First of all I just want to say well done on the screenplay! You write well and you've got ability! Here a few things I picked. I'll categorize them by Act.

First Act:

I have to agree with some of the others. Lose the first act! It doesn't work. It's too subdued and doesn't accurately set the tone for the proceeding events. You must set the right tone! I think consciously/sub-consciously you know there is a problem in your first act, as you're writing greatly improves after this.

So forget about Miranda. She just serves as exposition and has no part in the story, except acting as a sounding board for Cindy's discontent. Which leads me onto: too much talk about money, work, writing, money, work, writing. It sounds too personal, like more of the writer's struggle. It doesn't serve the story.

When she meets Buddy on the train. This is coincidence! Coincidence should be avoided.

Second Act:

I agree, this is the best part of your script. If you setup the First Act, know where you're going in the third, you shouldn't have to change this too much.

Third Act:

I take it you're interested in the Japanese aspect, I am also fascinated with their culture, however you don't seem to explore any of this in your script. Which I believe voids you're need to have them speaking in so much Japanese. The only time this worked was in 'Shogun' where it was a necessity.

Pg 80. She spews blood in Shigeo's face. Anyone who does this might blind someone, but they certainly wouldn't be doing much else besides dying! Erase Shigeo's comment 'she blinded me!' too.

Get rid of the dragon tattoo on Yukio's back, it's been seen before in a million Van Damme, Segal movies etc. I'd recommend researching the Yakuza, customs etc for new perspectives on their character. Show me something I don't know and you'll make me a happy man!

As the main character Cindy should be making choices, dictating situations, rather than reacting to them with repetitive acts of violence.

Ultimately I didn't get to know the bad guys well enough, so I couldn't care less when they died. Try to think of some ingenious ways Cindy can kill people too, rather than resorting to the gun etc.

Solutions:

I know how frustrating advice can be, when there are no real examples or suggestions. So I've taken a few minutes to offer some ideas.

An unemployed author turns into a vicious woman, fighting for her life? Doesn't fit!
What if Cindy was a down on her luck Stripper or an Actress. Let's go with the Stripper as an example. That way you she could come into logical contact with the Japanese men in the strip club (sleaze is attracted to sleaze). They'd have a reason for noticing her too! She could also be abused/harassed by clients. In debt etc.

Buddy as I mentioned is introduced through coincidence. What if Buddy was some underage kid who groped her in a Strip Club! Then she spots him on the Train later, thinks he's following her, confronts him and finds out that they're both going to the same place.

If Cindy is to become this Japanese Man's plaything, then her being a stripper would make sense, having been degraded by men all her life -  she'd be fighting back with real emotion and anger!

If I were you I’d outline your screenplay as you have it now. Then go back and set things up, rework scenes, add scenes, characters etc. Then when you have to make amends to your screenplay it won’t be such a daunting task.

Keep up with this! From all the replies and feedback myself included, I really think you can make something of this Script. Keep writing, keep working on it! Don't be satisfied with mediocrity!

I noticed you had this script posted up in the script exchange thred and so decided to post a comment for a script exchange. While waiting for a response (still waiting) I decided to take a peek at your script and was instantly hooked after 5 pages and decided oh what the hell I'll keep reading.

This is a great script. the writing style is descriptive, visual and a pleasure to read.

It follow strictly to horror genre structure so I'm not sure about your decision to put it here in thriller section.

The introduction of Cindy and here normal life style is enjoyable and interesting. To many horror movies introduce bland, boring teenagers that make the first 30 minutes unbearable to sit threw and you just wish the killer would hurry and enter story and start killing. (Wolf Creek)

Hell, I remember one B-grade horror I watched where the card board characters that where introduced and the set up was so lame and boring that the director had the young female actors take their tops off and show their hooters to keep it interesting. Hmm. not cool

Anywho, back to your script, So once we are familiar with Cindy, the horror kicks in and this quickly turns into a torture porn flick. You have obviously tried to make this script as low budget friendly as possible but have you stopped to think how expensive it would be to do the F/X gore effects for the images you have in your script? It has graphical violence right down to the smallest of detail and like all the trends in horror serve no other purpose than too titilate the target audience.

But this kind of stuff is what's hot at the moment and what pulls in the big bucks. From a marketing point of view this script is gold and I would be very suprised if it can't find a suitable producer.

The scene where Cindy is being interviewed and cut to the morticians was fantastic. Visually cool.

What's the go with the morticians? They where so- well -numb. about as as animated as a plank of wood. Did not seem menacing and felt like they where as dangerous a threat to Cindy as say a maniquin in an apartment store.

