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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Memwipe - 7WC Moderators: bert
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  Author    Memwipe - 7WC  (currently 9687 views)
Coding Herman
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Craiger6
PROS:

“The feeling of knowing something’s happened to you, but not remembering anything about it. It’s worse than knowing the truth.”

This quote from the script appears to be the major theme of the story, and I think that it is a very interesting concept.  On more than one occasion while reading, various things that have happened to me popped into my head and I found myself going back and forth on this whole idea.  In the end, I think I would agree with the quote above.


Yay! Finally, you're the first one who can pinpoint this dialogue as the major theme. Others got the theme all right, but didn't state this quote.  Another thing I want to bring out is if it's better to forget the bad things that's happened to you and just remember the good things. I guess this, too, links back to that piece of dialogue.


Quoted from Craiger6
If I recall, this line was towards the backend of your script.  For what it is worth, I think I would try and move it up somewhere earlier in the script.


I'm not too sure about this. It's quite hard to bring out the theme before the midpoint. I need to dramatize a lot of things first before the theme makes sense. Stating it in Act I would sound silly, maybe somewhere in the first half of Act II would work.


Quoted from Craiger6
Action Scenes

I thought your action scenes were terrific, particularly your first one.  In fact, as I said earlier, this is where the script really took off for me.  As I also noted within the page by page notes, I think you have a nice knack for upping the ante just when the reader thinks all is well.  As someone who struggles with that same thing, I’m envious.


Which "first one" did you think is terrific? Is it the attempt rape or the climbing on the roof scene?

It's not as hard as it seems to up the ante. Just brainstorm whatever that could go wrong to your characters and pick out the ones that you like.

I'm envious of your writing style, btw.


Quoted from Craiger6
CONS:

We never see Memwipe take it too the next level.  Meaning, I got the impression that they were this evil corporation, but they never actually went that extra mile to protect themselves.  Okay, so they abduct Pearson in the first scene, but I think you need to put in a murder early on, probably by Rob, that shows us that they mean business, and aren’t to be trifled with.


Good idea! I'm thinking about putting Rob as one of the PMCs who uses brute force whenever possible. The PMCs is the means of protecting themselves.

I might also need to blame Kevin on something so Rob needs to fulfill his duty to catch him.

Some reviewers think Memwipe should be some kind of secret government agency. Hey, maybe it is and is funded by the government all along. The government can use the technology whenever they see fit. That's where the funding for PMCs come from.  


Quoted from Craiger6
Kevin/Grace relationship

I’m not sure I would out and out, qualify this as a “Con”, but I do think that you need to re-visit the relationship in your re-write.  As I mentioned in the page by page notes, at times I was indifferent to Grace’s plight because she was acting like a child.  

Granted, she’s been through a lot, but I think you need to make her a more dynamic character in your re-write.  As currently constituted, she comes off as a character that is simply reacting to her surroundings.  Make her more pro-active.


I focused too much on Kevin because he's our true protagonist. I gave everything for him to do, and I neglect my second protagonist, Grace.

It's always hard to balance this out. If I give Grace too much to do, then Kevin would seem not as active. How about this? Grace did something in order for Kevin to achieve his main goal. That way it wouldn't seem disjointed as both characters seem to be doing different things.


Quoted from Craiger6
Names

So, I tend to have a problem with choosing names for characters as well.  I guess it doesn’t matter much, but the names you chose for you characters seemed kind of pedestrian for me (no offense to anyone named Rob or Kevin, but they didn’t necessarily work for me in this instance).  We have Kevin, Rob, and James in the first few pages.  In fact, I found it a bit distracting when you had Kevin and James talking to each other.  It may just be me, but I kept thinking of the King of Queens.  Not sure if you are using FD, but if so, they have a name database.


I don't really get this. They are just normal people, why would they have some exotic names?


Quoted from Craiger6
At the outset, I need more background on the conflict between Rob and Kevin.  I glean that they are probably competitors at work, but their also seems to be something more personal going on, but I don’t think that it ever really shows up.


