Thanks for the read, Dressel. I'm glad you liked it.

Quoted from dresseme The more I read about Tadou's character, especially with his violent tendencies with that businessman, the more I thought back to him and the gambler.  Like I said previous, I think I'd like to see him rough him a up just a bit as a threat.  It might also show him trying to attain some of the power he craves.

The more and more I think about it, the more I'm convinced the scene with Tadao and the gambler in the car doesn't work. I may just chuck it all together. Later scenes reaffirm from Tadao himself says in the scene, albeit in a less direct way but that's probably better. I think instead, I'll have him take a more active role in the gambler's beating and perhaps give him some lines to further emphasize his desire for leadership and respect.

Quoted from dresseme The whole dialogue on p.73 and on about pussy seems REALLY out of place.   I think you need to generate a better way for Grant to escape.  It not only seems way to convenient, but WAY too Tarentino-esque.

I don't think it's out of place per se but I think it could use a better transition. It doesn't sort of sneak up on you even though it's sort of a logical progression of conversation. I won't lose it though. I actually think this escape is considerably less cheap than what usually happens in the movies, let alone much less cliche. The conversation, I think is somewhat realistic; these guys would be desensitized enough to have the conversation after working in this business so long. I don't think it's Tarantino-esque. I do recall the famous "foot massage" convo in Pulp Fiction but there've been plenty of similar conversations in crime films. I tried to put my own twist on this one. Also, Tarantino's conversations are meant to be clever and funny while this one was meant to be disturbing considering the context the Yakuza are having it in. There is definitely some dark humor in there though.

Thanks again for the read.

Hey James, I finally got around to taking a look at this, from the title I was waiting for Ponyboy, Dallas, Sodapop, and Two-Bit to show up, but this is nothing like that outsiders.

Anyways onto your story.  I think that this is a subject matter you love a lot and understand very well, you know this stuff way more than I do so I don't think on those grounds I have anything to say that would help cause chances are I'd be wrong....hahaha, but I'll go into the other stuff.

I kinda had a problem when we meet Grant and Ramon, their conversation seems just to be for the viewers sake cause I think the dialogue about Grant being adopted and his feelings about that would have happened long ago, I don't think after knowing each other as long as they have that conversation would just all of a sudden come up, it is good information but maybe it should be revealed at another time to a different person, maybe with Suki and Sakura, where it is now it feels like it's there just for info and it didn't feel natural, at least to me, in fact the first few pages with Grant and Ramon seems like all explanation with the Yakuza, I think it would be better for that stuff to come up later in the story, at first we should just get to know these two as friends, so that when these two get caught up in their situation we know them and how they relate to each other, and there is some of that in the beginning, maybe just take out some of the explanation that are given in those pages and focus on their relationship, all that other stuff can come up later, and the Bro remarks are a little too much I think, maybe here and there, just not as much as there is right now.

HAHA, i love DDR, best work out you can have, it's so addictive, nice to see it make an appearance here..

I liked what you did with the Japanese characters, I think this is your strong point and you know this very well and they seem believable in this crime world.

TADAO (JAPANESE)
He’s from the West. That’s for sure.
He could be Canadian but with that
attitude, I’d say he’s an American.

HAHA great line

The line on page 55 "He says I’ll never what you were
to him."  I think you meant  "He says I’ll never BE what you were
to him."

Tatsui is one creepy bastard, I like his tongue, still no match for Jack Bauer in the interrogation department though

I liked the ending even though it is a bit down beat it had the feel to Asian cinema, at least the few Asian films that I have seen.

All in all I liked the story and you are well versed in this type of material, I think some of the dialogue needs to be taken out when it gets too explanatory.  It had some good gore and the last act was suspenseful.  G0od work.

Thanks for the read, Jordan.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I kinda had a problem when we meet Grant and Ramon, their conversation seems just to be for the viewers sake cause I think the dialogue about Grant being adopted and his feelings about that would have happened long ago, I don't think after knowing each other as long as they have that conversation would just all of a sudden come up, it is good information but maybe it should be revealed at another time to a different person, maybe with Suki and Sakura, where it is now it feels like it's there just for info and it didn't feel natural, at least to me, in fact the first few pages with Grant and Ramon seems like all explanation with the Yakuza, I think it would be better for that stuff to come up later in the story, at first we should just get to know these two as friends, so that when these two get caught up in their situation we know them and how they relate to each other, and there is some of that in the beginning, maybe just take out some of the explanation that are given in those pages and focus on their relationship, all that other stuff can come up later, and the Bro remarks are a little too much I think, maybe here and there, just not as much as there is right now.

