I should probably clarify.  I'm not against it per se I was just hoping to avoid making it seem artificial or contrived.  I wanted to keep the story moving and not feel like I was stalling for time.

As far as the Steve being killed with the shotgun thing - it was definitely meant to be the doctors' gun.  As you'll recall he had it on him back at the abandoned house.  This was sort of a vigilante thing for him so murdering Steve in this way seemed appropriate to me, even if it was a little over the top.  

And finally in regards to Julie being buried by the side of the road, it was just meant to be a memorial erected for her and not her burial place.  You're right - her body would be flown back to Canada.  Now that I think about it though, I can see where your confusion came from.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Shelton
Posted: May 30th, 2006, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Ok, I was pretty much convinced that the gun belonged to the doctor, but I must have forgotten about him having it at the abandoned house.

It makes sense for him to be vigilant, but I just wondered about how it didn't seem to come into any of the questioning, not too much anyway.  It was like we have all these dead girls, and we've found the killer who did it, who's also dead now, and then the gas station attendant didn't fit into the profile of the other victims, but they assumed the killer did it anyway.  Then they get to Steve, and Laura doesn't know anything about it, and that's that.

This place strikes me as a relatively small town, and based on Dr. Ellis' actions, he would probably draw more suspicion.

Did you get back in contact with the producer on this?  Dogglebe left you some comments in your advice thread as well, just in case you haven't seen them.


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mgj
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Okay, now I know what you mean about the whole doctor/shotgun thing.  

You're right - logic concludes that the doctor would be a prime suspect in Steve's murder and I probably should have at least made some mention of this.  However since there's nothing linking the doctor to the murder he's just a suspect at this point and the case remains unsolved.  

I tried to tie everything up as best I could but I guess a few things were left hanging.  You've motivated me now to go back and take a second look.  

BTW, in answer to your question - no I haven't got in touch yet with the producer.  I just got off work but that's next on my list of things to do.  I noticed my advice thread is gone now but I'll try to keep you updated on what happens.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: August 16th, 2006, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Hey mgj, I've read up to pg. 34 and I enjoy it. I would finish my review later on. But this is what I've noticed so far.  

Positive qualities:
-It flows so much as a story within a book, which I really like. Just be aware that everything has to be visual.  Concentrate more on what a person hears or sees rather than their emotional or thought aspect of it.
- It has great character development and story creepiness.


Negative Qualities:
-You have too much direction for the actors. You should reduce these.
-You got camera angles as well. That's the director's job. In my script, I'm taking them out in my third draft. It's better to take them down and simply describe them as "She sees" rather than "HER POV".  


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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mgj
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Thanks so far thewhitecrimsonbrothers.  I think you're pretty spot on from what I suspected.  Actually I had many more camera angles in my original draft than I do now.  

As a writer I've always tired to get under the skin of the characters I write and in the process do probably go a little overboard with the emotional aspect of it and less so with the visual.  My feelings on this has always been that as long as the story has flow then I could probably get away with it to some extent but your point is well taken.

I'm glad you found the creepiness factor coming through.  Actually this is what I've been most concerned about.  I was going for something moody and atmospheric as opposed to in-your-face violence and gore.  This is more subtle obviously and harder, I think, to translate on screen but I hope it'll come through.  

I hope you enjoy the rest of it.  Hang on though.  It does get a little bloody towards the end.

Thanks again.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Mr.Ripley
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Back again, mgj. Part 2

SPOILERS!

Pg. 38. I think that struggling should go for a little longer. The part where he says: You think any one can hear you!, won't make Laurie stop, but rather force her more to fight for her life. That's how I saw it as.

You need to correct EST. to EXT. You do these a lot.

pg. 51 I'm unsure of the structure you settled with for the various people speaking. I think it's incorrect.

pg. 56 fix the waitress part; describe it as action rather than a dialgoue.

pg. 58 I liked your transition into the flashback. Yet I'm not perfect with some formating myself, but it should follow the lines of
Int. House- Day - Flashback; this is only an example. Then to come back, simply put present day or follow the format and take off flashback and add present day.

Dont capitalize the whole sentence, just the noun such as stranger or car.

You have great imagery in this work.

You got be more specific when you reference a SOUND. Do it quickly rather than later on.
  
Overall, I really enjoyed this script. Eventhough it does not follow script formating rules, the story was terrific. That's what I see as important for the script.  I never felt astray, not one bit. Great piece of work here mgj. The movie if done correctly might turn terrific as the story. I wish you success production. And I'm willing to read any work of yours.

Gabriel


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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mgj
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Thanks thewhitecrimsonbrothers.  Your review was helpful.  

In regards to some of the formating issues - EST is supposed to stand for establishing.  This apparently isn't used too often and has confused some so I'll just fix those and stop using it from now on.

As for Laura struggling with the doctor back at the house - that's giving me something to consider.  Maybe I'll include it to have her hit him with a frying pan or something.

I'm glad you enjoyed it as a story.  That's most important to me.  The formating part is easy to fix.  All my scripts are listed in my signature.  I'd be interested to hear what you think of them and, of course, I'd be happy to return the favor.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Mr.Ripley
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I apologize for the format I posted the Part 2 reviews on; I was writing it as I was reading it last night and accidentally posted as is. But I believe if you take out some of the personal action directionals within the parenthesis, camera angles, and some of the descriptions that can't be filmed, you would have more room to add to the story if need be.

I knew about the EST but was unaware of it being used, I believe, inside a house. I think INt. or Ext. is better. But to each his own.

The idea of hitting sombody is great - especially in that scene when he says those lines. A little comedy goes a long way.

Tell me how the film comes out. And much success to you. I'm thinking of reading Dust and a Deal with the Devil, sounds interesting.

Gabriel


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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mgj
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I'll be sure to post an update on filming when it becomes available.  It's a slow process obviously so I'm not expecting anything anytime soon.  Last I heard they were still in the process of casting.

I definitely see your point about the humor.  It is a pretty sombre story overall and would probably benefit from an infusion of humor to counterbalance some of its weightier themes.  I went for a little dry British wit when I wrote it but since it's going to be filmed in Tennessee, some of that subtelty might not translate too well.  I think I'll go back and examine this further.  

