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Lapse - 7WC by Ray - Thriller - FBI agent Elliot fights the Mexican drug cartel and American mafia to save the life of an informant to uncover the mole somewhere inside the US Marshals or the FBI itself. Instead, she uncovers a greater conspiracy. 101 pages - pdf, format
A simple, yet multi-elemented story. PG-13 action & language. Nothing for little kids or highbrow critics. Great for the $5 WalMart bin. Runnin' and gunnin' with a fair bit of humor thrown in. No smattering the camera lens with brains and blood. $30 - $60M budget.
The following actors display the personalities and demographics of the characters in the story. Madison Elliot - Diane Kruger , Hillary Swank, Amanda Peet , Rachel McAdams
Jo Parker - Amanda Seyfried , Emma Roberts
Mike Brady - Justin Long , Joseph Gordon Levitt
Paul "Goldie" Rossio - Javier Bardem , Jeremy Piven
Sam Parker - Liam Neeson , Jeff Bridges , Hugh Laurie
Big Frankie - Penn Jillette , Vince Vaughn Liev Schreiber , Clive Owen
Max - Luis Guzman
I generic anyone else for any of the other characters. Nothing special unless someone comes to your mind. I'm all ears, so to speak.
Comparable films and styles: Shooter: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooter_(film) Lame, but made a buck. The Kingdom http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Kingdom_(film) I love this film. Pretty sure this story ain't nowhere near it, but I like the craftsmanship and hope to emulate. The Sentinel http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sentinel_(2006_film) I'm afraid this story is too close to something of this caliber. Been there. Done that. It was luke-warm this time. "Lapse" ain't makin' it any better. Whatchagonnado? I'm pretty sure this can't be kicked up into a Lethal Weapon orbit, but the pace and humor should be about the same/similar.
Not a lot of CGI. Soundtrack could go a long way. Kinda my biggest weak spot, anyway.
Please help get me there. Thank you for reading. Sincerely.
I don't know, man, but Jeff would laugh his head off at your last post.
I just skimmed through your first page. I think there's a better way to show convoys departing at three different locations. It just feels weird on screen when you have three consecutive titles but then they all look the same.
I'll finish reading yours asap.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Oh I got quite a snicker when I saw that post, Herman. Still giggling like a school girl, actually.
I also read the first page, and had the exact thoughts...and about 24 more. I don't think Ray wants me to comment on his script, so I'll stay quiet as a mouse. I'll try to at least.
That would help you get a sense of tone and develop one of your own. You use way too many words in the first dozen or so pages that say one thing: we have a witness we need to protect.
I don't know much at all about the characters in these pages. I do know we're in for a lot of shooting and crashed cars. Be careful because that gets old quick.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/16_Blocks >> 16 Blocks received mixed to negative reviews. On review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes, it has an 56% rating from critics, 51% among professional critics, with the following consensus: "Despite strong performances from Bruce Willis and Mos Def, 16 Blocks is a shopworn entry in the buddy-action genre.."<<
I have run across A LOT of supporting evidence that this entire genre just REALLY REALLLY isn't all that commercially successful.
So, would it be prudent just say "Screwit"?
People like RomComs - and - GORE! Any mash-ups there?! LOL!
16 Blocks received mixed to negative reviews. On review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes, it has an 56% rating from critics, 51% among professional critics, with the following consensus: "Despite strong performances from Bruce Willis and Mos Def, 16 Blocks is a shopworn entry in the buddy-action genre.."<<
I have run across A LOT of supporting evidence that this entire genre just REALLY REALLLY isn't all that commercially successful.
The genre wasn't the reason why 16 Blocks got such negative reviews. The story was. You can put all the perfume and makeup you want on a chunk of shit, it's still a chunk of shit.
Okey-dokey.
I read 6 pages of Lapse, skimmed another 4 before I put it don't down and ran away. The way this script is written and formated is just is just not my thing. Maybe you've got a great story here, maybe you don't - I'll never know.
I do know your first page turned me off right away. The three trucks arriving at the different prisons, you just copy-pasted that and it looks and reads terrible. Mix it up a little. Make it visual interesting (and, please, don't come back with "Yeah, but on screen three different prisons look like... three different prisons!" - cos' on the page, and that's what you should be concerning yourself with, the three prisons don't look like anything).
While technically an agency of the Department of Homeland Security, the U.S. Customs and Border Protection runs the border crossing - not a Homeland Security team (what ever the hell that is). Mistakes like that really rub the wrong way, especially when it's so easy to research in this day and age. Write what know - research what you don't.
The prison sequence is severely under-written. It reads like a poorly formatted montage (or series of shots if you like). Pkg? I imagine you mean a package, right? Then why not just write that instead of coming across like a kid text messaging his buddy?
Page 2.
