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Lapse - 7WC by Ray - Thriller - FBI agent Elliot fights the Mexican drug cartel and American mafia to save the life of an informant to uncover the mole somewhere inside the US Marshals or the FBI itself. Instead, she uncovers a greater conspiracy. 101 pages - pdf, format
A simple, yet multi-elemented story. PG-13 action & language. Nothing for little kids or highbrow critics. Great for the $5 WalMart bin. Runnin' and gunnin' with a fair bit of humor thrown in. No smattering the camera lens with brains and blood. $30 - $60M budget.
The following actors display the personalities and demographics of the characters in the story. Madison Elliot - Diane Kruger , Hillary Swank, Amanda Peet , Rachel McAdams
Jo Parker - Amanda Seyfried , Emma Roberts
Mike Brady - Justin Long , Joseph Gordon Levitt
Paul "Goldie" Rossio - Javier Bardem , Jeremy Piven
Sam Parker - Liam Neeson , Jeff Bridges , Hugh Laurie
Big Frankie - Penn Jillette , Vince Vaughn Liev Schreiber , Clive Owen
Max - Luis Guzman
I generic anyone else for any of the other characters. Nothing special unless someone comes to your mind. I'm all ears, so to speak.
Comparable films and styles: Shooter: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooter_(film) Lame, but made a buck. The Kingdom http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Kingdom_(film) I love this film. Pretty sure this story ain't nowhere near it, but I like the craftsmanship and hope to emulate. The Sentinel http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sentinel_(2006_film) I'm afraid this story is too close to something of this caliber. Been there. Done that. It was luke-warm this time. "Lapse" ain't makin' it any better. Whatchagonnado? I'm pretty sure this can't be kicked up into a Lethal Weapon orbit, but the pace and humor should be about the same/similar.
Not a lot of CGI. Soundtrack could go a long way. Kinda my biggest weak spot, anyway.
Please help get me there. Thank you for reading. Sincerely.
I don't know, man, but Jeff would laugh his head off at your last post.
I just skimmed through your first page. I think there's a better way to show convoys departing at three different locations. It just feels weird on screen when you have three consecutive titles but then they all look the same.
I'll finish reading yours asap.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Oh I got quite a snicker when I saw that post, Herman. Still giggling like a school girl, actually.
I also read the first page, and had the exact thoughts...and about 24 more. I don't think Ray wants me to comment on his script, so I'll stay quiet as a mouse. I'll try to at least.
That would help you get a sense of tone and develop one of your own. You use way too many words in the first dozen or so pages that say one thing: we have a witness we need to protect.
I don't know much at all about the characters in these pages. I do know we're in for a lot of shooting and crashed cars. Be careful because that gets old quick.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/16_Blocks >> 16 Blocks received mixed to negative reviews. On review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes, it has an 56% rating from critics, 51% among professional critics, with the following consensus: "Despite strong performances from Bruce Willis and Mos Def, 16 Blocks is a shopworn entry in the buddy-action genre.."<<
I have run across A LOT of supporting evidence that this entire genre just REALLY REALLLY isn't all that commercially successful.
So, would it be prudent just say "Screwit"?
People like RomComs - and - GORE! Any mash-ups there?! LOL!
16 Blocks received mixed to negative reviews. On review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes, it has an 56% rating from critics, 51% among professional critics, with the following consensus: "Despite strong performances from Bruce Willis and Mos Def, 16 Blocks is a shopworn entry in the buddy-action genre.."<<
I have run across A LOT of supporting evidence that this entire genre just REALLY REALLLY isn't all that commercially successful.
The genre wasn't the reason why 16 Blocks got such negative reviews. The story was. You can put all the perfume and makeup you want on a chunk of shit, it's still a chunk of shit.
Okey-dokey.
I read 6 pages of Lapse, skimmed another 4 before I put it don't down and ran away. The way this script is written and formated is just is just not my thing. Maybe you've got a great story here, maybe you don't - I'll never know.
I do know your first page turned me off right away. The three trucks arriving at the different prisons, you just copy-pasted that and it looks and reads terrible. Mix it up a little. Make it visual interesting (and, please, don't come back with "Yeah, but on screen three different prisons look like... three different prisons!" - cos' on the page, and that's what you should be concerning yourself with, the three prisons don't look like anything).
While technically an agency of the Department of Homeland Security, the U.S. Customs and Border Protection runs the border crossing - not a Homeland Security team (what ever the hell that is). Mistakes like that really rub the wrong way, especially when it's so easy to research in this day and age. Write what know - research what you don't.
The prison sequence is severely under-written. It reads like a poorly formatted montage (or series of shots if you like). Pkg? I imagine you mean a package, right? Then why not just write that instead of coming across like a kid text messaging his buddy?
Page 2.
Very slow fade in? Wrong. Leave the editing to the editors. That's not to say that you can't write a very slow fade in sequence though. It's actually quite easy when you think about it. Show - don't tell.
Quoted Text
MIKE (V.O.) Shocking and amazing. Driver didn�t make it.
JO (V.O.) Amazing and shocking. No better down here. Gun!
And that's where I lost all interest in your script.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
Ray, I honestly went into this with an open mind and hope to give you some honest feedback, the good news is that you're stuff is getting more readable, the bad news is that it still needs so much work. I know this was written quickly so I'll forget about the formatting issues, but that wasn't my main issue.
The second I started to get into a scene, you're dialogue would put me off...everyone spoke the same and it felt like I was listening to my 8th grade guidance counselor spew out cheesy dialogue. If your story isn't a true comedy I'd try to have every bit of your characters speech reveal something about the story or move the plot forward. Since this isn't a straight up comedy, there's a lot that could be cut, especially since a lot of what you have in here doesn't read as funny. Maybe that's just my opinion, but I doubt it.
At least this one was easier to follow. Your formatting has improved 100%. Congrats on that. High five!!! Now quit spending hours on end looking up random stuff online and read a book on screenwriting.
I was initially impressed by your set up, you set a nice pace with your action, but boy oh boy did that get old quick. Too many bullets riddling the sides of cars, etc, it got real old, real quick.
Mike's "grand theft auto" reaction line to "where'd you learn to drive that", was recently in the trailer/movie "the other guys", do a fancy look up on imdb if you feel like it, maybe that snuck into your subconscious without you knowing, but that line was in a well advertised trailer/movie (check imdb. or box office mojo, $100 million and counting) within the last 2 months. If studio readers see something that unoriginal within the first 12 pages, they are very unlikely to give the rest of your script a fair look.
If you can please take one single thing that I have say to heart (re: your 1st post about actors and budget considerations)....Ray, just write a script about a movie that you would ACTUALLY ENJOY and would actually like to see. It seems like you are trying to write cookie cutter scripts that fill a need in the marketplace. Unless you have a high-concept idea no one's going to listen.
A question, and I hope you respond. What are a few of your favorite movies? What inspires you to write? What movies inspire you? Is your motivation $ or trying to create art or something you're truly proud of?
Try to feed off what you loved in those movies that you love and have it influence your scripts. It seems like you're trying to approach screenwriting from a business perspective and as a result your scripts come off as less than genuine. No offense. I just think I'm saying what most people on the site are thinking. Nate.
The genre wasn't the reason why 16 Blocks got such negative reviews. The story was. You can put all the perfume and makeup you want on a chunk of shit, it's still a chunk of shit. http://www.the-numbers.com/market/Genres/ The average gross of thrillers is the second lowest of the major genres. Factor in a guesstimated cost/benefit or ROI and it gets kinda spooky. It's more like a cup of loose squirt than a chunk of sh!t. No perfume. It is what it is.
I read 6 pages of Lapse, skimmed another 4 before I put it don't down and ran away. The way this script is written and formated is just is just not my thing. Maybe you've got a great story here, maybe you don't - I'll never know. I appreciate you trying. Thank you.
Quoted Text
The three trucks arriving at the different prisons, you just copy-pasted that and it looks and reads terrible. Mix it up a little. Make it visual interesting... cos' on the page, and that's what you should be concerning yourself with, the three prisons don't look like anything).
The prison sequence is severely under-written. It reads like a poorly formatted montage (or series of shots if you like).
Very slow fade in? Wrong. Leave the editing to the editors. That's not to say that you can't write a very slow fade in sequence though. It's actually quite easy when you think about it. Show - don't tell.
This is one of the more interesting things I run across. In the first statement the objection is the story is under-directed. In the subsequent statement the objection is the story is over-directed. RRRGH! And then the frustrating part is I'm told to "Show-don't tell." Will you please show a brief suggestion. Thank you.
While technically an agency of the Department of Homeland Security, the U.S. Customs and Border Protection runs the border crossing. Funny. I started my search for the correct organization with Customs, couldn't find a definitive answer, said screwit, and lumped it up the chain. Gracias for the issue clarity!
Pkg? I imagine you mean a package, right? Then why not just write that instead. Yes & corrected. One of a thousand of the other typos I see in this 7WC rough completed in 4+wks.
Thank you very much for reading the first six pages and a skim of the next four. Corrections appreciated.
Not under-directed, Ray, under-written. The opening scenes are way too vague. You want the reader to create a somewhat clear mental picture of the scenes but it's impossible, imo, from what you've written. It doesn't have to be overly detailed, it just has to be clear. This is even more true when introducing new characters in new settings. That should, at the very minimum, include the following:
- Where are we - What does it look like - Who's there - What are they doing
If your intention for the first page was to write a sort of quick scene shifting chain of events, you could write it (and format it) as a SERIES OF SHOT but I would advise against it cos' if the first page doesn't show off your incredible writing skills while setting the tone for the script, then there's really no reason for the reader to turn the page.
Take the scenes with the trucks. Obviously some shady shit is going on so why not show that? Why not show the driver of the truck all nervous while the Customs agent inspects his truck? Why not show some shady characters load the boxes into the trucks while constantly looking over their shoulders to see if anybody's watching? That way you set a tone for the story and you create a sense of foreboding the reader's mind that something bad is going down and they can't wait to find out what it is. What you have now is a very dry opening with zero emotions - in my opinion.
Regarding the "very slow fade in", aks yourself if it's even needed. Does the story fall apart without it? Does it even add anything? And correct me if I'm wrong, but what you're looking for is not a "very slow fade in", you're looking for the sensation of a guy - all banged up - coming back to conscienceness after a car accident. Right?
Example:
Quoted Text
The Crown Vic crashes to a bone shattering stop, airbags explode.
CUT TO BLACK:
A shimmer of light. Distant noises. Blurry outlines. Distorted colors. More light. Faint voices. Contours take shape. Reveals:
INT. CROWN VIC - DAY
Bloodshot EYES track a pair of LEGS through a broken windshield as they make their way around the front of the upside-down car.
MIKE (O.S.) Shocking and amazing. Driver didn’t make it.
A SOUND from the rear slides the eyes to the right.
JO (O.S.) Amazing and shocking. No better down here. Gun!
I didn't feel like changing the dialogue...but you definitely should. I mean, who talks like that?
Hope this helps.
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
- Where are we Prisons across America - What does it look like People doing their job - Who's there Border patrol, tuckers, prison employees and inmates - What are they doing Trafficking 90% of the drugs in prison
but I would advise against it cos' if the first page doesn't show off your incredible writing skills while setting the tone for the script, This is the background. The environment. The situation at hand. It's a nationwide "epidemic".
What you have now is a very dry opening with zero emotions - in my opinion. Good. That's exactly what I wanted. IRL there is a lot of shady sh!t going on. Day in. Day out. It goes on amongst the majority of regular people doing their regular job. The shady sh!t itself is performed by regular people doing their illicit regular job. The ones that look all nervous get caught. I don't want stage play. I want real life... selectively. It's the cool and cold SOBs that get the work done. Trucks go in. Trucks go out. People check lists. Your neighbors unload the truck. Your local business professionals distribute it. Here. There. All across the nation. For decades. In this case, amongst prisons across the US. Dry as dirt. That's why I wanted to run through it quick. No glamor. No pretense.
Start with serious => transition to silly => bait with some serious => provide relief. Relentless, 100% heavy sh!t wears down an audience. Even the beginning of Hurt Locker had the guys BSing. Same, if only in intent.
Regarding the "very slow fade in", aks yourself if it's even needed. Yes. It is appropriate. No regular FADE IN.
you're looking for the sensation of a guy - all banged up - coming back to conscienceness after a car accident. Right? Right. See above. Start with a lot of audio, begin some out of focus/distorted visual then sharpen up.
A shimmer of light. Distant noises. Blurry outlines. Distorted colors. More light. Faint voices. Contours take shape. Reveals: Beautiful. Thank you.
I didn't feel like changing the dialogue...but you definitely should. I mean, who talks like that? Seriously? People that use a false disdain or a flippant sense of humor to protect their emotions from a job immersed in lunacy. How many smashed, crashed, toasted, shot, stabbed, hanged, drowned dead people would you have to see for a few years in a row to bifurcate your sense of normalcy? Meet Jo & Mike. All the deadly serious rubbish you see on TV medial shows like ER and Hawthorne are about as legit as cocking revolvers and pumping shotguns with shells already in the breach. PFFT! Ha!
Seriously, Rob - I appreciate your work here with me. Thank you.
Unfortunately, I didn't quite make it through this whole script either, Ray.
I won't bring up the first page because, well, everyone has mentioned how important it is. Seeing that repetition there did not entice me to read. But read I did anyway.
I think there's some times when your writing sparkles. I thought some of your dialogue was pretty good. Then other times I just feel like you're including too much exposition. Then there's the times like
PAUL I... I don’t remember! I don’t know... anything?!
or
MADISON Yeah. My entire career hangs on the names he was going to give your dad this morning and... this is... bad.
When I just want to go Tsk, Tsk. Very on the nose and should be approached differently. That second one was when I stopped reading btw.
As far as the action goes, I thought it was a bit blocky. Try to write your action a more vertically. That will give it the feel of moving faster.
I'm sure you have a good story in here but I feel like you're trying to force it rather than let it happen naturally. I think you do have some talent for doing this however, so keep writing and find your personal voice because that's when the fun really starts.
You're missing my point. It's not about 16 Blocks being good or not. It's about what the writing colors for you.
Gotcha. Yeah, I missed your point the first go round.
You're writing is sterile. I'm saying jazz it up. You write an action picture and you say "PING." Previously I was getting pounded for TOO MUCH description. It was pointed out by multiple SSers that much of what I was polluting the story was for the director to fool with. So I sterilized it. Just like you said. I wrote this with no more than what a director would need to know. If a character jumps I wrote just that. Pistol fire inside a closed space echoes as BOOM! Pistol fire outside goes CRACK! Pistol fire hits metal tubes it goes... PING!
Seems I gotta find just the right amount of salt & spice to please the bulk of the bell curve.
Point made. Will work on figuring that out. Thank you.
Unfortunately, I didn't quite make it through this whole script either, Ray. Thank you for for giving it a stab, just the same, and your remarks that follow.
I won't bring up the first page because, well, everyone has mentioned how important it is. No sense in beating a dead horse. I always find that kinda crazy. Kudos.
Very on the nose and should be approached differently. That second one was when I stopped reading btw. Yeahhhh. That one snags my eye something ugly, as well, for the same ridiculous reason. Workin' on it.
As far as the action goes, I thought it was a bit blocky. Try to write your action a more vertically. Quick and dirty: How does vertical writing differ, while being mindful of cloroxmartini's observation about the sterility of the writing?
