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Black Market by James McClung - Thriller - When Cindy Hutchins shows up for a job interview at McCain Funeral Home, she is unexpectedly cast into the cutthroat underworld of the black market, where the goods come from humans. 88 pages - pdf, format
Just thought I'd say a few words about this one, as I usually do...
Once I started writing the third act, I figured this was two disjointed to work as an entirely horror project so I opted to call it a thriller instead. I feel this is much more at home with scripts about terrorists, hallucinating prison-escapees, and surgery-addicted drug addicts than zombies, cannibals, and masked killers. Also, I figured if I ever changed my mind and went back to calling it horror, it'd still be at home with scripts that straddle the two genres (ala The Basement, Whispers).
Anyway, this is rather different from what I usually write. This is the first feature-length I've written that focuses on the main character's homelife and how they deal with everyday problems. It also lacks the conventional group of friends that have plagued my previous scripts. This is Cindy's story and, for the most part, she faces it alone.
I also feel this is the most original script I've written. There is some homage to a particular cinematic subgenre I've grown to love over the past year or so but when it comes to the horror stuff, I can't name any particular movie that served as an influence. Most of its influences came from outside sources. I did a fair share of research for this one as well. Mostly on names and certain... procedures (you'll see).
Finally, I feel this is the strongest script I've written in terms of character development and also one of the sickest, grimmest, and most brutal.
Anyway, as usual, comments and criticisms of any kind are appreciated. Hope you enjoy it.
This one sounded pretty interesting, and I've read two of your other features, so I thought I'd give this one a look.
This was a remarkably fast read. I think other readers will find that these 94 pages just fly by.
Another thing that I really enjoyed, is that this script is a perfect example of how a writer is supposed to show and not tell. Once we get into the thick of things, you have these long passages of time where nothing at all is being said, yet it can be pictured rather vividly. I myslef could never write anything like this. I'd just have to have a second mortician come in and start talking about some ridiculous nonsense or drop a couple of pop culture references. =)
The one thing that I'll call you out on is the air vent. It's always a convenient means of escape, yet the actual logistics of it never make any sense to me. Air vents are meant to hold air, not the weight of people. John August has a pretty funny article about this on his website, which also includes a vow for screenwriters to take, ensuring they will never place a character in an air duct.
I also liked how you covered two aspects of the Black Market, and how they transitioned into one another. Nice work there.
On pg. 92 you have "a dray washcloth".
Normally, I'm not a huge fan of the abrupt ending, but I think it works pretty well in this case, as there really isn't much more that can be said. I suppose you could have had a scene where she's talking to the cops, or maybe finishing a book, where the subject has changed from her post-apocalyptic story to own experience, but it's not entirely necessary. Although now that I think of it, the book thing would bring it full circle.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this. I think you'll end up drawing a few Hostel references, but in my opinion the subject matter is more than sufficiently different, if not more realistic, to establish this as it's own script. If I were to watch this, I'd probably prefer it over Hostel.
I suppose I should mention right off the bat that excessive violence or gore has never really been my thing. That being said, you have a well-crafted story here.
I like the fact that it's straight forward and with few peripheral characters. In your previous post you mentioned that you decided to focus on one main character this time around. Without having read any of your previous work I will say that this was a wise decision.
The opening segment was quite different from the rest of the story, especially in its tone. Nice job of establishing a protagonist. She's likeable, a little quirky and easy to root for.
In fact this almost felt like three separate stories. Not necessarily a bad thing but the transition was quite abrupt even if they were connected in some way. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I think it holds together fine but maybe others will comment on this (Edit: Mike Shelton already has).
In the opening scenes I almost felt a certain comedic undertone. Intentional or not I grinned when her prospective boss at the funeral parlour tells her on the phone that a job's available if she wants it and she responds, in what I imagine to be a chipper voice, with 'I'll be right over'. It's hard not to root for someone with that much enthusiasm for the dead.
The action sequences, which take up the bulk of this story, were well crafted. Not much to say here really. Perhaps a little too much emphasis on the gory details but again, that's me.
I wish the ending tied in more with what you established at the beginning. This goes back to what I said before about it feeling disjointed, almost like two seperate stories. I think an extra scene at the end would be beneficial, linking the two. Maybe show her back home, perhaps in new digs, writing her masterpiece. As it is, it ends quite abrupt. Just a thought anyway. It stood out for me.
Cindy's friend disappears from the script and is never heard from again. I wonder if somehow you could bring her into the story, even if only briefly. Maybe Cindy calls her for help on her cell phone or maybe she drops by the funeral parlour for a surprise visit. Anyway, you took the time to establish her as a character, why not utilize her in some way, even if only as a victim.
I think if this were made into a movie people would go into it expecting a certain thing and probably walk out feeling they got exactly that, nothing more and nothing less. It was bloody and it had a hero we could all root for. The main ingredients are there.
Hope this helps
-Mike
"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
The opening of this script kind of reminded me of Hostel in a way so I got kinda worried, but in my opinion, this was a lot better than that(even though that really doesn't say much)
I liked Cindy, she was a very different kind of lead, she is strange and weird, but I like weird, weirdo's are cool.
The first act has a completely different feel to what happens in the last two acts. It's more light hearted.
I don't think you need the scene with Miranda and her boss, the conversation later between Cindy and Miranda explains her not really being a people person who usually works weird jobs, I don't think you need to go through that twice.
When I saw the name Ichiban I started to laugh, then I got the Sapporo Ichiban commercial stuck in my head, it's such an annoying commercial.
The second act of this script is really interesting, for most of it there isn't much dialogue, after the introduction of Buddy and McCain, it is mostly written action and I thought that was kind of cool.
I did like Buddy and I was hoping he would make it outta there, but I knew in my gut he wouldn't and I was right, but I did like how his death comes outta nowhere.
There are some really good gore moments in this funeral home, you really know how to do descriptions. The part with Buddy's eye made me feel a little uneasy, anything to do with eyes always does.
then comes the last act which is completely different from the first and second.
There is a lot of pistol whipping in this script, I started to notice that, you may wanna take a few of them out because it becomes a little bit repetitive.
I don't know if Cindy would be able to do all the things she is able to do in the last act considering what she has gone through, I figured she'd be wiped out, but maybe under those circumstances she is able to find all that energy, I dunno.
I kinda liked how this turned into a Japanese Gangster film in a way, I didn't know from the way it started that it was going to end up that way.
I was a bit disappointed in the ending, it just ends, but maybe it works for some, I would have just liked a bit of closure.
Anyways I liked this one, it had an interesting lead, some great gore and the story had surprises in it's tone. Good work
As usual, your work shows you put some serious effort into it, James. In my opinion, your writing level is above much of the stuff that is submitted to this site. I believe there is room for improvement as well; I’ll dwell more on the “negative” aspects in order to try to offer some feedback for future rewrites, if you’re planning any.
*SPOILERS*
One reader above me said it first. This script seems to contain three different stories:
1) When Cindy looses her job, she struggles to put food back on the fridge by selling a novel. She fails and gets the job at the funeral home. This would be your first act.
2) Cindy struggles to escape the funeral home where morticians steal organs from people in order to sell them at the black market. She succeeds but gets caught right after that. This would be your second act.
3) Cindy struggles to escape the Japanese Villa after being sold to a Japanese gangster; she succeeds and kills all the japs in the process. This would be your third act.
Right now, these three acts feel a bit disjointed from each other (on some levels). Whether you did this intentionally or not, I think you should strengthen the dramatic connection between these acts in order to improve the overall quality of your script. Some suggestions:
Connecting 1 to 2
The first act establishes who is your main character, we get to know Cindy. Since her life is going to be in danger in the next act, it’s ok to introduce her to the audience. If we don’t know who she is, we won’t care about her. So “1” establishes character and “2” is where the story kicks in; now the character is in danger and has a dramatic goal (escape the funeral home).
The problem is that much of the information we learn about Cindy doesn’t connect to the plot that follows (escape the funeral home). It’s ok to tell us about her problems and background, but such problems must have a dramatic connection with the next act. Cindy’s novel and writing career takes quite a lot of space from your first pages, yet it doesn’t connect with what happens to her afterwards. And it should have. Some examples:
During Vertigo’s first act we get to learn about the protagonist background and problems: he has a pathological fear of heights. This problem plays a major role during the second act, since this is the weakness that’s exploited by the villain to set up and use the protagonist for his needs. The protagonist’s background is organic to the rest of the story.
Bruce Willis’ character in The Sixth Sense has problems as well (despite being dead), he feels guilty because he couldn’t help a patient who committed suicide right in front of him. This problem, like in Vertigo, was not chosen randomly. On the contrary, this is the back story that fuels the protagonist’s motivation to help another kid with the same problem and find closure.
When building your protagonist’s background, characteristics and problems, have your plot in mind, in order to combine both for maximum dramatic effect. It’s not a coincidence that Indiana Jones, who fears/hates snakes, ends up trapped in a room full of them. Since writing the novel and wanting to be a writer is an aspect later abandoned in the script, I’d suggest it to loose it completely.
I’m not saying that every single aspect about your characters must be 100% essential to the plot; The Oracle would still be The Oracle even if she didn’t bake cookies and the Ninja Turtles would still be Ninja Turtles even if they didn’t like pizza. But when you give your protagonist a characteristic that needs a considerable amount of pages to be established (like Cindy’s writing background) make sure it has a relevant part to play later.
The only relevant information given in this draft’s first act, is that Cindy needs money and doesn’t have a job. This info has a connection with the rest of the story, we know why she takes a job that some people wouldn’t find pleasant to do. It’s ok to tell us more about her if you want, but make sure that her background has a relevant part to play. Her writer’s background seems like a big set-up without a payoff.
Connecting 1&2 to 3
When Cindy’s job interview ends and she is attacked, that’s the end of your first act. The first act usually establishes the big dramatic question: Will Jaw’s protagonist kill the shark? Will Indiana Jones find the lost arc? Will Saw’s protagonist escape Jigsaw’s traps? And in this script: Will Cindy escape the Funeral Home? The second act deals with this question, and the third act resolves it.
Your second act deals directly with the dramatic question established by the end of the first act. Cindy has a goal (escape), and everything she does is related to achieving said goal; the script works fine here.
But your third act spins the story into a whole new direction and, to me, felt a little bit unfocused. The third act usually gives a definite answer to the dramatic question established by the end of the first act: The shark gets killed or its hunter gets eaten. Indy finds the arc or the nazis do. Jigsaw’s victims escape the trap or they die.
The problem here is that the dramatic question (Cindy escapes or has her organs removed) is not solved. It’s left aside in order to turn the story into another direction: we leave the Funeral Home are we’re taken to a Japanese Villa. We meet a new villain (Shigeo). The organ’s black market angle is left aside and human trafficking comes into play. Even the genre and tone changes; the final scenes at the Villa seem more like action scenes with characters openly firing guns at each other (The Funeral Home had more of an horror/suspense feel, with Cindy moving around stealthily).
The third act must resolve the main conflict by using the dramatic elements already established earlier in the script. Use the dramatic elements already known by the audience; those are the only tools you have in order to build that big dramatic electrifying ending. The third act is too late to introduce new dramatic elements (i.e. Shigeo). Set-up time ended long ago, it’s time for pay-off.
In my opinion, this story should be resolved with Cindy escaping the Funeral Home, that’s the big dramatic moment. After that, there shouldn’t be much to tell. Maybe the japs could chase her for a bit, like Hostel’s protagonist was chased after escaping Torture-Land, but don’t take Cindy to a new location to face a new danger in hands of a new antagonist.
And yeah, I know that in From Dusk till Dawn, Tarantino turned an crime movie into a vampire flick. But he had an extensive writing credits list before that. And more important: for every successful “rule-breaker” script there is, you can also find a thousand unproduced failures at triggerstreet, zoetrope, etc.
Some small stuff based on notes I made as I read:
P.4 Cindy’s trip from her job to her home was too long and detailed. After “Cindy exits” you can cut right away to the hallway; let the audience fill in the non-dramatic blanks. Maybe we could get a brief glimpse of her entering the train if you want to establish her job was far from home, but not much more seems to be needed.
P.15 I didn’t like Cindy’s “I need to get a job”. It sounded too naïve. An adult doesn’t need to see an empty fridge in order to make that conclusion; I felt like she should have noticed that earlier.
P.24 Cindy meeting Buddy in the same train while heading for the same place for the same job was too coincidental. You can make them meet at the Funeral Home’s Lobby while waiting; that would be more believable.
P.40 And since Cindy risks her life in order to go back to save Buddy, I wonder if you need them to be strangers. Risking one’s life for a stranger is a hard sell to the audience. Couldn’t they be “long time no see” friends instead of total strangers?
P.58 If Mc. Cain tells the japs where is Cindy hiding and they listen, they have to act accordingly instead of ignoring him. If not, it’ll be difficult for me to keep taking these guys seriously.
Some even smaller stuff:
As Mike already mentioned, this one read pretty fast. You’ve got the basics of format and spec writing nailed down. But I think you could do even better.
“INT. OFFICE The office is cramped and cluttered with assorted papers…”
The primary function of a slugline is to make clear to the reader that all the actions below it take place/refer to this location. So you don’t need to clarify this again in the action lines below.
“INT. OFFICE Cramped and cluttered with assorted papers…”
We know you’re talking about the office.
“He proceeds to undress" "Proceeds to reload”
It’s much more direct and visual to describe people doing things than describing people proceeding to do things. Less is always more.
"He undresses." "Reloads."
As I said, I liked your writing style but it could be a little tighter. Some descriptions contain details that, IMO, are not relevant to the story. Like knowing that the colour of the shirt that the Funeral Home Receptionist’s is wearing is white.
P.33 The phrase “The mortician” is repeated about 15 times in a scene. When describing continuous actions from the same character, you can use “he” or “she” for a quicker read. Some authors don’t even use the “he” after a while. It's better to write:
“Cindy runs along the hallway.
She stops.
Looks back”.
Than:
"Cindy runs along the hallway.