Most of this, you're probably right about. I definitely thought about the fact that some of this would have been discussed earlier in the friendship. I'll have to do some work to make it come off a little more natural. I realize now I sometimes have a problem with being too upfront with characters thoughts and emotions. I'm still working on making it seem more natural and less "movie-ish." At the same time, the adoption thing is a little tricky. I'm not exactly sure how much these guys would have discussed it before. Grant is loosely based on someone I know and although we don't talk about the adoption issue that much, it sort of pops up every once and a while in a similar manner. Still, the conversation's first and foremost for the audience's benefit. I'll try to fix it. The Yakuza conversation is the same but I thought it was a little more natural.

Quoted from The boy who could fly Tatsui is one creepy bastard, I like his tongue, still no match for Jack Bauer in the interrogation department though

Tatsu's one of the top interrogators in the world, not the top, neccesarily. Jack Bauer's gotta be up there somewhere. He's gotta be if he wants to take out terrorists, haha. But yeah, I basically wanted him to be the master torturer, which is why none of the torture is actually shown. If it's conceivable, he's not as scary and I wanted him to be scary. He's probably one of my favorite characters I've ever written so far.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I liked the ending even though it is a bit down beat it had the feel to Asian cinema, at least the few Asian films that I have seen.

Thanks. Before now, I'm been too much of a pussy to kill off all of my main characters but not anymore. I was definitely going for something really horrible in the end, like in the Korean and Japanese movies I love so much. Americans don't have the guts to go to the places they do nowadays. I'm glad I was able to pull this one off.

Thanks again.

I'm in the process of rewriting all of my old features in between writing new ones (except for Kiss of the Locust and Black Market which both suck). It's an interesting experience going back to something you wrote years ago and bringing your present experience to it and making it even better. I recommend everyone try it at least once. There's nothing to be lost in doing so as it only strengthens your body of work.

Outsiders is the third script to get bumped and the most drastically rewritten. In the past two and a half years, I've rewritten it at least eight times. In that time, I actually visited Japan and rewrote the entire first act to make it more authentic. Additionally, almost a 100% of the dialogue has been rewritten or altered in someone. The old draft had a lot of subterfuge in the dialogue department and is now 8 pages lighter.

Anyone care to take a look at an old but no longer crusty Yakuza thriller?

Page 1 of 2

PDF page 9/ Script page 7
GRANT
Yeah. The Yakuza are basically the
Japanese version of Goodfellas.

Shorten to "Yeah. The Yakuza are Japanese mobsters."

Sometimes they even have to cut their fingers off.

Remove the word "their".

INT. YOSHINORI’S OFFICE - NIGHT
The gambler lies slumped in a chair across from Yoshinori.
Tadao stands behind him.

The gambler lies slumped, bleeding in a plastic draped chair across from Yoshinori.
Tadao stands behind him.

PDF page 10/script page 9
The gambler takes the dagger and grits his teeth as he
reluctantly cuts off the tip of his finger.

Which finger? Pinkie? How much? Like... a quarter inch? Above/below the nail? the knuckle?

PDF page 13/script page 12
But I don’t wanna get lost drunk
in Shinjuku. We can’t even read the
street signs sober, remember?

Cut "remember" and make it a statement.

GRANT
Sounds good, I guess.
RAMON
Word.

Ramon should inappropriately use the one d@mn Japanese word he's learned tonight: Kampai.

PDF 30/ script 29 and I'm getting bored with the build up.
33/32: still bored.
41/40: boring. I liked the psycho killer BS of "Complete" better than this by this many pages in. By now you woulda spent a lot more money on actors, sets and locations.

44/43
Mikio pulls out a pistol and
points it at him. Ramon freezes.
Mikio laughs and puts the pistol away.

Mikio isn't such a bad guy.
Let him off the chain a little.
"Mikio pulls his pistol and snaps it to Ramon's temple, pushes hard. Ramon's head arcs back. Mikio repositions the barrel to Ramon's neck. Ramon squirms some. The pistol pulls down to Ramon's gut. Ramon looks up increasingly uncomfortable with this. Mikio pushes the barrel down into Ramon's groin, jabs lightly a few times. Ramon grunts in protest.
Mikio laughs and puts the pistol away."

