SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 10:09am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  It Takes Two - 7WC Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    It Takes Two - 7WC  (currently 3639 views)
Don
Posted: September 5th, 2010, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
It Takes Two - 7WC by Khamanna Iskandarova - Thriller - An amnesiac patient must solve the puzzle of what led him to his present condition and choose to believe either his brother or his wife. Only he has a secret of his own... 96 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  December 13th, 2010, 3:11pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I'm more than just a little bit leery about posting any negative feedback after the debacle going on in the C.C World thread, but this one is up next.

Khamanna, I have to start with your logline, as I feel logs are very important...they're the first thing anyone sees, before even reading the actual script, and when there are multiple errors in a 2 sentence log, it's just a big red flag waiving, telling us there are going to be problems within.

So, this is merely meant to help, and maybe you want to correct this ASAP.

"An amnesiac patient must solve the puzzle of what have lead him to his present condition and choose who to believe his brother or his wife. Only he has a secret of his own… "

- "have lead" - "led"  "and choose who to believe his brother or his wife" - "and choose to believe either his brother or his wife".  It's just a really awkward line and again, it's just a bad way to start things out, IMO.

I honestly do not want to be picky or the like, but IMO, this does not read the way you want it to.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 28
khamanna
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
I'm planning to rewrite the logline altogether as it does seem a bit like a tagline, never gave it another thought.

But for now: "An amnesiac patient must solve the puzzle of what led him to his present condition and choose to believe either his brother or his wife. Only he has a secret of his own..."

Thanks for corrections.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 28
Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Much better!  I'm reading it now and will comment ASAP. (later today).
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 28
c m hall
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
peninsula of Jersey
Posts
422
Posts Per Day
0.08
My take on this is that it's a very clever story (confusing but very interesting), it reminds me of b/w films from the 1940s and '50s -- I imagine it with all kinds of odd angles in the camera shots and sharp, jarring music.  

I think that knife game works beautifully for you, and you manage to keep the flashbacks under control.

I don't know how, but I'd like to see Kate's character revealed a little more.

Trivial point -- in American English one normally says "Steve and I" instead of "I and Steve" -- maybe in other parts of the world it's different -- but in this case I think the "I and Steve (or whoever)" works like a sort of mirror image, making the audience aware of yet another odd, possible angle to the story.

Anyway, I think you've done remarkable work.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 28
Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



OK, Khamanna, here we go.  People seem to detest the way I “qualify” my comments with “this is seriously meant to help”, “don’t take this the wrong way”. “sorry for being harsh”, etc, that I continually throw out, but I’m going to say the same things here again, and I do mean them.

These are merely my opinions, and they’re meant to help, and I apologize if anything I say comes off as harsh.

First off, congrats on completing a feature length script in 7 short weeks.  That’s is seriously something to be proud of.

I got through page 19, and I think I better stop.  I took some notes as I read which I’ll include at the end that may help with a few things.

Things just aren’t working for me here.  I’m completely lost with the apparent problems with character’s dialogue(boxes) and interaction with other characters.  I have this feeling that things could be cleaned up to read clearer, as I am pretty sure I know where this is going and what you’re trying to do and get across.

The way it’s written though is not working for me, and I don’t want to continue.

There are things about your writing that I really like and appreciate.  Your descriptions are imaginative, creative, and have visual quality.  It’s also clear that you’ve created an intricate story here that could be really engaging.

As written, though, it’s not getting through to me.

The fact that you have 2 identical twin characters that are constantly switching and acting like each other is a big problem and distraction.  It has to be clear to your audience who is who and who is doing what.  If you’re trying to conceal that, it’s fine, but it has to be written so that it makes sense, and currently, it’s either not, or I just can’t seem to follow along.

A big issue, I’d recommend looking at seriously, is your dialogue.  It doesn’t come off remotely realistic.  It’s jilted, staged, and odd at times.  It’s also full of exposition that wouldn’t really be coming out in dialogue…in other words, it seems contrived, and here simply to pass information to the audience.  Characters don’t really seem to know each other and have a past together.

I think there is potential here, though, so I look forward to reading revisions and helping any way I can.  I can go into these comments deeper, if you’d like.  Just let me know.

Best of luck on this.

Page by page notes…

Page 1 – POV incorrectly done.

If this first “scene” is indeed a dream, it’s not properly formatted and reads very confusing.

OK, it’s night, in a small apartment, meaning it’s dark.  How does Cole look at this picture, and why would there be a mirror in a man’s night stand, in he’s doing lines.

