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I think you need to focus more on the main story you want to tell. For me, after the promising start when Celia is attacked by her work ‘friends’, things got complicated and it felt like a series of random scenes that followed before we are brought back to the main story when she remembers the attack in the end. I don’t think the amnesia played as big a part as it should have, either. Celia should be remembering small parts of the attack and maybe find clues as to who attacked her during the script. Right now, you could be forgiven if you forgot the actual attack took place as it’s barely, if at all, mentioned. Even the sisters who tried to kill her act like nothing happened when she arrives back at work." end quote Brian M
Do you mean that the reader would forget that the attack took place?
"I also believe that it would make a great scene if you cut the part out when Celia makes the phone call the morning after the attack. It could work much better if she just wandered into the store, dressed for work. Imagine the sister’s faces when they actually see that she’s still alive." end quote Brian M
Interesting idea.
"This leads me to why. Why did the sisters want to kill Celia in the first place? It didn’t come across as random. She’s been working there for 9 years and they just decide to drown her? I didn’t buy that, sorry to say. There’s got to be a reason. Jealousy? Money? Maybe you could throw in a flashback to show how badly they treated Celia so she could be a little suspicious of them." end quote Brian M
Clearly what I fail to convey is the kind of extreme hostility that can build up at a small business. These are people who work in close quarters, every day and when they don't like each other things can become quite violent, quite suddenly. I'll work on making that more obvious for the reader (audience).
"The Harry relationship just about worked, but it could use some work. The ages slightly baffled me. Celia is 30 years younger than Harry and was 39 years younger than Conroy. I don’t know if age gaps that size are common in America, but it amazed me.
Characters could be cut. First for the chop would be Sue and Lu. They didn’t do anything for me, and just wasted space that could be used to expand on your story.
I found the dialogue very mixed. It was quite good in places, but was brought down by a large amount of exposition and the constant use of the character’s names (especially in the first half). I’d watch out for that, especially as the sisters have longish names that stand out.
Overall, if the whole story could be about her coworkers attempting to kill Celia and she slowly but surely figures out why, then this could be a nice thriller. Right now, I think there’s just too much going on for me to really enjoy it. It’s a good effort, though. Any questions, just ask! Hope this helps.
Brian
Your comments are very helpful, I'm grateful that you took the time to read and to post your thoughts.
By page 40 it has just occurred to me that it's really only the first few pages that the formatting needs re-work. Elsewhere, it's largely fine.
Being an inquisitive person afflicted with male-ness, I had to look up "piecie" hair. http://images.google.com/image.....amp;oq=&gs_rfai= Seems google wants to spell it piecey hair Good to know what I'm lookin' at at work, now. First page of your script and I'm already smarter. Thank you.
Each Saleswoman wears a SMILING FACE NAME TAG over her heart, although none of the women are smiling. Funny. Love "well intentioned/poorly executed" corporate propaganda.
Page 2 This is more of a technical software program thingie: DONNELLA (annoyed) Could we get a little work done today, Lu? DONNELLA (CONT'D) (louder) Celia! Would you watch where you walk, please? Do you know what caused the script program to insert (CONT'D) between two Donnella dialogs? Sometimes my celtx download does goofy stuff like that and I can't figure it out. Just somethin'. Edit: On page 25 I figured it out when it happened again. When one character speaks to a second and then third character you have a couple of choices. Khamanna knocked it in my head to just change the dialog. DONNELLA Could we get a little work done today, Lu? Celia! Would you watch where you walk, please? Done. The reader can clearly see D first speaks to L then to C. Alternatively, you can insert an action line between them. DONNELLA Could we get a little work done today, Lu?
She turns and yells.
DONNELLA (CONT'D) Celia! Would you watch where you walk, please? This sucks up more lines, which may or may not be a benefit. Choices.
