Quoted from James McClung Last time I checked, Cindy isn't even in her apartment when the delivery man arrives. She's returning from her job and runs into him.

I was referring to this part...

INT. CINDY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Cindy types away at her computer in an impassioned, almost
possessed, manner. A knock at the door. Cindy ceases and
answers the door.

CUT TO:

Miranda sits at the table as Cindy fries two grilled cheese
sandwiches at the stove. Cindy lifts one off the pan with a
spatula and drops it onto a plat in front of Miranda.

MIRANDA
Tomatoes?

CINDY
Fresh out.

You just go from having her open the door to making grilled cheese, but you need to have the delivery guy mentioned, and/or have her say hi to him and sign for her stuff.

Quoted from James McClung I made an attempt to keep McCain's intentions subtle but clear enough for the reader/viewer to put the pieces together. I obviously didn't do a good job. Anyway, in case you missed this as well, the plastic cup contains the contents of the "sample" Knox refers to. It's actually donor sperm, which McCain uses to try and artificially inseminate Cindy. I wanted McCain's plot to be more disturbing on a psychological level but as soon as you describe him filling a dropper full of semen, this becomes Pink Flamingoes. I didn't want that but I guess I need to make note of it one way or another. As for Cindy dying after the harvesting, I imagined McCain intended to harvest only a kidney or so and some bone marrow to keep Knox happy but still have Cindy pull through in the end... or something to that effect. I'll make note of that as well.

I don't quite buy this If the donor sperm is not his own, because then the kid would not be from himself. It would be some other dude and Cindy, and if he's gonna do that, he may as well just steal a baby and save himself a lot of trouble. I think to make this work you would have to have his sperm good, but his wife was barren.

Quoted from James McClung After he gets shocked the second time, McCain is basically mentally retarded. I didn't think Cindy was heartless enough to kill him off in such a direct way after that so I went with the head crushing. I'm satisfied with it. Besides, I don't think the defribulator paddle would "fry" his head as you say. I went with internal bleeding instead. More painful .

Fair enough. I just thought that woulda been more hard core of Cindy.

Quoted from James McClung I could always have Knox crawl out of the utility room and die in the hallway. That'd fix things, wouldn't it?

Whatever, just as long as Cindy knows that there's no risk in the building. I mean, would you go back in knowing you might be captured and harvested again? I think you'd just wanna get as far away from that place as possible.

Quoted from James McClung I don't know what more I can do for Cindy. I gave her a backstory, a personality, and a reason to care for her. And the plot did mirror her emotional struggles. Cindy starts out as someone who cares little about money then finds herself in an environment where money is the bottom line and ends up being corrupted by it. You, yourself, said you could relate to her and wanted to see her make it out. I've done my job then, haven't I? I'd like to think so.

Yeah, it's hard to explain, like I said I can't quite put my finger on the problem, but it's like I like Cindy and all, as in I don't wanna see her die, but there's not much else going for her. Sure we know she's a nice person and all that, but what we know about her is more factual. We know she's writing a book, and needs a job, but doesn't like to work, but we don't really know much else about her inside. I mean, sure it works, and we can all relate to looking for a job and all, but I think you could delve deeper into the character. As it is, it's sorta like just the bare minimum of what we NEED to know about her, but I would LIKE to know more about her. I hope I'm making sense. Like I said, that may just be personal though. and I did realize that the conflict did mirror her struggles a bit, but I don't really consider realizing the value of money a true  virtue to learn, unless you're Donald Trump, so I'd just like the battle to be more emotional is all.

But I did like this, but just think it could be better. Cuz you do write very well, I think you could polish it up a lot more.

Quoted from Steve-Dave I was referring to this part... INT. CINDY�S APARTMENT � NIGHT Cindy types away at her computer in an impassioned, almost possessed, manner. A knock at the door. Cindy ceases and answers the door. CUT TO: Miranda sits at the table as Cindy fries two grilled cheese sandwiches at the stove. Cindy lifts one off the pan with a spatula and drops it onto a plat in front of Miranda. MIRANDA Tomatoes? CINDY Fresh out. You just go from having her open the door to making grilled cheese, but you need to have the delivery guy mentioned, and/or have her say hi to him and sign for her stuff.