Dust and a Deal with the Devil was part of the one week exercise.  It has it flaws and its moments too.  Tell me what you think.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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tonkatough
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You where kind enough to read my script so I thought I would return the favor and read another one of your works.

This is nicely written. The action is brisk yet very visual, making it easy to visualize this script as a movie. The dialouge is good and flows like natural speech.

The idea of two young backing packing women being stalked by a shadowy stranger is creepy and a common base fear. Easy to identitify with it.

But toward the middle of the story when the stranger wants to speak to Laura but can't say why was an obvious plot device to create suspense.

I noticed in the messages above that you have a producer attached to this script. I am not surprised as with the simplicity of your script this would be a great small budget story for a starting out producer or director to cut their teeth on.

With all the scripts you have posted here you have written in many diffrent genres and styles. Which was the script you enjoyed writing the most and which genre do you feel most comfortable with?  



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mgj
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Thanks Tonka.  Obviously I'm very grateful for all your interest and feedback.  If you have any other scripts coming out, of course, I'll be sure to give them a look.

The point about the plot device with the stranger witholding information was something I didn't consider.  Actually what's always felt contrived to me was the scene before that where Laura discovers from her conversation with the cook back at the cafe that a serial killer is on the loose.  I struggled endlessly with this scene but since no one as of yet has brought it up, maybe it's just me.  If I could get one more piece of feedback from you it would be on that scene.  Did it ring true to you or do you even remember it at all as feeling awkward or contrived?

I'm really not sure what my favorite genre is.  About the only genre that really intimidates me would be a straight up comedy.  I think if there was a common thread linking all my writing its that they're all emotionally centred with the main characters.  They don't tend to be very broad in scope, involving only a few main characters.  I prefer simple stories, ones that are self-contained and read like a chapter from a book.  That might explain why the battle scenes in Rodent Brigade felt a little limp.  Epic just doesn't seem to be my thing.  

Rodent Brigade was the easiest and quickest for me to write.  The False Road was a little more challenging but probably the most satisfying as well.  I have another animated script coming out soon but right now I think I'd like to tackle something edgier.

An amateur filmmaker does have plans to film it.  Last I heard she was in the process of casting but any info has been slow coming and I'm quickly discovering that as writers we tend be left largely out of the loop.  Actually I just got an e-mail from another filmmaker asking to take a look at this same script.  If there's a moral here for all of us maybe it's that we should focus on writing simple, low-budget human interest stories.  That seems to be what gets produced.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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tomson
Posted: September 25th, 2006, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

I read through the other comments and I agree with everything they had to say about formatting and that you tend to be too descriptive. This script could probably be tightened down to five fewer pages. I’m only mentioning this because I’m always told this too. It makes for a nice read, but like someone told me earlier today, screenplays should be written in such a way that the eye and mind can just breeze right through a script together, fast.

I won’t say anything here about typos and things like that, instead I will stick to commenting on your story only.

SPOILERS:

Positive:

Nice story
Well told
Nice build up of suspense
I can see this as a TV movie
Nice beginning

Negative:

The Stranger does some strange things. Yeah, in the beginning that’s good because you do have me thinking he’s probably the killer. When we found out he’s Dr. Ellis then some of the things he did previously seem down right dumb. Stupid even if all he wanted to do was to warn them or watch over them, why on earth is he acting so suspiciously? He chases them with his car out in a field and totals his car even. Those are all things that work well if he’s the killer, but since he’s not, it just seems dumb.

After the girls have just been chased by what they believe is a serial killer, Julie’s still somehow captivated by Steve? Being a woman myself, I can pretty much guarantee you that if I have just been chased by a killer, I’m not going to be captivated by anyone no matter how charming and good looking they might be. I don’t think anyone can switch from fleeing for their life to switching gears to romance that quick. An adrenaline rush from fear doesn’t go away that quick.

On page 20 Julie blows up at Laura and accuses her of being to “overbearing” (don’t know if that’s the right word). I didn’t see that coming at all and totally disagreed with it. If you want to keep that you may want to have a smaller conflict between them earlier on. This seemed too, out of the blue.

I think it’s unrealistic to have two young girls traveling together in a foreign country go separate ways after an argument, especially when they are being stalked.

Perhaps the biggest problem of all that I had with your script is when Laura accidentally kills the Station Attendant. He was an innocent person, he had done nothing wrong. All I could think while reading this was that if this had been me I would feel so, so bad. I would feel sick about it, yet in your script it’s no big deal at all.

I had a hard time believing Laura could just go to bed, when she believes her friend Julie is with a serial killer and she has killed someone as well. I fail to see why they can’t call the cops. You’re probably going to answer that with, because the cops are not on the case anymore and since Laura and Dr. Ellis doesn’t have anything concrete to tell them…and also because Laura has killed the Station Attendant. To me, those are the same reasons why I personally would call the police. Just me though….

I found it odd that they are in England or Ireland and no one’s asked them where they are from. I don’t have much of a Swedish accent left, but I’m asked all the time where I’m from.

After Julie’s gone missing with a stranger in a pick-up truck, I found it unbelievable that Laura accepts a ride with a stranger in a pick-up.

On page 53 Laura and Steve are talking about where Julie spent the night. How does Laura know Julie didn’t spend the night in a Hotel? Laura was at Dr. Ellis’s house, how would she know Julie’s not safe.

Laura suspect Steve to be the killer, but she still gets in the car with him?

How do we know the house is abandoned? If it looks really, really bad and truly abandoned, then why is Laura running in there when she’s fleeing from someone she thinks killed her friend?

I hope I didn’t seem too negative here. All in all, I think you did a good job. I just had some major problems with some of the actions of the characters. I hope you can see that I’m only trying to help here and that you don’t think I have something against you.


Pia  
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mgj
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Thanks Pia.

I agree with much of what you've said.  I've gotten alot of feedback now from the reviewers here and from other places.  Enough now that I can begin work on what will become a major rewrite.  

I think this particular script for me became more of an exercise in creating a mood than telling a story.  I wanted to establish a sense of tension and unease.  My rewrites will focus more on the story and, as you say, the character actions.