The Last Customer shrugs, notices the buzzer, finally, exits. Quiet. SUE (softly) Five o'clock. This is why I asked about what you wanted to do with this script. Big Six Major studios and independent producers (especially start ups) look for different things in a raw screenplay, the latter being much more forgiving than the former. The gross majority of work posted at SS appears to be written for IndyProd, yet the Simply Scripts Samurai (SSS) hold every submission, great and small, to the studio standard. Go figure. (I just go with it!) The wrylies will give SSS conniptions. (Don't tell no one: I think I'm gonna start including them just to p!ss off some of these folks! Ha!) So, just to cut down on receiving cr@p, you'd simply re-write the above: The Last Customer shrugs, notices the buzzer, finally, exits. Quiet. Sue sighs. SUE Five o'clock. Ta da! Irritating wryly gone.
And the Samurai have kittens over 'ly' & 'ing' words, too. (Maybe I should write that as to, just to needle them?) Lu and Sue quickly, quietly, straighten their Work Stations at the Counter, turn the Open sign in the Front Door to Closed, etc.
Lu and Sue straighten their work stations quick and quiet. Lu flips the OPEN sign to CLOSED at the front door.
Outside the windows, DARKNESS rapidly falls. Must be winter time if it's getting dark by 5pm. Otherwise, for cinematic purposes, I'd change the time of year to late spring or early autumn. The colors look better on film and no one has to fool with snow, which I don't see being relevant to the story.
By page 4 this is a cute, hectic little small town shop sequence you've written. I would like to have a better understanding of what product or service is provided at "Duff's Space". On page 17 I see that its an advertising business of sorts. Perhaps a name change of the business would make it more apparent.
Page 5 Darkness -- someone stands beside Celia's limp form -- Someone stands to the side, opens the Back Door. The REFLECTION on the Back Door Window shows Wendianna's untroubled face. Wendianna! You b!tch! This will be difficult to shoot as darkness + her reflection is recognizable in the window. Reflections work best when it's brighter outside than inside, darkness has fallen and likely inside lights are on. To address the time of day and time of year issue there could be dark storm clouds brewing and prior mention of rain.
Page 6 As Celia turns, Donnella pushes her down again, into the ditch, holds her head under the water. Ho-lee sh!t! LOL! Kray-zee! Love it. Whatta mean buncha b!tches! I'm laughing all the way to the end of the sequence on page 7.
Page 7 I'd just go ahead and write it as "her trailer" rather than "a trailer" since she has the key to it.
Page 14 DONNELLA (CONT'D) That sixteen hundred dollar deposit never got there, yesterday. These b!tches are some kinda galling riot!
Page 15 WENDIANNA It was really busy... I'm intrigued as to whether she's just screwin' around or she really can't remember.
Grandma Elle is a fine old b!tch. Love her. I see where her two girls get it from.
Page 19 Celia returns to her chair, sits quietly, distracted -- she rubs the back of her neck, unconsciously. strike unconsciously
Pg 20 Elle speaks into her CELL PHONE. Elle reaches into her over-sized purse, pulls her cell phone then calls.
By page 21 Celia's a regular Cinderella whipping post, ain't she?
Pg 25 Celia (with jacket on, purse over her shoulder) counts the money in the CASH DRAWER, locks it. No need for those parenthesis
CELIA Night, Lu. CELIA (CONT'D) (calls) See you in the morning, Donnella. See page 2 solution.
Pg 26 There're three slugs ending in MOMENTS LATER. That looks kinda funny to me. I'd be interested in finding out if that is screen writing industry acceptable or not.
Something isn't right on this page. Wendi gripes at Celia "I told you I needed to talk to you, you were supposed to remind me!" Immediately followed by "Not when I'm swamped! I'm begging you, remind me tomorrow, first thing.". Wendi runs upstairs, sits with mom and sis then "Celia? It's about, it's about the --" money on pg 27 That was a weird jump from the exchange just downstairs. Something to address in the re-write.
Pg 29 CELIA The thing is, I never got that sixteen hundred dollars. But it's missing and now we have to find it. insert hundred
Pg 31 Whut? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culottes Makin' me smarter every day. I'm surprised a 60yo trailer park kinda guy like Harry would recognize and remember what a culotte is to recite back to Celia. He gets an A for tryin' in my book.
Pg 33 CELIA That's how he meant it. It's just sand, of course. Struck by lightning. strike Struck by lightning. Surely he would know by now.
Pg 37 ELLE High tide brings the stink of the whole ocean. My God. Elle's quite a hag.
