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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Black Market Moderators: bert
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  Author    Black Market  (currently 11698 views)
Heretic
Posted: April 19th, 2007, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Here at long last is my full review.  I'm really sorry this took so long.

I'm going to start this off by being a jerk...does she have to be named Cindy Hutchins?  It just seems...goofy, almost.  Poor little blonde girl next door nose in book little bit shy Cindy Hutchins.  Or maybe I'm in a weird mood today.  Haha.

And we're off!

Page 1:  You like these sort of openings a lot, don't you.  I do too.  Personally, I wouldn't have minded a little more description here...a few more shots.  To me, about two more cuts would've established the mood better.
Ahh, it's like Striptease!

Page 2: INT. CATWALK and INT. PLANT HALLWAY - Are these guys necessary?  I would've said one slug for them walking through the factory would be enough...and I wouldn't drag the description out this long either.

Page 3: I think the boss' speech is a little blunt here, and then a little long.  I like that he's sort of beating around the bush at the beginning but after that point I think it's fine for him to just say it and let her respond.

Page 7: Very minor thought here.  Cindy tells Miranda to "come on in".  It'd be a nice little solidifier to their relationship if Miranda just walked in, no need to ask.  Maybe.

Page 8: A bit too much talky-talk on the same subject for my taste.  We get Cindy's viewpoint pretty quickly I think.

Page 9: "Like a Cthulhu versus the Kraken type of thing?" wins the best line of Tic's '07 reading award.
This seems like an awkward line to end the scene on to me.  She just reveals her book's plot and then we cut?
Cindy smokes? GROSS! YUCK! I don't like it one bit.

Page 12: Little thought here...it'd be kinda funny if after Cindy said "When that happens, I'll let you know," and Miranda responded by charging her $4.50 for the smoothie.  Even if she said "just kidding" or whatever.

Page 14: In my opinion, this Miranda-Cindy scene is totally removeable.  It doesn't establish much that the montage before doesn't.

Page 22: If what I think is gonna happen is gonna happen, I don't know if you really need the Japanese men to be so creepy.  Personally I think it'd be better if they were described as less imposing looking and more friendly.  I think the writing is spot on, by the way, conversation's perfect, just the way they look is a little more than it needs to be in my opinion.

Page 26: Just fantastic writing on this page.  Had to comment.

I'm stopping at page thirty.  My impression so far?  I'm not bothered by the long intro that seemed drawn out to other people (judging by my skimming of the comments above).  I would like to see a little more out of Cindy in these first thirty pages...see her in more situations, interacting with a few different people.  As to the actual length of this section, I'm fine with it.  I would personally consider it a more classical style of storytelling.  To me, as I stated, where it gets a little wearing is that Cindy doesn't have much of a variety of things to do through these pages.  I would like to see her maybe, hmm, talk with her mother?  Meet a guy?  Just thoughts.

Page 33: The moment where the man wakes up and they look at each other is so good I would've liked to see it drawn out a second longer.

Page 34: As for the rest of it, meh.  Violence doesn't really bother me, so this got a little boring.  I'd cut the description down a little, personally.

Page 39: Eh, you know what?  I don't really have that much character sympathy as far as Cindy is concerned.  She's cute and fun but that's about it.  I think we need a deeper connection with her at this point.  Back to what I said about seeing her in more varied situations.  Personally, the more explicit the gore gets, the more I need to care about the character, or I just lose interest and just laugh at the gory stuff.

Page 40: You know an odd little pet peeve I have here?  We haven't once heard Cindy scream or yell or whimper or anything.  This stuff just seems a little matter-of-fact, somehow.  Don't know if anyone else gets that.

Page 43: Love that she swipes too late and misses.  Awesome.

I seem to have lost my comments for the rest of the script, but they weren't that important anyway.

Personally, although I greatly enjoyed individual scenes, I didn't enjoy this a ton as a whole.  The second half, the horror, felt a bit repetitive to me.  I think you've written yourself into a corner a bit with the location -- same thing I did with Marigold haha.  There's only so much that can be done to keep this interesting in such a small space.  Personally, I'd like to see a finale somewhere else.  Maybe Knox takes Cindy and McCain somewhere else after he knocks Cindy out?  To his massive underground mad scientist laboratory?  Haha.

I thought Buddy's death was a bit of a non-event.  It was surprisingly placed, but it just seemed to come and go without having much effect on the story.  I would've liked to see some kind of bigger reaction for Cindy...even if it is just to show that she's become a "monster" or cold herself.  This seems like a missed opportunity.

