Part 2 -

Quoted from CoopBazinga Woodie was a good well crafted character, didn’t have a lot to do but I enjoyed what little he had. He added some shadiness which kept me second guessing about him.

Sweet.  Glad he worked.  He had a definite role here and I wanted him to be someone who you weren't entirely sure about, but had your eye on the whole time.  His presence also was key to Addinton and Glenville's belief in Jack's story.

Quoted from CoopBazinga I enjoyed all the descriptions throughout the script, your level of detail is refreshing and it doesn’t feel like you’ve over described anything which can be very common in scripts. I can tell you have done a lot of research about the area which is a fantastic achievement, especially in the short time you had to come up with an idea and get it down on paper.

Thanks.  It was alot of work, but it was also alot of fun completing this, as I'm very happy with the result.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Page 8: Julie “You’re funny...But I love you” Very corny and on the nose.

Someone else also brought this up, and I don't see why.  Bottom line is that Jack and Julie were once very much in love and had a great relationship...and they were both kind of goofballs - as most of my characters tend to be.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Page 18: Insert flyer, Should Nailah’s dialogue be (O.S) as we’re supposed to be looking at the flyer?

Great catch!  Fixed!

Quoted from CoopBazinga EDIT: I see you did wrylie’s a lot for “thick Bajan accent” for a lot of the characters, are they all necessary after the first few? More of a question really?

A personal choice I made to have each character's speech pattern made clear.  You may or may not have noticed that of all the Bajans, only Glenville doesn't speak in a thick accent.  IMO, if someone speaks in a unique way, it needs to be made clear with a single wrylie, when they first speak.

Quoted from CoopBazinga 22: Should “beach goers” be capitalised?

Yep, it should.  Great catch!  Fixed.

Quoted from CoopBazinga We randomly went to a flashback at the golf club; it might work better if Jack see’s somebody in golf attire at the tiki bar or a bag of clubs to push this flashback on.

Yep, I like this idea.  I'll work it in.  Thanks.

Quoted from CoopBazinga 22: Only two periods in an ellipsis in Julie’s dialogue on this page. Now that’s being picky.

Yep, nice catch again.  Fixed!  Thanks.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Page 30: Alexis “You wanna eat my baby pussy” Though I laughed , it doesn’t read right man! Did you mean “Pussy baby”

  HaHa...my personal favorite line!  Actually written as intended.  Kind of an inside joke...I'll tell you in a PM if you're interested.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Page 31: Now this is a personal preference but I would have put a period in front of the gun description, instead of 38 caliber handgun, “.38 caliber handgun”

Agreed.  Fixed.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Page 34:  Mrs. Harewood “She was standing with your father...looked like she just got there” I’m guessing she means Julie and this has killed some of the mystery as to whether she is dead or not? Guess I will find out as I read on.

Again, others have said the same thing and I took it to heart but decided to keep it, as this isn't really the mystery, and as it is, it kind of gives the savvy reader the feeling they know something they shouldn't, when in reality, it's actually meant to throw the reader/viewer off a bit, as a misdirection.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Sandiford stands twice in this scene?

Great catch.  Fixed.  Thanks.  I think that mistake occurred based on a rewrite of the scene.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Page 39: Okay, when Addinton and Gelnville are in the car, Glenville is driving but when they arrived at the beach resort, the passenger door opened and Glenville steps out? Did they stop on route and change driver? Just seems strange.

Damn, another great catch.  You're a good reader, Steve.  I'll look at it and fix it up.  Thanks.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Page 42: I would rework the scene when they talk about Jimmy, this feels like it should be more than it is at the moment, like it’s skipped over or something. This scene just feels like it should have more emotion.

Others have also said this, but I disagree, as Jimmy's death merely serves as a catalyst to jack's undoing years ago, and I didn't want to go into anymore detail, as I think it wold be dull and exposition...but I understand where you're coming from.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Page 46:Addinton “Ah, the plot thickens” This line doesn’t work for me, it feels out of place and should be a Pink Panther movie with Peter Sellars.

I think it was Ryan who said the same thing, and I almost took it out, but decided it seemed in line with how Addinton thinks and speaks.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Page 84: Windmill’s Jack in the side of the head. What’s a windmill?