Thanks again.  I'll take into account all of your points.

-Mike


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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insideman_j
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I know you said you like to get underneath the skin of the characters and I love the fact you take to heart character development and such, but you don’t have to get in the head to express how there feeling, what you should be able to do and I admit it can be hard at times, is be able to express the characters feelings, emotions in that moment of the scene through there actions. This is what separates writers.
--
EXAMPLE

JULIE
This is really nice of you to give us a lift, uh...

STEVE
Steve... Not at all.  

Julie flashes him a smile.  Laura rolls her eyes.

Julie has managed to nudge her way past Laura and is leaning in on him.  

JULIE
We’d really appreciate it.

STEVE
(Coming to)
Uh...sure.  Hop in.

Julie smiles confidently.  She knows how to work’em.
--
“She knows how to work’em” I didn’t see that. And I sure as, don’t know that Julie knows that herself. Maybe if she winked at Laura she’d come of as cocky or arrogant.

All she does is lean in on him and ask a question. Now, if she knew how to work him, first this would require skill, and Steve would have been on the verge of not giving them a ride or thinking about when Julia would bat, her eyes, says something innuendo, or funny to make him shift uncomfortably or become eager and offer the ride. But instead Steve doesn’t put up much of a fight for her to work him. Then you wouldn’t have to say, “She knows how to work him.” We just saw her do it.

This may make the scene longer, but worth it I think if your point is to show she knows how to work him, puppet on a string, but also this should be setting up something later in the story where Julia would use this skill to get Steve in trouble or the skill backfires at a pivotal point and Steve reveals he’s been playing her for a fool. This is how crucial narrative action can be when used to its dramatic potential everything leads, ends, or expands on something.

I though you did a good job at setting up future ramifications, troubles, and dramas that would come from being in basically a foreign area. Julia’s wild, adventures ways which does come into fruition when she high tails it out of the café to hang with Steve. And I loved the argument between the two girls cause I got drama on top of what the girls believe in and their values. The problem is you set up Laura as a more reasonable person at least between the two, but you don’t follow that characteristic when she’s faced with things that would contrary to it and cause drama. Example if an adventures, know no bounds person goes backpacking with a responsible, street smart person they’re bound to get into a disagreement which happened.

But I found it incredible hard to believe that Laura would let Dr. Ellis getaway with basically using her friend and her as bait without giving him a piece of her mind when they’re at the cabin. I also think the argument would have added drama between the two.

Example: while in the middle of explaining his motives she’d interrupt angry that he’d stand by and watch as some serial killer watch them and allow take her friend, questioning how close he was going to let the serial killer get before intervening. Dr. Ellis would try to apologies before realizing he doesn’t have a leg to stand on cuz what he was doing was wrong. He’d give her time too cool off in which time she would focus on the news articles one unparticular about a girl who doesn’t hold any significant till Dr. Ellis reenters and explains his story.
I do love the fact that Dr. Ellis has a ghost and too me he is the most intriguing character cause he has the most to learn out of this experience. But I didn’t like that we got like an entire lecture about what happened too me it was I don’t want to say too much info too fast, but its just that fact that the whole scene seemed to be a ploy to tell his story, I mean just paragraphs of him talking and Laura who I say again just stabbed a man and friend is missing listens like a Zen master, lol. Their was other things too talk about like I mentioned Laura being upset this also gives her reason to leave early because Dr. Ellis hasn’t gained her total confidence cuz other wise why would she search for her friend alone w/o asking for help by police, ah so she killed a man so she can’t go and see the cops fear of being found out, yet she’s not distraught about killing someone, now that really should of the been the first thing disused at the cabin she should have been in a state of shock; upset which would lend to the tirade she’d lay on Dr. Ellis about using them as bait she’s upset about what Ellis did, but more so that she could of killed a man.

I really think Laura’s hollow feelings about her situation could cause people not to care as much about the outcome of her story as much as they possible can. I know I didn’t. I think you have to get Laura to acknowledge what Dr. Ellis was doing was wrong and forgive him cause lets face it whether or not his daughter was killed, kidnapped or not, we the audience don’t know her, we’re emotionally invested in Laura so her well fare comes first and we can only move on to being emotionally involved to Dr. Ellis story when she forgives him and is willing to listen, now we the audience are willing to listen. Otherwise Ellis is an a**hole and just as dangerous as the serial killer and kind of an accomplice.

I do like the overall outline of the story; I think you can go further with it. It’s a great little movie for indie too which I think is cool. And I actually like the title, some of the titles I see on here and I don’t know if it’s the logline that messes up the title or what but a lot, a lot of these titles don’t give a sense of the genre of the movie, a possible plot, or generate interests. Yours does “The False Road” sells signs of mystery, thriller, possible flawed characters on the wrong path… and it’s a key plot point in the story.

I don’t know how many pro scripts you’ve read but highly recommend “The Crying Game” so you can see what I mean by how everything sets up something else and how characteristics are setup to spark and settle drama.

OK, gotta go, nap time.
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mgj
Posted: October 11th, 2006, 12:35am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your insight Insideman.  I'm glad you focused your review on the character motivations and how they pertain to the overall story.  I'm well into my rewrites now and that has been my main focus.

This thriller genre is a tough nut to crack.  I don't think I was quite prepared for all the complexities involved when I initially wrote this but it has taught me a great deal about the craft of storytelling.   Actually, I'd highly recommend any beginning screenwriter take on a mystery/thriller.  You really get thrown to the wolves but you come out much stronger.

You've brought up several points that I hadn't considered.  Laura's reaction to Dr. Ellis is one, as well as her hollow feelings towards her situation.   You should be happy to know that in my rewrite she no longer kills the station attendant.

I've read a handful of pro scripts but not 'The Crying Game'.  I saw the movie some time ago when it first came out.  I don't recall every aspect of the story but if it is well-crafted then maybe I should check it out.

Thanks again.  Now I think I need a nap.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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insideman_j
Posted: October 12th, 2006, 3:34am Report to Moderator
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No, prob.

