Quoted from RayW -- even though everyone's lives are still in danger it seems like they all might die by mistake instead of having the plot continue to unfold. Bingo on the first half! I want lunacy to be in control. Rats, again on the second half of the observation. Any thought on how I would have Frankie seem like he's going to kill 'em at any random moment when he really has little intent to? He just wants to pump them for intel. Ray

I don't know.  Possibly if we see things to suggest that Frankie has other important deals going on at the same time (phones ringing, messages delivered, possibly corrupted FBI  agent names dropped) and that as much as he'd like to torture and humiliate everybody, he can only be one place at a time, so he has to hurry things along.  Then the audience would still get the feeling that lunacy is in control but we wouldn't feel like the storyline slows down so much.

Catherine

Why would you ever write a feature, post it online, and not include your proper full name???

Stopped at the title page Ray Ray. If you're serious about your writing, you'll want you're name attached to everything you post.

Why so secretive???

James

Stopped at the title page Ray Ray. If you're serious about your writing, you'll want you're name attached to everything you post.

Why so secretive???

A - Anyone stopped at the title page is not serious.
B - The work is copyrighted. (Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. "Technically")
C - At least a hundred people in America have the same name as you or I or anyone of us (but probably not Khamanna Iskandarova. I imagine that's a pretty unique name, but I don't speak Mandarin) , so it really doesn't matter.
D - Anyone serious can contact me through the perfectly fine email on the title page.
E - A really serious person would have their attorneys email a contract with a pants-p!ssing number of zeros in a contract for me to sign.

Whitter
Whitter
Whitter
Whitter
Whitter
Whitter

There.

You happy, Pinocchio?

F - Bonus: We're all here at SS lookin' at it. It's time stamped here and on my 'puter and on my email account.
If I wanna pursue some copyright infringement (Pfft! Ha! Call me Don Quixote!) I'm grabbin' you by the scruff of the neck and stickin' your ugly mug in front of the jusge FIRST and sayin' "Listin' to Cap'n Morgan, here, your Honor."

Quoted Text Thank you. Your work is greatly appreciated.

No worries. I think some of the "reviews" you're getting aren't very helpful. In fact, if I hear someone else mention how they "had to stop at the first page" I'm going to pierce my testicles for the fun of it.

Quoted Text Why would you ever write a feature, post it online, and not include your proper full name??? Stopped at the title page Ray Ray. If you're serious about your writing, you'll want you're name attached to everything you post. Why so secretive???

Okay, so I just punctured a rusty nail through the largest diameter of my right testicle. I feel a little bit better.

With one bleeding huevo, I read past the first page...

I like the transition from the first sequence into the next except it reads like the beginning of Act 2.

On page two, these should be O.S. not V.O.s?
  
Give us a tiny description of these characters.

I like the way the action is written in the crash sequence. This is how, I believe, it should be written. Though, I would tinker with your action lines. Experiment a little until you find your spot. Like I said, read I AM LEGEND or NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. Both of these have great action written. You’ll see visually how your action lines should look and read on the page. Then you can adjust how you want to fit your style.

Try...

Quoted Text He moves forward into the cab, crouched. Full auto GUNFIRE rips across the ambulance windshield.

to this...

Quoted Text He moves forward into the cab, crouched. GUNFIRE rips across the ambulance windshield.

Another...

Quoted Text Madison jumps into the ambulance, jumps over Jo to the front, fires a single shot, BOOM! over the crouching Mike, through the front window into the overturned sedan.

To this…

Quoted Text Madison jumps into the ambulance, jumps over Jo to the front, fires a single shot BOOM! over the crouching Mike, through the front window into the overturned sedan.

Exactly the same action lines but visually different.  From what I’ve seen in professional specs, use a few descriptive lines of text when opening a scene, otherwise, less is more.

Who the hell is this Madison? Cop? EMT? Ahhh. Okay.

I think Jo would be securing an IV line and making sure her patient isn’t going to crash. She can do this and talk at the same time. This dialogue from Madison explaining things is a little on the nose.  Not sure she would give everything away to Jo about Paul and what’s going on anyways. She is not in the “need to know” category.

How do they know his memory is gone? A medical professional would need to ask specific questions to determine this. A person can be delirious and answer inappropriately but still have an intact memory. Okay, she did ask but did it after assuming he’d lost his memory.

Not sure I like him apologizing. Maybe save it for later.

Typically retrograde amnesia only involves parts of the memory.  Usually, old memories are the last to be lost. Like where a person grew up, major events that happened, skills like driving, riding bikes, playing piano, etc. Near or recent memory is usually affected first.

Because you have so much going on at the same time with the different locations, characters, interests, etc. it might be wise to add an aside here and there to keep the reader tethered to the story.  I’m getting a little lost and have to keep going over  action lines to keep track.

An example…

Quoted Text Parker closes the door behind him as Cruz pulls from his briefcase a CHEAP CELL PHONE – identical to the one used by Arturo.

I think this would be a great place for one.

What’s Paul doing during the sequence with Mike and Madison in the rear of the ambulance with Jo driving? There isn’t any mention of him. Is he unconscious?

One thing you need is a down moment within the action,  even if it is only a few pages. Moments where the protagonists feel safe and have some time to think and go over things. This will also allow the audience to process all the information they’ve received up to that point. Visually, your second Act should look like a sine wave with ups and downs not just ups.

Quoted Text HECTOR ¿Qué quieres que hagamos?

Might be better as…

Quoted Text HECTOR ¿Qué hagamos?

So far, I like these characters, though at times I get a little lost in knowing who is who. The good thing is I want to keep reading to find out what happens. I would add a first Act before the scene where Jo and Mike arrive on the crash scene. This will allow us to get to sort the characters out. We should get to know them a little before we are forced to follow them. The second Act (the car crash) should occur around page 15-20.

I’m finishing this and will talk about the rest later.

Joseph

Hey Ray,

Number seven of eight for me. Nearly there! I’m not going to mention anything about formatting as you’re probably sick of hearing about it. Same with typos and such. It’s a first draft, no one expects it to be perfect. Anyway, well done for completing the challenge. I know you started much later than the rest of us, so for 4 weeks or so, this is pretty impressive.  

