The Basement by Andrew Roby - Thriller - On her way to her mothers funeral, Belle Rogers stops at a Hotel until the rain settles down. But the Hotel is full... except for the Basement. And in the Basement only your sickest most horrific fantasies can come true. 64 pages - html, format

Basement, The (revised) by Andrew Roby - Thriller, Horror - On her way to her mothers funeral, Belle Rogers stops at a Hotel until the rain settles down. But the Hotel is full... except for the Basement. And in the Basement only your sickest most horrific fantasies can come true. 72 pages - html, format

This better be good. As of now, I'm expecting nothing short of the greatest script ever written. If I'm disappointed, I'll give bad reviews to anything else you write from now on (even if I actually like it)...



I'm kidding, of course. I'm interested to see how this turns out. It's pretty short so I'll probably have a review up pretty soon.

Okay finished.

SPOILERS, OF COURSE...

This was a pretty good read. Definitely one of the more grisly scripts I've read as of late. The hotel was a pretty effective setting as well. Unfortunately, I don't think it was as shocking as you hoped it would be though. Belle having sex with a ghost was pretty messed up but that didn't really seem to be the hook. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it and I don't think the hype harmed it nearly as much as it could have.

A few things...

- Why is Belle staying at the hotel for a week if it's established at the beginning that the funeral is the next day. I think someone mentioned this on the WIP thread but it's still here and needs to be fixed.

- This first dream seems kind of pointless. It doesn't seem to be contributing anything to the story. I realize Kim and the Colonel pop up later in the story but this dream doesn't seem to enhance their introductions. I realize this is a short script so rather than omitting it, I'd suggest expand upon it so it has more importance in the story.

- Belle talks to herself a tad too much early on in the story. Try to cut back on this.

- Belle receives a text message from someone called B. At first, I thought this was Daniel and thought it odd he would refer to himself as B instead of D. Having finished this, however, I assume the message is from Brian. Establish his character earlier on so people don't get confused between him and Daniel. It happens a few more times later on.

- I'm going to take a while guess and say George started writing at the start of the tour. I suppose I haven't read enough from either of you to tell instantly who's who but there seems to be a distinct change in dialogue here and a few scenes following. Anyway, just a guess.

- I don't know about this sex scene. It takes up a lot of space and seems a tad gratuitous. Are all of these details really neccesary? I'd say cut it back some.

- After the first torture scene, the story obviously shifts considerably in tone and becomes a lot nastier. However there're a few lines I think are unintentionally comical, which is a big problem in stories like this. I'm talking about lines like "nerve endings suck," "one of us," and Belle mimicing Daniel's answering machine. I'd suggest you get rid of these lines or change them so they're less comical.

- Carl doesn't need to reveal that they're all dead. It's quite obvious at this point that they are.

Other than all that, this is a good script. You have a very creepy, nasty, and original story here, Andrew. While I think it's far from "the most shocking tale of the century," it's not bad and has managed to survive the hype you've surrounded it with. Good job.

Thank you for the review. I PMed you with a follow up and explanation for some of things you said. Could you please place SPOLIERS before your review though. And if someone post a review without spoilers write SPOILER FREE above it.

I hope you all enjoy the script.

MINOR SPOILERS in response to James' comments.

The B instead of D thing in the text message is my fault. In an earlier draft Daniel's and Brian's roles were switched, so I wrote the scenes with Daniel as Brian. When I realized he switched them, I changed the names, but missed the text message.

The week thing was in the first draft and I actually added in the beginning to setup getting to the hotel and intended to clean up the lack of continuity there to make her stay more impromptu since it was supposed to be for the funeral.

The first dream actually had the intention of setting up Kim's character and the existence of this red dress as opposed to the Colonel, who was more of a gratuitious afterthought. It was less plot driven and more character, which I know can be a bit of a sin.

Yes, I initially started writing at the beginning of the tour. Good catch, although I also wrote the beginning up to when Belle arrives at the hotel. And the nerve endings line is intentionally comical and is also my fault. Sometimes, I can't help myself...

Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Antemasque Could you please place SPOLIERS before your review though.

Done. Sorry about that. I used to put spoiler warnings in all my reviews but stopped after I figured all reviews have spoilers in them. Guess I should start puting them back in.

Thank you. I just don't want someone coming along your review and having some things spoiled cause if they know what will happen the story changes big time. ya know?

The opening of the film seems very sudden to me. We never know Gertie at all and we are only given one scene with Belle and Daniel before they seperate and she heads off on her trip. The accident happens very early on and it seems as though you were deliberately trying to rush through these early scenes, which is a big mistake in my book. Also, are there any intentional homages to Psycho, because the rain, the car, the hotel, it all seems very Hitchcockian and I was wondering if you were respecting Psycho or ripping it off. Also, I was born in January, 1989 so I very much like that little reference, even though I am 100% sure you didn't put it in there for my sake or because of me.

Before I continue, I am just curious to know who participated in what parts of the script. Which scenes were written by Andrew and which by George? I'd also like to take this opportunity to praise your formatting, it is a very well set-out script. The dialogue boxes and paragraphs are pretty much perfect, excellent job with it. So many people ignore or underestimate the importance of formatting these days and it's just such a shame that they do because there's nothing more annoying than a poorly typed script. Now, back to the story.

Concerning the dream sequence, I love them and this one is no exception. They are great tools to advance the plot without resorting to ordinary or boring dialogue scenes. But I don't think it was necessary to put that it was a dream in the script (INT. HOTEL - BALLROOM - DREAM). It's kind of a spoiler, because I love figuring out when things are dreams and when they're not.

With the character of THE MAN, I think what you've done with him is great, especially how he casually avoids telling Belle his name near the beginnnig and how he avoids telling her what happened to Agnes's husband Earl in the elevator. I would just add a little bit more hesitation on Belle's behalf when he appears at her door with flowers and a bottle of wine. It would add another layer of creepiness to know that our main character is trepedacious about him.

That first scene with Agnes is really very nice. I think you've captured her insanity very well here, especially with her insistance that the police be called and her line "I think I'm getting tired of this room." It's funny and sad at the same time, which is a perfect little mood.

The sex scene that followed the dancing I thought was very suddenly and perhaps unnecessary, both in its existence and its writing. The way the sex is described, with thrusting and going down disturbed the gentleness of the dancing and it may come off as gratuitous. Perhaps they could have just kissed and then we dissolve to the bed post-lovemaking. Also, the romance I think should have been advanced a little further to make the sex more plausible, I mean she has only been there a day and she already has a boyfriend. Carl's tutonic charms aside, I don't think Belle is the kind of person that would just sleep with someone whom we're supposed to fear. I lost a lot of respect for her in this sequence. But I did like that she regretted it afterwards, so maybe it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be.

And here comes the torture scene. Since we do not know Kim at all, except from the dream, this sequence lacks the impact that it should have, but it is still pretty grisly. The hammering of her teeth is quite gruesome, but I suppose that it the whole point and I do love all that kind of stuff. The only thing I didn't like was that Belle just stood there and didn't try to interfere and didn't even run until he had killed her. Perhaps not interfering was the smartest thing to do, but I would have had her try to leave at the very least near the beginning of the scene. But there is a very scary moment where he just looks at her and smiles, kind of like he noticed her for the first time. It's a great scene, very bloody, but great.

Well I really have nothing else to say about the build-up portion of the script so let's get right to the ending. I absolutely love montages, I think they're one of the most effective filmmaking tools in the industry, from the Christening/Slaughtering in The Godfather to Montage from Team America. The killings here are effectively creepy because by this point in the script you have established this eerie mood where nothing is as it seems. It's a very effective sequence, and here everything comes together very nicely. "Never endings suck", nice job.

All in all, this script was very wel done. It was disgustingly gruesome and slightly depressing in it's own way. The ending is very effective and while I can offer you no help it getting it produced, I sincerely suggest you try because this is the kind of film I wanna see, even though I am not pretending to understand it fully. But, then again, maybe I'm just dense.

