Quoted from George Willson Thanks for the read, Ray. Couple things. The beginning isn't a dream sequence at all. It all happens about that fast.

Well, I know that now - once you get to the end!
But as it's being read, in real time, - it chops rather dream like, which is appropriate for someone coming off Angies' wack-out juice.

From Seamus:
>> I have to say, i misread that rapped on the nut line at first and it wasn't pretty!!!<<
Yeah, I experienced a rather unpleasant phantom pain myself reading that.

It was "rapped in the nut", not "rapped in the nuts." Big difference.

And Seamus, you do make a good point and yet, how would one fix it? You know she's up to something, so the ending isn't form left field, but do you still feel cheated because there's no way to guess what happens? Does the story need clues for you to work out the ending before you get there? Do I need a huge intricate Saw-like flashback sequence to reveal everything that leads up to it (provided I put it all in there)? I tried to keep her consistent throughout without giving anything away since her character wouldn't make any accidents.

It's a pickle, to be sure.

I will pat myself on the back that you couldn't guess the ending.

I would prefer a few more clues beforehand to the flashback afterward.  I kind of feel like in a really good thriller there should be enough clues that I should have guessed it, if only I had been smart enough to put them together.  After the reveal,  when I re-think it, or even better, see it again, I want to see all the clues I missed and be able to connect the dots.

Kind of like The Sixth Sense.

Hi George, congrats on completing the challenge.

Here are the notes:

Page 1-4, I didn't like characters talking to themselves in situations like this. Almost like telling the audience what they are thinking.

Now the dialogue becomes almost comedic. "I don't know you either" to the mirror.

Seriously, all these dialogue should be in V.O. because they're all his thoughts.

The premise and the opening scene is intriguing and definitely has a thriller feel, but you have to find another way to show what the MAN is thinking. Or just cut out all of the dialogue and show us the action.

Page 5, you didn't introduce HOOD 1 in the description.

Page 5, I liked the transition where the MAN is swung around outside the warehouse and then flung into a chair in the boss's office. I can visualize that.

Page 10-11, the fight and chase scene can be written snappier and punchier. All these long sentences slow down the read, and make the scene less exciting. I'm just nitpicking here though.

Page 14, I'm not sure the Woman would invite the Man into her house yet.

Page 26, the Man and Angie's dialogue can sound more natural, even though they're telling each other what happened.

Hey, this is a zippy read for me, and I think I'm getting into Act II on page 29.

The story is promising. It has that Memento feel in it, especially Angie is like Natalie in that movie, trying to help out the Man but I have a feeling she's up to something of her own.

Good work so far. I guess I'm the only one who praises you so far?

Herman

Page 34, a different slug is needed to show Angie and Man because they're underneath a trap door. OR the Hood dialogues need to be in O.S.

Page 37, What?! The Man hasn't realized he has no shoes on all the time?

Bottom of page 37, who are the "they" in this paragraph? The Hoods or Angie and the Man?

Page 41, where is this INT. HOUSE? I thought Angie lives in an apartment.

Page 44, a picture coming to life is kinda fun to watch. It's not a bad thing.

Page 48, okay, please stop the Man talking to himself. A few mumbles are okay. But not like a long paragraph. Oh....hahaha. Seems like you're making fun of yourself.

Page 49, the Boss's last name, Welter, is too alike much the dead man's, Walter. I don't know if this is a clue to something. If not, you better change it.

Page 59, hey, I liked how you showed the switching of guns here.

Page 61, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease, no more the Man talking to himself. You have to find some way to dramatize what he's thinking. This section almost reads like a novel.

Page 66-76, I think you could've trim some of the dialogue here. Although they do read and flow nicely, there isn't a lot of new info or characters revealed here. They're just redundant.

Page 81, hmm.....the car door wasn't locked?

Page 82, NICE!! I knew I should've guessed that, but I didn't. Kudos.

Ending sequence, too much exposition and the dreaded "villain talk" that explains everything. Her motivation still feels like a stretch to me. But whatever, it's the ending already.


Hey George, this is not bad, not bad at all. I didn't get why other people can't finish it, but I throughly enjoyed it. Some parts may be a bit redundant and it gets tiring, like fighting off the goons, driving around in the car, going back and forth between the warehouse and Walter's home. But it's entertaining.

Just rework some parts of the story, polish up the typos and formatting, and you'll have a good script here. Cheers.


Herman

Thanks, Herman. This script has come off as a mixed bag, really. The story itself is pretty decent. It's got some good stuff in it, and some nice twists to it. The presentation is killing it as well as some of the minor points. I've already got some ideas on fixing some of the bigger beefs. I'm definitely going to cut probably half the dialogue and see how much I can make into action only. I'd like to avoid the VO if possible, but when you have a single character for an extended period left to nothing but his thoughts, it's almost unavoidable. It's an onscreen deal. He's got to converse with someone in order to communicate the unshowable (or reasonably unshowable) stuff to the audience.

