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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Night Shift Moderators: bert
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  Author    Night Shift  (currently 6403 views)
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 6th, 2009, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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Coma is an old movie, but it was quite good at its time. I made that connection as well with your script. The major difference between Coma and yours was that when Coma came out it was fresh and terrifying to think this could happen.

You should check it out. It's still decent, even if not as scary.

Pia  


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George Willson
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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I read this one. As you indicated, I can see the overall simplicity of the story and location use. The core story isn't too bad either, and your characters are fairly decent as well. I think Coop could use some work, but Lydia is decently filled out.

For a thriller, it needed either more character or more cat and mouse, depending on what you want to go for. Thrillers tend to focus on the cat and mouse, but on a small  scale like you have, you could work on the characters too. It's up to you, but that second act drags just a smidge, so one or the other would keep the interest up.

I think the tattoo thing is unnecessary (just to hit on something I was watching for), since none of those ornaments come up at any time, and it serves as little more than a conversation piece. Since tattoos are fairly common place, they don't really serve as much of a character bit either. Freud, doctor, tinkerbell. Plus, they see each other daily, so it's not like they wouldn't have had this conversation before. I basically saw what looked like a setup, and waited for a payoff that never came.

I think the overall motivation for what's going on is sound enough. You can't get much more universal than money. The evil pair was a nice twin bad guy combo. It would have been nice if they were more distinct from each other instead of identical twins with different names. Perhaps some slight moral differences or doing it for different reasons or something. Some conflict between them would have been nice.

What I think this story lacks most is a subplot. Something to parallel the primary storyline to either accentuate it or foreshadow it. This one is all about the chase. And while the chase is fine, we need something to break it up. Something to both distract from the primary plot and to make us want to come back to it. But it also needs to be relevant. It's your story, so I wouldn't presume anything for this.

The lack of subplot, however, is what lead to the biggest problem in the entire script: the ending. The damn thing wouldn't end. I get that it ran short, but seriously... It honestly ended around page 88, and I wondered how the heck you were going to fill another 12 pages. Then I found out and where I was interested in the rest of the script, I got bored with the excessive 2nd climax. Not only is it long, it's contrived. Everything else worked pretty good. I could follow reasoning and logic, but the end? The bad guy gets up, and just happens to take the same road as the good guys who just happen to run off the road and just happen to run over a branch that just happens to puncture the gas tank. Maybe that's the only way out, but that's never stated anywhere. I know Mitch is in bad shape, but why did they go down the road instead of going to her apartment? Or someone else close? Even a restaurant? There are so many options once they hit the car that it loses all believablility at that point. If I shot it, I would cut the entire ending and kill the move at page 88 when they stumble to her car. At that point, it's over.

I get the poetic ending. It's kinda funny. But it took so much to get there that it lost its steam.

Overall, I like the storyline and such. It needs some work here and there, but it could shape up to something pretty decent. I'll read a new draft if you revise it.

And now I'll go back over some of the other comments...


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James McClung
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, George! You're right on just about all counts. I did try to make Bryce and Judith more distinguishable and create some tension between them but I suppose I didn't take it far enough. I didn't like the sound of this though...


Quoted from George Willson
The bad guy gets up, and just happens to take the same road as the good guys who just happen to run off the road and just happen to run over a branch that just happens to puncture the gas tank.


I suppose most of this is my fault but I despise conventions like cars conveniently breaking down. I guess I didn't need to have the branch puncture the gas tank, that much is true. They could've just been stuck in the ditch. However, like you said, this one road was the only way out. I figure one direction goes into town and the other further into the forest. Also, Mitch is losing a lot of blood and basically zones out at the wheel. Hence the car crash. Like I said, anything that's not clear is my fault but I most certainly thought this through.

As for the script not ending, I wouldn't have been satisfied with leaving off where you suggested. I wasn't trying to be contrived and while it is a logical closure point, dramatically I don't think it would have worked at all.

