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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  It Takes Two - 7WC Moderators: bert
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  Author    It Takes Two - 7WC  (currently 3638 views)
khamanna
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Gary. Appreciate the insight.

Herman, yeah sure, I'll let you know when.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the post and congratulations on completing the script in seven weeks.
I'm sorry to say I only made it about 40 pages into the script.
I could not tell what the goals of the characters were or the main plot.
The flashbacks showing us things we already knew, were tough to get through.
The five finger fillet is very interesting to read, I like that stuff a bunch!
Cole and Steve did not interest me as characters, they came off as petty.
Kate seemed to change her motivations with the wind, I could not follow her.
Personally, I winced in the bad way at the scaring to look like my twin scene.
I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but that's a direct lift from, "The Prestige."
I adore that film, it was tough on me to see that used here for these petty crooks.
I'll gladly read rewrites, I just want to feel more direction in the story.
Whatever you do, don't cut the five finger fillet stuff! Great imagery there!  


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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khamanna
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Electric Dreamer,

Petty crooks! You're right - they are
I tried reading Prestige by the way before getting to mine but the thing is such a tough read, my attention would leave me in every quarter of a page so I didn't finish it.
The good thing is - if people believed in those twins being so alike they should believe mine too. The bad thing is - like you said after Prestige this is pretty petty, plus it's about the petty crooks... --oh, it's doomed!

I'll work on the characters, actually thought about dismissing couple plot points as well, sort of refashion the script.

Thanks.

TO EVERYONE (except Ray, if you started reading of course and I'm ready to listen to you) - I'm planning to rewrite this starting tomorrow so maybe you could postpone the reading till the rewrite it out. Thanks.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Khamanna, how come Ray gets to keep reading?  Damn..I feel slighted...
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khamanna
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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Because he said he started and I don't want to tell him - hey I know you've read half of it but you wasted your time... I can still use his suggestions...

Didn't expect you to complain - you didn't want to go past 10, I accepted it.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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I was joking, Khamanna.

Just messin' around.

I actually wanted to try and finish the ones I didn't.

Didn't mean anything bad...
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seamus19382
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 12:19am Report to Moderator
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Jeez, Khamanna!  I get through the first 30 pages, then you tell me not to read it?  What the hell!!!!    I'm a very busy man.  Kinda busy.  Ok, I turned off Judge Judy to read it.  'll hold off for the next draft.

I thnk it's been said, but I'll reiterate, it gets confusing as to which twins which.  I don't have any practical advice as to how to fix it.  Sorry.

Also, is there really an underground knifey finger thing going on?  For money?  This economy is worse than I realized!

Looking forward to what you come up with!
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khamanna
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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Oh, sorry seamus, of course finish it if you want to, I really haven't expected that - should have said anyone who started... sorry - that was dumb of me.

Unless you don't want to. But let me know if I should wait. Thanks.
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khamanna
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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That's fine Dreamscale, I was half serious myself
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seamus19382
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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As much as I lke the nidea of you basing your rewriting schedule around me and Judge Judy, I would say don't.  That's way too much pressure!

You do your thing, and I'll get the next draft.
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khamanna
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 12:36am Report to Moderator
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Judge Judy won over, I see

I'll find you when the next draft is ready
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RayW
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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Page 1 of 2

PDF page 2
He opens a night stand drawer, rummages, pulls out a wallet
size picture of him with STEVEN ZALEWSKI (STEVE), 40s, Cole’s
identical twin.

Just make it STEVE ZALEWSKI, cut the proper name STEVEN & parentheses

End of Steve and Cole sequence. I thought I read in the comments someone suggested not having this in person, but rather to have it over the phone in this modern day and age.
I disagree.
I think the unhealthy need/love/hate relationship between these twins needs to be sold whenever it can.
"YES!" because it could have been handled over the phone, yet Steve comes over anyway, and Cole is begrudgingly fine with it, this begins to establish the depth of their unhealthy relationship.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY sequence that begins on PDF page 6:
I understand exactly the switch that has gone on, but am not EVEN going to try to keep the continuity straight.
So, LOL! I'm going to leave that up to you here to make sure you keep it straight.