My biggest weakness on this one was that I didn't move it to the next draft before presenting it, but I don't think I would have it at all without the deadline, so for that, I'm grateful.

So once I read everyone else's 7WC, I'll get into rewriting this one. Got some good ideas to throw in there to clean it up really good and make it that much better. Thanks all so far for the great comments. Even bad reviews are good ones since it shows you cared enough to tell me it sucked.

Hey George,

Congratulations on completing the challenge. There are a few typos and the like, but others have pointed out the missing scene headings in the beginning, but I will say that I was never lost and things were clear to me anyway.

SPOILERS

I’m actually surprised at some of the reviews for this as I thought it was quite well done. Sure, there are many areas that could be improved, but as it stands, I fairly enjoyed it. So much so, I didn’t take any notes so I’m just going to have to go from memory here.

Although I liked the ending, especially since it wasn’t the typical “Hollywood ending” we are treated to so often in 90% of the films nowadays. I liked how it was similar to the start and tied everything together nicely. The problem has already been mentioned, though. There’s not a chance that the reader can guess it before it happens. You’ll need to throw some hints in here, nothing major that will give it away, but something. I see you are tempted to go with Saw-like flashbacks at the end, and that could work, too. Although, in Saw, there were many clues throughout, the flashbacks just pointed them out to us.

I’d agree that it’s obvious right away that Angie isn’t who she says she is, but for me, that’s unavoidable. In a story like this, every reader in the world is always going to suspect her. There was a giveaway for me on page 27, when she said “THAT Walter Jenkins”. Considering she said she was a friend of Walter, referring to him like that caused the alarm bells to ring. Also, on page 69, she says “or you have her who won’t even acknowledge that you clearly have a problem.” How does Angie know that the woman doesn’t acknowledge he has a problem? She wasn’t in the earlier scene when she kicked him out of the house. Again, this confirmed that she knew far more than she was letting on. Other things, too, like how eager she was to help the guy who just might have killed her ‘friend’.

Quick note about ‘The Man’. I would keep his name as it is. In a film version, we wouldn’t know his name so why should you just add a name in the script? It all makes sense in the end, anyway. I think people are just finding it a little confusing as they are used to named characters throughout a script and this will annoy them as it’s different.  

I could definitely see this as a film, very noir-like feel about it, It would also cost very little to produce. I do think the scenes where the man talks to himself would come across very badly on screen, though.

Dialogue was a bit of a let down for me. Some of it felt flat and could use a little work. This is understandable for the Man, as he does ask a lot of questions, and we expect that. But Angie, and Boss Welter, along with the hoods, I think you could bring them to life more if you spice up their dialogue.

Things got a bit repetitive for me into the second half. You know, Man fights the hoods, captured, escapes. Fights the hoods again, captured, escapes. Maybe you could work a way around this, as I fear it could come across a bit dull on screen and people may lose interest.

I noticed a few comments about the transitions. I thought they were great. It’s something I wish I could use in my writing more. They were all very well done.

I would have liked more of an ending for Boss Welter and the remaining hoods. They deserved an ass kicking, or even better, killed! Maybe that’s just me.

Overall, I enjoyed it, and with some work, it could be really good! I didn’t have any problems following what was going on as you revealed the information, but I can understand why some stopped reading as the first half when  very little is given to the reader to work out. Good work!

Brian

Hello George,

Thanks for posting our work and completing the 7WC.
Finishing a feature length script is a major accomplishment, content not withstanding.

This amnesia script excels in the area I felt the majority of them struggled.
You have a lot of visceral organic discovery here, not too many static flashbacks.
I did not have a problem with your transitions or slugs, the read had flow.
The only one that tripped me up was page 43, the Vacation picture sucking thing.

I really didn't connect to any of the characters here at all.
I would have never let Angie take out that case, it felt weak.
The Keystone Mob did nothing for me, incompetent even by 80s standards.
The stolen item doesn't figure into the story, it could have been anything. Meh.
It has no significance, just gold. Does it mean anything to anyone in the story?
John says he might be married one page and bangs Angie on the next. Classy.  
I definitely stopped caring about John right there, was that your intent?
Establishing his lecherous ways? Angie seems slutty for pounding the Amnesia Guy.

Page 60, can we dispense with Jennifer please? Why does she need to be there?
Sorry friend, but I can't take a "wife" who's that overtly vague seriously.
Why is she so vague? Because the jig would be up 30 pages sooner if she wasn't.
She spends much more energy concealing harmless facts than I can believe.

The climax. Buckets and buckets of exposition during hand to hand combat.
I LOL'd at page 90, "a view to a kill", that was hilarious!
Angie delivered about as much exposition as Christopher Walken did in that film.
I can only assume you put that in there as a wink, well, it amused me lots.
Though I think I would have preferred Angie be more like Grace Jones.

Your tech skills and pacing are on target. I had zero problem reading straight through.
Thanks so much for letting read your stuff, I really appreciate it!

Regards, E.D.