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Hey Reaper, thanks for the read and comments. I've seen that you've been reading a few scripts as of late, and that's always cool.
Sorry this didn't work for you. A number of peeps have said similar things about the partying being overly heavy. I don't know what to say to that other than I guess everyone has their own ideas and experiences with partying. For me? Standard operating mode (back in the day, that is).
The "story" itself is rather simple and I think many want more, whereas I usually like the less is more approach. I never try and reinvent any wheels...I just like showing different ways for those wheels to roll down the hill.
If you've got anything you'd like a look at, just let me know. Glad to have you here at SS and look forward to seeing some of your work.
No problem here with heavy partying. In fact, I think it would have worked better as just that and no amnesia/missing person/affair plot. Seriously. Maybe you should write another script where Jack and Mitch are in an alternate universe, spending most of the story half shot in the ass.
Page 1 - I had to google what boof is, and I had to search with an extra keyword, being whitewater ... it's not even in my Oxford dictionary. I feel that if you are going to use a specialist word like that then you should educate as to what the word is with a following descriptive sentence. Unless white water rafting is the basis of the film then not everybody reading it is going to know what a boof is.
Jack and Julie? Come on man... get more inventive with those names. Use google.
Page -3
JACK (groggily) I...I...don't know. Where am I?
He's just regained consciousness, no need to write groggily as it goes without saying.
Page - 6 You mention the triple 'J' team, turning it into a joke, but all it really does is show me how the two J names are playing on your mind too. You'd be better off deleting that part of the conversation and doing a search and replace on one of their names. If it were me, I'd change Julie.
Page - 9
Multicolored FISH swim freely around him, everywhere.
Is it possible for fish to swim and not be free? Also there is no need for both 'around him' and 'everywhere'. Not unless there is some dramatic purpose in mind for an extra shot showing fish 'everywhere' as well as all around him. Consider rewording the sentence.
Page - 15
DR. SANDIFORD Alright. I think you should rest now, Jack. Let's not overdue it. These things take time.
Read the above dialogue again.
Page - 16
Julie stands, picks up her empty plate and glass, walks inside, without a glance. JULIE I'm going to do some shopping while you're golfing. We'll hook up later.
Jack watches as she disappears inside. He shakes his head.
According to the first block of action she has already gone inside. You should omit that from the first block of action and simply have her 'walk away'. then the dialogue, then Jack watching her walk inside.
Page - 33
A DRAGONFLY lights on the table in front of her.
Shouldn't it be lands?
Page -41
I don't feel that Jack showed enough emotion concerning his son's death.
Page -44
ADDINTON I didn't say anything about arresting you. I asked it if was yours.
Needs rewording ^^^^^
Page - 48
I like the dragonfly thing... it's cute.
Page - 88
Jack jumps in the Moke. Next to him, his helmet and head lamp sit. He pulls off the head lamp, secures it to his head, starts the vehicle.
He secures the headlamp to his head?
Page 100 + I think the montage is a little much at the end.
Over all I enjoyed reading this script. It's very true to its genre. I really liked how Mitch is actually dead, it helps explain the sudden memory jogs whenever he was around. I think you could have made Mitch look more like the suspect to take us off the trail of Jack a little more. Cleverly done and well executed for the most part. Thanks for sharing. I also haven't read any previous comments, so I apologise if I'm repeating anything.
Hey Dustin, thanks for reading and providing notes. I appreciate it. I had a feeling you'd get to one of mine sooner or later.
I really need to replace this old version with the final draft, as I've been saying for quite awhile. This is the original version that was posted after the 2010 7WC. In case you're not familiar with what that means, it was a challenge that a few of us put together (with Pia in charge) in which we were given a genre and theme and had 7 weeks to conceive and write a feature script. The latest draft isn't all that different but there are a few corrections, additions, and clarifications here and there.
I'm not going to hit on all your notes, as some are obvious mistakes and others opinions (and I definitely see your points), but some I will comment on.
The names - funny, as I actually spend alot of time with names that fit my characters. You probably noticed that I did do alot of research on this, including Bajan names. Jack and Julie Benton are character names from an old novel I wrote back in the late 80's. I always liked those names (and the those characters) and wanted to use them in something else, thus, here they are.
The headlamp issue - the headlamp is attached to the helmet. Basically, it's a "Petzl" type lamp, so it's easily removable from the helmet and is meant to be worn around the head as well.
The final montage - this was an idea I had early on and the idea is to bookend the script with the same scene, shown a bit differently. In the intro montage, the reader/viewer is hopefully assuming the two unseen and unnamed characters are Jack and Julie (once Jack is intro'd and it's clear his memory and wife are both missing). The outro montage shows that it was actually Jack and Mitch who did all that stuff together, hopefully making the whole ordeal more disturbing...or interesting.
