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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Unforgettable - 7WC Moderators: bert
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  Author    Unforgettable - 7WC  (currently 27994 views)
Don
Posted: September 5th, 2010, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Unforgettable - 7WC by Jeff Bush (dreamscale) - Thriller - A dream vacation in Barbados quickly turns into a nightmare for Jack, when his wife disappears and he has to fight through the maze of a lost memory to find her. 105 pages - pdf, format


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stevie
Posted: September 5th, 2010, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff. Just finished this!

I've made a few notes , which is sort of a first for me!
Well done for you and the other guys for getting the challenge done! Now you all have a script that wouldn't have been there otherwise - good job.

Jeff, you have done a tremendous amount of research on this - the settings, names, all show a great deal of painstaking assembly. Your writing is crisp and fluent as usual - I have found a few grammatical errors which I'll list but they are relatively minor and don't really affect the success of the story.

One thing I noticed which became a bit annoyiing - you have a few characters described as Bajan, which is fine. But in their inital dialogue, you put a wrylie stating they have a thick Bajan accent. Totally unnecesssary!

You have a heap of flashbacks during the script. I feel you have to go over them and use supers on some, especially the ones that are set years before the current scenes. If this was filmed, the constant FB's could get confusing to the viewer. Just my opinion though...

POSSIBLE SPOILERS****************

Ok, I'll get to the nitty gritty - the ending. I'm assuming that Jack was having mere visions of Mitch all that time? It was sort of obvious halfway through that Mitch ahd been the one having the affair with Julie. And no explaination was given at the end to say how Mitch could've survived the fall and then having his head smashed in!
i know you were using the dragonfly as a metaphor for the soul or something(I think) so maybe that was to do with it. Or perhaps you were hangin to finish and the end was a bit scrambled.
Don't get me wrong, its ok but needs to be hinted at more, I feel.

Here's some notes i made as I read:

Not sure what page but an action line reads - 'Jack continues toward the beach, dead ahead'.  This sounds a bit odd.
There are numerous instances of unneeded words having capitals: Bachelor Party, Hell, High Five, Newlyweds, etc Also DRAGONFLY and BAT could be deemed overuse of it thought e dragonfly is used to good effect.

page 28:  in the real world of Australia, ASS is spelt ARSE!!!!!  lol, couldn't resist, bro!

As I said in the PM, Nick and joe's scene at the casino doesn't really serve any purpose, but for some violence. Nicely written but added nothing to the story. The same with Glenville and Shauntee rooting later on - added for titillation. No prob with that though...
Page 34: Glenville's line...'You see patients just take off like this' should have a question mark as its sounds funny.
Page 35. Addinton's dialogue is cut the page - more - continued thing on your software.

Actually, something I noticed on the formatting of this script - there is like a double space after full stops in dialogue and action. Like a big gap that stood out for me. Obviously its to do with the settings of your software. It could cut the length of the whole thing if changed, dunno but I noticed it early on...

Pge 67 - Three new characters aren't capped.

Anyway buddy that's about it! Well done again! With a little more revision and perhaps different views of the other SSers, this will be a neat little script. I will check out the comments as people read it and get back to you!

Cheers stevie



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mcornetto
Posted: September 5th, 2010, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie

i know you were using the dragonfly as a metaphor


Jeff uses a metaphor?!  I have to read this.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 5th, 2010, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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First of all, thanks, Don for posting all these 7WC scripts so quickly!  And also, thank you for making such a fantastic site available to all us writers from around the world.  You rock!

Thanks, Stevie for such a quick read and review.  Totally appreciate it.

Awesome catch on Addinton's sons not being properly CAPPED upon intro.  DAMN IT!!  How'd that slip?  It's already changed.  Thanks.

SPOILERS

I'll E-Mail you with some info, cause I don't think you really "got it", based on what you said.  I was worried maybe it's not quite crystal clear enough in the finale.

I just use capitals on certain words and things, like Heaven, Hell, etc.