PDF Page 11
STEVE
Go home, Barbara. I’ll stay with
Steve.

Whomever this tripped up doesn't understand what has happened.
I get it. It's correct and funny as hell! Rockin'! Two thumbs up.

I'm impressed with Cole for being able to keep up with his side of the deal considering how effed up on anesthetics and medications he must be on.

Also, that's some pretty identical identical twins going on.
Usually there are freckles, moles, teeth variations, eye spots, tiny hand scars to tell the difference.
Things a spouse would notice.
But... I love a good sprinkling of movie magic!
"Screwit. Just enjoy the d@mn show, Ray! Sheesh."
Okay! Okay! I am.

PDF Page 12
Brubaker eyes Steve. Again says nothing.
I'm chuckling at Doc. I like him a lot already.

PDF Page 14
KATE
Well, officer Zalewski, what were
you going to tell me then?
COLE
They painted this bench earlier
today.

Cute. I like it. I don't care if it's cliche. It's funny. Keep it.

PDF Page 16 Ah! A Hardee's bathroom! I know just what you're describing.


PDF Page 18
Steve crouches toward a small opening in the wall, covered
with a piece of metal akin to a lid on a garbage shoot.

Chute [url] http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/chute[/url]
Common error

PDF Page 19
Kate comes up to Cole and kisses him on the lips. Her hand
slides down his arm, bumping on the tubing thrust in his
veins.

"Thrust in his veins"? Just a wee melodramatic, eh?

She crouches next to the bed, rubs her cheek against the palm
of his hand.

Now, if Cole's in bed PRETENDING to be Steve, why is Cole's wife Kate rubbing her cheek on "brother in law's" palm right in front of her "husband"?
Whatsupwidat?

Pg 20
KATE
You know where it is. Know what,
get away from me, we’re not a
couple anymore...

Oh. Okay. So they're not a couple anymore. Just the same.
That seemed a rather intimate face/palm/rubbing act for the situation.
And if Cole and Steve are so buddy-buddy with their twins act, why doesn't Steve know that Cole and Kate are on the outs?
C'mon guys! Get with the program.

COLE (V.O.)
What’s your game, Kate? What’s
going on?...You didn’t do it, did
you?

I like the film noir-ish voice this has. You've done well with the timing and pace, as well.

Pg 21
Pictures of Cole and Kate posing with their two kids on
stands, a mantelpiece, walls.

The last part of that sentence reads funny.
Also, later on in the apartment there's only the one little kid we meet.
Make it one kid in the picture or intro us to two kids.
(One kid saves on actor expenses! and they ain't very relevant to the story, anyways.)

KATE
The twin act. The damned twin act.
COLE
Don’t make me regret that I’ve told
you.

Ah. Maybe I get it.
Ah. I don't.
At first I thought Cole and Kate were together double crossing Steve, but Cole's voice over on pg 19
"COLE (V.O) She doesn’t know he’s Steve? I’m Steve for her. ...Nobody knows. Shit." indicates that they are not working together.
So, no. I'm lost despite being able to follow some pretty convoluted story.

Pg 22 G! D! Another flashback.
Honestly: it's cool. It's okay. It really is.
I can definitely see where a bunch of uptights would flip out over this.
But really, it's okay if you just... let the movie play...

Officer GARRETT, 60s, three star insignia, behind the desk,
his eyes on a paper.

Since Garret is asking Lieutenant C.Z. for his badge you'll want to determine garret's rank (at least captain, I imagine) and cite him as such.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Police_rank#United_States

Pg 25
COLE
Come on. Just be a trouper.
KATE (O.S.)
A trouper? A trouper?

trooper

Pg 26
COLE (V.O.)
Right, vein cutting is women’s
business. Kate... She’s a woman.
COLE (V.O.)
Steve... Steve would go for a
throat. ...Can’t be Kate. Please...
Kate had a motive. ...Steve has a
motive too...