As in he spins around and clocks Jack - I'll look at it and see what I think, but think about a big lumbering professional wrestler, spinning around with his arms out, smashing whatever is in front of him.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Page 89: If Woodie knew Jack’s mobile number, why wait so long to ring him?

Not sure how to answer this one.  No exact time or amount of days were given as to when they last spoke, but Jack was only on the island a total of 4 days, and didn't even meet Woodie until at least day 2.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Page 91: Orlando “Addinton, come over here, quick” The reason I point this out is that Orlando has called him “sir” throughout and suddenly changes to his first name? I would keep it to “sir” for consistency.

Agreed.  Fixed.  Good attention to detail, Steve.  Thanks.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Page 95: “Pulls out his Driver” Just wondered why the “d” is capitalised in driver? I wasn’t sure why? You capitalise it three more times but not on page 99. Just curious is all?

Simply for clarity of the reader, as "driver" has other meanings, so by Capping it, I wanted it clear I was referring to the Driver golf club.  

Thanks again, Steve.  Your words are appreciated, as are your insightful comments.  I'm glad you seemed to enjoy this.

If I can repay the favor, I'm all over it.  Take care and best of luck going forward.

Hey Jeff,

I'm happy I was able to be of some help to you.

Quoted from Dreamscale but wanted to address all of your well thought out feedback.

Thanks for that mate, I think I'm getting better at feedback now.

Quoted from Dreamscale In a filmed version, I don't feel it would be at all jarring, as with visuals that we're going into another Flashback, it should be easy to follow and understand.

I agree with this completely.

Quoted from Dreamscale Also, I thought it was important to show the the watches they each got, which plays a rather important, but most likely overlooked aspect to the final scene's lead in.

Sorry, but I must have overlooked this as well? Where did they come into play in the final scene's?

Quoted from Dreamscale And finally, I wanted to get some good R rated nudity and sex on screen as soon as I could, although most do not seem to appreciate it anyways.

I'll be honest and say if any film has sex or nudity in the first minute, I'm normally sold and will watch it. I even watched Showgirls! What I'm saying is there's always someone out there to appreciate it, mostly men I would have thought though.

Quoted from Dreamscale I just totally disagree, as I've said so many times already.  To me, Shauntee is such a cool character.  She's funny, cool, SEXY, and provides a recurring plot point (in dialogue) with a number of other characters, great R rated T&A, good character depth to Glenville outside of the plot at hand, and the reason why Glenville isn't with Addinton in the climax, when he should have been.  Yeah, I know, there's lots of other ways to attain all this, but for me, she works well, and serves her purpose exactly like I wanted her to.  It really surprises me so many don't like her and feel she's superfluous.  Oh well, looks like I'm in the vast minority here.

She was superfluous! . I think this is a case of the writer liking the character so much he couldn't bear to cut her out. At the end of the day, it's your story and characters so if you like them, then they stay. Just to clarify, I like Shauntee (Great name BTW) but she could definitely be cut and not affect the overall plot IMO. I know you will disagree but that's what these discussion boards are for right?

Quoted from Dreamscale But keep in mind that the present time line takes place over a single day, much of which is taken up with Jack in the hospital, and in bad shape.  But, also, keep in mind that maybe Jack was aware of what went down deep inside and knew there was nothing he could do, but incriminate himself.  Then again, what could he realistically accomplish in such a short period of time?

Fair comment. I think I agree with you on this one.

Quoted from Dreamscale His presence also was key to Addinton and Glenville's belief in Jack's story.

I never even thought about that. Woodie works even better for me now.

Quoted from Dreamscale   HaHa...my personal favorite line!  Actually written as intended.  Kind of an inside joke...I'll tell you in a PM if you're interested.

I'm very interested and curious, let me know please?

Quoted from Dreamscale Others have also said this, but I disagree, as Jimmy's death merely serves as a catalyst to jack's undoing years ago, and I didn't want to go into anymore detail, as I think it wold be dull and exposition...but I understand where you're coming from.