Page 4 – Too many examples of these 2 brothers using each other’s name in dialogue.   Also, doubt it makes any sense for Steve to come over to Cole’s late at night for this brief meeting…why not just have it take place via the phone.  A lot of exposition in the dialogue.

Once we go to “OVER BLACK”, I’m clueless as to what’s supposed to be happening onscreen.  Also, I think this should be a “FADE TO BLACK” or the like.

Page 5 – In the Female Voice’s dialogue, the entire line has no spaces between words.

So, since we were on a black screen, we need to fade into the next scene, yet you say “the screen frame twirls into…”, which doesn’t make sense because it’s a black screen to start, and a SLUG of “THE MIND OF COLE” doesn’t make much sense or have any visual meaning.

Page 6 – I’d recommend losing transitions like “CUT TO:” unless they really do something, and these don’t, IMO.  Also, you’re once again stating you’re over a black screen, yet you describe things, meaning it’s not a black screen.  This entire thing is very confusing as written.

New SLUG of “GAMBLING ROOM” is rough.

“loosing” – losing”
OK, seems like this is a Flashback scene – if that’s the case, you need to label it as such.  When a character is “younger” we need to know his age. In a filmed version, we’d be guessing, obviously, but on paper, you need to give all the info you can, since we don’t have the benefits of visuals.

Page 8/9 – Is it Gary or Garry?  You’ve used both.

Page 9 – You’ve got Steve in the room, and Cole on the bed, right?  Barbara says something about Steve being back, think you mean. Cole, right?

Page 10 – Now she says, “Cole, are you staying?” – She means, Steve, right?  These kinds of issues are crushing as it’s impossible to follow what’s going on.  Needs to be fixed up.

Steve says, “I’ll stay with Steve” – HUH?

And again, now she says, “Cole, tell Kate…” – I have no clue what’s going on!

The V.O.’s from Cole are really confusing as well.  I’m lost.

Page 11 – I’m even more lost now, with the intro to the doctor.  Khamanna, something isn’t working here…maybe it’s me, but I’m completely clueless here.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 28
khamanna
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Thank you C M Hall, I appreciate the read and agree with your points.

Thanks Dreamscale for your take on my first 20p and for page by page notes. I haven't read your responses to other scripts but this what you have here for me works just fine (maybe you toned it down, I don't know) but this is not mean at all.
Just one thing I need to clarify for you - P9 & 10 - no she doesn't mean Steve, Cole now has a scar - so everyone thinks he is Steve. Steve has a turtleneck to hide his scar, everyone assumes he's Cole.

What I think is - it's harder to read than to watch, when you watch you'll see the scar, the close-ups and get the point. When you read (and plus this is a frustrating read) something like this you may easily get lost. I've heard this from a writer (a very good writer) and can see what he means. But this is confusing, like I said I have to tone  the flashbacks down, simplify a bit.

Thanks for the read!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 28
Brian M
Posted: September 7th, 2010, 11:03am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.08
Hey Khamanna,

Congratulations on completing the challenge within the 7 weeks. I’m just going to write my thoughts on various things in no particular order so I apologize if it seems I’m rambling. I hope you can make some sense and it helps you in some way. Anyway, I’ve not noted any typos as we will all have plenty to spare so I see no need to point them all out. It is a first draft after all. On to the story...

SPOILERS AS USUAL...

I’ll admit to being very confused on more than one occasion. I had to read some parts several times but I think I got everything in the end. It does come off as a bit of a “WHAT?” moment when they refer to Cole as Steve and such, but once we realize what’s going on, I thought I’d be okay. There were still times where I was questioning what’s going on, like Kate motivations. I’ve thought about it and I think I know how you can help the reader in this situation.  

I think there is a definite lack of information until the later pages. I’m all for a mystery, but you need to keep the reader interested with some revelations, and right now, I don’t think there is enough of them. In the last 10 or so pages, we are bombarded with flashbacks to fill us in on what’s happened, but nothing before that. More than halfway through the script, I still had little to no idea on several things. Who is the bad guy? Is it really Steve? Why would Cole think that Kate did it? Why would Cole agree to kill himself? If you could find a way for Cole to put everything together gradually and not overload us with everything in the last ten pages, the reader won’t be confused with 90% of what’s going on.

Next, the flashbacks. In my opinion, there are far too many of them. There might actually be just as many flashbacks here as there are scenes in present time. If you can cut them back to only what is necessary, it could help a lot.