I also felt a bit claustrophobic, not in terms of setting, but in terms of character.  The character and horror sections of the script being so completely seperated were probably part of the reason that I got bored.  I would've liked to see some quiet character moments interspersed with the horror.  I think this would increase the perceived variety of the script and lessen the problem of the huge chunk of horror.  It could also build up Buddy, which would be cool in reference to my last statements about his death.

I love the Pink Flamingos-esque attempted injection.  Just gotta say that.

Personally, I wasn't digging the dream sequences.  I understand (I think) that they're a good way to contribute to the theme of her mental breakdown and/or change, but to me they kinda seemed like a contrived way to get a few more varied scares out of the script.  They did provide different action/horror sequences, which is good, but not in the way I would've liked.

All in all, mostly, I would've liked to see more variety, in both characters and plot.  I say get 'em out of the funeral home at some point, and definitely still agree with what I said initially about the opening thirty pages being repetitive in their own right as well.

Looking back, a lot of what I've said is negative.  Let me say this.  Your action sequences, even if there are too many, are fantastically written and uniquely designed, I'd just like there not to be so many of them in so short a time.  The characters are equally good, I'd just like to see them in more situations.  I think there's a lot of potential here, the whole package just isn't working for me right now.

Good work James, always a pleasure to read your scripts.
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James McClung
Posted: April 19th, 2007, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris,

Thanks for coming back to check this out.


Quoted from Heretic
I think you've written yourself into a corner a bit with the location -- same thing I did with Marigold haha.


That, right there, just about sums up my biggest problem with this script. I think it ties into the problems with both the characters and horror overload. Not a whole lot you can do with a place designed for dead people, I guess. Still, it's better than the original draft, which ended in Japan, of all places, with Cindy facing off against Yakuza gangsters. Some people thought that was a little too whacky so that part of the story is history (better the Yakuza have their own story anyway ). That left off a void in the script that was very difficult to fill. This is what I came up with in the end. I think you might be right though. I'd probably be better off ending this story somewhere else. Unfortunately, Knox definitely doesn't have a "massive underground mad scientist laboratory" but there is Burke and Hare hospital (I'm surprised nobody's got the joke yet). It might be interesting to drop these characters in a public setting where it's harder for the bad guys to get away with what they're doing. I'll give it some thought. I've got time. If I choose to move the finale somewhere else, it's going to be a while before I actually get around to rewriting it.

BTW I'm glad you liked the Pink Flamingoes bit. It didn't seem to go over too well with the other readers. You seem to be the only one who got it. Thanks for that and thanks again for the review.


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screenplay_novice
Posted: September 1st, 2008, 2:09am Report to Moderator
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The script read very fast because it had great flow, which is an aspect that I really enjoy. I was able to read it in one sitting. At one point in the script, Cindy makes it out to the ambulance and she has a scalpel to Dr. Knox's throat. The previous scene she used a pen to dispatch one of the assisants and then she suddenly has a scalpel. I may have missed something somewhere, But I don't recall her retrieving a scalpel from inside or taking one from the ambulance.

This is minor of course and can be corrected. The only complaint I have is the sudden, abrupt ending. After going through what she did, I can't conceive of her entering the Funeral Home to wash up and spirit away with the money. The whole dialogue sequence with her and Miranda in the where she tells her that she really doesn't need the money at that point kind of makes her super hipocritical.

I don't feel that tempting her with wealth was pertinent to the story. Seemed that it detracted from your original idea, which was simply that she was taken under false pretenses to be used as an unwilling serrogate mother to father a child by a deranged doctor who just happened to be in the business of assisting another equally deranged doctor is the illegal harvesting of human organs.

I don't think the script is bad, obviously you put a lot of thought into it and you did some research to help move the story along. However, the story seemed stretched, like you had taken a 60 minute teleplay and just added a bunch of filler to extend it into a feature. Though the script read quickly, it seemed a bit compacted.

Again, not bad. Hope this helps you with future writing projects.


If you can't beat 'em, then get yourself a bigger stick!
John Mavity
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James McClung
Posted: September 1st, 2008, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Jerry. Yeah, there's probably a few continuity errors between this one and the last few drafts, as this script, out of all my others, has undergone the most drastic rewrites. With that said, I don't think it's a very successful script, looking back. Considering how different the present version is to the original treatment, I'd say it's my least successful, as so many things I planned didn't work out.

I've written a treatment for a sister piece to this script, which I think is much improved. If I never come back to this one, the new "medical horror" script, should take it's place, as far as I'm concerned. The treatment isn't nearly as gory as Black Market however and I still enjoy some of the script's elements. I may come back to it someday but certainly not any time soon. At present, I'm still quite unhappy with it and not really sure what to do with it.


