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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Basement Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Basement  (currently 9197 views)
chism
Posted: April 15th, 2006, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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Andrew,

Make sure you let all of us know when this new rewrite is coming in. I'm really looking forward to reading it. I guess I've already covered how much I liked this one. I tend to repeat myself a little.


Cheers, Chism.
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Antemasque
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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I'll get the rewrite up in May. Thanks to everyone who read this and commented on it. Your comments really help and i thank you for them.

Andrew
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: April 23rd, 2006, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Andrew, this is definately your best work to date. It's a balance of atmosphere and to me at least it has a surrealistic quality to it.
The last feature-length script I read from you was "Contagium" and this is a vast improvement. With "Contagium" you had the surrealism down but it didn't balance with the realism. It was trippy horror and at times was too trippy to be scary. It was deluted. "The Basement" you find that balance that works.

*spoilers*

My only qualm is the ending. The "one of use" ending seems a tad cheesy.

***1/2 out of *****
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Antemasque
Posted: April 23rd, 2006, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for checking it out.

I just finished fixing the errors and now i will extend the death scenes and gore and what not. After that i'll add more scenes which will help with the story. Oh, and i changed the whole sex scene around. More shocking and better how it is now.
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George Willson
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 12:02am Report to Moderator
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I'll admit to also being curious as to how this rewrite will turn out. I'll have to see what he does since I'm out of the loop this time. That's not a complaint, BTW, just a comment.


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Scoob
Posted: April 25th, 2006, 12:26am Report to Moderator
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Meant to say, I have been reading this and have now written about it and my review will be up in the next hour or so.




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Scoob
Posted: April 25th, 2006, 3:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey Andrew and George, here is my review of "The Basement".

Excellent start, however why Gertie is not screaming in pain as her arms are stabbed I do not know. She asks "Whats going on?" as if normally awoken.

The dialouge is slick and quick to the point at the start which is good, a little more development at this early stage might make it even better.

Great descriptions along the road, simple and effective with a great format that is pleasing to my eyes!

The picture you draw that this hotel is magnificent is a great one. The "Man" seems interesting and Belle is now allowed a room to stay in a room. OK. Lets see what happens.

Not sure about the dream. It seems like a good idea but drags a little in the way it seemed predictable.

The MAN at the door is the same MAN that welcomed Belle into the hotel right? Why is all nice now and was not so pleasant before? He seems to have undergone a serious change in personality. Plus, he is the hotel butler. It's a bit out of place any Butler/Servant doing that in any hotel. Unless this guy is a psycho or I have read this completly wrong but lets see how this moves.

Kim matching Belles eyes, like the dream was , is good. Nice scene here, the whole mood was well done.

I know the Carl-Belle thing might need to move ahead but this moving too fast for him to say something like that considering he's the Hotel staff. Surely?? People get sued for less. Maybe if they both had a chance to talk properly the previos evening it might make more sense, but at the moment Carl is coming across as a complete sex hound and Belle looks like a whore.

Another thing i dont get: Carl has only been working here a year yet knows the complete history of the place. How come he knows all this but has no idea why the room Belle hired has not been used in so long?
I hope and expect this to be explained.

Apart from the small, very small problems, it is so far good and enjoyable. It moves a great speed, is interesting and can imagine this being quite spooky if well directed. At the moment though, it is nothing I have not seen before. But let's see how this goes.

The Agnes woman is a character that seems interesting. But not much more then that at this moment. The fact her husband was murdered obviously plays a part, so the first quiestion I would ask is how and why but Belle asks neither to Carl when they leave the room. Why?

There is a nice shock from the bird but I dont really see the need for Carl and Belle to get it on so quick. Hey, this is a horror film so why not. Belle seems to have forgotten all about her boyfriend.

I have no idea why the sex scene is here. To either make Belle look like she has sex with men she knows less then a day; or to make Carl look like a complete pimp.  Either way, I dont know where this is going to lead us apart from not liking neither character.

Apart from that, the scene was really well written in regards to some sex scenes I have read before.

