Quoted from c m hall Regarding "flat" characters -- the instance that comes to mind is where Kevin brings Grace to Mary's house -- Kevin seems (to me) to be amused by the mixed up interchange between Grace and Mary where one might expect him to show more compassion.

Hey Catherine, I'm just asking this because I'm curious about what you think about Kevin.

When you say Kevin should show more compassion, do you mean he should be more tending? Like he should explain the situation to both Grace and Mary? I want to know how you'd go about that scene.

The way I envisioned it is that Kevin is a guy with humor. So I just wanted to take that serious dramatic scene and made it humorous. I guess it backfires?

Thanks for replying my question.

Hi James, thank you very much for reading this, even though you didn't get to finish it.  

Quoted from jwent6688 I'm assuming Kevin is your protag??? Went to page 12. Is still a bit hazey at that point for me.

Can you point out why you think Kevin isn't our protagonist? Is it because the first 6 pages is all about Diane and Pearson? Because after that, Kevin is taking control of the story. He rushing to interrupt the procedure, he talking to his wife, etc.

Do you mean you wanted Kevin to have more screen time for the first 6 pages?

Quoted from jwent6688 The attempted rape scene is the highlight for me thus far. I always feel and opener to a thriller or horror should be jarring. You just barely got me there.

I kinda disagree with you. I don't think most thrillers have a jarring opener. Most of them have a slow build. And because of that, I wrote the rape scene so that I can get rid of the slow build in the first act. However, I couldn't get away with the long setup up until like page 20.

Having said that, I think this is not quite a thriller thriller. More like Sci-Fi Action Thriller.

Hey bert, do you mind adding Sci-Fi and Action in the genre?

Quoted from jwent6688 Not bad opener. As far as I'm going for now. reviewing features is a time consumming bastard for me. Hope this helps some.

I feel sad now because you couldn't make it through my script  

Just kidding. Anyway, can you pinpoint things that made you stop reading? Like is it too slow or just not interesting enough? Or what I had in the first 10 pages didn't let you ask the dramatic question, "What will happen next?"

You definitely helped. I liked the detailed page by page notes.

Thanks again, appreciated it.


Herman

Hey Khama, thanks for the read and review. I just finished with Brian's, I'm going to read yours now.

Quoted from khamanna I really liked your feature. I think it's beautifully crafted and the story makes great sense. The ending is very easy to understand and I would understand it even if I haven't read it since I knew exactly how it would be past page 80 something. Don't know about the plot holes - all of it makes sense to me.

Thanks for the compliment. I always thought it's confusing, maybe it's just me. And trust me, there are glaring plot holes everywhere! If you sit down and think about it, you'll find the inconsistencies.

Uh-oh, you knew exactly how it would be past page 80 something. Isn't that a bad thing?

Quoted from khamanna You’ve got a very interesting story but it’s more a mystery slash comedy rather than a thriller. And maybe mystery and thriller overlap but this doesn’t send chills down my back.

Yeah, you're not the first person saying that. Maybe I should change the genre tag to like Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller.

Quoted from khamanna P9 –I like your story very much. It’s not very thrilling but I don’t mind. Memwipe Inc sheer existence is surreal but it reminds me of Dick Tracey or Mask and in these ‘unbelievable’ is totally believable.

I haven't seen Dick Tracy but I know it's a comic book, right? I've seen the Mask though. Any comparison to them is good because they should be entertaining, no?

Quoted from khamanna P18 Kevin asks Guy about what he did last night – why? You haven’t mentioned the night and how it’s related to Guy gone rogue/having a backstory. – kind of sudden.

Haha....I guess Kevin's dialogue is too cryptic. What happened is that Guy doesn't want Kevin to see his own memory, so Kevin's first thought would be something Guy did last night that he wants no one to see. I'm alluding to sex here, but I guess it didn't work. Let me think of a way to better deliver it.

Quoted from khamanna P34 “he returns to his frantic search” – he just shoved away the mess, you did not mention he started the search. P35 – maybe you could describe what he does instead of just saying “he searches/continues searching”.

Good suggestions.

Quoted from khamanna P38 Kevin and Grace go to that same sedan? If Rob cared to puncture the tires why didn’t he leave half of his people next to the car.  I don’t think they’d go back to the car at all. And I wonder why “Guy is oblivious to what’s going on” – is this a set-up?

There you go. You found a plothole. I should have written that Rob only has Guy and two other Troopers. So Rob and the Troopers go into the house and Guy stays behind in case Kevin came out. Hey! There you go! Guy's outside but he just stayed in the SUV instead of next to Kevin's car.