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screenplay_novice
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 1:52am Report to Moderator
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Hey James,

I don't think you should disregard this script. I'm in the middle of rewriting several myself and I have to stop periodically and take a breather. One of the scripts I completed a new outline, keeping the scenes that worked well, and the removed the ones that didn't and outlined newer scenes in their place. The story isn't drastically different, but it was necessary to do that.

I would suggest doing that. Keeping what worked and rehashing what didn't. You're not a bad writer and you obviously have a lot of imagination left. Don't give up on this one.

Jerry


If you can't beat 'em, then get yourself a bigger stick!
John Mavity
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Murphy
Posted: January 10th, 2009, 11:46pm Report to Moderator
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This was quite good. I am trying to write something in a similar genre (Thriller/Horror) and read a few features here and this is the best so far.

Although I liked seeing the reference I think naming the Hospital 'Burke and Hare' kinda gave the game away a little early. You would probably be better not revealing what is going on until you really need to. It may be an obscure reference but I would have thought many people would have got it.

I think the third act is the weakest section of the screenplay and does let it down somewhat. It is not really surprising however as reading the comments it looks like it used to have a different third act with Japanese Gangsters or something and while I have no doubt this is an improvement I just feel it was relying too much of regurgitating things we have already seen in the second act. I mean this morgue seems like a fairly small facility and to be honest i was getting a little bored of seeing Cindy running from one room to another, hiding, jumping out and running back to the other room.

I think you needed to take the action somewhere else and thus the final showdown taking place outside made some sense. It was however a bit confusing and think that you could probably do better that the ambulance fight. It was strange that the one thing I was expecting to happen at the end never happened, you might think that is good I guess and maybe it is but seen as you introduced us to the incinerator right at the beginning and again when introducing us to the morgue I fully expected to have it involved in the final showdown too. You know a but like the rule that says if you show a gun during the first act then make sure you use it in the third. Having McCain burned alive in the incinerator may be movie cliche but I think it would make for a good ending.

It was funny reading Shelton's comment about the air duct, I too read John Augusts comments on that and I immediately thought of it when it happened.

I think the overall story could do with a little work, McCain's motivation? Just to artificially inseminate her and have her give birth to a child?  I mean, if he is that desperate and that evil why would he not just go and steal a baby instead? A lot less hassle than what he was doing. I think you need a much better motivation for McCain, to be honest something as simple as money is a lot easier to believe. Plus it has the added benefit of being in direct contrast to Cindy's apparent apathy towards money.

It was nicely written however with clearly defined acts and turns of plot. I liked the intro to Cindy and thought you did a great job of building up the first act. I would like to see more of Cindy's character come into play later in the film, not sure the flashbacks really give us something there. But it was a nicely measure build-up and sets the scene pretty well.

Overall not a bad job. Nice one.
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James McClung
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 2:09am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, GM. I didn't think I'd see this one pop up again anytime soon.

First off, I'd like to say thanks and congrats on being the first, and likely the last, person to recognize the Burke and Hare reference. I figured no one really knows who Burke and Hare are and basically inserted it as an inside joke for myself. Nevertheless, I'm impressed.

As for everything else, you're right on all counts, except for the air vent. I think I might have explained that one earlier. Honestly, I don't know whether or not I'd like to do anything more with this one. More and more, it's feeling like a child who's dropped out and college and is now unemployed and living at home (for those of you who liken your scripts to children, haha). I've said a few times that it never turned out the way I had hoped but now, I feel like I was focused on the wrong things from the getgo.

I'm considering writing an alternate version of Black Market with completely different plot and characters (just using similar motifs) and more of a Phantasm vibe to it (without the goofy puppets and cheesiness, that is) as well as the sister piece I'm writing now. Maybe I'll come back to this in 5-10 years but as of now, I think I'm gonna call it retired.


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Murphy
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 3:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
Thanks for the read, GM. I didn't think I'd see this one pop up again anytime soon.

First off, I'd like to say thanks and congrats on being the first, and likely the last, person to recognize the Burke and Hare reference. I figured no one really knows who Burke and Hare are and basically inserted it as an inside joke for myself. Nevertheless, I'm impressed.


I know I should not drag up old ones really but this is still on the front page of the Thrillers  so thought I would give it a go.

Burke and Hare? I lived in Scotland for a while when I was younger and they are still talked about on occasions. Theirs is actually one of those stories that really could do with a good adaptation. I am toying with the idea of giving it a go at some point this year.


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