I understand what you mean about it being dull but like you say, it is the catalyst. It's the single one moment on which this story is based upon. If only to give the reader more sympathy for Jack, it makes the ending even more dramatic IMO. Jack who we sympathise for is actually the killer! What? It can't be? Just my thoughts.

Quoted from Dreamscale Not sure how to answer this one.  No exact time or amount of days were given as to when they last spoke, but Jack was only on the island a total of 4 days, and didn't even meet Woodie until at least day 2.

Come on man! The writer should always have the answer!

Quoted from Dreamscale Thanks again, Steve.  Your words are appreciated, as are your insightful comments.  I'm glad you seemed to enjoy this.

I'm just glad I was able to be helpful after all the time it's been up. I really enjoyed it, thanks again for sending me the updated version.

Have a good one.

Steve

Hey Steve, you know I enjoy a good back and forth, so I'll address a few of your replies here, and I'll PM you about the "baby pussy" line later.

The Vegas scene and the watches

As I said earlier, this is the only time we see Jack and Mitch together in any detail, and therefor it's not only important, but imperative to showing who they are as individuals and friends.

After Jack and Mitch take care of the Vegas pimp thugs, the scene ends with Mitch saying, "Those are some nice wristwatches, gentlemen."  The next scene (in the present time line), has Jack showing off his Breitling watch and Mitch showing his Omega watch (which they obviously "took" from Nick and Joe in Vegas).

There's another Flashback scene later where Jack and Mitch are on Jack's patio with Julie, talking about their Vegas successes, including their "new" wristwatches.

Why does any of this matter?  Well, the astute reader/viewer who's been paying attention, will know immediately who kills Woodie in the climax, in the current time line, as all that's shown is a hand and arm, wearing a Breitling watch, slash Woodie's neck.  Otherwise, it's a 50/50 thang as to whether it was Jack or Mitch.

My darling Shauntee

A couple of comments here...

If you liked Shauntee as a character and you enjoy hot, sexy chicks who show their assets in R rated movies, and she serves numerous purposes to both the plot and the story, what do you have against her?  Is it better to have completely random chicks show their goods, for no other reason than to show some T & A?

But, my bigger issue is with many reviewers recommending that writers cut characters for this reason or that, or "blend" 2 or more characters into 1.  It always makes me laugh, as I just don't get it.

If a character has a purpose to serve and does indeed serve that/those purposes, and they're a likable character, cutting down the cast list, to me, at least, is foolish, unless you're talking about either a very low budget production, or you have a script with a cast of hundreds, and you literally need to cut the cast.

In this case, first of all, I'm not looking at a low budget production in any way.  Secondly, think about how small the cast actually is.  We know more about Shauntee than we do Julie.  Julie is obviously a much more pivotal character, and also has more onscreen time and dialogue, but Shauntee's character is much clearer in who she is and what she's after.

Basically, what I'm saying is that I'm really against cutting out characters for the fuck of it, as tiny cast movies come across as...well...tiny.  I personally try to infuse as much personality into every character as I can, and IMO, not every character has to be 100% crucial to the plot and story - but, as I said earlier, I do believe Shauntee and her more than abundant rack accomplishes what she needs to.  

Jimmy

You know, I guess this comes down to a personal choice I made, and it could even include Julie, as well.  Maybe it's not 100% clear, but this is Jack's story.  He's in every single scene (well, that's not 100% true, as there are several scenes involving only the cops, but Jack is still the center of attention in each of them), and each one of them are from his perspective, or POV, if you really think about it.  It's also Jack and Mitch's story, and that's really the reason for the bookended opening and closing montages.  To play up Jimmy's life and or death, and the relationship stuff involved with it, would take away from the "real story" here, or at least the story that I chose to tell.  Sure, I could include another Flashback or 2 of Jack and Julie grieving over Jimmy's death, but IMO, it's completely unnecessary.  Jimmy got hit by a car and killed.  Jack was to blame...and Jack blamed himself to the point where it pretty much destroyed his life and marriage.

Woodie's communication with Jack

I misspoke earlier and assumed it wasn't important enough to go into any detail.