Gotcha. I guess there isn't any significance to Cindy answering the door then. It's Miranda on the other side, not the delivery man BTW.

Quoted from Steve-Dave I don't quite buy this If the donor sperm is not his own, because then the kid would not be from himself. It would be some other dude and Cindy, and if he's gonna do that, he may as well just steal a baby and save himself a lot of trouble. I think to make this work you would have to have his sperm good, but his wife was barren.

Basically, the whole reason donor sperm exists is because of infertility therefore this probably happens a lot. Sure, the idea of having a kid you didn't help produce sucks for some people but if you're shooting blanks, it's better than no kid at all. I doubt McCain cares. Additionally, McCain wants a wife as well as a kid. Why would he go through the trouble of stealing a baby (probably not an easy thing to do) and only get half the package when Cindy walks right into his funeral home? Even though McCain's plan can't and doesn't work out the way he wants it to, it certainly makes sense from his standpoint.

Quoted from Steve-Dave Yeah, it's hard to explain, like I said I can't quite put my finger on the problem, but it's like I like Cindy and all, as in I don't wanna see her die, but there's not much else going for her. Sure we know she's a nice person and all that, but what we know about her is more factual. We know she's writing a book, and needs a job, but doesn't like to work, but we don't really know much else about her inside. I mean, sure it works, and we can all relate to looking for a job and all, but I think you could delve deeper into the character. As it is, it's sorta like just the bare minimum of what we NEED to know about her, but I would LIKE to know more about her. I hope I'm making sense. Like I said, that may just be personal though. and I did realize that the conflict did mirror her struggles a bit, but I don't really consider realizing the value of money a true  virtue to learn, unless you're Donald Trump, so I'd just like the battle to be more emotional is all.

You weren't the only one who seemed to feel this way. I care a lot about my characters. I'll consider developing Cindy's further. And for the record, Cindy "realizing the value of money" isn't meant to be a virtue at all. She is actually worse of a person when she comes out of the funeral home, which is what I intended.

Quoted from James McClung You weren't the only one who seemed to feel this way. I care a lot about my characters. I'll consider developing Cindy's further. And for the record, Cindy "realizing the value of money" isn't meant to be a virtue at all. She is actually worse of a person when she comes out of the funeral home, which is what I intended.

This connection you keep referring too doesnt do it. Who in their right mind WOULD NOT take a suitcase full of money from some bad guys they tried to hurt, if she needed it or not.

Plus since its ends abruptly, we get no real closure of how this experience really changed her. Story needs resolution for her character.

I feel left out of the question /Answer of the new version!

Quoted from JD_OK This connection you keep referring too doesnt do it. Who in their right mind WOULD NOT take a suitcase full of money from some bad guys they tried to hurt, if she needed it or not. Plus since its ends abruptly, we get no real closure of how this experience really changed her. Story needs resolution for her character. I feel left out of the question /Answer of the new version!

Cindy turns around to take the money when at the beginning of the script, she regards it as next to nothing. Then there's the dream sequences. I can't imagine what else I could do to illustrate her character arc.

Also, I like to end scripts abruptly. I've never felt the need to show how characters behave upon returning to their "normal" lives when it's already apparent they've changed. I mean, what else is there to say? When it's over, it's over.

Yes, but is a development  for  lust money makes us care more about Cindy? That would work for a bad guy.. not for our hero

Quoted from JD_OK Yes, but is a development  for  lust money makes us care more about Cindy? That would work for a bad guy.. not for our hero

It's not supposed to. This isn't a happy ending by any means. I just wanted to see Cindy's character degenerate rather than evolve. It's sometimes much more interesting that way. It's not always neccesary to go with the Hollywood ending. Personally, I don't like to take that route. Then again, this has happened in plenty of Hollywood films. How about the Godfather? Is Al Pacino's character likeable in the end? Not really. This is just one of many examples.

Black Market Review

Hi James,
I have written this as I go along so I hope it helps or atleast gives you another person's view.

The opening is nice and crispy - literally. The burning segment is written well,
Great start. Warms things up.