SPOILERS AS USUAL...

I don’t think this reads like a thriller. In my opinion, it read much more like an action/comedy, which is not a bad thing, but because I was expecting some thriller moments, I was kind of disappointed.

I also thought you had too many characters, many are not even needed and I’ll admit I was lost on more than one occasion. Maybe, it would be much easier to follow onscreen, but as a script, I found it hard.

An example of this, is Pike’s character. He is introduced to us on page 85 or 86, and he is the mole they have been looking for all along. How are we supposed to guess that? You should give us some clues as to who the mole is throughout the story to keep us interested and we will be surprised when he is revealed. It was too much of a WTF moment for me as it stands. Another example, all kinds of people are driving around in cars of different models and colors. I honestly can’t remember who was driving half of them. My advice, pick the characters that are essential to the story, cut any that are just there to fill the pages. Also, if you want Pike as your mole, have him in the story from the start. Let us get to know him and throw a clue or two our way.

Mike and Jo’s dialogue in the beginning annoyed me slightly, but they grew on me as I read on. I actually found them very likable, in a strange way, and I didn’t think I would say that after the first 15-20 pages.

Dialogue was a bit of a problem. All the characters sounded exactly the same, maybe not Frankie, actually. Re-mem-ber! DI-rek-tor! Constant uses of the word “sir” by everybody. At other times, it was a little on-the-nose or with too much exposition. At other times, it was quite snappy and funny. So all in all, it was a bit of a mixed bag.

I also noted that when Madison and co are captured, the scene with Frankie goes on for a while! I’ve not got a problem with that, but they do talk about meaningless stuff. I mean, audio sound systems! Torture videos on HD camcorders! I blame Tarantino, myself. Kidding, I like lots of dialogue, that was not the problem for me here. The problem was Madison. She’s our protagonist, yet the scene lasts for over 20 pages (I think), and she does nothing to try and escape. She’s the agent, she should be working on a way out long before the gunshot starts the party, if you know what I mean. Right now, she’s sitting about waiting for things to happen, and I don’t think that’s what you want for your lead.

Overall, this is a pretty decent effort. It could use some work, but as I said before, it’s still a first draft and you’ll no doubt have more ideas than you know what to do with by the time you get to the rewrite. Good luck with it!

Brian

With one bleeding huevo, I read past the first page...
Oh, please don't sacrifice anything testicular over some of these folks.
Toss a pube at 'em if you feel so compelled.
(Ray's dirty joke time!! Yay!!!
Q: What's the last sound a pube makes before it hits the floor?
A: Puhh!)

On page two, these should be O.S. not V.O.s?
No. V.O.s
From the interior of of the Crown Vic the survivor (Paul) would be able to see the torsos of Mike & Jo as they moved about the vehicle, yet their faces would be above the window line while still audible.
You see them - but - you don't see their lips moving. Or their lips at all, for that matter.
I guess, in all likelihood, I should just ixne the VO/OS whatever.
The director can figure out they're not walking around on their knees.
  
Give us a tiny description of these characters.
Male. Female.
Okay. They're healthy, life guard types.

I like the way the action is written in the crash sequence. This is how, I believe, it should be written. Though, I would tinker with your action lines. Experiment a little until you find your spot. Like I said, read I AM LEGEND or NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. Both of these have great action written. You’ll see visually how your action lines should look and read on the page. Then you can adjust how you want to fit your style.
I've been thinking about this all day, actually.
I was wondering if anyone had a definitive answer on the following or just some pretty good guesses:
MOST of the "screenplays" we see online are actually transcripts of the theatrical release.
A: Does the primary credited writer get to do that or does he/she sign off of some underling production assistant's transcripting efforts?
B: Is there a way to get ahold of more of the original screenplays? Either the studio "locked" version or the last of the pink/yellow/green rewrites BEFORE the editor does his thang?

Who the hell is this Madison? Cop? EMT? Ahhh. Okay.
Two black Crown Vics SCREECH to a tire-smoking stop behind
the ambulances, blue dash-lights circling.

Doors pop open, three dark suited men and a pony-tailed
woman immediately drop behind the doors and return PISTOL
FIRE into the overturned sedan.

The pony-tailed woman, MADISON, 35, darts from her car door
to behind the ambulance providing covering PISTOL FIRE into
the overturned sedan.

I think Jo would be securing an IV line and making sure her patient isn’t going to crash. She can do this and talk at the same time.
Originally I had just that, but just deleted it because it makes sh!t just unnecessarily complicated.
IV added only so much throw away realism.
Judgement call.

This dialogue from Madison explaining things is a little on the nose.  Not sure she would give everything away to Jo about Paul and what’s going on anyways. She is not in the “need to know” category.
LOL! Yeah. I didn't really have time to go back and fix most of the pugilistic dialog.
Yep, yep, yep. It's ROUGH!

How do they know his memory is gone? A medical professional would need to ask specific questions to determine this. A person can be delirious and answer inappropriately but still have an intact memory. Okay, she did ask but did it after assuming he’d lost his memory.
PDF pg 8 Madison asks "Who do you have there?"
They figure it out, Madison gets pissed, vomits what she's been tense over all morning: his deposition testimony.
And all Paul has to say is "What? What? I don’t remember! I don’t know... anything?!"

Typically retrograde amnesia only involves parts of the memory... Near or recent memory is usually affected first.
Jerry Bruckheimer movie magic.
This was never intended to be fine theater.
From conception this was double cheezeburger, trippple fries, grande chocolate milkshake all fat, salt, starch and sugar pablum for an audience more entertained by sh!t exploding than by witty repartee.
That audience "doan need no stinking medial degree".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsdZKCh6RsU
Just... shoot sh!t and watch it explode or fall over dead.
Magic bullets.
It's not disdain for the target audience.
It's respect by giving them what they want.
Cheezeburgers have a pretty big market I understand.
Likely more than Ryan's Steakhouse.
It's action gore = the more the merrier.
Actually, this is action light.

