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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Unforgettable - 7WC Moderators: bert
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  Author    Unforgettable - 7WC  (currently 27998 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading and your feedback, Catherine.  I appreciate it.

Glad you liked the visuals.  Barbados is a beautiful place for sure!

I tend to agree that the casino scene runs long.  There were just a number of things I wanted to get across at that time, in that Flashback.  I’ll give it another look.

SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS

I also agree with you about “the hand”. I’ve been toying with inserting something here for awhile, but chose not to, as I didn’t want to make a point of “showing” the killer’s identity (and more so, I think most wouldn’t remember which watch belonged to who…so…maybe I should throw it in here, and if anyone cares to look back and see who it is, they can, but everyone else will just know it’s 1 of the 2 of them).  I think that’s the direction I’ll go.  

I actually wouldn’t call Jack an addict.  Although you probably wouldn’t know it from what’s on the page, it’s not like he’s doing lines and getting hammered 24/7. He’s definitely doing these things too much, but again, he had stopped the coke prior to the trip.  It was Julie’s behavior on the island that got him started again.  Another thing to keep in mind is how coke works.  It’s not like one can’t function while on it, and when one is rather used to it, the effect is pretty much energy and power.  Hey, everyone’s different…I know people who are stoned out of their minds, pretty much every waking hour and if you didn’t know it, you wouldn’t know, period.  Others, give ‘em 1 beer and they’re doing the Lambada.

I don’t follow what you mean about the end montage being self mocking to the story.  Could you explain?  You know the bookended montages are identical except that the end one shows the detail of who’s actually taking part in the various activities, as well as a little added dialogue and detail…and that’s the entire reason for both of them.  You are most likely assuming one thing after seeing the opening montage, but when you see it again, at the end, you see that it’s probably not what you were originally assuming.   You know what I’m saying?

I was very leery about starting with such a montage and playing it over a classic song.  Both are considered definite “non-no’s”.  I sent the opening montage out to a few friends, and they all liked it, so I decided it would be OK.  I’m actually surprised no one has said something like, “Hey, you can’t use an exact song and certainly not that one!”  But, for me, the song (and title) just fits so perfectly, I could not resist using it.

Thanks for the compliments.  Your feedback is much appreciated.
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c m hall
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS


Quoted from Dreamscale

I don�t follow what you mean about the end montage being self mocking to the story.  Could you explain?  You know the bookended montages are identical except that the end one shows the detail of who�s actually taking part in the various activities, as well as a little added dialogue and detail�and that�s the entire reason for both of them.  You are most likely assuming one thing after seeing the opening montage, but when you see it again, at the end, you see that it�s probably not what you were originally assuming.   You know what I�m saying?

.


SPOILERS
Sure, if that's what you intended then you've achieved your aim and I gladly withdraw my objection.
My original thought was that showing the "good times" again, after so much heart ache made a mockery of the opening montage.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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No need to withdraw any objections, I just wasn't sure what you meant.

Thanks.
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Ledbetter
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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I have not had anytime this week to comment on the 7WC scripts as of late.

I will be trying with my very busy schedule to give what thoughts I can on all of them, but I will be the come latley on this thread.

First off, Jeff, Great job first and foremost on your outstanding comments on (I think) most every script in this challange. This site owes you a debt for your insite and (sometimes a little strong) opinions regarding what you are commenting on.

Sense FADE TO WHITE, was writtin, I believe you kept your pen quiet. It is nice to see both the excitement you and all of the participents held during this challenge as well as the final product you have produced.

This is one fantastic script my friend. For it to be written just shy of two months, shows the maturity of your work. I do feel there are some areas that need polishing, but why would there not be on a 7 week script.

I have to leave the line by line items to those who are good at them. Me, myself, if anyone knows me, am not.

Jeff, GREAT JOB!