I'd rather steer clear from SUPERS here, and I think in a filmed version, things would be fairly easy to follow...exact years and ages aren't what matters, really.

Glad you seemed to like it, and I look forward to seeing the completed new Headlong.

Thanks, mate!
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grademan
Posted: September 5th, 2010, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff!

Damn, this was good for a 7WC entry!  

The beginning was bumpy as I tried to navigate the montage, the number of character introductions, the flashbacks, and the setting.  Once I hit the scene with the mother’s first message, I was turning the pages quickly.

Everything flowed well except for the rhythm of the switching between scenes and flashback. I’d be interested to see if anyone noticed this.  Not a big deal.

I liked the story as is but wonder how it would have read without the supernatural impact of the dragonfly and the mother’s messages.

You did a good job of keeping my interest right thru the twists at the end.  I figured Mitch for the other guy but you twisted that one well. Good ending. Clever.

Very clean draft. Very good style also. Good to see how you do it instead of telling us how you’d do it. Show, don’t tell.

Attention to story detail was very good. Ski in Barbados? Yup just googled it.

Gary


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary, thanks, man!  Appreciate the quick read, review, and compliments very much.

I knew the montage would be difficult for some, but since it’s only 2 pages, I figured I’d go for it, as it really does say a lot and come into play, when you think about things (more on that later, after others have read).

As for the character intros, Flashbacks, and settings, I don’t know.  What are you saying exactly?  There are a lot of Flashbacks for sure, but IMO, there are so many that it becomes second nature and part of the feel of the script.  As I said to Stevie, I honestly believe that in a filmed version, it would be very clear when a Flashback was occurring, and s long as you realized it was a Flashback, the exact time it happened doesn’t really matter.

SPOILERS

I will go into much more detail on the “supernatural” elements later (or I could E-mail you, if you’d like).

Glad I was able to keep your interest.  That’s always a good thing.  Very happy the twists worked for you and hope you understand completely (again, more on all this later).

I did spend a good amount of time doing research for this.  All locations are real except Shauntee’s Bar & Grill.  I spent a week on Barbados, 15 years ago.  Harrison’s Cave and Welchman Hall Gully are awesome places.

Thanks for the compliments on cleanliness and style.     I always try to edit as I write, and I’ve read this over at least 15 times, but things always seem to slip through, as Stevie noted in my missed CAPPED intros.

I’ not sure what you mean about “ski in Barbados” though.  No one was doing any skiing in Barbados.  If you’re referring to the montage scenes, that was all way in the past, and far, far away from Barbados.  I actually was going to use exact locales in the montage, but decided to keep it a bit more “dreamy”.  If it’s confusing or not 100% clear, I will make those changes.

Thanks again, Gary.  I really appreciate your input.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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I thought the skiing was supposed to be in Barbados as well, till the end.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS



No, no skiing in Barbados.  Barbados is a tropical island.

The skiing, sky diving, kayaking, and SCUBA diving did not take place in Barbados.  If you didn't know that, or understand now why, you are missing a MASSIVELY HUGE piece of this puzzle, which again, will have to be explained later.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Short review:

Overall thoughts. I enjoyed it. When the story really kicked into gear in the second half it was a very enjoyable ride.

The writing was very good, as I'd expect. It's a good script on its own merits, for a 7 week challenge it's very well done indeed.

The twists and turns were good, you got some things quite easily (I figured Mitch's story (both of them) quite early on, but it was good in that you never knew for sure.

The scene with the mother dying was very emotional, that's a side to your writing I've not seen before.

The Cons:

1. The story is interesting, but it's quite small. A guy trying to find his wife. There's nothing wrong with it per se, but it lacks a certain hook. If you could find some way of introducing a bigger story-line into what's already there (sex trafficking, drugs, politics etc) you might find a way to raise it from a good story to one that has more of a marketable USP.