Quoted from khamanna I’m on page 92 and I just remembered Pearson. Why Kevin gave him the disk with the memory? I see where it’s going (and it’s good I think at this point to know) but I think that you could do without Pearson at all. Plus now Kevin needs another disk and it’s too many he had to find/watch in such a short period of time. Also if it’s just like watching a tape he could have told Grace all of it. I think you could have some kind of device which inserts memories back into brains. That would be faster and more believable I think. Or maybe Pearson would make sense at the end but you stayed away from him for too long.

I don't understand. What do you mean Kevin has too many discs to find and watch? He got Pearson's already, all he wants is Grace's.

I guess to remember back what you have erased. You simply watched the video. I did contemplate about having the technology to put memories back in, but then that'd be really similar to Total Recall and makes the technology really complicated.

I also don't understand why I can get rid of Pearson. He's the key to David's hit and run incident. Without him, Kevin cannot connects all the dots together.

Can you explain it further, thanks.


Herman

[quote=coding]

Hey Catherine, I'm just asking this because I'm curious about what you think about Kevin.

When you say Kevin should show more compassion, do you mean he should be more tending? Like he should explain the situation to both Grace and Mary? I want to know how you'd go about that scene.

The way I envisioned it is that Kevin is a guy with humor. So I just wanted to take that serious dramatic scene and made it humorous. I guess it backfires?" end quote Herman

I can't say if it backfires, you know how you intended the scene to go, I do think that Kevin shows a lack of compassion and caring.  If that's what you intended than you shouldn't change a thing.
CMH

About getting rid of Pearson - I'm not asking you just to scratch him, I'm asking if there's a way to rework the story, I'm thinking he's an auxiliary character but carries quite a weight... Just a thing to consider, think if there's a way to rework the story and then if it would better your story. As I remember at the beginning you almost opened on Pearson, I even thought he's your main man.

About mystery/thriller - your script is a thriller, but the first twenty pages are slow for a thriller perhaps. And maybe that's why people complain. Still it may work... see what the others say.

p38 - you call it plot hole but it's not, there are ways to rework that bit, it's no big deal at all.

But there's a plot hole in the story (I think and that maybe just me) - Lambert thinking that Grace would never come to her senses and counting on that. This is weak for me.

Enjoyed it. Thanks.

Hey Herman, I’m taking notes as I go. I am not bringing up every little thing I see, as there are many grammar issues, typos, tense problems, etc.  I’m trying to point out things that I feel will help you going forward. Some may seem nit-picky (and some are), but if you embrace what I’m saying, I really think it will help.

I’m out of room for the first post, and up to page 45.  I’ll finish up these notes later and then come back with an overall assessment for you. Hope this helps.

Page 1 – “inaudible” – means unable to be heard, so I don’t think you want this in your first line, as the chatter is definitely not “inaudible”.

No women in here?

“Except for one: PEARSON HAMILTON. Thirties, tired around the eyes. He loosens his tie and downs an expensive Scotch.” – OK, listen, this may “read” well, but does it really work or make sense?  I don’t think so.  Check it out…First of all, you’re saying that every single person in the bar is talking and mingling with other people except this guy, which makes him out to be “different”, a loner, something he’s probably not.  Using periods instead of commas doesn’t work for me either in your description.  And finally, the description “expensive scotch” is an unfilmable, you know, right?  Unless “we see” a sign in the glass that says, “expensive scotch”, or “we see” the bartender pouring an expensive scotch into his glass, we don’t know what he’s drinking.  We can guess it’s scotch, but no way can or should we assume it’s expensive.  I don’t want to be a prick here, but I do want to make some points about writing.  Just some things to think about.

Your description of Kevin runs 4 lines.  That’s OK, but it’s a bit much, IMO, unless these details come into play in your story.

Page 3 – OK, your new SLUG doesn’t work.  You label it “EXT. BAR” but your first line says he runs across the street to an SUV.  Needs to be changed.

What is a “Memwipe SUV”?

Takes off his suit?  HUH?  You mean his jacket?

“At the front…” – What does this mean?

“But Plan A ain’t working since.” – HUH?  What is “since” doing in this question?

Page 4 – “They just exit the back door.” – “exited” if anything, but it doesn’t sound right…or normal.

“scatter” – “scattered”

This scene doesn’t make sense.  In the prior scene, they said they just exited the back door.  Then, in the following scene, you have them actually exiting the back door.  I’d lose the stuff about “he’s having fun. He just exited the back door”, as it doesn’t go anywhere, mean anything, and screws up this scene.

Page 5 – “Taser” – “TASER”

“Diane slides her body.” – HUH?  What does this mean?

Page 6 – How come these guys keep getting naked, taking off their suits?  You must mean suit jacket, right?