First of all, I think it's important to understand that in any semi-decently written movie, there's always life going on behind the scene, when the camera stops rolling.  Characters do and say things that you aren't privy to, as there just isn't time to show everything that goes on, nor would anyone want to sit through that type of horseshit - kinda like watching a live 24 hour feed for Big Brother - no thanks, just show me what I need to see and I'll skip the other 72 hours of nothingness.

Jack talks to Woodie on the phone from the golf course, before he's to meet Julie at Harrison's Cave, later that afternoon.  Woodie's still "tailing her" at this time.  This is 1 day prior to the present time line, in which the exchange between Jack and Woodie takes place that you brought up.

Woodie's a deranged drug selling, drug using A-Hole.  These kind of peeps don't think or act rationally.  One minute, everything's fine, then, the next, he wants his money and he wants it immediately.

I have a feeling that the exact time frames of various Flashbacks are difficult to keep a handle on.  Now, in reality, it doesn't really matter exactly when this and that occurred, but it does take some effort to lay it down in its exact order, just like it often takes several viewings before certain things come to light in movies.

Hope that all makes sense.  I'll PM you later about the "baby pussy".

Thanks again, mate!  It's much appreciated.

I just retread the first 10 to give you some notes before I go further.

Before I start I'd like to say that as soon as I saw FADE IN: on the first page, I immediately HATED the script =D

Anyway... There seemed to be a lot of character introductions, which might be unavoidable, but it just means you have to give short descriptions for the next few times we see them or I won't remember exactly who is rotund and who is a cop.

The flash backs didn't seem to be giving much information until the one where his wife doesn't go in the water. That was the point that made me want to keep reading. Good job!

The dialogue could be trimmed a little bit and there was at least one instance of passive writing, but othing major.

Kudos!

Thanks for starting, Felipe.  I hope you continue and I hope you enjoy it.

IMO, there aren't alot of characters in this script at all.  I purposely tried to limit the # of main characters, and wanted to get them all intro'd as early as I could.

I tend to like and write dialogue heavy scripts, as I feel it builds character, and whether or not everyone happens to like my characters, I hope you at least get to know them, and they come off as real, believable peeps.

I look forward to hearing your feedback on the rest.  Hope your 7Wc is coming along nicely.

Take care.

Quoted from Dreamscale Thanks for starting, Felipe.  I hope you continue and I hope you enjoy it. IMO, there aren't alot of characters in this script at all.  I purposely tried to limit the # of main characters, and wanted to get them all intro'd as early as I could. I tend to like and write dialogue heavy scripts, as I feel it builds character, and whether or not everyone happens to like my characters, I hope you at least get to know them, and they come off as real, believable peeps. I look forward to hearing your feedback on the rest.  Hope your 7Wc is coming along nicely. Take care.

Just want to X this one up as I see its resurrection on the board and I'm glad.

Jeff,

I watched a movie the other night...

You know that a movie night for me is an exceptional thing...

...and how many people that watch movies in limited fashion can say...

...that a movie reminds them...

...of a movie...

...they had first read...

...on Simplyscripts?

Although the storyline is very different; still, when I watched:

THE DESCENDANTS

I thought of UNFORGETTABLE by YOU, YOURS TRULY

For me what I think it was: WAS the strong music line. In Descendants, it was the haunting Hawaiian melody against the tragic circumstances. I guess it brought to mind your script because I really felt the emotion in Unforgettable. It wasn't merely a screwy-lewy device (which I hate!) but it came,, most certainly from the heart and you can't buy that kind of thing. It is or it isn't.  

Anyways, I'd love to hear your comments on this movie. Even if you happen to hate it. Just want you to know: I LOVED IT!!!

Here's the trailer:



Sandra

and I thought you should know because maybe just maybe your movie
can fall in this vein

and

if it can...

I want to be the first to say so!!!  

Thank you so much, Sandra.  That's awesome and means alot to me...it really does.

Believe it or not, but I haven't seen The Descendants, and probably won't be seeing it anytime soon.  From what i know of it, it's not my kind of film, but it's obviously done wonderful things for all involved.

For you or anyone, for that matter, to compare one of my scripts to an award winning George Clooney flick means the world to me.  I appreciate it very much.

Thanks you!

