A few comments based on what I've read concerning the parts that I did.

The opening scene has no intro because the first scene of any film must reflect the genre of the film. I gave the hcaracter a name because characters should have names. I preferred calling her Gertie to "a woman." Helps to make her a little more real. "Like a shark fin" was my idea.

I did write the pages leading up to where Belle parks outside the hotel. I made it short on purpose because I didn't tell Andrew I wrote anything there, and I didn't want to overstep my boundaries. Psycho never came to mind when I did the beginning since those were actually some of the last scenes written in the entire script and all I was doing was leading into the original first scene.

Originally, Kim's character had no setup leading into her death. The first dream attempted to fill that gap. Maybe it needs to be longer...

Like that imagery on Cam, do you Bert?

Belle's father was mentioned in passing before the final scene where he appears. It is never said how he died, so I just pictured a car accident. Both he and Brian have some subtle setups early on, but nothing concrete. It was a matter of plugging stuff in where I could into the existing fabric of the script.

Andrew did do a good job on this one, definitely. He had a decent premise to begin with and the only scenes I did were the ones that had backstory: the initial tour after breakfast to the attic dance, and then exiting the torture room to when she enters room 431. But the concept and most of the script were his so the kudos clearly go to him, since he was the mastermind here.

That was...different. Nevertheless, in a good way.

SPOILERS

Took me a little while to figure out that Gertie (interesting name) was Belle's mother.

The format was basically perfect, so I'll skip it.

Belle was offered to stay in the basement, yet no one else ahd been staying in there for the last twenty years. She wasn't suspicious at all. I sure would be.

I began to suspect soemthing about Carl, but the revalation was written in a way that it was still surprising.

All of her family ahd "disapppeared" on that hihgway, never to be found again? The police found nothing?

This script would be  better off as a horror. I think of thrillers as something like "Red Eye" or "Panic Room".

This woulkd be a pretty creepy movie if it were filmed. And it would be atleast  seventy minutes, depsite being only sixty pages.

Pverall, a very creepy script, Andrew. Your writing seemed  very adult and mature now.

Since I wasn't subject to too much of the hype, I wasn't dissapointed.

Notes/Review

No pages here so I'll try to make these notes as detailed as possible...

*The man says the room hasn't been used since 1989?  I hope this comes into play later, because that's a line used in horror films that are long forgotten.
*The text message.  Who's B? Is that supposed to be D?
*That sex scene looks like it was added just for the sake of having a sex scene.  Belle winds up at this place, she wakes up, she chats with this guy and old lady for 20 minutes then they make passionate love.  And I just remembered she's already with Daniel.  What the hell?
*Second script in 2 days with a torture chamber haha.  Oh man I love it.
*"Bells walks down the AISLE."  Isle is an island
*Okay, now that Earl has revealed that Carl doesn't exist, my previous comments are likely to be withdrawn.
*By any chance were you inspired by McClung's "House of God." In his story, a guy steps on a discarded jaw, and just now Belle steps on a discarded tooth, both which took place in a torture chamber.  Just comparing here.  Gruesome minds think alike.
*Carl and Belle fighting---eyes don't bleed, they don't have any blood in them, but there is plenty of blood in the surrounding skin to make a mess.  Also, his face is "literally turned inside out."  I think for the sake of the reader, you should describe this a little more.  Maybe say that his eye is hanging out of his socket, or his nose is dangling from his face or something.
*"That name ring any bells, Belle?" Ha!
*Yeah...get rid of Starbuck Starr.  Nobody outside this site knows who the hell he is. Sorry Bert
*Belle hiding in the closet--She left a "someone is trying to kill me message" with Brian just a little while earlier. I just realized something.  Why would she calls her home number when Daniel is at work and likely has his cell phone?  Cause it says "she dials in another number" and then Daniel picks up and is oblivious that she left a message on the other line.
*Graveyard--wet and damp are very similar things. I'd stick with one
*"They go away when Belle looks around." Disappear is a better word here. Or vanish.

So, one of the most hyped scripts on SS mostly for its excessive gore and violence.  I gotta say, it probably is the most gorey script I've read on here, but shockingly wise it didn't really live up to the hype.  

Storywise I think it's pretty interesting and with these, paranormal fellows I guess you can call them, trying to exterminate Belle's family.  It had some pretty nice imagery as well with modern, Civil War-ish and also the dark, medieval torture/construction kind of thing.  

Some of the characters I had problems with.  First, what I liked about Belle was that she fought and at times kicked ass, so she wasn't the ordinary ditz whose afraid to break a nail.  The thing that degraded her character was sleeping with Carl.  We don't have much of a backstory on her, but from what you gave us she has a nice relationship with Daniel.  She just jumps into the sack with this Carl guy.  Makes her look as easy as 1,2,3.  Some people are commenting on the detail of the scene, but for me it's mostly just the positioning of it and the relevance that it has to the story.

Carl...I don't know.  At first I thought he'd be this prim butler guy, then he turns into this smooth talking good guy, then he turns into this psychotic dude.  I think I would have liked more of a macho or badass personality throughout.  For the most part the dialogue was pretty good.  Had some funny quirks here and there.  Nothing much to complain about on that end.

And then the gore.  You had some very nice gore in here.  Lots and lots of blood.  As I said, probably the most goriest script I've read on here, but the shock value wasn't what I expected.  I think to get that shock you would have wanted some more explicit detail.  Rather than saying somebody is getting butchered, describe what's going on.  Are they getting their ears cut off, is someone shoving a knife up their ass, etc.

So overall, it wasn't the most shocking thing I've read, but it was very enjoyable and speedy nevertheless.  A nice gorefest for all.  Don't take any of my comments the wrong way, they're meant to be insightful and helpful since I did enjoy the piece very much.  Well done!