Re-read your comments and reconsidered what your intent may have been on one of your points.
This is even more true when introducing new characters in new settings. That should, at the very minimum, include the following:
Not the intro, but rather on the characters?
- Where are we two car accident - What does it look like foggy, one car in the ditch, the other flipped over and an ambulance with a second approaching - Who's there two paramedics, three dead men and one waking one - What are they doing looking for survivors, finding only one
To present these elements more clearly what other approaches should be considered? Thank you.
Had a quick scan. Not bad. But, let's face some facts. This'll cost a lot. Mucho spondoolies. Is it the best it can be? Hmmm.
Some advice from a shitekicker from nowhere fast? Dragged up in Manc.
Needs more work. And thought. Imagine you are in the audience for the preview sat beside Charlie. Kaufman. Don't cough. The other side is himself - Clint. Nearby is Phillip Seymour. Hoffman. Stephen, Stanley and Dave. The Finch. Now then. How good is it now? Really? It ain't Inception. Nolan's on holiday with Queen.
Love and Kisses
R xo.
Oh, and Take Care. Karl sends his love. He's busy with Janine. In a cellar near you.
Had a quick scan. Not bad. But, let's face some facts. This'll cost a lot. Mucho spondoolies. Is it the best it can be? Hmmm. As cited in that first HIDEOUS post: PG-13 action & language. Nothing for little kids or highbrow critics. Great for the $5 WalMart bin. Runnin' and gunnin' with a fair bit of humor thrown in. No smattering the camera lens with brains and blood. $30 - $60M budget.
I didn't wanna pretend to be Kubrick. This is action/thriller grindhouse schlock. Unabashedly. My target audience are the consumers with 250 DVDs, mostly watched only once. Movie hoarders.
Some advice from a shitekicker from nowhere fast? Dragged up in Manc. Don't... know what that means. LOL!
Needs more work. And thought. Imagine you are in the audience for the preview sat beside Charlie. Kaufman. Don't cough. The other side is himself - Clint. Nearby is Phillip Seymour. Hoffman. Stephen, Stanley and Dave. The Finch. Now then. How good is it now? Really? It ain't Inception. Nolan's on holiday with Queen. Yes, Yes, Indeed not and Is that so? See above. (Kaufman might enjoy it, BTW.)
Love and Kisses Right back atcha, love.
Oh, and Take Care. Karl sends his love. He's busy with Janine. In a cellar near you. Thanks. Please tell him the llamas are still in Memphis. Give J a kiss 4 me. Cheers
I sincerely need... assistance in grasping a better, generally accepted way of describing things. It seems like the SS alumni get together behind closed doors and plot to run nubes around in some sort of insane fraternity hazing ritual with conflicting and contradictory suggestions/requests/demands.
From Dona Marina:Origins, Bert posted: And once again, during the trade talks, you give too many extraneous details. Again, a lop by half would serve this well.
You contributed: A reader wants a story - nothing else. So does the director. They both want the same thing. The director should be deciding shots, where sounds come in, etc - not you.
Rob/Sniper Alas, you're still stuck in overwriting-mode. You take up a good portion of the script with descriptions... that are really not needed. Some of them are, sure, but you should consider cutting it down to a couple of paragraphs.
From Lapse, Herman posted; I think there's a better way to show convoys departing at three different locations... you have three consecutive titles but then they all look the same.
Rob: The three trucks arriving at the different prisons, you just copy-pasted that and it looks and reads terrible. Mix it up a little. Make it visual interesting
The prison sequence is severely under-written.
Very slow fade in? Wrong... "A shimmer of light. Distant noises. Blurry outlines. Distorted colors. More light. Faint voices. Contours take shape."
The opening scenes are way too vague... It doesn't have to be overly detailed, it just has to be clear.
Yourself: Try to write your action a more vertically. That will give it the feel of moving faster.
Cloroxmartini: You're writing is sterile. I'm saying jazz it up. You write an action picture and you say "PING."
Lop in half. Just give us the story. Unneeded descriptions. (Man, that word looks funny) They all look the same. Mix it up. Make it interesting. It's under-written. Change VERY SLOW FADE IN (four words) to shimmer/noises/outlines/colors/more light/voices/shapes (edited down from two lines) Scenes too vague. Make it vertical. Writing is sterile. Jazz it up.
Am I effectively communicating the contradictory info I'm receiving?
I hope you guys can tell I really am paying attention and remembering what everyone is generously imparting. I'll never disrespect you by not listening.
I'm a smart guy. I need an explanation... what was it Rob said? "It doesn't have to be overly detailed, it just has to be clear."
I sincerely need... assistance in grasping a better, generally accepted way of describing things. It seems like the SS alumni get together behind closed doors and plot to run nubes around in some sort of insane fraternity hazing ritual with conflicting and contradictory suggestions/requests/demands.
Am I effectively communicating the contradictory info I'm receiving?
Ray, I can see how it might appear confusing but I don't think the advice you are getting is as contradictory as you think. If someone is telling you to jazz up your writing it doesn't mean you need to provide more description, just that what you are describing should be more interesting or lively.
By choosing your words carefully you can be economical with your descriptions but still make it exciting to read. Just because you get advised not to put in camera directions and transitions and other things that a director will add, doesn't mean you only need to write a bland set of instructions for the director to follow. If the story doesn't jump off the page and grab our interest it will never get to the stage of being seen by a director.
It kind of seems like you are over thinking things, and instead of focusing purely on the story you are pre-occupied with marketing campaigns, industry jargon and quoting random stuff you see online that really has nothing to do with spec scripts. Leave all that stuff to the producers and just focus on your story and characters.
And remember that it takes time to really become a good writer. It isn't going to just happen straight away. Everyone on here is always learning and looking to improve. Nobody on here is perfect and nobody expects you to be either. Just be patient and keep writing and try to find your own voice. Most pro writers say that their first few screenplays sucked. You'll get a handle on it the more you write and by reading more scripts. Think of what kind of stories you want to tell and go read up on some screenplays in that genre and learn from them.
Listen, man, I know you hate me and don’t want to listen to anything I have to say, but you definitely seem like someone who wants advice and guidance, and you seem to seek out information like a Private Dick, so, like it or not, I’m going to offer some up.
I’m only reading your first 2 pages, because that’s all I can get through, but I can help, if you let me. You’re going to hear a bunch of things you haven’t heard from anyone else, along with a few things that you’ve heard from everyone else.
You’ve stated again and again that you’re getting conflicting advice from everyone. I’d agree to a point, but that makes sense. Everyone is different and everyone writes differently. There are certain dos and don’ts in screenwriting. Period. You may see Pro writers breaking these “rules” all the time, but that doesn’t mean you should. You need to find your own voice, and it will most likely come from reading other scripts. You’ll know what you like and what you don’t like, and eventually, you’ll come up with a style that suits you, and there you go, you’ll be off.
My first piece of advice is to start out small…write a simple short script, with only a few characters in a few settings, involved in a simple plot. If you can’t do that, there’s no way in Hell you’re going to be able to pull off a country hopping high speed thriller. It just ain’t gonna happen, bud. Walk first, then get up to a slow jog, then open it up and let it scream.
OK, let’s get to this script.
Page 1 – You always want to start with a “FADE IN:” in the upper left corner.
Your initial SLUG is already an issue, IMO. “U.S. MEXICO BORDER CROSSING” – Which one? You know there are many, and it makes a difference if you’re going to go for a realistic touch, which you seem to want to do, based on the following SLUGS of the various, exact prisons. Also, it’s just not a very good detailed SLUG to open up with, really. You state it’s on the US side in a description line, but we wouldn’t know that from the SLUG.
The opening passage is also not good. The first sentence is a run-on sentence that is very awkward. The 2nd sentence is also poor, and as Rob pointed out, it’s not even accurate. So, IMO, things are not looking good at all, and we’re only 1 SLUG and 2 sentences into the script.
Next passage is also poorly written. When you intro a character, you have to CAP his name, whether or not you actually named him. I’m talking about the officer here. You mention crossing into the US in both passages, which is an issue. If you properly set your scene with a better SLUG, you (and we) would know that we’re already in the US, on the border, in an inspection station of some kind. I think you’d actually have to do a little research to figure out exactly what this place is, etc.
OK, so now we go to a “WAREHOUSE”, and it’s night all of a sudden. Again, you offer zero info as to where this place is, but of all the goofy places to do illegal things (and we know they’re up to something), they’re doing it outside! Why would they do this outside a warehouse, as opposed to inside it, where they can’t be seen so easily?
Check out your passage under this new SLUG.
“Boxes from that same truck are unloaded into multiple vehicles. They depart.”
What same truck? How are we supposed to know that? And even worse, you showed 2 trucks in the first scene, and you didn’t describe either, so we have no visual to tie either truck to this one here. You’re also not describing these “vehicles”, or who or how these boxes are being unloaded from the truck and loaded into these vehicles. The scene you described in 1 ½ lines will take much longer onscreen to show than the lines suggest, which means to me that it’s way underwritten. The boxes are being unloaded by people, right? You didn’t intro or mention a single sole. That’s a problem. You see what I’m saying?
My suggestion is to come up with a look for the initial truck(s). Maybe they’re all the same in their markings. It’s got to be something that we’ll recognize when we see them again.
Next, we’re in Beaumont, TX, and we’re somehow supposed to recognize 1 of the vehicles at the warehouse, which you didn’t describe.
Then, a few seconds later, we’re in Tucson, AZ, and it’s an identically written scene, just a different prison.
And, then, we hit Marion, IL, of all places.
So, what’s wrong with these scenes? A LOT! First of all, you’ve got 3 SUPERS in less than 30 seconds…maybe, based on the writing, in less than 15 seconds. That’s not going to look good at all. If anything, it will look super cheesy, and cringe worthy. Next, is something you may not have even thought about, and it goes back to what I said originally about not properly setting your opening SLUG. Where is this warehouse, and what border crossing are we at? Tucson and Beaumont are 1,100 miles apart. Tucson and Marion are 1,600 miles apart. And finally, Beaumont and Marion, are 750 miles apart. You see what I’m getting at? You’ve got these vehicles all arriving at the prisons, in what seems to be the same time. I don’t know how much thought you put into this, but it doesn’t seem like much, and attention to detail either works for you or against you.
Now, here’s the amazing thing. After using SUPERS to show your audience each prison and what it looks like, your next SLUG is a generic “PRISON”, meaning we don’t know which prison we’re even at, and we don’t have a clue where in the prison this is happening. You didn’t intro your characters properly here again, because you didn’t CAP their names. For some reason, you’re writing in some sort of short hand, which reads poorly, IMO. And what’s with an actual homemade abbreviation? Dude, you can’t do that shit…pkg? HUH? No, no…
This final scene here seems to be taking place in several completely different parts of the prison, also, meaning you either need to format it as a series of shots or use 3 different SLUGS. You see what I’m saying?
And then, to top things off, you use a meaningless transition (FADE TO BLACK) and never FADE IN for your next scene!
Page 2 – I’m only going to briefly go over things here, cause it’s a real mess and it would take a lot of commentary to address all the problems.
First of all, it’s a little strange to set a crash scene inside the car. In no way am I saying you can’t do it, but it is odd, IMO.
You did not properly intro your characters here again. Using the word “plastered” is rough here.
Actually, starting the scene from inside a car that is already spinning out of control, with 4 characters we’ve never seen before is extremely rough…and an odd visual. For me, it doesn’t work at all.
Since you’re inside the car, using “The Crown Vic crashes…”, seems strange, and not right, IMO.
And then another transition, followed by a “VERY SLOW FADE IN”. No, Ray, no. Don’t do this. Just stick to writing your story.
So, we fade back into the exact same scene we just left, “INT. CROWN VIC - DAY”. Uh, that doesn’t make sense, does it?
You never want to start a new scene with dialogue, and especially not V.O. dialogue. You have to set the scene with what and who we’re seeing in the scene.
As others have said, the dialogue here is abysmal, and this is actually your first bits of dialogue! RED FLAG!!!!
So then, of all things, you decide to show this scene through someone’s POV that we’ve never seen, and who hasn’t even been intro’d yet. And on top of that, you formatted it totally incorrectly. Keep in mind what a POV is. It’s a clear cut form of directing, and has nothing to do with the story. It’s the writer saying, “hey, that would be a cool way to show this action taking place, I think I’ll throw it in.” And, c’mon, why show a POV from someone we don’t even remotely know that hasn’t even been intro’d yet? HUH?
Next bit of dialogue is possibly even worse than the first 2 lines. It makes these two out to be complete Smart-ass A-Holes. And, Jo still hasn’t even been intro’d yet!
Oh boy, so now the POV shifts to Jo, and we finally get an intro.
Her next dialogue is pretty poor again, and all this stuff about “winners” is far from funny or cute. It’s tasteless, actually.
So, dude, I know you’re going to hate reading this, and I know others may as well. If you do hear what I’m saying though, and take it to heart, it will help you as a writer. Remember, these 2 clichés…”Rome wasn’t built in a day” and “walk before you run”. They’ll both help.
Ray, Thought I’d give this a read. Before I comment on the rest of the script, I thought I’d chime in on the first page.
Another way to write the first sequence might be...
Quoted Text
FADE IN:
EXT. SAN YSIDRO/TIJUANA BORDER CROSSING – DAY
Controlled chaos.
LINES of waiting vehicles throw smog into the cloudless sky.
Disheveled CHILDREN beg to drivers through closed windows.
MEN move up and down the lines selling anything and everything.
NEARBY
A BIG-RIG TRUCK pulls behind several other TRUCKS crossing into California. On its REAR DOORS an American Flag is painted.
Several CUSTOMS OFFICERS scan the truck as it pulls into the inspection pit.
OFFICER #1 runs a mirror on a stick beneath the length of the truck and trailer.
Meters away, OFFICER #2 holds back a BARKING POLICE DOG. Something within the truck has its attention.
The SERGEANT IN CHARGE stands nearby. Eyes hidden behind mirrored lenses.
At the strain of the pulling dog, Officer #2 moves towards the rig.
The Sergeant in Charge waves him off.
Without a word, Officer #2 stands down.
The DOG BARKS pulling against the leash.
Cleared, the Big-Rig pulls onto a large X-RAY SCANNER and waits as the thing HUMS.
After a moment, the Rig is once again cleared. It moves off the platform, rolls past several SECURITY OFFICERS and crosses into the U.S.
The Sergeant follows it with a turn of his head.
EXT. WAREHOUSE LOADING AREA – DAY
An empty warehouse district. The sun hides behind the tall, metal buildings.
The Big-rig sits parked near the closest warehouse with its rear doors open nowhere near the loading dock.
With a sense of urgency, plain-dressed MEXICAN WORKERS unload unmarked boxes from the rear of the Big-rig and load them into waiting, identical CARGO VANS.
After several moments, the workers have the Big-rig emptied.
Almost simultaneously, each worker closes the rear doors to his van, gets in it and leaves. Each drives off in different directions.
The Big-rig DRIVER does the same. He closes his rear doors and gets out of there.
All are gone in seconds.
EXT. USP MARION – DAY
SUPER: MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON. MARION, IL.
One of the unmarked CARGO VANS passes through several security gates.
SERIES OF SCENES
Shows the other CARGO VANS pulling up to different PRISONS in different areas of the country.
BEAUMONT, TEXAS... TUSCON, ARIZONA.