I miss seeing you around the boards and hope everything is going great with you and yours.

Quoted from Dreamscale Thank you so much, Sandra.  That's awesome and means alot to me...it really does. Believe it or not, but I haven't seen The Descendants, and probably won't be seeing it anytime soon.  From what i know of it, it's not my kind of film, but it's obviously done wonderful things for all involved. For you or anyone, for that matter, to compare one of my scripts to an award winning George Clooney flick means the world to me.  I appreciate it very much. Thanks you! I miss seeing you around the boards and hope everything is going great with you and yours.

I'm here and have been here, Jeff. You gave me a "good effort" on my last OWC, remember?  

I really did try hard to make it comprehensible: Real Counterfeit Witches of the Twenty-First Century

Truthfully, my first draft was prim and skim and almost proper, but when you're working hard, sometimes hard is too easy and you are seduced by impetuous darlings that tap your shoulder and even make their presence known in a way that is like butter next to plain bread: you cannot possibly refuse it. If you do, you think maybe you will be labelled a "passer". A PASSER cannot ever be anything.

Passers let the good things slide though their fingertips. Passers are self-righteous pretentious creatures that never know passion and might stay in their loveless reality.

Jeff,

You are not a Passer.

Your reality should NOT be loveless because you are rich in capacity.

I'm not interested in picking up a camera because my love is of words and language and what's underneath the language, but I might attempt bringing on a camera person and director for some of my scripts.

Tonight, I actually realized a dilemma with my last script:

Who is going to play Benny Malone and Aragetta? That sex scene even if only half/done is going to be difficult for the actors/actresses (unless they're me   ) however I do have some neighbors across the street that I know could do a really
good job, but I feel like I'd be putting the cart before the horse.

I know they would do it for me, but what would I say? " K I wrote this script and here and so..."

You know it really lets the cat out of the bag. You're never human ever again.

Really, I don't have a problem asking them, but still it feels like a bridge to cross.

Perhaps too, if I requested such scene, I might want just a little bit more and more and I know they would be happy to oblige and then...

Well then we're not in average-every-day-friendship-mode anymore.

Everything becomes complicated.

It already is complicated. How to deal with that?

Ach! Maybe just stick to computer generated stuff.

Sandra

Jeff how`s it going bro?  as promised I would give it a read, I've been flat out at work, so I'm reading it in sections.

So far upto page 25... I noticed a lot of feedback...haven't read any besides Sandra's last and you are definately NOT a "Passer"     So excuse me if I repeat anything.

A few notes... by page 25... I counted 15 characters  and 9 flashbacks.... Personally i'm not a big fan of flashbacks... They are usually used as a cheap way to introduce exposition... But it can be used properly  like the movie The Fugitive, it has lot of flashbacks, but each pushes the story forward or wants you to know what's gonna happen next

The heated conversation with Julie and the Man works for me, as it drives the story forward.
Whereas on page 17 on the dining room table conversation really doesn't move it forward, we already know there is strain on their relationship... it was then pointed out with the pool flashback.

sometimes IMO a flashback becomes an interruption.

Should your main characters have more of a description?... Jack, Handsome Julie, gorgeous

kiss passionately in front of a priest

What is smash to black? just asking, I never heard of it.

Mitch   shouldn't he be a 6'6 black guy with a huge penis... sorry wrong script

I noticed you changed between double spacing and triple spacing a lot is there a reason for that?

Page 15 my own pet peeve... beat ... a like a more descriptive word... which adds more character IMO .... like (eyes mist up)

Sandiford puts his hand on Addinton's  shoulder... shouldn't that be on Jack? as he talks to him in the next dialogue.

page 22 watches as the ball tracks toward the hole...I think you mean "towards".

Ok that's all the minor stuff out the way.

The story itself is incredibly easy to read... It flows very smoothly and even with 15 characters I can still keep track of what`s happening.

The opening series of shots or montage.... reminded me of the pixer movie UP (you probably haven`t seen it unless you've got kids)...The opening montage started off beautiful and life is going to plan, meeting the girl of his dreams getting married and all these great plans and then BOOM she dies... try explaining that to your kids.
Your script had the same impact kind of WTF... but in a good way, it really threw me off and I loved it,  it just set itself up for the rest of the script..