The combat scene in the middle act was very descriptive but if this script was converted into screen time, the quick editing would make these scenes only last seconds, shortening the length of your script even more.

Speaken of the length of this script. I am a little bit confused. Is it meant to be a feature length movie? Or a glorified short film or trailer. I have noticed this trend in a lot of the scripts I have been reading here of late.  They have been 95 pages or less. This would make a script of rougly 80 to 75 minutes. Doesn't ayone here like crafting a story?    

Your script is like the higlights of a horror movie. Just a series of the best bits you would see. The story is very simple and thin. No real set up or build up. Just Bam! Bam! Straight to the intense horror moment  and straight into another one.

But that is not nescerrarily a bad thing and you make it work for this story because it's all about the violence. The bloodier the better. You have made that very clear. You know your targeted audience and you give em what they want.

All in all this is well crafted, written script. But with the thin story and torture porn, if it where made into a movie it would come, make millions, blend in with all the Saws, Hostels and just be another fad piece that will be forgotten in time.

I'd love to see you think outside the square and have a crack at an Evil Dead mind fuck kind of story. I'd love to see your style and version of that.

Sigh, why don't they make horrors like Evil Dead anymore?  

Thanks for the reads, guys.

Pia...

I'm convinced now that I need to do something about both the first and third acts. Perhaps the first doesn't go anywhere as you said. I think perhaps I can cut down on some subterfuge and replace it with some behind the scenes stuff at the funeral home or basically the whole organ harvesting plot.

Your comment about Cindy's lungs and the other patients makes sense. I figured McCain would simply stage false interviews to learn a little more about the victims' habits but perhaps that's not enough. Your comment about the Yakuza singling out Cindy is a fair one as well. I'm considering replacing the Yakuza with rogue doctors who already know everything about the victims going to the funeral home. That kills two birds with one stone and I think it would be much more sinister as well in addition to sticking to the organ plot rather than switching to human trafficking.

Toph...

I've mentioned above what I'm probably going to do with the first act. I somewhat agree with Miranda being a sounding board for Cindy but she's not without her own development and in any case, I think they have an interesting and occasionally amusing relationship. I think I can leave that the way it is while cutting down on the subterfuge. I'm also solving the problem about meeting Buddy on the train.

I do disagree about the whole stripper plotline however. Not only is it too much trouble to rewrite the script in its entirety with a whole new story but I think a stripper as a main character, while potentially interesting, is a bit of a hard sell. I also made a conscious effort to keep the novel subplot pertinent to the proceeding events and think it still stands.

Tonkatough...

I'll get back to you on the exchange. I have something else to read before your script but I'll definitely check it out.

Anyway, I considered the timing an issue at one point but I think a script in the 90-page range is in good shape and while some scenes would last mere seconds on screen, there are still others that would be even longer.

As for the morticians being bland, well, you're right. I intended it that way. There are some pretty developed villains in the story already. I figured it wouldn't hurt to have some creepy lifeless drones.

Thanks again, guys.

I can't understand why some writers here feel that the first act for this script dosen't work. I think it is fine and works perfectly. Part of the structure of the horror genre is to introduce "meat" that gets hacked up later on in the story and show them going about their normal lives. The purpose for this is to create a bond with the audience and the character so when the killing starts the audience react with . . . horror. If you don't have that connection then who cares if the character becomes a victim. Time and time again so many horror movies fail at this.

I think you have done a good job James and it really makes your character identifiable and likable. And it does go somewhere. Cindy wants to be a writer she fails she runs out of money has to find a job. I would hate to see the begining get cut. I say leave it and focus on the last act.

But it is your story and I am a minority on this. I just disagree with what others are saying (sorry)  

Quoted from tonkatough I can't understand why some writers here feel that the first act for this script dosen't work.

It's been a while since I read this but, IIRC, Cindy is introduced as an extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly person...way too extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly a person.  Even when she's terminated from her crappy job, she's like this.  No one can relate to someone so happy.

Add to fact that this extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly person cannot get a job at the Smoothie Shack because she's not the right material.  IMHO, this is exactly who  you want to work there.