CINDY's BOSS - The dialouge he says when he speaks to Cindy could be trimmed? Nothing wrong with how it is written but he says a lot in one mouthful. I think if he just said the last few lines it would be effective enough. I think you can trim this down a little.

CINDY's reaction was quite funny and unexpected. She seems to have other plans. I see your point in making her freedom known with the description you give as she leaves the site ; goodbye old world , hello me kind of thing.

Well, CINDY does seem the nut job type with her conversation with MIRANDA alone, but we shall see. I agree with a lot she said, but was she looking at the monitor screen the whole time? Its only a small nit pick, but perhaps if she turned around to face MIRANDA it might come across a little better. As it is, its fine. But why MIRANDA would tolerate such a cold hearted response to coming round after doing her a favour is something you could look at. Nothing major though, just trying to find something where you could possibly make it better.

As we go a little further, CINDY just seems annoying to me. MIRANDA is the character I am liking the most out of the two simply because she can tolerate this person without giving her a big slap round the face.
OK, I take that back now she's at the smoothie bar acting a little more normal and being kind of appreciative. Thank God you put this scene in because I was not liking her character at all.

Well at least CINDY is trying to get a job. Kind of strange how she acted before, and then had this sudden urge to become employed again. I thought she was happy with her severance pay and all? Anyhow, its good that she's trying to get back in to the system so to speak and it gives her character a much needed boost in the likliness stakes in my opinion.

At McCain's Funeral Home, I like the small but effective use of just using the character's shadows.

OK, Im liking CINDY a bit more now, some nice easy dialouge with MIRANDA and things seem to be kicking along now she has the invitation of a job at the funeral home.

I can believe that BUDDY may well be going to McCains funeral home as well as CINDY, similar interview times are pretty normal. But his age is only 14, Im sure you have checked but depending on his job, Im not sure if its even legal for under 18 to work in a place like that. Not sure why I think that - I'll have to check it out to be sure.
BUDDY asking "if we can be friends" is OK and all, but sounds a little childish. He seems pretty mature for his age up to that point and asking that - I dont know - just seemed a little out of place and childish. Apart from that, the rest of the dialouge is fine.

The creepy little wave from the mortician is a nice little touch. Small things like that would look great visually, simple and creepy.

I didnt expect CINDY to be grabbed during the interview - nice timing!

P27-28: Great descriptions, excellently written.

Well, we have made a massive jump in pace at this point - the first 18 pages or so were well written but maybe some of the MIRANDA and CINDY dialouge could have been limited. I didnt really have a problem with it, might just be nitpicking, as you have to have some character development. But things are definitly on the go now.

The following with CINDY and the mortician was again, really well written and described. The scene was perfect, both in pace and description.

I liked the whole BUDDY situation, I was almost sure he was going to get his eye plucked out at one point which would have surprised me. The following scene involving him, CINDY and the other mortician is long but strong, really well written again and with a gory finish at the end of the scene.

Another great scene inside the morgue; very suspenful and nicely written. A complete change from the pace of the first 18 pages  - which is expected of course but it is like a different movie/script all of a sudden.

P49 - Why does CINDY let the receptionist go? I would assume that they would be in with it.

P56- I think you mean slits his throat - but wow I didnt expect Buddy to bite the dust. There might be a problem with such a murder of a 14 year old kid, but for the story it is fine. Certainly dosnt bother me.
You have me really into this story at the moment, it's unrelenting and easy to continue reading. Great stuff.

Just a thought - and Im going to have to back and check this - but Robert Knox could have been seen on TV when CINDY was sitting back at her place when she was writing her book or chatting with MIRANDA.  Just a casual thing, an advertizement or an interview of some kind. Nothing in depth but before this, I dont think that KNOX is known to us as a television personality at all. There is loads of space and time in the first 18 pages to make the most of this.Of course, that might give the game away a little early but its just a thought.

You really threw me off point for a moment there with the unconcoius/dream sequence. That was great. Again really good stuff and I cant fault you for a thing.

With McCain still being alive - I dont know, seems a little far fetched. I guess it happened in the first Saw movie to Danny Glover's character, and Im not an expert on slit throats but I would have presumed that its a pretty serious injury. Still, I'm willing to buy it as everything else has been really good thus far.