Shawn.....><

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Ryan1
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff,

Figured I owed you a read after all you've given me.  Good job finishing in 7 weeks.  You've assembled a fairly detailed story for that time period.  Gotta say, though, I didn't care for this story.  By the end, I was just confused and not too entertained.  Maybe, like Stevie, I just didn't "get it" and I'd appreciate it if you could PM over any details I missed.

On to the script.  From a formatting and grammar standpoint, pretty clean.  Easy on the eyes, plenty of white space.

Now, I've never been the biggest fan of flashbacks.  In some scripts, as in this one, they are a necessity.  But only in moderation.  In your script, the flashbacks are really the engine powering the narrative forward.  Every couple of pages it seems that Jack gazes upon some object and has an incredibly convenient flashback to tell us more details and move the story along.  IMO, the result is a stilted reading experience where we're having these fragmented memories spoon fed to us.

SPOILERS

With Mitch, as you've already commented, it's obvious from the get go that he is somehow connected to Julie's disappearance.  On pg 61, when Jack says, "No, I never saw him,"  and then Mitch blinks nervously, you really take away all doubt.  Also, on page 68, when Addinton visits his mother in the hospital, she says "The missing girl is waiting to cross over."  So, now we definitely know Julie is dead, and that immediately drains away some of the suspense.

On pages 81-82 we're in Jack's flashback to the cave fight scene.  Jack is knocked unconscious in the fight, so how would he remember the moments before he regained consciousness?

The ending...like I said I'm afraid I just don't get it.  Jack killed both Julie and Mitch earlier when he found them embracing in the forest, and his amnesia is sort of self-induced, like when his son died.  Is that right?  So, all these appearances by Mitch were either "Fight Club" type hallucinations or drug-fueled ghostly images of Mitch?

So my questions would be:

What did the cave fight scene have to do with the final scene?  
The revelation that it was Mitch in the opening montage...how does that play into the overall story?
Did Woodie know that Jack killed Mitch and Julie and wanted hush money, so that's why Jack killed him?  

As someone already said, it's a "small story."  I could see this as a TV movie, maybe.  But I think the constant reliance on flashbacks slows the pace and robs the story of its tension and momentum.  And the two "giveaways" I mentioned earlier really killed a lot of the suspense for me.

Wish I could say I liked it more, but there it is.  But good job on going for it in the 7 week span.

Ryan

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Ryan1  -  September 8th, 2010, 10:08pm
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seamus19382
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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Jeff,


SPOILERS -


Congratualtions on finishing a screenplay in seven weeks.  Very impressive.

This is really good.  Considering tha it was written in 7 weeks, it's really, really good.

The writing is great.  Clear, clean concise.  Really nice.

I think Julie needs to be developed a little more.  Was she cheating with Mitch the entire time she was with Jack, or did it just start up again after Jimmy died?  Either way I think we need one more beat to make that connection.

I like the scenes with Addinton's mom, but I don't like the superantural aspect of them.  If her husband can tell Addinton to find the girls killer, how come he can't mention the fact that Mitch is dead and Addinton's going to get stabbed in the stomach?

I don't mind the Mitch is dead angle, but when Jack gets a call from him on his cell phone, it kind of makes us believe that he is alive.  Dead men don't make phone calls.

I;m not quite sure what the last montage is supposed to mean.  It actually kind of leaves me with the feeling that Jack and Mitch were having an affair, which isn't what I think you were going for.

Again, really nice effort for seven weeks!
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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LedHead, thanks for the compliments on my reviews, though most curse them…and me.  Nice to hear the other side every now and then.

Also, big thanks on the compliments on this script.  It’s appreciated.  This was a great learning experience, and fun at the same time.  My hat is off to all who completed their scripts on time.

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Dreamscale
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ryan, thanks for jumping in and providing feedback.  It’s much appreciated and very helpful.  Yeah, you bastard, you did owe me some reads.  

Sorry you didn’t care for this.  Ending on confusion and not being entertained is definitely not what I was after here.  Let’s see where it all went wrong for you.