Anyways, again, I appreciate your feedback and look forward to being able to give you some as well, when you post your work. If I can help in any way prior to that, let me know.
Ah, I wasn't aware that this was written that long ago... I'm just going through the top forum list and so far it seems that the more replies there are the better the script is going to be. Although not always true. Thanks for the education on the headlamp.
I'll be posting work here as soon as I figure out how to do that, thanks.
Posting is quite simple, but I think it's closed currently. There should be a "post your work here" button somewhere...or numerous places.
If you see any other scripts of kine you're interested in, let me know up front and I'll forward you the latest draft, as some have changed significantly.
I was sent this by Jeff so had no idea what it was about or the fact that it was written for a 7wc. Sometimes it is nice to enter something without having a clue what its about. First of all kudos to the research, it can be a joy for some writers and an absolute pain in the arse for others, but you've clearly put a lot into this and it is of course a much better script for it.
It flows nicely, and while there is a lot of action you've spaced it out well enough to flow, although some don't like things to be too spacey (as it eats up pages and makes a piece of work look longer than it is) I'm not too fussed either way. I was quite surprised to see you use such things as 'NOTE - MONTAGE RUNS TO END OF SONG' (or whatever it was) it just seemed like something you'd be against. As well as using a montage in general, although I'm thinking maybe that was one of the rules for the 7WC?
The bit with Addinton's mother passing away was well-written and very sad. Does he die in the end himself after the stabbing or is that left open,? I liked all of the police officer characters, whereas I couldn't care much for Mitch, Jack and Julie at all so I wasn't really too fussed about their fate in the slightest - although I'm sure others would have been more interested by them. The dialogue between the Bajans is excellent by the way.
Julie came across as a bitch who wasn't going to put any effort in at all, although I can see how she'd maybe be like that after Jack's antics. I don't really have much in common with a pair of cocaine addicts either so I didn't really empathise with them too much.
I actually didn't see the Mitch being a ghost thing coming, however I did have some idea that he would be having it away with Julie. Now I think back though only Jack saw Mitch, so this is clever - I take it the 'cell' phone conversations were in his head? It did change the tone of the script lightly, going from a tourists abroad thriller to a ghost story. Now, of course, there was always a slightly paranormal tint with the dragonflies and the old lady but the Mitch reveal turned it from a lightly tinted piece to a full on supernatural thriller.
I could quite believe Jack turning into this nutty killer after hearing his back story, and as aforementioned I was pleased when the police man, Glenville was it, sunk a few bullets into him. I think the whole way through it was always fairly obvious that Jack had a seedy edge to him, in retrospect it was pretty apparent that he was involved in Julie's disappearance from the off. Which may have been what you wanted to convey, perhaps if Jack was painted in a more innocent light - with his dark past hidden, it may have made him a little more likeable to the audience or at least they might have been more surprised when he turned out to be a madman.
I did wonder, at one point, whether Mitch was Julie's lover and was just pretending to be Jack's best mate - playing off of his amnesia. I thought that maybe he was going to try get close to Jack and dispatch him so that he and Julie could run off into the sunset together. Might have been an interesting route to have taken, could have been concealed, but of course the ending of this actual script was a far cry from that so would have meant a complete change.
Unfortunately I got distracted while reading this and because of that I missed a few things - who is it who kills Woodie? What ultimately happens to the three men who attacked Jack and Julie? Did Jack actually strike a deal with Woodie in the end? I thought maybe those three men might have been part of a set up made to make Jack look like a hero?
Also, is Jack a trained fighter? Does he have some sort of boxing or martial arts background? I know ultimately it is only a story but it takes some going to take on the three men like he did, and I don't know many average joes who could do that.
"We don't make movies for critics, since they don't pay to see them anyhow."
Hey Harry, thanks for the read and feedback. It’s always appreciated. Can’t quite tell if you enjoyed this or not. I’ll respond to your questions and comments.
First of all kudos to the research, it can be a joy for some writers and an absolute pain in the arse for others, but you've clearly put a lot into this and it is of course a much better script for it.
Yeah, I did do a bunch of research for this. I also spent 7 nights on Barbados awhile back and really loved it.
It flows nicely, and while there is a lot of action you've spaced it out well enough to flow, although some don't like things to be too spacey (as it eats up pages and makes a piece of work look longer than it is) I'm not too fussed either way.
This has a very nonstandard structure, especially with all the Flashbacks. Basically, it’s a story being told in 2 time periods – the present and the past. I tend to like talky scripts (and movies) and use dialogue to build character. I understand and realize there is a lot of “stuff” here that many may say isn’t necessary.