P71- Did Knox really need to go all the way back to the amublance to treat his injury? Surely there must have been similar medical care where they were.

McCain's revelation is really quite surprising and you have taken another twist and turn with this completly. I really dont like it - but it does work and makes sense of his behaviour before with the photos. However, it takes the story to an extreme I dont think it needs to go.  

I got done again with the dream sequence - for a moment I thought you had lost the plot. I think it works fine for a second time.

McCain is one tough cookie, I will say that. Maybe things have got a little over the top in this last act.

And onto the end which, yeah, it works, albeit seemingly a lot more over the top then I had expected when I was in the middle of the script.

Overall, very enjoyable if not a little dissapointed with the abrupt ending.I actually dont mind quick endings, I use them a lot myself, but it seemed very quick to finish after all the excellent writing you had previously seemed to take time on. Having said that, II have to say you sure seem to know your medical equipment so a big well done for a lot of research into it. The best scenes for me were when Cindy is just trying to get Buddy back - the whole pursuit was well written and pretty relentless. The characters, I actually liked Knox for some reason. McCain's resurection was a surprise to me although not entirely impossible, it kind of made me think "What the hell?". Cindy seemed different from the opening 18 pages to how she was in the rest of the script - although you cant really compare looking for a job to trying to escape some crazy psycopaths in a funeral home.

I liked it - some excellent writing and descriptions that were used at a good pace. The 2nd act is by far my favourite, if anything needed a little redo it might be the final act and McCain's revelation.

Good stuff though, enjoyable read.

Hey Scoob. Thanks for the review.

I found your comments to be very helpful, especially those regarding Cindy's character. Cindy's a strange bird and obviously takes some warming up to with some people but I never thought of her as cold hearted. Not sure how I feel about this. I'll skim over her dialogue again with your comments in mind. If you've picked up on something others haven't, I'll try to do something to make her come off as more appreciative. Buddy, on the other hand, isn't meant to be mature for his age but rather simply maturing. I thought that particular line worked as he's also meant to be a little shy. Also, Buddy's age in regards to working at the funeral home is completely inconsequential as the job interview is really a trap. I doubt they would hire him otherwise so I think your comment is well founded.

McCain's death is something else I should probably change as well. I actually didn't think it was that farfetched but then again, the only two factors I had to base that assumption on were Danny Glover's character in Saw and a real life occurrence in which someone survived such an injury. It is possible for someone to survive a throat slash however now that you mention it, it is a little hard to swallow (no pun intended ) that an injury delivered by a blade designed specifically to cut flesh is not fatal. I'll probably rewrite the scene with McCain being stabbed in the chest or something, if only to omit the Saw similarity.

Thanks again for the review. This weekend was busy and today wasn't much different so I haven't had a chance to read Malevolent II just yet. I'll start reading it tomorrow and have a review up ASAP.

No problem James, Im glad my review might have been of some use and thanks for the review on Malevolent II.

I dont think the Buddy thing is really a big deal and it probably is fine as it is.
I just watched Hostel tonight for the first time - I wasnt really keen on seeing it which is why it has taken me 2 years to finally get it over with - and I can see a similarity between that and Black Market.
I have to say you have written a much better story and have made it a lot more entertaining then I was with Hostel.

All the best with any future works or rewrites on this one, and I'll be sure to keep watching for any new developments.

The really great, stand out thing about "Black Market" is the attention to all the little details and making all of them sound equally important.  This script was not rushed onto paper, by any means.  

All the surgical tools, sharp scalpels and instruments, all the dark basements and corriders, surgical jargon, embalming equipment, etc. all felt real and profoundly disturbing.  I could actually hear the squishing of organs and knives slicing through flesh.  

Really, really, really fast paced throughout, starting on page 25 or so.  We really didn't get to see much backstory or introduction of the villains early on, which makes the first funeral home scene with Cindy and Buddy seem like it's coming straight out of left field.  What is happening here?  It was shocking, but seemed a bit rushed to me.  