It could be written a thousand and one different ways. A thousand better than the way I've shown.
I think what you should do is instead of listening to us, find a script that you've read and really like for whatever reason and write like that. Don't follow the blind, or those with blurry vision. You need to follow a script that has been through the wringer.
One that's been hustled, chopped and sold.
One that I liked for its technicality is I AM LEGEND (or anything by Akiva Goldsman). I love the way that thing is written, how the characters are introduced, etc. Fast, great description.
I'll finish this sometime this week and give you some feedback on the story.
You need to follow a script that has been through the wringer.
One that's been hustled, chopped and sold.
D@mn excellent idea! I am absolutely NOT above ripping off someone else's mechanics. I'm embarrassed that i didn't think of that approach myself sooner.
Thank you
Ray
EDIT : Joseph, I cannot go to sleep tonight without thanking you for not only writing and submitting an execution of how the opening trucks/warehouse/prisons sequence could go, but also for spending the time considering how it could be pulled off. Thank you. Your work is greatly appreciated.
I've been kickin' around for the last few days what the collective "You" have been stating about how much or how little I should describe things.
Too much sugary blabbin' = back off! you're stepping on the director an DP's toes = too hot
Dry as toast = only what a director needs = too cold
Toast with a smidge of jelly = at least the reader will read it and pass it onto the director = just right.
Something close to right?
I know, I know, format aside, which is a different issue...
I don't think anyone can slam me for asides and unfilmables in Lapse, but I do see where I could spice-up the action lines a smidge so that a reader doesn't choke and die on dust and sand. Petty, fickle & petulant readers can easily stop an otherwise sound story from getting past the desk. That limitation should be respected and approached with appropriate measures.
The first 50 or so pages of this script I thought were a quick and exciting read. Almost as soon as our heroes meet up with Frankie it feels like there's much less direction -- even though everyone's lives are still in danger it seems like they all might die by mistake instead of having the plot continue to unfold.
I like Jo and Mike and Madison very much, they are characters that an audience would like, too, and would miss if anything terrible happens to them.
Frankie is an interesting character, he's so full of himself that it's believable that he could ruin a strip tease and later take a shot at Mario for no good reason and set off a war.
The discussions about drugs and crime and jobs for everybody are interesting but go on for too long and people seem to speak too calmly, I think.
I think that the idea that there's a mole among the good guys is very important and we might need to be reminded of that more often.
The first 50 or so pages of this script I thought were a quick and exciting read. Almost as soon as our heroes meet up with Frankie it feels like there's much less direction Thanks! Rats! I was shooting for a really nasty, train crash change in pace from the running and gunning to this extremely uncomfortable "foxes caught in foothold traps" then moving onto another running and gunning afterwards. Sounds like the wheels fell of my wagon.
-- even though everyone's lives are still in danger it seems like they all might die by mistake instead of having the plot continue to unfold. Bingo on the first half! I want lunacy to be in control. Rats, again on the second half of the observation. Any thought on how I would have Frankie seem like he's going to kill 'em at any random moment when he really has little intent to? He just wants to pump them for intel.
I like Jo and Mike and Madison very much, they are characters that an audience would like, too, and would miss if anything terrible happens to them. Thank you. I thought it would be real tempting to kill off Mike, but... no. That's what I wanted to pull the audience back from a "certain" death of a seemingly disposable person. "ReallY?" are any of us disposable?
Frankie is an interesting character, he's so full of himself that it's believable that he could ruin a strip tease and later take a shot at Mario for no good reason and set off a war. I love Frankie! He's a sociopath. Freaking nuts. Smart, not over the top super-bad ridiculous. But your life don't mean much to him. You're a tool.
The discussions about drugs and crime and jobs for everybody are interesting but go on for too long and people seem to speak too calmly, I think. Gotcha. Thank you.
I think that the idea that there's a mole among the good guys is very important and we might need to be reminded of that more often. Admitted weak point. I really need to drop some more bread crumbs throughout the first half of the story, I think.
Thank you very much for reading Lapse and providing these perspectives!
-- even though everyone's lives are still in danger it seems like they all might die by mistake instead of having the plot continue to unfold. Bingo on the first half! I want lunacy to be in control. Rats, again on the second half of the observation. Any thought on how I would have Frankie seem like he's going to kill 'em at any random moment when he really has little intent to? He just wants to pump them for intel.
Ray
I don't know. Possibly if we see things to suggest that Frankie has other important deals going on at the same time (phones ringing, messages delivered, possibly corrupted FBI agent names dropped) and that as much as he'd like to torture and humiliate everybody, he can only be one place at a time, so he has to hurry things along. Then the audience would still get the feeling that lunacy is in control but we wouldn't feel like the storyline slows down so much.
Stopped at the title page Ray Ray. If you're serious about your writing, you'll want you're name attached to everything you post.
Why so secretive???
A - Anyone stopped at the title page is not serious. B - The work is copyrighted. (Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. "Technically") C - At least a hundred people in America have the same name as you or I or anyone of us (but probably not Khamanna Iskandarova. I imagine that's a pretty unique name, but I don't speak Mandarin) , so it really doesn't matter. D - Anyone serious can contact me through the perfectly fine email on the title page. E - A really serious person would have their attorneys email a contract with a pants-p!ssing number of zeros in a contract for me to sign.
Whitter Whitter Whitter Whitter Whitter Whitter
There.
You happy, Pinocchio?
F - Bonus: We're all here at SS lookin' at it. It's time stamped here and on my 'puter and on my email account. If I wanna pursue some copyright infringement (Pfft! Ha! Call me Don Quixote!) I'm grabbin' you by the scruff of the neck and stickin' your ugly mug in front of the jusge FIRST and sayin' "Listin' to Cap'n Morgan, here, your Honor."
No worries. I think some of the "reviews" you're getting aren't very helpful. In fact, if I hear someone else mention how they "had to stop at the first page" I'm going to pierce my testicles for the fun of it.
Quoted Text
Why would you ever write a feature, post it online, and not include your proper full name???
Stopped at the title page Ray Ray. If you're serious about your writing, you'll want you're name attached to everything you post.
Why so secretive???
Okay, so I just punctured a rusty nail through the largest diameter of my right testicle. I feel a little bit better.
With one bleeding huevo, I read past the first page...
I like the transition from the first sequence into the next except it reads like the beginning of Act 2.
On page two, these should be O.S. not V.O.s?
Give us a tiny description of these characters.
I like the way the action is written in the crash sequence. This is how, I believe, it should be written. Though, I would tinker with your action lines. Experiment a little until you find your spot. Like I said, read I AM LEGEND or NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. Both of these have great action written. You’ll see visually how your action lines should look and read on the page. Then you can adjust how you want to fit your style.
Try...
Quoted Text
He moves forward into the cab, crouched. Full auto GUNFIRE rips across the ambulance windshield.
to this...
Quoted Text
He moves forward into the cab, crouched.
GUNFIRE
rips across the ambulance windshield.
Another...
Quoted Text
Madison jumps into the ambulance, jumps over Jo to the front, fires a single shot, BOOM! over the crouching Mike, through the front window into the overturned sedan.
To this…
Quoted Text
Madison jumps into the ambulance, jumps over Jo to the front, fires a single shot
BOOM!
over the crouching Mike, through the front window into the overturned sedan.
Exactly the same action lines but visually different. From what I’ve seen in professional specs, use a few descriptive lines of text when opening a scene, otherwise, less is more.
Who the hell is this Madison? Cop? EMT? Ahhh. Okay.
I think Jo would be securing an IV line and making sure her patient isn’t going to crash. She can do this and talk at the same time. This dialogue from Madison explaining things is a little on the nose. Not sure she would give everything away to Jo about Paul and what’s going on anyways. She is not in the “need to know” category.
How do they know his memory is gone? A medical professional would need to ask specific questions to determine this. A person can be delirious and answer inappropriately but still have an intact memory. Okay, she did ask but did it after assuming he’d lost his memory.
Not sure I like him apologizing. Maybe save it for later.
Typically retrograde amnesia only involves parts of the memory. Usually, old memories are the last to be lost. Like where a person grew up, major events that happened, skills like driving, riding bikes, playing piano, etc. Near or recent memory is usually affected first.
Because you have so much going on at the same time with the different locations, characters, interests, etc. it might be wise to add an aside here and there to keep the reader tethered to the story. I’m getting a little lost and have to keep going over action lines to keep track.
An example…
Quoted Text
Parker closes the door behind him as Cruz pulls from his briefcase a CHEAP CELL PHONE – identical to the one used by Arturo.
I think this would be a great place for one.
What’s Paul doing during the sequence with Mike and Madison in the rear of the ambulance with Jo driving? There isn’t any mention of him. Is he unconscious?
One thing you need is a down moment within the action, even if it is only a few pages. Moments where the protagonists feel safe and have some time to think and go over things. This will also allow the audience to process all the information they’ve received up to that point. Visually, your second Act should look like a sine wave with ups and downs not just ups.
Quoted Text
HECTOR ¿Qué quieres que hagamos?
Might be better as…
Quoted Text
HECTOR ¿Qué hagamos?
So far, I like these characters, though at times I get a little lost in knowing who is who. The good thing is I want to keep reading to find out what happens. I would add a first Act before the scene where Jo and Mike arrive on the crash scene. This will allow us to get to sort the characters out. We should get to know them a little before we are forced to follow them. The second Act (the car crash) should occur around page 15-20.
I’m finishing this and will talk about the rest later.
Number seven of eight for me. Nearly there! I’m not going to mention anything about formatting as you’re probably sick of hearing about it. Same with typos and such. It’s a first draft, no one expects it to be perfect. Anyway, well done for completing the challenge. I know you started much later than the rest of us, so for 4 weeks or so, this is pretty impressive.
SPOILERS AS USUAL...
I don’t think this reads like a thriller. In my opinion, it read much more like an action/comedy, which is not a bad thing, but because I was expecting some thriller moments, I was kind of disappointed.
I also thought you had too many characters, many are not even needed and I’ll admit I was lost on more than one occasion. Maybe, it would be much easier to follow onscreen, but as a script, I found it hard.
An example of this, is Pike’s character. He is introduced to us on page 85 or 86, and he is the mole they have been looking for all along. How are we supposed to guess that? You should give us some clues as to who the mole is throughout the story to keep us interested and we will be surprised when he is revealed. It was too much of a WTF moment for me as it stands. Another example, all kinds of people are driving around in cars of different models and colors. I honestly can’t remember who was driving half of them. My advice, pick the characters that are essential to the story, cut any that are just there to fill the pages. Also, if you want Pike as your mole, have him in the story from the start. Let us get to know him and throw a clue or two our way.
Mike and Jo’s dialogue in the beginning annoyed me slightly, but they grew on me as I read on. I actually found them very likable, in a strange way, and I didn’t think I would say that after the first 15-20 pages.
Dialogue was a bit of a problem. All the characters sounded exactly the same, maybe not Frankie, actually. Re-mem-ber! DI-rek-tor! Constant uses of the word “sir” by everybody. At other times, it was a little on-the-nose or with too much exposition. At other times, it was quite snappy and funny. So all in all, it was a bit of a mixed bag.
I also noted that when Madison and co are captured, the scene with Frankie goes on for a while! I’ve not got a problem with that, but they do talk about meaningless stuff. I mean, audio sound systems! Torture videos on HD camcorders! I blame Tarantino, myself. Kidding, I like lots of dialogue, that was not the problem for me here. The problem was Madison. She’s our protagonist, yet the scene lasts for over 20 pages (I think), and she does nothing to try and escape. She’s the agent, she should be working on a way out long before the gunshot starts the party, if you know what I mean. Right now, she’s sitting about waiting for things to happen, and I don’t think that’s what you want for your lead.
Overall, this is a pretty decent effort. It could use some work, but as I said before, it’s still a first draft and you’ll no doubt have more ideas than you know what to do with by the time you get to the rewrite. Good luck with it!
With one bleeding huevo, I read past the first page... Oh, please don't sacrifice anything testicular over some of these folks. Toss a pube at 'em if you feel so compelled. (Ray's dirty joke time!! Yay!!! Q: What's the last sound a pube makes before it hits the floor? A: Puhh!)
On page two, these should be O.S. not V.O.s? No. V.O.s From the interior of of the Crown Vic the survivor (Paul) would be able to see the torsos of Mike & Jo as they moved about the vehicle, yet their faces would be above the window line while still audible. You see them - but - you don't see their lips moving. Or their lips at all, for that matter. I guess, in all likelihood, I should just ixne the VO/OS whatever. The director can figure out they're not walking around on their knees.
Give us a tiny description of these characters. Male. Female. Okay. They're healthy, life guard types.
I like the way the action is written in the crash sequence. This is how, I believe, it should be written. Though, I would tinker with your action lines. Experiment a little until you find your spot. Like I said, read I AM LEGEND or NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. Both of these have great action written. You’ll see visually how your action lines should look and read on the page. Then you can adjust how you want to fit your style. I've been thinking about this all day, actually. I was wondering if anyone had a definitive answer on the following or just some pretty good guesses: MOST of the "screenplays" we see online are actually transcripts of the theatrical release. A: Does the primary credited writer get to do that or does he/she sign off of some underling production assistant's transcripting efforts? B: Is there a way to get ahold of more of the original screenplays? Either the studio "locked" version or the last of the pink/yellow/green rewrites BEFORE the editor does his thang?
Who the hell is this Madison? Cop? EMT? Ahhh. Okay. Two black Crown Vics SCREECH to a tire-smoking stop behind the ambulances, blue dash-lights circling.
Doors pop open, three dark suited men and a pony-tailed woman immediately drop behind the doors and return PISTOL FIRE into the overturned sedan.
The pony-tailed woman, MADISON, 35, darts from her car door to behind the ambulance providing covering PISTOL FIRE into the overturned sedan.
I think Jo would be securing an IV line and making sure her patient isn’t going to crash. She can do this and talk at the same time. Originally I had just that, but just deleted it because it makes sh!t just unnecessarily complicated. IV added only so much throw away realism. Judgement call.
This dialogue from Madison explaining things is a little on the nose. Not sure she would give everything away to Jo about Paul and what’s going on anyways. She is not in the “need to know” category. LOL! Yeah. I didn't really have time to go back and fix most of the pugilistic dialog. Yep, yep, yep. It's ROUGH!
How do they know his memory is gone? A medical professional would need to ask specific questions to determine this. A person can be delirious and answer inappropriately but still have an intact memory. Okay, she did ask but did it after assuming he’d lost his memory. PDF pg 8 Madison asks "Who do you have there?" They figure it out, Madison gets pissed, vomits what she's been tense over all morning: his deposition testimony. And all Paul has to say is "What? What? I don’t remember! I don’t know... anything?!"
Typically retrograde amnesia only involves parts of the memory... Near or recent memory is usually affected first. Jerry Bruckheimer movie magic. This was never intended to be fine theater. From conception this was double cheezeburger, trippple fries, grande chocolate milkshake all fat, salt, starch and sugar pablum for an audience more entertained by sh!t exploding than by witty repartee. That audience "doan need no stinking medial degree". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsdZKCh6RsU Just... shoot sh!t and watch it explode or fall over dead. Magic bullets. It's not disdain for the target audience. It's respect by giving them what they want. Cheezeburgers have a pretty big market I understand. Likely more than Ryan's Steakhouse. It's action gore = the more the merrier. Actually, this is action light.