SPOILERS    SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS

I’m not a big fan of Flashbacks either…usually.  And that’s the reason I decided to go balls out and make the Flashbacks share equal billing with the story occurring in current time.  You’re right, my Flashbacks are indeed my engine here, but not completely.  There are 23 Flashback sequences.  3 of them are rather lengthy (the casino, the cave, and the gully).  Do they come about “conveniently”?   Sure they do.  It’s a script…for a movie…for a crowd that requires such things (to move the story along).  They also come rather haphazardly and randomly at first, which was my attempt to make them seem less “convienant”.

Does it create a “stilted” reading experience?  I don’t personally think so, but you guys will be the judge on that.  Would it make for a stilted viewing experience?  I definitely don’t think so.  As I mentioned to someone else, earlier, IMO, Flashbacks can be jarring, therefore, I tried to change things up by using so many, that it should come across smoothly, once you get into the flow and understand that there will be A LOT of Flashbacks.

Mitch’s connection to the disappearance, IMO, is not “obvious from the get go”.  But I’m also not trying to hide his connection either.  By page 61, you’re an hour into it, so that’s pretty far from the get go.  And, understand that the single line you’re referencing is a line I chose to include.  Why did I include it?  I wanted to draw “more” attention to Mitch.  Actually, the bigger reveal is on page 54, where Addinton and Glenville learn that Mitch has been on the island much longer than Jack thinks.  It’s at this point, when you should be thinking something’s not quite right, and the line you brought up, 7 pages later, confirms it.

The stuff on page 68 that you brought up, is an interesting point.  Early readers wanted that line cut, and I chose to leave it in.  Maybe it should go.  I wouldn’t say that you know anything based on the line.  You know damn well that many such lines are used as red herrings, or just used to literally conceal the actual facts in a movie.  So, I don’t know.  It’s a good point and I’ll definitely think about it.

Your next point about the cave Flashback is a great one.  Awesome catch!  Jack gets knocked out on the very bottom of page 81, and then comes to at the very top of page 83, so we’re talking about a full page (the attempted rape) that he didn’t actually see.  It’s an easy fix, though.  Jack just won’t be out cold.  Great catch there, Ryan!  This is the kind of stuff I totally appreciate, and it totally slipped through the cracks.

I’m not sure what you don’t get in the end.  Jack killed Mitch for sure.  He tried to save Julie, but she lost her grip and she fell to her death.  I’m actually rewriting this scene (slightly) to show that Jack really did try and save her.  It will only be an extra couple of sentences, but they should help show exactly what went down here.  Is his amnesia self induced?  I don’t know.  Are you saying you think amnesia is self induced in general?  I don’t think so.  Everyone’s different, and everyone reacts to tragedy differently.

The deal with Mitch, which could be eluding people (I’m not 100% sure yet), is that he’s plain and simple, a ghost.  He’s not a hallucination, and he’s definitely not a drug-fueled image.  He was killed in cold blood by his best friend, so he comes back to make sure not only Jack knows exactly what happened, but also so that he pays for his sins.  That is the big reveal and twist that fuels this script, so if that doesn’t work for you, chances are good that the script doesn’t work for you either.  I tried to include many different elements that would make this a fun read and ride, but the ending is where the power lies, for me, at least.

OK, let’s answer your questions…

What did the cave fight scene have to do with the final scene?  Nothing, really.  The cave fight scene shows how/where/why Jack got beat up, and got his bell rung, which most likely played into his amnesia.  It also is the reason why everything went down the way it did in the finale, as Julie decided right then and there, that no matter what, the affair was over, and she was ready to try and save her marriage.
  
The revelation that it was Mitch in the opening montage...how does that play into the overall story?  I tried to explain this earlier to another poster.  Go up a few posts and you should see it there.  Basically, it’s just a final little twist to show what Jack’s all about…and it wasn’t all about Julie.  