2. The first half of the script developed largely through dialogue. I think you can cut down quite a lot of the chatter and build up the story more visually, particularly because you've got such a cool location. The Caribbean in general has a very intoxicating history (slavery, colonialism, its attempts to find its own voice, the music etc). It's a very colourful place and I didn't feel you quite captured enough of the ambience of the place or wound it into the script enough.

3. Also, I found that in the early scenes the flashbacks interrupted the flow and tension too much. The overriding problem with flashbacks in general is that because they've already happened they lack dramatic tension. They undermined the narrative drive of the core mystery. Sometihng to look at anyway.

4. I didn't fully believe in the characterisation of the Bajan Police force. They felt very American. There's often a lot of criticism of the Police Force over there (corruption, brutality, deference to the upper class at the expense of the poor etc). I think there's scope for more density to their portrayal...this might also allow you to introduce a further layer to the red herrings, have certain of the police seem to be part of the mystery.

But all in all, these are minor concerns, I enjoyed it.

Oh, one other thing: Thought the dragonfly thing was a bit old hat...really because it felt like it had come directly from the film "Dragonfly" with Kevin Costner (a much underrated film imo, but that's another matter). Although saying that, I still quite like it.

Rick.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  September 6th, 2010, 4:23pm
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sniper
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Jeff.

I'm gonna starts off with something I just have to get off my chest: I don't think I could sit through a movie with that many people speaking with a Bajan tongue. You know, one comedic sidekick speaking Bajan is fine but 10-15 people...? Sorry. Just a personal opinion.

Okay, mon. On to da review, mon - it will include SPOILERS...mon.

As you already know, I didn't have a problem with the opening montage - or the one at the end. I thought they worked and I see now why you didn't name the TWO CHARACTERS in the beginning (obviously that would've thrown everything off). Interesting ending, bud. I thought the ending elevated this from being...somewhat mediocre into something good. It did feel a little rushed but ends have a tendancy to do that.

I was a bit worried when you introduced the dragonfly - and the way you did it as it kinda reminded of the Kevin Costner movie with the same name. I still think there's a little too many parallels that can be drawn with his dragonfly and yours (but that's also where all similarities end).

You know, at one point the interactions between Jack and Mitch actually made me think of another Kevin Costner movie, Mr. Brooks, cos' - just for a moment - I had a feeling that Jack and Mitch might be two psyches of the same person, but the scene with Julie - after they got back from Vegas - completely destroyed that.

Like Gary, I had Mitch fingered for the other guy right away. I mean, he just reeked...bad, you know. What really struck me as odd was the fact that after he "arrives at Barbados" he calls Jack at the hospital and tells Jack - who's busted up and shit - to get in a car and meet him. I understand why you did it that way - given what he really is - but that had all the alarm bells ringing. That's just wrong. Nobody would do that. I think you could easily have had him come to the hospital and pick him up without destroying the illusion.

I didn't really have any major problems with the flashbacks or the structure. Yeah, sometimes they got in the way of things but they usually do - don't they? No, my problem with the flashbacks was that they seem to come...rather convenient. Jack didn't really have a whole lot  of trouble remembering stuff when he had to. And toward the end, all Mitch had to say was "remember" and Jack would. One thing I didn't get though (or maybe it wasn't clear enough), had Jack completely suppresed the death of his son up until the flashback on pages 39-41? Or had he suppresed them, then remembered, then lost it through his amnesia and then remembered then? Either way, I don't think it was executed very well. This is a important event but you sort of breeze over it. Also this should have been the scene where Jack becomes likeable - cos' this is the biggest problem with the story.

Jack is not likeable - I imagine you want him to be - and if he had been, it would've made the ending that much stronger.

Let's go over what we know about Jack. We find him banged up, suffering from amnesia, his wife missing. Does he express concern for his wife - other than a couple of lines here and there? Does he begin a search of his own (think Harrison Ford in frantic)? Does he even seem to miss his wife? No. No. No. He hooks up with Mitch and reminisce about old times over a line of coke and a shot of booze. Exactly the opposite traits you'd want in your leading man. Watching him doing what he did made it very difficult for me to root for him. Strike that. It made it impossible for me to root for him. And this is very problematic. Even if he turns out to be "bad" in the end I still need to invest in him emotionally for this story to work for me. Now this is just my opinion of course, it'll be interesting to see how other readers feel about him.