GENERAL NOTE – Watch your passive writing.  Lots and lots of “ing” verbs on display.

Page 8 – “This thought hits him like a thunderbolt.” – This is a really bad, cheesy aside that shouldn’t be here.  I’ve actually noticed a few of these but held off bringing it up.  I can’t stop myself any longer.  IMO, this kind of stuff can be a script killer, and can cause a reader to literally stop the read on sight.  Even worse, we don’t even know who you’re referring to, because you use “him”, and it’s not clear (to me) if it’s Rob or Kevin.

“equipments” – “equipment’s”

What happened to Kevin’s face that is making him about to explode?  Like literally, explode?  What am I missing here?

Page  9 –“Can’t” – “Can”

Page 12 – “stuffs” – “stuff”

GENERAL NOTE – I’m pretty lost as to what is supposed to going on…and why.  I also do not buy the conversation between Lambert and Kevin.  It just doesn’t sound real, or in the tone Kevin would speak to whom I believe to be the “big boss”.

Page 13 – Numerous mistakes in Lambert’s last speech.

Page 14 – “It’s just you and me here.” – HUH?  WTF does this mean?  There’s a bunch of other people that we’ve already seen and I’d have to imagine there’s a ton more in a huge building, running a company like this…right?  Or am I really confused?

Much of the dialogue here just doesn’t sound remotely realistic.  It’s full of exposition that isn’t getting across well.

Page 15 – OK, Herman, I saw on another post where you asked if someone could clarify passive verbiage for you.  Here’s a perfect example.  “Guy is carrying a digital camera and a notepad.” – This is passive because you have “is carrying”.  Scripts should not be passive.  This line should read, “Guy carries a digital camera and a notepad,”  - BUT, let’s look at the line in front of it as well, and do even more modification to this line.

“Kevin turns to see Guy running towards him. Guy is carrying a digital camera and a notepad.” – I’d rewrite these lines something like this – “Kevin turns, as Guy runs towards him.” – I read forward and see that the camera and notepad have absolutely nothing to do with anything.  Guy does get his camera confiscated, but it doesn’t come back into play, so why bring it up?

Page 15-19 – I’ve got a lot of questions in this part.  First of all, what in the world was Guy doing working on Pearson, when he has no clue what the company even does, and appears to be a brand new employee?  Makes ZERO sense.  This whole scene here is pretty much all exposition and for me, it comes off very clumsy and unrealistic.  It really takes away from what you’re trying to set up, which is a believable entity such as Memwipe.

Page 19 – No reason to have the answering machine state, “You have 3 messages.” – skip it.  Just go into the actual messages.  No reason, IMO, to use a wrylie “filtered” for the actual messages. And, it’s “V.O.”, not “O.S.”, or as you have it, “O.C.”.

So, you’re basically saying that Kevin is a pig with empty beer cans and multiple pizza boxes laying around – is that really the description you want us to have of him?

Page 20 – same deal with the answering machine saying, “Next message.” – Just skip this stuff, it’s a total waste of lines.

Page 21 – “DINNING ROOM” – “DINING ROOM”

“scatter” – “scattered”

“You’re the one who needs someone to care of.” – Missing a word or something...it doesn’t read correctly.

Page 22 – This scene doesn’t play out well.  Doesn’t come off as real.  He just drops the Popsicles on the floor?

When you have a sound effect, like “RING” or whatever, give it its own line. Make it stand out.

Who is James?  Did I forget him, or is this is first intro?  I don’t know…

Page 23 – This scene doesn’t seem real again.  Feels forced, fake for some reason.

GENERAL NOTE – The pace has really slowed down.  Things have a very “small” feel to them now.  We’ve been in Memwipe for the vast majority of the time now, and it just has a small, claustrophobic feel to it, which doesn’t bode well for a thriller like this.

Page 25 – “I’ve something to tell you…” – You’ve used “I’ve” like this a few times now.  It’s not correct, reads oddly, and would sound even odder.  Should be something like, “I’ve got something to tell you...”  I’d run a search for each “I’ve” in your script and check them all out.

Page 26 – Diane says “Were.” – I’d recommend her saying, “Were married.” – It has more umph, IMO.

GENERAL NOTE – I understand what you’re going for here, but it’s not making sense to me.  Everyone, except Kevin and Grace seem to be bad guys (and Guy seems like an idiot).  There doesn’t seem to be any “real world” outside of Memwipe.  No cops, no lives, no nothing.  It sounds like they’re about to fuck up Grace even more than she already is, and if Kevin lets this happen, the story’s over, as far as I’m concerned as a reader.  Let’s see where it goes and how it plays out.  EDIT – OK, at least Kevin saved her, but the scenes just don’t come off realistically.