Because you have so much going on at the same time with the different locations, characters, interests, etc. it might be wise to add an aside here and there to keep the reader tethered to the story.  I’m getting a little lost and have to keep going over action lines to keep track.
Gatcha.
I might be cheating when I'm reviewing/critiquing scripts.
Every time I run across a new character I C&P that character, age and description to the top of my notes page.
I keep up with everything as I'm going along.
I figured if the big boys can keep a minimum of two to three story lines going along simultaneously that I might as well try.
I'm really not interested in doing Before Sunrise.
I'd rather take a swing at 12 Angry Men.

What’s Paul doing during the sequence with Mike and Madison in the rear of the ambulance with Jo driving? There isn’t any mention of him. Is he unconscious?
Listening to everything.
Chained, strapped, and collard he can't do much.
He just arrived on planet earth when he woke up, so he don't know sh!t.
He's thirty minutes old and has just been told that he's a bad man and killed this lady's husband.
Go tell that to a little kid. See if you can make him cry. LOL!
Seriously, though. yeah I see your point. I'll give him some more lines than a groan or two.
My biggest problem with Paul is as is he's a tool.
I can't imagine why on earth an actor would want to play Paul other than to pick up a paycheck.
The only cool thing he does is run around the ware house shooting bad guys in the office.
Whoopee. He needs work. Any bone you can toss I'll take.

One thing you need is a down moment within the action,  even if it is only a few pages. Moments where the protagonists feel safe and have some time to think and go over things.
Protagonists don't get sh!t for a break.
However, the audience gets a break when it cuts to Parker, Falcon, Arturo or the helicopter pilots.
As soon as that's over the heat's back on for the protags.

This will also allow the audience to process all the information they’ve received up to that point. Visually, your second Act should look like a sine wave with ups and downs not just ups.
Agreed.
Actually ACT II begins when the running & gunning ends after the LA Mafia gets the ambulance into the warehouse on PDF pg 43. Just over the 1/3 mark.
And that transition and following sequence isn't going over so well.

So far, I like these characters, though at times I get a little lost in knowing who is who. The good thing is I want to keep reading to find out what happens. I would add a first Act before the scene where Jo and Mike arrive on the crash scene. This will allow us to get to sort the characters out. We should get to know them a little before we are forced to follow them. The second Act (the car crash) should occur around page 15-20.
Cool.
Here's the b!tch of it: All that intro trucks and prisons BS is throw away setting setter.
I tossed that in at the last second. (Day, really)
The story honestly began with the spinning Crown Vic for the first four weeks.
Since everyone is having kittens over it I'd just as soon ditch it.
For the life in me I can't see what's so GD difficult about shooting the sequence.
How [expletive] stupid are directors?
Although honestly, I know my grievance is with the industry readers.

I’m finishing this and will talk about the rest later
Gracias!

Number seven of eight for me. Nearly there!
Hooorayyyy!!!!

I’m not going to mention anything about formatting as you’re probably sick of hearing about it.
Bless you. May your offspring also be blessed with common sense, as well.

Same with typos and such. It’s a first draft, no one expects it to be perfect.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...  

SPOILERS AS USUAL...
Well of course.
We're all magicians back here behind the stage curtains, aren't we?

I don’t think this reads like a thriller. In my opinion, it read much more like an action/comedy, which is not a bad thing, but because I was expecting some thriller moments, I was kind of disappointed.
Yep, yep and sorry.
Guilty.
I can't be thrilled.
Don't know how to thrill anyone else other than jumping out behind something yelling "I SEE YOUR EPIDERMIS!"

I also thought you had too many characters, many are not even needed and I’ll admit I was lost on more than one occasion. Maybe, it would be much easier to follow onscreen, but as a script, I found it hard.
Yeah.
Like I just said to Joseph, I cheat. A lot.
I keep up with everyone's characters with a crib sheet so that I don't get lost.
I have no idea what other folks do to prevent this.
Through this 7WC I've determined I'm like a Baja off-road racer to most everyone else's Tour de France cycling.
I don't care what the terrain is or how harsh the environment is: I can beat my way through anything and laugh at the dirt in my teeth, parched lips and sweat soaked a$$.
I don't really know what to make of people flippin' out over a turtle in the road.
"Oh! Heavens!" I feign.

An example of this, is Pike’s character... It was too much of a WTF moment for me as it stands.
Definitely.
Yeah, I pounded out the meat of the story and ran out of time to fine tune when and where and how I was going to change dialog and story structure to accommodate dropping all of the appropriate bread crumbs, so...
Yep. You're right. I'm on it.

Another example, all kinds of people are driving around in cars of different models and colors. I honestly can’t remember who was driving half of them.
Now I did my best to color code all those cars JUST SO THAT readers would not get lost.
Off the top of my head: Brown car gets smashed, blue car gets machine gunned, green car follows and then gets pulled over as the red car continues to follow, the yellow car swerves to miss the ambulance and hits the black Beamer because... all beamers are black, right?
Charcoal SUV for Falcon
Three silver SUVs for the LA Mafia.
Six older model SUV barreling up from Meh-hee-ko, loaded with Mexican drug cartel muscle.
Did I remember that right?
Oh, and Pike car-jacks a red pick-up.
Who cares what color the motorcycle is?
Anyone can remember that it's Maddy on the bike.


Mike and Jo’s dialogue in the beginning annoyed me slightly, but they grew on me as I read on. I actually found them very likable, in a strange way, and I didn’t think I would say that after the first 15-20 pages.
Yeah.
The more I worked with them the better I made them and the less occupational emotionally defensive they became.
Two different planes transposing.

Dialogue was a bit of a problem. All the characters sounded exactly the same...
Yeah.
That's going to be a major problem... er growth opportunity as a writer < wink, wink > for me.
I demand a fair bit of sanity around me, and have a difficult time with other people's crazy sh!t so I try to keep my character TOO RATIONAL, as well.
Even Big Frankie isn't all that over the top.
He doesn't kill anybody right off the bat to look like a bada$$.
He tells M/J/M they're going to live.
Yeah, they're gonna get sold as slaves, but...
I dunno. You're right.
I gotta figure out something.