Cindy stops.
Cindy looks back".
Overall, and despite all the previous bitching, I think you did a good job here. Hope this helps.
The air vent is on the floor therefore it can hold Cindy inside. Perhaps I failed to mention that. I'll go back and check. The "dray washcloth" is gone though.
As for the abrupt ending, I'd say it's officially a trademark of my writing. In any case, Cindy's certainly not going to be finishing her book. She's a completely different person at the end of the story and would probably have no interest whatsoever in completing the work from her past life.
mgj...
As I told Mike, the abrupt ending's kind of my thing. I like to end a story when it's over. Sure, I could have Cindy return home (I'm actually not sure at the moment if she would actually do that) but it would probably end up subterfuge. At the end of the script, the "bad guys" are dead, Cindy has escaped, and is a completely different person. That's it. In my book anyway.
I will, however, think about reintroducing Miranda's character. Perhaps I could offer some closure to Cindy's story from that end. Perhaps the police could go investigate the funeral home and find no traces of her or the Yakuza, leaving the whole thing a cold case. I'll think about it.
Jordan...
I'm glad you liked Cindy's character. I thought I'd throw the level-headed character that everyone can relate to to the wind and write a more eccentric one (a weirdo as you said). I had a lot more fun writing her character that way. Plus everyone can relate to finding a job.
Anyway, yeah, the story did end up feeling like three separate ones. The first, a dramedy with some sitcom overtones, the second, balls to the wall horror, and third, crazy Yakuza flick. It's somewhat disorienting I think but I thought it'd be more fun that way, both to write and read (and hopefully view). The transitions are logical in any case so I don't really think there's a problem.
I explained the abrupt ending to the other guys as well if you'd care to know what the deal is with that.
Mr. Z...
I agree with a lot of what you've said. A few things however...
I disagree about getting rid of the book subplot. I actually thought it was very relevant as it's all part of Cindy's character arc. She starts out scraping by on the bare minimum, feeling perfectly happy doing what she loves. Then later, she's introduced to a world based entirely upon money and, more importantly, greed. Cindy is then corrupted by the black market and everything she used to love deteriorates. At the end of the second act, she even says I have no passion. By the third act, she believes the way to make it in the world is to take what you can, even if you have to do bad things to get it, which is why she takes Shigeo's briefcase after killing the Yakuza. She's basically one of them. Even the premise of the book reflects what Cindy goes through in throughout the script.
I also enjoyed the disjointed quality of the script. "Rule breaker" was a good word, I think. Normally, I'd probably try and change the ending but I think all the transitions of genre and whatnot were logical in the context of the story.
Other than that, I'll take your suggests into consideration during the rewrite.
While I thought the story was very good (to a point), James. With some work, I see this as a very salable script.
The biggest problem I have with this script is that you drag things out. It wasn't until page thirty, or so, that the story begins. Thirty pages is obscene! Most agents and professional script readers will stop reading at page ten. If you're lucky, you may find someone who'll read the first fifteen. You won't find an agent who'll read thirty.
SPOILER SPACE!!!
You can trim a lot off this script (through out the script) by eliminating all these little scenes that have nothing to do with the story. You don't need to show her working in the chemical plant and getting fired and writing a book. You can start with her looking for work.
The entire part of the story at Yukio's home was ridiculously long. It was as if you showed Cindy running through every single room of the house. Why? It was needless and tiresome padding.
All of page 34 can be removed. It's kind of funny how you can just pull this page out and most people would even notice. It would actually be better.
Personally, I think you cut out the entire Japan storyline. The funeral home story stands on its own. By making this the entire story, you have a low budget horror script. By including the whole Japan scenario, you turn it into something else entirely (an expensive something else entirely).
Keep the story simple.
Here's a couple of story problems I have (in the form of questions):
How is it that Cindy, who never held a weapon in her entire life can suddenly take down the yakuza?
Why does Miranda's boss think Cindy is not Smoothie Shack material? She's extremely friendly, happy and outgoing. She was perky when she lost her job. She made friends with Buddy on the subway. IMHO, she would be perfect for the Smoothie Shack.
Why would the Yakuza set up an illegal organ bank in the United States and then bring the organs to Japan? I don't think organs would last the trip home. Why not wouldn't they do it in Japan (or, atleast, Asia).
If I were to write a gorey script, it would be something like the funeral home segment of your story. Minimal number of victims would mean you get to develop the characters.
I agree the first act is very slow. I tried to throw in the Yakuza stalking Cindy to make things a little more interesting but perhaps it was downplayed. I'll see what I can do regarding that. I'm already omitting some parts of the first act so I'll definitely take your comments into consideration. I'm not sure about omitting Cindy getting fired though. The way she takes it says something about her character that I don't think you get later. Maybe not. I'll think about it.
I'm rather attached to the Japan storyline. I think if I omitted it, I'd have to omit the Yakuza all together. I thought the idea of the Yakuza going out of their way to get what they considered to be higher quality organs justified their existence (so long as they're correctly preserved BTW) and I never considered that segment to be particularly expensive. Perhaps some of the set pieces would be but I didn't think it was that serious. I In any case, I'd rather tinker with that part of the story rather than omit it entirely. I don't think I'm ready to do that, as I don't have a backup plan, and, personally, I'd rather not. As for Cindy taking down the Yakuza, I tried to show her being as inexperienced as possible in regards to weapons. She constantly misfiring and her swordsmanship is nonexistent. I saw her resillience being a combination of luck and surprise rather than actual skill, of which she has none.
In any case, I'll certainly be taking your comments into consideration for the rewrite. I'm starting to think there's a fair share of needless subterfuge scattered throughout the current draft which I hope to cut down.
Why would the Yakuza set up an illegal organ bank in the United States and then bring the organs to Japan? I don't think organs would last the trip home. Why not wouldn't they do it in Japan (or, atleast, Asia).
Hi James,
I totally agree with Phil on that point. I would be simple to have a twist kinda we all think Cindy's in Japan and when she finally escapes she realizes she's in the USA.
Another thing. I fear there are too many Japanese lines and the basic spectator could be tired reading all this. Why doesn't Cindy could understand them all (and pretends she doesn't)? Maybe she had Japanese lessons or could be interested in all the Japan stuff. Maybe you can rely all that to the book she tries to write at the beginning.
You have here a good basis for a bankable story. Try to condense the first part and link tighter the secund and the third.
James, have you actually researched organ harvesting at all? How long would the parts stay 'fresh?' Between travel time and tissue testing, I imagine they would get pretty old.
As much as you may like using the yakuza, I think it ruins a good story.
James, have you actually researched organ harvesting at all? How long would the parts stay 'fresh?' Between travel time and tissue testing, I imagine they would get pretty old.
As much as you may like using the yakuza, I think it ruins a good story.
Phil
I did research organ harvesting. Perhaps not so much the transport of organs but they are transported nationwide, which leads me to assume that they're conditioned to last lengthy trips. Perhaps Japan is a little longer (understatement, I know) but even so, they're most certainly ways of preserving organs so that they last long term.
I'll give it some more research in any case. I'm not giving with out a fight. If I do indeed have to end up cutting out the Yakuza, that's about half a script gone, not to mention anything else I'd be cutting out in the rewrite. Needless to say, omitting them would leave me with the biggest scriptwriting mess I think I'll ever have had to face.
I did research organ harvesting. Perhaps not so much the transport of organs but they are transported nationwide, which leads me to assume that they're conditioned to last lengthy trips. Perhaps Japan is a little longer (understatement, I know) but even so, they're most certainly ways of preserving organs so that they last long term.
You probably researched hospitals transporting organs through optimal conditions. Maybe even hooking them up to machines to keep them fresh. I don't think the Yakuza is that sophisticated an operation. Also, since it is illegal for them, they would have to take the long way to dodge the authorites.
I'll give it some more research in any case. I'm not giving with out a fight. If I do indeed have to end up cutting out the Yakuza, that's about half a script gone, not to mention anything else I'd be cutting out in the rewrite. Needless to say, omitting them would leave me with the biggest scriptwriting mess I think I'll ever have had to face.
Make the funeral home scene more suspenseful and less Benny Hill chase scene. Catch the mood of Cindy's predicament. That's your story.
You are one of my favorite young writers here. This also happens to be the kind of story I like. The gore was especially nice, but your action writing was excellent too.
Today is one of those b**** days though that us women have periodically, so don’t take it personally because this review isn’t all lovey dovey, praise praise. I’m trying to be honest and helpful though.
SPOILERS:
I LOVED the very first scene! Nice way to start a movie!
Why are a bunch of new people being hired, yet Cindy’s being fired?
I honestly think that the whole Miranda and Cyndi part doesn’t lead anywhere. Okay, I understand that Cyndi is different and she needs to find a new job, but Miranda, the feverish book-writing and so on doesn’t lead to anywhere.
I was also wondering how the three Japanese guys was checking out Cyndi already. How did they find her, how do they already know she needs a job, why was she singled out? Is it from just overhearing the conversation? If so, it seems very convenient. Do they just hang around café’s looking for potential “donors”?
The first “act” is too slow. Nicely written as it is, it doesn’t really have much to do with what’s coming next. The second “act” was my favorite. You did a really, really nice job with it!
I really don’t have too much to say about the middle part. I really dug it! I liked how she takes care of Buddy and the gore was just right. I read this Saturday and in my notes I wrote “Nasty!! I LOVE IT!”. Yeah, I’m weird, so what.
A few thoughts: They don’t want to use Cyndi’s lungs because she smokes, but what about the other involuntary donors? Do they do health check-ups on them first? I think organ donations are quite specific where a donor and receiver are matched up before hand. In other words they need to be checked for matchability and therefore extensive check-ups are needed.
When Buddy and Cindy are in the drawers we can apparently see what they are doing. How is this possible when the drawers are shut? Is there light inside?
McCain can also hear Buddy’s sigh of relief while he is in the drawer. I understand that it echoes, but still…a sigh isn’t the same as a scream, they’re usually pretty quiet and I find it hard to believe that McCain can hear it.
Cindy kills Kentaro with a pen. I know she’s a writer, but still……
Your third “act” was my second favorite part. You wrote the whole thing very well. However, as nice as the action and the writing was, it went on for too long. I’ve read somewhere that the audience can only stay on the edge of their seat for so long until they get bored. I can’t remember the exact amount of time right now, but it’s the same reason why roller coasters don’t last more than a certain amount of time. Apparently our bodies can only be “excited” for so long until we run out of adrenaline. Seems like 6 minutes comes to mind, but I could be wrong. What happens is that we can’t sustain that high level of intenseness longer than that and we start to feel immune or insensitive to it.
Your third act is very well done, but IMHO you must break it up with moments where we can relax and regain our (f*** hate when I can’t think of the word)….
I also thought you missed a great opportunity to use that nice little torture room.
Lastly I did wonder why those Japanese wanted American organs when Asia is full of billions of people and in a lot of the countries there, life is not as precious as it is here. Seems to me they would’ve been better off finding “donors” there, if only for logistics (but once you slice up a person you can't tell where they come from. We all look the same underneath. Attend an autopsy and you'll know what I mean). China for example does this already with some of their prisoners and they are in desperate need of hard currency.
Anyway,
I really LIKED it. Fix a few problems and I can see this as a sellable script.
First of all I just want to say well done on the screenplay! You write well and you've got ability! Here a few things I picked. I'll categorize them by Act.
First Act:
I have to agree with some of the others. Lose the first act! It doesn't work. It's too subdued and doesn't accurately set the tone for the proceeding events. You must set the right tone! I think consciously/sub-consciously you know there is a problem in your first act, as you're writing greatly improves after this.
So forget about Miranda. She just serves as exposition and has no part in the story, except acting as a sounding board for Cindy's discontent. Which leads me onto: too much talk about money, work, writing, money, work, writing. It sounds too personal, like more of the writer's struggle. It doesn't serve the story.
When she meets Buddy on the train. This is coincidence! Coincidence should be avoided.
Second Act:
I agree, this is the best part of your script. If you setup the First Act, know where you're going in the third, you shouldn't have to change this too much.
Third Act:
I take it you're interested in the Japanese aspect, I am also fascinated with their culture, however you don't seem to explore any of this in your script. Which I believe voids you're need to have them speaking in so much Japanese. The only time this worked was in 'Shogun' where it was a necessity.
Pg 80. She spews blood in Shigeo's face. Anyone who does this might blind someone, but they certainly wouldn't be doing much else besides dying! Erase Shigeo's comment 'she blinded me!' too.
Get rid of the dragon tattoo on Yukio's back, it's been seen before in a million Van Damme, Segal movies etc. I'd recommend researching the Yakuza, customs etc for new perspectives on their character. Show me something I don't know and you'll make me a happy man!
As the main character Cindy should be making choices, dictating situations, rather than reacting to them with repetitive acts of violence.
Ultimately I didn't get to know the bad guys well enough, so I couldn't care less when they died. Try to think of some ingenious ways Cindy can kill people too, rather than resorting to the gun etc.
Solutions:
I know how frustrating advice can be, when there are no real examples or suggestions. So I've taken a few minutes to offer some ideas.
An unemployed author turns into a vicious woman, fighting for her life? Doesn't fit! What if Cindy was a down on her luck Stripper or an Actress. Let's go with the Stripper as an example. That way you she could come into logical contact with the Japanese men in the strip club (sleaze is attracted to sleaze). They'd have a reason for noticing her too! She could also be abused/harassed by clients. In debt etc.
Buddy as I mentioned is introduced through coincidence. What if Buddy was some underage kid who groped her in a Strip Club! Then she spots him on the Train later, thinks he's following her, confronts him and finds out that they're both going to the same place.
If Cindy is to become this Japanese Man's plaything, then her being a stripper would make sense, having been degraded by men all her life - she'd be fighting back with real emotion and anger!
If I were you I’d outline your screenplay as you have it now. Then go back and set things up, rework scenes, add scenes, characters etc. Then when you have to make amends to your screenplay it won’t be such a daunting task.