Cheers, Chism.

Thank you very much for your review Chrism. Originally the opening was just her getting out of her car and entering the Hote. But George has added that little thing in the beginning before all that. Just to introduce Belles bf and Metile so when they pop up later in the script the reader is not totally blind on who they are.

And i was not even thinking psycho when i wrote this script. Thank you for the compliment on the format.

The sex scene is suppose to show the kind of power that Carl really has. The things he can do to Belle. She has not noticed that but that is what it means.

From Kim to the ending. Did you like it? Was there anything wrong with it? Since you said you had nothing else to say i would just like to know if you liked or disliked it.

Thank you again for reading and i'm glad you enjoyed it.

I read this last night but I think I remember it pretty well to give a review. Here are just a few things that popped out at me:


SPOILER
SPOILER
SPOILER!


in the WIP thread, you made the "Basement" sound like a portal to another dimension -- or something that is just too far from belief. I wasn't surprised at all to find a torture chamber. I mean, to me, Carl was way beyond creepy and I found bringing a bottle of wine to a complete stranger's hotel room very creepy and not realistic. You didn't even describe him as overly handsome or suave. He's a hotel manager! -- he wouldn't tell her his name! I would definitely NOT invite him into my room. Especially if that room is in the basement with steep stairs for an exit.

And, you didn't describe this hotel to be the most romantic and huge -- I mean, you didn't even describe it to have a bunch of cars in the parking lot. And there are Shakespeare plays happening here? I knew something wasn't right. Like Chism, I saw definite similiarities with Psycho. In fact, when there's pelting rain and the main character had to drive off the road to a hotel, I was imagining a rundown place. Maybe you were trying to build up the feeling of "what's happening here" but I wasn't drawn in at all.

Definitely need to drop the sex scene down a few notches. I think it had a level of gratuity to it and it seemed out of place. I agree with Chism again... there was a gentle dance scene-- like you wrote, a little "awkward." But then there's dirty, not-necessarily-passionate love scene but she scatches his back till it bleeds and they "go down" on each other? I don't think you described it like you wanted it to come out. "The sex scene is supposed to show the kind of power that Carl really has. The things he can do to Belle." But it didn't come out like that. I thought she was a nice, wholesome girl trying against all odds to get to her mother's funeral. I thought he was a creep. It didn't fit that they would have sex.. especially after only knowing each other a day.

The gore! It sure exploded blood and guts in the second half, didn't it? Kim sitting on the nails, the hammer ... ICK! I think about it know and I want to go watch a funny cartoon. I can't imagine watching that on screen and not wanting to walk out for a popcorn-run. Then it didn't slow down until the end. I'm sure most would find that exciting, but I was just skimming through it -- not interested at all. I don't think this was written for a gal like me.

Oh, and how come Belle can hit Carl upstairs and he says "Nerve endings suck," but at the end, she hits him again repeatedly and all he does is laugh? That stuck out to me.

But when it came to the gore, ignoring the ick-factor, I thought it was described well. I thought it had a nicely formed revenge plot and it all fit together in the end. And I liked how she died at the end -- that doesn't happen a lot in films.

Anyway, it was pretty short and it could use some work but all in all, I just think it wasn't for me. I'm not a gratuitous sex and violence fan. So maybe you should just ignore the rest of my review.

Haha. Well some scripts/movie are not for everyone. Even though it wasnt the type of script for you, i'm glad that you actually gave me your ideas. This was suppose to be in your face and i aint leaving till the end kinda script. Thank you very much for your opinions and all. And actually i'm glad you didn't like it. If it was shown in the movies and the girls (no offense at all) squimmed in their seats then mission accomplished. It's not a fairy tale. ya know? Thank you again for reading it and taking the time to write a review for it.

Andrew

No problem. There's a short I submitted and you can return the favor when Don updates

Quoted Text If it was shown in the movies and the girls (no offense at all) squimmed in their seats then mission accomplished.

Well when you put it that way, then you succeeded.

No problem. What's the title of it so i can look out for it?