I don't have any major problems with the writing. I would have written it differently, but hey, different folks - different strokes. Same thing goes with the dialogue. I personally think you've got too much dialogue but I know you like that stuff so I can't really fault you on that. I was surprised to see a few format hick-ups - Stevie mention the sons whose name were not capped, you also missed a (V.O.) on page 22 (Julie on the phone) - and a couple of weirdly (is that a word?) placed commas. I know you only had 7 weeks to do this one - but c'mon, this is you we're talking about here, bro, Mr. Format himself

As far as show and don't tell goes, I think you managed quite well, although I felt you did a little too much show AND tell in certain places. Some of it was overkill - especially Julie's affair. We got it the first time around. No need to hit us over the head with it so many times. Some of the flashbacks could also have been cut a little shorter me think. Unlike Stevie, I didn't feel the Vegas flashback was not needed - to me it was character development (especially for Mitch) but I do think it could have been a little shorter. However, the scenes between Shauntee and Glenville were a distraction. I didn't care about either one of them and I still fail to see what their little fling has to do with the story overall - other than resulting in Glenville showing up a little too late at the end.

But other than that I thought it was a good read. A fast read. A good ending that saved what was - in my opinion - a somewhat mediocre story.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Rick, thanks so much for reading and giving your valuable feedback so quickly.  I really appreciate it, and it means a lot to me.

Glad you found it enjoyable.  Like most of my scripts, the 2nd half is where I tend to kick things up. Actually, I’m a firm believer  that a movie needs to finish up on a high note, and leave a strong impression.  It’s always what I strive for, anyways.

Thank you for the compliments.  7 weeks isn’t a lot of time to come up with a concept and write a feature.  It was tough, but I really gave this everything I had and wanted to prove to myself that I could indeed do it.  Glad it showed.

I’m actually thrilled Addinton’s Mum scenes worked for you the way I planned.  It’s actually funny, cause when I was rereading the script, those scenes stuck out to me and I actually felt a little emotional, which isn’t my norm.

You may or may not be aware that pretty much all my writing is based on small concepts, that I try and infuse some different angles into.  Same goes with movies that I really like.  Small scale plots, mixed up and presented differently.  Guess it’s just the way I am.

Yeah, I’m also a chatter bug for sure.  I did make an effort to keep the banter to a minimum, but that minimum may still be too much for some.  I tried to infuse some interesting scenes and visuals into the first half to keep things entertaining.  I always am into character development in the early going, and that tends to be dialogue driven for me.  I could (and probably should) infuse a little more Bajan ambiance into things early on, but I did try, and was aware of it.

Gary said the same thing about the Flashbacks early on.  IMO, the reason they feel this way early on is because you’re not familiar with the flow of the script yet.  It is a heavy Flashback oriented script, and the more you see them, the easier it becomes to accept it for what it is.  I hear you for sure.  It was something I was concerned with early on, but once things got moving, I actually really liked the way it flowed.  It’s different for sure, and because of that alone, it may feel “different”, and sometimes, as you know, “different” can seem like a bad thing.  Will be interesting to see what others think.

I did a lot of research on Barbados, and the Royal Barbados Police Force, as well.  You are spot on in what you say.  There’s a lot of stuff about these gangs that stop people on roads, tell them the road is out, give them an alternate route, and then demand money.  The police are fully aware of this, but do nothing about it, as if they’re possibly even involved.  I didn’t want Barbados to come off as bad place, or the police to seem like bad people.  I wanted Addinton and Glenville to be likable protags, as it was key to the story.