End of Celia and Henry at diner sequence. I like that your aren't afraid to create an aspiring atypical... whatsit called? November/May? relationship between a 60yo fella and a 40yo woman. That's refreshing to see. Additionally, I like how you've created a very realistic "She's obtuse to his amorous goals" scenario. I find that especially realistic, as well.
Pg 40 Okay. Harry the stalker? = Not cool. It happens. Too often IRL, but definitely not cool,
Nobody believes her. Unfilmable. Lu and Sue lean heads together giggling and smirking in an ugly way.
From the reviews I see several suggestions for ditching Lu & Sue. I say keep 'em. Make them the Disney dopes whose sole purpose is to provide comic relief in their background shenanigans. It doesn't have to be over the top stupid activity, but simple little things. I think of the Flit & Meeko characters in Disney's Pocahontas.
Pg 43 Celia brushes past Donnella, coolly. strike coolly
DONNELLA (O.S.) Celia! Phones are ringing at the Counter! The line immediately before this needs to state the phones begin to ring. Also, if I follow correctly, there's the downstairs shop space, a narrow hall to storage, back door and stairwell to the upstairs office (presumably there's a bathroom somewhere!). If Celia is at her upstairs office desk while Lu & Sue answer the phones where is Donnella to be yelling off screen? She has to be either on the stairs or in the hall passageway. Not that she isn't a hag and just yell for the halibut on general principles.
Pg 44 Beach front?! Ocean Avenue?! Is this setting a non-specific New England coastal town?
Harry tries again, to speak. HARRY (CONT'D) So... you like to walk on the boardwalk? On your lunch break? A: Since he actually DOES speak, you can cut the whole line about he tries again. B: Harry the stalker. Creepin' me out. "She doesn't get it, you old perv! Move on!" LOL!
Pg 45 HARRY (CONT'D) That's how you got all muddy, I mean. CELIA (uncomfortable) It's no big deal. Harry should be smart enough to know that if Celia had fallen off the boardwalk at the ocean beach that she'd be sandy not muddy. He could reconsider his own statement. Celia shouldn't be quite so easily dismissive. She's an emotionally resilient woman, but not stupid.
HARRY (CONT'D) That's how you got all muddy, I mean.
He looks at the beach sand, scowls.
HARRY Or sandy.
CELIA I almost forgotten about that!
She laughs.
CELIA I thought it was a dream. I've been so busy! Oh well, it's no big deal.
Celia shakes her head, starts walking and talking faster. Not nice of her to run a 60yo man a little faster, even though he did kinda invite himself along for the walk. And he just hopped out his truck, presumably not prepared for Celia's cardio-walk.
Pg 47 CELIA (CONT'D) And James said to me "My dear, your beauty can be disruptive, but that's just a fact of life." Awwww! He loved her so. (And just to be begrudgingly fair, Harry the stalker gets some brownie points for holding her arm across the street.)
HARRY I never understood that name "Duff's Space", what is it they sell, anyway? Harry "We were like brothers -- myself and James and Conroy, that's Donnella and Wendianna's Uncle Conroy --" from page 31 should have a pretty good idea what goes on at Duff's Space. And he isn't too bright to keep bringing up the subject of woman's dead husband as often as he does. Harry needs to work on his small talk skills if he wants to get her culottes around her ankles. Ha! However, I see the point in bringing the subject up for the audience. Maybe he can just straight out ask "How's the ad space selling biz, these days?"
Pg 48 Harry searches for something to say. I feel sorry for the poor old stalker. The obtuse-ness of women makes it so difficult for us guys. We JUST wanna shag. Is it that difficult to figure out? Sigh... I suppose it is. LOL! You're writing is insightful. Keep this.
Pg 48 HARRY (CONT'D) And I can try to remember where I left my car... SUV or truck
Pg 49 Elle, Wendianna and Donnella sweep the floor with small brooms. State names in descending age: Elle (70), Donnella (40) then Wendianna (38 ).
Wendianna and Elle make exaggerated scowls at each other and giggle. I hate these b!tches.
The above sequence looks kinda funny only in it's placement in context to the previous and following sequences. Celia returns from her lunch-break cardio-walk along the boardwalk, jump to night time closing, jump to next day working the counter. That's some funny time jumping. And there should be another (griping/ugly) reference to the missing $1,600.
