Martin,

I’ve listed my comments as I read this below. Often I’m more likely to note negatives than positives.

Pg 1 – The opening is well written and dramatic stuff. It’s possible that the use of uncontrolled sex could be viewed as trying too hard. This impression is reinforced by the immediate flashback that follows this scene, since unless this scene turns out to have wider significance it might turn out to be a device.

Pg 2 – Leaving the “DAY” off these slugs might be okay, but for me I think you need it. Specifically the “INT. BATHROOM” might be filmed in a totally different place and on a different day from the kitchen, so it could have a full slug.

Also I’m guessing pregnancy.

Pg 9 – This is moving along pretty swiftly. I like the conflicts you have set up. It might be that you are revealing a lot of information in dialogue, but you are concealing it with arguments.

Pg 11 – I like the action scene here, although I’m not sure I buy Brannon randomly crashing the car into the warehouse. Can one of the goons shoot out a tire to make him crash, say?

Pg 13 – Having an apparent main character die alone is a twist. Then immediately after that you break off to introduce Lex, who is presumably the replacement lead female.

Pg 15 – Since we’ve now jumped fifteen years forward another question occurs to me. Is what we’ve seen so far backstory and will it turn out that we didn’t need to see it for this story to work out?

While I’m on that subject I’ve not yet seen anything that makes me think the first page isn’t an unrelated device.

Pg 25 – This is going along really well now.

Pg 27 – I have a slight concern that the drilling scene runs for 7 pages. I guess it’s broken up, but you could consider if it’s a little long.

This procedure feels like an inciting incident for the story that began on page 15.

Pg 29 – Brannon says “Jesus... “ which is fine, but on page 15 Lex says it the same way which raises the question of whether the characters have distinctive voices.

Pg 32 – The scene that ends here has some lengthy dialogue passages that are used to explain everything. Is there a briefer way to get this across or could you just not tell us some of this? I’d suggest not telling us, indeed there could be a case for having no explanation at all at this point and letting it be a mystery that he figures out.

Pg 37 – For a while I thought Lex would turn out to be Brannon’s daughter, but I’ve checked her age and she can’t be.

Pg 43 – “Somebody silenced him.” – This feels on the nose. This is another long conversation scene which I think is one of the reasons the story feels a little slow for me.

Pg 53 – These pages, especially with the slide show, have an exposition feel about them.

Pg 54 – Kane’s concerns about risks and stability seem quite odd coming from a drug dealer.

Pg 61 – I thought Lex was dead. I’m glad she’s not.

Pg 66 – “Jesus... “ – Alicia uses the same phrase.

The story is moving along well.

Pg 74 – There’s a danger that with Rufus being this anxious and business detailed, he loses his bad-assness.

Pg 86 – I see you are making it so that it is Brannon’s determination that makes Lex free him, but for me I’m not sure if this makes him an active protagonist who drives his own fate. Thinking about it, he has only got here by being captured and carried in. I guess he’s determined, but I don’t know if he’s done many things in the story that have propelled it forward.

Pg 89 – So he self-removed the brain implant? It’s cool, but I’m struggling to go along with it.

Pg 97 – The finale is a tense good battle and the wrap up is brief and sharp.


Overall the story works well and has a lot of good thrills and fights.

As I noted above I’d suggest looking at some of the long static conversations. Also I wonder about rethinking the beginning structure and how active the protagonist is.

Your technique reads smoothly and quickly. Good luck with it.

Philip

Good script to have as the first featured of the month.  Totally tripped me out when I first read it years ago.  Way to go, Martin.

Greg

Thanks guys, especially Philip for the detailed critique. Your points are spot on. That's exactly what I needed. Cheers!

Martin,

The first Script of the Month, good on you.
Congrats on getting some producer heat on this script.
Regardless of the outcome, it's a valuable learning experience.
I made it through the first 32 pages this morning.
I will continue reading as my schedule allows.