Because you have so much going on at the same time with the different locations, characters, interests, etc. it might be wise to add an aside here and there to keep the reader tethered to the story. I’m getting a little lost and have to keep going over action lines to keep track. Gatcha. I might be cheating when I'm reviewing/critiquing scripts. Every time I run across a new character I C&P that character, age and description to the top of my notes page. I keep up with everything as I'm going along. I figured if the big boys can keep a minimum of two to three story lines going along simultaneously that I might as well try. I'm really not interested in doing Before Sunrise. I'd rather take a swing at 12 Angry Men.
What’s Paul doing during the sequence with Mike and Madison in the rear of the ambulance with Jo driving? There isn’t any mention of him. Is he unconscious? Listening to everything. Chained, strapped, and collard he can't do much. He just arrived on planet earth when he woke up, so he don't know sh!t. He's thirty minutes old and has just been told that he's a bad man and killed this lady's husband. Go tell that to a little kid. See if you can make him cry. LOL! Seriously, though. yeah I see your point. I'll give him some more lines than a groan or two. My biggest problem with Paul is as is he's a tool. I can't imagine why on earth an actor would want to play Paul other than to pick up a paycheck. The only cool thing he does is run around the ware house shooting bad guys in the office. Whoopee. He needs work. Any bone you can toss I'll take.
One thing you need is a down moment within the action, even if it is only a few pages. Moments where the protagonists feel safe and have some time to think and go over things. Protagonists don't get sh!t for a break. However, the audience gets a break when it cuts to Parker, Falcon, Arturo or the helicopter pilots. As soon as that's over the heat's back on for the protags.
This will also allow the audience to process all the information they’ve received up to that point. Visually, your second Act should look like a sine wave with ups and downs not just ups. Agreed. Actually ACT II begins when the running & gunning ends after the LA Mafia gets the ambulance into the warehouse on PDF pg 43. Just over the 1/3 mark. And that transition and following sequence isn't going over so well.
So far, I like these characters, though at times I get a little lost in knowing who is who. The good thing is I want to keep reading to find out what happens. I would add a first Act before the scene where Jo and Mike arrive on the crash scene. This will allow us to get to sort the characters out. We should get to know them a little before we are forced to follow them. The second Act (the car crash) should occur around page 15-20. Cool. Here's the b!tch of it: All that intro trucks and prisons BS is throw away setting setter. I tossed that in at the last second. (Day, really) The story honestly began with the spinning Crown Vic for the first four weeks. Since everyone is having kittens over it I'd just as soon ditch it. For the life in me I can't see what's so GD difficult about shooting the sequence. How [expletive] stupid are directors? Although honestly, I know my grievance is with the industry readers.
I’m finishing this and will talk about the rest later Gracias!
Number seven of eight for me. Nearly there! Hooorayyyy!!!!
I’m not going to mention anything about formatting as you’re probably sick of hearing about it. Bless you. May your offspring also be blessed with common sense, as well.
Same with typos and such. It’s a first draft, no one expects it to be perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah...
SPOILERS AS USUAL... Well of course. We're all magicians back here behind the stage curtains, aren't we?
I don’t think this reads like a thriller. In my opinion, it read much more like an action/comedy, which is not a bad thing, but because I was expecting some thriller moments, I was kind of disappointed. Yep, yep and sorry. Guilty. I can't be thrilled. Don't know how to thrill anyone else other than jumping out behind something yelling "I SEE YOUR EPIDERMIS!"
I also thought you had too many characters, many are not even needed and I’ll admit I was lost on more than one occasion. Maybe, it would be much easier to follow onscreen, but as a script, I found it hard. Yeah. Like I just said to Joseph, I cheat. A lot. I keep up with everyone's characters with a crib sheet so that I don't get lost. I have no idea what other folks do to prevent this. Through this 7WC I've determined I'm like a Baja off-road racer to most everyone else's Tour de France cycling. I don't care what the terrain is or how harsh the environment is: I can beat my way through anything and laugh at the dirt in my teeth, parched lips and sweat soaked a$$. I don't really know what to make of people flippin' out over a turtle in the road. "Oh! Heavens!" I feign.
An example of this, is Pike’s character... It was too much of a WTF moment for me as it stands. Definitely. Yeah, I pounded out the meat of the story and ran out of time to fine tune when and where and how I was going to change dialog and story structure to accommodate dropping all of the appropriate bread crumbs, so... Yep. You're right. I'm on it.
Another example, all kinds of people are driving around in cars of different models and colors. I honestly can’t remember who was driving half of them. Now I did my best to color code all those cars JUST SO THAT readers would not get lost. Off the top of my head: Brown car gets smashed, blue car gets machine gunned, green car follows and then gets pulled over as the red car continues to follow, the yellow car swerves to miss the ambulance and hits the black Beamer because... all beamers are black, right? Charcoal SUV for Falcon Three silver SUVs for the LA Mafia. Six older model SUV barreling up from Meh-hee-ko, loaded with Mexican drug cartel muscle. Did I remember that right? Oh, and Pike car-jacks a red pick-up. Who cares what color the motorcycle is? Anyone can remember that it's Maddy on the bike.
Mike and Jo’s dialogue in the beginning annoyed me slightly, but they grew on me as I read on. I actually found them very likable, in a strange way, and I didn’t think I would say that after the first 15-20 pages. Yeah. The more I worked with them the better I made them and the less occupational emotionally defensive they became. Two different planes transposing.
Dialogue was a bit of a problem. All the characters sounded exactly the same... Yeah. That's going to be a major problem... er growth opportunity as a writer < wink, wink > for me. I demand a fair bit of sanity around me, and have a difficult time with other people's crazy sh!t so I try to keep my character TOO RATIONAL, as well. Even Big Frankie isn't all that over the top. He doesn't kill anybody right off the bat to look like a bada$$. He tells M/J/M they're going to live. Yeah, they're gonna get sold as slaves, but... I dunno. You're right. I gotta figure out something.
Constant uses of the word “sir” by everybody. Only by people who were respectful to seniority (perhaps my own military background or just plain manners) or as common sense. It's intrinsically irritating when the antagonist has the protagonist bound and tied and the protag wants to smart off with stupid sh!t that forces the bad guy to shoot 'em in the head. I would. I'd shoot a smart a$$ in the head so fast they wish they said "Yessir. No sir." Actually... I'd shoot 'em in the knee and ask them to be polite because the femur will hurt much, much worse.
At other times, it was a little on-the-nose or with too much exposition. At other times, it was quite snappy and funny. So all in all, it was a bit of a mixed bag. Working on the rabbit punches!
I also noted that when Madison and co are captured, the scene with Frankie goes on for a while! I’ve not got a problem with that, but they do talk about meaningless stuff. I mean, audio sound systems! Torture videos on HD camcorders! I blame Tarantino, myself. Kidding, I like lots of dialogue, that was not the problem for me here. I wanted to dehumanize M/J/M from Frankie, Max, Joel and Mario's POV. This is bad guy day to day average sh!t. Sure, it might be a special day to you or me, but these guys have been there and done that. They don't care. Yeah. It's QT's fault.
The problem was Madison. She’s our protagonist, yet the scene lasts for over 20 pages (I think), and she does nothing to try and escape. She’s the agent, she should be working on a way out long before the gunshot starts the party, if you know what I mean. Right now, she’s sitting about waiting for things to happen, and I don’t think that’s what you want for your lead. I want her to be forced to be patient. I want the audience to squirm every bit as much as her. She couldn't do sh!t but wait for an opportunity or hopefully the police. Not workin', eh? Script erectile dysfunction. Gotcha.
Thank you oh, so very much for pounding your way to the end. Each of your points I will take to heart and bring to either this re-write or into following efforts. Very much appreciated.
Hey Ray, my review will be in several parts. Hope you don't mind.
Page 3, the action here can be written a little more clearer. I got there is a smashed Crown Vic and a second ambulance arriving. But the sudden appearance of the large sedan in the description threw me off. I think you should describe the large sedan first before the second ambulance arrives. That way the readers wouldn't get a huge amount of info all at once.
Page 3, the paramedics' reactions to the gunfire seems a bit unnatural, especially Jo's, she sounded like she sees this everyday. They should be shocked and afraid, and tried to hide behind the car or the trees. It's a human instinct, always save themselves first before the victims.
Page 3, you should also describe the pony-tailed woman as MADISON right away.
Page 8, I think there is too much exposition on this page. Madison is like blunting out everything, and they're all in statements. Maybe you should have her ask Paul questions rather than telling information to Jo.
Page 12, pretty good dose of action so far.
Page 16, who's Sam? You mean Parker, right?
Page 22, Paul's question about whether Madison's husband hit her came out of the blue. I think Paul should worry about himself first.
Page 33, A GENERAL NOTE, the story seems to drag after Madison decided to go to South Memorial and the ambulance got on and off the highway. After 10 more pages of car chasing and gunfight, I kinda got bored. I think you need to have some turning points within those 10 pages. You might want to tighten them up and have them arrive at South Memorial a little bit earlier.
This to me feels like an action comedy. The bantering between Mike and Jo. It also reminds me of Speed where most of the action takes place inside a vehicle.
Page 35, uh....."Jo WHOOP! WHOOP!s the intersection..." I don't know what's that supposed to mean.
Page 38, I assume the red car is Falcon's? Try to state it's Falcon upfront, cuz right now some readers might confuse it's two different cars.
Page 42, A GENERAL NOTE, finally we're finished with the pursuit on the road. If I remember correctly, this chase started on page 3, that means this single action sequence lasted for 40 pages! It's just way too long.
For the last 15 pages or so, I didn't really care about where they go or how they go about doing things. A major reason is that there are too many cars: the ambulance, the green sedan, the red sedan, the police cruiser, the SUV, the SUV convoys, etc. I couldn't keep up with who's driving what and what they're doing at the time.
Action-wise, it's very abundant. But story-wise, nothing much. After 42 pages, all I know is that Madison is trying to get a witness safely to a courthouse.
What I'd suggest is: 1) cut down the action sequence, believe or not, I think you can do the same in 20ish pages; 2) you need a proper setup instead of dropping us right in the middle of action on page 3, show us who Madison is, show us how Mike and Jo do things before rescuing Paul.
Okay, let's continue....
Page 52, pretty good so far with the "villain's speech", I personally don't have problem with that plot device, but sometimes you gotta ask why would Frankie explain everything to the protagonists when he could be doing something more important.
Page 57, I think the situation starts to get out of hand. I thought Frankie has something big in mind when he first appears, but now, what's everyone doing in the warehouse? Doesn't Frankie have more important things to do than forcing Madison and Jo to strip and Mike to suck a gun?
Page 63, the dialogue here feels very cartoonish. I know you tried to make Frankie and Max psychotic and how they don't really care much about torture and violence. But I hope you could do the same thing but with a more mature conversation. They sound like high school kids to me.
Page 68, I really don't understand what Frankie and Max are trying to do here. I thought there will be a turning point when Max came in, but then the same thing for the last 20 pages happened all over again. I don't think Madison, Jo, and Mike are that important for the mafias to spend so much time humiliating them.
Page 69, no, man, Joel kills Mario because of lunch?! Com'on!
Page 69, A GENERAL NOTE, up to this point, I still couldn't identify a single main protagonist. I thought it would be Madison but then she's not really doing anything for the last 30 pages. You need to get her more active.
Page 71, wow, when did Paul become so active? Five minutes ago he was having problems taking baby steps and now he's shooting people. I would have the girls take care of the shooting while providing cover for Mike to get Paul into the ambulance.
Page 80, yay, finally out of the warehouse! I'm sorry to say this, but the last 10 pages with all those gunfights, I wasn't able to visualize all of them in my head. I completely missed the part where the trio went into the sleeper cab. I think the problem is that you're trying to describe everything at once, and this makes things disjointed. I suggest focusing on what your protagonists are doing, and then once in a while, drop a line or two about your enemies.
Page 82, I feel awkward about Parker family hugging Mike. I'm saying this is because I have no idea how close Mike is to Jo's family.
Page 84-85, you might want to go easier on the exposition. Sometimes we need exposition to know what's going on, but now Parker is like delivering a lecture. It would be very dry on the screen.
Page 89, I liked how you setup using Frankie's cheap cell phone to save him, and now you pay it off by using the phone to arrest him.
Page 99, hold on, I thought Falcon and Arturo are bad guys. No?
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
I have not read all the replies, but remember seeing some awhile ago saying they could not finish it. That actually surprises me. I thought it was one of the better entries. As with all of them, it's time to get to the rewrites now, but for a first draft I think you did a very good job. There are a couple of confusing moments, but I had absolutely no problem following the story. If I were to complain about the assignment given, I would say this one was more action than thriller.
I liked the three main characters. My only objection to Madison's portrayal would be her crying in the wear house. I think she should be tougher than that. All women don't cry as soon as things get tough. I know I don't.
I see that you have a bunch of actresses pictured at the beginning of your thread. I would sternly suggest that you quit fantasizing about who's going to direct your film and who's going to act in it. Create the characters and the story vision how you imagine them fresh from your head. Not a fantasy line up. I really think that hinders the creativity.
pg 1. At the bottom of the page, I think you need to describe the area of the prison we are in better. Just having a guard replace a pocket bible doesn't tell me were we are or anything.
pg 2. Normally you don't start with dialogue directly after a scene heading.
Not going to comment on format (P.O.V.) or style since that apparently has gone out of style... You do need to describe Jo however. Right now I have no idea if it's a he or she. Okay, I see that you did, but you should do it before she starts talking.
pg 4. Did I miss something here? There was automatic fire coming from the overturned car, but yet there was only one survivor and he's strapped to a gurney. Who's doing the shooting from the crashed car?
pg 7. Nice turn of events, but who the hell is Paul? Again, you need to introduce characters properly to minimize confusion.
pg 13. I'm going to assume Madison is wearing a bullet proof vest...
Some of your descriptions can be hard to follow sometimes. "The blue car slowly bends to the right as the ambulance wheels smoke. The moment the car’s dead weight releases the ambulance jolts forward into spectating traffic." I'm not an English expert, but it seems to me that there should be some commas or something in there to help clear things up. There are quite a few descriptions like that that I have to reread in order to fully get. It slows down the read and the flow of the story.
pg 14. Why not go to a different hospital? Seems more logical since Paul isn't that critical... No one notices the shot to hell ambulance?
pg 16. One question here. I'm no expert so I'm only asking out of curiosity. If a key witness is almost killed in an accident while on his way to court, would they really drop a case? It seems that would definitely go under some special exception rule or something.
Also, I know who Parker and Cruz are and that's what you called them in your action paragraphs until this page. Now you're calling someone Sam. Who is Sam? Do I have to go back and try to find his intro somewhere? Better to be consistent in order to avoid confusion.
pg 27. The dialogue that starts on page 26 and goes on through page 27 can probably be cut. IMHO, it doesn't really do much.
pg 29. Not really necessary to tell us Jo can't see the green sedan because the ambulance is missing the rearview mirror.
Seems like they've been on this exit ramp a long time. How long is this thing? And how many of them are there?
pg 30. Would Jo really keep saying Yessir to her dad? A couple of times is okay, but all the times makes it look as if he's the one demanding to be addressed that way. At least to me.
pg 31. Not sure we need the "can't hear dialogue". It doesn't lead the story anywhere, but it wasn't that funny either. You have some snappy lines in this script, but that was not one of them.