There's still a lot of problems with this script. Originally, it was supposed to be a straight up slasher but I changed my mind somewhere in the process and reworked it as a mystery/giallo. The biggest issue is the general lack of action. I'm not sure how to go about some of these problems at this point but I hope to get to that point soon.


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George Willson
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
Thanks for reading, George! You're right on just about all counts. I did try to make Bryce and Judith more distinguishable and create some tension between them but I suppose I didn't take it far enough. I didn't like the sound of this though...

I suppose most of this is my fault but I despise conventions like cars conveniently breaking down. I guess I didn't need to have the branch puncture the gas tank, that much is true. They could've just been stuck in the ditch. However, like you said, this one road was the only way out. I figure one direction goes into town and the other further into the forest. Also, Mitch is losing a lot of blood and basically zones out at the wheel. Hence the car crash. Like I said, anything that's not clear is my fault but I most certainly thought this through.


I guess I didn't get that there was one road in and out of where the clinic was. This leads me to wonder about the logic of a clinic that isolated. Who would build such a thing? What is the purpose of this clinic's existence? What conglomeration or independent contractor thought it would be a good idea to build a clinic in the middle of nowhere? That might be something worthwhile to add to your boardroom scene: why is this clinic here? It would be part of the Savages' argument to keep it open.


Quoted from James McClung
As for the script not ending, I wouldn't have been satisfied with leaving off where you suggested. I wasn't trying to be contrived and while it is a logical closure point, dramatically I don't think it would have worked at all.

There's still a lot of problems with this script. Originally, it was supposed to be a straight up slasher but I changed my mind somewhere in the process and reworked it as a mystery/giallo. The biggest issue is the general lack of action. I'm not sure how to go about some of these problems at this point but I hope to get to that point soon.


I've done this as well. My first script went from a conventional slasher to something a little more interesting as I wrote it. It took on its own life little by little (and rewrite by rewrite). I think the problem isn't so much HOW you ended it. It's more or less just how long the ending is. You have two characters facing off against two bad guys. One is defeated and the other is seemingly defeated. I think the biggest problem is that everything feels closed. There aren't any loose ends.

I know ending the script at 88 wouldn't give you the death of Lydia, but what dramatic purpose does her death serve? It also wouldn't give you the open-ended question mark ending of whether the board was involved in these body sales schemes. That one serves a fascinating "sequel-worthy" purpose, but doesn't add to the core story.

So if you can find a way to not close the story, then you can keep the tension ratcheted up as they get to the car. Right now, there's no tension. You're at the end of the film, and it feels over. A conventional over to be sure, but over all the same. Then, surprise, it's not over. But it's not a good surprise. Those are the moments when I look at my watch and wonder why we're still going. But if there's a dramatic reason to keep going, then we've got a reason to stay glued. Your villain needs a reason to give chase besides "just cause" as well.

Here's a thought. Mitch clearly doesn't kill Bryce, but manages to trap him somehow. He finds Lydia hurt as she is, but before they leave, they retrieve the shredded invoices from the office and their plan is to go to the police and hope they get there before Bryce can escape. Establish early that there is one road into the clinic and that there's only one possible escape, so they get on it, and Mitch drives since he's in better shape. Lydia knows his condition, and while she can't talk, she needs to indicate her knowledge of how bad off he is visually. The car would be better off rolling to a halt instead being damaged, but they're going to be pretty determined to get to town, since they'll both die if they don't. So, Bryce escapes and gets outside just as tail lights disappear. He follows and may go ahead and force them off the road. It would be more dramatic. Lydia could take off from there with the precious invoices as Mitch feebly attempts to "hold him off". Of course, injured as he is, Mitch doesn't have a prayer. Play out from there.

But you need a good dramatic reason for Lydia dying. Something where her death is not only poetic but wholly justified and expected. We won't want her to die, but we'll understand it when it happens. That's some character building to make that happen.