Keep up with this! From all the replies and feedback myself included, I really think you can make something of this Script. Keep writing, keep working on it! Don't be satisfied with mediocrity!
I noticed you had this script posted up in the script exchange thred and so decided to post a comment for a script exchange. While waiting for a response (still waiting) I decided to take a peek at your script and was instantly hooked after 5 pages and decided oh what the hell I'll keep reading.
This is a great script. the writing style is descriptive, visual and a pleasure to read.
It follow strictly to horror genre structure so I'm not sure about your decision to put it here in thriller section.
The introduction of Cindy and here normal life style is enjoyable and interesting. To many horror movies introduce bland, boring teenagers that make the first 30 minutes unbearable to sit threw and you just wish the killer would hurry and enter story and start killing. (Wolf Creek)
Hell, I remember one B-grade horror I watched where the card board characters that where introduced and the set up was so lame and boring that the director had the young female actors take their tops off and show their hooters to keep it interesting. Hmm. not cool
Anywho, back to your script, So once we are familiar with Cindy, the horror kicks in and this quickly turns into a torture porn flick. You have obviously tried to make this script as low budget friendly as possible but have you stopped to think how expensive it would be to do the F/X gore effects for the images you have in your script? It has graphical violence right down to the smallest of detail and like all the trends in horror serve no other purpose than too titilate the target audience.
But this kind of stuff is what's hot at the moment and what pulls in the big bucks. From a marketing point of view this script is gold and I would be very suprised if it can't find a suitable producer.
The scene where Cindy is being interviewed and cut to the morticians was fantastic. Visually cool.
What's the go with the morticians? They where so- well -numb. about as as animated as a plank of wood. Did not seem menacing and felt like they where as dangerous a threat to Cindy as say a maniquin in an apartment store.
The combat scene in the middle act was very descriptive but if this script was converted into screen time, the quick editing would make these scenes only last seconds, shortening the length of your script even more.
Speaken of the length of this script. I am a little bit confused. Is it meant to be a feature length movie? Or a glorified short film or trailer. I have noticed this trend in a lot of the scripts I have been reading here of late. They have been 95 pages or less. This would make a script of rougly 80 to 75 minutes. Doesn't ayone here like crafting a story?
Your script is like the higlights of a horror movie. Just a series of the best bits you would see. The story is very simple and thin. No real set up or build up. Just Bam! Bam! Straight to the intense horror moment and straight into another one.
But that is not nescerrarily a bad thing and you make it work for this story because it's all about the violence. The bloodier the better. You have made that very clear. You know your targeted audience and you give em what they want.
All in all this is well crafted, written script. But with the thin story and torture porn, if it where made into a movie it would come, make millions, blend in with all the Saws, Hostels and just be another fad piece that will be forgotten in time.
I'd love to see you think outside the square and have a crack at an Evil Dead mind fuck kind of story. I'd love to see your style and version of that.
Sigh, why don't they make horrors like Evil Dead anymore?
I'm convinced now that I need to do something about both the first and third acts. Perhaps the first doesn't go anywhere as you said. I think perhaps I can cut down on some subterfuge and replace it with some behind the scenes stuff at the funeral home or basically the whole organ harvesting plot.
Your comment about Cindy's lungs and the other patients makes sense. I figured McCain would simply stage false interviews to learn a little more about the victims' habits but perhaps that's not enough. Your comment about the Yakuza singling out Cindy is a fair one as well. I'm considering replacing the Yakuza with rogue doctors who already know everything about the victims going to the funeral home. That kills two birds with one stone and I think it would be much more sinister as well in addition to sticking to the organ plot rather than switching to human trafficking.
Toph...
I've mentioned above what I'm probably going to do with the first act. I somewhat agree with Miranda being a sounding board for Cindy but she's not without her own development and in any case, I think they have an interesting and occasionally amusing relationship. I think I can leave that the way it is while cutting down on the subterfuge. I'm also solving the problem about meeting Buddy on the train.
I do disagree about the whole stripper plotline however. Not only is it too much trouble to rewrite the script in its entirety with a whole new story but I think a stripper as a main character, while potentially interesting, is a bit of a hard sell. I also made a conscious effort to keep the novel subplot pertinent to the proceeding events and think it still stands.
Tonkatough...
I'll get back to you on the exchange. I have something else to read before your script but I'll definitely check it out.
Anyway, I considered the timing an issue at one point but I think a script in the 90-page range is in good shape and while some scenes would last mere seconds on screen, there are still others that would be even longer.
As for the morticians being bland, well, you're right. I intended it that way. There are some pretty developed villains in the story already. I figured it wouldn't hurt to have some creepy lifeless drones.
I can't understand why some writers here feel that the first act for this script dosen't work. I think it is fine and works perfectly. Part of the structure of the horror genre is to introduce "meat" that gets hacked up later on in the story and show them going about their normal lives. The purpose for this is to create a bond with the audience and the character so when the killing starts the audience react with . . . horror. If you don't have that connection then who cares if the character becomes a victim. Time and time again so many horror movies fail at this.
I think you have done a good job James and it really makes your character identifiable and likable. And it does go somewhere. Cindy wants to be a writer she fails she runs out of money has to find a job. I would hate to see the begining get cut. I say leave it and focus on the last act.
But it is your story and I am a minority on this. I just disagree with what others are saying (sorry)
I can't understand why some writers here feel that the first act for this script dosen't work.
It's been a while since I read this but, IIRC, Cindy is introduced as an extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly person...way too extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly a person. Even when she's terminated from her crappy job, she's like this. No one can relate to someone so happy.
Add to fact that this extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly person cannot get a job at the Smoothie Shack because she's not the right material. IMHO, this is exactly who you want to work there.
Also, there was a lot of background information that wasn't needed. Cut to the chase and start with the story, not everything leading up to it.
It's been a while since I read this but, IIRC, Cindy is introduced as an extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly person...way too extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly a person. Even when she's terminated from her crappy job, she's like this. No one can relate to someone so happy.
Add to fact that this extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly person cannot get a job at the Smoothie Shack because she's not the right material. IMHO, this is exactly who you want to work there.
Also, there was a lot of background information that wasn't needed. Cut to the chase and start with the story, not everything leading up to it.
Phil
Hate to say it but I agree with phil opinion with opening act. It doesnt get flowing til page 30(for a thiller) But i will finish this today, on pg 71! and its very interesting.
It's been a while since I read this but, IIRC, Cindy is introduced as an extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly person...way too extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly a person. Even when she's terminated from her crappy job, she's like this. No one can relate to someone so happy.
Add to fact that this extremely happy, optimistic, warm and friendly person cannot get a job at the Smoothie Shack because she's not the right material. IMHO, this is exactly who you want to work there.
Also, there was a lot of background information that wasn't needed. Cut to the chase and start with the story, not everything leading up to it.
Phil
A rewrite's in the process. The first draft has already been taken care of. I agree. The previous draft was extremely slow. I've cut out a considerable amount of scenes. Initially, there were five scenes to indicate Cindy was running out of food. Now, there's just one and there's actually stuff going on in that scene. No more vigorous writing scenes. These were just some of the scenes I removed in the first act. I also added two "creepy scenes" to ensure the plot moves forward, one of them in the first ten pages so it's more producer-friendly.
I also agree about Cindy not being able to get a job at Smoothie Shack, especially with Miranda's help. The boss now hesitates to hire Cindy because of her zero experience in the service industry instead of her supposed lack of personality. After reading this post, I went back and rewrote the scene again to emphasize this even further. So, in short, the first act doesn't drag as much this time around. There are still some scenes in there that are entirely character development but I felt they were neccesary and couldn't have been done at any other point in the story. Nevertheless, everything I felt needlessly slowed things down, I removed.
I disagree however that Cindy is too happy to relate to. This is entirely subjective. Other people here seemed to like here. She's supposed to be a little weird, anyway, and even if she does come off as "too happy," the fact remains that everyone can relate to searching for a job. The fact is, Cindy has to face the same everyday problems as everyone else. IMO, that makes her very relateable.
I wasnt agreeing she was too happy, was agreeing with her personality should have gotten her the job and it moved slow, as I had stated in my review post just so that you know. finishd review will be posted by 9cst today.
Relax, dude. You weren't the one who said she was too happy. Phil was. I disagree. Just figured I'd retort.
Nevertheless, he was right about most everything else as were the majority of the other readers.
Anyway, look forward to your review. I'll try to post mine within the next two days or so. I'm about halfway through the Unholy Cry.
I also agree about Cindy not being able to get a job at Smoothie Shack, especially with Miranda's help. The boss now hesitates to hire Cindy because of her zero experience in the service industry instead of her supposed lack of personality.
Zero experience in the food industry? James, she not making sushi; she's serving smoothies. You don't need a degree to make these things. The manager would be delighted if she would just stay on for more than a few months.
Zero experience in the food industry? James, she not making sushi; she's serving smoothies. You don't need a degree to make these things. The manager would be delighted if she would just stay on for more than a few months.
Phil
True. Still, the fact that her resume consists of, among other things, working at a chemical plant and an animal hospital is likely to turn off the manager. I'm sure there're managers out there with such prejudices, no matter how unfounded. They have the image of their businesses to consider. I know there's a number of businesses out there, like Smoothie Shack, who want everything squeaky clean.
Otherwise, there's a number of reasons why Smoothie Shack wouldn't hire Cindy. I'm sure I could think of more. Personally, I'd rather not pick and choose draft after draft before finding the right one. Perhaps it'd be better just to omit the Miranda/manager scene and let the reader make up whatever reason why Cindy wasn't hired. A cop out perhaps, but the information really isn't that important. I just figured people would want to know why Cindy's friend couldn't get her a job.
Worst comes to worst, I'll just change the Smoothie Shack to a sushi bar .
pg 2, You need to end each scene with high note since yours is a thiller. I would just cut cindy's sure to just throwing mop down, then next scene starts as cindy sits down. If those other description/visuals play a part in pushing plot forward thenkeep them, if not cut...
period after go" on pg 4
You need to tighen you descriptions. They are over written.
Example. "Cindy removes a glass from a cupboard, fill it with water from the sink and hands it to Miranda.
When you could simply Put "Cindy retrieves water from the kitch and hands it to miranda" Your writing is on point aswell, very few if any is,are or ING verbs so far.
Every scene must depend on another to push the story forward. Remove all scenes they does serve toward the push of the plot.
Remove all Cut to's. INT/EXt alreadysuggest the cut
I like your dialog already. Coming off clean
by page 19 - it dragging, only becuz its labelled a thiller, maybe taking to long to hook me in from the intially death at the beginning. This will be fixed when you cut back on the overly worded descriptions and scene removing.
pg 20. voice (o.s) - You should state who says this since you introduce them right after.
Should be able to finish later today. heading to bed now. It starting to pick up. Im at page 24.
on pg 26, Cindy friendlyness contradicts the tone set her meeting new people set by the manger and miranda "weird" But this friendly chat, why Im not to believe she coulda got the job with miranda
pg 31, always have a brief description b4 dialog when entering new scene
I think you r going into too much detail in description, but doin this cuz the suspense to drag out instead of on going. Remember to say the most with least words possible
by page 40, this has the feel os hostel, which isnt a bad thing
so by page 50, you are describing well what is going on and I can pretty much see it.
pg 58" Yuk boss gets mad, people die" LOL, i like this line pg 64, making eye conact and then brain explodes" nice I like your setup of almostout and then death
Something just hit me that doesnt ring true. Japn guy said" it will just lead back to McCain" But since he is dead..who killed him? The time factor here is not right. they would have to clean everything up so not make it look like a struggle which involved more people to simply go ahead and remove his parts and stuff. Without making this a rush for time, there is no since of urgencyfor things to come.
I dont think they girl would be making so much noise breakin a phonewhen people still around trying to kill her.
pg 66, they dont know that for sure since, she could have called b4 they cut the wire. And seriously, why am I to believe she didnt try to use the receptionists phone like mccains office had the only phone in the entire building?
g77, no need to have no response, it is evident she doesnt reply by the next action as written.
I think it is liche that the dood getting in hot tub/sauna has he o'so many tattoos/dragon
by page 84, cindy has squeezed off a total of 14 bullets with a pistol and no reloading... i find this very odd and hard to believe she has become this proficeent killer.
I mean really y is she trying to kill everyone and not trying to get out of this place? I mean he one thing if she kills some1 on her way out, but this is moving like she is seeking anyone and everyone out. by page 84 she has fired like 20 some odd bullets stil without reloading... yet ichiban's pistol goes empty rather too quick..
ichiban curses in japanese" this is telling us.... show us he curses
pg 89. this would be 1st missed spelled wrong I've good across. heals, should be "heels"
pg 89, damn this girl is running everywhere but out of the building...
this line on page 91 by ichiban comes off alil cheesey and too much, for what is happening
it just ends... where is the closure? Yea she changed but its hard for me to bite then goes on a killin rampage, and not once just trying to get out of where she out. I felt extreme lack of story/dialogue after the funeral home, just alot of action.
You are good writer and presented it well. I read you plan onchanging 3d act, which I believe will serve better to complete this thiller. Good job
For the most part, it sounds like what I need to do is tighten things up. You also made some good points about Cindy's attempt to call the authorities. I have to admit I forgot about the phone at the receptionist desk... of course, they'll cut the line on that one as well. Cindy also wouldn't make such a racket in McCain's office. You're definitely right.
Perhaps, I should have mentioned the third act is already gone. Completely. As are the Yakuza. Nevertheless, I feel you've misinterpreted some things. Cindy is at no point a proficient killer. She is constantly misfiring, even at point blank range. She's able to perservere due to luck and surprise. Additionally, Cindy changes guns three times. She starts with Shigeo's pistol, switches to the first dead bodyguard, then takes a third from one in the recreation room. That's a lot of bullets.
Also, the dragon tattoo is not a cliche at all. Tattoos are a status symbol within the Yakuza. If Yukio weren't tattooed, he would not be a boss. He might not even be a Yakuza. Tattoos are fact, not style.