Fix that double on re-write

Pg 27
The scalpel is buried in the folds of the bed coverings.
Cole’s hand digs it out.

followed by
Steve moves bedside, holds Cole’s hand. Thumbs his pulse.
Make left and right hands clear.
Otherwise, Steve will have just grabbed Cole's hand holding the scalpel.

(Here's a prime example of one of the things that irritate me about these screenplays or at least the pandering to the seemingly infantile readers.
If I gave you a camera, three actors, a bed and a scalpel could you shoot this scene as you've written it?
I dare say "Yes".
A director, production designer and actors are smart enough to figure out "Yeah, yeah, yeah. you gotta get the left/right Dr/scalpel/Steve in Cole's hand thing figured out to shoot this."
They ain't stupid.
HOWEVER! The petulant and fickle READER may throw his prissy hands up in the air and say "I don't get it!" and toss an otherwise legit screenplay in the "refuse" heap.
The fact that it's absolute BS doesn't change the fact that that's the situation.
Grrrrrr..... !!!!!)


Pg 30
He insert the scalpel into the lock of his door and cuts
himself instead. He doesn’t react much - it’s a minor
scratch. Finally he thrusts it in, works the lock.

FWIW, hospital bathrooms lock, but not the entry doors. But movie magic works good!

Pg 31
An absent-minded NURSE, 20s, sits behind a call desk, doing
her nails. Cole sees her and pulls back to stay out of the
view.

To avoid offending the nurse corps, have her "immersed in reading a patient's chart with one phone to her ear as  two others ring"

He tries to pull it open, it won’t budge. Thrusts the scalpel
into the lock. There’s a clicking SOUND and he pulls it open.
Dives inside the--

G! D! Love that movie magic! That's some good sh!t, eh?!

Okay.
That whole sequence from page 31 "Cole shuffles out" to pg 34 " He shuffles through the opening that leads to the-- STAIR EXIT" just to get people to stay out of the room can be cut out by Cole simply removing a courtesy pen from the nightstand, pulling the tapped "NPO" paper sign from the door, flip it over, scribble a note reading "Testing. Do not disturb for 60 minutes" then re-taping that to the front door.
Cheaper to shoot, too.

Pg 34
EXT. SHADY AREA - FIRST FLOOR WINDOW - DAY
Here we meet Bill. Cole & Bill start talking about WTH happened with Steve and the Ref.
Is this the first floor window of the hospital - or - the gambling place?
It reads like the gambling place, if so gotta fix the slug or clarify in the action line.

Cole, sweaty beyond belief, KNOCKS with impatience.
Has Cole been able to put on some normal street clothes or is he still running around in hospital wear?

Pg 36
Cole walks into a toilet stall.
BILL
Was it your wife who ratted you and
Steve out?

That question couldn't possibly wait until the man finishes draining the weasel?
Bill's a nice guy.
Stay away from me, Bill.

Pg 37
Cole, neck clear of the scar,...
Would "pre-scar" read any better? Absent scar?

Pg 39
Cole emerges. Continues his search. He walks toward the metal
lid, the one Steve used to escape. Lunges in but backs up -
change of plans.

Also used on pg 18
Steve crouches toward a small opening in the wall, covered
with a piece of metal akin to a lid on a garbage shoot.
He lifts the lid. Dives in.

This metal flap thingie totally escapes me.

Cole’s eyes search for a clock. There’s one and Cole regards
the time
. It’s 4:10.

strike There’s one and Cole regards the time
Additionally, there's a clock in the gambling room's hallway to the bathroom? Okay.
How about just put it in the main gambling room as Cole tries to get outta there.

Pg 42
She looks him over, notes his scrubs.
I guess that answers my pg 34 clothes question.
Any particular reason Bill didn't ask about the scrubs?

Pg 43
There’s a radio control box on the counter. She grabs it with
her other hand. Her finger hovers over the red alarm button.

A what?



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RayW
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Page 2 of 2

Pg 44
Her hand darts for the button.
She's already holding it.