I like this script, I really do. At least so far, but I'm starting to think this is turning into a seemingly endless chase scene. I can't remember the exact amount of minutes now, but there's a rule somewhere in the world of entertainment about how long someone can stay excited. We get an adrenaline rush which is what we like. However after 9 minutes or so (I think it was) our adrenaline levels subside. Even if we're still in the same situation. That's also why roller coasters don't go on longer than that particular number of minutes because they don't want you to start getting bored at the end of the ride. We need a break for a few minutes here and there so we can get that rush again. I'm on page 33 and there has been no let up in the action so far.
pg 42. Finally we're parked. Good show, but way too long....
pg 43. What happened to Paul? Not just now, but during the chase too. We haven't seen or heard from him in pages.
pg 47. "When she reaches to pull herself up Frankie momentarily looks to Mike and speaks loud enough for Jo to hear." She who?
A lot of talking and exposition by Frankie...
pg 60. What was that whole strip thing about? What was its purpose?
pg 64. It's been 22 pages since they rolled into the warhorse. That's a VERY long time to spend there. Especially since it's mostly Frankie talking. I think you can ditch that whole part about filming the torture and such. I'm not really seeing why they want to drag this on so much. I guess they aren't afraid at all that authorities will show up. Didn't anyone notice the helicopter? I don't find it believable that they carry on like there's no need to hurry at all.
pg 69. Whoa! That argument and shot came out of nowhere and didn't really work for me.
pg 73. Why are they unlocking Paul? Is he a good guy now? Not in custody?
The escape in the truck scene leaves me wondering why they were not fired upon my police? Couldn't they have shown themselves to police and let them handle the situation. Seems weird that they could just drive a big truck right out of there without being noticed.
pg 81. Groan...at the dialogue... Followed by way too much exposition. Is this now a story that's going to preach to us about what's wrong with our court and prison systems?
Now it's a political preaching?
pg 86. Shakes his head like a lamb's tail? I don't think that description work. I can't really picture that at all.
pg 90. Where is Falcon parked?
pg 91. Madison is running. I thought she was hurt and lying on an ER bed. Did I miss something? What's the BOOM! in Pike's dialogue?
Read the first 30 something, and am planning to read on (!)... it's just decided to comment in parts. Hope you don't mind although it might seem annoying.
p1 - "Guard zips up his pants" - didn't know they were unzipped. p3,4 - I notice a lot of exclamation marks - thinking these are not always necessary. I understand they are yelling most of the time but still...For instance JO No! Just this guy! --I think just "No. Just this guy." sounds better. p4 "Jo has closed the back doors" - if we are not seeing this then maybe "Behind the closed back doors Jo finishes up putting an oxygen mask over the patients face. Then rips open.." p7 - Madison just told them the whole story, bit too straighforward and open for an FBI agent. Maybe they could ask questions... on the way. p10 - Madison calls him a witness, but he's really an enemy from the description. I get it he would have to confess if he remembered... Maybe you could let us know why he absolutely has to confess. p13 - Without the exclamation marks Arturo would sound manlier. p16 "Sam holds his fists a moment" - I'd have him as PARKER throughout, thinking you changed it from Sam to Parker maybe and missed it here. p21 - I like Paul hitting on Madison and thinking it will grow in something more. You also upped the stakes for her - her carrier depends on Paul - this is very good. She sounds kind of thankful that he has killed her husband. We'll see why - just want you to know that this is what she sounded like to me. p27 - funny grandma dialog!
Clearly an action thriller, very heavy in action which is good. Reminds me of cowrite project (have you heard of it) - the first ten pages were heavy in action and fun to read. If you want to take a look - go to cowrite.com and find first ten page installment. That one is a PG-13 too (maybe PG).
Reading on...
p31 - the driver of the yellow chevi "can't hear it" - not sure if it adds anything. p34 I like their dialog throughout. I think you put some thought in it, comes off as very snappy. p34 PILOT "I thinG" - typo. p43 - "I ain't BS' you" - bs'ing? p44 "Forty minutes has passed" - now how to show this to us... hmmm... p46 "Mad Hatter" Elliot - I like it, pretty farcical and the whole script is in this tone - nice. p54 - Paul was very articulate at the beginning for someone with a broken neck. Maybe if he said something ineligible... (at the beginning) p55,56 - I'm thinking Frankie is too fun and my attention is on him which is not right because my attention should be on Madison and the group. Maybe you could show this from her POV. p57 - Paul conversing with Madison - here's an idea - maybe you could have bits of this conversation throughout to keep them in the view. p59 - Yeah, Paul did not shoot Madison's husband! p62 - maybe intentional - MAX "Do want to keep him?" - missing 'we'. p62 - Frankie tells Max that Paul got amnesia, on p61 he told someone else (I think La eMe group) he doesn't remember stuff - that's too much telling of the same thing for me. Maybe Paul could give himself away and say something stupid and then they'd know he doesn't remember. p63 - I'm loving their dialog. It's a pity Frankie came late into the script. p72,73 For this warehouse sequence it might be worth considering mini slugs. "climbs into the cab. No keys." - could go under CAB.
reading on...
p76 - "They fight" - I don't know about the best/correct way to do it but personally I use more descriptive to show a fight...follow every/almost every punch. --and maybe that's wrong. p80,81,82 - got a little talky here, too much info conveyed through dialog. p88 - Madison is not supposed to leave Nevada? - I suggest you introduce this earlier to up the stakes.
I really like the script - you managed to maintain the tone which is important. You introduce new characters throughout and I suggest you go easy on them. Also introduce most of them in the first act and stick with them. That's what I watch out for in my scripts
Okay, here we go. My last one of the 7WC scripts. Hoooraaaayyy!!! My God, I've learned so much during this challenge! Thank you so much for your detailed review.
I have not read all the replies, but remember seeing some awhile ago saying they could not finish it. That actually surprises me. I thought it was one of the better entries..., but for a first draft I think you did a very good job. Thank you. That means a lot to me.
If I were to complain about the assignment given, I would say this one was more action than thriller. Yeahhhh. Guilty I'm afraid. Think this story could be "thrillered up"?
I liked the three main characters. My only objection to Madison's portrayal would be her crying in the wear house. I think she should be tougher than that. All women don't cry as soon as things get tough. I know I don't. Good. Understood. Deal. They don't. Cause yerrr tough! GRRRRR!!!! Okey doke. I'm modelling Maddy after you on the re-write. No. Really. I am.
I see that you have a bunch of actresses pictured at the beginning of your thread. I would sternly suggest that you quit fantasizing about who's going to direct your film and who's going to act in it. Create the characters and the story vision how you imagine them fresh from your head. Not a fantasy line up. I really think that hinders the creativity. I think we're looking at this from different vantage points. Directors and cast are not fantasizing any more than you fantasize about your kids eating anything you lay before them. Pfft. Kids are kids. They're gonna eat what they consider edible. There's no sense in putting brussel sprouts with liver and onion in front of them if everyone knows they aren't going to eat it. I have a fairly decent idea of a Nora Ephron film from a Michael Bay film from a Clint Eastwood film. I have a pretty good idea what range to expect from Tom Hanks, Seymour Hoffman and Megan Fox. (Cough! Ack!) The story creates itself. The people that would naturally fit inside the situation create themselves. However, to maintain continuity of character throughout the length of the story I can't help but find pegs to fit into holes. Actors and Directors. I know Woody Allen would just have a silly cop shoot a hole in a cab. I know Jerry Bruckheimer would have Conan-the-cop blast it with a RPG. I know Tim Burton would have the cop stick a black and white ringed tongue across the road and poke the bad guy in the eye. I write the story according to how the genre director would do it. Give or take. You're thinking I cherry pick actors and such beforehand. I'm explaining that they fall somewhere in the middle of the story to maintain continuity. Two different things. You can't read "Big Frankie" and not tell me you can't see and hear Vince Vaughn, right? He'd be perfect.
pg 1. At the bottom of the page, I think you need to describe the area of the prison we are in better. Just having a guard replace a pocket bible doesn't tell me were we are or anything. Agreed. Done.
pg 2. Normally you don't start with dialogue directly after a scene heading. Understood.
Not going to comment on format (P.O.V.) or style since that apparently has gone out of style... I've thought of this one point of yours all day long, and it's legit, but I want to... confer with you on this for a moment. I'm probably bass ackwards wrong, but.. we'll see.
If the story had a character inside his ocean cruiser cabin looking out the window - would it be okay to depict an island or other ship passing across the window? If the story had a character inside an office building looking out the corner window - would it be okay to depict a flock of birds flying by or Godzilla walking by the window? Likewise, If the story had a character inside a car looking out the window - would it be okay to depict everything outside spinning or a car rolling by the window? Yes? No? I dunno?
You do need to describe Jo however. Right now I have no idea if it's a he or she. Okay, I see that you did, but you should do it before she starts talking. Gotcha. Will do.
pg 4. Did I miss something here? There was automatic fire coming from the overturned car, but yet there was only one survivor and he's strapped to a gurney. Who's doing the shooting from the crashed car? Yeah you missed something. Lettuce see if we can remedy this: Light fog blankets the early morning road side scene. On the road top their ambulance flashes its strobes. A second ambulance SIREN approaches.
Crown Vic is smashed into a large tree down a low, weeded shoulder.
Mike works his way around through the tall weeds to Jo. Together they place a c-collar on the survivor.
A second ambulance stops at the large sedan resting upside down on road top center line. The crashed Crown Vic with one survivor is in the grassy ditch. The overturned sedan is still up on the road. Two vehicles. Same accident scene.
pg 7. Nice turn of events, but who the hell is Paul? Again, you need to introduce characters properly to minimize confusion. Okay. Clear.
pg 13. I'm going to assume Madison is wearing a bullet proof vest... As per regs.
Some of your descriptions can be hard to follow sometimes. "The blue car slowly bends to the right as the ambulance wheels smoke. The moment the car’s dead weight releases the ambulance jolts forward into spectating traffic." I'm not an English expert, but it seems to me that there should be some commas or something in there to help clear things up. There are quite a few descriptions like that that I have to reread in order to fully get. It slows down the read and the flow of the story. If it's confusing then... it's confusing. I plead nolo. I don't know if it does any good to break these two sentences down. If it's not clear - THEN SH!T! The blue car slowly bends to the right as the ambulance wheels smoke. Blue car has come to a stop at the hood of the ambulance. Madison just painted its front seat with lead. Blue car is dead weight now. Mike stomps on the gas. The ambulance goes forward. The blue car is blocking them. Since Madison has blown out it's driver's side tires it's weight will have shifted in that direction. Push on it's front with the ambulance and it will... slowly bend to the right. The moment the car’s dead weight releases the ambulance jolts forward into spectating traffic. Eventually the ambulance pushes the blue car so far to the right that it - is out of the way. The dead weight releases the ambulance. The ambulance lurches or jolts forward. Who's watching all this? The spectating traffic/drivers that slammed on their brakes when all this crazy sh!t began.
HOWEVER, all this dissection doesn't mean diddly if I riddled the entire script with such. ARGH!!! What to do? What to do? Rats! Seems simple to me. I dunno. I'll figure out something.
pg 14. Why not go to a different hospital? Seems more logical since Paul isn't that critical... No one notices the shot to hell ambulance? They did. Original destination was North Central (pg 7). Bypass the cop/gang war onto Mercy General (pg 16). Madison eyeballs the ring of bullet holes in the roof and figures someone else might figure the same so she asks Jo what's on the south side of the city: South Memorial hospital (pg 24), their new destination.
pg 16. One question here. I'm no expert so I'm only asking out of curiosity. If a key witness is almost killed in an accident while on his way to court, would they really drop a case? It seems that would definitely go under some special exception rule or something. I'm no legal expert, but a collection of circumstantial evidence that cannot be corroborated or substantiated with evidence or testimony will lead to a case being dismissed. Paul Rossio's deposition would have provided both that information as well as a ton of new leads for the FBI to investigate an ever expanding dragnet. If Paul can't provide names of prison officials, La eMe heads or Mexican drug cartel heads then there is no case, no leads and he gets no witness protection, but since he's done been caught (or worse, he gave himself up) he can't go back out on the street either. Not to mention Jo's career is down the tubes.
Also, I know who Parker and Cruz are and that's what you called them in your action paragraphs until this page. Now you're calling someone Sam. Who is Sam? Do I have to go back and try to find his intro somewhere? Better to be consistent in order to avoid confusion. Yes. I'll rectify that.
pg 27. The dialogue that starts on page 26 and goes on through page 27 can probably be cut. IMHO, it doesn't really do much. But I gotta get my supporting actress behind the wheel! Girl's gotta drive!
pg 29. Not really necessary to tell us Jo can't see the green sedan because the ambulance is missing the rearview mirror. RRRGH! I can't tell what you readers can and can't keep up with! Sometimes I get dinged on providing too much info. Other times I get dinged for providing not enough. How do you advise?
Seems like they've been on this exit ramp a long time. How long is this thing? And how many of them are there? Off the highway into the grass (pg 29). Down exit ramp #1, WHOOP! WHOOP! through the intersection, up the entry ramp and then onto the highway grass (pg 30). Pg 32 "The ambulance rattles toward the next exit ramp.", #2, yellow low-rider hits black Beamer, up that entry ramp back onto the highway (pg 33). Then they get caught under the bridge at the next intersection, third ramp.
pg 30. Would Jo really keep saying Yessir to her dad? A couple of times is okay, but all the times makes it look as if he's the one demanding to be addressed that way. At least to me. Sorry. Military household. Junior addresses senior as Sir or Ma'am. However, I'll prune it back a good bit.
pg 31. Not sure we need the "can't hear dialogue". It doesn't lead the story anywhere, but it wasn't that funny either. You have some snappy lines in this script, but that was not one of them. I'm shocked and amazed you don't appreciate smart a$$ humor. Otherwise, thank you for the snappy lines compliment.
I like this script, I really do. At least so far, but I'm starting to think this is turning into a seemingly endless chase scene. Technically they don't know they're being chased. But we do, so I see your point just the same. I tried to break it up with courthouse, boat and helicopter scenes. See if the following chart does any help.
I can't remember the exact amount of minutes now, but there's a rule somewhere in the world of entertainment about how long someone can stay excited. We get an adrenaline rush which is what we like. However after 9 minutes or so (I think it was) our adrenaline levels subside. Even if we're still in the same situation. That's also why roller coasters don't go on longer than that particular number of minutes because they don't want you to start getting bored at the end of the ride. We need a break for a few minutes here and there so we can get that rush again. I'm on page 33 and there has been no let up in the action so far. Understood loud and clear. That's a very well known phenomenon that I tried to circumvent with dialog and setting changes. Due to concern over your observation I went back and charted out in half-page increments events and dialog of ACT I to see how demanding I was of the viewer.
Blue blocks are stone cold non-action events. Yellow blocks are kinda active or at least mildly stressful events. Orange blocks involve shooting, explosions or imminent peril. Guilty? Not guilty? Break it up some more? Whatchuthink?
pg 42. Finally we're parked. Good show, but way too long.... Sorry, sorry, sorry. Take a break. But don't get comfortable. Things are gonna get weird all of a sudden.
pg 43. What happened to Paul? Not just now, but during the chase too. We haven't seen or heard from him in pages. Understood. Gotta give Paul some dialog. He's one of the story's biggest weak points. I'm gonna overhaul Paul. Make him more of a Frankenstein's monster.
pg 47. "When she reaches to pull herself up Frankie momentarily looks to Mike and speaks loud enough for Jo to hear." She who? Jo; reaching to pull herself up into the back of the ambulance to unlock the gurney.