I'd rather see more of a slow build up, making the shocking parts more of a payoff.  And what about Cindy's writing career?  This seemed like a big part of the story early on, but sort of faded away, along with the plot.  

I would have appreciated the shocking nature of this scene a bit more if Cindy escaped early on, then came back later on in the story.  But she stayed there until the end.  Just lots of running and chasing type stuff.  (See Texas Chainsaw 2 where Dennis Hopper goes underground to find the family.  The whole second half of the movie was underground, exploring the caves where the Sawyer family's set up camp.)  This was a cop out and bull$#%&!  See what I'm saying?  

The theme with a lot of horror films is to jump right into the terror and not worry so much about building all of the characters.  There is a story here, illegal organ dealing, which would have been very interesting if you'd explored this area with more detail.  Not that there's not LOTS OF DETAIL in this script, because it's rich in detail.  But not on the specifics of black market organ dealings.  

Who are they selling to?  How is it getting done, etc.  

This is what I thought you were going to do, based on the title...BLACK MARKET.

Knox's dialogue was the best in the script, but Cindy's rants about writing the ultimate monster novel seemed pretty silly.  McCain had some good lines, especially telling Cindy about the history of the funeral home.  I thought he had a creepiness to him.  

Pages 25 to 90 is basically Cindy doing all kinds of cool escape stuff and spying on McCain and Knox.  That's cool, but to an extent.  Let's introduce some other story elements, something new.  We know these two guys are really bad people early on.  We get that.  Introduce some more story, not simply reiterate how evil they are, over and over again, showing them cutting into people and saying evil speeches.  

I was hoping McCain would kill Knox, and he did.  This was good.  But then, McCain came out with this whole backstory about not being able to have kids.  This was fairly stupid and pretty much ended it for me.  There's lots of ways to have children and get a family.  This is hardly the best way.  It didn't feel like it followed the rest of the script.  

The climax in the ambulance seemed like you were running out of steam and didn't know how to end this thing.      

What you've done here is written a feature made up primarily of action, not too much dialogue.  I don't think I could do that as well as you have.  The action is EXCELLENT.  But dialogue isn't the enemy as some young script instructors might make you think.  There's also such a thing as too little dialogue.  

In BLACK MARKET I got really tired of reading one description after the next.  I wanted more story.

Also, watch out for those nay sayers who will compare this with HOSTEL.

Eric D.  

  

        

Hey Eric,

I agree with you I really piled on the action in this one. Not a lot of dialogue at all, which is something of a departure for me actually. I enjoy writing dialogue and probably have a lot more in my horror scripts than usual. I thought I had a strong story here though with a fair share of twists and turns and laid out the black market foundations rather nicely. The organs are sold to Knox who basically runs Burke and Hare hospital. No one knows where the organs are coming from except him and those in his inner circle. I explained McCain's involvement quite thoroughly as well IMO. I don't know where else I could go with all of that. If Cindy escaped, I can't imagine Knox or McCain would go after her so I think it's neccesary the story stays in the funeral home. I enjoy a build very much but I don't think I could do much more in terms of creating one. I usually have problems with taking too long to get to the action. This script was no exception and I really made an effort with this draft to get to the action quickly. The draft before this had a very, very slow first act and I'd rather not undo all the work I've done to change that and go in the opposite direction. I see where you're coming from completely and I agree that a strong build is the way to go but in the case of Black Market, I'd be flipflopping to slow the script down.

I agree with you about the ending with McCain and Cindy. McCain's whole plan seems to have come out vague and half-baked. You're not the only one who thought it was silly. From the moment Cindy wakes up, everything pans out very quickly. I think I might be able to slow things down some. You're right. I did struggle to find an ending for this thing. The original ending was a complete and utter mess and I had to rewrite it completely from scratch. This is what I came up with. Your advice in regards to this section of the script has been very helpful and I'll definitely take it into consideration in writing the next draft. Hopefully, a final draft. I find it ironic that this script being the one I planned out the most ended up being the one to cause me the most grief. It's been almost half a year since I wrote this and I've done little else screenwriting-wise since then. I'm ready to move on.

Thanks for the review. I really appreciate it.