Page 27 – “Rob orders him.” – bad line…lose it!

Page 28 – “…prevent her to move” – awkward and incorrectly written.  “…prevent her from moving.”

Page 31 – OK, so Lambert lets Kevin and Grace run off…why?  If he’s going to be following them anyway, why let them leave?  Makes ZERO sense.

Page 32 – “honk” – “honks”

Page 35 – So Rob is also some kind of evil enforcer dude?

“Rob sees three unmarked doors. All having a crack opened.” – Hmmm, I would hope they’re not marked, it’s a frickin’ house!  Why would they be marked or labeled?  Also, the 2nd sentence, reads awkwardly, try this, “Three doors, all opened a crack.”

Page 36 – Doesn’t Rob see there’s a balcony outside?  He should stick to doing mind erasures instead of being an enforcer thug type.

Page 37 – I am adamantly opposed to using exclamation marks in description/action lines, unless really warranted – here, they are definitely not!

What “wire”  Have we been intro’d to such a wire yet?  I don’t think so, but could be wrong.

“Rob’s looking into the shower stall.” – Another perfect example of a passive sentence that can so easily be converted – “Rob looks into the shower stall.”

“In the background…” – I think you mean, “outside the window”, right?

The wire breaks?  HUH?  What kind of wire just breaks off?  I don’t buy it at all.

Page 39 – This entire scene reads just awful, sorry to say.  Confusing, poorly worded, unrealistic.

A Trooper?  HUH?

“Why can’t we take the car?” – What car?  The one they just left with slashed tires?  HUH?

Page 43 – GENERAL NOTE - Herman, listen, man, I’m sorry to say this, but your action scenes need a lot of attention.  They’re poorly written, confusing, not visual, not properly set up.  I’m really not sure how to say all this, so I’m just trying to be honest and give you my opinion.

GENERAL NOTE – As I mentioned earlier – page 31 – there’s just no plausible reason that Lambert let them go in the first place, if he merely sent out this “Troop” to get them.  The last 12 pages of this chase, although the most exciting part of the script so far, is totally unnecessary. ..as in, it wouldn’t/shouldn’t happen.  Why make things difficult on themselves right off the bat?  They had them at the building.  They should have had them before their car left the garage.  Argh…

Page 44 – “opens and closes” – “open and close”

Page 45 – Oh boy…again, Rob proves he’s a complete fucking idiot!  C’mon, how could he not see them on the train?  I don’t buy it, which means I don’t buy the entire scene at all, and I’ve completely lost faith in the reality of what’s going on.

TO BE CONTINUED…

For seven weeks I think you did a smash-up job.   This script sits on a strong structure.  Overall, I really liked it and I think with some spit and polish it could be an excellent script.

Spit and polish

Characters were not interesting enough.  I just didn't care about them.  Like James I was going to put this script down in the beginning and the reason.  I couldn't tell who the protag was going to be and I didn't really care for any of the characters.  I realise after reading that you probably intended the rape scene to be part of your theme which was without good and bad memories one can't distinguish right from wrong but I have to tell you that scene just makes everyone unlikable.

I need to care a bit more about Kevin and Grace, either like them and relate to them or otherwise be so fascinated with them that I want to know what they're going to do next, you need to make them more interesting somehow.

I think a pre-scene at the beginning might help a bit in getting people through it.  Kevin, Grace and Lambert back in a better day, before all of this happened  or maybe just when it happened, without showing what happened of course.

Also this Pearson guy has a silly name.  Personally, I would change it because it ruins the tone of the beginning.  And speaking of names, the name GUY didn't really work for me because I kept thinking it was generic.  This could be just me but I found it confusing.  

There's a scene with GUY and LAMBERT toward the end with a ringtone involved that I don't think you really need and it was clumsy too.  So clumsy that I remember it after reading this hours ago.  I would fold the suspicion into another scene.

Lastly, there's the dialogue.  While it was sufficient and it carried the story along, I think it could have been a lot better.  Give your dialogue a bit more life.  I know that's kind of a general thing but I can't think of a single piece of dialogue that stood out in this script as excellent.  

If I think of anything else I'll let you know.  


Michael

EDIT:  One other thing was that I found the use of Troop and Troopers a bit distracting because they weren't good guys and generally I associate that word with people on the side of the law.  Personally, I would look for another word to describe them like Goons.  

  

Quoted from Coding Herman Can you point out why you think Kevin isn't our protagonist? Is it because the first 6 pages is all about Diane and Pearson?