Many of movie genres have their difficulties, but i'd agree plot wise it can be most difficult I plan on adding a script of my own to the genre, after i've submitted my drama. I had to start smaller cuz the thriller/mystery i was doing had me running in circles and you'll see why after I post it. I'm getting ahead of myself on that one though.

I'll definitely be there for the re-write. And quick question I've been wondering do you work on one script at a time or find yourself, splitting, and find youself atleast working on two or three different scripts?
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mgj
Posted: October 12th, 2006, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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I usually just try to focus on one script at a time but occasionally I'll go back to an older script of mine and do some rewrites on it.  The odd time I might start something new if the inspiration hits me.  Writing is organic for me so basically I just follow my inspiration and let it evolve on its own.  I don't think there's a right or wrong here.  

FYI, I'm well into my rewrite on this but still have a ways to go.  It could be a little while before I have it posted.  So far I've made quite a few story changes.  As I mentioned before Laura no longer kills the station attendant.  As others have pointed out that really did little to advance the story.  I've also managed to flesh out the characters a little better.  Both Steve and the killer are more central now (I still need to find a motivation for the killings).  As well, the girls are now English Lit students on a sort of spiritual quest, seeking inspiration while visiting the birthplace of their favorite poets.  This establishes a sort of motif for the rest of the story as Laura witnesses the doctor's all-consuming passion to find his daughter's killer get the better of him.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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insideman_j
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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I was just wondering cause sometimes I see posts of scripts that get none to little reply, then the writer's of said script rather then tryin' to get their script read post another script. And the biggest benifit of the site is interacting to help other writers and impoving yourself. But if no one replies to a script you've written why go through daunting task of writing a new script when you're likely to make the same errors as before.

What one should be focusing on is turning what they had into a better hook, title, premise, network the site better inorder to get the responses cause there's a reason no one's willing to take a look at somelses' script. I'm ranting but i hate coming to this site seeing all these scripts with so little replies. It should be fewer scripts and more replies, hey i'm starting to remind myself of Jerry Maguire, but if instead of newbies first post being scripts it should reveiws. I've got what under 20 posts I think but I've read 3 full and 2 shorts that i've given reveiws and half of several other scripts before ever posting just to see what people here were all about.

But anyway when you post the re-write will it say something like False Road (rewrite) or what's the deal with how thats done?
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mgj
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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I guess when I do repost this I'll keep the title the same.  I have a revision dated noted at the bottom of the title page so I'll just update that.  That should be sufficient I think.

I'm not sure if you're referring to me specifically but the reason I keeping posting scripts before getting back more feedback on the first one is because I just enjoy writing.  It's hard to stop when you have all these ideas bouncing around in your brain.  I'm actually focused right now on my rewrites - this one specifically.  

I hope to have it up in the next couple of months if all goes well and I can tell you alot has changed.  The feedback I have gotten has been very helpful.  

I wouldn't get too discouraged.  It's hard at first around here but like anything you have to pay your dues.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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dresseme
Posted: October 30th, 2006, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I'm at the first plot-point, so I'll comment here.

First off, you know how to write, let me just say that.  BUT, it seems like you're writing is more suited towards novels.  You make little asides here and there that really just have no place in a screenplay.  I see why you're doing it, but you really need to show more than tell.  A few examples are "This is the setting.."(p.3), "Dead to the world" (p.3), "What's the use?" (p....stuff like that.  You need to work on making this less like a novel.

Also, your formatting for characters is wrong.  Maybe this is a type of formatting I just haven't seen before, but devoting an entire space to a character's description, like "STRANGER" or something like that, is too much.  Also, when you write "A SHADOWY FIGURE!"...it's waaay to cheesy.  It seems like you're mocking the genre here.

I'm enjoying the story and am interested, but I'm a little weary about the direction it's heading.  I've seen a lot of these films before, so I'm hoping for a breath of fresh air at some point.
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mgj
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Thanks Dresseme.

I should mention off the top that I'm in the process right now of a rewrite on this one so any feedback is appreciated.  I'll take anything you say to heart.

I can't disagree with anything you've mentioned so far, just that I hope, despite some obvious flaws, you get some enjoyment out of it.  Honest feedback is always good though.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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dresseme
Posted: November 9th, 2006, 8:36am Report to Moderator
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Ok, first off, I agree with almost everything Pia said above.  Both positive and negative.  However, it's because of this that I wasn't able to fully enjoy the story.  At times I really was left questioning why it was characters would do what they did.  The biggest "WTF?!" moment came in the end when she went with him even though she thought he was the killer.  The biggest problem with your main character is that you'd never know she was being chased by a serial killer and that her friend is probably with him.  I never really felt that grip of tension because nobody else in the story felt it.

I think you just need to go back and dwell on why it is everyone does what they do.  You don't really have much lee-way in a thriller like this.  In Based on a True Story, for example, I had A LOT of suspension of disbelief, but I was awarded that because of the slapstick nature of the genre.  With thrillers (and dramas) you have to meticulously go through every action of your characters and make sure a rational person would make such moves.

Also, I can't help but think something else needs to be added to this story.  Another element to seperate it from all the other girls/serial killers movies.  I don't know what that element is, but I really think it needs something else.  Something so that when someone reads your logline, you have an answer when they say "Ok, this sounds very familiar...what seperates it from other thrillers like it?"

Other than that, good work.  Hope my comments helped somewhat, and I know you're on your next draft, so good luck with that.
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mgj
Posted: November 9th, 2006, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dresseme


Quoted from dresseme

At times I really was left questioning why it was characters would do what they did.  The biggest "WTF?!" moment came in the end when she went with him even though she thought he was the killer.  


Funny - once these things get pointed out to you they seem so obvious. I'm working hard to remedying this as we speak.


Quoted from dresseme

Also, I can't help but think something else needs to be added to this story.  Another element to seperate it from all the other girls/serial killers movies.


That's a tough one but a goood point.  I hate being lumped in with those movies.  I've tried to flesh out the characters more fully in this new draft.  I've also eliminated a few few cliche moments that, as you say, mock the genre.  No one has sex or makes out in this one either so hopefully this will seperate it from the others.  Of course these things can't be put into a logline.  I'll have to think about this further.



