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thank you for reviewing, and most to bear my English. This one have been written several years ago (before « Da Vinci Code », thanks God you hasn’t talk about it because I’m so afraid people could compare then two)
Quoted from dresseme
Ok, once again, I'm not going to bother commenting on your english, as I feel it would be a rather arduous task on my part. Your english is by no means horrible, however, I feel like if you were to ever pass this out, you'd probably want someone to go over it with a fine toothed comb.
First off, I don't buy that Tom, now a priest, comes out of retirement as a cop. Not only does he have no authority and would probably have been stripped of his badge, but it seems kind of cheesy. I'm wondering, and I know you might think this is a stretch, but is it absolutely necessary that Tom be a priest? It seems like the story would work just fine as a man wrestling with his inner demons working on this case. The idea of him being a priest seems kind of superfluous, especially seeing as he doesn't really act like one.
I did some researches for one whole year to get everything the more accurate before writing and found some documentation about an ex-cop who turned priest. Not being a priest could turn to someone like Robert Langdon. And something I put very discreetly in the dialogues is the first time Laura saw Tom she called him « Father »…
Quoted from dresseme
Second, the motivation that makes Tom take the case doesn't really work for me. I understand he wants to see his daughter again, but Risi holding it over his head doesn't seem that believable. I feel like, if Tom were really motivated to track down his daughter, he could. I mean, he's a detective! Or he could hire someone. So Risi constantly holding this over his head seems weird.
Tom abandonned a long time ago the idea to see his daughter again. He explains it to Laura and tells her why. Tom toook as fate the fact that someone comes to him to offer him a second chance.
Quoted from dresseme
(Oh, and side note, on page 25 they notice that something is missing from the dust in a safe. Is there dust inside an air-tight safe?)
Mea Culpa. let’s say this safe is often open (LOL)
Quoted from dresseme
Finally, I think you need to do a better job of making the audience not suspect Risi. I suspected he was involved from the minute he was introduced. I hate to use the word "cliche", but in these types of mysteries, 95% of the time it's the person who hired them. You might want to either change this entirely or work on something with throwing the audience off.
The challenge was NOT to suspect or not Risi. Risi is not sympathetic from the start. Of course, I played along with the cliché. But it was a smoke to hide the fact who is really Laura. While people is busy to suspect Risi, they might not guess who she is really.
Quoted from dresseme
You said you have someone interested in making this? How's that going?
We’re about to write a second draft that certainly will start with details of Crucifixion and details every relic. One thing has already changed. We won’t talk anymore of foreskin but nail (easier to show )
Thanks again for that deep review, and glad you liked it anyway. Michel
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