I was quite surprised to see you use such things as 'NOTE - MONTAGE RUNS TO END OF SONG' (or whatever it was) it just seemed like something you'd be against. As well as using a montage in general, although I'm thinking maybe that was one of the rules for the 7WC?
No, this was definitely not part of the challenge. I couldn’t get the montage to run as long as I needed in terms of page length to match up with the song, so I just wanted to be clear. Actually, I always am all for writers being as clear as possible, any way they can or have to. I have nothing against montages at all, actually, but I rarely use them.
The bit with Addinton's mother passing away was well-written and very sad. Does he die in the end himself after the stabbing or is that left open,?
Glad you liked Addinton’s Mum. I like her as well, and have to admit to feeling sad myself when I read this over. I think everything’s open to interpretation in a script or a movie, but I can tell you he lives through his stabbing. That’s why he speaks to Glenville at the end – so you “know” he survived.
I liked all of the police officer characters, whereas I couldn't care much for Mitch, Jack and Julie at all so I wasn't really too fussed about their fate in the slightest - although I'm sure others would have been more interested by them. The dialogue between the Bajans is excellent by the way.
Glad you liked the officers and Bajans. It was fun writing them. You’re not alone in your dislike of the main characters, Jack, Mitch, and Julie.
Julie came across as a bitch who wasn't going to put any effort in at all, although I can see how she'd maybe be like that after Jack's antics. I don't really have much in common with a pair of cocaine addicts either so I didn't really empathise with them too much.
Again, I’ve heard these same comments quite a bit, and I’m always surprised by them. With Julie, I guess I can understand, as you really only see her in a negative light, due to what’s happened to her relationship with Jack, but in reality, she’s not a bitch. But, Jack and Mitch? I don’t know. I like them both, as they’re both cool peeps in my book. They’re not cocaine addicts, although they’ve both been known to enjoy the cola…as well as the liquor…and the girls. I understand some/many may not be able to relate to their antics, but on the same hand, I bet there are countless real individuals you know and like, but don’t see this side of – as in, there is a side to everyone that very few actually see. Here, it’s front and center and important to the story.
I actually didn't see the Mitch being a ghost thing coming, however I did have some idea that he would be having it away with Julie. Now I think back though only Jack saw Mitch, so this is clever - I take it the 'cell' phone conversations were in his head? It did change the tone of the script lightly, going from a tourists abroad thriller to a ghost story. Now, of course, there was always a slightly paranormal tint with the dragonflies and the old lady but the Mitch reveal turned it from a lightly tinted piece to a full on supernatural thriller.
Actually, I wanted peeps to believe they had figured things out with Mitch being the other man, and I used this as a reverse type red herring in an unusual way – to hide the fact that he was much more than just the other man. You are correct – in the current timeline, Mitch only interacts with Jack onscreen. Others have questioned the cell phone usage, the vodka drinking, and the cocaine use. My answer is still the same – all those things actually happened. Although Mitch was dead and a ghost here, he was able to manipulate certain real life “things”, much the same way you’ve seen in any ghost stories, where the ghost makes things move, etc. My take on the classic revenge ghost story, I guess, told in an off kilter manner.
I could quite believe Jack turning into this nutty killer after hearing his back story, and as aforementioned I was pleased when the police man, Glenville was it, sunk a few bullets into him. I think the whole way through it was always fairly obvious that Jack had a seedy edge to him, in retrospect it was pretty apparent that he was involved in Julie's disappearance from the off. Which may have been what you wanted to convey, perhaps if Jack was painted in a more innocent light - with his dark past hidden, it may have made him a little more likeable to the audience or at least they might have been more surprised when he turned out to be a madman.
Well, again, the twist I wanted to conceal was what actually happened and the how and why, as opposed to the who. Actually, the more the reader finds out about Mitch, the more I wanted the blame shifted. In terms of Jack becoming a “madman” or “nutty killer”, I don’t know. I don’t see it that way. Although far from an excuse, remember, Jack went through quite a bit the day he killed Mitch. And also, remember, that in reality, he didn’t kill Julie – he actually tried to save her when she slipped over the edge of the dropoff. When he was found at the car rental, he truly didn’t know what had happened. He obviously lost it completely and the booze, the coke, the fight in the cave, and all the recessed feelings of guilt and grief over losing his son all came pounding to the forefront.
I did wonder, at one point, whether Mitch was Julie's lover and was just pretending to be Jack's best mate - playing off of his amnesia. I thought that maybe he was going to try get close to Jack and dispatch him so that he and Julie could run off into the sunset together. Might have been an interesting route to have taken, could have been concealed, but of course the ending of this actual script was a far cry from that so would have meant a complete change.