50/49
TADAO (JAPANESE)
You should be less than a ghost in
Tokyo. But not a day has gone by when
your father hasn’t said your name. Ever
since you disappeared, I’ve been living
constantly in your shadow.

Tadao kicks Grant repeatedly in the stomach.

TADAO (JAPANESE)
I’ve been nothing but loyal to your
father and still, he compares me to
you. He says I’ll never be what you
were to him. You’ve been a thorn in my
side since you’ve been gone.

FINALLY! I'm enjoying the vitriol Tadao has to dump onto Yoshikazu/Grant.
FWIW, the "mistaken identity" BS isn't working for me, even though I know how this ends.

52/51
Tadao lets go of Grant’s nose and wipes his hand off on his
suit jacket.

Wipes Yoshikazu/Grant's blood onto Yoshikazu/Grant's shirt shoulder or in his hair.
Why on Earth would Tadao wipe Yoshikazu/Grant's nose blood onto his own suit?

TADAO
I know it’s you, Yoshikazu. Behind the
blood, the bruises and the English,
you’re the same.
(in Japanese)
The same spoiled little shit. The same
crazy son of a bitch who did whatever
he wanted because Daddy was the boss.
Because Daddy made anyone who stood up
to him disappear.

Okay, Tadao is just flippin' out, now.
Dude already told him twice by now he has no Yakuza tats, but T doesn't even look.
He just keeps hurting "this guy", bitching about his own issues with the boss' kid.

54/53
Tadao turns and stalks out of the room.

WTH kinda pointless intel gathering BS was that?
That was totally unprofessional and just stupid.
(Not your writing. The character. The character is being stupid - or else I'm just plain evil as sin.)

55/54
TADAO (V.O.) (JAPANESE)
I’ve got two guys tied up here and they
don’t feel like talking. I think they
need a little persuading.
HOTAKA (JAPANESE)
Looking for manpower, eh? Who do you
want me to send over?

It's about GD time Tadao asked for help because he sure as h#ll don't know what he's doing.

59/58
TADAO (JAPANESE)
You better not be late, Mikio. Tatsu
waits for no one. You don’t want to see
what happens when he loses patience.

Change second sentence to "You wouldn't want him to hear that it was you that made him wait."

TADAO (JAPANESE)
Go. Now! "To the warehouses."

62/61: Tatsu's a fuhhh-reek.

67/66: Begins a nice seguay from Tatsu's torture into a fight. Nicely done!

69/68
RAMON
He’s adopted from Japan! He doesn’t
know his parents! He doesn’t know who
they are!

Didn't Tatsu squirt a syring full of mystery sh!t INTO Ramon's tongue back on page 65/64?
Yup: A raspy gurgle escapes Ramon’s throat as Tatsu injects the syringe’s contents into his tongue.
Ramon won't be talking intelligible sh!t like "He's adopted from japan!" with his tongue full of mystery sh!t.

Page 2 of 2

71/70
TADAO (JAPANESE)
Fuck it. He doesn’t know anything—
Tatsu abruptly jerks his head to the side and grabs Tadao
in a chokehold. He snarls and extends his forked tongue.
Mikio recoils.

Okay, this doesn't make sense and you break back to INTERROGATION RM 1 before it does make sense. (And it never really does.)
By the time we get to page 72/71 and we have "Grant slices a hole in the wall and peers through. Tadao and Tatsu proceed down the hallway beyond. Grant lies flat on his back." I'm wondering WTH was THAT back in INTERROGATION RM 2?
Elucidate better or cut.

73/72: There's no real goal to this little story than just survival, right?

Mikio spins around. In three consecutive movements, he
blocks Grant’s blow, twists his arm around and knees him in
the stomach. Mikio strikes so fast, the switchblade flies
out of Grant’s hand and lands at the same time he falls.

LOL! Dude! You're f#cked!
You can't even stab a kneeling man in his back. FAIL!

Mikio swoops down upon him and grabs him in a
chokehold.

Don't all these Yakuza welps have pistols?
Shoulda shot the MFer in the knee or something. Quit with this pansy-a$$ choking sh!t.
To restrain someone grab them by the wrist and yank that hand across the opposite shoulder blade.
B!tch, you're owned.

75/74
TADAO (JAPANESE)
That’s it! The boss said not to do any
permanent damage but he didn’t say
anything about leaving marks. I’m
taking no chances this time. Tatsu, I’ll
need your skills once again, if you
please. The rest of you, help me.

That's a lot of blabbing to do while you're hog wrestling some bloody guy on the floor.

