How long was it in Final Draft? 10-point is smaller than Final Draft spits it out.

Final Draft has it on 72 pages.

Anyone going to check out my revised version? I still want my full review topher haha.

I actually did skim over the revised draft. I didn't read the whole thing over again, just glanced at the few areas I suggested you improve.

SPOILERS...

The Kim dream is much better this time. You cater to the audience's confusion with Kim telling Belle she hasn't know her all her life and with Kim telling her to go away, the scene has much more of a point. The blood coming out her face was a nice touch as well.

Holy shit! The sex scene has changed completely! It's nothing at all like it was the first time around and I think works much better. It's disturbing how the scene evolves from romantic dancing to a rape scene. Well done. I also like how decided not to show the entire rape and cut to Belle finding blood on the sheets and examining herself in the bathroom. The effect is much more eerie.

I also see you've added a scene after the credits roll. It's a little unneccesary but it's after the credits so I guess it's not that big a deal. I think it adds sort of a nice effect as well.

All in all, this seems to be very much improved. Good job.

Thanks for checking it out again James. I'm glad you thought it was better and all. I thought the 'scene' would work much better this way and i also had to change some of the dialouge after it so everything would fit. I also thought it would be cool to add the scene after the credits. But i am telling you THERE WILL NOT be a sequal. This is a one time script. So i hope everyone else feels the same way if they check it out.

Thanks a lot for reading it man. I'm glad you enjoyed it.  

Anyone else plan on checking out the new version?

Andrew

I am.

i'll post my review in a couple days.

I think it's been a couple days.

Just finished Andrew. Like everyone else probably said, it's pretty gruesome. I'll just start off with a couple of minor things.

I'll say SPOILERS!!! now, just in case.

At Brian’s house you’ve first mentioned he has black hair then straight after in the next sentence you’ve said he has brown hair.

On the same scene further down you’ve said “He fakes a smile to her. She shakes her hand.” It should be “He shakes her hand” I think.

The first time Earl appears Belle says “I’m just looking for my frien... this man that works her.” That should be “...this man that works here” It’s just minor, I know.

When Belle turns and runs into Carl in the torture room she says “Do you rape girls and kill them? Is that you’re fucking game?” It should be “Is that your fucking game?”

The Format: Obviously good. Nothing wrong with it at all. You certainly know how to write a script.

The Story: The story was good. I kind of guessed Carl was dead when you said that the other guests paid no attention to him. I liked the whole background and story of the families. It was pretty gory but it fitted very well. And the kind of twist ending where she's trying to get away from Carl and she notices the entire hotel is rundown... that, for me, was a mouth and eyes wide open, gasp moment  . That was very cool.

The Characters: Belle I kind of had a problem with. Though on most occasions she was fine, sometimes her emotions or actions just didn't feel real for me. She basically saw her entire family get wiped out in totally gruesome acts and her emotions were usually just minor. I know she was in some situation in the hotel, which made me understand she couldn't really focus on the deaths much but I think she could've helped or tried to help prevent the likes of Dan's death.

The other characters were good. I really liked the sinister Carl. He was pretty disturbing in some points of the script and the detail in his actions left no room for imagination.  

The Verdict: Other than a few points, the story was great and pretty original. I didn't think it would end the way it did so it really surprised me. It's a short script but it's sweet. It was a pleasant read indeed.

GBM Score: 7/10

The Basement is a very well told story with really graphic descriptions of blood and gore. However your script is just short enough not to be a feature length and just long enough to not be considered as a short. I’d say the story was fairly original,---


SPOILERS-------------------


but I’m pretty sure I’ve heard of like a blood line sort of being cursed, because of something a great great grandfather did.

The Protagonist-Belle
Belle is sort of a strange character. When she was bashing in Carl’s face with a hammer and knocking his brains all around the room it didn’t seem like she was fazed she just got up and ran away. It takes guts to slam someone’s head in with a hammer. Belle did a lot of questionable things in my opinion here’s a short list of them.
-Why wouldn’t Belle ask why the room hadn’t been occupied in almost twenty years before she paid for it?
-Why is Belle so willing to follow Carl into the dark place? Didn’t he rape her? I guess it’s okay since it was a dream, but it just felt odd.
-When Belle sees Carl beating Kim why doesn’t she run? She just stands there and saying things like “What are you doing?”
-Why doesn’t Belle call the police immediately after she’s raped?
-Belle doesn’t seem too surprised when she finds out Carl is dead. When Earl tells her she has one little outburst, and then she accepts it.

Character/Descriptions
I felt that the characters were all pretty bland besides Belle. Since the script was kind of short you didn’t get a chance to show what a lot of the others were like. To me Brian and Daniel are pretty close to being the same person. The only thing that makes them different is the fact that ones the boyfriend and the others the brother.

I would have really liked to have known Gertie a little more. The opener is great, and it might not be necessary, but it might be a good idea to tell a little more of Gertie’s story before she’s killed just to up the page count a tad bit.

The descriptions of the violence were excellent. When Kim had her teeth hammered out I was just imagining how horrible it would look on screen. Good job on writing something so vividly disgusting.

Questions/Comments
-I’m trying to figure out what purpose the first dream had. It didn’t push the story along at all. You should really re-consider taking that out.
-I’m pretty sure phone conversations are O.S. for off screen
-The scene with Agnes was good.
-I don’t think it was ever explained why the Colonel was losing the hotel?
-When Belle falls out of the hotel window things got less frantic, and it seemed that she wasn’t in much of a hurry to leave. She was stopping at every grave she saw and it didn’t seem like she was in much of a hurry.
-When Daniel grabs a knife from the table, where did the knife come from?
-Why does Carl unchain Belle, and let her punch him in the face?
-In the end Earl says something “Like I would have walked you out if I could.” Why couldn’t he tell her the truth I don’t think it was ever said.
-I like the idea of a new scene coming up after the credits, but can you explain to me what it meant, I was a bit confused about it.

Final Thoughts
Once again you have a great story, but I’m not sure how you would try to sell it, because to me it didn’t feel like a feature length or a short. The only problems I saw were Daniel and Brian being identical characters and Belle making some questionable decisions. The graphic stuff was well-written and the dialogue was very actable, and what an ending! The bad guys win oh well. Great Job.

Good Luck.

Thanks for checking it out.
I'm actually thinking on adding a lot more to it. Like and very much extended ending (SPOILER) before belle dies. at least 15 more pages of suspense until the conclusion. Is this a good idea? Or is it perfect how it is now?

I loved how short it was to be honest Andrew. Like I said above on my review, short and sweet. I think it wouldn't hurt it by adding a few more pages of suspense, actually it would probably strengthen it. 15 pages, for me, is a little too much. 5 pages maybe 8 tops. You shouldn't try to over do it.

Did Eli Roth pick this up? What did he say?


PS I'm not be narky, I am curious.

Quoted from -Ben- Did Eli Roth pick this up? What did he say?

He ended up being a hollywood dickhead. After talking to him for a few days he just stopeed talking. I don't know if something came up or if he is avoiding me. Who knows. I'm still waiting for a reply which i will probably never get.


[ADD] George is helping me rewrite it since he cowrote it.