Pg 52 SUE You have a daughter? Co-worker, especially female, no matter how cookie-fixated she may be, would know by now if Celia had a daughter or not. Change to "Niece in town?" or simply "Who's that?"
Pg 53 Lu and Sue laugh out loud. I'm having a mildly difficult time figuring out just who Lu & Sue have an allegiance to, and suppose that's why most reviewers are suggesting cutting them. If they are fickle, and their allegiance vacillates between Celia and the sisters then I guess I'm missing it. I still think you should keep them, though. But I don't have a strong opinion on HOW to develop them, just that their roles should be more apparent. Sorry!
Dozens of violets have sprung up through cracks in the sidewalk -- Celia points to them ecstatically. Okey dokey! Spring time it is! Wonderful. Just need to fix that sun-setting time of day thingie.
Pg 54 HARRY (CONT'D) I keep getting distracted by the pretty scenery! Oh, Harry. You slick, sweet talker, you.
Pg 56 Why does Harry stomp on the empty boxes? Weird. And the buzzer thing is going to have a payoff later, right? Kinda like the school bell thing?
Pg 56 A female LIBRARIAN (45) sits at the Circulation Desk. Harry leans down to speak quietly to the Librarian. Harry approaches the ... HARRY Do you know if you have a book by Harry Jilbear? Doesn't Harry "who wrote a book" know how to use the card catalog or look such things up himself on the library computer that he's about to use? You could keep the hopeful/helpful/let down/sad/bemused change in emotions by having Harry actually looking at the appropriate section on the shelves where the librarian happens to be re-shelving books. Include Harry pulling his reader glasses from his shirt pocket. Pretty much the same sequence transpires.
Pg 59 MAN IN LIBRARY (CONT'D) I love pornography as much as the next guy, but that stuff, with the frozen animals -- LIBRARIAN And dead women! Well, they look dead! MAN IN LIBRARY And one thing after another getting rammed up the backside. The three look at the screen a moment, unsmiling. HARRY It does stick to a theme. LOL! OMG. I can't wait to see where this debaucherous little road goes. I think it's hillarious that the librarian ALREADY knows what content is standard fare on an obscure little porn mag. LOL!
WAITRESS Oh, you talking about that "Cold Cruel World" shit? LOL! OMG! Everyone in town knows this sh!t EXCEPT for Harry & Celia! Too funny. You better not put Ophelia in a CCW publication!
Pg 60 As Elle turns the pages, her face shows plain confusion and then horror, back and forth. C'mon you old b!tch! Get with the program! What follows is a nice sequence, BTW.
Pg 64 CELIA (carefully) That's the kind of sketches they used to use in "Cold Cruel World". HARRY Yes, I guess it was, I thought of it as kind of a poor man's Betty Grable. Ol' Harry ought to be having a mild heart attack by now or at least some display of anxiety, having JUST had a lovely lunch with the librarian and waitress discussing this very same obscure, fetish publication out of the clear blue sky.
Pg 66 Celia pumps her fists in the air. Oooooh-key dokey. Celia sure is some piece of work, ain't she? Goodness gracious.
HARRY I wish I could, I mean I really wish I could -- HOOORAY, Harry!
Pg 70 The Waitress approaches their table -- Celia stands, takes one of the cinnamon buns, frowns at Harry, exits. Celia is officially "off her nut".
Pg 71 Donnella drives -- she looks hungrily at the cinnamon bun in Celia's hand -- Celia breaks it, passes half to Donnella, who wolfs it down. So much for the "Mrs Dawn's Cookies" scene she made the day before.
Pg 74 DONNELLA So I figure you and I can run some tests, on the soil and water, just random tests and get an idea. CELIA That's good thinking. LOL. No. Not really. Sounds kinda... effed up and stupid, but Elle/Conroy/Don/Wen all seem kinda effed up and stupid so why the H not? And Celia: You're an idiot, now. LOL! Probably need to figure some other ruse for Donnella.