Pg 45 Here's the umpteenth flashback and by now I've grown quite accustomed to them.
They don't even bother me at all.
Either I've gotten into the swing of their frequency by this point of the story or the first twenty-something pages are loaded with them.
If you wanted to do a page number and timing count you might be able to figure out if you can begin with a lower frequency before gradually increasing them as the story progresses.
However, so far, every time you've used one it made sense, so I don't know how you're gonna figure a way around that.

Pg 49
Cole talks to a dial tone. Lee can’t hear that.
strike Lee can’t hear that.
as Lee looks up and down the noisy street a few steps away from him.

Pg 50
Cole looks around. He puts on the coat and pants on top of
the scrubs he’s been wearing. Slips into his own shoes.
Leaves the hospital rubber ones on the street.

Must've looked like h3ll running down the street carrying all that while outrunning officer Zippy Lee: Super Cop extraodinaire.

Pg 52
COLE
I do what I do. I’m a janitor. Many
janitors have families that accept
them--
KATE (O.S.)
I did not marry a janitor. All you
had to do is say ‘no’ to your
brother. That’s all. No. No, Steve.
Repeat after me “No, Steve”. No
twin act.

This is a very real life, painful situation you've brought into your story. Very nice.

Pg 56
Cole notices an OFFICER, who jots something down in a
notebook.

Likely that would be a detective.

Pg 57
Cole nods to him, heads for the bathroom. But the Officer
sprouts in front of him.

Sprouts or sprints? Could go either way.
Hard to tell with creative writing.

Pg 59
COLE
At the end? What end? You’re
kidding, right?
GARRETT
Yeah, I do. It’s twenty first
century. Thumb...

Something's not right with that "Yeah. I do" bit, like you went back and changed one thing but missed that response.

Pg 60
Steve nears Cole. No one can hear them but Steve still uses
his whisper voice to add weight to what he’s about to say:
STEVE
Referee will tell you where. You
get the money and come right back.

You'll need to establish some sort of clothing gimmick or have include Cole's name in that dialog so that the audience will pick up on who's talking to whom.

Also, by now it's obvious that there was some sort of double-triple-cross of a theft of ill gotten betting gains and I don't know how important it will become later, but as it stands, it's not very clear as to whose or what amount of money was stolen or from whom exactly?
I don't know who got stiffed.
I know the police are investigating and I'm pretty sure since it's an illegal activity the front-end theft victim isn't exactly going to go crying to the police.
But someone ought to be VERY POed about being set up and stolen from by the conniving Zalewski Bros. and the Ref.

Pg 61
COLE
Belleview and First.

... a few lines later...
Garrett studies the gadget. He fingers it to enlarge the view
- the dot is moving toward Belleview and 1st.

What's Hoyle's say about using "first" in the dialog but "1st" in the action line?
Does it really matter, or just something to cry about?

Pg 62
OFFICER
Sir, sorry sir, Lee’s blackberry
shows at Beechnut. Steve is 30
miles away from there. As far as we
know he took a trip to Colorado.
Over.

Now... Steve is supposed to be doinked-out in the hospital bed when in fact A: he really is running around for some two-hour snipe hunt to Breckenridge while B: Cole/Steve's bed-ridden impostor is staggering around the city.
Why doesn't Garret tell Officer "Nope. Steve's doinked-out at the hospital." ? Is he in on this ever expanding scope of crooks?

Pg 66
Steve appears from around a corner. He reacts to shooting on
Belleview and First and strides away faster.

WhereTH did Steve come from?
He back from Breckenridge already?
Pg 28 STEVE Two hours there and back... You don’t just want me out of the way, do you?
Pg 29 He regards the wall clock. It’s 3:25.
Pg 61 He glances at the time and winces. It’s 5:15.
Close enough
Steve's return to the city needs some setup or I didn't grasp the "Steve's 30 miles away in Colorado" thing the officer stated just moments ago.