A lot of talking and exposition by Frankie... Ideas on what to edit out?
pg 60. What was that whole strip thing about? What was its purpose? For Frankie to demonstrate that they are not in control of their lives any more. To humiliate them. Dance or get shot. Pick one.
pg 64. It's been 22 pages since they rolled into the warhorse. That's a VERY long time to spend there. Especially since it's mostly Frankie talking. I think you can ditch that whole part about filming the torture and such. I'm not really seeing why they want to drag this on so much. I guess they aren't afraid at all that authorities will show up. Didn't anyone notice the helicopter? I don't find it believable that they carry on like there's no need to hurry at all. That's just it. They're not in any hurry. Box of zip-ties already waiting? This is regularly occurring event in this warehouse. Helicopters conduct surveillance very high up in a situation like this.
pg 69. Whoa! That argument and shot came out of nowhere and didn't really work for me. I thought that could cut either way. Left field good surprise. Left field BS surprise. I'd like a consensus on that, otherwise I can easily have the cartel come in already embroiled in a petty argument with Max telling his little flesh peddling b!tches to shut up.
pg 73. Why are they unlocking Paul? Is he a good guy now? Not in custody? A: He's not demonstrated any "bad guy" behavior since Jo & Mike picked him up. B: As their patient he still remains their responsibility to at least try to get him to safety rather than just saying "Sux 2BU!" C: Nah, he's still a bad guy. Legally. But are you the same you if you don't remember all of your past evil deeds? Or are you someone different, now? D: Still in custody, they just don't want to leave him to a certain death. He's been nothing but nice to them. E: He shot some bad guys in the office to help them escape, so I guess he's on their team now. Yay!!
The escape in the truck scene leaves me wondering why they were not fired upon my police? Couldn't they have shown themselves to police and let them handle the situation. Seems weird that they could just drive a big truck right out of there without being noticed. BS movie magic, I admit. Theoretically the cops are busy shooting it out with the La eMe gang members and the big truck is going too fast for them to do much about it. Surely they'd chase them all the way to the hospital just down the road. I'll make mention that as they're all fighting inside the cab that Jo can see the B&W cop cars encircling the big rig yelling on their PA's to pull over - but she's gotta get Paul to the hospital just right down the road! It's only a block away! Or two.
pg 81. Groan...at the dialogue... Followed by way too much exposition. Is this now a story that's going to preach to us about what's wrong with our court and prison systems?
Now it's a political preaching? I ran outta time! I ran outta time! Rush job! Rush job! Will try to spread out the pugilistic dialog on re-write.
pg 90. Where is Falcon parked? PDF 88 The charcoal SUV leaves one parking lot across the street, drives up the street a few hundred yards to another parking lot, Falcon takes a ticket then backs-up into a lot.
A moment later the rear passenger window lowers four inches. PDF 91 Through the thermal scope mounted atop the 50cal. rifle Falcon watches two upright blobs enter room 612 manuvering a bed. Occupant remains unclear. He's parked across the street from the hospital targeting to shoot Paul through the building's wall up on the sixth floor with one of these: http://images.google.com/image.....=barret&gs_rfai= It ought to do the trick.
pg 91. Madison is running. I thought she was hurt and lying on an ER bed. Did I miss something? She's getting X-Rayed but she's okay and just waiting to be released.
What's the BOOM! in Pike's dialogue? Pike firing while running and talking on the cell. I'll fix that.
I hope the following comments are helpful to you. I can't believe you said that. I'm stunned. Are you whack? I'm on my knees thanking you for your input! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
There are too d@mn many male action heroes. There are too few female action hero roles. They are the sweet loving roles, the nurturing roles, the slut/bimbo/b!tch/hag roles. GD! Can't a girl investigate, think, shoot, ride a bike and kick a$$ like anyone else?
I d@mn near depend upon your, Catherine and Khamanna's POVs for this project. I don't think it's possible to provide too much data input. Did you see Madison scratching her balls when she spit?
After my page by page notes, here are some general thoughts. For 4 weeks work, you should be proud of yourself. But here are things you won't like to hear:
The story is very thin. Actually, the entire story, even down to the details, can be described with two sentences. The entire script has three long sequences, two of them are just action, and the one in the warehouse is filled with meaningless conversation.
The missing ingredient is complications. I see one big complication: they were captured and brought to the warehouse. But everything else is just gunfight and car chase which our protagonists escaped without any additional complications. This makes the action scenes feel bored and dull after awhile. The script is always in the "up" and rarely lets down.
I also didn't see our protagonist's plan. I know Madison's goal is to get Paul to the hospital, but she doesn't really have a plan in achieving that. Everything seems to happen on the fly.
Another thing that's missing is your Act I. Instead of writing the car crash on page 3, show us who Madison, Jo and Mike are before they arrive at the scene. This is especially important for Madison because the readers will understand what Madison's trying to do and what the stakes are. You might also want to show us Paul before the car crashes.
As a result of missing Act I, I didn't really get to know each character all that well. Don't get me wrong, I liked Madison, Jo and Mike. I liked these characters. But what's missing here is how they interact differently to different people and in different situations. Because of the nature of this story, Madison is seen as always having a badass and tough attitude. It's a little one-note for me.
Another thing you need to work on is your action writing. Some are just confusing. Many times I had to go back and re-read it. Sometimes I understand, but at other times I was completely lost. Especially the gunfight inside the warehouse.
An example: "Madison sees the one man enter truck two�s driver�s door as two others open its passenger door. She ducks."
First, we don't need "Madison sees" because on screen is the audience's seeing. What is "the one man"? Should be "one of the men." "Truck two's driver's door" is too cumbersome. What's not helping is the next phrase with the repeating "two" and "door".
Try this: "One of the men enters the second truck, gets behind the wheel. Two others climb in. Madison ducks"
I'll add more if I think of something.
EDIT: I did think of something. Your main villain should be the one to beat at the end, not some random mole who just popped up at the last 20 pages, because that would be anti-climatic. So Madison should take down Big Frankie after she has Pike busted, not the other way around.
That way, you can have more complications and flavor in your story, rather than: car chase - warehouse talk - gunfight - hospital talk - car chase. Let Madison do all the work, she's the one who figured out who the mole is, she's the one who caught Pike and leads her to capture Big Frankie.
Herman
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
But here are things you won't like to hear: Stop that! One of the things I don't care to hear are vagaries I can't do anything about. Otherwise, let 'em rip.
Everything seems to happen on the fly. Yep. The whole story takes place in about four hours. It's a series of responses to situations as they develop. "Something funny happened on the way to the deposition... "
Sometimes I understand, but at other times I was completely lost. Please cite as many points as you care to or can bear.
I'll add more if I think of something. Cool. That'll be fantastic.
Ho-lee mo-lee! You two sneaky buggers, Khamanna and Herman.
I just now noticed where you little devils went back and edited your initial posts with additional information. I was expecting additional posts. GOODNESS! Way back on the 18th, no less. Whattaidiot. (shakes head with embarrassment)
Lemme lookit all of what you have and I'll follow-up ASAP. Probably Saturday morning. My Friday is booked. (Good gravy)
Sorry about my oversight - HOWEVER: Thank you very much for your generous contributions!
Absolutely. Make it a little bit more of a mystery. Right now we know exactly what the story is about and what is going to happen next.
"You can't read "Big Frankie" and not tell me you can't see and hear Vince Vaughn, right?" When I read a script I never picture any particular actor or actress. I try to picture them the way the writer wrote them...
"I like this script, I really do. At least so far, but I'm starting to think this is turning into a seemingly endless chase scene. Technically they don't know they're being chased. But we do, so I see your point just the same. I tried to break it up with courthouse, boat and helicopter scenes. See if the following chart does any help."
I understand, but what you really have here is three sequences. The "chase" in the beginning. Even if broken up with short snippets from the court house, it's still one sequence. At least IMHO. The second one is at the warehouse and the last one is the ending. Hmmm. I'm not sure what I would have liked instead, but I think there should be something else important happening there. Don't know what though.
"For Frankie to demonstrate that they are not in control of their lives any more. To humiliate them. Dance or get shot. Pick one."
It fell flat because you have them strip in not such hot ways nor all the way and then he just tells them to get dressed. That was lame and in my opinion doesn't work. Especially since it doesn't further the story.
"Did you see Madison scratching her balls when she spit?"
Why do guys always confuse coarse with tough. Jodi Foster was a VERY tough FBI agent in Silence Of The Lambs. How often did she spit or scratch her balls? Did you even hear her say a bad word except for repeating what Miggs said? Being tough doesn't mean cussing like a sailor and behave crudely...and that goes for men too.
Howdy, Herman I apologize for not replying to you shortly after the 18th.
I only recently noticed you had completed your notes. I didn't think to look back for update edits. I was looking for additional posts. Livin' N learnin'. Additionally, I had written replies to both you and Khamanna only to accidentally delete them both entirely while proof reading them last night. Nothing quite like doing the same job twice. >
Hey Ray, my review will be in several parts. Hope you don't mind. Beggars can't be choosers. Any gold coins you toss my way will be welcomed. I sincerely appreciate the time and attention given for your review.
Page 3, the action here can be written a little more clearer. I got there is a smashed Crown Vic and a second ambulance arriving. But the sudden appearance of the large sedan in the description threw me off. I think you should describe the large sedan first before the second ambulance arrives. That way the readers wouldn't get a huge amount of info all at once. Hmm... rats. The large, overturned sedan was first introduced on PDF pg 3/script 2: Four suited men remain plastered to their seats as the car spins out of control. Through the windows a dark sedan hurtles by rolling over and over.
Although I did warn you "Headzup: Use a crib sheet to keep up with characters.", I guess I shoulda warned you about the vehicles, as well.
I know I have a many vehicles in multiple crash/accident sequences, so I attempted to provide clarity by color coding them. The colors assigned have zero intrinsic value themselves, completely arbitrary. Although I could simply color code specify the rolling sedan as being "white" I don't think that best addresses my need to clarify what's what across the scope of this or future stories.
The regressively simplistic way of handling this would be to simply cut story elements so as to not confuse industry readers acting as gatekeepers for directors. However, that does not address the issue, only circumvents it. A cheat.
Do you have a suggestion or system for keeping multiple objects or characters of similar nature distinct so as to avoid confusion to readers?
Page 3, the paramedics' reactions to the gunfire seems a bit unnatural, especially Jo's, she sounded like she sees this everyday. They should be shocked and afraid, and tried to hide behind the car or the trees. It's a human instinct, always save themselves first before the victims. It's L.A. Paramedics often wear ballistic vests where gunfire is unfortunately too common. Professional instincts direct them to save the patient.
Page 3, you should also describe the pony-tailed woman as MADISON right away. Yessir. Will do.
Page 16, who's Sam? You mean Parker, right? Right. Will fix on re-write.
Page 22, Paul's question about whether Madison's husband hit her came out of the blue. I think Paul should worry about himself first. Yeah. I'll replace that particular statement with something else while still keeping him feeling more responsible and guilty for his own actions, even if he doesn't recall them. I want to begin with Paul starting his life anew since the head trauma induced amnesia. Eventually I'll have him regain his full "bad-guy" persona.
Page 33, A GENERAL NOTE, the story seems to drag after Madison decided to go to South Memorial and the ambulance got on and off the highway. After 10 more pages of car chasing and gunfight, I kinda got bored. I think you need to have some turning points within those 10 pages. You might want to tighten them up and have them arrive at South Memorial a little bit earlier. You've reaffirmed a structural conflict this story has: While being a 40pg, non-stop "chase scene" it still contains periods of "drag" that fails to give the audience a break. Essentially, if I'm reading the collective sentiment correctly, it's too much stress with boredom! RRRGH!!!
This to me feels like an action comedy. The bantering between Mike and Jo. It also reminds me of Speed where most of the action takes place inside a vehicle. It is. I was shooting for the style of Bruckheimer's Con Air and The Rock. On rewrite I'll try to add about another 1/4 of material to bring in more of a Syriana complexity to it, making it more of a political thriller.
Page 35, uh....."Jo WHOOP! WHOOP!s the intersection..." I don't know what's that supposed to mean. When a ambulance driver approaches, with the intent to cross, a red-lighted intersection he or she will pop a small alert siren that goes WHOOP! WHOOP! for the benefit of drivers more oblivious to their environment than most.
Page 38, I assume the red car is Falcon's? Try to state it's Falcon upfront, cuz right now some readers might confuse it's two different cars. Falcon is in the Charcoal SUV. PDF pg 10 EXT. CITY PARKING DECK - DAY
Parked second down from top level, a charcoal SUV’s open back gate-doors overlook the Courthouse several blocks away.
INT. FALCON’S SUV - DAY
FALCON, 35, takes his hand down from his radio earpiece then calmly looks up from his spotting scope. Courthouse prisoner’s entrance ahead.
More La eMe gang members are in the red car. PDF pg 32/script 31 INT. RED SEDAN - DAY
The car passes a road sign parallel to the road reading KENTELLA and EXIT HWY 57.
Five young men with a small arsenal in their laps watch the ambulance jet through the intersection four cars ahead and the traffic accident left in its wake.
Page 42, A GENERAL NOTE, finally we're finished with the pursuit on the road. If I remember correctly, this chase started on page 3, that means this single action sequence lasted for 40 pages! It's just way too long. Yeah. Screenwise, I thought I had broken it up enough, but you're citing the same as Pia had which compelled me to go back and break it down. Did you see this chart? Still? Yeah? No? Doesn't matter, they still need to stop sooner?
Page 52, pretty good so far with the "villain's speech", I personally don't have problem with that plot device, but sometimes you gotta ask why would Frankie explain everything to the protagonists when he could be doing something more important. Without be additional exposition, he needs to see who Paul ratted out to the feds. Frankie doesn't care about Madison, Jo and Mike because he knew the moment he laid eyes on them they'd be tools to manipulate Paul. Afterwards Madison & Jo were going to be sent to a Mexican whore house. Mike? Just a body to be disposed of in the desert. Those were just confident forgone decisions of Frankie's from the get-go. No need to "protect" any goings on in the warehouse.
Page 57, I think the situation starts to get out of hand. I thought Frankie has something big in mind when he first appears, but now, what's everyone doing in the warehouse? Doesn't Frankie have more important things to do than forcing Madison and Jo to strip and Mike to suck a gun? Frankie is a very in-control sociopath. It just looks like he's allowing things to get out of hand. He's deliberately bombarding Paul with too much emotional stimuli to provoke him into telling Frankie what Frankie wants to know, which is finding out where his business is compromised due to Paul's blabbin'. Frankie has a half-billion dollars at stake in his operation.
Page 63, the dialogue here feels very cartoonish. I know you tried to make Frankie and Max psychotic and how they don't really care much about torture and violence. But I hope you could do the same thing but with a more mature conversation. They sound like high school kids to me. Suggestions? I just regurgitated countless back yard conversations over beer and a grill.