Pg 77 Celia leaps to a neighboring tree -- keeps climbing horizontally, from branch to branch, tree to tree. Nah. 40 year old women, no matter how healthy from their cardio-walks along the boardwalks, don't jump from tree to tree like lemurs. Gotta figure out another escape sequence.
Pg 78 She swims carefully down the shore line, hanging on to rocks when she can -- she pauses to catch her breath. CELL PHONE RINGS. Celia fumbles in her pockets, retrieves her phone, spits out a mouthful of water. CELIA Hello? Listen, I can't really talk now, would you meet me at the West Allen Tavern? I've ruined several cell phones by dropping them in water, briefly. Her escape needs to stay out of the water. I like how James Bond-ish sure of herself that she'll make an appointment shortly at the West Allen Tavern.
By the end of the page I'm wondering if Celia has any regard for Donnella back at the toxic ink dump. And I don't understand the flashback or why Celia knew to slink away from Donnella's voice.
Pg 80 As Harry drives back through town there needs to be some more reference to them driving by Duff's before Celia remarks on it.
Pg 81 As Harry slows to make a left turn, Celia slips off her seatbelt, opens the door and jumps out. Ho-lee moley. The girl is nuts.
Pg 82 Celia gets to her feet -- starts walking, stumbling, toward her trailer (a block and a half away, around the corner). remove parenthesis.
Pg 85 Celia wraps her arms around her ribs, suddenly feels pain. Flash back memory pain?
That shooting sequence was weird. Did Mom, Elle, just start flippin' out and shot her own daughter, Donnella?
Pg 87 WENDIANNA (shrieks) Freedom of the Press! Somebody call News Twelve New Jersey! Ah! Finally. A setting. Work this up to the front of the story somehow.
Pg 88 Elle makes a sign of dismissal. Can't. "Elle, in handcuffs, sits in the back seat of a Police Car", pg 87
Pg 89 Celia had one blanket from page 87, now she's getting another.
POLICE OFFICER You want the medicals to have a look at you, Celia? That might be a good idea. change to paramedics
POLICE DETECTIVE Neighbor just said the Duff girls attacked Celia on a previous occasion. Is that right, Celia? Need more detail on this like which neighbor and which attack?
Pg 91 POLICE OFFICER I need somebody to sign a receipt -- Whut? What kind of receipts do police need in this situation?
LU Will you come back, Celia? I'll bring a plate of cookies -- CELIA (laughs) And we can get some holy people to drive out the bad energy. Celia and Lu hug, cry. CELIA (CONT'D) A Priest, a Rabbi and a Shaman walk into a store... Cookies make everything better!, and... there's a story missing there.
Pg 92 Police Car takes Wendianna -- Ambulances take Elle and Donnella. Donnella was shot in the neck (lightly) but Elle was just knocked in the shins and tripped. No need for a hospital visit there. Police take away Wendianna and Elle. Ambulance takes away Donnella.
Done-ola!
I really liked the first third. Love the setting and setup. I think the story loses steam at about the halfway point and the last third needs to rumminate some more.
Figure out what to do with the school bell, the door buzzer and the Ophelia leads. They go nowhere. Or scratch 'em. Remove all references to Harry doing stalker stuff. I like Harry. I also like Lu & Sue. make 'e, funny w/o being stupid. Have him already parked at the boardwalk finishing lunch, reading the paper, ask if she'd mind if he tags along. Consider bringing his age closer to hers. I can swing with a 20yr gap, but it's not really relevant, so make him at least only ten years older. 40 & 50 = no biggie. The reason the magazine crept from one format to another needs more clarification. Dad's "problems" should be made into just plain, good old fashioned "mountains of debt". Fix the swamp chase evasion thingie. Have Celia get away, dry. Receive the call from Harry, Celia state "I think Donnella just tried to kill me", THEN have Donnella try to run her off the road forcing her into the water. Definitely spring weather, otherwise hypothermia might be killing your protagonist! The pipe thing at the end was weird. The shoot out needs more... "WHO has WHAT goal" described into it. And... I look forward to draft 2!
Oh, and change Celia's last name that doesn't have the word for excrement in it. If it's all just arbitrary to you, Crepsey or Cressy or Craft would work just fine at keeping the Cold Cruel World / Celia C - whatever thing working. Two thumbs up!