There were a lot of good things in here. I liked the knife game, and I enjoyed it when they switched in the toilet and the lengths they went to when Cole cut himself so they could continue the twin act.

I also liked the transitions to the dreams/flashbacks (the screen twirling and such). Very imaginative and very visual. Some descriptions were great. One in particular for the bathroom “The kind that’s never seen a woman’s touch.” Liked that one a lot.

The laser treatment for the scar would not heal in the current time frame and would still certainly be noticeable.

Also, I didn’t think it was realistic that Kate wouldn’t recognize Cole from Steve, scar or no scar. I think she should be able to tell them apart. Maybe you should show us, the reader, something that separates Cole from Steve, which would help some of the confusing parts.

Her actions confused me throughout, which makes me think her character needs a lot of work. I didn’t really like her, partly because I didn’t know who’s side she was on. Saying that, I still think we should find something in her that makes us want to believe she’s on Cole’s side. As it stands, I didn’t really care about her.

Dialogue was a problem for me, sorry to say. I always struggle with dialogue when writing, too. Some of it felt really forced, and with another draft, I’m sure you can fix it. Example on page 19 - “That’s so unlike you”.  I felt that wasn’t natural and being forced on us. There were a few good lines, too. The Beggar’s line “For a burger” made me smile.

Over all, good work for seven weeks and it’s something you could definitely improve on if you can get a handle on the confusing parts and flashbacks. I agree with Catherine that it reminded me of those black and white thriller movies from the 40’s. I can’t remember anything else to write but I will add if anything comes to mind later. You kept me interested to the end. Good work!

Brian
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 28
khamanna
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Thank you so much for reading and deciphering it. I'm aware AND agree with you on all points. Thank you for double push - I'll try to find a way to cut the flashbacks and make it clearer.

I kept Cole wondering whether it's Kate or Steve on purpose though - structured the whole story on that: when he realizes it's Kate - that's the midpoint, when he understands it's Steve and returns to the hospital - that's beginning of the third act. I wonder if I should take your suggestion though, I see what you're saying and find it wonderful thought, just don't know.

Thank you, I'll read yours next!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 28
Coding Herman
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
455
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hi Khama,

I'm returning the read here. Before I go any further, congrats on finishing the 7WC!

I read up to page 33 where your Act I ends. That's a long Act I for a 90ish page script. But I guess it's okay as long as you set things up properly.

Here are my notes:

The identical twins premise is intriguing.

I liked the finger fillet scene in the beginning. That looks tense.

You had Doctor Brubaker's dialogue box as DOCTOR but in the description you called him as Brubaker. Pick one or another.

I don't really like Steve talking to himself in the hospital room. And most of his speech is pure exposition.

Whoa...whoa...whoa...Read this on page 17: "Steve exits the stall and it’s apparent now that it was Cole who exited the bathroom, left with the opponent and finished the game for Steve." So who exited the stall and the bathroom, and who finished the game?

On page 18, Kate addressed to Steve, who she thinks is Cole, is a bit awkward. Isn't Kate Cole's wife? So Kate should say Honey or something to that effect, not Cole. I know what you're trying to do here. You wanna tell us that Kate thinks Steve is Cole, but we already assume that's the case.

WHAT? Why would Kate kiss Cole on the lips when she thinks the one lying on the bed is Steve?

On page 22, I don't get the conversation, is Garrett teaming up with Cole and Steve? It seems like Garrett is acknowledging the fraud and helping Cole and Steve.

You should write the dialogue box as MALE NURSE, not just NURSE because there was another nurse in the beginning.


Here are my general thoughts. Unfortunately, I didn't really understand what's supposed to be going on (i.e. the big picture) in those 33 pages.

I see things happening. Like Cole cuts himself to look like Steve, they switch identity, they talked about some money and Kate may know where it is, Cole and Steve were police officers and they teamed up in finger fillet game. BUT they don't really come together to form a clear goal for Cole.

I don't understand their motives either. So like Cole and Steve hate each other now? But why? I thought they were teaming up. Why not just split the money in half?

There are also some flashback scenes that don't move the story forward. Like Kate and Cole arguing about the twin act. We already knew about the twin act.

Hopefully all of these questions will be answered as I read further.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 28
khamanna
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
on p18 Kate did not kiss him - Cole was imagining that. --just to clarify.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 28
Coding Herman
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
455
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hmm.....really? I re-read it but it still reads like it's not Cole's imagination.