No, Jack and Mitch were truly best buds, all through their life, actually. In college, Mitch was the first to hook up with Julie, but all 3 were great friends. It was Mitch’s issues with commitment and drug use that led Julie to break off the relationship, and in stepped Jack. Years later, then it was Jack who went off the deep end and in stepped Mitch. As Julie says near the end – one big crazy circle, really.
Unfortunately I got distracted while reading this and because of that I missed a few things - who is it who kills Woodie? What ultimately happens to the three men who attacked Jack and Julie? Did Jack actually strike a deal with Woodie in the end? I thought maybe those three men might have been part of a set up made to make Jack look like a hero?
Woodie is killed by Jack. The way you’d know this is based on the watch on the wrist of the killer, which again ties back into the Vegas Flashback scene. If you think about it, you have to understand that Mitch was already dead at this point. We don’t find out what happens to Morris, Kean, and Rawle. Jack thinks he killed at least 1 of them. It would be tough for them to go to the police, considering that it was them who set the whole thing up in the caves. Jack had a deal with Woodie, but Woodie kept pushing for more. Woodie knew too much and as Jack spiraled out of control (the last night of his life, in the current time line), he realized he had to kill Woodie to potentially save himself.
Also, is Jack a trained fighter? Does he have some sort of boxing or martial arts background? I know ultimately it is only a story but it takes some going to take on the three men like he did, and I don't know many average joes who could do that.
Well, we definitely don’t know anything about Jack’s fighting training, but the Vegas Flashback actually is there (among other reasons) to show what Jack (and Mitch) are capable of. Remember, they took on 2 thugs in their room without even thinking about it. Trust me, there are definitely peeps out there exactly like this, just as there are peeps out there who’ll turn over and play dead when confronted. Also, understand that in the cave scene, he didn’t have too many options and he was protecting his wife, whom he really did love. He took quite a beating there and what ultimately happened, is definitely a bi-product of what happened in the cave – in more ways than one, actually.
Thanks again, Harry. If I can help with anything on any of your scripts, just let me know.
Hey Jeff, I've been meaning to get a review up for months but I totally forgot until I saw this thread at the top of the portal.
You sent me the newest draft a while back and I really enjoyed it. I think I read it in a single sitting then ended up going back and skimming through it a second time. I rarely read scripts around here for pleasure, but I got a kick out of this one.
I hate to leave "reviews" like this, but I was pretty impressed with almost all aspects of this, and I don't have anything to add at this point. From the amount of research that must have gone into this to the story structure... it's well done all around, especially for something originally written in 7 weeks.
Thanks, Will. I actually was wondering if you ever read it because I do remember sending it your way.
Don't worry about the lack of review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Reaper, I know you didn't like this, but I have to say that as much as I do love Fade to White, I think I like this one better, at least in terms of story and structure.
I do appreciate the shout at to Fade, though, brother. Thanks.
With regards to enjoyment if this was a film I'd probably recommend it to a friend for the good twists, although I don't know if it would break into my top 50 - I'd probably recommend it as a twist thriller as I would with 'A Perfect Getaway' maybe.
With Addinton speaking at the end I was aware he was alive then, but I wasn't sure as to whether he was 'dying' as in he was about to snuff it just as we hit the end.
With regards to cocaine addicts I thought that Jack had a major problem with cocaine after his son's death? That led me to think that he was an addict, and as you mentioned Julie did ditch Mitch due to his addiction. Yeah, with regards to relating to people like that you'd be surprised - sadly a lot of good kids that I grew up with got a bit too keen on their chemical persuasions and ended up going off the rails almost irreparably. Not all of them, but some, it was enough to keep me away from party drugs at any rate. In my university days though I did know lots of guys like Jack and Mitch and yeah there are an awful lot of people who just have a good time and it doesn't really go any further.
Yeah I knew that Mitch and Jack were best buds, but I meant that earlier in the script I thought maybe Mitch was just playing off his amnesia as he was the other man. I thought maybe he'd be the secret lover and was looking to build up Jack's trust, get him to a secluded location and bump him off etc. Obviously not as it turned up.
Yeah you're right about the flashback now I think about it, with regards to Jack being a top scrapper.
"We don't make movies for critics, since they don't pay to see them anyhow."
He's one of the first people on here that gave me some serious input (and a real confidence booster) on a script I wrote a few years back.
Don't want to steer the thread off course, so let's return to the discussion of the absolutely forgettable Unforgettable. lol you know I only poke fun, Jeff.
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Unforgettable - 7WC
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