As I see it now: Belle is on her way to a funeral, gets stuck in rain and goes to a hotel. She ends up doing the dirty with the bellhop the next day and seems more interested in this hotel then getting to her initial destination. The sudden realisation of what she has done does not make up for it either.

The torture scene was very good, although I am confused what is going on , this was the best scene yet. Not becasue of the gore level, but the descriptions were excellent and you did a really good job of making sure there was no escape for the reader, nothing else was there but the brutallitly of the kill, it was completly focused on that. So that is a great scene.

Well that was great - you had me fooled I thought that was actually happening! So kudos to you for pulling that off. This is getting interesting....

The phone converation is great! Heh Heh, what a barsteward Carl is turning out to be!!

Well things are definitly getting interesting now! Carl is actually dead it seems according to Earl. Nice twist Andy, You have written this really well.

Things are picking up, becoming exciting. This is now turning out to be a well written script and all is coming to place nicely.

The scene is great where Belle bashes Carl over the head but I would change the phrase "turns his face inside out". I mean, does it literally turn his face inside out? If not, just state what it does: Leave a mark, slash him, bruise, leave a nasty mark:

The face reconstruction kind of answers my above question but I would then like more description of how and what part of his face is turned inside out. If all, you need to say so. I have no idea how much of his face is torn off. And what are we seeing underneath?

Apart from that, this is really kicking into gear. You have this completyl moved from a slow moving piece to something that is now full of urgency; a need to get away and escape which is described excellently. And may I add, a need to continue reading. Yuo have me hooked!

Laughed out loud at the Starbuck Starr line.  George? lol.

Not sure what to make of the story behind the story. I was expecting something a little more. What you have delivers perfectly and is great, but I am left somewhat dissapointed that it comes down to an old ghost story again. Not to say this is not good, by all means, this is great and a fantastic finish. But I was built up and expecting a completly different finish to one that has been told over and over again, but in different ways. I think you did it well, and with a great touch but you also dont give too much away in what it was all about. The civil war? Ok, I only know that from what you are now telling me. Photos are great, sure, but you never described any civil war activity whatsoever. It kind of makes the whole story become numb, and nonsence becasue it seems there was no point in anything you have shown us to get to this point.
If this is the main thing, the main part and the cause of this evil curse, then it needs to be made more clear earlier on.

We also get a lot of flashbacks. I know you like these Andrew and Im not going to say dont do it, but they do become a bit tiresome in the latter parts when the action should really be taking place. I found it very distracting and although crucial to the plot, it made me lose interest.  Maybe these shots can be placed earlier in one go, when maybe not so clear but when you read it later , you will think back and think "Oh shiiz".

The following scenes are great; the tunnel the coffin, the descriptions are excellent.

Inside the room, again description are brilliant. Personally, I love that. The more Im told about the place, the better. You have it spot on here, I can see it visually and can therefore enjoy the whole thing a lot more. Myslef, I drag on with describing something, and I dont think I will change that, but you have it where it is not too much and not too little so well done on that part.

You really did a great job with the wall not being a wall. That is a fantastic bit of writing.

Daniel is strapped to a table, there is a psycho with a saw in hand and he is still debating with Belle about their relationship. Not sure about some of this dialouge.

However, the murder that follows is excellent. Class. Brilliant!!!! Top notch. I would take back my last comment but I cant as it is how I felt as I read it. Now, forget it! This scene makes up for it. Very good, very gruesome and very, very nasty.

As they say, gore does not make a story and it certainly does not. This, however, has a story and is now delivering some gore along the way. That has to be one of the most sadistic murders I have read on this site. Great stuff.

Van Strotten's sadistic ways should have been told in flashbacks perhaps. He seems interesting and something should be done to capitilize on this.
As he is, he's just a ghost that appears and does nothing more then shock Belle. He is a nasty peice of work and you should maybe make him out to be more then he is at the moment.

Wow. Belle's feet scene is....great and distrurbing. Excellent!

The ending is superb. Well done and not having one of those "happy" endings that are deemed so nessecary all the time.

