Steeplechase by Abel Orfao - Thriller - James Goldsmith prepares for an important music recital when he is kidnapped by a group of ruthless thugs. Who has targeted James, what do they want from him, and how can he possibly escape with his life? 118 pages - pdf, format

Thank you SimplyScripts for allowing me to post this screenplay and for providing such a valuable resource. For those interested, I have a script exchange link posted here:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1269883908/

This one didn't pull up when I tried to get going three times.  I'd like to read the script if you can email it to me.  It's Ides315R@aol.com.  Been getting a lot of scripts that don't come up now.  Don't know why.

Hello, The Richcraft. Strange, the script opened fine for me. Oh, well, I'll send you a copy via e-mail. If there's a script you'd like me to read in turn, let me know here or in my script exchange thread.

You can try the Legion of Super-Heroes that was just posted on this week's unproduced script thread.  There's also Hawkins and Dover in the previous weeks' unproduced area.

I read the script, and I wish I could say that I liked it.  It's not really bad, but not my style.  As you can see, I'm more the super-hero, sci-fi kind of guy.  And since I'm a comic book fan, I usually pepper my action scenes with some dialogue, kind of like comic panels.  So I had a hard time reading the lengthy descriptions.

Also, the part about the handcuffs seemed forced.  Maybe if you had James mention that he learned how to get out of hands completely from a stage magician or something.  I never heard of triple mobility before.  And if he got the handcuffs off completely, the scenes would have flowed better.  As a visual person, I would have spotten the handcuffs on somebody right away.  And I would have reported that person to the police ASAP.

But the main question I had was, why didn't James just ask for help from the first person he saw?  Maybe if it was late at night and he ran into some drunk revellers celebrating a sports game and he couldn't be heard, that would be more plausible.

Now I must congratulate you on using proper grammar for the most part.  It seems like very few people on these boards do.  (Don't they realize that most spec script writers are English majors?)  The only thing I didn't like was the ?! combination.  The characters were obviously yelling, so the exclamation points were not necessary.

I don't know how many screenwriting books you read, but you may want to read Screenplay by Syd Field and Save The Cat (yes, that's the title) by Blake Snyder.  They are very good at explaining the process in an easy manner.

I think with a rewrite based in America (don't mean to sound anti-Canadian, but you got to suck up to Hollywood), this could be a sellable script.  I'd also shorten the chase scenes somewhat and put in more dialogue in them.

Do read Blake Snyder's Beat Sheet in chapter four of his book.  His formula describes so many movies that he knows what he's talking about.  I hope you have some form of interlibrary loan in Canada.

Later, Richard

P.S. The script still doesn't come up.  My computer just gets stuck, and after five minutes I read the script you emailed me.  Also having a hard tiime getting other scripts to come up.  Maybe my computer is at fault.

Hello, TheRichcraft, and thank you for reading my script. I'm sorry it didn't quite live up to your expectations, and I'll respond to your comments below.

Hypermobility, or double-jointedness, is rather uncommon but not particularly rare. In fact, I snagged the idea when I stumbled upon a Youtube video of someone bringing his bound hands out from behind his back in the exact same manner featured in the script. I felt this was a more realistic way for James to escape and utilize his hands without resorting to the magic lock-picking technique usually used in these situations. Besides, the only reason James would be able to pick a pair of handcuffs or keep several copies of handcuff keys on his person is if he were a stage magician, in which case we would have a vastly different screenplay.

I'm a little disappointed you were left wondering why James didn't simply ask for help as I felt I gave enough of a reason for him to continue to run. James cannot stop and ask for help immediately after his escape because he is preoccupied with fleeing from his pursuers. When James is stopped by the truck, the driver spots the handcuffs and immediately tries to detain him for who he believes are RCMP officers. In fairness, James is about to contact the police until the teenage girls at the Skytrain station cause him to panic and call Wesley instead. Likewise, the radio and television reports listing him as a suspect in the police shootings at the mall are what lead him to call Ellen instead of the authorities. Still, I'll look this over and see if I can improve upon it.

I usually aim for economy of dialogue when I write a script which, unfortunately, leads to instances of lengthy action prose. I suppose this is a case where I'd rather have the spoken words mean something than litter a script with superfluous lines like "Hey!" and "No!" I also use interrobangs (that's the ?! combination) for clarity as just using a question mark can sometimes give a reader the wrong impression of the way a line should be read.

Although an Americanized rewrite doesn't interest me at the moment, I would agree it would make the script more marketable and could be done rather easily. Then again, considering how much I need to improve, trying to sell my scripts remains in the distant future. Thank you as well for your reading recommendations. I have read a few books on screenwriting as well as numerous scripts. My only wish is that the styles and rules they utilize weren’t so often in conflict. Than again, don't we all?