Then Diane wiping his wifes arms also after relieving him. I admit, I didn't read your logline. I rarely do. With that in mind, I could't gather whether it was Diane or Kevin at 12 pages.

Quoted from Coding Herman I kinda disagree with you. I don't think most thrillers have a jarring opener. Most of them have a slow build. And because of that, I wrote the rape scene so that I can get rid of the slow build in the first act.

That made no sense to me. I say a good thriller/horror needs a jarring opening. You disagree. Then say you wrote the rape scene to avoid the slow build?????

Here's an opener to an action thriller... A running back runs down the filed. Gets nailed. HALFTIME. A phone conversation says he must win. He snorts coke. ON FIELD. When unable to break tackles he pulls a gun. shoots contenders. Then himself. "Ain't life a bitch" - JARRING...

After a couple of kids throw a dead squirrel on Bruce Willis' drunken ass, we go home to find BW's wife cheating on him...
Our protag and pretty cool.

I love openings that don't involve any of the meaningful characters to set a tone. But the first important character you introduce should be your protag. Just my taste. Not a rule.

BW in Sixth Sense... Introduced right off. Shot. - Jarring

BW in Unbreakable... After a baby in a dept. store is born with it's legs broken (jarring) He's introduced talking to a woman on a train that wants nothing to do with him. Then survives the crash.

BW in Pulp Fiction???? Cannot even begin to understand the depths of QT. But he can break these ideas and make them work.

Always, just my opinion.

James

Hey Jeff, I was waiting for the ass whipping. Finally you got to me.

First of all, thanks for reading my script and congratulations on finishing the 7WC.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 1 – “inaudible” – means unable to be heard, so I don’t think you want this in your first line, as the chatter is definitely not “inaudible”.

I forgot what that word is that describes you can hear the chatter but you don't know what they're talking about. Or is it simply just "chatter"?

Quoted from Dreamscale “Except for one: PEARSON HAMILTON. Thirties, tired around the eyes. He loosens his tie and downs an expensive Scotch.” – OK, listen, this may “read” well, but does it really work or make sense?  I don’t think so.  Check it out…First of all, you’re saying that every single person in the bar is talking and mingling with other people except this guy, which makes him out to be “different”, a loner, something he’s probably not.

Um....actually, he is. I want him to be alone so that Kevin can easily approach him and talk to him.

Quoted from Dreamscale Using periods instead of commas doesn’t work for me either in your description.

Which period and commas are you talking about? The period after PEARSON HAMILTON? Why doesn't it work?

Quoted from Dreamscale And finally, the description “expensive scotch” is an unfilmable.

Yup, thanks for pointing that out. I guess I'll change that to just "drink". I added expensive just to hint that Pearson is rich, but I guess it didn't work out. Maybe Pearson sitting in this upscale and elegant bar already shows that he's rich.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 3 – OK, your new SLUG doesn’t work.  You label it “EXT. BAR” but your first line says he runs across the street to an SUV.  Needs to be changed.

I don't get it. He is outside the bar, running towards the SUV. But he's not in the SUV yet. He's still outside the SUV talking to James. The audience sees James from outside of the SUV. So is it correct to use EXT. BAR?

Quoted from Dreamscale Takes off his suit?  HUH?  You mean his jacket?

Oops...that's right. I always confused suit with jacket. I always thought suit is just the jacket.

Quoted from Dreamscale “At the front…” – What does this mean?

You know the place in your car where the stereo system, fan and A/C controls, and other buttons are? How do I describe it?

Quoted from Dreamscale “But Plan A ain’t working since.” – HUH?  What is “since” doing in this question?

The "since" is "since people knew about the problems Memwipe has". I wanted to write down the entire sentence but then it just sounds unnatural. If I dropped the "since", will people understand what Jame's referring to? I don't know.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 4 – “They just exit the back door.” – “exited” if anything, but it doesn’t sound right…or normal.

My bad. "They just exited through the back door." How's that?

Quoted from Dreamscale This scene doesn’t make sense.  In the prior scene, they said they just exited the back door.  Then, in the following scene, you have them actually exiting the back door.

  

Oh, com'on! Is not entirely chronologically linear. I'm just showing a few seconds before they exited from the back door and before James telling Kevin about that.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 8 – “This thought hits him like a thunderbolt.” – This is a really bad, cheesy aside that shouldn’t be here. Even worse, we don’t even know who you’re referring to, because you use “him”, and it’s not clear (to me) if it’s Rob or Kevin.

What I planned to do here is that Kevin suddenly realizes what Rob's trying to do. So it's like a eureka moment for Kevin. Is there a better way to write it? Or should I just leave it out and the readers will know what's going on?