"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Seth
Posted: December 4th, 2006, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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MGJ,

I took a few notes while reading this.

S
P
O
I
L
E
R


I don't mind an occassional aside, but asking the reader, as you did on page 5, "Could this be the same man we saw following them earlier?" was, I think, unnecessary. The story itself ought to prompt such questions -- in any case, I felt like the author was holding my hand, making sure I understood what was happening. This, I'm certain, wasn't your intent.

Most of my comments are minor nits. That said, this will be brief.

As I've written before, I like your writing style, but do feel it could be tighted up a bit -- made more concise. This, of course, is a matter of opinion.

On page 91, you wrote: "Furlong withdraws his pistol as he races up to the cottage." To withdraw means "to take back or away; remove." I mention this, minor as it is, because I saw the word used in a similar way in another one of your scripts -- Milo.

As for the characters, Although Julie has less screen time, I felt I knew her in a way I didn't know Laura. That said, her character would, I think, benefit from a little more background info. She's an eng lit student. Other than that, I haven't a clue as to who she is. I might be way off, but I get more of a sense of who she isn't rather than who she is. She isn't Julie.  

The other characters, being supporting players, seemed fine. I did, though, have a difficult time imagining a pastor telling a man who lost both his wife and daughter "God sometimes tests us.  But it's important to realize that he does this to teach us how to love him." It seems given his position, the pastor should be more sensitive. I understand, in terms of the story, why the above line was written, but it doesn't ring true. At least not me.

I, also, found it difficult to accept that Laura, rather than searching for her missing friend, who she thinks may be with a serial killer, goes to bed.

The biggest problem I had with the story is that Pete, the killer, after page 18, disappears, not returning until page 82.  I, of course, didn't suspect him. In fact, I forgot all about him. Perhaps this was your intent. In any case, I felt a little cheated. As if you employed a short-cut. One that was sure to prompt the reader not to consider Pete a suspect. I don't know, maybe this would play better on screen.

That said, I'd like to see Pete more involved, even if only peripherally -- a few more scenes here and there, etc.

Over all, it was a well-crafted story. One that kept me guessing.

Seth





Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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mgj
Posted: December 5th, 2006, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Seth.


Quoted from Seth

As I've written before, I like your writing style, but do feel it could be tighted up a bit -- made more concise. This, of course, is a matter of opinion.


Actually it's a bad sign when I get too wordy.  It usually means I'm overcompensating.  In truth writing this script has been an uphill battle.  I wrote Milo in about three months and Rodent Brigade in about the same time.  This script, on the other hand, I've been working on and off for about three years.   I could never seem to get into a rythm.


Quoted from Seth

As for the characters, Although Julie has less screen time, I felt I knew her in a way I didn't know Laura. That said, her character would, I think, benefit from a little more background info. She's an eng lit student. Other than that, I haven't a clue as to who she is. I might be way off, but I get more of a sense of who she isn't rather than who she is. She isn't Julie.  


I wonder if in all the rewrites and tinking I did, if some of the essence of the story and the characters in particular didn't get lost.  In my mind Laura's the most fully realized character.  She has less screen time in this draft so maybe some of her personality was sacrificed along the way.


Quoted from Seth

The biggest problem I had with the story is that Pete, the killer, after page 18, disappears, not returning until page 82.  I, of course, didn't suspect him. In fact, I forgot all about him. Perhaps this was your intent. In any case, I felt a little cheated. As if you employed a short-cut. One that was sure to prompt the reader not to consider Pete a suspect. I don't know, maybe this would play better on screen.


I guess it probably was a short-cut in a way, although not an intentional one.  If you forgot about him then that's a very bad sign I'd say.  Maybe, as you suggest, a few more scenes with him could help flesh out his character a little better.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Mr.Z
Posted: April 15th, 2007, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Better late than never, as promised, here’s my review. With spoilers, of course.

I’ll start by mentioning what worked. You’ve got a clearly defined protagonist (Laura) with a clearly defined goal (find her missing friend that might have been kidnapped by a serial killer) and with much at stake if she fails (hers friend’s life an hers).

Basic as it sounds, a great percentage of thrillers in specland lack one or more of these elements. So I think this is a positive aspect of your work that sets it apart from tons of unproduced scripts and it’s worth mentioning.

I also liked that it was Julie (the adventurous type) the one that disappeared. And Laura (more of the shy type) the one who was forced to look for her friend. Giving a character a goal that opposes his/her nature is always a good recipe for inner conflict.

However, there were some aspects that -IMO- could be improved upon. Here are some suggestions.

Establishing your protagonist’s goal is definitely first act material but it’s around page 34 when it’s clear that Laura is determined to find her missing friend. I’m not a Syd Field fan who will tell you that the first plot point should be located around p.25-27. But I do believe that the first act (or setting up the main conflict) shouldn’t take more than -roughly- ¼ of your script. And, IMO, p.34 is a little to late for a 89 page thriller.

Have in mind that a stranger stalking these girls during the first pages works fine as a promise of future conflict, but this angle looses impact upon repetition. Once the audience knows someone is following these girls, there’s no additional mystery to be created if you show the stranger following them again. Maybe you could condense your stalking scenes in order to cut some fat out of your first act.

The second act felt a bit thin. Once the main conflict is established and the protagonist’s goal defined, things should get worse for the hero and the conflict must escalate. If you got static conflict, your story looses momentum. Act 2 is quicksand; the more the hero tries to get out of his problem, the more he gets suck into it (the more Marty Mc Fly tries to make his mother fall in love with his father, the more his mother fells in love with him).

Not long after the second act kicked in, Laura found an ally (Dr. Ellis) which made things better for her instead of escalating the conflict. And I should say that the killer made things easy for her as well (he left that room unlocked with chains on the floor, there’s also the feather, etc). I think Laura should find more opposition and less help during the second act, that way her goal will be more difficult to achieve and you’ll be able to put more conflict into the story.

Peter is so careless in leaving incriminating clues that it makes me wonder why couldn’t the police (or Steve) find him responsible of the murders in the first place. Make Peter smart and cunning, make him a bigger challenge for Laura and you’ll have a better story.