Thank you once again for reading my script, TheRichcraft, and I appreciate your feedback. I'm reading through another script at the moment, but I should be able to read your Legion of Super-Heroes script by the end of the week. If I have the time, I'll try to give Hawkins and Dover a read as well.

Abel, the part about the youtube/handcuffs trick needs to be in your screenplay.  Have James demonstrate on the internet his ability.  Having it just mentioned does not seem to work.  But having it shown in the movie when he was a child, that makes seem less forced.  That's a hard image to conjure up just by talking about it.

I'll concede on the parts about James calling his friends for help, but are calls in Canada only cost a quarter?  They're 75 cents down here.  And finding the quarter in the phone box seemed too much of an amateurish plot point.  I'd rather that James kept the quarter in his shoe next to his fifty-dollar bill.  This would be his emergency call money.

James must be in great physical condition to take all that punishment and still do those athletic feats.  You may want to ease up on the beatings.  It sounded to me like he would have cracked some ribs and had a black eye oozing with pus from the way Viktorya went overboard on him.

Hope this helps with your rewrite.  Richard

Hello again, The Richcraft, and thanks for your additional response.

Originally, I didn't want to show James's hypermobility until his escape as I wanted this unusual skill to be somewhat of a surprise. Now that you mention it, however, I suppose I could have Wesley show Felicity a video of James he surreptitiously posted on Youtube. It would allow the audience to better know James's ability as well as adding a humorous character moment between the threesome.

When it comes to the payphone call, I've now realized I made a mistake as the cost in Canada doubled to fifty cents a couple of years ago. Given the fee increase, I'll have to agree with your suggestion James keep a pair of quarters in his sneaker.

As far as the physical punishment James takes during the course of the film, well, I'll have to admit stretching the bounds of believability. After all, if James didn't have exceptional running and jumping ability as well as a high threshold for physical stress, we wouldn't have nearly as much fun of a story.

Thank you once again for your response as well as your helpful suggestions, The Richcraft, and I should be able to start on your script tomorrow.

I try to help whoever has good but somewhat unpolished scripts whenever I can.

I finished it!  My thoughts...

It was pretty good.  Definitely better than some I've read, but there are still problems.  The main concern was the story and conflict.  I think that the story would have been better if James had some sort of personal connection to what was happening.  Rather, it was like he was sucked into it when he had nothing to do with it in the first place.  What also kind of surprised me was how quickly and easily James and Ellen were willing to risk their lives for something they had no connection with.  It was also unrealistic how good a college student with no experience could fight off armed thugs and gang members so admirably and agilely -- but that's not really important as it's just part of the story flow.

I'm sorry if this sounds offensive, but your story is filled with clichés.  A conspiracy group trying to ship in illegal weapons, the villains being Russian, close-calls, dialogue clichés, foolish henchmen, just to name a few.  In addition, many action/chase sequences get redundant because you reuse several action moves more than once.  There's nothing really wrong with that, it's just maybe if I was watching it as a film, it may be noticeable and may get slammed for being a little less creative with the action.  You also sort of cannibalize certain elements from other action films, for me it was notably The Island and Die Hard.  Maxim's death in your script was pretty much identical to Hans Gruber's death from Die Hard.  

Here are some other things I noted when I read:  I only found one grammar error, on page 53.  "rush the large trash container" should be "rush to the large trash container".  You were probably trying to make the kidnapping scene surprising, but I thought it was kind of random and anticlimactic.  Nothing really built up to that moment, but maybe that's what you were going for.  Also, on page 103, I thought Ellen's first line seemed out of place.  I can tell you're trying to explain the unexplained as to fill in a plot hole, but probably the way it's worded sounds funny and sort of just dangled the answer in front of the audience's face, making it seem very forced.  You could reword it, or you could just remove it altogether in my opinion.

Anyways, your script is definitely on the good side.  My main problem with it was that the character had no connection to what was happening, as I explained above.  Just because he hung out with Cheryl once, the Russians automatically assume he's part of it?  What about all the other people Cheryl hangs out with? The story probably needs the most work, but everything else, the action, writing, grammar, etc. was adequate.  Your characters also had a well-developed back-story, so that was also another good aspect of it.  Nice work!

Hello again, rock. Thanks for reading my script and I'm glad you enjoyed it despite the flaws you found. I'll go through your response below.

James not having any sort of involvement with the smuggling plot or the sting operation was intentional. I was going for a Marathon Man-like vibe, where neither James nor the audience would understand who his pursuers were or why he was being targeted. This was also the reason the kidnapping came out of left field, as I wanted the audience to be just as startled as James.