Constant uses of the word “sir” by everybody.
Only by people who were respectful to seniority (perhaps my own military background or just plain manners) or as common sense.
It's intrinsically irritating when the antagonist has the protagonist bound and tied and the protag wants to smart off with stupid sh!t that forces the bad guy to shoot 'em in the head.
I would.
I'd shoot a smart a$$ in the head so fast they wish they said "Yessir. No sir."
Actually... I'd shoot 'em in the knee and ask them to be polite because the femur will hurt much, much worse.

At other times, it was a little on-the-nose or with too much exposition. At other times, it was quite snappy and funny. So all in all, it was a bit of a mixed bag.
Working on the rabbit punches!

I also noted that when Madison and co are captured, the scene with Frankie goes on for a while! I’ve not got a problem with that, but they do talk about meaningless stuff. I mean, audio sound systems! Torture videos on HD camcorders! I blame Tarantino, myself. Kidding, I like lots of dialogue, that was not the problem for me here.
I wanted to dehumanize M/J/M from Frankie, Max, Joel and Mario's POV.
This is bad guy day to day average sh!t.
Sure, it might be a special day to you or me, but these guys have been there and done that.
They don't care.
Yeah. It's QT's fault.

The problem was Madison. She’s our protagonist, yet the scene lasts for over 20 pages (I think), and she does nothing to try and escape. She’s the agent, she should be working on a way out long before the gunshot starts the party, if you know what I mean. Right now, she’s sitting about waiting for things to happen, and I don’t think that’s what you want for your lead.
I want her to be forced to be patient.
I want the audience to squirm every bit as much as her.
She couldn't do sh!t but wait for an opportunity or hopefully the police.
Not workin', eh?
Script erectile dysfunction.
Gotcha.


Thank you oh, so very much for pounding your way to the end.
Each of your points I will take to heart and bring to either this re-write or into following efforts.
Very much appreciated.

Ray, is it okay if I read it - you did not start the rewrite, right?

Right.

Like I said to Herman, though: You'll do a lot better if you keep a character crib sheet as you go along.

GL

I really am going to bed, now.
No.
Reeeealy.
G'nite!

Hey Ray, my review will be in several parts. Hope you don't mind.

Page 3, the action here can be written a little more clearer. I got there is a smashed Crown Vic and a second ambulance arriving. But the sudden appearance of the large sedan in the description threw me off. I think you should describe the large sedan first before the second ambulance arrives. That way the readers wouldn't get a huge amount of info all at once.

Page 3, the paramedics' reactions to the gunfire seems a bit unnatural, especially Jo's, she sounded like she sees this everyday. They should be shocked and afraid, and tried to hide behind the car or the trees. It's a human instinct, always save themselves first before the victims.

Page 3, you should also describe the pony-tailed woman as MADISON right away.

Page 8, I think there is too much exposition on this page. Madison is like blunting out everything, and they're all in statements. Maybe you should have her ask Paul questions rather than telling information to Jo.

Page 12, pretty good dose of action so far.

Page 16, who's Sam? You mean Parker, right?

Page 22, Paul's question about whether Madison's husband hit her came out of the blue. I think Paul should worry about himself first.

Page 33, A GENERAL NOTE, the story seems to drag after Madison decided to go to South Memorial and the ambulance got on and off the highway. After 10 more pages of car chasing and gunfight,  I kinda got bored. I think you need to have some turning points within those 10 pages. You might want to tighten them up and have them arrive at South Memorial a little bit earlier.

This to me feels like an action comedy. The bantering between Mike and Jo. It also reminds me of Speed where most of the action takes place inside a vehicle.

Page 35, uh....."Jo WHOOP! WHOOP!s the intersection..." I don't know what's that supposed to mean.

Page 38, I assume the red car is Falcon's? Try to state it's Falcon upfront, cuz right now some readers might confuse it's two different cars.

Page 42, A GENERAL NOTE, finally we're finished with the pursuit on the road. If I remember correctly, this chase started on page 3, that means this single action sequence lasted for 40 pages! It's just way too long.

For the last 15 pages or so, I didn't really care about where they go or how they go about doing things. A major reason is that there are too many cars: the ambulance, the green sedan, the red sedan, the police cruiser, the SUV, the SUV convoys, etc. I couldn't keep up with who's driving what and what they're doing at the time.

Action-wise, it's very abundant. But story-wise, nothing much. After 42 pages, all I know is that Madison is trying to get a witness safely to a courthouse.

What I'd suggest is: 1) cut down the action sequence, believe or not, I think you can do the same in 20ish pages; 2) you need a proper setup instead of dropping us right in the middle of action on page 3, show us who Madison is, show us how Mike and Jo do things before rescuing Paul.

Okay, let's continue....

Page 52, pretty good so far with the "villain's speech", I personally don't have problem with that plot device, but sometimes you gotta ask why would Frankie explain everything to the protagonists when he could be doing something more important.

Page 57, I think the situation starts to get out of hand. I thought Frankie has something big in mind when he first appears, but now, what's everyone doing in the warehouse? Doesn't Frankie have more important things to do than forcing Madison and Jo to strip and Mike to suck a gun?

Page 63, the dialogue here feels very cartoonish. I know you tried to make Frankie and Max psychotic and how they don't really care much about torture and violence. But I hope you could do the same thing but with a more mature conversation. They sound like high school kids to me.

Page 68, I really don't understand what Frankie and Max are trying to do here. I thought there will be a turning point when Max came in, but then the same thing for the last 20 pages happened all over again. I don't think Madison, Jo, and Mike are that important for the mafias to spend so much time humiliating them.

Page 69, no, man, Joel kills Mario because of lunch?! Com'on!

Page 69, A GENERAL NOTE, up to this point, I still couldn't identify a single main protagonist. I thought it would be Madison but then she's not really doing anything for the last 30 pages. You need to get her more active.

Page 71, wow, when did Paul become so active? Five minutes ago he was having problems taking baby steps and now he's shooting people. I would have the girls take care of the shooting while providing cover for Mike to get Paul into the ambulance.