Your third act has all the basic third act-ish elements: the killer reveals himself, Julie appears, the heroine confronts the killer and he dies. I was kinda expecting an additional surprise (I was suspecting that both Steve and Peter were the killers) that never came. It would have been a nice reversal to have Laura confront Steve after thinking that -with Peter dead- it was all over.

I liked to find out that Laura made up a false story in order to cover Dr. Ellis. It was an unexpected little surprise.

Some additional comments:

-P.11 Ha! Peter doesn’t waste much time haha!

-P.38 I don’t think you need the scene where Furlong tells his companion he’s going out.

-P.43 “Laura finally stops struggling, sensing that maybe his intentions might not be sinister.”

I don’t know if you intended this or not, but I figured this long before her, and that’s why her behavior towards Dr. Ellis was starting to annoy me. I think she should figure out earlier that this stranger had not sinister intentions towards her.

-P.50 Acting like bait is a bold, risky move but that can pay off and seems to be the only one since the police seems to be doing nothing about this case. I wish Laura (protagonist) had come up with this idea instead of Ellis (a secondary character). She needs to be more active in pursuing her goal. Despite the fact that Laura isn’t of the adventurous type, it would be nice to have the circumstances push her character in order to make this decision.

-P.53.

"LAURA
(Sitting up, concerned)
Yeah but, are you’re sure this is going to work?  I mean, what if he sees you?  What if he figures out what we’re up to?"

She forgot to ask the main question: "What if he kills me?"

-P.55 Laura waking up is not relevant to move the story forward. You could cut this scene.

As you can guess I think a rewrite is in order, but I can also see you succeed in basic aspects where many other writers fail.

Hope this comments may be of help. Good luck.


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mgj
Posted: April 16th, 2007, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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First off, thanks for the review.  I know asking for a review kind of puts people on the spot so I appreciate this and I'll be sure to keep a watch out for your script when it does get posted.

From what I can gather you felt that the basic framework was in place but that it dragged a little in spots.  I guess I'm still not quite there yet.  I'll definitely try to find ways to infuse a little more urgency into things.   It's good to see that the storyline is finally coherent though.  

To touch on some of your other points:


Quoted from Mr.Z

The second act felt a bit thin. Once the main conflict is established and the protagonist’s goal defined, things should get worse for the hero and the conflict must escalate. If you got static conflict, your story looses momentum.

Not long after the second act kicked in, Laura found an ally (Dr. Ellis) which made things better for her instead of escalating the conflict.


I've always felt this is where things really got interesting - at least to me anyway; new motivations are revealed.  The stranger stalking her is actually the father of one of the victims.  He has a plan to catch the killer but he needs her help.  Now new conflicts suddenly emerge - that's my take anyway.  Granted though, certain issues are resolved rather quickly in the process.  I'll think about this.


Quoted from Mr.Z

And I should say that the killer made things easy for her as well (he left that room unlocked with chains on the floor, there’s also the feather, etc). I think Laura should find more opposition and less help during the second act, that way her goal will be more difficult to achieve and you’ll be able to put more conflict into the story.

Make Peter smart and cunning, make him a bigger challenge for Laura and you’ll have a better story.


Good point.  This is a mystery so the killer isn't front and centre.  That being said,  one way to create more drama and conflict is to give the killer a more sinister presence.  I'll think about it.


Quoted from Mr.Z

Your third act has all the basic third act-ish elements: the killer reveals himself, Julie appears, the heroine confronts the killer and he dies. I was kinda expecting an additional surprise (I was suspecting that both Steve and Peter were the killers) that never came. It would have been a nice reversal to have Laura confront Steve after thinking that -with Peter dead- it was all over.


Someone suggested this to me before so maybe there's something to it.  It is plausible that they could be league on this.  It is a unique spin as well to have two serial killers working together.  More food for thought.



Quoted from Mr.Z

-P.11 Ha! Peter doesn’t waste much time haha!


Yeah.  I've known a few people like that.  They think a girl will just jump right into bed with them after talking with them for five minutes.  


Quoted from Mr.Z

-P.43 “Laura finally stops struggling, sensing that maybe his intentions might not be sinister.”

I don’t know if you intended this or not, but I figured this long before her, and that’s why her behavior towards Dr. Ellis was starting to annoy me. I think she should figure out earlier that this stranger had not sinister intentions towards her.


It was intended.  I had conceded that the audience would figure this out - that the strange man who was following them likely wasn't the real killer so I didn't build this up as some big reveal.  

This, I guess, goes back to what you said about the first act being a little too drawn out.  Perhaps he does stay in the shadows a little too long.  I'll definitely think about this and how I can make those two elements work together.


Thanks again.






"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
mgj  -  April 21st, 2007, 1:39pm
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Scoob
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Hi Mike,

Sorry about the delay, I wasnt sure if this is the latest draft or whatnot but I read it anyway.

Ok, the opening is well written with some good dialouge, well paced intro to the characters leading up to the pub scene where we meet Steve and his mate, Peter.
I like the way you have the Stranger introduced and simply watching from a corner in the pub. Builds him up as someone to be wary about.

I really like the setting. Especially when Laura and Julie feel they are lost , as if the feeling of being abandoned and hopeless is not enough there is the Stranger stalking them.   I hope this is built upon because you have a good basis already here.

Dialouge is good between Laura and Julie but I'm glad Laura decides to go back and catch up after the two split and its not a case of them both being lost and seperated.
Also at this point it gives some good character development - Laura seems more keen on being stable, following plans and not taking any chances whereas Julie is more carefree and assertive.  I think this was already seen briefly in the pub and beforehand but its a this stage it really seperates the two as individuals.

The revelation of who the Stranger is comes at a good time in the script and his motive works.

Everything is well written in the cottage scene with the Inspector and Laura but maybe she could be a little more concerned about Julie - or feeling a little bad that she did in fact leave her in the field. Its nothing big however just a thought, afterall you dont want to over do it and building Ellis is probably more important at this stage anyway.
Actually, the final shot of that scene does show Laura seems to be feeling afraid for her friend.