Did Woodie know that Jack killed Mitch and Julie and wanted hush money, so that's why Jack killed him?  Woodie did not see Jack kill anyone.  He knew Mitch and Julie went to the gully together, and he’s the one that told Jack this.  He is also aware that something is up, as Julie is missing and Addinton and Glenville are on his tail.  He wants his money period, as Jack had not paid him yet.  Jack kills him at the end to try and cover all loose ends.  Basically, in the end, Jack has lost it completely.  Mitch saw to that and the coke and booze only helped fan the flames.  In the end, Jack is downright crazed, as he takes Woodie out, and tries to kill Addinton as well.

It is a small story, and it’s supposed to be a small story.  Based on how it plays out, I don’t think there’s anything small about it, personally, though.  Pretty much all my writing covers small events that I try to put a different spin on, and create larger stories.  I’m not into all the BIG, intricate plots.  They don’t interest me.  I like small…on a BIG scale!

A TV movie?  HUH?  Dude, c’mon now.  How do you see this as a TV movie?  It’s a hard R rating all the way around, as well as a big budget.  It’s far from a TV movie.  Ryan, damn, man.  A TV movie?  No…no…no.  

I wish you could say you like it more, also, but you never can please them all.  That’s OK.  I really appreciate your detailed feedback.  It’s a big help.

Thanks, man.  Take care.
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Ryan1
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff,

When I say TV movie, I didn't mean that as an insult as some tv movies I've seen are better than a lot of the crap I've seen in the theaters.  It's just when I was readng this, with the love triangle and double crossing during a romantic vacation,  it really reminded me of a tv movie.  And I think this could be filmed on a very modest budget, which I think would be a plus to a lot of producers looking for this kind of story.

With Mitch, I can honestly tell you I knew he had to be in this story for a reason, and it was a lot more than helping a friend.  Just the way you introduce him with the phone calls, it instantly creates an air of suspicion.  And, as Seamus pointed out, it's certainly strange that Jack is receiving these calls from a ghost.  Odd behavior for a ghost.  When he first came into play, I thought you were giving us a red herring, but by the end of the first act, I'd figured he was definitely involved in Julie's disappearance in some way.  

I'd get rid of Addinton's mom's line on pg 68.  It definitely gives away a lot, IMO.  True, it could have been a red herring, but it seemed doubtful to me, given that she was on death's door.  I knew from that line that Julie was dead, and up until that point I was thinking maybe she was in on the disappearance with Mitch or perhaps some other scheme I hadn't figured out yet.

I will say something I forgot to mention in the original review...I like how you fleshed out the secondary characters.  A lot of scripts like this make the cops cardboard cutouts who's job is to only "find and speak out the clues."  You breathed life into Addinton and Glenville.  Even Woodie.

So this script wasn't for me, but I see you've gotten some good reviews here, and any script that creates a discussion is a good thing.  

Ryan
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Seamus, thanks for the read and comments.

Glad you liked it and thanks for the compliments…always nice to hear!

SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS

I think you’re right about Julie.  I’ve been thinking that there should be at least 1 (maybe even 2) more Flashbacks with her, showing things when they were better, in the past.  No, she was not cheating with Mitch the entire time.  Here’s the deal (but you’d never know all this from the script)…Jack, Mitch, and Julie are all friends from college.  Jack and Mitch met Julie together, and Mitch began dating her…this lasted a number of years in college.  They broke up.  Jack moved in, and they ended up getting married, 3 or 4 years out of college.  They all remained great friends, and Jack and Mitch were best friends, meaning that Jack didn’t do anything to break them up…it just happened, and Jack was there.  So, jump forward in time to when Jimmy dies, and Jack zones out, starts partying hard, becomes extremely distant with Julie.  This time, Mitch is there for her, and they rekindle their romance.  As time goes by, Jack begins to realize that Julie is having an affair, but he doesn’t suspect Mitch in the slightest way.  Jack and Mitch even talk about the fact that she’s cheating on him.  Mitch was not supposed to go to Barbados, and when he gets there, Julie is surprised, if not upset (it’s not anywhere in the script), but soon warms to his company, as Jack buys an 8 ball from Woodie, and starts getting hammered again, which he had stopped recently.