I understand James and Ellen agree to go along with Trevor's plan rather quickly in this script. My rough draft featured a much longer scene where Trevor, determined to catch Maxim at any cost, threatened reprisals against James and Ellen if they didn't agree. I eventually dropped that part as it seemed to make Trevor too much of a villain. It's possible I may work this idea back into the script, although in a way so as to make Trevor's actions more defensible.

I agree James would have a difficult time both achieving his feats of speed and agility as well as absorbing the punishment he takes but, as I mentioned earlier, I freely confess to stretching the truth for the sake of a fun story.

As far as repetitive action scenes, I tried my best to switch between escape-, chase-, hiding-, and fight-based sequences throughout the film while pacing them out just enough to give the audience a breather before the next one.

I was a little hamstrung when it came to variations on these sequences as I didn't want James to suddenly turn into a gun-toting action hero. I've already written a script with a Rambo-like protagonist which featured endless shootings and explosions and wanted to try my hand at a chase film which featured as little of these elements as possible. This is also the reason why only one person is killed during the entire story, a death saved for the climax.

As I mentioned earlier, I did seek inspiration from other films (Maxim's death was actually inspired by the scene in Last Action Hero where Jack Slater tumbles out of a crippled glass elevator) while trying to keep my own spin on the material.

I'd love to remove Ellen's explanation at the end but I just know numerous people would immediately ask why the Russians found the trackers in the watches but not the one in the locket. I'll see if I can reword it to make it a little less clunky.

Thanks once again for reading my script, rock, and I appreciate your feedback.

Hey Abel,

You have a good story here, but for me, it took a while to really kick in. I started to really enjoy it when Hayes and Cheryl came into play later on. This is a remarkably clean draft, you’ve obviously put a good bit of time into proof reading this and it shows. It always makes for an easier read. I see you have this down as a thriller but it reads more like an action movie to me, maybe 70% here is chasing, gunshots, fighting... definitely action in my opinion.

The major problem for me was the large portions of action writing. I struggled to get through some of it and I do believe some dialogue has to be added to break it up a bit. I’ll admit I did sigh every time I moved onto the next page and saw a whole page of action writing and nothing more. I didn’t enjoy those parts as much as I should have because of that. I also think at times you over-described things and some of the descriptions could be cut but that’s the case with 99% of all screenplays.

The second half was definitely my favorite. The first half started well up until James escaped, then it was got repetitive for me. He ran. They found him. They fired gunshots. He got away. Then the second half, we finally got some answers and things kicked off for me. I think adding more tension in the first half when James is hiding from the Russians would help a lot. As it stands for me, there are too many gunshots. Three people are constantly firing gunshots at one man in all sorts of places, even a crowded mall. This makes it come across as a brainless summer action movie when it could be so much more. It also seemed a little repetitive to me. Making the scenes where James hides last longer and more tense would work wonders.

I also don’t think James had enough obstacles thrown in his way. He must have had hundreds of shots fired in his direction yet he was never hit, like he was wearing some sort of forcefield. Even having one bullet hit him in the leg, meaning he can’t run as fast or jump as far would help greatly. That means the reader would know he might actually be in danger. As it stands, I always knew James would get away when he was being chased. Even when the gang confronted him, I knew he would be too fast for them.

I didn’t have a problem with any of the characters. Everything was tied up the way I wanted in the end so I was happy with that. The only nit-pick was Cheryl giving Ellen the locket at the end. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the idea, but James shows little to no interest in her at the start of the script and regards her as only a friend. Maybe if you showed that he had some of the same feelings for her in some way and not just as a friend to him then it would be more believable.

Dialogue was pretty good on the whole. One part felt extremely forced on page two and three. It felt like you were ramming the fact that James was a fast runner down my throat with Ellen’s dialogue. I would suggest being more subtle here. I personally thought that showing James run past people with ease on the running track was enough. I would keep the line about the track team but Ellen’s line “Life must be a blur with how fast you run” was taking it a bit too far in my opinion.

I had some issues with believability but nothing major. When James escaped, he had been beaten up yet he got on the train and nobody said a thing. I think his injuries would be noticeable and someone would ask if he was alright.

I didn’t think you made the most of James being accused of the shooting of the cops on the news. You could put him right up against it here by having him try to escape from the cops as well as the Russians as they obviously won’t believe him.

I would agree with a previous poster that showing James’ friends upload a youtube clip of his trick with his arms would be a good move. I did find it refreshing than the usual lock picking techniques we normally see in movies. However, I do feel the Russians would be silly to let him get away with the same trick twice.