Also, there was a lot of background information that wasn't needed.  Cut to the chase and start with the story, not everything leading up to it.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe It's been a while since I read this but, IIRC, Cindy is introduced as an extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly person...way too extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly a person.  Even when she's terminated from her crappy job, she's like this.  No one can relate to someone so happy. Add to fact that this extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly person cannot get a job at the Smoothie Shack because she's not the right material.  IMHO, this is exactly who  you want to work there. Also, there was a lot of background information that wasn't needed.  Cut to the chase and start with the story, not everything leading up to it. Phil

Hate to say it but I agree with phil opinion with opening act. It doesnt get flowing til page 30(for a thiller) But i will finish this today, on pg 71! and its very interesting.

Quoted from dogglebe It's been a while since I read this but, IIRC, Cindy is introduced as an extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly person...way too extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly a person.  Even when she's terminated from her crappy job, she's like this.  No one can relate to someone so happy. Add to fact that this extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly person cannot get a job at the Smoothie Shack because she's not the right material.  IMHO, this is exactly who  you want to work there. Also, there was a lot of background information that wasn't needed.  Cut to the chase and start with the story, not everything leading up to it. Phil

A rewrite's in the process. The first draft has already been taken care of. I agree. The previous draft was extremely slow. I've cut out a considerable amount of scenes. Initially, there were five scenes to indicate Cindy was running out of food. Now, there's just one and there's actually stuff going on in that scene. No more vigorous writing scenes. These were just some of the scenes I removed in the first act. I also added two "creepy scenes" to ensure the plot moves forward, one of them in the first ten pages so it's more producer-friendly.

I also agree about Cindy not being able to get a job at Smoothie Shack, especially with Miranda's help. The boss now hesitates to hire Cindy because of her zero experience in the service industry instead of her supposed lack of personality. After reading this post, I went back and rewrote the scene again to emphasize this even further. So, in short, the first act doesn't drag as much this time around. There are still some scenes in there that are entirely character development but I felt they were neccesary and couldn't have been done at any other point in the story. Nevertheless, everything I felt needlessly slowed things down, I removed.

I disagree however that Cindy is too happy to relate to. This is entirely subjective. Other people here seemed to like here. She's supposed to be a little weird, anyway, and even if she does come off as "too happy," the fact remains that everyone can relate to searching for a job. The fact is, Cindy has to face the same everyday problems as everyone else. IMO, that makes her very relateable.

Quoted from JD_OK I wasnt agreeing she was too happy, was agreeing with her personality should have gotten her the job and it moved slow,  as I had stated in my review post just so that you know. finishd review will be posted by 9cst today.

Relax, dude. You weren't the one who said she was too happy. Phil was. I disagree. Just figured I'd retort.

Nevertheless, he was right about most everything else as were the majority of the other readers.

Anyway, look forward to your review. I'll try to post mine within the next two days or so. I'm about halfway through the Unholy Cry.

Quoted from James McClung I also agree about Cindy not being able to get a job at Smoothie Shack, especially with Miranda's help. The boss now hesitates to hire Cindy because of her zero experience in the service industry instead of her supposed lack of personality.

Zero experience in the food industry?  James, she not making sushi; she's serving smoothies.  You don't need a degree to make these things.  The manager would be delighted if she would just stay on for more than a few months.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe Zero experience in the food industry?  James, she not making sushi; she's serving smoothies.  You don't need a degree to make these things.  The manager would be delighted if she would just stay on for more than a few months. Phil

True. Still, the fact that her resume consists of, among other things, working at a chemical plant and an animal hospital is likely to turn off the manager. I'm sure there're managers out there with such prejudices, no matter how unfounded. They have the image of their businesses to consider. I know there's a number of businesses out there, like Smoothie Shack, who want everything squeaky clean.

Otherwise, there's a number of reasons why Smoothie Shack wouldn't hire Cindy. I'm sure I could think of more. Personally, I'd rather not pick and choose draft after draft before finding the right one. Perhaps it'd be better just to omit the Miranda/manager scene and let the reader make up whatever reason why Cindy wasn't hired. A cop out perhaps, but the information really isn't that important. I just figured people would want to know why Cindy's friend couldn't get her a job.

Worst comes to worst, I'll just change the Smoothie Shack to a sushi bar .

Writing as i go...

pg 2, You need to end each scene with high note since yours is a thiller.
I would just cut cindy's sure to just throwing mop down, then next scene starts as cindy sits down. If those other description/visuals play a part
in pushing plot forward thenkeep them, if not cut...

period after go" on pg 4

You need to tighen you descriptions. They are over written.

Example.
"Cindy removes a glass from a cupboard, fill it with water from the sink and hands it to Miranda.

When you could simply Put
"Cindy retrieves water from the kitch and hands it to miranda"
Your writing is on point aswell, very few if any is,are or ING verbs so far.