The abrupt ending, which will remain in the next draft, I've explained already.
Thanks again for the read. I'll certainly take your comments into consideration in the rewrite. Since some scenes are completely brand new, I'll be putting it aside for two weeks after it's been revised then give another once over.
I'll try to have a review for Unholy Cry posted tonight or tomorrow.
Oh, and while they're no longer part of Black Market, the Yakuza will be back. Oh, they'll be back. Just not in Cindy's world .
Additionally, Cindy changes guns three times. She starts with Shigeo's pistol, switches to the first dead bodyguard, then takes a third from one in the recreation room. That's a lot of bullets.
Also, the dragon tattoo is not a cliche at all. Tattoos are a status symbol within the Yakuza. If Yukio weren't tattooed, he would not be a boss. He might not even be a Yakuza. Tattoos are fact, not style.
The abrupt ending, which will remain in the next draft, I've explained already.
Thanks again for the read. I'll certainly take your comments into consideration in the rewrite. Since some scenes are completely brand new, I'll be putting it aside for two weeks after it's been revised then give another once over.
K, let me know when and Ill try and read new draft
I'll try to have a review for Unholy Cry posted tonight or tomorrow.
I really like reading your actions lines. In a lot of scripts it seems like the most boring part, but not in this one.
I don’t see any reason why not to get more exact with Cindy’s age. It may not seem like a big deal, but 29 year old peeps are a lot different from 20 year olds.
Cindy’s Boss’s monologue is long and boring to read. You should shorten it.
On page 4 is it necessary to show Cindy waiting in the train station and walking down the industrial street? What if she leaves the factory and then you show her walking down the apartment hallway.
I wouldn’t state Cindy is shown from the “shoulders up” taking a shower. That’s not your decision, it’s the directors. I guess you’re obviously trying to refrain from nudity, but once again I feel it’s an unneeded note.
I’m beginning to have mixed feelings about all of your descriptions. At first I thought it was a nice style thing, but after reading about Cindy eating her cereal - I dunno. I just don’t think a lot of them are needed and on-screen it could get mighty boring.
Around page 11, Cindy and Miranda’s conversation at the Smoothie bar doesn’t push the story forward at all.
Not trying to be a jerk here, but it’s always good to make your first few pages (normally first ten) of your script to be very interesting and yours isn’t. It’s redundant and a little boring. No one wants to read around 11-12 pages of Cindy writing her book and talking with Miranda.
On page 18, there’s a Dissolve to. I’m sure you’ve heard those are a little frowned upon, but they’re definitely ways around them. Just don’t show Cindy walk through the door with the applications. Just begin the scene with her finishing them. I read in a screenwriting book that you should begin each scene at the last possible moment.
How come on page 20 you decided to state the Japanese men names? Why not earlier?
FINALLY! On page 22 the story finally is eased forward a little bit. You need to speed that up some.
Too long of an exponential dump on page 30.
A lot of action descriptions and little talking – that can get boring for a reader. Some of the action line congested pages were somewhat interesting, but just imagine how good those pages would be with some kind of dialogue.
Loved the eye part with Buddy.
The scene where Cindy has the gun taken from her - I can’t quite put my finger on what I didn’t like about it. For some reason I just thought that scene was really fake.
This Shiego character is really freaky. I think more characters like him are needed. He’s really different from all the others.
The butt of the pistol to crotch really got me squirming.
I thought the ending was really cool. The last fight scene with Ichiban and Cindy was very entertaining to read and visualize.
Overall: Okay this was a great read, but there are some problems. First off you really need to re-write the beginning. It’s fairly boring and very redundant. Miranda’s character isn’t even shown again after Cindy’s kidnapped. What if you found a way to work her back into the script again?
It was fun how descriptive you got with the action lines, but you shouldn’t over do it. Especially in the beginning. In the beginning it felt like you were trying to add to much filler.
Then ending was good with Ichiban, but I can’t imagine the movie ending the way you have it. I think it’s a little too abrupt. She shuts the door the car, then fade to black?
Overall nice work.
Good Luck.
"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day
Thanks for the review. I completely agree with you about the first act. There's a whole bunch of stuff that doesn't need to be there. It's gone already. I appreciate your comments, nevertheless. I'll take a look back at the boss' monologue and see what I can do. I'm still going to give this one more look before posting the rewrite.
I'm glad you brought up Miranda's character. I think one or two people brought her up regarding the same issue as well. Her role does need to be expanded, doesn't it. I've brought her back in the rewrite though in a way people might not expect. Nevertheless, her role has considerably more relevance.
Glad you liked the Shigeo character. He was supposed to get under people's skin. Either that or make people hate his guts. I wanted him to be a really sick bastard and he is. Unfortunately, Shigeo and the Yakuza are gone. Perhaps he might pop up in a later work in one form or another.
James - My advice to you is simple, you have a great premise and you have obvious talent at writing, but you need to work on developing your characters (Cindy, the bad guys) in a way that we care about them, at least enough to want to see if they will live or die. For Cindy, you give her a lot of time at the beginning, which hypothetically would make the audience relate to her, however, it doesn't. Nothing that Cindy does at the beginning stands out or makes me want to cheer for her. She actually seems a bit "peculiar" at the beginning, being so happy about being fired. If she was that unhappy wih her job, wouldn't she just quit? This makes her seem like a person who can't take initiative. As for the villains of the story, I enjoy the Japanese twist to it, although it has been done before. I wish that you could make these characters more 3-dimensional. They felt more like stereotypes.
The action scenes and death scenes are very well written and they kept me reading the script, but when I got to the end, I found myself thinking, "Good, but not 'whoa' material." I needed to feel more of a connection with the characters, any of them would have helped. I didn't get this from any angle and that weakened the story for me. If you work on character development, this script would definitely get an A+ from me. And I think this is more of a horror rather than a thriller. I love horrors and this didn't disapoint, it just needs a bit of work in some places.
DDP
Edit: After reading other comments in this thread, I wanted to clarify that although I don't think your first act is the strongest, I wouldn't recommend you doing away with it completely. I enjoy the whole background of Cindy getting fired and needing a job, ect, but I just didn't connect with her. Her personality needs retouching, not necessarily what is going on in her life. Also, I like that she was writing a book, and I actually thought the whole "heroine turning into a monster" in her novel was going to be a foreshadowing for her own life.
I'm going to have to disagree with you in regards to developing the characters. I understand not everyone's going to relate to these characters but they're most certainly developed. By the time the first act is over, you get to know Cindy on a very personal level. Miranda as well. You may find her peculiar but that's quite subjective. The case would be the same were Cindy too "normal." Some people might not find her peculiar or, perhaps a better word, interesting enough. Can't win them all is the way I look at it when it comes to characters. I'll give as much information on them as I can and try to make them likeable and relatable on some level but beyond that, I think people's opinions take over.
The same is not the case with the bad guys. McCain is developed but in a very unconventional way that is somewhat daunting, I realize. Within his exposition, I've mixed truth with lies. What he says about his father is true. What he says about his family is not. He is a really slippery, depraved character. You are correct to say he is somewhat underdeveloped however. His role has been expanded considerably in the rewrite. I've taken other reviewers' advice and kept him the main baddie. He's definitely a lot more solid a character now.
The Yakuza and Shigeo are also somewhat underdeveloped. They're the ones pulling the strings but they're still secondary characters basically. I developed them. They all have their own view points but their development is more basic than it is complex. I still wouldn't call them flat though. Nevertheless, they're gone from Black Market, but they'll definitely be back. I'll definitely take your comments into consideration for the future.
Anyway, thanks for the review. I appreciate your comments.
I'm going to have to disagree with you in regards to developing the characters. I understand not everyone's going to relate to these characters but they're most certainly developed. By the time the first act is over, you get to know Cindy on a very personal level.
James, I didn't mean to imply that Cindy is underdeveloped. I think she IS developed. It's just that the glimpses of her life you have chosen to write about are a bit bland and repetative, especially her interactions with Miranda.
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Miranda as well.
Here I have to disagree. I found this character to be very two-dimensional.
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You may find her peculiar but that's quite subjective. The case would be the same were Cindy too "normal." Some people might not find her peculiar or, perhaps a better word, interesting enough. Can't win them all is the way I look at it when it comes to characters.
If you reread my review, you'll see that my problem wasn't that Cindy was peculiar, but rather that the way she acts at the beginning characterizes her as a person who doesn't take initiative. Her being your female lead, I would think you would want to portray her quite the opposite. Then again, I can see someone arguing that not everyone female lead has to be perfect, etc. So, point taken.
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I'll give as much information on them as I can and try to make them likeable and relatable on some level but beyond that, I think people's opinions take over.
Sure, I agree.
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To me, as I stated, where it gets a little wearing is that Cindy doesn't have much of a variety of things to do through these pages. I would like to see her maybe, hmm, talk with her mother? Meet a guy? Just thoughts.
Yes, I agree with Heretic here. This is what I meant. I like the idea of Cindy meeting a guy, this way, it can give the false impression that things are getting better for Cindy. She is about to get a job, and then, she meets a guy. The reader thinks, "Good for her, things are finally going her way," and then, BAM! She's stuck in the middle of this black market scheme.
James, I didn't mean to imply that Cindy is underdeveloped. I think she IS developed. It's just that the glimpses of her life you have chosen to write about are a bit bland and repetative, especially her interactions with Miranda.
I suppose that's a fair assessment. I mean, I did have Cindy doing the exact same things for three days. I had my reasons, they just weren't good ones. Nevertheless, this is no longer the case. What's not needed is now gone.
Here I have to disagree. I found this character to be very two-dimensional.
I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. Miranda has opinions on life and a point-of-view that is uniquely her own and she makes it known within the first act. Her development is basic but she's a secondary character so I didn't feel the need to develop her any more.
If you reread my review, you'll see that my problem wasn't that Cindy was peculiar, but rather that the way she acts at the beginning characterizes her as a person who doesn't take initiative. Her being your female lead, I would think you would want to portray her quite the opposite. Then again, I can see someone arguing that not everyone female lead has to be perfect, etc. So, point taken.
Hmm... Well, you did use the word "peculiar." I guess that's what stood out to me as others have mentioned the same thing. As for Cindy not taking initiative, I suppose I didn't respond to that because I agree. I intended her to be that way. That's part of her arc after all. She's not just a monster at the end of the story. She sees an opportunity with the money and she takes it. She's getting ahead, not getting by. I've emphasized this further in the rewrite.
And yes, I don't like for my leads to be perfect. I don't even like for them to have their lives in reasonable order. Flaws make characters seem real, which is what I like to go for. As for Cindy's eccentricities, well, they always make characters more interesting.
Yes, I agree with Heretic here. This is what I meant. I like the idea of Cindy meeting a guy, this way, it can give the false impression that things are getting better for Cindy. She is about to get a job, and then, she meets a guy. The reader thinks, "Good for her, things are finally going her way," and then, BAM! She's stuck in the middle of this black market scheme.
I think such characters would be pointless and drag the story too much. While there're a few scenes intended to be grabbers in the first act but the story really doesn't kick into high gear until 30 pages or so. That's pushing it a little, I suppose, but I like a build so I'll do my best to get away with it. This time around, I don't think I was so lucky. The new draft is a different story. Nevertheless, I think the addition of a guy or Cindy's mom would be too much.
Anyway, I hope you don't take any of this personally. I appreciate all comments but I also appreciate a healthy debate, which is exactly what I think this is. None of my scripts are without their flaws and I'll always try to look at things from someone else's perspective but there's some stuff I feel obligated to defend even if others disagree.
the new scene with dr knox, the info delievered here seem on the nose and i know what u r trying to get across perhaps, reconfigure so u get it across without necessary saying it?
Now that im reading this a 2nd time. I dont even think u need to show manager talking to miranda about not hiring her.... You dont even bring up later about her not even so work there, so def manager scene can go....you could just say later miranda say, manager said we are okay for now, but will need summer help in about a month" something along those lines.
by page 18, its flowing alot alot better now then previous, congrats on that
coo, u gave buddy and her brief back story.... better
pg 22- i think buddy's reason is not needed, does cindy really have a reason? no she just need a job, like buddy he just wants a job and his mom knows the owner... end of story there on why they are going for interview.
pg 25- u need description b4 dialog on every scene
side note, good good.. u meet the 1st act requirement... page 25, old world is gone and now she is in for a new one. i think u can cut down more on page 28 with the mortician. You describe almost every detail. Need to simply more. Get to the main parts. You have two page of description of things that happen to a guy we know nothing about or care for.
pg 31. I think u are over using the finallies. The one here is not even needed p32. How does the audience know what is filled with the syringe, besides blood??? fix
did you realize you have 5 pages of utter description before word of dialogue is spoken?? This has to be condensed!! 30-35. Time to really nit pick
pg 35- avoid the use, suddenly, again, now and still. Actions occur in he order you write them. those words r unecessary. pg 42- really strikes my od this mortician fighting too immobile people, doesnt shout... call for help and call names. To alert others. page 43- cindy saying " no you're not"... how does she know? she lost a eye b4? She doesnt need to say this here. 52- loose my license," was that a attempt of humor from knox? To me this person would try and be funny. We know he risks going to jail for murder if this place is caught...
53-54 diaglogue between knox and mcCaine is really doesnt work for me. Too much of cheesy talk for the exposition delievered. Less is more sometimes.
I really dont by he doesnt check, just for the shakeof being caught in this dirty business., i know u triedto justify it, but it would have took a second to look. would work much better if he did but cindy had moved during their convo
missing period after buddy, page 56
nice rekill of buddy
u still have the her making alot of noise with the phone.... she should be out of there by now...sae to call like know said
pg 61, y doesnt cindy try to out out another way then the 1st? Back or side.. away from them! Especially since she found this briefcase of money
62- again why r we to believe mcCain was only room to have a phone line. I know i said this before.. the receptionist has a phone too!!
pg63.. power, influence.. a doctor has this?
you really need to have DREAM in heading.. then end dream when it is over
I really didnt see the point of the dream. Trying to convey the stuff about the money?