Thank you BigWoop and Greg. Your comments are very helpful. And i would never take comments the wrong way. If you read it and thought something was wrong and i didnt that is your opinion. What's the internet for anyway? So people can bitch about movies. (or scripts) Of course there will be controversy. But no ones comments on here have made me mad or anything. All of them are very helpful and i will look back to every one of them and see if i could improve it for the later draft. And also on my next draft the sex scene will make much more chance and it will be trimmed down a bit.

Again, thank you all and i am glad you enjoyed it.

Oh, it's called 'At a Funeral?' Thanks for the read! Oh, and I didn't tell you that I thought the names were original. Gertie, Belle, Carl .. all names you don't hear all that often.

In response to your question, Andrew, yes I did like the ending very much. Perhaps if the script were a bit longer you could have set things up a little bit better, made some things a little clearer, but I'm really not complaining. It's a great little script, gruesome yes, but still great. The Exorcist was gruesome, and look how good that was, or Reservoir Dogs. Gruesome films can be great.

And what I said above, don't make the script any longer than it is. Perhaps a couple of additions might go down well, but honestly the length is fine overall. Your script may have a couple of minor problems, but the pacing is something I can't criticise.


Cheers, Chism.


P.S. Please, I'm begging you, for the sake of the script's quality, do not write a sequel. I really did like this script, but I think the appearence of The Basement Part II might take things a little too far.

Oh for god sakes i would never tink about writing The Basement Two. That would be hell. And if i were to make it longer it would only be by 10 pages prolly so it wouldn't be by much.

For the next draft i've already extended the beginning a little. And changed some dialouge. But i still have a lot of work to do on it.

Andrew

Andrew, you rated this as:

Rated R for some scenes of Graphic Violence and Torture, Disturbing/Frightening Images, a scene of Strong Sexuality and some language.

I'd actually rate it:

Rated R for Sequences of torture, graphic violence including gore throughout, sexuality, and brief strong language.

Yeah, I used to rate my short films, so these things are actually pretty fun  

On another note, I think to get the full shock value from the gore is to rewrite some of the torture sequences using more explicit detail.  Cutt off limbs that barely get touched like noses, ears, eyeballs, etc.  You got the ankles sliced off which was a nice touch.  For even more shock value, you could have Carl shagging Kim after she's tortured to death.  You could actually cut the sex scene with him and Belle and copy it to Kim, so that way we don't dislike Belle for any reason and we're like "holy crap! He's shagging a dead chick!"

Just food for thought.  I'm not violently ill in any way for those of you who are possibly wondering.

Haha. Thank you for the rating update. Maybe i could make him have sex with Kim and it could all be in the same dream as Belle. That way she won't look like a  s-l-u-t. haha. I'm actually doing a lot of rewriting on this and it's turning out a little longer and better. (obviously)

anyone else plan on reading this here piece?

Be patient, grasshopper.

ill get to it, i promised george id read his new script he put up and im swamped with work at school but i will get to it eventually, if you are planning on doing the re-write right away go for it but if you want to let it sit a while i may be able to bring out some additional comments for you to think about
seems like everyone enjoyed it for the most part so far which has intrigued me
lastly though... if it really is a good story that someone said theyd enjoy on screen why not stretch it out? 70-80 pages isn't really a full length... i dont know about anyone else but a movie under 90 minutes tends to annoy me even if its a full story... so if you are serious about maybe trying to get something out of this later on think of what you can extend

ill have a review up within the next couple of weeks, if thats too long and will no longer be helpful then sorry, but i will still read it and comment anyway

I've downloaded it and will print it out so I can read it over the weekend.
Looking forward to this, Andrew and Geroge, and I will hopefully have a review up shortly.

Andrew and George ,
I am reading your script. I am not even 1/3 of the way through but I will finish it tomorrow.

P.S. Andrew, nice to meet you!  

Shelby

Andrew,

I read the script this morning. The first half reminded me of Dark Light and the second Half reminded me of The Shining. Both good films.

POSITIVES:

1. Your film managed to capture the same atmosphere as Dark Light and The Shining with out ripping them off.

2. You had some intresting twists. I liked them and the only part I saw coming was the twist that Carl killed the old woman's husband. It was still a good twist though,

3. Perfect formatting. You did nicely on that.

4. I think you did really well on the torture scene. Others didnt think you did but when Kim got pressed aginst the spikes that really made me feel creeped out *Sharp things do that to me.*

5. Naming all the charcters. Books tell you not to but it makes them seem more real if you pin a name on them.

6. I liked your everyone dies at the end ending. I really liked that you were honest about it and not "Oh well she's the main character so she cant die". That pisses me off.

7. You handled the sex scene well. I was glad to read you didnt catch "Cabin Fever".

Constructive Critism:

1. While on the sex scene, it was out of place. When they were dancing in the attic the kiss would be soon but acceptable. Sex, how about no. Have Carl and the old woman have sex *kidding*

2. You revealed the twist too soon. There was so much more to play with on Carl and Belle's 'relationship'. Also there was more to play with when the guy tell Belle Carl was dead. You could go many more places with that. *I.E. have her go look at the picture that was empty to find Carl, etc.*

3. Maybe instead of rain it could be a blizzard. It's easier to believe she would risk missing her mothers funeral because of ice rather than water.

4. The death scenes need a little bit more gore.

Over all it was a good script. Good twists *** out of ****

Thank you very much Shelby. And nice to meet you too. I'm glad you enjoyed it and i will make sure to take your comments of critisim, along with everyone elses, and use them as guidelines while i do my rewrite. And i am working on bits and pieces of it now. Again, thank you very much for taking your time and reading this here script.

Andrew