Is it the SNAP that signifies back to reality?

I don't know, it's not that clear. But why do you want Cole to imagine things in the first place?


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 28
khamanna
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
He wants it to be this way, thinks that's what's going to happen next. I'll try to find out how to write it properly - need to read more thrillers for that I think. I thought it's the coolest thrilling trick but probably not clear as written.

The act break is on p26 when scalpel disappears - Cole came to his senses and started acting. He also tells Steve where the money is, bluffs to get rid of him - that's the second act already.

You know what if you want to take a raincheck and check out the full version when I'm done with the rewrite - that's good with me. Your comments are helpful but I know the script is confusing and don't want to bother you. Besides I'll use a read on the rewrite...
Your call really. Thanks.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 28
Coding Herman
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
455
Posts Per Day
0.09
I think the meeting with Kate is the most confusing part thus far. It seems like Kate knows that Cole is actually Cole in one instance, but then switches back to Steve in the next second.

I need to know something more between Lee and Cole. Was Cole Lee's boss from before? They seem to know each other quite well. I mean, Lee in this situation should just kick out Cole and leave him there.

I couldn't connect the dots. How did Cole know that Kate was trying to kill him?

I stopped reading at page 57. I hope you understand. I just couldn't feel a direction in the story. What's Cole trying to do here?

But I'll take a raincheck. Just let me know after you rewrite it.

Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 28
grademan
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Khamanna,

Congrats on finishing the 7WC! It feels good to finish a feature, doesn’t it? Here are my comments:

This story was clever but confusing. I liked the five finger fillet knife game.

I didn’t like being pulled into the black in the early scenes.

Your narrative was quirky at times with phrases that described what should have been shown or divulged in dialog.

Not an easy read for me. I know twin stories are meant to be confusing to an extent. Somehow I got confused on who was who fairly early on. Cut or not, the twins were hard to follow. Neither stood out as unique and thus I had trouble getting behind the characters. So maybe I just missed something that would tie it all together for me.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 28
khamanna
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Thanks for the read, Gary. Appreciate the insight.

Herman, yeah sure, I'll let you know when.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 28
Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55
Thanks for the post and congratulations on completing the script in seven weeks.
I'm sorry to say I only made it about 40 pages into the script.
I could not tell what the goals of the characters were or the main plot.
The flashbacks showing us things we already knew, were tough to get through.
The five finger fillet is very interesting to read, I like that stuff a bunch!
Cole and Steve did not interest me as characters, they came off as petty.
Kate seemed to change her motivations with the wind, I could not follow her.
Personally, I winced in the bad way at the scaring to look like my twin scene.
I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but that's a direct lift from, "The Prestige."
I adore that film, it was tough on me to see that used here for these petty crooks.
I'll gladly read rewrites, I just want to feel more direction in the story.
Whatever you do, don't cut the five finger fillet stuff! Great imagery there!  


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 28
khamanna
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Thanks Electric Dreamer,

Petty crooks! You're right - they are
I tried reading Prestige by the way before getting to mine but the thing is such a tough read, my attention would leave me in every quarter of a page so I didn't finish it.
The good thing is - if people believed in those twins being so alike they should believe mine too. The bad thing is - like you said after Prestige this is pretty petty, plus it's about the petty crooks... --oh, it's doomed!

I'll work on the characters, actually thought about dismissing couple plot points as well, sort of refashion the script.

Thanks.

TO EVERYONE (except Ray, if you started reading of course and I'm ready to listen to you) - I'm planning to rewrite this starting tomorrow so maybe you could postpone the reading till the rewrite it out. Thanks.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 28
Dreamscale
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Khamanna, how come Ray gets to keep reading?  Damn..I feel slighted...
Logged
e-mail Reply: 18 - 28
khamanna
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Because he said he started and I don't want to tell him - hey I know you've read half of it but you wasted your time... I can still use his suggestions...

Didn't expect you to complain - you didn't want to go past 10, I accepted it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 28
Dreamscale
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I was joking, Khamanna.

Just messin' around.

I actually wanted to try and finish the ones I didn't.

Didn't mean anything bad...
Logged
e-mail Reply: 20 - 28
seamus19382
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 12:19am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
241
Posts Per Day
0.04
Jeez, Khamanna!  I get through the first 30 pages, then you tell me not to read it?  What the hell!!!!    I'm a very busy man.  Kinda busy.  Ok, I turned off Judge Judy to read it.  'll hold off for the next draft.