You really need to give the doctor and assistant real names.. she speak enuff to have real names by page 70.. i think i preffered other draft, its was more interesting no the less.
72- why is cindy goin unconscious again for like the 3rd time? And I dont see a clear reason for this time. Cuz she is cold and tired....how could shesleep with life on the line??? I dunno, im just not feeling dr. knox rants, while working on a body. Cuz its nthing new. you have been working on body parts since page 28 or 30... 40 pages later,, cindy is right back where she started.
pg 74 stahll by stall... is kinda cliche
you are taking to long mccain vs knox... these are bad guys why dont wanna see them forever after eachother. We wanna see Cindy struggle to get out of situation. There should have been some cutting to cindy between these two, her trying to get out.
78- I'm not liken their dialogue... forced and unatural 79- okay, u just confused the hell out of me. barke hospital scenes needs begin flashback and end when it is over. 80- its been 8 pages since we seen out protagonist cindy. This was wy to long to be focuing on the bad guys we care less about.. them gettin even with eachother.
81- was is she confessing this to her. He set her up to be kille at the very begining.. I dont buy this behavior from him. 82 - flash again for this scene. I dont think u need this scene just to clarify he cant have children? I mean it really isnt a big deal just for him to say this. I know u was doin show not tell, but it is a tell in the show here.
83- mother her children... this is just gettin silly.
Again with the scene heading.with a crazy dream, this going against the theme realistics on your story. It doesnt fit in this realm.
Why did cindy leave the money there in the office, then try to leave out the front only to confront knox. When exactly did she plan on retrieving it if she got away at the time.
She breaks out of the home with the ambulance, just to go back and get the money... Its hard to chew all of this. and it ends without any closure.
I honestly didnt like this new 2nd and third act. 75 pages of being stuck in the building. She could have escaped plenty of times. And yet she stays and gets caught twice. I think in order for this script to work, she need to escape and shit happens to her outside of this funeral. Maybe they have her license info and now they go to clean up the mess.
Overall, you did improve the 1st act greatly. Just the rest didnt help with what you set up. Your description are OVERLY written. you say so much detail to the point of the person blinks... Simplify, simplify, simplify.
I know all of this is not what you would like to hear. Its just my honest opinion. Good luck with new draft. Ill b here again if you need a read. I'm about to start my 5th draft.
I'm sorry you didn't like the new ending. Nevertheless, I think there were a few things you misunderstood...
I sort of understand where you're coming from with the dream sequence. It was kind of a gamble but I still think it has its purpose. Its not intended to forward the plot in anyway but contribute to Cindy's character arc. She starts out as a person who doesn't see the value in money and lives life just to get by. In the end, she's the polar opposite. The dream sequences were intended for Cindy to reflect on everything that's happened to her and essentially reevaluate not only her circumstances but her life. The surreality of the dream is quite a major contrast from everything else that's going on though. Good point.
You complain about Cindy's missed opportunities of escape. Fact is, she only has one when she turns back to rescue Buddy. I thought with their newly written connection, it'd make sense for her to do such a thing. Afterwards, Knox locks the gates to the funeral home thus she can't escape without his help. Their confrontation is unavoidable. When she's back in the waiting room, the doorknob is broken off so she can't very well get out. You did bring up the receptionist phone again though. How stupid of me! I wrote a note right smack dab in the middle of that particular scene after I read your post so I won't forget to fix it again.
As for McCain's plans for Cindy, he didn't intend to kill Cindy at any point. He meant to only harvest organs she could live without and allow her to recover following the harvesting. I made note of such a recovery but perhaps his plan still wasn't obvious enough. I'll rewrite the scene so it's more so. As for McCain artificially inseminating Cindy being silly, well, that's a matter of opinion. I was going for something sick. As much as I think it's a shame you found it silly, there's really nothing much I can do about it.
As for the silly/cheesy dialogue, again, it's a matter of opinion. I reread the scenes you mentioned and didn't see what the problem was.
I also mentioned that the syringe fills with bone marrow. Look back and see if you don't find the description.
Then there's where you are 100% right...
Knox vs. McCain. I know they're bad guys. No one cares what happens to either. I was hoping the suspense would lie in which villain Cindy would ultimately face. Nevertheless, the fact remains Cindy is the main character and the focus should remain on her. I'll try to intercut the Knox vs. McCain sequence with scenes of her.
Miranda's exchange with her boss/McCain's flashback. Neither of them are needed. You're absolutely right. Consider them gone. Buddy's explanation for why he's working at the funeral home, on the other hand, I disagree. It needs to be there. It develops his character and aims to make him sympathetic.
And yes, I do tend to lay descriptions on pretty thick. I'm still trying to cut down on that. It's a bad habit.
The rest of your notes, I found to be pretty helpful. Thanks for taking the time to read this again .
Buddy's explanation for why he's working at the funeral home, on the other hand, I disagree. It needs to be there. It develops his character and aims to make him sympathetic.
I knew what u was going for. But the story of him just wanting to work, and he took his dog in for treatment felt enough for me. What more sympathetic then just a young kid looking for his 1st job ad ends up cut up?
No I didnt have a problem with her goin back for buddy. Its after that between the time he dies and she goes for the phone, til she is caught again.
She could easy see they were out front and looks for alternate escape route, perhaps out back?
Never thought of a back route. Oh well. No worries. Being a writer, I find it quite easy to throw some permanent debris in a character's escape route, hehe.
Bone marrow is gelatinous in appearance. It'd look different for sure. Even if it can't be shown on screen that it's bone marrow everyone's looking at, that's still what it is. People will still understand its being harvested and sold. That's what counts.
pg 1 - in description, no need to repeat we're instorage room when it's in the slugline.
pg 6 - "Cindy retrieves of glass of water"
pg 9 - The wording confuses me. I think the assistent takes the folders away, right? So, you should put that other than putting "the doctor", as Knox is a doctor as well, put the assistant as he's listed when he speaks.
pg 9 - "plat" = plate.
pg 9 - significance of answering the door? show the delivery guy.
pg 10 - MIRANDA - "It’s not like in college where they just stick with any random person."
pg 11 - Maybe you should use a new slugline for when Cindy enters the kitchen.
pg 12 - MIRANDA'S BOSS - Miranda, could I see you in the back for a moment (?)
pg 12 - you have it in description that they go into the backroom and then signify it again in next slugline, and then have "Miranda and her boss enter a cramped storage room" in the next description. not really necessary and all redundant.
pg 12 - Miranda - "Is that a problem (?)"
pg 13 - You say after she fills out applications she climbs into bed, yet never have her leave the kitchen.
pg 17 - Describe If the voice is a man or woman?
pg 22 - "unseen figure" seems odd to use, since we can see what he is doing, so we ould get more of an idea of what it is. Maybe "silhouette of a man" or a figure in the shadows or something'd be better.
pg 23 - "Make turns four framed photographs on his desk" - I think you mean MCCAIN turns...
kudos on the parents heads cut out of the pictures by the frame. I don't know why, but that's a pretty creepy image to me.
pg 24 & 25 - have a little description when we rejoin McCain and Cindy
bottom pg 27 - "as he struggled to scream". And you should try to find your way around "is heards"
If the mortician is just gonna throw him into the fire anyways, why bother stiching him up?
Just a suggestion, but I think it would be a lot creepier if the embalming took place in the same room as Where Cindy is held in the tub, and she could see it all as it happens. I think you could have more fun with that, and it would give us more time with Cindy since we're pushed into all this prety quick.
More good imagery of Cindy in the hallway in plain sight, and her seeing the mortician's feet from under the table. Good way of creating tension. As well as her reluctant to cut the mortician, as I could see that happening.
I'm not sure how to feel about Buddy's eye. To me it actually makes me dislike Cindy a little because she could've stopped it, and why not just run in there and stab the mortician? I'd much rather see her make the noise and have him divert his attention just before doing anything to Buddy. I think that'd be more suspenseful.
pg 41 - "His eyelids to flutter involuntarily."
I think it'd be too hard for the mortician to kick Buddy with a crippled leg.
Nice pliers in the Adam's apple.
One thing I can't stand in horror movies is when they leave the bad guy to die. I think they'd just stab him as much as they can.
Knox smothering Buddy with his abdomen until he passes out seems a little odd. How about just some chloriform or a sedative instead. Or even a vulcan neck pinch or something'd be better.
pg 50 - "The airway is wide enough for Cindy fit inside but notenough to for her..."
I think Knox is too nonchalant about Cindy. He should be even MORE concerned if she escaped, cuz then she'd definitely get the cops, but he just seems like it's no big deal. Finding her is essential to their operation's livelihood. I think he would care a lot more.
more later...
"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin "I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson "It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush "Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck "What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face "Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15 "No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition "Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
pg 9 - significance of answering the door? show the delivery guy.
This is part of the routine of Cindy's other job. I wanted to show that this is basically an everyday thing for her. You get that Cindy gets paid for this from her exchange with Miranda but I figured maybe people would think this is just a one time thing.
Just a suggestion, but I think it would be a lot creepier if the embalming took place in the same room as Where Cindy is held in the tub, and she could see it all as it happens. I think you could have more fun with that, and it would give us more time with Cindy since we're pushed into all this prety quick.
That's an idea though if Cindy were going to be in the same room during the harvesting, she'd be in the embalming room. I'll think about it.
I'm not sure how to feel about Buddy's eye. To me it actually makes me dislike Cindy a little because she could've stopped it, and why not just run in there and stab the mortician? I'd much rather see her make the noise and have him divert his attention just before doing anything to Buddy. I think that'd be more suspenseful.
I think Knox is too nonchalant about Cindy. He should be even MORE concerned if she escaped, cuz then she'd definitely get the cops, but he just seems like it's no big deal. Finding her is essential to their operation's livelihood. I think he would care a lot more.
The way Knox sees it, if indeed Cindy did escape, she wouldn't be able to contact the police in time to catch him and his assistant at work. He doesn't care if they search the funeral home. They're not going to find anything connected to him.
Nevertheless, I think it'd be more believable if they did a little searching. Maybe Knox's assistant could talk him into it. I think it might work better that way. This new draft's down to less than 90 pages. I could afford a couple more.
Thanks again. Look forward to the rest of your review.
This is part of the routine of Cindy's other job. I wanted to show that this is basically an everyday thing for her. You get that Cindy gets paid for this from her exchange with Miranda but I figured maybe people would think this is just a one time thing.
Yeah, I forgot to elaborate, those were just the notes that I forgot to fix, but I meant I knew she was answering the door because of her other job, but you don't signify it in the screenplay. You just say she gets up and answers the door, but you should have the delivery guy standing on the otherside of the door, which you don't.
Yeah, but it's like that "like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest" joke. You need two legs to kick, if one is crippled, then he won't have anything to stand on while he kicks with the other leg.
pg 56 -"before the ambulance driver appears behind him and slits in throat with a scalpel." and if Buddy's so expendable, why not just kill him when he first encountered Knox?
I loved the dream sequences with Cindy and McCain. Weird stuff. Nice.
Why didn't Cindy call the cops from the receptionist's phone after she told him to scram?
pg 71 - "and a bottle or rubbing alcohol."
pg 84 - "...between the two of them on floor."
pg 87 - "...and proceeds past an McCain."
Didn't Cindy find her cell phone? Where are the cops?
I am also confused by McCain's intentions. I don't know what was in the dropper for one. Also, I don't know much about the subject, but if he has bad sperm, then would he be able to create new kids with Cindy either anyways. But even if they could extract sperm from him, once again I'm not an expert on how that works, but he said that he told the surgeon to take it easy on Cindy, but she would still not be able to live if they removed her organs, unless he just wanted her eggs. But he said he wanted her as a wife, so I'm confused abot how that's supposed to work.
McCain's head crushing in the ambulance was cool, but I'd rather see Cindy fry his head with a defribulator paddle on both sides of his head.
I also find it hard to believe that Cindy would re-enter the funeral home. The money was a cool ending, but unlikely since she doesn't know that Knox and the others are dead. Unless I missed something, but I don't remember McCain saying Knox was dead.
Other Negatives: Lots of logic questions, and a lot of the dialogue I felt fell flat. I feel you could cut a lot of it out. To me a lot of the surgeon scenes, particularly when Cindy first awakened in the tub reminded me of Hostel a lot. The bit about Knox saying "a surgeon has the power to determine whether one lives or dies" seems kinda like what the business man says as well. I found myself finding a lot of similarities to Hostel along the way, so you might want to fine tune some things to give them a little more originality here and there and think of some new ways to approach the similar territories. I also think, and this is more personal than anything, but there wasn't a whole lot of emotion I thought. I can't put my finger on it but some dynamic just seemed missing, like you needed another side story with Cindy to make us care for her a little more. Because right now, she just seems like any ordinary girl who got caught in a bad situation, but she's not really wrestling with anything. Personally, In horror types like this, I like to see the problem mirror the emotional struggle in the character. Like Silence of the Lambs for example and the angle of catching the killer so she could silence the lambs. Like maybe Cindy has a brother who died, and she sees that in Buddy, or she botches all of her interviews on purpose, but Miranda gives her a pep talk or something, and that gives more relevance to the interview at the funeral home or something. But right now, it's just someone who goes to a job interview and blam, she's knocked out. Which is probably what you intended, but like I said, it's more of a personal critique. I think you could have a little more intro of cindy before we're thrown into the black market stuff.
Positives: Cindy was a cool lead. I think she was the main strength of the story. Even though I think you could flesh her out a little more, I could relate to her and I liked her and wanted to see her make it out. She's what kept me interested mostly. I also must commend your use of a female lead. You are also very good at creating suspense and tension, and you had a lot of cool death scenes and gore, I mean, you even had a defribulator as a weapon, nice. I also dig your descriptive style. And I think a lot of your logic problems are easily fixable with just some rearraging and cutting. Cuz it's pretty short, but think you could cut out some of the black market stuff, and put in some more with cindy at the beginning. And that's my two cents.