Ah, yes, the dragonflies…I also think the Kevin Costner film of the same name was much underrated – I really liked it.  It’s kind of an odd nod to it, actually.  I wanted to use them a bit differently, but still have the audience aware that they definitely meant something.  I did a lot of research on them as well, and it’s quite astounding how much info there is on them, and what they mean to different cultures.  I decided to kind of paint my own meaning into them.  Glad you were OK with them overall.  It was one of my worries for sure, and if it proves to be an issue, they are easily replaced with something else or done away with completely.

Again, Rick, your opinion matters to me and I appreciate your time, feedback, and suggestions very much.  Thanks!!
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 7th, 2010, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Rob, my man, thanks so much for the quick read and comments.  Your input always means a lot to me.

Funny about the Bajan accent thing…but, you may or may not realize that the 2 main Bajan characters (Addinton and Glenville) do not speak in a thick Bajan accent, so I think you’d be OK, sitting through this.

Glad the montages worked OK for you. You know I was concerned early on with them.  As it sat for awhile, I got to thinking they’d be no problem, so thanks for telling me so now.

Very happy the ending worked for you, too. As you may or may not know, for me, the ending of a script/movie is everything, and I always try and throw the most power into the ending.  My girlfriend said she thought the finale read rushed as well, but I don’t see that…what felt rushed to you?

As I mentioned to Rick, the dragonflies were a nod to Costner’s movie, which I really enjoyed.  I did want it to share a somewhat common thread, but be completely different, like you mentioned.  We’ll see what others have to say.  I think, based on what you’re saying, you were OK with it, right?

Good, I wanted people to wonder about Jack and Mitch, and the scene you’re referring to, the Vegas aftermath, was intended to shoot down that possibility, and start the mystery up again in a different direction.  Glad you brought that up, cause it’s good to know.  It also provided a little action, nudity, and shower sex.  

SPOILERS     SPOILERS


I think it’s fairly obvious Mitch turns out to be the “other guy”, and I wasn’t trying to hide it…completely.  I originally planned on having Mitch arrive at the hospital, but IMO, that would have opened a whole new can of worms, the more I thought about how it played out.  My girlfriend agrees with you, an has told me a few times that she thinks it would work better.  but I am not completely ditching the possibility of that change, though.

Glad the Flashbacks weren’t a problem for you.  Yes, you are 100% correct, in that the Flashbacks are rather convenient, but I think they always are, as it’s really a screenwriting device for showing past experiences that the writer WANTS to show.  I tried to really mix them up and show what may seem to be very random events, but then tie them all in, in various ways.

Good question about Jack’s amnesia, involving his son,  Jimmy.   I guess you’re right, enough time is not spent here, and it’s far from clear.  Here’s what the deal is (but there’s no way anyone would know this from reading – I really didn’t think anyone would bring it up or dig that deep)…In the hours and days that passed Jimmy’s death, Jack completely blocked out the event.  As time passed, it became a subject that no one discussed.  He immediately “changed”, drinking, drugging, removing himself from life, basically.  No one had brought Jimmy’s death up in years, so at this point, he is just “remembering” it, as if it just happened.  Does that make sense?

Another great point about our main protag being unlikable…I don’t completely agree with that assessment, but I did have my doubts as was writing, so it’s a great point to discuss, and see what others think.  Do I want Jack to be likable?  Well, let’s just say I don’t want him to be completely unlikable, but as events are revealed, it’s inevitable that Jack’s likability meter will be heading downhill for sure.

There are obvious reasons why Jack does what we does, after Julie’s disappearance, and acts like he acts.  These “reasons” are revealed through various Flashbacks.  But, I think it’s important to remember that Jack doesn’t remember what happened to Julie.  The things he does remember over the course of the day are not things that put Julie in the best of lights, if you know what I’m saying.  Which kind of brings up the question, is Julie a likable character?  I’d say she’s probably not.  It will be very interesting to see what others think about this.