As I have stated in the previous post, there's a backstory between them but didn't make it on the page. I'll think of something that's more substantial because you're right, Rob doesn't need to be that desperate, he's just another memory erasure specialist.


Quoted from Craiger6
Well, as I said in the beginning, I thought this was a terrific effort, and you should be very proud of your accomplishment.  I really enjoyed the story, and think that you should definitely not give up on this one.  I hope that some of this can be a help to you.


I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Your comments definitely help with my re-writes. I already have lots of ideas to add to the story.


Once again, thank you. And don't hesitate to contact me if you want a read.

Lastly, do you mind reading the re-write in the future?


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I understand but the correct way is "TASER" - all capped.  It's a brand name, and it actually is an acronym for a fictional weapon called the "Thomas A. Swift's Electric Rifle".


Wow, I never knew this! I always thought it's just some random name the company puts out.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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HaHa...no, TASER is the manufacturer.  Just go to their web site and  check it out.  If you're using these things in your script, you should know how they work, what they really do, etc.
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
HaHa...no, TASER is the manufacturer.  Just go to their web site and  check it out.  If you're using these things in your script, you should know how they work, what they really do, etc.


I used wiki when I researched about Taser. I know it might not be the most accurate, but it gives me the info I need quick and fast.

I only looked at how it is used and the effects it has. I skipped the Etymology part.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Atlas
Posted: September 5th, 2011, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Herman, others have commented on some of the strange/awkward phrasing and this is a first draft and hastily-written to boot, so I'm going to give some structural suggestions instead. I haven't read past page 32 so please excuse it if I missed something important.

The reason the first act feels long is that the inciting incident (which seems to be Grace waking up) doesn't happen until page 22. Move that up to 10-15 and get into the story sooner.

For example, you could do it like this:

1-15 Introduce characters. Have Kevin explain how Memwiping works to Guy using metaphors.

15 Wake Grace.

15-25 Explore how Grace's presence changes things.

25-30 Grace is wiped.

Usually I would say don't put the inciting incident later than page 12 but you have some potentially interesting scenes describing and demonstrating memwiping.

Turn Guy into more of a naif about Memwipe so you explain things to the audience through him more explicitly, like Witwer in Minority Report.

The way you portray Kevin's home life seems a bit cliche to me. It reminds me of Riggs in Lethal Weapon, and that came out in 1987. Try to find a fresher way to do it--maybe his apartment is as empty and austere as his life without Grace in it.

Have Kevin get the news about Grace right after reluctantly agreeing to a date with Diane, i.e. just when he's ready to move on.

The reason you're getting reports of protagonist confusion is the way you introduce Pearson Hamilton--he's a guy with a problem, which screams "protagonist." He's also the first person we meet. Start on Kevin, then have him meet Pearson. Starting on Pearson kind of makes Kevin feel like the inciting incident in Pearson's story.

Speaking of Peason, I'm not sure what his importance is after page 30 but if you have him die during the procedure (around page eight) it would help establish the stakes for when they do the same to Grace.

Describe the memory projector more clearly the first time it appears. Also come up with a clever acronym instead of "memory projector" if you can.

Someone else mentioned a few movies they found this similar to, and you seemed to find it helpful. Here's what I thought of:

Minority Report
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Total Recall

Revision History (1 edits)
Atlas  -  September 5th, 2011, 7:39pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 5th, 2011, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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Atlas, this is much better feedback than you've given anyone to date and has a much 'softer" feel to it, meaning, much easier to take as constructive criticism, aimed to help the writer.

Problem is that this thread is almost a year old and Herman hasn't been on the boards since February.

You can read and comment on anything you want, obviously, but I'm pretty sure your feedback is falling on deaf ears, unless 'someone" notifies Herman, and tells him to respond, to make my post seem A-Holish (you know who you are, "someone").
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