Page 80, yay, finally out of the warehouse! I'm sorry to say this, but the last 10 pages with all those gunfights, I wasn't able to visualize all of them in my head. I completely missed the part where the trio went into the sleeper cab. I think the problem is that you're trying to describe everything at once, and this makes things disjointed. I suggest focusing on what your protagonists are doing, and then once in a while, drop a line or two about your enemies.

Page 82, I feel awkward about Parker family hugging Mike. I'm saying this is because I have no idea how close Mike is to Jo's family.

Page 84-85, you might want to go easier on the exposition. Sometimes we need exposition to know what's going on, but now Parker is like delivering a lecture. It would be very dry on the screen.

Page 89, I liked how you setup using Frankie's cheap cell phone to save him, and now you pay it off by using the phone to arrest him.

Page 99, hold on, I thought Falcon and Arturo are bad guys. No?

Okay, here we go. My last one of the 7WC scripts.

I have not read all the replies, but remember seeing some awhile ago saying they could not finish it. That actually surprises me. I thought it was one of the better entries. As with all of them, it's time to get to the rewrites now, but for a first draft I think you did a very good job. There are a couple of confusing moments, but I had absolutely no problem following the story. If I were to complain about the assignment given, I would say this one was more action than thriller.  

I liked the three main characters. My only objection to Madison's portrayal would be her crying in the wear house. I think she should be tougher than that. All women don't cry as soon as things get tough. I know I don't.

I see that you have a bunch of actresses pictured at the beginning of your thread. I would sternly suggest that you quit fantasizing about who's going to direct your film and who's going to act in it. Create the characters and the story vision how you imagine them fresh from your head. Not a fantasy line up. I really think that hinders the creativity.

pg   1.  At the bottom of the page, I think you need to describe the area of the prison we are in better. Just having a guard replace a pocket bible doesn't tell me were we are or anything.

pg   2.  Normally you don't start with dialogue directly after a scene heading.

Not going to comment on format (P.O.V.) or style since that apparently has gone out of style...
You do need to describe Jo however. Right now I have no idea if it's a he or she. Okay, I see that you did, but you should do it before she starts talking.

pg   4.  Did I miss something here? There was automatic fire coming from the overturned car, but yet there was only one survivor and he's strapped to a gurney. Who's doing the shooting from the crashed car?

pg   7.  Nice turn of events, but who the hell is Paul? Again, you need to introduce characters properly to minimize confusion.

pg  13.  I'm going to assume Madison is wearing a bullet proof vest...

Some of your descriptions can be hard to follow sometimes.
"The blue car slowly bends to the right as the ambulance wheels smoke. The moment the car’s dead weight releases the ambulance jolts forward into spectating traffic."  I'm not an English expert, but it seems to me that there should be some commas or something in there to help clear things up. There are quite a few descriptions like that that I have to reread in order to fully get. It slows down the read and the flow of the story.

pg  14. Why not go to a different hospital? Seems more logical since Paul isn't that critical...
No one notices the shot to hell ambulance?

pg  16.  One question here. I'm no expert so I'm only asking out of curiosity. If a key witness is almost killed in an accident while on his way to court, would they really drop a case? It seems that would definitely go under some special exception rule or something.

Also, I know who Parker and Cruz are and that's what you called them in your action paragraphs until this page. Now you're calling someone Sam. Who is Sam? Do I have to go back and try to find his intro somewhere? Better to be consistent in order to avoid confusion.

pg  27.  The dialogue that starts on page 26 and goes on through page 27 can probably be cut. IMHO, it doesn't really do much.

pg  29.  Not really necessary to tell us Jo can't see the green sedan because the ambulance is missing the rearview mirror.

Seems like they've been on this exit ramp a long time. How long is this thing? And how many of them are there?

pg  30.  Would Jo really keep saying Yessir to her dad? A couple of times is okay, but all the times makes it look as if he's the one demanding to be addressed that way. At least to me.

pg  31. Not sure we need the "can't hear dialogue".  It doesn't lead the story anywhere, but it wasn't that funny either. You have some snappy lines in this script, but that was not one of them.

I like this script, I really do. At least so far, but I'm starting to think this is turning into a seemingly endless chase scene. I can't remember the exact amount of minutes now, but there's a rule somewhere in the world of entertainment about how long someone can stay excited. We get an adrenaline rush which is what we like. However after 9 minutes or so (I think it was) our adrenaline levels subside. Even if we're still in the same situation. That's also why roller coasters don't go on longer than that particular number of minutes because they don't want you to start getting bored at the end of the ride. We need a break for a few minutes here and there so we can get that rush again. I'm on page 33 and there has been no let up in the action so far.

pg  42.  Finally we're parked. Good show, but way too long....

pg  43.  What happened to Paul? Not just now, but during the chase too. We haven't seen or heard from him in pages.

pg  47.  "When she reaches to pull herself up Frankie momentarily looks to Mike and speaks loud enough for Jo to hear." She who?

A lot of talking and exposition by Frankie...

pg  60.  What was that whole strip thing about? What was its purpose?

pg  64.  It's been 22 pages since they rolled into the warhorse. That's a VERY long time to spend there. Especially since it's mostly Frankie talking. I think you can ditch that whole part about filming the torture and such. I'm not really seeing why they want to drag this on so much. I guess they aren't afraid at all that authorities will show up. Didn't anyone notice the helicopter? I don't find it believable that they carry on like there's no need to hurry at all.

pg  69.  Whoa! That argument and shot came out of nowhere and didn't really work for me.

pg  73.  Why are they unlocking Paul? Is he a good guy now? Not in custody?

The escape in the truck scene leaves me wondering why they were not fired upon my police? Couldn't they have shown themselves to police and let them handle the situation. Seems weird that they could just drive a big truck right out of there without being noticed.

pg  81.  Groan...at the dialogue...  Followed by way too much exposition. Is this now a story that's going to preach to us about what's wrong with our court and prison systems?

Now it's a political preaching?

pg  86.  Shakes his head like a lamb's tail? I don't think that description work. I can't really picture that at all.

pg  90.  Where is Falcon parked?

pg  91. Madison is running. I thought she was hurt and lying on an ER bed. Did I miss something?
What's the BOOM! in Pike's dialogue?