I don't understand why the "him" is not clear. Kevin is the last person who speaks, and this sentence comes right after, so it must refer to that person. Right?

Quoted from Dreamscale What happened to Kevin’s face that is making him about to explode?  Like literally, explode?  What am I missing here?

Nooooo......Kevin's just angry. Man, my descriptions are failing miserably.

Quoted from Dreamscale GENERAL NOTE – I’m pretty lost as to what is supposed to going on…and why.  I also do not buy the conversation between Lambert and Kevin.  It just doesn’t sound real, or in the tone Kevin would speak to whom I believe to be the “big boss”.

Do you mean that you don't understand how all these events come together? Like what is the purpose and the big picture?

I got other responses saying what Memwipe does is not clear enough. I should've start my story earlier to show what the company usually does. Maybe that'll help you understand more.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 14 – “It’s just you and me here.” – HUH?  WTF does this mean?  There’s a bunch of other people that we’ve already seen and I’d have to imagine there’s a ton more in a huge building, running a company like this…right?  Or am I really confused?

Hahaha....Yes, you are confused. It's just Lambert and Kevin in Lambert's Office. No one else. So Lambert is trying to lure Kevin to say what's on his mind. I guess that piece of dialogue is not clear enough.

Quoted from Dreamscale “Kevin turns to see Guy running towards him. Guy is carrying a digital camera and a notepad.” – I’d rewrite these lines something like this – “Kevin turns, as Guy runs towards him.” – I read forward and see that the camera and notepad have absolutely nothing to do with anything.  Guy does get his camera confiscated, but it doesn’t come back into play, so why bring it up?

Thanks for the clarification. But I do see "ing" verbs in scripts, so when is it okay to use them?

Damnit. I need to get rid of the camera and notepad when I do my rewrite. I had Guy to be something in my mind but then I changed it completely in my third act. Now his camera and notepad don't make any sense.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 15-19 – First of all, what in the world was Guy doing working on Pearson, when he has no clue what the company even does, and appears to be a brand new employee?  Makes ZERO sense.

I don't understand how it makes no sense. He's a brand new technician under Rob's team at Memwipe. He knows how to work the panels but just hasn't visited the Memory Archive yet.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 19 – No reason to have the answering machine state, “You have 3 messages.” – skip it.  Just go into the actual messages.  No reason, IMO, to use a wrylie “filtered” for the actual messages. And, it’s “V.O.”, not “O.S.”, or as you have it, “O.C.”.

Yup, I agree with you on this one. Thanks for pointing that out.

Quoted from Dreamscale Who is James?  Did I forget him, or is this is first intro?  I don’t know…

Yup, you forgot about him. James was the guy in the SUV on page 2. And I know why you forgot about him because he wasn't doing anything for several pages already. I'll try to find a way to get rid of him or have him to do more things.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 23 – This scene doesn’t seem real again.  Feels forced, fake for some reason.

Care to explain why? Is it because of Lambert's reaction?

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 25 – “I’ve something to tell you…” – You’ve used “I’ve” like this a few times now.  It’s not correct, reads oddly, and would sound even odder.  Should be something like, “I’ve got something to tell you...”

When can I use "I've" and when should I use "I have"?

Quoted from Dreamscale Everyone, except Kevin and Grace seem to be bad guys (and Guy seems like an idiot).  There doesn’t seem to be any “real world” outside of Memwipe.

There is a real world outside of Memwipe. Is it because all I've shown is inside Memwipe that makes you think this way? But then the problem is the real world doesn't affect the story yet. I did allude to reporters trying to dig things up about the company, so that's something outside of Memwipe.

Do you mean you want some scenes that set outside of Memwipe? Let me think about it. In these pages, I'm still setting up what Memwipe actually is, so it might be hard not to take place inside the company.

And if I do show the real world right now, they'll be superfluous because they won't move the story forward at this point.

I'm just curious about what "real world" you're referring to. Can you please clarify?

Quoted from Dreamscale It sounds like they’re about to fuck up Grace even more than she already is, and if Kevin lets this happen, the story’s over, as far as I’m concerned as a reader. OK, at least Kevin saved her, but the scenes just don’t come off realistically.

So I guess I made you concerned about Grace's fate? I'll take that as a good thing.

Again, what do you mean by "unrealistically"? Like the characters don't have enough motivations to do things? Or characters are doing things that don't seem proper in those situations? Can you list examples?

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 31 – OK, so Lambert lets Kevin and Grace run off…why?  If he’s going to be following them anyway, why let them leave?  Makes ZERO sense.

I'll have to sneak in a piece of dialogue. Lambert doesn't want his people chasing Kevin in broad daylight. Lambert wants to keep this under wraps and takes action after knowing where Kevin is. Does it make sense? Or no?