Very slow fade in? Wrong. Leave the editing to the editors. That's not to say that you can't write a very slow fade in sequence though. It's actually quite easy when you think about it. Show - don't tell.
Quoted Text
MIKE (V.O.) Shocking and amazing. Driver didn�t make it.
JO (V.O.) Amazing and shocking. No better down here. Gun!
And that's where I lost all interest in your script.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
Ray, I honestly went into this with an open mind and hope to give you some honest feedback, the good news is that you're stuff is getting more readable, the bad news is that it still needs so much work. I know this was written quickly so I'll forget about the formatting issues, but that wasn't my main issue.
The second I started to get into a scene, you're dialogue would put me off...everyone spoke the same and it felt like I was listening to my 8th grade guidance counselor spew out cheesy dialogue. If your story isn't a true comedy I'd try to have every bit of your characters speech reveal something about the story or move the plot forward. Since this isn't a straight up comedy, there's a lot that could be cut, especially since a lot of what you have in here doesn't read as funny. Maybe that's just my opinion, but I doubt it.
At least this one was easier to follow. Your formatting has improved 100%. Congrats on that. High five!!! Now quit spending hours on end looking up random stuff online and read a book on screenwriting.
I was initially impressed by your set up, you set a nice pace with your action, but boy oh boy did that get old quick. Too many bullets riddling the sides of cars, etc, it got real old, real quick.
Mike's "grand theft auto" reaction line to "where'd you learn to drive that", was recently in the trailer/movie "the other guys", do a fancy look up on imdb if you feel like it, maybe that snuck into your subconscious without you knowing, but that line was in a well advertised trailer/movie (check imdb. or box office mojo, $100 million and counting) within the last 2 months. If studio readers see something that unoriginal within the first 12 pages, they are very unlikely to give the rest of your script a fair look.
If you can please take one single thing that I have say to heart (re: your 1st post about actors and budget considerations)....Ray, just write a script about a movie that you would ACTUALLY ENJOY and would actually like to see. It seems like you are trying to write cookie cutter scripts that fill a need in the marketplace. Unless you have a high-concept idea no one's going to listen.
A question, and I hope you respond. What are a few of your favorite movies? What inspires you to write? What movies inspire you? Is your motivation $ or trying to create art or something you're truly proud of?
Try to feed off what you loved in those movies that you love and have it influence your scripts. It seems like you're trying to approach screenwriting from a business perspective and as a result your scripts come off as less than genuine. No offense. I just think I'm saying what most people on the site are thinking. Nate.
The genre wasn't the reason why 16 Blocks got such negative reviews. The story was. You can put all the perfume and makeup you want on a chunk of shit, it's still a chunk of shit. http://www.the-numbers.com/market/Genres/ The average gross of thrillers is the second lowest of the major genres. Factor in a guesstimated cost/benefit or ROI and it gets kinda spooky. It's more like a cup of loose squirt than a chunk of sh!t. No perfume. It is what it is.
I read 6 pages of Lapse, skimmed another 4 before I put it don't down and ran away. The way this script is written and formated is just is just not my thing. Maybe you've got a great story here, maybe you don't - I'll never know. I appreciate you trying. Thank you.
Quoted Text
The three trucks arriving at the different prisons, you just copy-pasted that and it looks and reads terrible. Mix it up a little. Make it visual interesting... cos' on the page, and that's what you should be concerning yourself with, the three prisons don't look like anything).
The prison sequence is severely under-written. It reads like a poorly formatted montage (or series of shots if you like).
Very slow fade in? Wrong. Leave the editing to the editors. That's not to say that you can't write a very slow fade in sequence though. It's actually quite easy when you think about it. Show - don't tell.
This is one of the more interesting things I run across. In the first statement the objection is the story is under-directed. In the subsequent statement the objection is the story is over-directed. RRRGH! And then the frustrating part is I'm told to "Show-don't tell." Will you please show a brief suggestion. Thank you.
While technically an agency of the Department of Homeland Security, the U.S. Customs and Border Protection runs the border crossing. Funny. I started my search for the correct organization with Customs, couldn't find a definitive answer, said screwit, and lumped it up the chain. Gracias for the issue clarity!
Pkg? I imagine you mean a package, right? Then why not just write that instead. Yes & corrected. One of a thousand of the other typos I see in this 7WC rough completed in 4+wks.
Thank you very much for reading the first six pages and a skim of the next four. Corrections appreciated.
Not under-directed, Ray, under-written. The opening scenes are way too vague. You want the reader to create a somewhat clear mental picture of the scenes but it's impossible, imo, from what you've written. It doesn't have to be overly detailed, it just has to be clear. This is even more true when introducing new characters in new settings. That should, at the very minimum, include the following:
- Where are we - What does it look like - Who's there - What are they doing
If your intention for the first page was to write a sort of quick scene shifting chain of events, you could write it (and format it) as a SERIES OF SHOT but I would advise against it cos' if the first page doesn't show off your incredible writing skills while setting the tone for the script, then there's really no reason for the reader to turn the page.