Page 68, I really don't understand what Frankie and Max are trying to do here. I thought there will be a turning point when Max came in, but then the same thing for the last 20 pages happened all over again. I don't think Madison, Jo, and Mike are that important for the mafias to spend so much time humiliating them. Frankie is humiliating the others to get Paul to talk. You're right. MJ&M are definitely NOT important to Frankie and Max. However, as commodities they all retain value. Except for Mike.
Page 69, no, man, Joel kills Mario because of lunch?! Com'on! Alright, that's two votes for "BS outta left field". No good. I'll fixit. I'll have them coming in already arguing over something and Joel's thoughtlessness will just be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Page 69, A GENERAL NOTE, up to this point, I still couldn't identify a single main protagonist. I thought it would be Madison but then she's not really doing anything for the last 30 pages. You need to get her more active. Madison is the protag.
The intent was to force both her, and thus the audience, to squirm over a situation she has very little opportunity to control. Seems on re-write I'll need to return to classic Hollywood fare and keep the hero always kickin' a$$. Sometimes you try something new and it doesn't work. Sometimes you get slammed for doing the same old thing. Whatchagonnado?
Page 71, wow, when did Paul become so active? Five minutes ago he was having problems taking baby steps and now he's shooting people. I would have the girls take care of the shooting while providing cover for Mike to get Paul into the ambulance. Can do.
The idea was that although Jo & Mike had placed a c-collar on Paul in the field, it's strictly a precautionary measure, while in fact Paul has no broken cervical vertebrae and just gets progressively more and more confident/cocky that he doesn't have a broken neck. Confidence build and necessity of situation.
Page 84-85, you might want to go easier on the exposition. Sometimes we need exposition to know what's going on, but now Parker is like delivering a lecture. It would be very dry on the screen. Yeah. I ran outta time for ACT III. On re-write I'll spread that pugilistic, on-the-nose dialog out across more events and characters.
Page 89, I liked how you setup using Frankie's cheap cell phone to save him, and now you pay it off by using the phone to arrest him. Yuk, yuk, yuk! The irony.
Page 99, hold on, I thought Falcon and Arturo are bad guys. No? Yeah. They are. But it has been a long morning for Madison. She's tired of fighting. They're armed and in the truck. She's not. What's she going to do, really? Sometimes you just gotta say "Screwit." Besides, Madison told him "Catch you later." FBI can still make jokes, right?
Do think I should make this protagonist/hero a more realistic person or one that's just a wee unbelievable such as John McClane of Die Hard fame?
Thank you, Herman for your comments which will definitely help with the rewrite. With your observations I'll be better able to pound out a solid story. Gracias!
Howdy, Khamanna I also apologize to you for not replying to you shortly after the 18th.
I only recently noticed you had completed your notes. I didn't think to look back for update edits. I was looking for additional posts. I had written replies to both you and Herman but while proof reading them last night I accidentally deleted them both entirely. So here I am another day later replying.
Read the first 30 something, and am planning to read on (!)... it's just decided to comment in parts. Hope you don't mind although it might seem annoying. It's not annoying at all. It takes a lotta time to give a piece serious review with notations. I open a gmail draft and have to spend several collective hours in broken pieces to compose a review.
p1 - "Guard zips up his pants" - didn't know they were unzipped. Didn't think I needed to show that part. Should I?
Kinda like "Man walks out of house talking on phone." Should I show him opening the phone, dialing number then speaking?
p3,4 - I notice a lot of exclamation marks - thinking these are not always necessary. I understand they are yelling most of the time but still...For instance JO No! Just this guy! --I think just "No. Just this guy." sounds better. They're yelling over gunfire.
p4 "Jo has closed the back doors" - if we are not seeing this then maybe "Behind the closed back doors Jo finishes up putting an oxygen mask over the patients face. Then rips open.." Gotcha. Cool. Will do.
p7 - Madison just told them the whole story, bit too straighforward and open for an FBI agent. Maybe they could ask questions... on the way. Okey doke.
p10 - Madison calls him a witness, but he's really an enemy from the description. I get it he would have to confess if he remembered... Maybe you could let us know why he absolutely has to confess. Paul is both a witness (on his way to a deposition which he is trading for admission into the witness relocation program) and an enemy or bad-guy. He's an attorney employed by the LA Mafia and has recently put together a financially huge drug and money laundering transportation deal between a system of prison gangs and the Mexican drug cartel.
As Defense attorney Cruz states on PDF 16 & 17 CRUZ Without the your key witness’ deposition to tie together any of the circumstantial evidence your case will be dismissed and Casinni walks. You have no case. Parker, your case is dead. Without Paul's deposition giving up names of people involved in the case - there is no case. He's the key to the whole thing. And they're just now figuring out that he CAN'T provide anyone with anything useful. However, his LA Mafia buddies don't know this and likely don't care. They'd just as soon kill him just on general principles. The La eMe gang doesn't know that he can't provide names. Same for the Mexican drug cartel. Same for whomever (Governor? Senator? Prison warden?) contracted Falcon and Owl to button this up.
p13 - Without the exclamation marks Arturo would sound manlier. Translator: http://translate.reference.com.....amp;dst=en&v=1.0 I don't speak Spanish. I cheat. Considering the circumstance, should that be something spoken as controlled frustration, instead? I respect the difference in cultural values and would like to do it right as possible. (Before the director and studio screw it up!)
p16 "Sam holds his fists a moment" - I'd have him as PARKER throughout, thinking you changed it from Sam to Parker maybe and missed it here. Yep. Gotta go back and substitute those.
p21 - I like Paul hitting on Madison and thinking it will grow in something more. You also upped the stakes for her - her carrier depends on Paul - this is very good. She sounds kind of thankful that he has killed her husband. We'll see why - just want you to know that this is what she sounded like to me. He's not hitting on her. He's kinda just blurting stupid, childish things. I'm going to re-work that entire conversation though. Killing her SOB husband was a mixed blessing. It got rid of the bastard while advancing her career.
p27 - funny grandma dialog! Thank you. I think it's equally important to remark on things that work in each others' scripts as to identify points that need additional attention.
Clearly an action thriller, very heavy in action which is good. On rewrite I'll bend it to a political thriller.
p34 I like their dialog throughout. I think you put some thought in it, comes off as very snappy. Thank you. I know some of it needs a lot of attention though.
p44 "Forty minutes has passed" - now how to show this to us... hmmm... Director shoots a half-second shot of Sam Parker pulling back his cuff to reveal elapsed time on a very expensive product placement watch.
p46 "Mad Hatter" Elliot - I like it, pretty farcical and the whole script is in this tone - nice. It is. You are the first to accept this isn't supposed to be a brain busting, ground breaking movie. It's just summer-time action cr@p. Shoot sh!t and watch it blow up. Double cheezeburger and fries. No/low nutritional value.
p54 - Paul was very articulate at the beginning for someone with a broken neck. Maybe if he said something ineligible... (at the beginning) His neck isn't broken, but no one can tell that until it's x-rayed at the hospital. The c-collar is SOP precautionary.
p55,56 - I'm thinking Frankie is too fun and my attention is on him which is not right because my attention should be on Madison and the group. Maybe you could show this from her POV. Frankie's a hoot! Sociopathic, fuh-reak. Yeah, I wanted to divert attention away from the three main characters who've been hogging the screen while stuck in a tiny ambulance for the past forty minutes. No? Don't do that?
p57 - Paul conversing with Madison - here's an idea - maybe you could have bits of this conversation throughout to keep them in the view. Can do.
p59 - Yeah, Paul did not shoot Madison's husband! Although he's still guilty for a lotta sh!t - THAT ain't one of 'em, even though everyone's pinned it on him. The double irony here is that, just like the killing of Madison's first SOB husband got rid of the bastard while advancing her career, the same happened for Paul, he gets position advancement within the Mafia even though he didn't do anything but take the blame/responsibility.
p72,73 For this warehouse sequence it might be worth considering mini slugs. "climbs into the cab. No keys." - could go under CAB. Understood. I can definitely see what you're talking about. This whole area became a mess to Herman, as well.
p76 - "They fight" - I don't know about the best/correct way to do it but personally I use more descriptive to show a fight...follow every/almost every punch. --and maybe that's wrong. Yeah, I ran outta time. And I always have mixed feelings about scripting out a major fight sequence, which is why I always keep them incredibly simple. Car crashes in a tree. Car rolls over. Car ricochets and crashes. Car brakes to a stop. Madison & Pike fight.
The director and stunt coordinator are just going to rewrite them anyway. But on the rewrite I'll put SOME more effort into it. Deal?
p80,81,82 - got a little talky here, too much info conveyed through dialog. Good Lord. that whole ACT III is a disaster. Ran outta time. Major-major overhaul on rewrite coming.
p88 - Madison is not supposed to leave Nevada? - I suggest you introduce this earlier to up the stakes. On rewrite I'll have a lot more of these details spread out across ACTs I & II. I fear the audience will not be able to piece together the separated points, though. On the one hand I'm writing double cheezeburger schlock for a high school education. On the other hand I'm asking them to piece together fragmented data on a post-graduate level. Challenging!
I really like the script - you managed to maintain the tone which is important. You introduce new characters throughout and I suggest you go easy on them. Also introduce most of them in the first act and stick with them. That's what I watch out for in my scripts Thank you very much for not only your kind words but especially for your time and attention. I hope that with the rewrite, which will introduce many more elements and complexity, I am able to retain that consistency you've cited. I feel tonal/thematic consistency is paramount.
As I've stated to other writers here, when reviewing scripts I build a crib sheet of characters and sometimes locations so that I never get confused or overwhelmed. Do you feel this is overkill and a crutch for bad writing? (I think of it as a crutch for my poor memory.) When I think of complex stories like Syriana, Traffic and Crash I can't imagine keeping everyone straight without a crib sheet.
Do you have a method of keeping complex stories or a multitude of characters straight/clear?
Thank you so much Khamanna for reading Lapse and providing your notes. Your points will certainly be incorporated into the rewrite. Flinch when it gets here!
Hey, I also wanted to shoot this across your bow, as well: Do think I should make this protagonist/hero a more realistic person or one that's just a wee unbelievable such as John McClane of Die Hard fame?
The large, overturned sedan was first introduced on PDF pg 3/script 2: [face=Courier]Four suited men remain plastered to their seats as the car spins out of control. Through the windows a dark sedan hurtles by rolling over and over.
Oops, my bad. I think the reason I missed it is because the Crown Vic was losing control and I was focused on it, rather than things we see through the windows.
Do you have a suggestion or system for keeping multiple objects or characters of similar nature distinct so as to avoid confusion to readers?
For that particular scene above, I'd open up the scene with EXT. CRASH SITE or whatever you want to call it since the Crown Vic didn't crash yet. But do a EXT. scene, describe the dark sedan chasing down the Crown Vic, then both of them crash. This way, the readers will have a mental picture that there are two different cars.
As to a system for keeping multiple objects of similar nature distinct, I also have trouble with that. But a rule of thumb is: describe the object when it becomes important, instead of bombarding the readers with everything right at the beginning.
And instead of saying green sedan, red sedan, orange sedan, it's easier to just say whose sedan it is. The Gang's sedan, Arturo's sedan, etc. That way I don't have to stop and think about whose sedan it is. I doubt a lot of people can keep track of which character is driving which color of sedan.
You've reaffirmed a structural conflict this story has: While being a 40pg, non-stop "chase scene" it still contains periods of "drag" that fails to give the audience a break. Essentially, if I'm reading the collective sentiment correctly, it's too much stress with boredom! RRRGH!!!
When I mean "drag", I mean a drag in story movement, not in action. How counter-intuitive it may seem, pure gunfight and chase scene doesn't move the story much because the writer is busy choreographing the action sequence.
Story movements depend on turning points, some minor, some majors. During the 40-page chase scene, there is no major turning points that swerve the story in different direction. There are some minor ones, like Paul having amnesia and they not going to North Central Hospital. And the only major turning point is at the end of the chase when the three of them got captured.
You could've inserted more of these in. Like there is a mole in the FBI.
When a ambulance driver approaches, with the intent to cross, a red-lighted intersection he or she will pop a small alert siren that goes WHOOP! WHOOP! for the benefit of drivers more oblivious to their environment than most.
Oh, okay. I didn't realize the WHOOP! WHOOP! is the sound of the siren.
Page 38, I assume the red car is Falcon's? Try to state it's Falcon upfront, cuz right now some readers might confuse it's two different cars. Falcon is in the Charcoal SUV.
I guess it's me again who can't keep track of the cars. But how come you wrote "....knuckles tighten on the steering wheel" twice but in two different cars? I really thought that was a typo.
Screenwise, I thought I had broken it up enough, but you're citing the same as Pia had which compelled me to go back and break it down. Did you see this chart? Still? Yeah? No? Doesn't matter, they still need to stop sooner?
YES! Much, much sooner! It's still one chase sequence even you intercut it with the courthouse scenes. There is a lot of babbling in the ambulance, move those babbling somewhere else, preferably in Act I.
Without be additional exposition, he needs to see who Paul ratted out to the feds. Frankie doesn't care about Madison, Jo and Mike because he knew the moment he laid eyes on them they'd be tools to manipulate Paul. Afterwards Madison & Jo were going to be sent to a Mexican whore house. Mike? Just a body to be disposed of in the desert. Those were just confident forgone decisions of Frankie's from the get-go. No need to "protect" any goings on in the warehouse.
It's okay for the first few pages when Frankie starts talking. From those pages, we knew Frankie wants to see who Paul ratted out and then wanted him dead. But then again, you drag this scene for way too long. I want something else to happen after those pages.
Frankie is a very in-control sociopath. It just looks like he's allowing things to get out of hand. He's deliberately bombarding Paul with too much emotional stimuli to provoke him into telling Frankie what Frankie wants to know, which is finding out where his business is compromised due to Paul's blabbin'. Frankie has a half-billion dollars at stake in his operation.
What I mean by "things getting out of hand", it's the story itself. The story now seems to go off a tangent and focus on humiliating the victims rather than squeezing out info from Paul.
Page 63, the dialogue here feels very cartoonish. I know you tried to make Frankie and Max psychotic and how they don't really care much about torture and violence. But I hope you could do the same thing but with a more mature conversation. They sound like high school kids to me. Suggestions? I just regurgitated countless back yard conversations over beer and a grill.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty weak at dialogue as well. It just feels out of tone with their conversation about camcorder and HDTV. Maybe just cut out the entire conversation between Frankie and Max, or you can keep the same info, but make them sound more mature.
Frankie is humiliating the others to get Paul to talk. You're right. MJ&M are definitely NOT important to Frankie and Max. However, as commodities they all retain value. Except for Mike.
I understand Frankie is making Paul to talk, but as I stated before, I want something else to happen now. We understand what Frankie was trying to do 10 pages ago. Sorry to be harsh, but I'd rather have Frankie take a gun out and just shoot everybody, at least it's something different!
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
The intent was to force both her, and thus the audience, to squirm over a situation she has very little opportunity to control. Seems on re-write I'll need to return to classic Hollywood fare and keep the hero always kickin' a$$. Sometimes you try something new and it doesn't work. Sometimes you get slammed for doing the same old thing. Whatchagonnado?
I understand what you trying to get at, but the warehouse scene is just way too long for our protagonist to lose control and be inactive. A few pages is fine.
The hero doesn't have to be kicking ass all the time, instead, it's more interesting if bad things happen to our hero and see how he/she struggles against them. Right now, Madison doesn't seem to be doing any struggle against Frankie. She didn't do anything to turn around the situation either, it was two thugs who shot each other!