81/80
TADAO
You were born three years after
Yoshikazu. Yoshinori wanted you to grow
up to be a Yakuza just like your
brother and you would have, if only
your mother hadn’t got in the way.

CUTE!
Not worth the miserable journey, but still... it's clever. I like it.
The long lost son, hidden away by the boss' scared or pissed off wife.

88/87
A strand of sinew stretches from the
inside his body to the tip of the blade.

Ditch that. Complete BS.

89/88
A click. The pistol magazine falls to the floor. Tatsu
expels a wheeze from a toothy crooked grin and tosses the
weapon aside.

WTH kind of pistol has the magazine eject button anywhere near where someone's going to accidently punch it?
Additionally, these kinda people carry their pistols hot with "One in the pipe", meaning even with an ejected mag there's still a chambered round to be fired.

90/89
Tatsu leaps on top of the glass table and swings at Grant
from above as he attempts to crawl out from under it.
Grant rolls onto his back so he can view Tatsu from
underneath the glass. Tatsu scrapes the katana across it in
a mocking fashion.

That's some freaky tough-a$$ glass on that table!

91/90
Grant notices a pistol stuffed in the side of Tatsu’s
pants. He grabs it and shoves Tatsu off of him.

Time out. Tatsu accidently ejects the magazine from one pistol, starts hacking away at Grant with the katana, all the while he has a second pistol in the side of his pants? Pfft! Dumba$$.
Also, with all of these gunshots and commotion there aren't like a bazillion Yakuza underlings just milling about outside the office?
WTH are they doing?

Yoshinori rolls onto his back and attempts another shot at Grant.

Hmm... Dad shoots lizard freak to save long lost son... Cool. THEN starts shooting at long lost son? Hmmm...nya. Nope.

92/91
Grant fires first. The bullets tear into Jun. He falls to
the floor, dead.

Only in Hollywood would a beat up rook have a one shot, one kill.

Grant turns his pistol on Toshio who already has him in his
sights. Toshio fires skillfully and nails Grant with each
shot.

Sh!t, Grant. WTH kinda plan was that, anyway? Dumba$$.

Toshio’s head explodes in a cloud of blood and brains. His
body falls to the floor.
Yoshinori holds a smoking pistol at the bottom of the
staircase.
... blah, blah, blah...
Yoshinori cocks the pistol. Grant shuts his eyes.
Yoshinori shoots Grant in the head, tosses the pistol aside
and proceeds toward the staircase.

Just can't let someone else do your own dirty work, eh?
Gotta shoot your own son before some other dumba$$ does. Okey doke.
Also, if Dad just poped a cap in Toshio's head he doesn't have to cock the pistol AGAIN. Revolver or semi-auto.

THE END.

Thank God.

This was just an exercise in misery.
It would be a very expensive gore film to shoot simply for the number of locations and the number of actors required.
It's not really all that great.
I see MUCH more potential with "Complete".
I wouldn't spend another minute correcting any of the above suggestions.
Copy & Paste my comments into a word processor file, save it along with your file of "Outsiders"
Keep for spare parts.
I don't see how this can be tweaked to make anything reasonable.
Sorry.

That and a buck thirty-eight will get you a coke outta the machine! HA!

Thanks for reading, dude. Sorry you didn't like it. I don't think it's unsalvageable by any means though. "Complete" is a much better script and by miles (maybe not lightyears and but certainly miles). You're right about that. This one isn't without its kinks either. I wrote it three years ago and I think I've only just gotten really, really good at writing so I went back and rewrote it. I think it's getting there and will be really good given a few more drafts. Again, you've addressed some important issues in logistics that I missed the last time around. I'll take care of them when I get the chance.

Indeed, this would be an expensive script to shoot but I wasn't concerned about that when I wrote it. I can write features fairly quickly (I've written twelve in five years) so I can alternate between frivolous scripts and more budget-conscious ones without really wasting my time. Lately, I've tried to stick to being budget-conscious. But who knows? If I get lucky and things work out for me, I could always shoot this one myself. Or maybe the right person might just happen upon it. I've got no problem with stockpiling scripts. I've got plenty others that don't have the same economic issues as this one.