I like how Ellis has only one thing to live for moreorless and when he is helping Steve with the car, it was well written where I wasnt sure if Ellis was going to hit him with the tire iron. The killer's revelation wasnt completly surprising but there were a few times I suspected Ellis being on some mad twisted trip. The following scene I was just hoping Steve wouldnt bite the dust, likeable character.  So much for that!

The ending is the only thing I have a problem with in this script. Laura is innocent in all of this - she murdered the serial killer in self defence so why does she have to carry this burden of never telling the police? Surely they would piece it together that Julie was travelling or at least in the town with Laura and they would want to contact her, in fact he makes her look suspicious of murder if she just flees. It seemed like she was covering for Inspector Ellis killing Steve - as she said " an innocent man". Sure, Ellis has been through a lot and I guess this is part of the morale of the tale that revenge is not always sweet. But would she really let him get away with murder at the expense of her own lifetime of worry? Over a man she only recently met? I dont know, it just felt a bit of a let down as if you slipped it in or had made a radical change of ending. It felt rushed and out of mood with the rest of the story.

Apart from that, I have no complaints at all. The story was good, the pacing was even better. I never got bored or wanted to stop reading until it was over. Your writing is unique, and I enjoyed the way you described actions with alternative words. Some may say this goes against the grain but it makes for a more enjoyable read so I really lapped it up. I dont think you over did it, perhaps at times there were the odd moment you might overtell what the character is feeling  ( the Insepctor and Steve towards the ending ) but I dont see that as a negative thing.

The characters were detailed enough and believable. There was no need for any heavy backstory on this cast apart from Ellis and it helped make things flow that you never lingred too long on any one person. Dialouge was realistic and very well written.

The only other thing to add is that this was 60 pages ina doc. format. I dont know if this is your recent draft but I will a new one if you have it due. This was dated Feb 08 so I figure you havnt sent your new draft in yet or is this it?

So all in all, I really enjoyed it. Great setting, good cast of characters, simplistic idea but well executed! Very apt title too!

Good work, Mike, look forward to checking out some of your other work in the future.



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mgj
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Hi Malcolm.  Thanks for giving this a look.  Yeah, this is the older draft but that's okay.  Pretty much everything you read is in the new draft.  I just added some things to it.  The big thing now is that you see Julie get murdered.  You still don't know who did it but you see it happen.  It changes the dynamic of the story slightly - knowing what happened to her - but then I don't think what happened to her was a big shocker.  There's still a sense of mystery as to who did it.  As well Steve and Peter feature a little more prominently in the middle section of the script.



Quoted from Scoob


I really like the setting. Especially when Laura and Julie feel they are lost , as if the feeling of being abandoned and hopeless is not enough there is the Stranger stalking them.   I hope this is built upon because you have a good basis already here.



I had Brit tell me that the Lake District gets swamped with tourists every year and doesn't convey the sense of isolation I have portrayed in this script.  Not sure if you've ever been there or know much about but hopefully it was believeable.  I'm from Canada so it's real easy to wander off and suddenly feel like your lost or in the middle of nowhere.



Quoted from Scoob

The killer's revelation wasnt completly surprising but there were a few times I suspected Ellis being on some mad twisted trip. The following scene I was just hoping Steve wouldnt bite the dust, likeable character.  So much for that!


Yeah, I don't think it's a hugh revelation who the killer is.  There are only a few possible suspects.  I don't think the story entirely hinges on this fact so hopefully it still holds together.  



Quoted from Scoob

The ending is the only thing I have a problem with in this script. Laura is innocent in all of this - she murdered the serial killer in self defence so why does she have to carry this burden of never telling the police?

But would she really let him get away with murder at the expense of her own lifetime of worry? Over a man she only recently met? I dont know, it just felt a bit of a let down as if you slipped it in or had made a radical change of ending. It felt rushed and out of mood with the rest of the story.



That's interesting.  I'll have to think on this a bit more.  Basically all I wanted the ending to convey is that, despite getting this revenge, the inspector is still a shell of a man.  I think that final shot of him standing on the platform does convey this but you're right - there are quite a few loose ends that are still left dangling.  Laura was protecting him by not going to the police - that was the reason for her fleeing.  Maybe I need to convey this better or maybe I just need to scrap it all together.  Originally I had in a scene where Laura was being questioned by the police.  She had a chance to turn him in but faltered at the last moment.  Ultimately I think the reason I wanted the inspector to get away with it was so he would be forced to live with his own guilt but it opens up another can of worms in respect to the plausibility of Laura doing what she did - protecting him.  I think I just kinda figured that, despite not knowing him for very long, she felt a certain kinship or sympathy for his plight.  I'll think on this some more.  


Quoted from Scoob

Apart from that, I have no complaints at all. The story was good, the pacing was even better. I never got bored or wanted to stop reading until it was over.

The characters were detailed enough and believable. There was no need for any heavy backstory on this cast apart from Ellis and it helped make things flow that you never lingred too long on any one person. Dialouge was realistic and very well written.


Thanks, that's good to know.  I was a little worried about this script, particularly the pacing.  This is such a character-driven story that I thought it might be too slow or deliberately paced.  I also wrote this as something that could be made on the cheap, without alot of special effects or big action sequences.

I'm also glad the dialogue worked for you.  Writing for young women can be challenging.


-Mike



"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Scoob
Posted: April 17th, 2008, 8:36am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mike,


Quoted Text
I just added some things to it.  The big thing now is that you see Julie get murdered.  You still don't know who did it but you see it happen.  It changes the dynamic of the story slightly - knowing what happened to her - but then I don't think what happened to her was a big shocker.
  

I'll be sure to check it out when you post it up. It will be interesting as it does change the dynamic quite a bit if we see Julie being murdered earlier on - I dont know when you plan to show this in the new draft.
It was more then likely that Julie had been killed off but having not shown it in the draft I read, you always had the possibility that she might still be alive and Laura and Ellis might still save her in the nick of time - I think that created more of a thrill and the need for urgency to the whole thing. I actually liked the fact we never knew until the ending what happened to her, it helped round things off.