Quoted from James McClung Hey Eric, I agree with you I really piled on the action in this one. Not a lot of dialogue at all, which is something of a departure for me actually. I enjoy writing dialogue and probably have a lot more in my horror scripts than usual. I thought I had a strong story here though with a fair share of twists and turns and laid out the black market foundations rather nicely. The organs are sold to Knox who basically runs Burke and Hare hospital. No one knows where the organs are coming from except him and those in his inner circle. I explained McCain's involvement quite thoroughly as well IMO. I don't know where else I could go with all of that. If Cindy escaped, I can't imagine Knox or McCain would go after her so I think it's neccesary the story stays in the funeral home. I enjoy a build very much but I don't think I could do much more in terms of creating one. I usually have problems with taking too long to get to the action. This script was no exception and I really made an effort with this draft to get to the action quickly. The draft before this had a very, very slow first act and I'd rather not undo all the work I've done to change that and go in the opposite direction. I see where you're coming from completely and I agree that a strong build is the way to go but in the case of Black Market, I'd be flipflopping to slow the script down. I agree with you about the ending with McCain and Cindy. McCain's whole plan seems to have come out vague and half-baked. You're not the only one who thought it was silly. From the moment Cindy wakes up, everything pans out very quickly. I think I might be able to slow things down some. You're right. I did struggle to find an ending for this thing. The original ending was a complete and utter mess and I had to rewrite it completely from scratch. This is what I came up with. Your advice in regards to this section of the script has been very helpful and I'll definitely take it into consideration in writing the next draft. Hopefully, a final draft. I find it ironic that this script being the one I planned out the most ended up being the one to cause me the most grief. It's been almost half a year since I wrote this and I've done little else screenwriting-wise since then. I'm ready to move on. Thanks for the review. I really appreciate it.

You're welcome.  Talk to you later.

I've just submitted a new draft of the script that omits most, if not all, of the problems you guys have mentioned. Namely, the much debated issue of Cindy not working at the Smoothie Shack (something I fixed with only two lines as opposed to the needless scene with Miranda's boss which is now gone) and the equally debated issue of Cindy's missed attempts to call the police or find another escape route. Hopefully this should clear up the logistics issues.

After nearly seven months of stressing over this much conflicted project, I think I've finally got it in a condition I'm satisfied with and am ready to move on. I'm aiming to have my sixth script completed by the end of the semester. I just have some loose ends to tie up before I start writing it. It's going to be my first feature length script of the non-horror persuasion. But enough plugging. With that said, I'm putting Black Market aside for now but I will return to it, probably sometime next year. I figure at some point, I need to go back to all the scripts I've written and apply to them the knowledge I've gained since I wrote them while I can still keep track of them all.

Thanks again for the feedback, guys. You've helped a lot. I really appreciate it.

Hey,
The logline stood out right away.  Everything was well written, but the 2nd act left me kind of disappointed...it seemed to fall into the category of being the same standard thriller that starts out strong, but then over stays its welcome. Pictured Cindy as Sarah Michelle Gellar or Ashley Judd, but think it would only work with someone much darker than either of them.
Even if this storyline doesn't play out all, the idea alone would be worth revisiting down the road with different characters. Still really well done with so much room for potential. it was one of the only stories on the site that grabbed my attention immediately and had me picturing this played out as an actual studio movie.

Hey n7. Thanks for the read.

I can see where you're coming from in saying that the storyline overstays its welcome. I tried to keep things interesting but the way I conceived and wrote the funeral home was as a really small and cramped location with not a lot of places to go, as a real funeral home probably would be. That sort of impedes the threshold for twists and turns so I had to figure out other ways to keep things interesting. I'm not sure if you felt the same way but that's certainly something I struggled with. I wouldn't call the storyline a failure by any means but, again, I can understand how it might drag in some places. And for the record, if it were up to me, I would cast an unknown for Cindy. I'm not a big fan, to say the least, of this trend of casting WB stars for horror movies and I feel big stars would be seen as, well, big stars throughout the story and not as the characters they're portraying. Cindy's a strange bird, which I think calls for a different kind of leading lady. Nevertheless, it's cool you're able to picture this playing out onscreen.

Thanks again for the read.