One thing I do want to bring up is that my hope, and assumption, is that Addinton and Glenville are likable enough that the reader will actually be rooting for them.  Which is why they each have a rather detailed character and back and side stories going on.

Yes, I am a chatter bug for sure.  Can’t help it.  I tried to cut the dialogue back, but I’m sure there’s still too much for some, like you, buddy!  I made a very conscious effort to have the dialogue be very different for different characters, and hopefully that shown through.

What can I say, man?  Yes, even the best mess up sometimes with an error here and an error there.  Great find on the missing VO – I’ve got it fixed now…thanks!

As for Julie’s adulterous ways, the point was to show that Jack was spiraling downward, as he was becoming more and more certain of what was going on.   And also, remember, that everyone is not as keen eyed as you are.  Some need to be hit over the head with details to really get it.  I’ll give it another read and see if I agree there’s overkill, but I’ll also wait for others’ opinions.

I agree with you about some of the Flashbacks being able to be shorter.  They could for sure.  I just kind of liked how they played out and couldn’t cut  ‘em back.

Cool!  Very happy the Vegas Flashback worked for you as character development, because that’s exactly what it was, and it was to show how tight Jack and Mitch are.

I’m actually very surprised you didn’t like Shauntee, as she has actually gotten rave reviews from every reader I’ve had (prior to posting).  I always feel the need to create a life for all the major characters, and this little side plot just gives more life to Glenville. I think Shauntee is a really cool character, personally.  She’s funny, witty, sexy smoking hot, and provides some good titillation.   I just wanted to add some romance, and I really like her…and Glenville.  I think he’s got a lot of character as well.  We’ll see what others think.

Cool!  Glad you enjoyed it, Rob.  I really like hearing it was a fast read for you, too.  I agree, as I’ve read it about 15 times now…it does seem to read quickly, and that’s always a good thing.  And, of course, I’m very happy you liked the end, as it is the whole crux of the script, and that’s how I always try to write.

Thanks again, my friend.  I’ll read Purgatory soon and post my comments.

Take care!
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sniper
Posted: September 7th, 2010, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
My girlfriend said she thought the finale read rushed as well, but I don’t see that…what felt rushed to you?

I think what I needed was a scene (possibly a flashback) that at least hints at Jack's violent tendencies. Nothing major, just a little bread crumb. Yes, you did have the scene (flashback) where he breaks the glass and cuts his hand but I would have liked to have seen him show a little of his "other" side in a scene where he's sober and not high.


Quoted from Dreamscale
As I mentioned to Rick, the dragonflies were a nod to Costner’s movie, which I really enjoyed.  I did want it to share a somewhat common thread, but be completely different, like you mentioned.  We’ll see what others have to say.  I think, based on what you’re saying, you were OK with it, right?

Yeah, I'm totally okay with it. The reason is probably because I, like yourself and Rick, really like Dragonfly. I don't why that movie never took off. I thought is was really good. Had I not liked the movie though I guess I wouldn't have been as okay with you using the dragonfly in your story.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Which kind of brings up the question, is Julie a likable character?  I’d say she’s probably not.  It will be very interesting to see what others think about this.

That's good question, I don't know why I didn't touch upon that one. Yeah, you're right, she's not very likable. Well, that's not entirely true. She does have a few scenes where she comes across as a loveable wife but mostly - and in particular when her affair is revealed - she comes across like, well, a bitch.

I'm just thinking out loud here but isn't that a little problematic as well? Her being unlikeable? Agreed, the story isn't really about finding her, but we don't realize that until we're close to the end, so wouldn't it work a little better (up the tension so to speak) if she came across a little more likable - at least to start off with? That way the audience would easier root for Jack (even though he really doesn't do all that much to find her). Again, just thinking out loud.


Quoted from Dreamscale
One thing I do want to bring up is that my hope, and assumption, is that Addinton and Glenville are likable enough that the reader will actually be rooting for them.  Which is why they each have a rather detailed character and back and side stories going on.