I would disagree with moving this to America. People are on the lookout for movies set in Canada or by Canadian writers all the time (I think because of tax issues). Check out the InkTip newsletter.

That’s all I can think of. I hope I didn’t sound too harsh here and some of this will help when you rewrite. On the whole, I did enjoy this. I just wish the first half was on par with the last 40 pages. You could have a very good script on your hands. Well done!

Brian

Hello, Brian. Thanks for reading my script and I'm glad you found it enjoyable for the most part. I'll go over your comments below.

I would have to say the biggest thing I'm struggling with is how to better balance my action writing with my desire for concise dialogue. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not comfortable breaking up action descriptions with meaningless filler. At the same time, my desire to describe a scene in the way I picture it in my head tends to cause lengthy passages dominated by action paragraphs.

The repetitive nature of the early action sequences stems from my original idea of writing this as a chase film (which explains the thriller classification). My rough draft featured one long chase scene starting from James's escape and ending with the mall sequence. Part of the repetition may come from my decision to break this sequence in two so as to better pace the film and add some length to the story. (The rough draft was just 77 pages long.)

I understand your point about how James may need more obstacles placed in his path. Unfortunately, I can't see having James suffer a serious injury until the final warehouse sequence as it would threaten to make him too much of a Ramboesque figure. I could have Viktorya shoot James in the leg before their confrontation starts in earnest. It would certainly give more meaning to her "no more jumping" comment.

I was hoping to show James realized how much Ellen cared about him and how he grew to care about her more through action than dialogue, such as the relief he feels when she arrives at the hotel or the furious anger he unleashes on Maxim when he strikes her and threatens her with the switchblade.

Thank you once again for reading my script, Brian, and your comments are most welcome.

My latest draft of Steeplechase is now online. For those interested, I have a script exchange link posted here:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1269883908/

This was a quick rewrite which sought to remedy some of the more glaring issues with the screenplay. The biggest overall change to the script was additional dialogue designed to break up the lengthy action prose. Although this tends to go away from my desire for economy of dialogue, I've done my best to keep these lines short and to the point. I'll have to confess the script appears to be more readable thanks to their inclusion.

The other major changes in this draft include Wesley showing Felicity a Youtube video of James using his hypermobility, a tweak to the library scene to better get across how James feels about Ellen, additional dialogue during the escape sequence to better explain why the bystanders don't want to get involved, and an implied threat from Trevor which coerces James and Ellen to go along with his plan. James also suffers a minor but significant injury shortly after the first escape and a major injury during the final warehouse sequence which serve as obstacles for him to overcome.

So I finished your script, it was a decent read. I'll start out by saying that, technically, you are an excellent writer. I probably couldn't find a typo in this if I tried.

I had some problems with the pacing. I thought it could of cut to James being kidnapped a lot sooner. You could loose some things in the first act to speed it up a little. For example the protest scene isn't really all that necessary and you could leave your scenes a little earlier. We don't really need to see their good-byes on the top of page 8. Same thing on page 15, it could cut after the description following James' dialog and it would be just the same.

It might just be a personal taste issue, but I find flashbacks to be an easy way out and they shouldn't be their unless it is something really cinematic that the audience needs to see. I find that your flash backs could be summed up in short dialog exchanges opposed to having their own scenes.  Instead of the first flashback James could just see Cheryl's necklace and ask "You're still wearing my grandmother's locket" and she could say something like "Well you said it's good luck" or something along those lines. Same thing goes for the next flashback, James could just say to Ellen while they are at the music hall that Cheryl just up and left with no real reason and I think it would have the same effect. The thing is that your script changes its tone rather abruptly and a little too late, I think if you are going to change tones on the audience it should be before page 20.  

I guess my main problem with this though, and it's a big one, is the villains. They just seem so stereotypically Russian bad-guys we've seen before. They come off as rather hokey as opposed to threatening. Some of their dialog is also on the hammy side, almost to the point of unintentional laughter.  For example Maxim's line "You are not a musician, little boy! You are an illusionist! Now, it is time for to disappear!" That's pure ham...honey baked ham.

I have to say I haven't read many action scripts, not my personal taste, so I'm not sure if this is a valid criticism but, you have a lot of chunky descriptive action scenes that seem to go on and on and on. They are well written but sometimes they feel repetitious and they get tiresome. I do think you need to break them up with dialog but some of the dialog you have isn't good. James talks out loud to himself a few too many times.

I did feel that your final act was good. All the action description got a little tiresome but, I'd imagine it would be exciting to watch on the screen. I also enjoyed how you tied everything up in the end.  

I hope I helped you out some, good luck.

-Tanner