Quoted from Dreamscale What “wire”  Have we been intro’d to such a wire yet?  I don’t think so, but could be wrong.

The wire's been introduced on page 34. "Kevin fishes out his memory projector. A long wire tangled around it." Maybe I didn't make it stand out enough?

Quoted from Dreamscale The wire breaks?  HUH?  What kind of wire just breaks off?  I don’t buy it at all.

Yeah, the wire breaks off from the projector. When you dangle a headphone by the wire for many times or for too long, the wire just breaks off. Does it make sense?

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 39 – This entire scene reads just awful, sorry to say.  Confusing, poorly worded, unrealistic.

Just a writer, we obviously want the scene to be as clear as possible. And I wrote it and reread it a couple of times to ensure that. Of course, it only reads and sounds clear to me.

So can you please give examples as to what is "confusing" and "unrealistic"?

Quoted from Dreamscale “Why can’t we take the car?” – What car?  The one they just left with slashed tires?  HUH?

Noooo......Jeff, what were you reading? The previous scene has Kevin and Grace escaped by driving the Memwipe SUV. And this scene it says they parked the SUV by a meter. So the "car" must be referring to the SUV? No?

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 43 – GENERAL NOTE - Herman, listen, man, I’m sorry to say this, but your action scenes need a lot of attention.  They’re poorly written, confusing, not visual, not properly set up.  I’m really not sure how to say all this, so I’m just trying to be honest and give you my opinion.

All opinions are welcomed. I just need to know what are "confusing, not visual, not properly setup" so that I can change it. I just reread it and of course it's clear to me, so I need to make sure what's not clear to others.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 45 – Oh boy…again, Rob proves he’s a complete fucking idiot!  C’mon, how could he not see them on the train?  I don’t buy it, which means I don’t buy the entire scene at all, and I’ve completely lost faith in the reality of what’s going on.

At what instance do you think Rob should see them? Please clarify. Is it when Kevin and Grace at the front of the train, so is it when they stand by the door as Rob is on the platform?

I'm pretty sure in a semi-packed subway car, you can't see the front of the train when you're at the back.

Once again, I really appreciate you took so detailed notes, and I'm looking forward to reading your reply.

Herman, I will try and answer your questions, explain my issues better, and provide more detail, before I move onto the 2nd part of the read and review.

This post is in response to your post of 10:41 PM, 9/8.

I think it’s actually the opposite of what you used…audible chatter, but chatter is also fine.

OK, so you’re literally saying that every single person in this bar is mingling and engaging in conversation except for Pearson?  My point here is to say what you mean, and mean what you say.  There’s no reason that I can come up with that Pearson would be the only one not saying a word and by himself.  It doesn’t matter what he’s doing, actually, cause Kevin is going to talk to him no matter what.  And considering that Pearson hasn’t resurfaced with any character description through page 45, as I mentioned, whether or not he’s a loner, doesn’t matter.  No big deal, I was just trying to point out that sometimes, when you try and be “smart” with your prose, it ends up being the opposite.

Yes, the period after his name.  When you’re giving an intro description, just use a comma and make it into an actual sentence, telling us something about the character.  Like this (for example), “PEARSON HAMILTON, thirties, tired around the eyes, loosens his tie and downs a scotch.”

There’s really nothing wrong with the word "expensive", as long as you “show” it at some point (soon).  Again, I am merely trying to point you I the right direction and keep you away from pitfalls that line the road.  It’s easy to get stuck in these ruts – if you steer clear of them early on, you’ll never worry about them down the road.

He’s across the street from the bar, so my point is that the SLUG is not accurate.  You may or may not know that I am a real stickler when it comes to SLUGS.  I feel they are such a great opportunity to offer any and all the information you can to your readers (as well as potential filmers).  Since we don’t have the luxury of visuals in a script, SLUGS offer information that hopefully makes up for the lack of visuals a bit…or at least, they can.  Personally, I’d just lose that entire scene and start with him climbing into the SUV.

“At the front” is very awkward and confusing.  You want to be visual in your descriptions, and if nothing else, you want your readers to know exactly what you’re talking about and not have to pause for even a second to try and picture something.

The line doesn’t read naturally the way you have it.  I don’t know how it would read with more info, but I do believe you need to find a way to give a lot more info about Memwipe.  I’m still clueless up to page 45 about the company’s past legal dealings, public perception, etc.  It all needs to come out and made clear very early on, as it’s really the crux of this story.

Why would you want this to not be chronologically linear?  It makes no sense.

Responses to your post on 11:12, 09/8.