I thnk it's been said, but I'll reiterate, it gets confusing as to which twins which.  I don't have any practical advice as to how to fix it.  Sorry.

Also, is there really an underground knifey finger thing going on?  For money?  This economy is worse than I realized!

Looking forward to what you come up with!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 28
khamanna
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 12:23am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Oh, sorry seamus, of course finish it if you want to, I really haven't expected that - should have said anyone who started... sorry - that was dumb of me.

Unless you don't want to. But let me know if I should wait. Thanks.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 28
khamanna
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 12:25am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
That's fine Dreamscale, I was half serious myself
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 28
seamus19382
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 12:32am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
241
Posts Per Day
0.04
As much as I lke the nidea of you basing your rewriting schedule around me and Judge Judy, I would say don't.  That's way too much pressure!

You do your thing, and I'll get the next draft.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 28
khamanna
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 12:36am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Judge Judy won over, I see

I'll find you when the next draft is ready
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 25 - 28
RayW
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
Page 1 of 2

PDF page 2
He opens a night stand drawer, rummages, pulls out a wallet
size picture of him with STEVEN ZALEWSKI (STEVE), 40s, Cole’s
identical twin.

Just make it STEVE ZALEWSKI, cut the proper name STEVEN & parentheses

End of Steve and Cole sequence. I thought I read in the comments someone suggested not having this in person, but rather to have it over the phone in this modern day and age.
I disagree.
I think the unhealthy need/love/hate relationship between these twins needs to be sold whenever it can.
"YES!" because it could have been handled over the phone, yet Steve comes over anyway, and Cole is begrudgingly fine with it, this begins to establish the depth of their unhealthy relationship.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY sequence that begins on PDF page 6:
I understand exactly the switch that has gone on, but am not EVEN going to try to keep the continuity straight.
So, LOL! I'm going to leave that up to you here to make sure you keep it straight.

PDF Page 11
STEVE
Go home, Barbara. I’ll stay with
Steve.

Whomever this tripped up doesn't understand what has happened.
I get it. It's correct and funny as hell! Rockin'! Two thumbs up.

I'm impressed with Cole for being able to keep up with his side of the deal considering how effed up on anesthetics and medications he must be on.

Also, that's some pretty identical identical twins going on.
Usually there are freckles, moles, teeth variations, eye spots, tiny hand scars to tell the difference.
Things a spouse would notice.
But... I love a good sprinkling of movie magic!
"Screwit. Just enjoy the d@mn show, Ray! Sheesh."
Okay! Okay! I am.

PDF Page 12
Brubaker eyes Steve. Again says nothing.
I'm chuckling at Doc. I like him a lot already.

PDF Page 14
KATE
Well, officer Zalewski, what were
you going to tell me then?
COLE
They painted this bench earlier
today.

Cute. I like it. I don't care if it's cliche. It's funny. Keep it.

PDF Page 16 Ah! A Hardee's bathroom! I know just what you're describing.


PDF Page 18
Steve crouches toward a small opening in the wall, covered
with a piece of metal akin to a lid on a garbage shoot.

Chute [url] http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/chute[/url]
Common error

PDF Page 19
Kate comes up to Cole and kisses him on the lips. Her hand
slides down his arm, bumping on the tubing thrust in his
veins.

"Thrust in his veins"? Just a wee melodramatic, eh?

She crouches next to the bed, rubs her cheek against the palm
of his hand.

Now, if Cole's in bed PRETENDING to be Steve, why is Cole's wife Kate rubbing her cheek on "brother in law's" palm right in front of her "husband"?
Whatsupwidat?

Pg 20
KATE
You know where it is. Know what,
get away from me, we’re not a
couple anymore...

Oh. Okay. So they're not a couple anymore. Just the same.
That seemed a rather intimate face/palm/rubbing act for the situation.
And if Cole and Steve are so buddy-buddy with their twins act, why doesn't Steve know that Cole and Kate are on the outs?
C'mon guys! Get with the program.

COLE (V.O.)
What’s your game, Kate? What’s
going on?...You didn’t do it, did
you?

I like the film noir-ish voice this has. You've done well with the timing and pace, as well.

Pg 21
Pictures of Cole and Kate posing with their two kids on
stands, a mantelpiece, walls.

The last part of that sentence reads funny.
Also, later on in the apartment there's only the one little kid we meet.
Make it one kid in the picture or intro us to two kids.
(One kid saves on actor expenses! and they ain't very relevant to the story, anyways.)