I hope the following comments are helpful to you.

Pia  

Read the first 30 something, and am planning to read on (!)... it's just decided to comment in parts. Hope you don't mind although it might seem annoying.

p1 - "Guard zips up his pants" - didn't know they were unzipped.
p3,4 - I notice a lot of exclamation marks - thinking these are not always necessary. I understand they are yelling most of the time but still...For instance JO No! Just this guy! --I think just "No. Just this guy." sounds better.
p4 "Jo has closed the back doors" - if we are not seeing this then maybe "Behind the closed back doors Jo finishes up putting an oxygen mask over the patients face. Then rips open.."
p7 - Madison just told them the whole story, bit too straighforward and open for an FBI agent. Maybe they could ask questions... on the way.
p10 - Madison calls him a witness, but he's really an enemy from the description. I get it he would have to confess if he remembered... Maybe you could let us know why he absolutely has to confess.
p13 - Without the exclamation marks Arturo would sound manlier.
p16 "Sam holds his fists a moment" - I'd have him as PARKER throughout, thinking you changed it from Sam to Parker maybe and missed it here.
p21 - I like Paul hitting on Madison and thinking it will grow in something more. You also upped the stakes for her - her carrier depends on Paul - this is very good. She sounds kind of thankful that he has killed her husband. We'll see why - just want you to know that this is what she sounded like to me.
p27 - funny grandma dialog!

Clearly an action thriller, very heavy in action which is good. Reminds me of cowrite project (have you heard of it) - the first ten pages were heavy in action and fun to read. If you want to take a look - go to cowrite.com and find first ten page installment. That one is a PG-13 too (maybe PG).

Reading on...

p31 - the driver of the yellow chevi "can't hear it" - not sure if it adds anything.
p34 I like their dialog throughout. I think you put some thought in it, comes off as very snappy.
p34 PILOT "I thinG" - typo.
p43 - "I ain't BS' you" - bs'ing?
p44 "Forty minutes has passed" - now how to show this to us... hmmm...
p46 "Mad Hatter" Elliot - I like it, pretty farcical and the whole script is in this tone - nice.
p54 - Paul was very articulate at the beginning for someone with a broken neck. Maybe if he said something ineligible... (at the beginning)
p55,56 - I'm thinking Frankie is too fun and my attention is on him which is not right because my attention should be on Madison and the group. Maybe you could show this from her POV.
p57 - Paul conversing with Madison - here's an idea - maybe you could have bits of this conversation throughout to keep them in the view.
p59 - Yeah, Paul did not shoot Madison's husband!
p62 - maybe intentional - MAX "Do want to keep him?" - missing 'we'.
p62 - Frankie tells Max that Paul got amnesia, on p61 he told someone else (I think La eMe group) he doesn't remember stuff - that's too much telling of the same thing for me. Maybe Paul could give himself away and say something stupid and then they'd know he doesn't remember.
p63 - I'm loving their dialog. It's a pity Frankie came late into the script.
p72,73 For this warehouse sequence it might be worth considering mini slugs. "climbs into the cab. No keys." - could go under CAB.

reading on...

p76 - "They fight" - I don't know about the best/correct way to do it but personally I use more descriptive to show a fight...follow every/almost every punch. --and maybe that's wrong.
p80,81,82 - got a little talky here, too much info conveyed through dialog.
p88 - Madison is not supposed to leave Nevada? - I suggest you introduce this earlier to up the stakes.

I really like the script - you managed to maintain the tone which is important.
You introduce new characters throughout and I suggest you go easy on them. Also introduce most of them in the first act and stick with them. That's what I watch out for in my scripts

Done!

Howdy, Pia!

Okay, here we go. My last one of the 7WC scripts.
Hoooraaaayyy!!!
My God, I've learned so much during this challenge!
Thank you so much for your detailed review.

I have not read all the replies, but remember seeing some awhile ago saying they could not finish it. That actually surprises me. I thought it was one of the better entries..., but for a first draft I think you did a very good job.
Thank you. That means a lot to me.

If I were to complain about the assignment given, I would say this one was more action than thriller.
Yeahhhh. Guilty I'm afraid.
Think this story could be "thrillered up"?

I liked the three main characters. My only objection to Madison's portrayal would be her crying in the wear house. I think she should be tougher than that. All women don't cry as soon as things get tough. I know I don't.
Good. Understood. Deal. They don't. Cause yerrr tough! GRRRRR!!!!
Okey doke. I'm modelling Maddy after you on the re-write.
No. Really.
I am.

I see that you have a bunch of actresses pictured at the beginning of your thread. I would sternly suggest that you quit fantasizing about who's going to direct your film and who's going to act in it. Create the characters and the story vision how you imagine them fresh from your head. Not a fantasy line up. I really think that hinders the creativity.
I think we're looking at this from different vantage points.
Directors and cast are not fantasizing any more than you fantasize about your kids eating anything you lay before them.
Pfft. Kids are kids. They're gonna eat what they consider edible.
There's no sense in putting brussel sprouts with liver and onion in front of them if everyone knows they aren't going to eat it.
I have a fairly decent idea of a Nora Ephron film from a Michael Bay film from a Clint Eastwood film.
I have a pretty good idea what range to expect from Tom Hanks, Seymour Hoffman and Megan Fox. (Cough! Ack!)
The story creates itself. The people that would naturally fit inside the situation create themselves.
However, to maintain continuity of character throughout the length of the story I can't help but find pegs to fit into holes. Actors and Directors.
I know Woody Allen would just have a silly cop shoot a hole in a cab.
I know Jerry Bruckheimer would have Conan-the-cop blast it with a RPG.
I know Tim Burton would have the cop stick a black and white ringed tongue across the road and poke the bad guy in the eye.
I write the story according to how the genre director would do it. Give or take.
You're thinking I cherry pick actors and such beforehand.
I'm explaining that they fall somewhere in the middle of the story to maintain continuity.
Two different things.
You can't read "Big Frankie" and not tell me you can't see and hear Vince Vaughn, right?
He'd be perfect.

pg   1.  At the bottom of the page, I think you need to describe the area of the prison we are in better. Just having a guard replace a pocket bible doesn't tell me were we are or anything.
Agreed. Done.

pg   2.  Normally you don't start with dialogue directly after a scene heading.
Understood.