"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin "I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson "It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush "Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck "What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face "Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15 "No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition "Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
Yeah, I forgot to elaborate, those were just the notes that I forgot to fix, but I meant I knew she was answering the door because of her other job, but you don't signify it in the screenplay. You just say she gets up and answers the door, but you should have the delivery guy standing on the otherside of the door, which you don't.
Last time I checked, Cindy isn't even in her apartment when the delivery man arrives. She's returning from her job and runs into him.
Yeah, but it's like that "like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest" joke. You need two legs to kick, if one is crippled, then he won't have anything to stand on while he kicks with the other leg.
The guy's supposed to be lying on the floor. Maybe I forgot to mention that. I'll go back and check.
Didn't Cindy find her cell phone? Where are the cops?
Oof! Never thought about the first comment. The second, I didn't consider Cindy would search for her cell phone. I'm a stickler about logistics yet somehow, these things got past me. No worries. I'm going to get rid of both phones in the funeral home and just change them to speaker boxes. It makes more sense that way, anyway. I can't imagine Knox would want calls to Burke & Hare on the funeral home's list of calls. McCain would use his cell instead, I imagine.
As for Cindy and Buddy's cellphones, I'll have McCain destroy them. Cindy'll find them in his office.
I am also confused by McCain's intentions. I don't know what was in the dropper for one. Also, I don't know much about the subject, but if he has bad sperm, then would he be able to create new kids with Cindy either anyways. But even if they could extract sperm from him, once again I'm not an expert on how that works, but he said that he told the surgeon to take it easy on Cindy, but she would still not be able to live if they removed her organs, unless he just wanted her eggs. But he said he wanted her as a wife, so I'm confused abot how that's supposed to work.
I made an attempt to keep McCain's intentions subtle but clear enough for the reader/viewer to put the pieces together. I obviously didn't do a good job. Anyway, in case you missed this as well, the plastic cup contains the contents of the "sample" Knox refers to. It's actually donor sperm, which McCain uses to try and artificially inseminate Cindy. I wanted McCain's plot to be more disturbing on a psychological level but as soon as you describe him filling a dropper full of semen, this becomes Pink Flamingoes. I didn't want that but I guess I need to make note of it one way or another. As for Cindy dying after the harvesting, I imagined McCain intended to harvest only a kidney or so and some bone marrow to keep Knox happy but still have Cindy pull through in the end... or something to that effect. I'll make note of that as well.
McCain's head crushing in the ambulance was cool, but I'd rather see Cindy fry his head with a defribulator paddle on both sides of his head.
After he gets shocked the second time, McCain is basically mentally retarded. I didn't think Cindy was heartless enough to kill him off in such a direct way after that so I went with the head crushing. I'm satisfied with it. Besides, I don't think the defribulator paddle would "fry" his head as you say. I went with internal bleeding instead. More painful .
I also find it hard to believe that Cindy would re-enter the funeral home. The money was a cool ending, but unlikely since she doesn't know that Knox and the others are dead. Unless I missed something, but I don't remember McCain saying Knox was dead.
I could always have Knox crawl out of the utility room and die in the hallway. That'd fix things, wouldn't it?
Lots of logic questions, and a lot of the dialogue I felt fell flat. I feel you could cut a lot of it out. To me a lot of the surgeon scenes, particularly when Cindy first awakened in the tub reminded me of Hostel a lot. The bit about Knox saying "a surgeon has the power to determine whether one lives or dies" seems kinda like what the business man says as well. I found myself finding a lot of similarities to Hostel along the way, so you might want to fine tune some things to give them a little more originality here and there and think of some new ways to approach the similar territories.
I can understand why you would think Knox's dialogue is similar to the Dutch Businessman's in Hostel but I think it's fundamentally different. I'll consider rewording it nevertheless. Other than that, I don't see any Hostel similarities. Hostel is about paying for torture. This is about illegal organ harvesting. I don't see the connection. Hostel also wasn't the first horror movie to feature a surgeon going to work slicing someone up in a decrepit basement or someone waking up in a dark room wondering where the fuck they are. This stuff has been going on since the '70s.
I also think, and this is more personal than anything, but there wasn't a whole lot of emotion I thought. I can't put my finger on it but some dynamic just seemed missing, like you needed another side story with Cindy to make us care for her a little more. Because right now, she just seems like any ordinary girl who got caught in a bad situation, but she's not really wrestling with anything. Personally, In horror types like this, I like to see the problem mirror the emotional struggle in the character. Like Silence of the Lambs for example and the angle of catching the killer so she could silence the lambs. Like maybe Cindy has a brother who died, and she sees that in Buddy, or she botches all of her interviews on purpose, but Miranda gives her a pep talk or something, and that gives more relevance to the interview at the funeral home or something. But right now, it's just someone who goes to a job interview and blam, she's knocked out. Which is probably what you intended, but like I said, it's more of a personal critique. I think you could have a little more intro of cindy before we're thrown into the black market stuff.
I don't know what more I can do for Cindy. I gave her a backstory, a personality, and a reason to care for her. And the plot did mirror her emotional struggles. Cindy starts out as someone who cares little about money then finds herself in an environment where money is the bottom line and ends up being corrupted by it. You, yourself, said you could relate to her and wanted to see her make it out. I've done my job then, haven't I? I'd like to think so.
Anyway, I'm glad you seemed to like the script (am I right?). I also appreciate you making note of the use of a female lead, I'm quite proud of that, and also the use of suspense throughout. It's my opinion films of this sort need more than just carnage. Your comments have been very helpful and I'll be sure to make good use of them during the rewrite. Thanks again for the review.
Last time I checked, Cindy isn't even in her apartment when the delivery man arrives. She's returning from her job and runs into him.
I was referring to this part...
INT. CINDY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Cindy types away at her computer in an impassioned, almost possessed, manner. A knock at the door. Cindy ceases and answers the door.
CUT TO:
Miranda sits at the table as Cindy fries two grilled cheese sandwiches at the stove. Cindy lifts one off the pan with a spatula and drops it onto a plat in front of Miranda.
MIRANDA Tomatoes?
CINDY Fresh out.
You just go from having her open the door to making grilled cheese, but you need to have the delivery guy mentioned, and/or have her say hi to him and sign for her stuff.
I made an attempt to keep McCain's intentions subtle but clear enough for the reader/viewer to put the pieces together. I obviously didn't do a good job. Anyway, in case you missed this as well, the plastic cup contains the contents of the "sample" Knox refers to. It's actually donor sperm, which McCain uses to try and artificially inseminate Cindy. I wanted McCain's plot to be more disturbing on a psychological level but as soon as you describe him filling a dropper full of semen, this becomes Pink Flamingoes. I didn't want that but I guess I need to make note of it one way or another. As for Cindy dying after the harvesting, I imagined McCain intended to harvest only a kidney or so and some bone marrow to keep Knox happy but still have Cindy pull through in the end... or something to that effect. I'll make note of that as well.
I don't quite buy this If the donor sperm is not his own, because then the kid would not be from himself. It would be some other dude and Cindy, and if he's gonna do that, he may as well just steal a baby and save himself a lot of trouble. I think to make this work you would have to have his sperm good, but his wife was barren.
After he gets shocked the second time, McCain is basically mentally retarded. I didn't think Cindy was heartless enough to kill him off in such a direct way after that so I went with the head crushing. I'm satisfied with it. Besides, I don't think the defribulator paddle would "fry" his head as you say. I went with internal bleeding instead. More painful .
Fair enough. I just thought that woulda been more hard core of Cindy.
I could always have Knox crawl out of the utility room and die in the hallway. That'd fix things, wouldn't it?
Whatever, just as long as Cindy knows that there's no risk in the building. I mean, would you go back in knowing you might be captured and harvested again? I think you'd just wanna get as far away from that place as possible.
I don't know what more I can do for Cindy. I gave her a backstory, a personality, and a reason to care for her. And the plot did mirror her emotional struggles. Cindy starts out as someone who cares little about money then finds herself in an environment where money is the bottom line and ends up being corrupted by it. You, yourself, said you could relate to her and wanted to see her make it out. I've done my job then, haven't I? I'd like to think so.
Yeah, it's hard to explain, like I said I can't quite put my finger on the problem, but it's like I like Cindy and all, as in I don't wanna see her die, but there's not much else going for her. Sure we know she's a nice person and all that, but what we know about her is more factual. We know she's writing a book, and needs a job, but doesn't like to work, but we don't really know much else about her inside. I mean, sure it works, and we can all relate to looking for a job and all, but I think you could delve deeper into the character. As it is, it's sorta like just the bare minimum of what we NEED to know about her, but I would LIKE to know more about her. I hope I'm making sense. Like I said, that may just be personal though. and I did realize that the conflict did mirror her struggles a bit, but I don't really consider realizing the value of money a true virtue to learn, unless you're Donald Trump, so I'd just like the battle to be more emotional is all.
But I did like this, but just think it could be better. Cuz you do write very well, I think you could polish it up a lot more.
"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin "I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson "It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush "Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck "What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face "Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15 "No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition "Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
Cindy types away at her computer in an impassioned, almost possessed, manner. A knock at the door. Cindy ceases and answers the door.
CUT TO:
Miranda sits at the table as Cindy fries two grilled cheese sandwiches at the stove. Cindy lifts one off the pan with a spatula and drops it onto a plat in front of Miranda.
MIRANDA Tomatoes?
CINDY Fresh out.
You just go from having her open the door to making grilled cheese, but you need to have the delivery guy mentioned, and/or have her say hi to him and sign for her stuff.
Gotcha. I guess there isn't any significance to Cindy answering the door then. It's Miranda on the other side, not the delivery man BTW.
I don't quite buy this If the donor sperm is not his own, because then the kid would not be from himself. It would be some other dude and Cindy, and if he's gonna do that, he may as well just steal a baby and save himself a lot of trouble. I think to make this work you would have to have his sperm good, but his wife was barren.
Basically, the whole reason donor sperm exists is because of infertility therefore this probably happens a lot. Sure, the idea of having a kid you didn't help produce sucks for some people but if you're shooting blanks, it's better than no kid at all. I doubt McCain cares. Additionally, McCain wants a wife as well as a kid. Why would he go through the trouble of stealing a baby (probably not an easy thing to do) and only get half the package when Cindy walks right into his funeral home? Even though McCain's plan can't and doesn't work out the way he wants it to, it certainly makes sense from his standpoint.
Yeah, it's hard to explain, like I said I can't quite put my finger on the problem, but it's like I like Cindy and all, as in I don't wanna see her die, but there's not much else going for her. Sure we know she's a nice person and all that, but what we know about her is more factual. We know she's writing a book, and needs a job, but doesn't like to work, but we don't really know much else about her inside. I mean, sure it works, and we can all relate to looking for a job and all, but I think you could delve deeper into the character. As it is, it's sorta like just the bare minimum of what we NEED to know about her, but I would LIKE to know more about her. I hope I'm making sense. Like I said, that may just be personal though. and I did realize that the conflict did mirror her struggles a bit, but I don't really consider realizing the value of money a true virtue to learn, unless you're Donald Trump, so I'd just like the battle to be more emotional is all.
You weren't the only one who seemed to feel this way. I care a lot about my characters. I'll consider developing Cindy's further. And for the record, Cindy "realizing the value of money" isn't meant to be a virtue at all. She is actually worse of a person when she comes out of the funeral home, which is what I intended.
You weren't the only one who seemed to feel this way. I care a lot about my characters. I'll consider developing Cindy's further. And for the record, Cindy "realizing the value of money" isn't meant to be a virtue at all. She is actually worse of a person when she comes out of the funeral home, which is what I intended.
This connection you keep referring too doesnt do it. Who in their right mind WOULD NOT take a suitcase full of money from some bad guys they tried to hurt, if she needed it or not.
Plus since its ends abruptly, we get no real closure of how this experience really changed her. Story needs resolution for her character.
I feel left out of the question /Answer of the new version!
This connection you keep referring too doesnt do it. Who in their right mind WOULD NOT take a suitcase full of money from some bad guys they tried to hurt, if she needed it or not.
Plus since its ends abruptly, we get no real closure of how this experience really changed her. Story needs resolution for her character.
I feel left out of the question /Answer of the new version!
Cindy turns around to take the money when at the beginning of the script, she regards it as next to nothing. Then there's the dream sequences. I can't imagine what else I could do to illustrate her character arc.
Also, I like to end scripts abruptly. I've never felt the need to show how characters behave upon returning to their "normal" lives when it's already apparent they've changed. I mean, what else is there to say? When it's over, it's over.
Yes, but is a development for lust money makes us care more about Cindy? That would work for a bad guy.. not for our hero
It's not supposed to. This isn't a happy ending by any means. I just wanted to see Cindy's character degenerate rather than evolve. It's sometimes much more interesting that way. It's not always neccesary to go with the Hollywood ending. Personally, I don't like to take that route. Then again, this has happened in plenty of Hollywood films. How about the Godfather? Is Al Pacino's character likeable in the end? Not really. This is just one of many examples.
Hi James, I have written this as I go along so I hope it helps or atleast gives you another person's view.
The opening is nice and crispy - literally. The burning segment is written well, Great start. Warms things up.
CINDY's BOSS - The dialouge he says when he speaks to Cindy could be trimmed? Nothing wrong with how it is written but he says a lot in one mouthful. I think if he just said the last few lines it would be effective enough. I think you can trim this down a little.
CINDY's reaction was quite funny and unexpected. She seems to have other plans. I see your point in making her freedom known with the description you give as she leaves the site ; goodbye old world , hello me kind of thing.
Well, CINDY does seem the nut job type with her conversation with MIRANDA alone, but we shall see. I agree with a lot she said, but was she looking at the monitor screen the whole time? Its only a small nit pick, but perhaps if she turned around to face MIRANDA it might come across a little better. As it is, its fine. But why MIRANDA would tolerate such a cold hearted response to coming round after doing her a favour is something you could look at. Nothing major though, just trying to find something where you could possibly make it better.