Quoted Text
I had Brit tell me that the Lake District gets swamped with tourists every year and doesn't convey the sense of isolation I have portrayed in this script.  Not sure if you've ever been there or know much about but hopefully it was believeable.  I'm from Canada so it's real easy to wander off and suddenly feel like your lost or in the middle of nowhere.


I've never been to the Lake District myself but the people I have talked to have said it's a lot more modern then I would have expected myself. However, I dont think you have to just locate this in that area. There are loads of old fashioned small towns with vast countrysides that are easy to get lost in or feel like you've gone back in time. I think you portrayed that really well and thats what I was visualizing.



Quoted Text
Yeah, I don't think it's a hugh revelation who the killer is.  There are only a few possible suspects.  I don't think the story entirely hinges on this fact so hopefully it still holds together.  


It definitly works fine, I think the combination of Laura and Ellis meeting up, working together and the need to find Julie all kept things on a knife edge.

The ending, I can see what you were getting at and it does work. I like the idea that Ellis was now probably even more broken by the ending. The idea you had of Laura being interviewed by the police and then not naming Ellis would have worked better for me personally. Then perhaps have him at the train station. I dont know, it is a tough one.
The idea works more from Ellis point of view at the moment and I did have a little sympathy for him, but that went up in smoke after he done in Steve.  Laura's ending seems incomplete as we have been following her from the start and it ends with her still in a dilema, perhaps even worse then she was in at the start.


Quoted Text
This is such a character-driven story that I thought it might be too slow or deliberately paced.  I also wrote this as something that could be made on the cheap, without alot of special effects or big action sequences.


It works fine, I enjoyed the pacing and it suited the location.  I could definitly see it being made without the need for a load of cash.


Quoted Text
I'm also glad the dialogue worked for you.  Writing for young women can be challenging.


The dialouge worked fine and I think you handled all the characters with relative ease. It never came across false or forced.


Malc



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mgj
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Quoted from Scoob
It will be interesting as it does change the dynamic quite a bit if we see Julie being murdered earlier on - I dont know when you plan to show this in the new draft.
It was more then likely that Julie had been killed off but having not shown it in the draft I read, you always had the possibility that she might still be alive and Laura and Ellis might still save her in the nick of time - I think that created more of a thrill and the need for urgency to the whole thing. I actually liked the fact we never knew until the ending what happened to her, it helped round things off.



You know, the way I described it to you, it does seem wrong.  There could be an easy remedy for this though - if I just rework the scene to make it a little more ambiguous as to what actually happens to her.

If you do check it out I'll be interested to see what you think.  I think I was just so concerned about adding as much extra 'stuff' into the story as I could.




Quoted from Scoob

The ending, I can see what you were getting at and it does work. I like the idea that Ellis was now probably even more broken by the ending. The idea you had of Laura being interviewed by the police and then not naming Ellis would have worked better for me personally. Then perhaps have him at the train station. I dont know, it is a tough one.

The idea works more from Ellis point of view at the moment and I did have a little sympathy for him, but that went up in smoke after he done in Steve.  Laura's ending seems incomplete as we have been following her from the start and it ends with her still in a dilema, perhaps even worse then she was in at the start.


Yeah, I might have to revisit this.  The way I had it was like this:  

Laura tells the two investigating officers that Peter attacked her and the conclusion is made that he was the killer they've been after all along.  They ask her about Steve but she claims to know nothing about it.  The officers are left to surmise that perhaps Steve had gotten wise to the situation and needed to be silenced.  

It just felt like a little too much exposition so I cut it out.  I'll consider adding it back in.

Thanks again for this.

-Mike


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: April 20th, 2008, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

Whatever happened to the production of this script?

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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mgj
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It reached a bad end unfortunately Gabe but these things happen so I've moved on.  I'm told you're not a screenwriter unless this happens to you a few times.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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screenplay_novice
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This is the second time I've read your script. I can see where you made your changes and they fit very well without detracting from what you originally had. I've written just one script, The Ragman, based on the DC comic character, so I'm sure I have tons of mistakes in mine. But what I liked most about your script was the easy flow. It read fast. From the start, I was intrigued. I wanted to see what was going to happen to the young ladies.
The only problem I had with the script was when the one friend discovered the body of the other. I feel there should have been a more detailed description of her reaction. But that's just me. As for putting camera directions into your script, you only put them in if it's absolutely necessary. I have a problem with that to.
All in all, I think it's a good script. I enjoyed reading it.

Jerry


If you can't beat 'em, then get yourself a bigger stick!
John Mavity
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mgj
Posted: July 21st, 2008, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Hi Jerry.  Thanks for checking it out.


Quoted from screenplay_novice
This is the second time I've read your script. I can see where you made your changes and they fit very well without detracting from what you originally had.


I hadn't realized you checked it out earlier.  It's good to get a perspective from someone who's seen it in its earlier stages.  This particular script has been slowly evolving for some time now.  I believe this is the fifth draft - not sure if that's a record or not - but I'm starting to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, at least I hope.



Quoted from screenplay_novice

But what I liked most about your script was the easy flow. It read fast. From the start, I was intrigued. I wanted to see what was going to happen to the young ladies.


That's good to hear.  I was always a little worried people might find it slow moving or get impatient with its slow-build.  It's something I've been cognicent of and have strived to fix.  Some of the earlier drafts in particular may have been guilty of this.


Quoted from screenplay_novice

The only problem I had with the script was when the one friend discovered the body of the other. I feel there should have been a more detailed description of her reaction. But that's just me.

I hadn't thought of that.  In my mind I envisioned her breaking down in quite a dramatic fashion but as it's written, you might be right.  I may have glossed over that a bit too quickly.


Quoted from screenplay_novice

As for putting camera directions into your script, you only put them in if it's absolutely necessary. I have a problem with that too.


I think we all do from time to time.  I did add the occasional 'insert' heading like with the newspaper clipping and the inspector's badge.  I know it's wrong but sometimes it just reads better that way and I like to have my scripts flow, even if I break the odd rule.  Hopefully I stayed pretty close to proper format though.



Thanks for checking it out a second time.  I'll check out your Ragman script and hopefully have a review up fairly soon.

-Mike



"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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