I found this in the “Scripts you have posted” thread.  I was looking for something on page 1 and this was the first one to stand out.  It’s a shame it’s dated, but I decided to read it anyway.  I like gangster stuff.  So having finished it, I have to say I wasn’t all that into the gangster stuff in this story.  These Yakuza soldiers felt foolish, not realistic, or convincing.  Their dialogue felt too plain, and the only time I had a sense of “truthfulness” or real humor to them, was when the two Yakuzas were talking about Tatsu’s tongue and how it would probably fair well in eating pussy.  But then even that scene seems like it was set up as a reason for them to be distracted long enough for Grant to make an escape.  In my opinion, the script falls a part once Grant and Ramon are captured and tortured.  Ramon’s death was a shocker, but it was right, it was realistic, and logical.  There was no way he was walking out of that situation and it would have been a slap in our faces if he had.  The same goes for Grant, whether he was so-and-so’s or what’s-his-name’s son, he wasn’t walking either, so it was a relief that you wrote the ending the way you did otherwise I wouldn’t have bought it.  

Anyway, as for my positive side:  I liked Grant and Ramon.  Grant’s story was intriguing and Ramon was a funny buddy/sidekick.  I liked following them around, and I wanted to see what would happen with Suki and Sakura.  They seemed cute and likeable right off the bat, but you rip them from the story and they’re never to be seen again.  I was hoping they would show up later, but no dice.  In the end, I think I would have liked this way more if we took out the whole gangster element altogether.  I think Suki and Sakura should be made into main characters -- hot ones, at that -- and Suki could help Grant find out the truth and Sakura can make it with Ramon.  Anyway, that’s what I think, hope it was informative.

Hey reaper. Thanks for reading.

I think most, if not all of your comments are spot on. I haven't looked at this one since the last rewrite and as such, I've gained substantial distance between the script and myself to objectively say... it's not very good. Bad, even.

It's taken me some time to get the hang of dialogue, specifically dialogue that comes off as natural, and some might argue I still haven't. I think here, it's always been clumsy and my attempts to smooth it over have likely resulted in blandness rather than improvement. I haven't looked at the script since reading your review but I would count on it, regardless.

I'm glad you liked the "pussy eating" bit but I expect it is the distraction you say it is. This was one of my first scripts where the dialogue wasn't inherently based on plot development. There was a lot of emphasis put on illustrating inner conflict and, at times, levity, as was the case here. It was a two fold challenge of making the scenes work in and of themselves as well as fitting them into the story in a way that doesn't feel awkward. I think generally, it didn't come out too well though the script was an unparalled learning experience for me; I tried a lot of new things and learned why I was doing them wrong.

I'm sort of surprised you liked the characters as much as you did (that is to say, at all). I feel like in earlier drafts, Grant wasn't a likeable character at all. I mean, his situation is sympathetic but initially, he came off almost constantly dejected and hopeless. I think as Ramon was meant to counter Grant's character, perhaps he came off too much in the opposite direction. I'm not sure how well they've developed overtime. I'd like to think Grant's become more pallatable but like the dialogue, maybe he ended up just a muted version of his earlier incarnation.

That said, I'm glad you liked the Suki/Sakura segments. Those bits were fun to write. I think the first act could've easily gone off in an entirely different direction like a hipster dramedy or something. I'd love to write something else in Japan so perhaps looking back into some of the flavors that came out of this might be worth doing.

As for the gangster stuff, yeah, I suppose it's not great. I love the character of Tatsu, I love the setting, and I think there're some great gore bits but overall, none of it really meets my standards anymore. I'm currently developing another gangster script based off some of the ideas/themes in this script. It'll be set in America though and will be a totally different story.

Anyway, I always appreciate people reading my scripts, even if they're old and crusty. Let me know if you've got any features you'd like checked out.

Thanks again!

Haha, good stuff.  I had a list of other scripts I took down from that thread, and it looks like you might get another read (with Love you to death) because sniper’s The Thing, Deliverance, and Escape from the Killing Fields keep giving me errors and don’t show up.  I don’t know why.  I guess the threads were deleted.

Yeah, I mucho liked Grant, Ramon, and Suki and Sakura.  They were great.  You could have done a lot with them.  You could still have the gangster element if you want, but you’re definitely going to have to work on that part of the story.  I’m interested in your new gangster script and I’ll be the first one you send it to when it’s done, make sure!  It seems that you’re fascinated by the subject of the Yakuza.  That’s nice.  I wrote a script where the Yakuza went to war with the Italian mob.  I thought it was pretty sick, but the overall script lacked heart.  I deleted it.  I want to re-do it from scratch -- but for right now it’s on the back burner as I’m working on something else -- and since you are into the Yakuza, I’ll send it your way when I finally get back around to it.