KATE
The twin act. The damned twin act.
COLE
Don’t make me regret that I’ve told
you.

Ah. Maybe I get it.
Ah. I don't.
At first I thought Cole and Kate were together double crossing Steve, but Cole's voice over on pg 19
"COLE (V.O) She doesn’t know he’s Steve? I’m Steve for her. ...Nobody knows. Shit." indicates that they are not working together.
So, no. I'm lost despite being able to follow some pretty convoluted story.

Pg 22 G! D! Another flashback.
Honestly: it's cool. It's okay. It really is.
I can definitely see where a bunch of uptights would flip out over this.
But really, it's okay if you just... let the movie play...

Officer GARRETT, 60s, three star insignia, behind the desk,
his eyes on a paper.

Since Garret is asking Lieutenant C.Z. for his badge you'll want to determine garret's rank (at least captain, I imagine) and cite him as such.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Police_rank#United_States

Pg 25
COLE
Come on. Just be a trouper.
KATE (O.S.)
A trouper? A trouper?

trooper

Pg 26
COLE (V.O.)
Right, vein cutting is women’s
business. Kate... She’s a woman.
COLE (V.O.)
Steve... Steve would go for a
throat. ...Can’t be Kate. Please...
Kate had a motive. ...Steve has a
motive too...

Fix that double on re-write

Pg 27
The scalpel is buried in the folds of the bed coverings.
Cole’s hand digs it out.

followed by
Steve moves bedside, holds Cole’s hand. Thumbs his pulse.
Make left and right hands clear.
Otherwise, Steve will have just grabbed Cole's hand holding the scalpel.

(Here's a prime example of one of the things that irritate me about these screenplays or at least the pandering to the seemingly infantile readers.
If I gave you a camera, three actors, a bed and a scalpel could you shoot this scene as you've written it?
I dare say "Yes".
A director, production designer and actors are smart enough to figure out "Yeah, yeah, yeah. you gotta get the left/right Dr/scalpel/Steve in Cole's hand thing figured out to shoot this."
They ain't stupid.
HOWEVER! The petulant and fickle READER may throw his prissy hands up in the air and say "I don't get it!" and toss an otherwise legit screenplay in the "refuse" heap.
The fact that it's absolute BS doesn't change the fact that that's the situation.
Grrrrrr..... !!!!!)


Pg 30
He insert the scalpel into the lock of his door and cuts
himself instead. He doesn’t react much - it’s a minor
scratch. Finally he thrusts it in, works the lock.

FWIW, hospital bathrooms lock, but not the entry doors. But movie magic works good!

Pg 31
An absent-minded NURSE, 20s, sits behind a call desk, doing
her nails. Cole sees her and pulls back to stay out of the
view.

To avoid offending the nurse corps, have her "immersed in reading a patient's chart with one phone to her ear as  two others ring"

He tries to pull it open, it won’t budge. Thrusts the scalpel
into the lock. There’s a clicking SOUND and he pulls it open.
Dives inside the--

G! D! Love that movie magic! That's some good sh!t, eh?!

Okay.
That whole sequence from page 31 "Cole shuffles out" to pg 34 " He shuffles through the opening that leads to the-- STAIR EXIT" just to get people to stay out of the room can be cut out by Cole simply removing a courtesy pen from the nightstand, pulling the tapped "NPO" paper sign from the door, flip it over, scribble a note reading "Testing. Do not disturb for 60 minutes" then re-taping that to the front door.
Cheaper to shoot, too.

Pg 34
EXT. SHADY AREA - FIRST FLOOR WINDOW - DAY
Here we meet Bill. Cole & Bill start talking about WTH happened with Steve and the Ref.
Is this the first floor window of the hospital - or - the gambling place?
It reads like the gambling place, if so gotta fix the slug or clarify in the action line.

Cole, sweaty beyond belief, KNOCKS with impatience.
Has Cole been able to put on some normal street clothes or is he still running around in hospital wear?

Pg 36
Cole walks into a toilet stall.
BILL
Was it your wife who ratted you and
Steve out?

That question couldn't possibly wait until the man finishes draining the weasel?
Bill's a nice guy.
Stay away from me, Bill.

Pg 37
Cole, neck clear of the scar,...
Would "pre-scar" read any better? Absent scar?

Pg 39
Cole emerges. Continues his search. He walks toward the metal
lid, the one Steve used to escape. Lunges in but backs up -
change of plans.