I'll cut to the chase. I don't know what this script is about.
You got the hook with the procedure, I can see why producers would like that.
However, your script is one third gone before we get a first glimpse at it.
And then it's just a frustratingly external and bloody expose.

Brannon is a reformed junkie who never got a chance to be a father.
Whatever is going to make him let go of that must be very strong.
And if it's that strong, I need to see that strength on the page, with visuals.
Brannon is your protag, we need to experience what he experiences.
If we don't feel the power of the "drug", then Brannon is just a junkie again.
This procedure can "heal away" the pain of his past? We need to see that.
If we don't feel that arc with Brannon, we have little reason to care for him.  
Maybe you come to this later in the story, but first impressions are everything.
The idea of the skull procedure is cool, but the first scene with it plays bland.

Your pacing here is pretty solid, action beats the way producers like them spaced.
I hope as you go on that Brannon and Rufus's relationship is detailed.
Right now, I have no idea how they are related, by what parent, etc.
I assume their youth together plays heavily into the dynamic they now share.
If not, then why make them related?

I'm interested to see how the rest of this plays out.
Thanks for posting, I'll return when I can.

Regards,
E.D.

Martin,

Read pages 33 - 66 this morning.
The pacing still holds up, but I don't care for the new plot developments.
We get the Girl Friday hunting for a scoop and foreign investors.
Girl Friday could be a turncoat, given the opening scene, who knows.
It strikes me odd how convenient her meet with Brannon went.
Even more odd that Rufus doesn't have Brannon bugged and watched.
If he was that smart, the reporter sub plot would be dead, unless she's a turncoat.
The scene with the foreign investors didn't do much of anything.
I can't get a bead on Lex, she starts out all in control and Rufus's lieutenant.
Then she's hot for Brannon, then repulsed, then raver horny and now a vegetable.
It feels to me she's whatever the scene calls for, I can't grasp her character.
The best potential character dynamic lays pretty much dormant.
You have a revolutionary drug dealer who owes a lot to his half brother.
There should be sparks between these two, yet, it's the tamest of the interactions.
You have put the effort into setting up a classic dramatic dynamic.
It's ripe with filial guilt, shame, deception and brotherly power play rivalry.
Hopefully, you take advantage of that juicy set up in the third act.
The script reads well, no problems getting through pages.

Some scene specific notes:

p. 35 Lex interaction. The "go away, but I want to save you" dynamic is flat.
        I'm not feeling the chemistry/tension between Brannon and Lex.
        Not to mention, why isn't Brannon going to see Sarah?
        Ahh, to your credit, you go there a few pages later.
p. 40 Reporter. Why isn't Rufus having Brannon followed? Makes no sense.
p. 44 DJ Regulator rave scene very cool.
        I like seeing your "device" show up in every day life.
        Makes the fantasy element more accessible to your audience.

I'll tune in tomorrow for the skull drilling conclusion!

Regards,
E.D.

Hello Martin,

I read through pages 66 - 97 this morning.
My feelings from the previous posts still hold.
Your scene construction and overall pacing works throughout the pages.
The action tropes play out fine, would have liked a better sense of the city.
I like your "procedure" but we never get a mind's eye view of it, frustrating.

I'm genuinely confused as to why Rufus and Brannon are half brothers.
It doesn't really translate to the page very well.
If you take out the filial references, they play like crime partners gone bad.
Why make them related, but never bring up family?
We never see Rufus and Brannon partying or any youth memories.
Did they share a mom or a dad? Did they grow up together?
Did Rufus protect his younger half brother from an abusive parent?
Did they turn to crime to survive a broken home, watching out for each other?
So many opportunities for these two characters to be intertwined that are neglected.
Perhaps producer notes and subsequent drafts muddied that relationship?
There's nothing about Brannon and Rufus that indicates to me they are family.
There seems little to no emotional dilemma on the page for these half brothers.