As we go a little further, CINDY just seems annoying to me. MIRANDA is the character I am liking the most out of the two simply because she can tolerate this person without giving her a big slap round the face. OK, I take that back now she's at the smoothie bar acting a little more normal and being kind of appreciative. Thank God you put this scene in because I was not liking her character at all.
Well at least CINDY is trying to get a job. Kind of strange how she acted before, and then had this sudden urge to become employed again. I thought she was happy with her severance pay and all? Anyhow, its good that she's trying to get back in to the system so to speak and it gives her character a much needed boost in the likliness stakes in my opinion.
At McCain's Funeral Home, I like the small but effective use of just using the character's shadows.
OK, Im liking CINDY a bit more now, some nice easy dialouge with MIRANDA and things seem to be kicking along now she has the invitation of a job at the funeral home.
I can believe that BUDDY may well be going to McCains funeral home as well as CINDY, similar interview times are pretty normal. But his age is only 14, Im sure you have checked but depending on his job, Im not sure if its even legal for under 18 to work in a place like that. Not sure why I think that - I'll have to check it out to be sure. BUDDY asking "if we can be friends" is OK and all, but sounds a little childish. He seems pretty mature for his age up to that point and asking that - I dont know - just seemed a little out of place and childish. Apart from that, the rest of the dialouge is fine.
The creepy little wave from the mortician is a nice little touch. Small things like that would look great visually, simple and creepy.
I didnt expect CINDY to be grabbed during the interview - nice timing!
P27-28: Great descriptions, excellently written.
Well, we have made a massive jump in pace at this point - the first 18 pages or so were well written but maybe some of the MIRANDA and CINDY dialouge could have been limited. I didnt really have a problem with it, might just be nitpicking, as you have to have some character development. But things are definitly on the go now.
The following with CINDY and the mortician was again, really well written and described. The scene was perfect, both in pace and description.
I liked the whole BUDDY situation, I was almost sure he was going to get his eye plucked out at one point which would have surprised me. The following scene involving him, CINDY and the other mortician is long but strong, really well written again and with a gory finish at the end of the scene.
Another great scene inside the morgue; very suspenful and nicely written. A complete change from the pace of the first 18 pages - which is expected of course but it is like a different movie/script all of a sudden.
P49 - Why does CINDY let the receptionist go? I would assume that they would be in with it.
P56- I think you mean slits his throat - but wow I didnt expect Buddy to bite the dust. There might be a problem with such a murder of a 14 year old kid, but for the story it is fine. Certainly dosnt bother me. You have me really into this story at the moment, it's unrelenting and easy to continue reading. Great stuff.
Just a thought - and Im going to have to back and check this - but Robert Knox could have been seen on TV when CINDY was sitting back at her place when she was writing her book or chatting with MIRANDA. Just a casual thing, an advertizement or an interview of some kind. Nothing in depth but before this, I dont think that KNOX is known to us as a television personality at all. There is loads of space and time in the first 18 pages to make the most of this.Of course, that might give the game away a little early but its just a thought.
You really threw me off point for a moment there with the unconcoius/dream sequence. That was great. Again really good stuff and I cant fault you for a thing.
With McCain still being alive - I dont know, seems a little far fetched. I guess it happened in the first Saw movie to Danny Glover's character, and Im not an expert on slit throats but I would have presumed that its a pretty serious injury. Still, I'm willing to buy it as everything else has been really good thus far.
P71- Did Knox really need to go all the way back to the amublance to treat his injury? Surely there must have been similar medical care where they were.
McCain's revelation is really quite surprising and you have taken another twist and turn with this completly. I really dont like it - but it does work and makes sense of his behaviour before with the photos. However, it takes the story to an extreme I dont think it needs to go.
I got done again with the dream sequence - for a moment I thought you had lost the plot. I think it works fine for a second time.
McCain is one tough cookie, I will say that. Maybe things have got a little over the top in this last act.
And onto the end which, yeah, it works, albeit seemingly a lot more over the top then I had expected when I was in the middle of the script.
Overall, very enjoyable if not a little dissapointed with the abrupt ending.I actually dont mind quick endings, I use them a lot myself, but it seemed very quick to finish after all the excellent writing you had previously seemed to take time on. Having said that, II have to say you sure seem to know your medical equipment so a big well done for a lot of research into it. The best scenes for me were when Cindy is just trying to get Buddy back - the whole pursuit was well written and pretty relentless. The characters, I actually liked Knox for some reason. McCain's resurection was a surprise to me although not entirely impossible, it kind of made me think "What the hell?". Cindy seemed different from the opening 18 pages to how she was in the rest of the script - although you cant really compare looking for a job to trying to escape some crazy psycopaths in a funeral home.
I liked it - some excellent writing and descriptions that were used at a good pace. The 2nd act is by far my favourite, if anything needed a little redo it might be the final act and McCain's revelation.
I found your comments to be very helpful, especially those regarding Cindy's character. Cindy's a strange bird and obviously takes some warming up to with some people but I never thought of her as cold hearted. Not sure how I feel about this. I'll skim over her dialogue again with your comments in mind. If you've picked up on something others haven't, I'll try to do something to make her come off as more appreciative. Buddy, on the other hand, isn't meant to be mature for his age but rather simply maturing. I thought that particular line worked as he's also meant to be a little shy. Also, Buddy's age in regards to working at the funeral home is completely inconsequential as the job interview is really a trap. I doubt they would hire him otherwise so I think your comment is well founded.
McCain's death is something else I should probably change as well. I actually didn't think it was that farfetched but then again, the only two factors I had to base that assumption on were Danny Glover's character in Saw and a real life occurrence in which someone survived such an injury. It is possible for someone to survive a throat slash however now that you mention it, it is a little hard to swallow (no pun intended ) that an injury delivered by a blade designed specifically to cut flesh is not fatal. I'll probably rewrite the scene with McCain being stabbed in the chest or something, if only to omit the Saw similarity.
Thanks again for the review. This weekend was busy and today wasn't much different so I haven't had a chance to read Malevolent II just yet. I'll start reading it tomorrow and have a review up ASAP.
No problem James, Im glad my review might have been of some use and thanks for the review on Malevolent II.
I dont think the Buddy thing is really a big deal and it probably is fine as it is. I just watched Hostel tonight for the first time - I wasnt really keen on seeing it which is why it has taken me 2 years to finally get it over with - and I can see a similarity between that and Black Market. I have to say you have written a much better story and have made it a lot more entertaining then I was with Hostel.
All the best with any future works or rewrites on this one, and I'll be sure to keep watching for any new developments.
The really great, stand out thing about "Black Market" is the attention to all the little details and making all of them sound equally important. This script was not rushed onto paper, by any means.
All the surgical tools, sharp scalpels and instruments, all the dark basements and corriders, surgical jargon, embalming equipment, etc. all felt real and profoundly disturbing. I could actually hear the squishing of organs and knives slicing through flesh.
Really, really, really fast paced throughout, starting on page 25 or so. We really didn't get to see much backstory or introduction of the villains early on, which makes the first funeral home scene with Cindy and Buddy seem like it's coming straight out of left field. What is happening here? It was shocking, but seemed a bit rushed to me.
I'd rather see more of a slow build up, making the shocking parts more of a payoff. And what about Cindy's writing career? This seemed like a big part of the story early on, but sort of faded away, along with the plot.
I would have appreciated the shocking nature of this scene a bit more if Cindy escaped early on, then came back later on in the story. But she stayed there until the end. Just lots of running and chasing type stuff. (See Texas Chainsaw 2 where Dennis Hopper goes underground to find the family. The whole second half of the movie was underground, exploring the caves where the Sawyer family's set up camp.) This was a cop out and bull$#%&! See what I'm saying?
The theme with a lot of horror films is to jump right into the terror and not worry so much about building all of the characters. There is a story here, illegal organ dealing, which would have been very interesting if you'd explored this area with more detail. Not that there's not LOTS OF DETAIL in this script, because it's rich in detail. But not on the specifics of black market organ dealings.
Who are they selling to? How is it getting done, etc.
This is what I thought you were going to do, based on the title...BLACK MARKET.
Knox's dialogue was the best in the script, but Cindy's rants about writing the ultimate monster novel seemed pretty silly. McCain had some good lines, especially telling Cindy about the history of the funeral home. I thought he had a creepiness to him.
Pages 25 to 90 is basically Cindy doing all kinds of cool escape stuff and spying on McCain and Knox. That's cool, but to an extent. Let's introduce some other story elements, something new. We know these two guys are really bad people early on. We get that. Introduce some more story, not simply reiterate how evil they are, over and over again, showing them cutting into people and saying evil speeches.
I was hoping McCain would kill Knox, and he did. This was good. But then, McCain came out with this whole backstory about not being able to have kids. This was fairly stupid and pretty much ended it for me. There's lots of ways to have children and get a family. This is hardly the best way. It didn't feel like it followed the rest of the script.
The climax in the ambulance seemed like you were running out of steam and didn't know how to end this thing.
What you've done here is written a feature made up primarily of action, not too much dialogue. I don't think I could do that as well as you have. The action is EXCELLENT. But dialogue isn't the enemy as some young script instructors might make you think. There's also such a thing as too little dialogue.
In BLACK MARKET I got really tired of reading one description after the next. I wanted more story.
Also, watch out for those nay sayers who will compare this with HOSTEL.
I agree with you I really piled on the action in this one. Not a lot of dialogue at all, which is something of a departure for me actually. I enjoy writing dialogue and probably have a lot more in my horror scripts than usual. I thought I had a strong story here though with a fair share of twists and turns and laid out the black market foundations rather nicely. The organs are sold to Knox who basically runs Burke and Hare hospital. No one knows where the organs are coming from except him and those in his inner circle. I explained McCain's involvement quite thoroughly as well IMO. I don't know where else I could go with all of that. If Cindy escaped, I can't imagine Knox or McCain would go after her so I think it's neccesary the story stays in the funeral home. I enjoy a build very much but I don't think I could do much more in terms of creating one. I usually have problems with taking too long to get to the action. This script was no exception and I really made an effort with this draft to get to the action quickly. The draft before this had a very, very slow first act and I'd rather not undo all the work I've done to change that and go in the opposite direction. I see where you're coming from completely and I agree that a strong build is the way to go but in the case of Black Market, I'd be flipflopping to slow the script down.
I agree with you about the ending with McCain and Cindy. McCain's whole plan seems to have come out vague and half-baked. You're not the only one who thought it was silly. From the moment Cindy wakes up, everything pans out very quickly. I think I might be able to slow things down some. You're right. I did struggle to find an ending for this thing. The original ending was a complete and utter mess and I had to rewrite it completely from scratch. This is what I came up with. Your advice in regards to this section of the script has been very helpful and I'll definitely take it into consideration in writing the next draft. Hopefully, a final draft. I find it ironic that this script being the one I planned out the most ended up being the one to cause me the most grief. It's been almost half a year since I wrote this and I've done little else screenwriting-wise since then. I'm ready to move on.
I agree with you I really piled on the action in this one. Not a lot of dialogue at all, which is something of a departure for me actually. I enjoy writing dialogue and probably have a lot more in my horror scripts than usual. I thought I had a strong story here though with a fair share of twists and turns and laid out the black market foundations rather nicely. The organs are sold to Knox who basically runs Burke and Hare hospital. No one knows where the organs are coming from except him and those in his inner circle. I explained McCain's involvement quite thoroughly as well IMO. I don't know where else I could go with all of that. If Cindy escaped, I can't imagine Knox or McCain would go after her so I think it's neccesary the story stays in the funeral home. I enjoy a build very much but I don't think I could do much more in terms of creating one. I usually have problems with taking too long to get to the action. This script was no exception and I really made an effort with this draft to get to the action quickly. The draft before this had a very, very slow first act and I'd rather not undo all the work I've done to change that and go in the opposite direction. I see where you're coming from completely and I agree that a strong build is the way to go but in the case of Black Market, I'd be flipflopping to slow the script down.
I agree with you about the ending with McCain and Cindy. McCain's whole plan seems to have come out vague and half-baked. You're not the only one who thought it was silly. From the moment Cindy wakes up, everything pans out very quickly. I think I might be able to slow things down some. You're right. I did struggle to find an ending for this thing. The original ending was a complete and utter mess and I had to rewrite it completely from scratch. This is what I came up with. Your advice in regards to this section of the script has been very helpful and I'll definitely take it into consideration in writing the next draft. Hopefully, a final draft. I find it ironic that this script being the one I planned out the most ended up being the one to cause me the most grief. It's been almost half a year since I wrote this and I've done little else screenwriting-wise since then. I'm ready to move on.
I've just submitted a new draft of the script that omits most, if not all, of the problems you guys have mentioned. Namely, the much debated issue of Cindy not working at the Smoothie Shack (something I fixed with only two lines as opposed to the needless scene with Miranda's boss which is now gone) and the equally debated issue of Cindy's missed attempts to call the police or find another escape route. Hopefully this should clear up the logistics issues.
After nearly seven months of stressing over this much conflicted project, I think I've finally got it in a condition I'm satisfied with and am ready to move on. I'm aiming to have my sixth script completed by the end of the semester. I just have some loose ends to tie up before I start writing it. It's going to be my first feature length script of the non-horror persuasion. But enough plugging. With that said, I'm putting Black Market aside for now but I will return to it, probably sometime next year. I figure at some point, I need to go back to all the scripts I've written and apply to them the knowledge I've gained since I wrote them while I can still keep track of them all.
Thanks again for the feedback, guys. You've helped a lot. I really appreciate it.
Hey, The logline stood out right away. Everything was well written, but the 2nd act left me kind of disappointed...it seemed to fall into the category of being the same standard thriller that starts out strong, but then over stays its welcome. Pictured Cindy as Sarah Michelle Gellar or Ashley Judd, but think it would only work with someone much darker than either of them. Even if this storyline doesn't play out all, the idea alone would be worth revisiting down the road with different characters. Still really well done with so much room for potential. it was one of the only stories on the site that grabbed my attention immediately and had me picturing this played out as an actual studio movie.
