Exude Malady by Alex Aveta - Thriller - Fast passed thiller following two parrell storys split into two chapters. The first follows a bungled robbery which turns out to be more chaotic than even fate could have known. The second, chases down an external device, seeked out by a so called "terrorist cell" to use as a choice comes chance moment.   139 pages - doc, format

Exude Malady by Alex Aveta - Thriller - Fast passed thiller following two parrell storys split into two chapters. The first follows a bungled robbery which turns out to be more chaotic than even fate could have known. The second, chases down an external device, seeked out by a so called "terrorist cell" to use as a choice comes chance moment.   139 pages - pdf, format

I'm sorry, but the logline is such a mess I would never touch this one. "Fast passed", "parrell" "choice comes chance moment"??

~Pete

You should give the story a chance, it's actually pretty good. It would be great to fianlly get some feedback on my first script.  

Quoted from bobby You should give the story a chance, it's actually pretty good. It would be great to fianlly get some feedback on my first script.

The best way to get feedback, bobby my dear boy, is to read other scripts.  

poor spelling aside, I think you'd enjoy the dialog and story, give the first 10 pages a read pete, pleae...

Quoted from bobby ...give the first 10 pages a read pete, pleae...

Since you said please, sort of, I decided to give the first 10 pages a chance, but I couldn't open the file. Anyone else have trouble with it?

Bobby, it's best to submit your script as a .pdf, it's the preferred file type here.

~Pete

Don't submit your script with OpenOffice. No one would ever open it.

what would you suggest ?

Open Office has a built-in PDF converter.  You can convert it and then re-submit.

In the meantime, I've uploaded it here.

I'll take it down after you re-submit.


EDIT: Taken down.

Seeing as Dressel took the time and effort to help out here I gave this a read. Rare to see altruism these days. I'm glad to say it's not too rare round here. It's underrated.

As an aside had a look at the site. You've been a busy boy Matt. Keep it going.

Now then, the script. I'll be forgiving on format and font etc. because of the above. But I won't be next time Alex.

First page is vital. One word - Prologue.

Got lost with the voices, are they on screen, off? Where are they? Male or female? Robotic. I dunno.

What's this wounded man look like?

It'd read a lot better if the action and descriptions were written in the present tense rather than the past.

You need to introduce characters - you definitely need to introduce someone. They can't just appear.

We're in the future aren't we. How do I know this - you told me at the start. But I can see very little to suggest that the future's different from now. Apart from this wall business. I'd have expected a few neat future type gizmos that would make it clear we're not where we are.

These peope do an awful lot of talking. Do they have to?

You need to break up those huge swathes of action paragraphs.

Hope that helps.

Thanks for your help drezzel... i'll resubmit it now

Start off by saying thankyou for the feedback

The voices at the beggining are of Fayton and Jimmy and the wounded man is Billy, this takes place after the robbery

This scene is of a blank screen and the voices are played over the top. as is from Theo's POV.
I should have put THEO POV at the start but as you say the formatting is not so good, being my first pen to paper story, I just freestyled the page layout.

The point of writting this was to avoid the standard format and the introduction of charactors through novel like means, instead, I wanted to write a story which begins as a story should at the pinicle of the charactors life... or maybe I have this wrong..?

The one thing I have always disliked about the movies is the lack of credit the audience is given in determining certain things unless spoon fed.... Who is Theo? We don't know... Wheres he come from??  I don't want the audiance to know... They need to peace together this charactor, and the others through the events which take place, I feel maybe though this current draft doesn't get that across well enough...

The whole thing definatly needs a format check and I'll most definatly make a note of your feedback comments on shortning the action detail.

Thanks for taking the time  

Quoted from bobby Start off by saying thankyou for the feedback

Welcome.

Quoted from bobby This scene is of a blank screen and the voices are played over the top. as is from Theo's POV. I should have put THEO POV at the start but as you say the formatting is not so good, being my first pen to paper story, I just freestyled the page layout. The point of writting this was to avoid the standard format and the introduction of charactors through novel like means, instead, I wanted to write a story which begins as a story should at the pinicle of the charactors life... or maybe I have this wrong..?

In my opinion yes. There's stacks of guideline and rules to screenwriting. Breaking and bending them is the subject of of reams of pages on here.

There is a section on industry format here which is incredibly useful. You're writing a screenplay.

Quoted Text Who is Theo? We don't know... Wheres he come from??  I don't want the audiance to know... They need to peace together this charactor, and the others through the events which take place, I feel maybe though this current draft doesn't get that across well enough...

It doesn't. I see your point about this being from Theo's POV. Not a bad idea but I'd learn to walk before I start to run. Fair enough you don't want the audience to know all those things. They're easy avoided. Be handy to know what he looks like though. And how everyone else he meets looks too.

Quoted from Bobby ...I'll most definatly make a note of your feedback comments on shortning the action detail. Thanks for taking the time.

You're welcome.