Not going to comment on format (P.O.V.) or style since that apparently has gone out of style...
I've thought of this one point of yours all day long, and it's legit, but I want to... confer with you on this for a moment.
I'm probably bass ackwards wrong, but.. we'll see.

If the story had a character inside his ocean cruiser cabin looking out the window - would it be okay to depict an island or other ship passing across the window?
If the story had a character inside an office building looking out the corner window - would it be okay to depict a flock of birds flying by or Godzilla walking by the window?
Likewise, If the story had a character inside a car looking out the window - would it be okay to depict everything outside spinning or a car rolling by the window?
Yes? No? I dunno?

You do need to describe Jo however. Right now I have no idea if it's a he or she. Okay, I see that you did, but you should do it before she starts talking.
Gotcha. Will do.

pg   4.  Did I miss something here? There was automatic fire coming from the overturned car, but yet there was only one survivor and he's strapped to a gurney. Who's doing the shooting from the crashed car?
Yeah you missed something.
Lettuce see if we can remedy this:
Light fog blankets the early morning road side scene. On the
road top their ambulance flashes its strobes. A second
ambulance SIREN approaches.

Crown Vic is smashed into a large tree down a low, weeded
shoulder.

Mike works his way around through the tall weeds to Jo.
Together they place a c-collar on the survivor.

A second ambulance stops at the large sedan resting upside
down on road top center line.
The crashed Crown Vic with one survivor is in the grassy ditch.
The overturned sedan is still up on the road.
Two vehicles. Same accident scene.

pg   7.  Nice turn of events, but who the hell is Paul? Again, you need to introduce characters properly to minimize confusion.
Okay. Clear.

pg  13.  I'm going to assume Madison is wearing a bullet proof vest...
As per regs.

Some of your descriptions can be hard to follow sometimes.
"The blue car slowly bends to the right as the ambulance wheels smoke. The moment the car’s dead weight releases the ambulance jolts forward into spectating traffic."  I'm not an English expert, but it seems to me that there should be some commas or something in there to help clear things up. There are quite a few descriptions like that that I have to reread in order to fully get. It slows down the read and the flow of the story.
If it's confusing then... it's confusing. I plead nolo.
I don't know if it does any good to break these two sentences down.
If it's not clear - THEN SH!T!
The blue car slowly bends to the right as the ambulance wheels smoke.
Blue car has come to a stop at the hood of the ambulance.
Madison just painted its front seat with lead. Blue car is dead weight now.
Mike stomps on the gas.
The ambulance goes forward.
The blue car is blocking them.
Since Madison has blown out it's driver's side tires it's weight will have shifted in that direction.
Push on it's front with the ambulance and it will... slowly bend to the right.
The moment the car’s dead weight releases the ambulance jolts forward into spectating traffic.
Eventually the ambulance pushes the blue car so far to the right that it - is out of the way.
The dead weight releases the ambulance.
The ambulance lurches or jolts forward.
Who's watching all this?
The spectating traffic/drivers that slammed on their brakes when all this crazy sh!t began.

HOWEVER, all this dissection doesn't mean diddly if I riddled the entire script with such.
ARGH!!!
What to do? What to do? Rats! Seems simple to me. I dunno. I'll figure out something.

pg  14. Why not go to a different hospital? Seems more logical since Paul isn't that critical...
No one notices the shot to hell ambulance?
They did.
Original destination was North Central (pg 7).
Bypass the cop/gang war onto Mercy General (pg 16).
Madison eyeballs the ring of bullet holes in the roof and figures someone else might figure the same so she asks Jo what's on the south side of the city: South Memorial hospital (pg 24), their new destination.

pg  16.  One question here. I'm no expert so I'm only asking out of curiosity. If a key witness is almost killed in an accident while on his way to court, would they really drop a case? It seems that would definitely go under some special exception rule or something.
I'm no legal expert, but a collection of circumstantial evidence that cannot be corroborated or substantiated with evidence or testimony will lead to a case being dismissed.
Paul Rossio's deposition would have provided both that information as well as a ton of new leads for the FBI to investigate an ever expanding dragnet.
If Paul can't provide names of prison officials, La eMe heads or Mexican drug cartel heads then there is no case, no leads and he gets no witness protection, but since he's done been caught (or worse, he gave himself up) he can't go back out on the street either.
Not to mention Jo's career is down the tubes.

Also, I know who Parker and Cruz are and that's what you called them in your action paragraphs until this page. Now you're calling someone Sam. Who is Sam? Do I have to go back and try to find his intro somewhere? Better to be consistent in order to avoid confusion.
Yes. I'll rectify that.

pg  27.  The dialogue that starts on page 26 and goes on through page 27 can probably be cut. IMHO, it doesn't really do much.
But I gotta get my supporting actress behind the wheel! Girl's gotta drive!

pg  29.  Not really necessary to tell us Jo can't see the green sedan because the ambulance is missing the rearview mirror.
RRRGH! I can't tell what you readers can and can't keep up with!
Sometimes I get dinged on providing too much info.
Other times I get dinged for providing not enough.
How do you advise?

Seems like they've been on this exit ramp a long time. How long is this thing? And how many of them are there?
Off the highway into the grass (pg 29).
Down exit ramp #1, WHOOP! WHOOP! through the intersection, up the entry ramp and then onto the highway grass (pg 30).
Pg 32 "The ambulance rattles toward the next exit ramp.", #2, yellow low-rider hits black Beamer, up that entry ramp back onto the highway (pg 33).
Then they get caught under the bridge at the next intersection, third ramp.

pg  30.  Would Jo really keep saying Yessir to her dad? A couple of times is okay, but all the times makes it look as if he's the one demanding to be addressed that way. At least to me.
Sorry.
Military household.
Junior addresses senior as Sir or Ma'am.
However, I'll prune it back a good bit.

pg  31. Not sure we need the "can't hear dialogue".  It doesn't lead the story anywhere, but it wasn't that funny either. You have some snappy lines in this script, but that was not one of them.
I'm shocked and amazed you don't appreciate smart a$$ humor.
Otherwise, thank you for the snappy lines compliment.