Addinton worked for me because of the situation with his mother but I couldn't really connect with Glenville. So he has a hot date. Big deal. To me that whole scene with Shauntee was a tangent that I didn't need. Even if she's got a GREAT ASS (to quote Al Pacino).


Quoted from Dreamscale
My girlfriend agrees with you

Sounds to me like you need to listen to her a lot more, bro


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 7th, 2010, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Rob, my friend, thanks for keeping the back and forth going here.  I really appreciate this kind of stuff and feel that it really helps.  I’ve tried to do the same in a few others threads, but the authors don’t seem to agree that it’s helpful, and I’ve even had a few people who haven’t even read the script jump in and attack me for what I’ve said, the way I’ve said it, and generally just telling me to butt out.  Who knows…

SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS

Here’s the deal with old Jack, and his “violent tendencies”.  He really doesn’t have any.  For the most part, he’s a good guy. Yeah, he cheated on Julie during his bachelor party, and he’s the kind of guy that spends a good deal of time with male friends and doesn’t include his wife on multiple trips, but he’s not the kind to be violent unless violence is brought on him (as in the Vegas Flashback).  In no way did he intend on hurting/killing anyone.  He reacted extremely poorly when he saw what he saw in the finale, and he definitely went WAY overboard with Mitch in the end, but he did try and save Julie.  He was just whacked out on coke, drunk, out of it from being beaten up, and again, did things that were out of character.  I do hear you about some sort of foreshadowing…or maybe just a little more foreshadowing.

Luckily, Dragonfly is not a mainstream flick, so chances are good that not many will even relate to it, or be aware of it.

Julie, and Jack for that matter, are probably more likable than they seem when it’s all said and done.  They were a loving, happy couple up until Jimmy got killed.  Jack went off the deep end and Julie reacted like many women would.  She went back to the guy she used to date before Jack (I know this is only mentioned once and in a way that many will miss, but the back story is that all 3 met in college, Julie and Mitch dated, and then Jack moved in on his best friend’s girl, and ended up marrying her).  They remained close friends (Jack and Mitch were obviously best friends) throughout their lives.

I wanted to give various clues that both Jack and Julie were not perfect, or flawed characters, I guess.  Same with Mitch.  You now I like keeping things “real”, and in real life, few can afford to live in glass houses, and most have a past that contain things they’re far from proud of.

As things progress, it becomes clear that from Jack’s perspective, Julie is the one who seems to be “the bitch”, and it’s this that sends him over the deep end…but, in the same way, it was Jack who caused Julie to stray into Mitch’s open, waiting arms.

So, I hear you for sure, but feel like each of them are most likely “likable” up to a certain point, and even though each has their obvious flaws and has made obvious mistakes, and hopefully the audience can root for both in their own different ways.

Love the thinking out loud stuff, dude…totally!  It really helps getting others perspectives on issues like this.

Glenville had more than a hot date with Shauntee.  They are somewhat of an item, and it’s already common knowledge at the station, although Glenville ties to play it down.  Shawntee is one hot little number, and it’s a well known fact.  Damn, I wish you like her more.  He’s got some great lines, IMO.

Yeah, I should listen to my girlfriend more…but wouldn’t that be too easy?  

Thanks, bud!
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c m hall
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

This is a wonderfully scenic script, on the screen it would be beautiful and keep the audience engaged, I think.
The tragic under current in the story line seems to suit the glorious surroundings; any sort of casual love, hate, jealousy would seem especially trivial next to such awe inspiring scenery.
I think the flashbacks with Mitch and Jack at the casino go on too long.  
One other thing that comes to mind is that (around page 90 something) the hand that appears and attacks Woodie ought to be described, we ought to at least be able to see that it's a white man, and possibly see his wristwatch.  
Another thing is that Jack seems to be an awfully high functioning drug addict, I guess some are, up to a point.  
I'm not sure about the Montage sequences at the end, it seems self-mocking to the story, especially with the Nat Cole song playing in the background.  Otherwise, could be a very entertaining film.

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