Pg 69 Respectfully, you gotta get rid of that locked hospital room entry door thing  - and - the movie magic scalpel for lock picking purposes. Cole can stab Steve in the thigh with the same ball point pen he wrote "Testing for two hours" with when he escaped the room earlier.

And get rid of any prior cardiac monitoring references.
In this day and age of Blackberries there'd be cardiac monitor alarms ringing off left and right if there was no one attached to them or even if it was turned off.
They are monitored from elsewhere.
It doesn't add anything, so...

Pg 70
STEVE
Come on. You’re still alive?

Several times there have been references to Cole killing himself as part of this nebulous "plan", but the reason for such a definitive solution to an unclear goal escapes me.

STEVE
You know, Cole, it’s not too late.
I give up my life here, you give up
yours. Let’s start again. In
Mexico. We’ll make tons of money on
a twin act. Hell, the knife-game
alone is a gem--

D@mn, Steve. You're just one lazy @ss one trick pony, ain't you? Get a job, you lazy bastard!

Pg 71
Cole makes a note of the pistol dangling around Steve’s
waist.

Ol' Steve is pretty cavalier about his pistol hanging out at the hospital.
Maybe Steve can threateningly flash Cole the otherwise concealed pistol.

Pg 72
Steve darts toward Cole and pushes the pillow on him.
FWIW, try suffocating yourself in a pillow. You can't.
It's one many ridiculous movie magic things everyone does.
How about a plain, good old fashioned choke-your-sibling-to-death?!

Pg 74
A gun fires and the bullet hits her in the chest.
WTH?! Way to go, Cole! Dumb@ss.

Pg 77
Garrett is in no hurry to speak. He looks down, then lifts
his eyes back at Cole.

Nice line.

COLE
I always keep an eye on Steve. You
know, I’m an older brother born
full twenty seconds earlier--

Check and see, but you might wanna change that to just plain old two minutes.

Pg 78
GARRETT
Do it. Do it and you’ll see. Plus
we need to put a stop to it. He’s
in a pact with the Referee.

Referee really does need a legit name at some point.

Pg 87 That's an odd little exchange between Lee and Cole in the way to Garrett. I dunno.

Cole spots the exit sign. Bolts toward it but Lee clutches
his arm.

WTH? I think tht was part of something else that forgot to be cleaned up.

Pg 89
GARRETT
Sure, Captain.
COLE
Captain?
Garrett nods.
GARRETT
Yeah, right. Captain.

Probably need to make Garrett... Major or Deputy inspector, unless Cole is going to be junior Captain to Garrett's senior.
Also, you'll probably need to play up what a monster betting ring all of this brought down with catching/killing the Referee.
Probably ought to make that Referee catch scene from pg 66 more grandiose than "Referee bursts out, a pistol in his hand. A gunshot seizes him, the bullet gets him in the leg. He holds on to the leg and limps further. Hurries back inside the building." followed by pg 68 "GARRETT (V.O.) Think about his next step. No one’s escaped just yet. Congrats on the referee by the way. Over."


Done

Okay! That was a fantastic film noir screenplay!
It ain't my bag, but I recognize that it's really going to be a fun project for some intrepid director to try.
Lotta fun with those sets and camera work.

Yeah, no major re-write. Just clean up on a lot of the weenie details and this baby should be primed.
Make the dollar amount of the betting more apparent.
Really make the scope of this senator ensnaring dragnet obvious at about the half way point.
Establish who stole the money from whom. Someone collected that $4M. Who was it? How come they didn't guard it better.
Make the capture of Referee a bigger cinematic experience than he ran into a building and got caught off screen.
I'm still not clear why Cole had to die as being an important factor in stealing the money or the brother's getting away with it.
And I think Barbara can be either removed entirely or just be Steve's tumultuous on-again-off-again girlfriend to make a nice contrast to the sincere love Cole & Kate have, flawed as it may be.




Revision History (1 edits)
RayW  -  September 15th, 2010, 1:44pm
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khamanna
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you so much Ray for the read and detailed notes. I am going to study them and am going to take them close to heart.

Interesting stuff here. All useful!
Thanks!
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