Also used on pg 18
Steve crouches toward a small opening in the wall, covered
with a piece of metal akin to a lid on a garbage shoot.
He lifts the lid. Dives in.

This metal flap thingie totally escapes me.

Cole’s eyes search for a clock. There’s one and Cole regards
the time
. It’s 4:10.

strike There’s one and Cole regards the time
Additionally, there's a clock in the gambling room's hallway to the bathroom? Okay.
How about just put it in the main gambling room as Cole tries to get outta there.

Pg 42
She looks him over, notes his scrubs.
I guess that answers my pg 34 clothes question.
Any particular reason Bill didn't ask about the scrubs?

Pg 43
There’s a radio control box on the counter. She grabs it with
her other hand. Her finger hovers over the red alarm button.

A what?



Logged
Private Message Reply: 26 - 28
RayW
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
Page 2 of 2

Pg 44
Her hand darts for the button.
She's already holding it.

Pg 45 Here's the umpteenth flashback and by now I've grown quite accustomed to them.
They don't even bother me at all.
Either I've gotten into the swing of their frequency by this point of the story or the first twenty-something pages are loaded with them.
If you wanted to do a page number and timing count you might be able to figure out if you can begin with a lower frequency before gradually increasing them as the story progresses.
However, so far, every time you've used one it made sense, so I don't know how you're gonna figure a way around that.

Pg 49
Cole talks to a dial tone. Lee can’t hear that.
strike Lee can’t hear that.
as Lee looks up and down the noisy street a few steps away from him.

Pg 50
Cole looks around. He puts on the coat and pants on top of
the scrubs he’s been wearing. Slips into his own shoes.
Leaves the hospital rubber ones on the street.

Must've looked like h3ll running down the street carrying all that while outrunning officer Zippy Lee: Super Cop extraodinaire.

Pg 52
COLE
I do what I do. I’m a janitor. Many
janitors have families that accept
them--
KATE (O.S.)
I did not marry a janitor. All you
had to do is say ‘no’ to your
brother. That’s all. No. No, Steve.
Repeat after me “No, Steve”. No
twin act.

This is a very real life, painful situation you've brought into your story. Very nice.

Pg 56
Cole notices an OFFICER, who jots something down in a
notebook.

Likely that would be a detective.

Pg 57
Cole nods to him, heads for the bathroom. But the Officer
sprouts in front of him.

Sprouts or sprints? Could go either way.
Hard to tell with creative writing.

Pg 59
COLE
At the end? What end? You’re
kidding, right?
GARRETT
Yeah, I do. It’s twenty first
century. Thumb...

Something's not right with that "Yeah. I do" bit, like you went back and changed one thing but missed that response.

Pg 60
Steve nears Cole. No one can hear them but Steve still uses
his whisper voice to add weight to what he’s about to say:
STEVE
Referee will tell you where. You
get the money and come right back.

You'll need to establish some sort of clothing gimmick or have include Cole's name in that dialog so that the audience will pick up on who's talking to whom.

Also, by now it's obvious that there was some sort of double-triple-cross of a theft of ill gotten betting gains and I don't know how important it will become later, but as it stands, it's not very clear as to whose or what amount of money was stolen or from whom exactly?
I don't know who got stiffed.
I know the police are investigating and I'm pretty sure since it's an illegal activity the front-end theft victim isn't exactly going to go crying to the police.
But someone ought to be VERY POed about being set up and stolen from by the conniving Zalewski Bros. and the Ref.

Pg 61
COLE
Belleview and First.

... a few lines later...
Garrett studies the gadget. He fingers it to enlarge the view
- the dot is moving toward Belleview and 1st.

What's Hoyle's say about using "first" in the dialog but "1st" in the action line?
Does it really matter, or just something to cry about?

Pg 62
OFFICER
Sir, sorry sir, Lee’s blackberry
shows at Beechnut. Steve is 30
miles away from there. As far as we
know he took a trip to Colorado.
Over.

Now... Steve is supposed to be doinked-out in the hospital bed when in fact A: he really is running around for some two-hour snipe hunt to Breckenridge while B: Cole/Steve's bed-ridden impostor is staggering around the city.
Why doesn't Garret tell Officer "Nope. Steve's doinked-out at the hospital." ? Is he in on this ever expanding scope of crooks?

Pg 66
Steve appears from around a corner. He reacts to shooting on
Belleview and First and strides away faster.