I like this script, I really do. At least so far, but I'm starting to think this is turning into a seemingly endless chase scene.
Technically they don't know they're being chased.
But we do, so I see your point just the same.
I tried to break it up with courthouse, boat and helicopter scenes.
See if the following chart does any help.

I can't remember the exact amount of minutes now, but there's a rule somewhere in the world of entertainment about how long someone can stay excited. We get an adrenaline rush which is what we like. However after 9 minutes or so (I think it was) our adrenaline levels subside. Even if we're still in the same situation. That's also why roller coasters don't go on longer than that particular number of minutes because they don't want you to start getting bored at the end of the ride. We need a break for a few minutes here and there so we can get that rush again. I'm on page 33 and there has been no let up in the action so far.
Understood loud and clear.
That's a very well known phenomenon that I tried to circumvent with dialog and setting changes.
Due to concern over your observation I went back and charted out in half-page increments events and dialog of ACT I to see how demanding I was of the viewer.

Blue blocks are stone cold non-action events.
Yellow blocks are kinda active or at least mildly stressful events.
Orange blocks involve shooting, explosions or imminent peril.

Guilty?
Not guilty?
Break it up some more?
Whatchuthink?

pg  42.  Finally we're parked. Good show, but way too long....
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Take a break. But don't get comfortable.
Things are gonna get weird all of a sudden.

pg  43.  What happened to Paul? Not just now, but during the chase too. We haven't seen or heard from him in pages.
Understood. Gotta give Paul some dialog.
He's one of the story's biggest weak points.
I'm gonna overhaul Paul. Make him more of a Frankenstein's monster.

pg  47.  "When she reaches to pull herself up Frankie momentarily looks to Mike and speaks loud enough for Jo to hear." She who?
Jo; reaching to pull herself up into the back of the ambulance to unlock the gurney.

A lot of talking and exposition by Frankie...
Ideas on what to edit out?

pg  60.  What was that whole strip thing about? What was its purpose?
For Frankie to demonstrate that they are not in control of their lives any more.
To humiliate them.
Dance or get shot. Pick one.

pg  64.  It's been 22 pages since they rolled into the warhorse. That's a VERY long time to spend there. Especially since it's mostly Frankie talking. I think you can ditch that whole part about filming the torture and such. I'm not really seeing why they want to drag this on so much. I guess they aren't afraid at all that authorities will show up. Didn't anyone notice the helicopter? I don't find it believable that they carry on like there's no need to hurry at all.
That's just it. They're not in any hurry.
Box of zip-ties already waiting? This is regularly occurring event in this warehouse.
Helicopters conduct surveillance very high up in a situation like this.

pg  69.  Whoa! That argument and shot came out of nowhere and didn't really work for me.
I thought that could cut either way.
Left field good surprise.
Left field BS surprise.
I'd like a consensus on that, otherwise I can easily have the cartel come in already embroiled in a petty argument with Max telling his little flesh peddling b!tches to shut up.

pg  73.  Why are they unlocking Paul? Is he a good guy now? Not in custody?
A: He's not demonstrated any "bad guy" behavior since Jo & Mike picked him up.
B: As their patient he still remains their responsibility to at least try to get him to safety rather than just saying "Sux 2BU!"
C: Nah, he's still a bad guy. Legally. But are you the same you if you don't remember all of your past evil deeds? Or are you someone different, now?
D: Still in custody, they just don't want to leave him to a certain death. He's been nothing but nice to them.
E: He shot some bad guys in the office to help them escape, so I guess he's on their team now. Yay!!

The escape in the truck scene leaves me wondering why they were not fired upon my police? Couldn't they have shown themselves to police and let them handle the situation. Seems weird that they could just drive a big truck right out of there without being noticed.
BS movie magic, I admit.
Theoretically the cops are busy shooting it out with the La eMe gang members and the big truck is going too fast for them to do much about it.
Surely they'd chase them all the way to the hospital just down the road.
I'll make mention that as they're all fighting inside the cab that Jo can see the B&W cop cars encircling the big rig yelling on their PA's to pull over - but she's gotta get Paul to the hospital just right down the road! It's only a block away! Or two.

pg  81.  Groan...at the dialogue...  Followed by way too much exposition. Is this now a story that's going to preach to us about what's wrong with our court and prison systems?

Now it's a political preaching?
I ran outta time! I ran outta time!
Rush job! Rush job!
Will try to spread out the pugilistic dialog on re-write.

pg  90.  Where is Falcon parked?
PDF 88
The charcoal SUV leaves one parking lot across the street,
drives up the street a few hundred yards to another parking
lot, Falcon takes a ticket then backs-up into a lot.

A moment later the rear passenger window lowers four inches.
PDF 91
Through the thermal scope mounted atop the 50cal. rifle
Falcon watches two upright blobs enter room 612 manuvering a
bed. Occupant remains unclear.
He's parked across the street from the hospital targeting to shoot Paul through the building's wall up on the sixth floor with one of these:

http://images.google.com/image.....=barret&gs_rfai=
It ought to do the trick.

pg  91. Madison is running. I thought she was hurt and lying on an ER bed. Did I miss something?
She's getting X-Rayed but she's okay and just waiting to be released.

What's the BOOM! in Pike's dialogue?
Pike firing while running and talking on the cell.
I'll fix that.

I hope the following comments are helpful to you.
I can't believe you said that.
I'm stunned.
Are you whack?
I'm on my knees thanking you for your input!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

There are too d@mn many male action heroes.
There are too few female action hero roles.
They are the sweet loving roles, the nurturing roles, the slut/bimbo/b!tch/hag roles.
GD! Can't a girl investigate, think, shoot, ride a bike and kick a$$ like anyone else?

I d@mn near depend upon your, Catherine and Khamanna's POVs for this project.
I don't think it's possible to provide too much data input.
Did you see Madison scratching her balls when she spit?

YES your comments are "helpful".