I maybe wrong, but I can see Mitch playing a major part, maybe the other man...
Overall your descriptions and dialogue are top notch and I'm really looking forward to where it is going... which is top marks to the writer...

I'll try to finish it throughout the week, just slammed with work right now...But i'm really glad I got a start on it.

Mark

Hey Mark, thanks so much for giving this a look.  I appreciate it.  I don't want to spoil anythign, but I always reply to feedback, so here goes.

Quoted from irish eyes A few notes... by page 25... I counted 15 characters  and 9 flashbacks.... Personally i'm not a big fan of flashbacks... They are usually used as a cheap way to introduce exposition...

A couple things here.  First of all, IMO, this is not a large cast script, although there are numerous characters who have small roles, and I do try and name every single character if they remotely deserve it.

Secondly, I do agree with you 100% about Flasbacks.  I'm not into them either, but you'll find that this script is far from a standard structure, and Flashbacks here are a separate time line story onto themselves.  There are definitely 2 different stories going on here - one in the present, and one in the past.  I understand that it can seem jarring on paper, but IMO, with proper visual ques, on film it will work rather seamlessly.  Once you get accustomed to it, or "accept" it, I think it should work rather uniquely.

Quoted from irish eyes The heated conversation with Julie and the Man works for me, as it drives the story forward.  Whereas on page 17 on the dining room table conversation really doesn't move it forward, we already know there is strain on their relationship... it was then pointed out with the pool flashback.

Duly noted.  Keep in mind this "scene" is most likely less than 15 seconds long.  It does set something up to come later.

Quoted from irish eyes sometimes IMO a flashback becomes an interruption.

You're not alone in this feeling.  Again, I purposely went for an alternate structure here and because it's something peeps aren't used to seeing, the initial reaction is that it's jarring.  Hopefully, once you settle in, it won't come off that way anymore, and you'll see that you're reading/watching 2 separate stories taking place at 2 different times.

Quoted from irish eyes Should your main characters have more of a description?... Jack, Handsome Julie, gorgeous

It's a heavily debated topic.  IMO, a character's hair color, clothing, and the like are unimportant to the story - unless they are.  Here, they are not.  Many peeps will get very detailed in how a character looks, right down to dressing them in each scene. This isn't a Spec writer's job, IMO.  If something is important or comes into play, I'm all for showing it, but if not, I tend to give an exact age and some physical descriptor and that's that.

Quoted from irish eyes What is smash to black? just asking, I never heard of it.

Simply a transition (which I rarely use and recommend against).  It typically follows a shocking scene and is used to convey more power to the final image you just witnessed.

Quoted from irish eyes I noticed you changed between double spacing and triple spacing a lot is there a reason for that?

Not sure I understand.  If there's any discrepancy in spacing, it's a mistake that needs to be fixed.  What exactly are you referencing here?

Quoted from irish eyes Page 15 my own pet peeve... beat ... a like a more descriptive word... which adds more character IMO .... like (eyes mist up)

I understand.  I use wrylies as sparingly as I can (I know, there's a shitload here up front, with the accents, which i will most likely replace with a general note, which should cut out some 15 lines, actually).  For me, the only time to use "(beat)" in dialogue is when there is a "real" pause in the dialogue that needs to be addressed.  In your example, I agree at the right time, in the right situation, a few action/description words can make a difference.  I don't see this as being one of those times, though.

Quoted from irish eyes Sandiford puts his hand on Addinton's  shoulder... shouldn't that be on Jack? as he talks to him in the next dialogue.

Well, actually, he's trying to shut Addinton up, as in, "Enough already...let the guy rest."

Quoted from irish eyes page 22 watches as the ball tracks toward the hole...I think you mean "towards".

"toward" and "towards" are actually both correct and interchangeable.  The "s" is more common in Britain than the US.

Quoted from irish eyes The story itself is incredibly easy to read... It flows very smoothly and even with 15 characters I can still keep track of what`s happening.

Thanks.  That's always great to hear.