WhereTH did Steve come from?
He back from Breckenridge already?
Pg 28 STEVE Two hours there and back... You don’t just want me out of the way, do you?
Pg 29 He regards the wall clock. It’s 3:25.
Pg 61 He glances at the time and winces. It’s 5:15.
Close enough
Steve's return to the city needs some setup or I didn't grasp the "Steve's 30 miles away in Colorado" thing the officer stated just moments ago.

Pg 69 Respectfully, you gotta get rid of that locked hospital room entry door thing  - and - the movie magic scalpel for lock picking purposes. Cole can stab Steve in the thigh with the same ball point pen he wrote "Testing for two hours" with when he escaped the room earlier.

And get rid of any prior cardiac monitoring references.
In this day and age of Blackberries there'd be cardiac monitor alarms ringing off left and right if there was no one attached to them or even if it was turned off.
They are monitored from elsewhere.
It doesn't add anything, so...

Pg 70
STEVE
Come on. You’re still alive?

Several times there have been references to Cole killing himself as part of this nebulous "plan", but the reason for such a definitive solution to an unclear goal escapes me.

STEVE
You know, Cole, it’s not too late.
I give up my life here, you give up
yours. Let’s start again. In
Mexico. We’ll make tons of money on
a twin act. Hell, the knife-game
alone is a gem--

D@mn, Steve. You're just one lazy @ss one trick pony, ain't you? Get a job, you lazy bastard!

Pg 71
Cole makes a note of the pistol dangling around Steve’s
waist.

Ol' Steve is pretty cavalier about his pistol hanging out at the hospital.
Maybe Steve can threateningly flash Cole the otherwise concealed pistol.

Pg 72
Steve darts toward Cole and pushes the pillow on him.
FWIW, try suffocating yourself in a pillow. You can't.
It's one many ridiculous movie magic things everyone does.
How about a plain, good old fashioned choke-your-sibling-to-death?!

Pg 74
A gun fires and the bullet hits her in the chest.
WTH?! Way to go, Cole! Dumb@ss.

Pg 77
Garrett is in no hurry to speak. He looks down, then lifts
his eyes back at Cole.

Nice line.

COLE
I always keep an eye on Steve. You
know, I’m an older brother born
full twenty seconds earlier--

Check and see, but you might wanna change that to just plain old two minutes.

Pg 78
GARRETT
Do it. Do it and you’ll see. Plus
we need to put a stop to it. He’s
in a pact with the Referee.

Referee really does need a legit name at some point.

Pg 87 That's an odd little exchange between Lee and Cole in the way to Garrett. I dunno.

Cole spots the exit sign. Bolts toward it but Lee clutches
his arm.

WTH? I think tht was part of something else that forgot to be cleaned up.

Pg 89
GARRETT
Sure, Captain.
COLE
Captain?
Garrett nods.
GARRETT
Yeah, right. Captain.

Probably need to make Garrett... Major or Deputy inspector, unless Cole is going to be junior Captain to Garrett's senior.
Also, you'll probably need to play up what a monster betting ring all of this brought down with catching/killing the Referee.
Probably ought to make that Referee catch scene from pg 66 more grandiose than "Referee bursts out, a pistol in his hand. A gunshot seizes him, the bullet gets him in the leg. He holds on to the leg and limps further. Hurries back inside the building." followed by pg 68 "GARRETT (V.O.) Think about his next step. No one’s escaped just yet. Congrats on the referee by the way. Over."


Done

Okay! That was a fantastic film noir screenplay!
It ain't my bag, but I recognize that it's really going to be a fun project for some intrepid director to try.
Lotta fun with those sets and camera work.

Yeah, no major re-write. Just clean up on a lot of the weenie details and this baby should be primed.
Make the dollar amount of the betting more apparent.
Really make the scope of this senator ensnaring dragnet obvious at about the half way point.
Establish who stole the money from whom. Someone collected that $4M. Who was it? How come they didn't guard it better.
Make the capture of Referee a bigger cinematic experience than he ran into a building and got caught off screen.
I'm still not clear why Cole had to die as being an important factor in stealing the money or the brother's getting away with it.
And I think Barbara can be either removed entirely or just be Steve's tumultuous on-again-off-again girlfriend to make a nice contrast to the sincere love Cole & Kate have, flawed as it may be.




Revision History (1 edits)
RayW  -  September 15th, 2010, 1:44pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 27 - 28
khamanna
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Thank you so much Ray for the read and detailed notes. I am going to study them and am going to take them close to heart.

Interesting stuff here. All useful!
Thanks!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 28
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006