Every scene must depend on another to push the story forward. Remove all scenes they does serve toward the push of the plot.

Remove all Cut to's.  INT/EXt alreadysuggest the cut

I like your dialog already. Coming off clean

by page 19 - it dragging, only becuz its labelled a thiller, maybe taking to long to hook me in from the intially death at the beginning.
This will be fixed when you cut back on the overly worded descriptions and scene removing.

pg 20. voice (o.s) - You should state who says this since you introduce them right after.

Should be able to finish later today. heading to bed now. It starting to pick up. Im at page 24.

on pg 26, Cindy friendlyness contradicts the tone set her meeting new people set by the manger and miranda "weird"
But this friendly chat, why Im not to believe she coulda got the job with miranda

pg 31, always have a brief description b4 dialog when entering new scene

I think you r going into too much detail in description, but doin this cuz the suspense to drag out instead of on going. Remember to say the most with least words possible

by page 40, this has the feel os hostel, which isnt a bad thing

so by page 50, you are describing well what is going on and I can pretty much see it.

pg 58" Yuk boss gets mad, people die" LOL, i like this line
pg 64, making eye conact and then brain explodes" nice I like your setup of almostout and then death

Something just hit me that doesnt ring true. Japn guy said" it will just lead back to McCain" But since he is dead..who killed him? The time factor here
is not right. they would have to clean everything up so not make it look like a struggle which involved more people to simply go ahead and remove his parts and stuff.
Without making this a rush for time, there is no since of urgencyfor things to come.

I dont think they girl would be making so much noise breakin a phonewhen people still around trying to kill her.

pg 66, they dont know that for sure since, she could have called b4 they cut the wire. And seriously, why am I to believe she didnt try to use the receptionists phone
like mccains office had the only phone in the entire building?

g77, no need to have no response, it is evident she doesnt reply by the next action as written.

I think it is liche that the dood getting in hot tub/sauna has he o'so many tattoos/dragon

by page 84, cindy has squeezed off a total of 14 bullets with a pistol and no reloading... i find this very odd and hard to believe she has become this proficeent killer.


I mean really y is she trying to kill everyone and not trying to get out of this place? I mean he one thing if she kills some1 on her way out, but this is moving like she is seeking anyone and everyone out.
by page 84 she has fired like 20 some odd bullets stil without reloading... yet ichiban's pistol goes empty rather too quick..

ichiban curses in japanese" this is telling us.... show us he curses

pg 89. this would be 1st missed spelled wrong I've good across. heals, should be "heels"

pg 89, damn this girl is running everywhere but out of the building...

this line on page 91 by ichiban comes off alil cheesey and too much, for what is happening

it just ends... where is the closure? Yea she changed but its hard for me to bite then goes on a killin rampage, and not once just trying to
get out of where she out. I felt extreme lack of story/dialogue after the funeral home, just alot of action.

You are good writer and presented it well. I read you plan onchanging 3d act, which I believe will serve better to complete this thiller. Good job

Thanks for the review, dude.

For the most part, it sounds like what I need to do is tighten things up. You also made some good points about Cindy's attempt to call the authorities. I have to admit I forgot about the phone at the receptionist desk... of course, they'll cut the line on that one as well. Cindy also wouldn't make such a racket in McCain's office. You're definitely right.

Perhaps, I should have mentioned the third act is already gone. Completely. As are the Yakuza. Nevertheless, I feel you've misinterpreted some things. Cindy is at no point a proficient killer. She is constantly misfiring, even at point blank range. She's able to perservere due to luck and surprise. Additionally, Cindy changes guns three times. She starts with Shigeo's pistol, switches to the first dead bodyguard, then takes a third from one in the recreation room. That's a lot of bullets.

Also, the dragon tattoo is not a cliche at all. Tattoos are a status symbol within the Yakuza. If Yukio weren't tattooed, he would not be a boss. He might not even be a Yakuza. Tattoos are fact, not style.

The abrupt ending, which will remain in the next draft, I've explained already.

Thanks again for the read. I'll certainly take your comments into consideration in the rewrite. Since some scenes are completely brand new, I'll be putting it aside for two weeks after it's been revised then give another once over.

I'll try to have a review for Unholy Cry posted tonight or tomorrow.

Oh, and while they're no longer part of Black Market, the Yakuza will be back. Oh, they'll be back. Just not in Cindy's world .

Quoted from James McClung Additionally, Cindy changes guns three times. She starts with Shigeo's pistol, switches to the first dead bodyguard, then takes a third from one in the recreation room. That's a lot of bullets.