Hey Andrew -- I read this last night and mulled over it a bit, then read the other reviews prior to composing these comments.  You continue to improve, both in formatting and in your general techniques of telling a story.  George's segments fit into the whole picture pretty seamlessly, which is another indication of how well you are progressing.

Having said that, I still wouldn't toss this script into the middle of a discussion concerning Chinatown and Citizen Kane and other films of that ilk.  Hype is one thing, but that is taking it a bit too far -- even as a joke (and it obviously rubs some people the wrong way).

(SPOILERS FOLLOW)

I'm with Impulse as far as the WIP thread.  I found it to be a bit misleading, and I too envisioned alternate dimensions or something along those lines.  The "hole" in question is certainly man-made, so I'm not sure what to make of the synopsis you provided.  You obviously don't need practice at generating interest in your stories (haha), but you should work on writing a proper synopsis.

*  The opening scene was great.  I really liked it.  Who's idea was "...like a shark fin..." moving across the ceiling.  Very nice imagery there.
*  I don't understand why this basement room is so nice.  If it hasn't been used in 20 years, wouldn't Belle be curious about the fresh flowers and such?  I think the mood could be improved if you made this room darker, damper, and not so appealing.
*  What was the point of Carl coming into Belle's room after the dream?  That conversation seemed pretty inconsequential.
*  Ah, the sex scene.  A couple of problems here.  First, it turns Belle into a big slut, which is not an attractive aspect for her character.  We should like Belle -- she's our main girl -- but this scene makes us like her less.  I read later that you were trying to establish that Carl had some kind of "power" over her.  That's cool, but it's not clear at all as you have it written now.  Perhaps you should construct this scene so she is not so "willing" a participant.  Like she has been hypnotized or something.  This makes it creeper, and increases our sympathy for Belle as opposed to diminishing it.
*  Sex scene comments, part II:  Lots of people are busting you on the graphic nature of your descriptions here.  Don't just blow these comments off, Andrew.  Try to be objective, and realize that these people actually do have a point.  I suspect you are thinking, "What a bunch of prudes, they just can't handle it."  That's not it at all, and I agree with what people have been telling you.  I know you are trying to be "edgy" and "raw", but you take it too far with "going down" and all of that.  What it really does is take the reader out of the story, and it seems out of place with the mood you are trying to create.  You might not believe me, but I am telling you true -- if you come back and read this scene in about 10 years or so you will absolutely cringe and say, "What the hell was I thinking?"
*  Hey, this Cam Rogers guy must be a complete and total bad-ass!!!
*  I had to figure out who Brian was, and was confused at first.  Set him up earlier as a character that we will remember later on.
*  Don't use "plant cutters".  They are called "garden shears".
*  I had the same problem with Belle's father that I did with Brian.  Did we actually see him earlier at some point?  I can't recall, but it seems like he just "pops up" outta nowhere.  When these characters show up near the end -- at a pivotal point in this story -- we should recognize them immediately and know exactly who they are.

So, you can be proud of this one, Andrew.  It's a tight story that moves fast and carries some heavy shocks along the way.  I didn't really comment on the gore because I didn't have much to criticize -- those scenes are pretty good as they are.

You are getting some good comments here, and I would encourage you to take them on board and strengthen this up with a new draft.  I've read most of your stuff, I think, and this is amongst the best of your works, if not the best to date.  And I suspect your best work is still ahead of you.  Good job.

Thanks a lot for your review Bert. It will greatly help me in my next rewrite. What i'm going to do is put all the comments on a notepad and combine the similar ones and what not and read over them. The ones that i think are neccesary i will do for the later draft and the ones i don't i will not do. Obviously the sex is going to be cut down but this version is just how i wrote it. I didn't cut anything, i just took out the scenes that did not make senses. The next draft i'll call the Directors Cut and ill take all the comments and use them on my rewrite. And i'm still working on making this full length (at least 75/80 pages) and i'm going to do more with the characters that we know not much of. (Like Brian) So it would be stronger when you read the outcome of each character.

Again, thank you for the review and comments Bert. They will greatly help when i work on my rewrite.