Cool, glad you liked Addinton’s Mum scenes. They were a highlight for a bunch of early readers too.  I had a feeling some wouldn’t appreciate the supernatural element, and that’s OK.  Based on what Ryan said (as well as a few earlier readers), I’m going to chop the line that she tells Addinton about Julie needing to cross over, etc.  To answer your question, if he decided to tell him all that, it would be a pretty short script!     Basically, my response is that the supernatural works in mysterious ways…  

Well, obviously, my objective was to make Mitch come off as if he’s alive, while still making sure that no one else interacted with him in any way.  Dead men may not make phone calls, snort lines, or drink straight vodka, but ghosts do…or at least this ghost does.  

No, Jack and Mitch are far from gay.  I tried explaining the last montage in an earlier post.  Seems like it’s not working the way I see it, or thought it would work.  Let me try again here.  The theme going on here, over and over, is unforgettable things.  Like how can one forget killing his best friend and causing the death of his wife, who he did really love.  The Flashbacks throughout are all various “unforgettable” things in his life that start coming back to him.  We start with a montage of amazing memories, but they’re a bit unclear, as we don’t even “see” who is partaking in them.  We assume they’re Jack and Julie, but in reality, it’s Jack and Mitch.  As he’s dying, these memories come back to him, and he remembers all the great times he had with Mitch…and Julie, and from there, you can draw your own conclusions…for me, I see that Jack is sorry, knows how badly he fucked up, and dies on a peaceful note.

Thanks again, Seamus.  Hope this helps. Take care.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Ryan, thanks for keeping the discussion going.  I love a good back and forth discussion, and feel it’s so helpful, so I’ll throw out a few more things that are not intended to be arguments or anything of the sort – people tend to take what I say, or the way I say it, the wrong way.  I’m just giving my 2 cents on the subject in hopes of shedding some light on my feelings.

Who is making “TV movies” nowadays?  No one that I’m aware of other than maybe Lifetime or Hallmark.  Maybe you’re referring to DTV’s (Direct To Video), which although I’m not against in any way, I’m  also not too keen on.  I do not see this as having a modest budget, but I guess one man’s modest budget can easily be another man’s HUGE budget, or vice verse.  There are a lot of characters here and even more sets and locations.  In a perfect world, I’d say we’re looking at a budget of at least $15 Million, if not $20-$25 Million, which I guess could be considered to be a modest budget, depending on how you look at it.

IMO, every major character is there for a reason in every script/story/movie.  I think us writers tend to realize that fact and it makes it much easier for us to decipher mystery type scripts/movies.  In a who dunnit kind of thing, as a writer, we know that the antag is going to be someone with (hopefully) a lot of screen time, as well as someone who appears not to be the antag, otherwise, it’s not going to be very mysterious or surprising when things are revealed.  And, I actually want Mitch to come off as someone of questionable background, and someone you should suspect…of at least something.

As I mentioned to Seamus, in this scenario, this ghost happens to be able to do various things, like snort coke, drink vodka, and use his cell phone (or at least make it appear that the call is coming from hi cell phone).  But, he does not (and cannot) interact with anyone other than Jack, which is why he just “shows up” when and where he wants to.  You know, IMO, when you’re dealing with something that isn’t real (as far as we all know, at least), you as the writer, have the ability to set what can and what can’t happen.  I’m sure you’ve seen countless movies where a ghost moves objects and manipulates its surroundings.  Same deal here.

I will get rid of Addinton’s Mum’s line on page 68.  Hopefully that will help with things for you and others as well.  It’ a great idea and I’m all over it, so I definitely thank you for bringing it up.