I can see where you're coming from in saying that the storyline overstays its welcome. I tried to keep things interesting but the way I conceived and wrote the funeral home was as a really small and cramped location with not a lot of places to go, as a real funeral home probably would be. That sort of impedes the threshold for twists and turns so I had to figure out other ways to keep things interesting. I'm not sure if you felt the same way but that's certainly something I struggled with. I wouldn't call the storyline a failure by any means but, again, I can understand how it might drag in some places. And for the record, if it were up to me, I would cast an unknown for Cindy. I'm not a big fan, to say the least, of this trend of casting WB stars for horror movies and I feel big stars would be seen as, well, big stars throughout the story and not as the characters they're portraying. Cindy's a strange bird, which I think calls for a different kind of leading lady. Nevertheless, it's cool you're able to picture this playing out onscreen.
Here at long last is my full review. I'm really sorry this took so long.
I'm going to start this off by being a jerk...does she have to be named Cindy Hutchins? It just seems...goofy, almost. Poor little blonde girl next door nose in book little bit shy Cindy Hutchins. Or maybe I'm in a weird mood today. Haha.
And we're off!
Page 1: You like these sort of openings a lot, don't you. I do too. Personally, I wouldn't have minded a little more description here...a few more shots. To me, about two more cuts would've established the mood better. Ahh, it's like Striptease!
Page 2: INT. CATWALK and INT. PLANT HALLWAY - Are these guys necessary? I would've said one slug for them walking through the factory would be enough...and I wouldn't drag the description out this long either.
Page 3: I think the boss' speech is a little blunt here, and then a little long. I like that he's sort of beating around the bush at the beginning but after that point I think it's fine for him to just say it and let her respond.
Page 7: Very minor thought here. Cindy tells Miranda to "come on in". It'd be a nice little solidifier to their relationship if Miranda just walked in, no need to ask. Maybe.
Page 8: A bit too much talky-talk on the same subject for my taste. We get Cindy's viewpoint pretty quickly I think.
Page 9: "Like a Cthulhu versus the Kraken type of thing?" wins the best line of Tic's '07 reading award. This seems like an awkward line to end the scene on to me. She just reveals her book's plot and then we cut? Cindy smokes? GROSS! YUCK! I don't like it one bit.
Page 12: Little thought here...it'd be kinda funny if after Cindy said "When that happens, I'll let you know," and Miranda responded by charging her $4.50 for the smoothie. Even if she said "just kidding" or whatever.
Page 14: In my opinion, this Miranda-Cindy scene is totally removeable. It doesn't establish much that the montage before doesn't.
Page 22: If what I think is gonna happen is gonna happen, I don't know if you really need the Japanese men to be so creepy. Personally I think it'd be better if they were described as less imposing looking and more friendly. I think the writing is spot on, by the way, conversation's perfect, just the way they look is a little more than it needs to be in my opinion.
Page 26: Just fantastic writing on this page. Had to comment.
I'm stopping at page thirty. My impression so far? I'm not bothered by the long intro that seemed drawn out to other people (judging by my skimming of the comments above). I would like to see a little more out of Cindy in these first thirty pages...see her in more situations, interacting with a few different people. As to the actual length of this section, I'm fine with it. I would personally consider it a more classical style of storytelling. To me, as I stated, where it gets a little wearing is that Cindy doesn't have much of a variety of things to do through these pages. I would like to see her maybe, hmm, talk with her mother? Meet a guy? Just thoughts.
Page 33: The moment where the man wakes up and they look at each other is so good I would've liked to see it drawn out a second longer.
Page 34: As for the rest of it, meh. Violence doesn't really bother me, so this got a little boring. I'd cut the description down a little, personally.
Page 39: Eh, you know what? I don't really have that much character sympathy as far as Cindy is concerned. She's cute and fun but that's about it. I think we need a deeper connection with her at this point. Back to what I said about seeing her in more varied situations. Personally, the more explicit the gore gets, the more I need to care about the character, or I just lose interest and just laugh at the gory stuff.
Page 40: You know an odd little pet peeve I have here? We haven't once heard Cindy scream or yell or whimper or anything. This stuff just seems a little matter-of-fact, somehow. Don't know if anyone else gets that.
Page 43: Love that she swipes too late and misses. Awesome.
I seem to have lost my comments for the rest of the script, but they weren't that important anyway.
Personally, although I greatly enjoyed individual scenes, I didn't enjoy this a ton as a whole. The second half, the horror, felt a bit repetitive to me. I think you've written yourself into a corner a bit with the location -- same thing I did with Marigold haha. There's only so much that can be done to keep this interesting in such a small space. Personally, I'd like to see a finale somewhere else. Maybe Knox takes Cindy and McCain somewhere else after he knocks Cindy out? To his massive underground mad scientist laboratory? Haha.
I thought Buddy's death was a bit of a non-event. It was surprisingly placed, but it just seemed to come and go without having much effect on the story. I would've liked to see some kind of bigger reaction for Cindy...even if it is just to show that she's become a "monster" or cold herself. This seems like a missed opportunity.
I also felt a bit claustrophobic, not in terms of setting, but in terms of character. The character and horror sections of the script being so completely seperated were probably part of the reason that I got bored. I would've liked to see some quiet character moments interspersed with the horror. I think this would increase the perceived variety of the script and lessen the problem of the huge chunk of horror. It could also build up Buddy, which would be cool in reference to my last statements about his death.
I love the Pink Flamingos-esque attempted injection. Just gotta say that.
Personally, I wasn't digging the dream sequences. I understand (I think) that they're a good way to contribute to the theme of her mental breakdown and/or change, but to me they kinda seemed like a contrived way to get a few more varied scares out of the script. They did provide different action/horror sequences, which is good, but not in the way I would've liked.
All in all, mostly, I would've liked to see more variety, in both characters and plot. I say get 'em out of the funeral home at some point, and definitely still agree with what I said initially about the opening thirty pages being repetitive in their own right as well.
Looking back, a lot of what I've said is negative. Let me say this. Your action sequences, even if there are too many, are fantastically written and uniquely designed, I'd just like there not to be so many of them in so short a time. The characters are equally good, I'd just like to see them in more situations. I think there's a lot of potential here, the whole package just isn't working for me right now.
Good work James, always a pleasure to read your scripts.
I think you've written yourself into a corner a bit with the location -- same thing I did with Marigold haha.
That, right there, just about sums up my biggest problem with this script. I think it ties into the problems with both the characters and horror overload. Not a whole lot you can do with a place designed for dead people, I guess. Still, it's better than the original draft, which ended in Japan, of all places, with Cindy facing off against Yakuza gangsters. Some people thought that was a little too whacky so that part of the story is history (better the Yakuza have their own story anyway ). That left off a void in the script that was very difficult to fill. This is what I came up with in the end. I think you might be right though. I'd probably be better off ending this story somewhere else. Unfortunately, Knox definitely doesn't have a "massive underground mad scientist laboratory" but there is Burke and Hare hospital (I'm surprised nobody's got the joke yet). It might be interesting to drop these characters in a public setting where it's harder for the bad guys to get away with what they're doing. I'll give it some thought. I've got time. If I choose to move the finale somewhere else, it's going to be a while before I actually get around to rewriting it.
BTW I'm glad you liked the Pink Flamingoes bit. It didn't seem to go over too well with the other readers. You seem to be the only one who got it. Thanks for that and thanks again for the review.
The script read very fast because it had great flow, which is an aspect that I really enjoy. I was able to read it in one sitting. At one point in the script, Cindy makes it out to the ambulance and she has a scalpel to Dr. Knox's throat. The previous scene she used a pen to dispatch one of the assisants and then she suddenly has a scalpel. I may have missed something somewhere, But I don't recall her retrieving a scalpel from inside or taking one from the ambulance.
This is minor of course and can be corrected. The only complaint I have is the sudden, abrupt ending. After going through what she did, I can't conceive of her entering the Funeral Home to wash up and spirit away with the money. The whole dialogue sequence with her and Miranda in the where she tells her that she really doesn't need the money at that point kind of makes her super hipocritical.
I don't feel that tempting her with wealth was pertinent to the story. Seemed that it detracted from your original idea, which was simply that she was taken under false pretenses to be used as an unwilling serrogate mother to father a child by a deranged doctor who just happened to be in the business of assisting another equally deranged doctor is the illegal harvesting of human organs.
I don't think the script is bad, obviously you put a lot of thought into it and you did some research to help move the story along. However, the story seemed stretched, like you had taken a 60 minute teleplay and just added a bunch of filler to extend it into a feature. Though the script read quickly, it seemed a bit compacted.
Again, not bad. Hope this helps you with future writing projects.
If you can't beat 'em, then get yourself a bigger stick! John Mavity
Thanks for the read, Jerry. Yeah, there's probably a few continuity errors between this one and the last few drafts, as this script, out of all my others, has undergone the most drastic rewrites. With that said, I don't think it's a very successful script, looking back. Considering how different the present version is to the original treatment, I'd say it's my least successful, as so many things I planned didn't work out.
I've written a treatment for a sister piece to this script, which I think is much improved. If I never come back to this one, the new "medical horror" script, should take it's place, as far as I'm concerned. The treatment isn't nearly as gory as Black Market however and I still enjoy some of the script's elements. I may come back to it someday but certainly not any time soon. At present, I'm still quite unhappy with it and not really sure what to do with it.
I don't think you should disregard this script. I'm in the middle of rewriting several myself and I have to stop periodically and take a breather. One of the scripts I completed a new outline, keeping the scenes that worked well, and the removed the ones that didn't and outlined newer scenes in their place. The story isn't drastically different, but it was necessary to do that.
I would suggest doing that. Keeping what worked and rehashing what didn't. You're not a bad writer and you obviously have a lot of imagination left. Don't give up on this one.
Jerry
If you can't beat 'em, then get yourself a bigger stick! John Mavity
This was quite good. I am trying to write something in a similar genre (Thriller/Horror) and read a few features here and this is the best so far.
Although I liked seeing the reference I think naming the Hospital 'Burke and Hare' kinda gave the game away a little early. You would probably be better not revealing what is going on until you really need to. It may be an obscure reference but I would have thought many people would have got it.
I think the third act is the weakest section of the screenplay and does let it down somewhat. It is not really surprising however as reading the comments it looks like it used to have a different third act with Japanese Gangsters or something and while I have no doubt this is an improvement I just feel it was relying too much of regurgitating things we have already seen in the second act. I mean this morgue seems like a fairly small facility and to be honest i was getting a little bored of seeing Cindy running from one room to another, hiding, jumping out and running back to the other room.
I think you needed to take the action somewhere else and thus the final showdown taking place outside made some sense. It was however a bit confusing and think that you could probably do better that the ambulance fight. It was strange that the one thing I was expecting to happen at the end never happened, you might think that is good I guess and maybe it is but seen as you introduced us to the incinerator right at the beginning and again when introducing us to the morgue I fully expected to have it involved in the final showdown too. You know a but like the rule that says if you show a gun during the first act then make sure you use it in the third. Having McCain burned alive in the incinerator may be movie cliche but I think it would make for a good ending.
It was funny reading Shelton's comment about the air duct, I too read John Augusts comments on that and I immediately thought of it when it happened.
I think the overall story could do with a little work, McCain's motivation? Just to artificially inseminate her and have her give birth to a child? I mean, if he is that desperate and that evil why would he not just go and steal a baby instead? A lot less hassle than what he was doing. I think you need a much better motivation for McCain, to be honest something as simple as money is a lot easier to believe. Plus it has the added benefit of being in direct contrast to Cindy's apparent apathy towards money.
It was nicely written however with clearly defined acts and turns of plot. I liked the intro to Cindy and thought you did a great job of building up the first act. I would like to see more of Cindy's character come into play later in the film, not sure the flashbacks really give us something there. But it was a nicely measure build-up and sets the scene pretty well.
Thanks for the read, GM. I didn't think I'd see this one pop up again anytime soon.
First off, I'd like to say thanks and congrats on being the first, and likely the last, person to recognize the Burke and Hare reference. I figured no one really knows who Burke and Hare are and basically inserted it as an inside joke for myself. Nevertheless, I'm impressed.
As for everything else, you're right on all counts, except for the air vent. I think I might have explained that one earlier. Honestly, I don't know whether or not I'd like to do anything more with this one. More and more, it's feeling like a child who's dropped out and college and is now unemployed and living at home (for those of you who liken your scripts to children, haha). I've said a few times that it never turned out the way I had hoped but now, I feel like I was focused on the wrong things from the getgo.
I'm considering writing an alternate version of Black Market with completely different plot and characters (just using similar motifs) and more of a Phantasm vibe to it (without the goofy puppets and cheesiness, that is) as well as the sister piece I'm writing now. Maybe I'll come back to this in 5-10 years but as of now, I think I'm gonna call it retired.
Thanks for the read, GM. I didn't think I'd see this one pop up again anytime soon.
First off, I'd like to say thanks and congrats on being the first, and likely the last, person to recognize the Burke and Hare reference. I figured no one really knows who Burke and Hare are and basically inserted it as an inside joke for myself. Nevertheless, I'm impressed.
I know I should not drag up old ones really but this is still on the front page of the Thrillers so thought I would give it a go.
Burke and Hare? I lived in Scotland for a while when I was younger and they are still talked about on occasions. Theirs is actually one of those stories that really could do with a good adaptation. I am toying with the idea of giving it a go at some point this year.
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) that an injury delivered by a blade designed specifically to cut flesh is not fatal. I'll probably rewrite the scene with McCain being stabbed in the chest or something, if only to omit the Saw similarity.
but there is Burke and Hare hospital (I'm surprised nobody's got the joke yet). It might be interesting to drop these characters in a public setting where it's harder for the bad guys to get away with what they're doing. I'll give it some thought. I've got time. If I choose to move the finale somewhere else, it's going to be a while before I actually get around to rewriting it.
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