Take the scenes with the trucks. Obviously some shady shit is going on so why not show that? Why not show the driver of the truck all nervous while the Customs agent inspects his truck? Why not show some shady characters load the boxes into the trucks while constantly looking over their shoulders to see if anybody's watching? That way you set a tone for the story and you create a sense of foreboding the reader's mind that something bad is going down and they can't wait to find out what it is. What you have now is a very dry opening with zero emotions - in my opinion.
Regarding the "very slow fade in", aks yourself if it's even needed. Does the story fall apart without it? Does it even add anything? And correct me if I'm wrong, but what you're looking for is not a "very slow fade in", you're looking for the sensation of a guy - all banged up - coming back to conscienceness after a car accident. Right?
Example:
Quoted Text
The Crown Vic crashes to a bone shattering stop, airbags explode.
CUT TO BLACK:
A shimmer of light. Distant noises. Blurry outlines. Distorted colors. More light. Faint voices. Contours take shape. Reveals:
INT. CROWN VIC - DAY
Bloodshot EYES track a pair of LEGS through a broken windshield as they make their way around the front of the upside-down car.
MIKE (O.S.) Shocking and amazing. Driver didn’t make it.
A SOUND from the rear slides the eyes to the right.
JO (O.S.) Amazing and shocking. No better down here. Gun!
I didn't feel like changing the dialogue...but you definitely should. I mean, who talks like that?
Hope this helps.
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
- Where are we Prisons across America - What does it look like People doing their job - Who's there Border patrol, tuckers, prison employees and inmates - What are they doing Trafficking 90% of the drugs in prison
but I would advise against it cos' if the first page doesn't show off your incredible writing skills while setting the tone for the script, This is the background. The environment. The situation at hand. It's a nationwide "epidemic".
What you have now is a very dry opening with zero emotions - in my opinion. Good. That's exactly what I wanted. IRL there is a lot of shady sh!t going on. Day in. Day out. It goes on amongst the majority of regular people doing their regular job. The shady sh!t itself is performed by regular people doing their illicit regular job. The ones that look all nervous get caught. I don't want stage play. I want real life... selectively. It's the cool and cold SOBs that get the work done. Trucks go in. Trucks go out. People check lists. Your neighbors unload the truck. Your local business professionals distribute it. Here. There. All across the nation. For decades. In this case, amongst prisons across the US. Dry as dirt. That's why I wanted to run through it quick. No glamor. No pretense.
Start with serious => transition to silly => bait with some serious => provide relief. Relentless, 100% heavy sh!t wears down an audience. Even the beginning of Hurt Locker had the guys BSing. Same, if only in intent.
Regarding the "very slow fade in", aks yourself if it's even needed. Yes. It is appropriate. No regular FADE IN.
you're looking for the sensation of a guy - all banged up - coming back to conscienceness after a car accident. Right? Right. See above. Start with a lot of audio, begin some out of focus/distorted visual then sharpen up.
A shimmer of light. Distant noises. Blurry outlines. Distorted colors. More light. Faint voices. Contours take shape. Reveals: Beautiful. Thank you.
I didn't feel like changing the dialogue...but you definitely should. I mean, who talks like that? Seriously? People that use a false disdain or a flippant sense of humor to protect their emotions from a job immersed in lunacy. How many smashed, crashed, toasted, shot, stabbed, hanged, drowned dead people would you have to see for a few years in a row to bifurcate your sense of normalcy? Meet Jo & Mike. All the deadly serious rubbish you see on TV medial shows like ER and Hawthorne are about as legit as cocking revolvers and pumping shotguns with shells already in the breach. PFFT! Ha!
Seriously, Rob - I appreciate your work here with me. Thank you.
Unfortunately, I didn't quite make it through this whole script either, Ray.
I won't bring up the first page because, well, everyone has mentioned how important it is. Seeing that repetition there did not entice me to read. But read I did anyway.
I think there's some times when your writing sparkles. I thought some of your dialogue was pretty good. Then other times I just feel like you're including too much exposition. Then there's the times like
PAUL I... I don’t remember! I don’t know... anything?!
or
MADISON Yeah. My entire career hangs on the names he was going to give your dad this morning and... this is... bad.
When I just want to go Tsk, Tsk. Very on the nose and should be approached differently. That second one was when I stopped reading btw.
As far as the action goes, I thought it was a bit blocky. Try to write your action a more vertically. That will give it the feel of moving faster.
I'm sure you have a good story in here but I feel like you're trying to force it rather than let it happen naturally. I think you do have some talent for doing this however, so keep writing and find your personal voice because that's when the fun really starts.