What is Rob trying to do?  Do we know what Rob is trying to do?  I have no clue, actually.  The point I was making is twofold…1)  the phrase “hits like a thunderbolt” (or anything like it) is a cheesy aside.  IMO, you should stay FAR away from cheesy asides.  2)  “him” is not clear (to me) because I don’t understand what anyone is realizing all of a sudden.  Yes, it is apparent, since Kevin spoke last, but it’s just a really bad line, IMO.  In a way, Kevin’s dialogue on the prior line is exposition.  In a way, it’s unrealistic for someone to blurt this out.  In a way, it’s just kind of dumb to me.

Herman, again, I was trying to make a point here with the line about his head exploding.  Be careful how you phrase things.  Write descriptively in a way that can transfer to film…in a way that when read, the reader instantly gets a visual of what you’re trying to convey.  In this scene, you’ve got a lot going on and IMO, it’s actually possible that someone’s head is about to explode, so it made me stop, and reread, just to make sure I wasn’t missing something.

My GENERAL NOTE pertains to the fact that since I know almost nothing about Memwipe, and the roles of every character intro’d, it’s tough to get a feel for what’s happening, why, and why I should care.  I would definitely agree you need to make it clear (clear isn’t really the right word, either) what Memwipe does, what has gone on there, etc.

I think it’s more than just the dialogue not being clear. It’s more of an unrealistic feel, based on this dialogue exchange, as well as the entire setup.

Herman, here’s the deal on “ing” verbs, or passive writing, what I refer to as passive verbiage.  You will see all sorts of things in scripts, be they Pro scripts, or any level below that.  There are certain things that you want to do and certain things you don’t want to do.  It doesn’t matter if you see it in Pro scripts…if you shouldn’t do it, don’t do it.  If you saw Peyton Manning close his eyes every time he threw a pass, and you were an aspiring Quarterback, would you do the same?  Of course you wouldn’t.  There are times when using a verb ending in “ing” is perfectly acceptable, but not when it’s your main verb, so basically, every time you see a sentence with passive verbiage, ask yourself a question, “Can I replace the “is (verb)ing” with just the verb

No big deal on the camera and notepad.  I was merely trying to simplify the example and I didn’t see where it came into play, this it’s probably not necessary.

It comes off like Guy doesn’t know anything at all about the company, or eve what he’s doing there.  This sounds like high tech stuff to me.  Why would they have some 20 something kid running a memory erasure procedure?  It’s downright crazy, if you ask me.  How would one “know how to run the panels” but doesn’t even seem to now what goes on at the company?  On page 15, Guy goes with Kevin to learn how things work, and he even says it’s “Orientation Week”, and talks about what he’s supposed to know based on the “Employee Handbook”.  All this kind of stuff comes way before someone starts actually working, and WAY WAY before they do something that could be potentially dangerous to anyone.  It’s basically a huge red flag that says this is far from realistic.

No big deal on the answering machine thing.  It’s just another way to save space, and at 114 pages, it’s something to think about.

Quoted from Coding Herman The first thing I want is to be entertaining. The second thing is having the audience rooting for the characters. Is Kevin relatable and likable to you? Is his inner flaw substantial enough? Did he transform in a reasonable way? There are actually some major plot holes the size of (borrowed from Pia here) lunar craters. So I was quite relieved that you didn't really notice them. Or maybe you did but didn't say anything about them.

I've been reading through the comments and noticed I missed a few questions you had. Sorry about that.

I liked Kevin and I thought his character worked well enough. He certainly did everything in his power to help Grace and I could relate to that. The problems I found were with Guy. Like I said, He's not as developed and I'd like to find out a little more about him. The end twist with him came right out of the blue and during the script, I can't really remember any moments when he ACTED like an undercover cop (like when he ran away from Rob after using the laptop in the toilet... and undercover cop would have stood their ground).

Once everyone has read this and had their say, I'd love to know what the major plot holes were. I'm terrible at spotting some things, even when they are right in front of my eyes.

Hey Brian, no need to apologize. Appreciate your reply.

It's good that you think Kevin is likable enough. Unfortunately, it's not enough for other people. So I actually planned to start my story when everything is still okay and showed what Kevin usually does in Memwipe.

That way I can achieve two things: make the audience care more about Kevin, and showed the audience what is going on within Memwipe.

I definitely agreed with the character Guy. At first I had him as an undercover reporter where his job is to dig up shits in Memwipe. So maybe I'll go back to that. And I'll actually play up his role more instead of making him look like an idiot. (Jeff thinks he's an idiot...hahaha)

Funny. Right before I submitted it, I could think of a lot of plot holes, but now I forgot most of them. Don't worry, Jeff had already discovered several. More to come.

Herman