I’m glad you appreciate (and saw) the depth of the secondary characters.  It was a goal of mine from the get-go,  and I did everything I could to give them life, as well as a back story.  Glad it came through.

Thank you again, man.  Your feedback is very helpful.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 10th, 2010, 1:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff.

Read 30 pgs. Here my thoughts so far:

I like the area you chose. However, if this were going to be picked up, it requires a big budget to make. But I like the island feel.

You give alot characters names. I think you should elimanate or combine some of them since it's hard to keep track of who is who. The only one I can identify is Jack since he is the one with the amnesia.

I believe that the montage and some of the flashbacks (for example, Vegas) should be trimmed.  It runs to long. It has a lot of unnecessary details; for example, in the montage sequence where the dolphins are smiling, I don't think that's necessary. I already get that it's a happy and joyous moment with the previous details.

Some of the dialgoue worked while others didn't. The one that stands out in my mind was with the prostitute inticing Jack to have sex with her. But I have problems with dialgoue so it'll take time to work on.

Gabe
    


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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James McClung
Posted: September 10th, 2010, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this quite a bit. Very impressive for something conceived within seven weeks. Writing's one thing but creating the universe in such a short period of time is quite a task. I particularly enjoyed your use of "product placement," if you will, as I did in Fade to White. The specificity adds a character to the script you wouldn't otherwise have.

The story reminded me of Blood Simple in the sense that Blood Simple was essentially a very mundane situation blown up into a huge web of interrelated occurrences. Blood Simple in Barbados is fine by me. Not to say you didn't have your own story. Just a similar approach, I'd say. Then again, I can't speak for you in regards to what you were going for.

Your characters were very well done. All of them, interestingly flawed individuals. Not likable by any means. I would even go so far as to say Mitch deserved what he got. It's one thing to have an affair with your best friend's wife. What am I saying? It's a huge thing! Takes a special kinda douchebag. But lines like "talk about this like adults" and "I love you," as you may have intended, basically suggests that he thinks their relationship can be fixed which is almost as reprehensible as the act itself. Total fuckhead, even more so considering the fact that he knew the couple were drifting apart and was even lending a hand.

I wouldn't say the same for Julie. As you've already said, Jack was pushing her away. She made some bad choices but I can see how she would've been lead to do so.

Jack was alright. I don't think his likability really wavered all that much, honestly. There's really only one way to write an amnesia victim. Literally as someone who's mind has been wiped clean. There's a few idiosyncrasies you can institute but for the most part, they start out as blank characters. Later on, Jack was a lot more of a sleaze but he was much, much more interesting. I should point out that if characters are interesting, I really don't think the story is affected by whether they're likable or not. Interesting is interesting.

The cops were alright. Addinton's mother added a new dimension to that type of character that's normally not seen, I would say.

The only thing I felt the characters (namely Jack and Julie) were missing was any sort of grief period. When Jack discusses his son's death with Addinton, it sounds completely forced and phony. It was actually probably the only part of the script that felt that way. Didn't buy it at all. I understand the partying is a means to cover up the pain but just the same. Nothing from Julie either. The loss of a child is the most traumatic experience a human being can have. It feels like an afterthought here.

The flashbacks were fine. You get used to them as you read on. I think you succeeded in creating a flow of things. I do think early on, they simply occur as opposed to being triggered by questions, comments, places, etc. as they are later on.

The amount of dialogue is fine. It's well written too. You might not wanna listen to me though. I'm a huge Tarantino and, as of late, Jim Jarmusch fan. I can sit through a helluva lot more small talk than most, so long as it's interesting.

I loved the subplots with the gangs. The scene in the caves was frightening, disturbing and suspenseful, especially with little details like the black hole and the eels. I wouldn't expand on them though. Personally, I love films where there's things going on behind the scenes that are never explained but are still known to be going on. It gives the story life outside the screen.