I see you have an IMDB resume with a produced short and video games.
So, you're at least somewhat on the inside of the "business" at least.
As a rank amateur with no resume, I'll offer you this freebie to jump start this script.
In addition to the unused relationship and dilemma above, consider this...

Rufus was forced to leave Brannon wedged in that car, sirens closing in, etc.
That suitcase was the lynch pin for the "empire" that Rufus created.
Rufus carries on his research to forge a revolutionary leap in designer drugs.
Sarah tried to overdose, but became a vegetable, brain damaged.
Rufus operates on Sarah to save her for Brannon, who's taking the rap for him.
That emergency surgery provides Wolfgang with the missing link for their procedure.
Sarah is alive, but diminished, and Rufus has the genesis of his drug empire.
Rufus saves Sarah and Brannon's child is born, perhaps not all there due to drugs.

Fast forward 15 years and watch the fireworks fly between these half brothers.
The aforementioned scenario is ripe with character conflict and dilemma for Brannon.
Love, betrayal, guilt, shame, hate, birth, family, death, you name it.
It's a character driven extravaganza of family dysfunction and designer drugs.
Now, that's a script I want to read, big time.

But what do I know, I'm a nobody with no resume.
Best of luck with your endeavors.

Regards,
E.D.

Martin,

I just read your script for the first time.   Top-notch writing.   You make it look so effortless.   Are you gonna post a new draft?    I'd love to read it.

Two suggestions (story-wise); It'd be cool to throw some Russians into the mix along side the Japanese.  Like maybe Rufus is about to go global with the Regulators, hence, Brannon will save the world.   (I imagined Gerard Butler as Brannon)    

I was also waiting for Sarah to re-submerge in the final act, like Maybe Rufus revived her from her overdose, then he could use her as final pawn against Brannon in the final act.

Overall, you're story has a "Surrogates" feel to it.    Might wanna get on IMDB Pro, track down the producers who worked on that movie and send a query letter to them or their Agents.   (and Gerard's Agent)  Looks like Babz is interested in this script.  (I can see why)   Hopefully she can hook you up.

All the best.    

Martin,

I really liked this.  Great, easy read.  I feel like I've seen similar things, but I enjoyed it and it is certainly different enough to get attention.  A couple of things that threw me a bit:

- The mention of Regulator early on without describing at least what it looks like.  I was confused.
- I found myself wondering about the daughter for a while as I was reading - it felt like it was just dropped, then mentioned at the end.
- The self-removal of the implant is a neat idea, I guess, but kinda crossed the believability line for me (yeah, I was fine with everything else).

I think the "unfilmables" mentioned before were used in just the right amounts and enhanced the story.

Good luck!

I'd like to thank everyone who's taken the time to read this and provide feedback. It really is appreciated and your criticisms will not be ignored. I've just returned from a three week vacation so I haven't been able to check in until now but I'm genuinely grateful for all the constructive feedback.

If anyone would like me to return the favour feel free to drop me a mail: martin dot lancaster at gmail dot com

I can't promise I'll get to your script in the next week or so as I have a lot going on right now but I always like to have a stockpile of scripts to read.

Cheers!

Hi Martin -

So - after having seen OYM posted as the Featured Script of the Month, I finally found the time to read it.  Had been meaning to for awhile now.

Definitely strong, clean writing.  A quick read.  Good dialogue, believable characters.  A script that's complete and solid as-is.  Nothing need be, or should be changed on this one.  (Not that you'd be accepting ideas at this stage, anyway....just commenting on that fact as a reader of the script.)

The only complaint that I'd have - if you can call it that - is that there was nothing new to Open Your Mind.  It's a straightforward drug story, with a hero that needs to get out of the game.  Sure, the technology's upped a tiny bit...but I knew exactly how this would play out from page one...both for the plot and the characters.  (Okay - well - digging out the implant's a serious stretch.  But that's only one detail.)

BTW - read on the boards that Babz was pretty excited about this one.  Congrats - hope great things are in the works!

Cheers,

--WV