Thank you, RayW, everything you say is helpful, and it's a great pleasure to hear that you hate my b!tches and laughed at things that I intended to be funny.
All of your comments will be useful while I'm working on the next version. Useful and greatly appreciated.
Regarding Celia in the trees, what can I say, she's my idea of a superhero.
And the waterproof cell phone, I figure it will be invented any day, now.
Hi Cathy, (I think I saw you call yourself that someplace)
I haven't read all the comments to your script, but seem to remember there was some argument going on here in the beginning. I personally wouldn't call this one a thriller. Not really a drama either. I thought of it more like a comedy. Please don't take that the wrong way. I thought Celia was a really goofy character, but she seemed to have a heart and came across as a nice likable person. That's more than people said about the characters in my script. I thought everyone was a bit over the top in their emotional jumps and exaggerated motions. That made me read it more as a comedy. I also saw this a little bit as a Cinderella story and the Duffs being the evil step-sisters and step-mother.
The other characters were weird too, but not so interesting.
I felt weird about Celia and Harry though. She's 40 and he's 60. I know that happens, but I got the impression Celia only dates these "old" guys. Am I wrong?
Story wise I'm not sure what to say. I think the 16K disappearing wasn't really enough to create any real tension. They also seemed like they didn't worry that much about it either which further diminishes any kind of tension or seriousness.
I also was a little thrown about the sudden introduction of hard core porn. I don't think that suits this script as Celia is this good hearted kooky/absent minded person.
I didn't get why they drove out to the woods to take samples of the ground. I'm assuming Donnella wanted to kill Celia, but she totally botched it?
Anyway, here are some of my thoughts as I read it.
No cover page?
pg 1. You have five characters introduced right off the bat on the first page. That's a lot of character info to absorb. At least to me.
You also have them all, along with customers who are not named, in a store, but I have no idea what the store is about. Is it advertising or was the sign advertising? The store is 15' x 15' and has grey walls and floors with no furniture. That gives me absolutely no idea what it is they do in there. May want to rework that. Okay, so they do advertising. I only knew that after the Last Customer reveals it. Why not have some posters or something on the walls inside so we understand what they do earlier on.
Not much happens in the first four pages. None of the action or dialogue distinguishes the women from each other. I haven't really learned anything about them yet. Maybe you can do a little character reveal through some of the dialogue. I liked how you so lovingly described the women's movements.
pg 5. Why is there another FADE OUT and FADE IN?
pg 6. Confusion here. On the previous page, Wendianna is seen in the door window. On this page Donnella tells Wendianna to call 911, but then she pushes Celia into the water. Is that intentional or did you write the wrong character by mistake? Okay, I see. They are both in on it. But why then would she tell Wendianna to call 911 and then help Celia up if they're just going to push her under again?
pg 8. I find the dialogue here a little hard to follow. Maybe because of Celia's confused state.
I'm having a little trouble believing that Celia can't remember the ditch incident and who did it. She wasn't unconscious when they tried to drown her and they were talking even. She must have heard their voices. If the incident gave her amnesia, how could she remember how to get home and that she has to call in to work?
I like the "smiley" face name tags. Works great against all the hostility and anger.
pg 18. I don't get if Elle is supposed to be in bad shape or if she's angry when she gasps and throws her purse. Maybe clarify that part.
Do you mean unconsciously or subconsciously?
pg 20. Don't really get Elle's behavior. I'm assuming she's not supposed to be likable because she's not...
pg 23. What was the reason for the coffee grounds? Sort of a set-up with no pay-off.
I'm almost getting a Cinderella feel here... Did you intend on that? I'm on page 27 and it almost seems more comedic than thriller'ish.
I'm also wondering how come Celia didn't get any injuries after those boards.
pg 32. Not so sure we need to watch Celia and Harry talk about clothes for a whole minute. I think most of that can go.
pg 34. Lots of exposition on this page...
pg 35. No need to repeat that Conroy was their uncle.
pg 39. It appears Celia does have bruises. Seems very weird to me that no one has mentioned them. I can understand Donnella and Wendianna, but what about the others. If they are involved in this, someone should still mention it for the story to resemble some truth so far. Even if they're lying because it will be frustrating for an audience to see them and no one in the film does. IMHO.
pg 40. How do we know no one believes her?
pg 48. Another FADE OUT and FADE IN?