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James McClung
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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In regards to the clinic's location, I figure it was a primary healthcare center years back then replaced by a new, more accessible hospital. I mentioned earlier in the threat that the place was inspired by the clinic in Ithaca, NY which is essentially out in the middle of nowhere. Then again, so is Ithaca. In my defense.

I do like the idea of trapping Bryce. Perhaps Mitch could drag him into cold storage while he's in a daze like in The Shining. In that one, Jack was still alive when it happened so no one could say he just happens to come back. I did consider Bryce running them off the road as well. In fact, I would've preferred it. I opted for what happens now for the sake of keeping the script low budget. I might just go back to that (although I never wrote that scene to begin with).

Initially, Lydia was supposed to live. I opted to have her die as a means to affirm her beliefs that the world is full of selfish backstabbers. Not so much poetic as nihilistic but it does have meaning to me. This is something I'm not currently open to changing for said reasons.

"Just cause" is no reason to do anything though. You're correct. I never thought that was what I was doing but I do suppose the script needs more drive for the last couple pages.


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George Willson
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
I do like the idea of trapping Bryce. Perhaps Mitch could drag him into cold storage while he's in a daze like in The Shining. In that one, Jack was still alive when it happened so no one could say he just happens to come back. I did consider Bryce running them off the road as well. In fact, I would've preferred it. I opted for what happens now for the sake of keeping the script low budget. I might just go back to that (although I never wrote that scene to begin with).


One car running the other off the road wouldn't increase the budget since you can fake your way through that. A few cuts along with some well placed acting and sound effects and you can rip up a couple vehicles without them ever touching.


Quoted from James McClung
Initially, Lydia was supposed to live. I opted to have her die as a means to affirm her beliefs that the world is full of selfish backstabbers. Not so much poetic as nihilistic but it does have meaning to me. This is something I'm not currently open to changing for said reasons.

"Just cause" is no reason to do anything though. You're correct. I never thought that was what I was doing but I do suppose the script needs more drive for the last couple pages.


I think I missed her belief about the world being full of selfish backstabbers. That works as long as her character and the story support it. Killing off your main character is tricky and it's got to mean something to the audience, or it will come off as a "just cause" move.

Since you're killing off your lead, foreshadowing would be very, very beneficial, especially if we like her. See, you don't want to telegraph that she'll live if she'll live because we expect it but want to feel like she's in danger. However, telegraphing that she'll die brings the story to a different level because that automatically makes the audience root for her even more because now we don't want her to die.


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rogerooni
Posted: February 18th, 2010, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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wanted to take a look at a thriller script and this one seemed pretty popular so i decided to give it a go.

First off, everything flows very nicely.  Thrillers need the plot to go from a to b to c and you did a great job there.

I noticed a couple of typos and formatting errors but since this script has been up on the site for a good while I'm sure you have a new draft at home.  In any case they weren't major and don't distract from the plot.

I was very much into the action until the fighting began.  A couple of the wounds are way too serious for the characters to continue fighting.  i mean scissors through lydia's hands and she still can fight for another 20 minutes?   This in addition to a needle completely through her thigh and a pole through her chest.  She is the bionic women my friend.  I seriously thought she died with the IV pole.  The fact that she survived completely threw the credibility out of the window for me.  Look at it this way, Judith dies from blood loss due to needle point wounds in her jugular.  Now while that blood vessel is major, the wounds couldn't have been that much worse than a pole shaped hole in your chest.    

The syringe fight was gruesome to say the least and not in a bad way.  Although wouldn't needles in your eyes cause some form of blindness?  

Now Bryce must be hoped up on PCP or something to be such a marauding maniac.  He takes a fire extinguisher to the face, losing teeth and most likely breaking his jaw but keeps on ticking.  

for me the ending was fine.  Although dying from a heart attack hardly classify as justice and we never find out what the bodies were being bought for.



H.S.P  Sci Fi, Fantasy - When a splinter group instigates a desperate plot to prevent the extinction of their species at the expense of human life, a jaded Doctor and an FBI double agent is caught in a struggle between their own people and their humanity. 119
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