Quoted from irish eyes The opening series of shots or montage.... reminded me of the pixer movie UP (you probably haven`t seen it unless you've got kids)...The opening montage started off beautiful and life is going to plan, meeting the girl of his dreams getting married and all these great plans and then BOOM she dies... try explaining that to your kids.

Nope, no kids, didn't see it.

But, there was no reference to Julie dying in this opening Montage.  You either misread something or misquoted what you meant here.  You may want to check it out again.

Quoted from irish eyes Your script had the same impact kind of WTF... but in a good way, it really threw me off and I loved it,  it just set itself up for the rest of the script..

That's great to hear.  When you're finished, there are a few things I'll add, but don't want to say anything right now.

Quoted from irish eyes I maybe wrong, but I can see Mitch playing a major part, maybe the other man... I don't think it's spoiling anythign to say that Mitch is indeed a very important character here.  Jack would get top billing, closely followed by Mitch. [quote=irish_eyes]Overall your descriptions and dialogue are top notch and I'm really looking forward to where it is going... which is top marks to the writer...

Cool.  Thanks.  Glad you're enjoying it.  Hope it doesn't let you down.

Thanks again, Mark.  talk with you later.

Quoted from JC Cleveland But, there was no reference to Julie dying in this opening Montage.  You either misread something or misquoted what you meant here.  You may want to check it out again.

Sorry buddy, but we are confusing each other, I should have been more clear... the montage i described was from "up" and I was comparing it to your montage of everything flowing beautifully then all of a sudden a kid gets hit by a car.. kind of the same impact...

I`m glad my feedback went through, as my computer crashed at the same time. I thought i had to write it again.

Slammed for work, but Ill try to finish towards the weekend..

OK, gotcha...yeah, I didn't see Up.

Take your time, man.  Thanks again.

Ok I read the rest.

As I noted before... flashbacks can be properly used, when they're moving the script forward and as I finished your script, you were totally correct in using them.

Quoted from JC Cleveland Not sure I understand.  If there's any discrepancy in spacing, it's a mistake that needs to be fixed.  What exactly are you referencing here?

I noticed it in the dialogue when you started a new sentence... Maybe it`s just me probably nothing wrong with it... or it appeared to be treble-spacing.

The script:

I was pretty sure that Mitch was the other man, but the ending completely threw me off that he was in fact a ghost trying to make amends for screwing Jack's wife.

I wasn't a big fan of Julie, she was a miserable bitch, which I understand because of Jack's actions after the death of his son. I thought the Julie and Mitch scene at the end was a little lame IMO... both agreeing to end it so quickly... Kind of thanks for your troubles... I'm Jack's wife, I'm Jack's best friend we are fucking behind his back, lets move on like nothing happened.

The Vegas scene might have been unnecessary, but I love hot naked chicks.. So that`s good for me...

Also the cave scene felt a little heavy, with the whole rape... I thought she was asking if the water was warm and she was gonna strip down and climb in.... More nakedness(if that's a word) just not as heavy as a rape scene.

The cops Addington and Glenville, I really enjoyed the bond between them, they worked really well together and even Orlando chiming in with new info, all played out really well and kept the story moving.

Woodie was an interesting character.... I could see why you used him, drug dealer, scum and for false represention of the killer.

Jack being the protag and antag at the same time worked really well(rubbed his temples a few times too many) but overall he was well written.

Couldn't find little or any grammar mistakes... the writing was incredibly tight and very easy to read.

The script as a whole, was enjoyable and I would love to see it filmed.

For 7WC that's pretty impressive Jeff.

Enthralling from start to finish...

Finishing with the same montage as the start, that was genius.

Mark

Thank you, Mark.  Your feedback is greatly appreciated.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

BTW, I like hot naked chicks as well.     I always try to include them in my writing.

Take care, bro!

Jeff,

I was bored at work and thought I would read a few pages to check out your work.  I was really impressed.  I read to page 20.

I thought the opening was a little slow.  Rather than show the "happy couple" stuff as much as you did, it may have more impact if you cut that down and went to the boy being hit by a car.  

Your writing is tight, and I enjoy the dialogue.  There were a couple of lines I would call on-the-nose, but overall solid.  

I hope I get a chance to read more tomorrow.