A lot of talking about seemingly unimportant things. I hope they come into play later...
pg 63. Don't really see how the talk about James funeral fits in here. Seems a bit odd to me.
pg 65. "I have a feeling that I should have some really good clean sex right now"... That's a bit out of the blue, isn't it? Unless she was turned on by "Cold Cruel World" that is. Which would be weird since from what I could tell has kinky sex with frozen people. Wow. Somehow I have a feeling I totally must have misread something...please tell me I did.
pg 70. Is Sheila's trailer right near the diner?
pg 77. Celia is a monkey now? It's fine if you want this script to be comedic. Otherwise, I'd change that if I were you.
pg 78. Wouldn't her cell phone be ruined after the swim? She doesn't care what happened to Donnella?
pg 86. More FADE OUT and FADE in? That's more of an editing choice isn't it?
pg 87. Police from neighboring tows arrive? Why not keep with the small town feel and let the local Police handle it?
pg 90. The police wants someone to sign a receipt? For what? Don't they usually have a police person overseeing things and keeps track of items removed from a crime scene? I don't know. Just seemed Like a really odd thing to say. To me at least.
Hi Cathy, (I think I saw you call yourself that someplace)
I haven't read all the comments to your script, but seem to remember there was some argument going on here in the beginning. I personally wouldn't call this one a thriller. Not really a drama either. I thought of it more like a comedy. Please don't take that the wrong way. I thought Celia was a really goofy character, but she seemed to have a heart and came across as a nice likable person. That's more than people said about the characters in my script. I thought everyone was a bit over the top in their emotional jumps and exaggerated motions. That made me read it more as a comedy.
Hope any of this will be helpful
Pia
Pia, thank you for your comments, it is very useful to have your reactions. I can understand that there are things in my screenplay that seem to defy understanding to many readers, evidently I need to work on many things.
I did intend there to be many comic elements, and for the characters to be over the top -- that's typical of my writing and I'm coming to realize that it's not particularly engaging to most readers. Oh, well -- back to the drawing (and quartering) board.
One point, about Celia suddenly wanting to have sex after being confronted with the Cold Cruel World porn -- my intension was to show that Celia wanted to redeem sex, for herself -- she wanted to shake off the images in the magazine through action with Harry. By the reactions from readers, I guess this didn't work very well.
Much of what evidently seems to be unimportant conversation between Celia and Harry was intended to show that Celia goes into a panic whenever he tries to talk about her being all muddy and, he thought , drunk or stoned -- the idea is that Celia blocks out the reality that she was beaten and left for dead, she just doesn't accept that it happened until she is confronted with violence, again.
That was my plan, anyway.
All of the questions that you raise are things that I will give much attention to during the next rewrite. Your time and your comments are much appreciated.
I don't think he problem is Celia wanting to have sex with Harry at that point. It's just the bluntness with which she goes about it. I'm a girl who likes a little seduction!
One point, about Celia suddenly wanting to have sex after being confronted with the Cold Cruel World porn -- my intension was to show that Celia wanted to redeem sex, for herself -- she wanted to shake off the images in the magazine through action with Harry. By the reactions from readers, I guess this didn't work very well.
I got it exactly that way. Looks like you and I were the only ones.
It may have been a non-standard response, but certainly within the realm of reasonable. I think people/readers are getting hung up on any predictable aspect. Was Celia's response predictable? Likely not. But is it understandable once she states it? Oh, h3ll yeah. Easy.
Celia is very much wrapped up in her own sweet, little head. The rest of the world is a very small snow globe which she looks into. She MIGHT have had sex with Harry, but it wouldn't have been "making love". Two different things. She had therapeutic intents for purely personal reasons. Not amorous.
That part, to me is as if someone gave me kiddie porn to look at and in the next scene I want to have sex... It would put me off for a long time. I do agree it's a bit blunt though.
Wow, I was quite confused as well about Seamus' response. Hmmm...especially after the last few soon to be deleted "comments" in that other thread about how Pros do it...scary shit, man...
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