Looking at "The Basement" as a whole, I think you have done a brilliant job Andrew and this has to be you're best work I have read. Perhaps I was over critical, but I hope it helps. I have tried to be as critical as possible so it can help you as I know that , whilst great for the ego, positive remarks dont tend to help that well in rewrites.

Of course, George needs a big slap on the back aswell!  I think you both worked really well on this and the end product was one that you can both be very happy about.

"THE BASEMENT" is a very good read, and you should be very proud of writing it.



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George Willson
Posted: April 25th, 2006, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Scoob. I did a little here and there, and yeah, I'm responsible for the Starbuck Starr reference. Bert just came up with a cool name.


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thegardenstate89
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Alright I didn't read over other reviews so I apologize if I sound redudant.
Andrew,
You've got yourself one good script. The dialogue is definately what shines. Whitty when it needs to be, smart, and scary. You tie things up pretty well at the end. It had sort of twilight zone feel with an old hotel.
Few comments/complaints:
I know you set your torture seens around them, but since many of these characters are from the civil war era I can't see them using chainsaws. Maybe some authentic tools for that time. Who knows they could prove to be more menacing.
I'm not one for the whole gruesome torture way. Sure I liked it in Old Boy and Audition. But for some reason I don't see any porpuse for it in your script. It didn't bother me at all. But I felt like you were just doing it to make me cringe. I don't know I guess I just get annoyed when the horror genre shows things for the sole reason of scaring us. I might add it was well written torture.
when Belle tells Carl he should leave the room when she was tired, it felt like she was attacking him. It would be such a burn I would be suprised if the girl who told me that then asked for my name. Her telling him that she's tired would followed him not catching on and then followed by her suggesting he'd leave would justify her request as well as add some humor. Just a thought.

One last thing is you didn't describe your characters at all. Just there age and for a few what they were wearing. That I feel is key. WHen carl is introduced as man I had no idea of his age or appearance. I still don't know if he's a greasey little man or a handsome squared jaw jock. Since many of your characters play signifigant roles in one way or another, describing them is a must.

In the end I found this very short but a very good script. For a feature I feel it builds too quickly and ends too suddenly. It's too long to be  a short. Your floating in that middle area. No problem with that thoough
Again great job Andrew and George.
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Antemasque
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Thanks a lot Tony. I'm going to submit the rewrite later today. Here is what is added:

- More graphic torture scenes
- Changed the sex scene around
- some more dialouge and action here and there
- An all new ending.
- Obviously the errors that have been pointed out and i have found are fixed.
- More explanation on Earl (and i'm suprised no one noticed a little thing about him. Here's a hint. When Belle meets Agnes... well just re-read that scene)
- extended scene when Carl enters Belle's room in the middle of the night
- they are now called garden shears. happy bert? haha.
- Belle's father has a brief part in the beginning
- More explantion on what the actually room that Belle was staying in was used for. (ps-more gore)
- more things before 'the twist' (since someone stated it was too soon i made it about 5 pages longer then it was before. that way there would be an extra 5mins before the twist is revealed. a little better?)

I might of forgot some stuff but you get the picture.
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Antemasque
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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I'm almost done. I took everyone's comments towards the script and tried to make it better so those comments do not apply anymore. That way this could be all good comments. Haha. After re-reading the ending i decided to stick with the old one. BUT i will post the one i wrote after the Rewrite is up. That way you can all see what i had in my mind. And maybe decide which one i should use in my final product. After i'm doing with everything ima try and get this mother sold and have it produced. Now who would pay to see this in the movies?

Andrew
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Antemasque
Posted: May 1st, 2006, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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I'll have the next draft this weekend. Eli still hasn't contacted me back. So at this moment i know as much as you. If he doesn't in a few weeks i will try to contact some more people to get this up and running.

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Antemasque
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 5:34am Report to Moderator
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Haha. The revised version is up.... my final draft said it was longer then this.
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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It's about 74 pages or so. You have it set to 10 font size.
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Antemasque
Posted: May 4th, 2006, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Though so.

It's really like 75 pages people. I hope you all enjoy it, if you read it that is.
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