Ah, Okay I might have missed her switching guns.

Quoted from James McClung Also, the dragon tattoo is not a cliche at all. Tattoos are a status symbol within the Yakuza. If Yukio weren't tattooed, he would not be a boss. He might not even be a Yakuza. Tattoos are fact, not style.

Gotcha, good then!

Quoted from James McClung The abrupt ending, which will remain in the next draft, I've explained already. Thanks again for the read. I'll certainly take your comments into consideration in the rewrite. Since some scenes are completely brand new, I'll be putting it aside for two weeks after it's been revised then give another once over.

K, let me know when and Ill try and read new draft

I'll try to have a review for Unholy Cry posted tonight or tomorrow.

Black Market is gruesome, bloody and brutal. The descriptions you used were so exact and I loved it.

SPOILERS-----------------------------------------------------

I really like reading your actions lines. In a lot of scripts it seems like the most boring part, but not in this one.

I don’t see any reason why not to get more exact with Cindy’s age. It may not seem like a big deal, but 29 year old peeps are a lot different from 20 year olds.

Cindy’s Boss’s monologue is long and boring to read. You should shorten it.

On page 4 is it necessary to show Cindy waiting in the train station and walking down the industrial street? What if she leaves the factory and then you show her walking down the apartment hallway.

I wouldn’t state Cindy is shown from the “shoulders up” taking a shower. That’s not your decision, it’s the directors. I guess you’re obviously trying to refrain from nudity, but once again I feel it’s an unneeded note.

I’m beginning to have mixed feelings about all of your descriptions. At first I thought it was a nice style thing, but after reading about Cindy eating her cereal - I dunno. I just don’t think a lot of them are needed and on-screen it could get mighty boring.

Around page 11, Cindy and Miranda’s conversation at the Smoothie bar doesn’t push the story forward at all.

Not trying to be a jerk here, but it’s always good to make your first few pages (normally first ten) of your script to be very interesting and yours isn’t. It’s redundant and a little boring. No one wants to read around 11-12 pages of Cindy writing her book and talking with Miranda.

On page 18, there’s a Dissolve to. I’m sure you’ve heard those are a little frowned upon, but they’re definitely ways around them. Just don’t show Cindy walk through the door with the applications. Just begin the scene with her finishing them. I read in a screenwriting book that you should begin each scene at the last possible moment.

How come on page 20 you decided to state the Japanese men names? Why not earlier?

FINALLY! On page 22 the story finally is eased forward a little bit. You need to speed that up some.

Too long of an exponential dump on page 30.

A lot of action descriptions and little talking – that can get boring for a reader. Some of the action line congested pages were somewhat interesting, but just imagine how good those pages would be with some kind of dialogue.

Loved the eye part with Buddy.

The scene where Cindy has the gun taken from her - I can’t quite put my finger on what I didn’t like about it. For some reason I just thought that scene was really fake.

This Shiego character is really freaky. I think more characters like him are needed. He’s really different from all the others.

The butt of the pistol to crotch really got me squirming.

I thought the ending was really cool. The last fight scene with Ichiban and Cindy was very entertaining to read and visualize.

Overall:
Okay this was a great read, but there are some problems. First off you really need to re-write the beginning. It’s fairly boring and very redundant. Miranda’s character isn’t even shown again after Cindy’s kidnapped. What if you found a way to work her back into the script again?

It was fun how descriptive you got with the action lines, but you shouldn’t over do it. Especially in the beginning. In the beginning it felt like you were trying to add to much filler.

Then ending was good with Ichiban, but I can’t imagine the movie ending the way you have it. I think it’s a little too abrupt. She shuts the door the car, then fade to black?

Overall nice work.

Good Luck.

Hey TAnthony,

Thanks for the review. I completely agree with you about the first act. There's a whole bunch of stuff that doesn't need to be there. It's gone already. I appreciate your comments, nevertheless. I'll take a look back at the boss' monologue and see what I can do. I'm still going to give this one more look before posting the rewrite.

I'm glad you brought up Miranda's character. I think one or two people brought her up regarding the same issue as well. Her role does need to be expanded, doesn't it. I've brought her back in the rewrite though in a way people might not expect. Nevertheless, her role has considerably more relevance.

Glad you liked the Shigeo character. He was supposed to get under people's skin. Either that or make people hate his guts. I wanted him to be a really sick bastard and he is. Unfortunately, Shigeo and the Yakuza are gone. Perhaps he might pop up in a later work in one form or another.

Thanks again for the review.