Didn't care for the "supernatural" elements. I did like the fact that Addinton's mother revealed Julie was in some sort of limbo. It built anticipation. I don't understand how she was wronged or whatever she said. Julie definitely had an affair and while maybe she didn't deserve what she got entirely, she was no saint. But I digress. Didn't like the talk about the dead husband. It was well written but whatever. The dragonfly was a nice embellishment. I'd even keep it around. But the metaphor felt obvious and shallow.

I should also note that while I had some issues with your execution, it really wouldn't have made a difference it you tried something different. I'm rather picky about my symbolism but extremely picky when it pertains to the afterlife. If you're gonna do it, you better be a goddamn master (e.g. Kubrick, Lynch, Jarmusch, etc.).

The ending was okay. You mentioned the twist with Mitch wasn't supposed to be huge so no fault on your part. The fact that he's dead was kinda cool. Kinda meh. Well done but nothing that impressed me all that much. The bookends with "Unforgettable" were brilliant though. Loved it.

There you have it. Good job!


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 10th, 2010, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabe, thanks for getting started.  Of all the 7WC’ers, you’re only the 2nd to read and make any comments, so I really appreciate it.

Yeah, this is not intended to be a small budget, as I commented earlier. Why go small, when you can GO BIG?

I always name every character who speaks more than 2 lines.  Without it, it’s lazy writing, IMO.   I’m surprised you’re having trouble keeping up with the characters.  None of them are really able to be eliminated, though, sorry to say.  Hopefully, you’ll get a handle on them as you continue.

The montage runs the entirety of the opening song (about 3 ½ minutes).  Most likely, this will be where the opening credits roll.  The dolphins don’t smile.  Jack and Julie smile as they watch them.

Are you saying you didn’t like Alexis’ dialogue when she walked into the shower with Jack?  Really?  I love it, personally.

Anyway, thanks again for getting started on it, and I look forward to hearing your feelings when you’re all done.  I’ll give you’re a look when it’s posted.

Take care!
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 10th, 2010, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff

About the dolphin statement, I swore I saw that. LOL! Sorry about that man. I take the dolphin comment back. LOL!

But I still feel that it can still be trimmed. For instance,

EXT. SKY - DAY

Two SKYDIVERS race through the air in free fall, as they
plummet towards Earth.

Two brightly colored parachutes open, one after the other.

EXT. UNDERWATER - DAY

Two SCUBA DIVERS, explore the ocean floor, in crystal clear
water.

One points to a cluster of spiny Caribbean lobsters on a
small outcropping of rock.

EXT. SKI RUN - DAY

Light powder snow falls. Everything is white.

Two SKIERS zip down a steep trail, a few feet apart, each
ripping up huge rooster tails of fluffy snow.

EXT. MOUNTAIN RIVER - DAY

Two KAYAKERS, each in their own bright yellow craft, paddle
through raging white water rapids.

INT. CHURCH - DAY

JACK BENTON, 25, handsome, smiles down at JULIE, also 25,
gorgeous. A PRIEST silently recites wedding vows.

A tear runs down Julie's cheek. They both smile, embrace,
and kiss passionately.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

Tires SCREECH to a halt seconds too late, as a white Mercedes
smashes into a BOY, sending him flying up and over the car.

He lands in a heap, as the car zooms off.

END MONTAGE

You get the message across faster.  Just a suggestion. I'm suffering from this at the moment with mines .

I understand the concept of giving each character names (it enriches them with dimension and makes them more like people). It just gets confusing a bit as you read on.  The idea works best in books but I don't think in screenplays as much. Only rarely. But each has their own writing style. Whatever floats your boat.

Alexis comment, didn't ring true. I guess its personal taste, but for me nah.

I appreciate your review as well. And I believe that George, Pia, and an another 7WC’er are going to read yours next.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/

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Mr.Ripley  -  September 10th, 2010, 6:58pm
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