The idea was that although Jo & Mike had placed a c-collar on Paul in the field, it's strictly a precautionary measure, while in fact Paul has no broken cervical vertebrae and just gets progressively more and more confident/cocky that he doesn't have a broken neck. Confidence build and necessity of situation.
Okay, I gotcha. But the audience would assume he has a broke vertebrae because (I think) Jo said something like that back in the beginning?
It has been a long morning for Madison. She's tired of fighting. They're armed and in the truck. She's not. What's she going to do, really? Sometimes you just gotta say "Screwit." Besides, Madison told him "Catch you later." FBI can still make jokes, right?
LOL, I can't believe I missed that joke. Good one!
Do think I should make this protagonist/hero a more realistic person or one that's just a wee unbelievable such as John McClane of Die Hard fame?
When you say "a wee unbelievable", do you mean John McClane seems to have some superhuman strengths to defeat the bad guys? And a more realistic person is one who is more vulnerable, the average Joe?
If your protagonist is a FBI, then you can make her like John McClane because the audience would accept she has special knowledge and strengths that an average Joe wouldn't have. It really depends on what your story is to decide what type of protagonist you gonna use.
Thank you, Herman for your comments which will definitely help with the rewrite. With your observations I'll be better able to pound out a solid story. Gracias!
No problem, Ray. It's fun doing and reading the 7WCs. Hope to read the re-write in the future.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
I don't do crib sheets (or even detailed outlines) and I think I should start. This can't be bad, if anything it's not bad, I think. Usually I write out of character, didn't do It Takes Two out of character though - the story is too complex and it consumed all the effort, I guess.
I've never watched Die Hard, but I think I understand the question. I think more realistic/human will fit your script better. I also think that she should be really good at what she does (and she is, so I'd say - don't take that away from her).
p1 - I think that the unzipped pants should stay as is if there's a reason for them to be unzipped at all. It's just I couldn't understand what you were driving at. Maybe I'm slow and it totally fits there.
p55,56 - I think if you introduced Frankie earlier as one of the main forces/characters/antagonists and it would take care of this as it would be okay to switch to and forth from the others for longer periods of time then. I think many usually have problems with staying away from main characters and I'm just one of many. See if more than one complained about this.
I think these were all the questions. Let me know if I missed something.
"Think this story could be "thrillered up"?" Absolutely. Make it a little bit more of a mystery. Right now we know exactly what the story is about and what is going to happen next. Good. I'm strongly considering adding sufficient elements to it to make it a political thriller and less of a straight action flick. For structural reference on a political thriller I just watched State of Play and feel okay about adding more material, however I think I'll need to add a LOT of more material and will have a difficult time keeping the story "fun"
I understand, but what you really have here is three sequences. The "chase" in the beginning. Even if broken up with short snippets from the court house, it's still one sequence. At least IMHO. The second one is at the warehouse and the last one is the ending. Hmmm. I'm not sure what I would have liked instead, but I think there should be something else important happening there. Don't know what though. On all three sequences you're right. I don't either.
It fell flat because you have them strip in not such hot ways nor all the way and then he just tells them to get dressed. That was lame and in my opinion doesn't work. Especially since it doesn't further the story. I think I'm making too much song and dance to pump Paul for information that he doesn't remember. The majority of the warehouse sequence was to try something new: Quit having the protagonist/hero ALWAYS be doing something. Make the protagonist/hero and audience squirm with the inability to find convenient opportunities every three-minutes to advance the story along. It's not going over well with readers - at all, so I'm going to fall back on tried and true genre fare. 90min of runnin'Ngunnin'.
"Did you see Madison scratching her balls when she spit?" Why do guys always confuse coarse with tough. Jodi Foster was a VERY tough FBI agent in Silence Of The Lambs. How often did she spit or scratch her balls? Did you even hear her say a bad word except for repeating what Miggs said? Being tough doesn't mean cussing like a sailor and behave crudely...and that goes for men too. Uh, I was joking! Madison didn't spit at all. Any.
How 'bout you? Do you think I should keep Madison somewhat realistic or "superhuman her up" to John McClane status? Clarice Starling or Laura Croft? Considering the blue-collar, shoot-sh!t-and-watch-it-blow-up audience this is written for? Die Hard - ON THE HIGHWAY!
I just want the movie to be PG-13, pop-corn, escapism fun.
And instead of saying green sedan, red sedan, orange sedan, it's easier to just say whose sedan it is. The Gang's sedan, Arturo's sedan, etc. That way I don't have to stop and think about whose sedan it is. I doubt a lot of people can keep track of which character is driving which color of sedan. I honestly see and understand what your saying. So, even though on screen it would just look like "a WHITE SEDAN rolls by" you're saying in the screenplay I should write it as "a MAFIA SEDAN rolls by". Correct?
My fear is that readers will object to that kind of description along the lines of "How the h3ll am I supposed to know it's a mafia car rolling by?", at which point I either grunt or groan in frustrated disgust.
I tend to write screenplays with a bias towards sequencing directions for directors rather than writing an entertaining story for readers. (And I know this is about the time when Bert calls me to the mat stating they, in fact, require the same.) I don't want to suggest that in the future I WON'T describe a story element by it's operator/owner, only that I see that this is an issue more complex than I was initially aware of.
How counter-intuitive it may seem, pure gunfight and chase scene doesn't move the story much because the writer is busy choreographing the action sequence. I don't believe it's counter intuitive at all. They are not mutually exclusive, though.
Consider the first action sequence of Mission Impossible III. Ethan Hunt's team goes through a ten minute building, truck and helicopter rescue of a captured operative to predicate the (implausible) nasally-inserted skull explosive + laptop acquisition with time & location of the bad guy at the Vatican (tool of redemption).
The first action sequence of Casino Royale has James Bond in a ten minute chase of the bomber through the chicken fight, through the construction site then into the embassy to establish he's the tarnished good guy on the outs with MI6 for his disregard of shop policy + acquire the cell-phone leading to the bombers contact man (tool of redemption).
In the first action sequence of Lapse (which I intended to perceptually conclude after they drive by the first hospital) Madison et al have a ten minute departure from one fire fight with the mafia only to find themselves in a second fire fight the the La eMe gang to establish Madison holds Paul (the MacGuffin) in her protective custody + at least two separate organizations are after him, three figuring in Falcon & Owl.
I do not see action as being exclusive of moving the story along, although I do agree with your original statement of "pure gunfight and chase scene doesn't move the story much". The last sequence in Kill Bill Vol. 1Beatrix spends waaaaaayyyy toooo long slashing O-Ren Ishii's masked guards. Ugh. THAT did not move the story along. So point made. I hope to avoid just that.
I guess it's me again who can't keep track of the cars. But how come you wrote "....knuckles tighten on the steering wheel" twice but in two different cars? I really thought that was a typo. =>PDF pg 39 INT. COP CRUISER - DAY The OFFICER, 30, lasing plates for speeders notes... blah blah blah...
The green sedan driving by is just over the speed limit, but the officer’s eyes narrow at the two occupants.
He pulls out into traffic to follow. The officer doesn’t notice the red sedan in his rear view mirror or the charcoal SUV behind it.
INT. RED CAR - DAY Tattooed knuckles tighten on the steering wheel.
INT. FALCON’S SUV - DAY Falcon’s knuckles tighten on the steering wheel.
I will easily concede that I may write events not-as-clear-as-they-could-be (and I greatly appreciate it when people point me in the right direction to fix that disability), but I rarely get flagged on story incongruities.
Literally: A - the green car follows the ambulance. B - the police cruiser pulls out into traffic to follow the green car (because of it's occupants). C - The police officer does not notice the red sedan in his rear view mirror or the charcoal SUV behind it. E - First subsequent camera shot = INT. RED CAR - DAY, Tattooed knuckles tighten on the steering wheel. The tattooed gang member shows stress that the police cruiser has just complicated the situation. And the red car driver isn't even aware of... F - Second subsequent camera shot = INT. FALCON’S SUV - DAY, Falcon’s knuckles tighten on the steering wheel. Falcon isn't too happy with the police cruiser complicating the situation, either. And HE isn't even aware that both the green and red cars contain people after Paul, as well. The audience sees on the screen all these people converging on Paul, Madison, Jo & Mike, but no one involved in the scene has any idea of just what a mess the situation is.
No typo. Just detail. Showing stress rather than telling it. Tightened knuckles.
It's okay for the first few pages when Frankie starts talking. From those pages, we knew Frankie wants to see who Paul ratted out and then wanted him dead. But then again, you drag this scene for way too long. I want something else to happen after those pages. Okay. It'll get condensed & cut on rewrite.
What I mean by "things getting out of hand", it's the story itself. The story now seems to go off a tangent and focus on humiliating the victims rather than squeezing out info from Paul. Understood. Like I replied to Pia, I think I'm making too much song and dance to pump Paul for information that he doesn't remember. The majority of the warehouse sequence was to try something fairly uncommon: - Quit having the protagonist/hero ALWAYS be doing something. - Make the protagonist/hero and audience squirm with the inability to find convenient opportunities every three-minutes to advance the story along.
It's not going over well with readers - at all, so I'm going to fall back on tried and true genre fare. 90min of runnin'Ngunnin'.
Sorry to be harsh, but I'd rather have Frankie take a gun out and just shoot everybody, at least it's something different! ARRGH! You're killin' me! But it's possible the frustration you're displaying is EXACTLY what I want! YOU, as an audience member, WANT to do something but CAN'T.
Again, I wanted to introduce atypical bad guys. Something scary but NOT cartoon, super-bad, over the top, kill everybody SOBs. Frankie's a businessman, albeit one not afraid to use extreme measures to achieve his goals. But this Hollywood tripe about mafia guys just shooting anyone gets on my nerves.
I put myself in his shoes. If I just wanna get information out of... you, for example, I wouldn't start off by shooting your wife in the head while your kids watched. Pfft! Nah, I'd try to scare the sh!t outta you. I'd wear you down. Time and fatigue works in my favor to achieve that goal. Frankie just IMPLIES that he COULD change the terms by firing a single shot BETWEEN them. So far... everyone's still alive.
But I'll shorten the sequence just the same. Here I'm just explaining WTH happened, as is.
I understand what you trying to get at, but the warehouse scene is just way too long for our protagonist to lose control and be inactive. A few pages is fine. Kickin' a$$, every three minutes, just like clockwork, coming right up. (pouts)
Right now, Madison doesn't seem to be doing any struggle against Frankie. She didn't do anything to turn around the situation either, it was two thugs who shot each other! In that situation there was nothing for her, or anyone, to do. The whole point of the sequence was to make everybody squirm with discomfort. I want to torture the audience (in an entertaining way, of course).
This is exactly why I enjoyed Christoph Waltz's character, Hans Landa, in Inglorious Basterds so much. Landa made everybody squirm by having absolute power over everyone he conversed with. In the farm house. At the luncheon. In the theater. The viewer was forced to squirm as the protagonists were forced. I loved it.
HOWEVER - It's just not working in Lapse for anyone, so I'm cutting it.
And the two drug cartel members shooting each other was to contrast their cultural standards against both our and even Frankie's. He may be a sociopath, but he doesn't just go running around killing everybody. I want to reaffirm with the audience these drug dealers are not right. They're dangerous and unpredictable.
But the audience would assume he has a broke vertebrae because (I think) Jo said something like that back in the beginning? I know people are pretty stupid, especially the audience I'm writing this for, but do you think they're really THAT STUPID that they don't know placing a c-collar on a patient at an accident is strictly precautionary? My God. You're likely correct. People scare me.
LOL, I can't believe I missed that joke. Good one! How about just before that when Falcon says "See you around." ? Did you catch that one, too? What's Falcon spent most of the day doing? Watching things. Spying on his targets. He's patient, not hasty or rash. There's an instant, albeit twisted, professional respect between Madison & Falcon. In a sequel they would have a complicated romance.
If your protagonist is a FBI, then you can make her like John McClane because the audience would accept she has special knowledge and strengths that an average Joe wouldn't have. It really depends on what your story is to decide what type of protagonist you gonna use. Yeah, I'm leaning 65/35 towards human+. Oh, I know it's my decision, but I have a respect for the audience, even an audience of goobers, (ALWAYS respect the mob!) and wish to tailor entertainment to them. If people want double cheezeburger with fata$$ fries - GIVE IT TO THEM! LOL! Lapse is McDonalds Finkle is Einhorn!
Thank you for the follow-up replies! Yesterday I had already replied to you, as well, but I think some other program on my computer kicked me off the internet before I poked the "Post" button. Rats! I love doin' the same job twice. Grrrrrr!!!
I don't do crib sheets (or even detailed outlines) and I think I should start. This can't be bad, if anything it's not bad, I think. Usually I write out of character, didn't do It Takes Two out of character though - the story is too complex and it consumed all the effort, I guess. I know my memory is garbage, especially for converting words into images while trying to keep up with the words for names and places. From reading production transcript screenplays I know darn good and well the simplistic solution of keeping our characters to a minimum as to not confuse our peers at SS is folly. Big boys have two dozen named and three dozen+ speaking characters, then we should consider that the standard.
Crib sheets, Baby! Writing or reading. I kinda think it's disrespectful to the writer to expect them to make every character memorable enough that the reader SHOULD just remember ALL of them. (eyebrows rise at that expectation)
I've never watched Die Hard, but I think I understand the question. I think more realistic/human will fit your script better. I also think that she should be really good at what she does (and she is, so I'd say - don't take that away from her). A - What movie genres do you gravitate towards? B - What action films do you enjoy? C - I actually agree with you about having Madison being more realistic with the story as is. Problem is that I want to make Lapse a more escapism, fun flick so I'm scared I would have to skootch her a wee more over to the super-human/legendary side of the street. I hate doing that because I find it usually requires making too many characters eye-rolling ridiculous. And I may have to say "Screwit" and just leave everyone reasonable while keeping the story HEAT-like plausible. Creative decisions...
p1 - I think that the unzipped pants should stay as is if there's a reason for them to be unzipped at all. It's just I couldn't understand what you were driving at. Maybe I'm slow and it totally fits there. Hmm... I dunno how straight forward you're comfortable with me being about what that throw-away brief shot is about. In real life prison guards transport street drugs into the prison system, sometimes part of their compensation is in the form of "personal services" from the inmates involving the guard's pants being unzipped... followed by the inmate wiping his mouth. Yeah. That. However, to maintain a PG-13 rating MPAA would likely have the director exchange that one second shot for something less... provocative. I got's no problem beating the MPAA to the punch. So...
p55,56 - I think if you introduced Frankie earlier as one of the main forces/characters/antagonists and it would take care of this as it would be okay to switch to and forth from the others for longer periods of time then. I think many usually have problems with staying away from main characters and I'm just one of many. See if more than one complained about this. Yeah, you're right. Will do. No one specifically identified staying away from the protag for too long as an issue, however that entire warehouse sequence, as well as story structure, are getting overhauled. Lapse is going to get major work done to it. It'll be a lot more than just cleaning up minor details and story incongruities. I'm talking some Jenny Lee type work. Okay, maybe that's not a great example, but you know what I mean.
Thank you again, so much for following up. And I appologize for not getting back to you sooner (stupid 'puter! Grrr!!) I feel inspired to run back through the comments on everyone's 7WC and see what I've missed.
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