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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Vourdalacks Of Love - 7WC Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 7th, 2012, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Vourdalacks Of Love by Khamanna Isdandarova (khamanna) - Thriller - A driven filmmaker discovers the head of an Amish family was recently infected by a vampire and grabs his camera to document the family only to fall in love with the patriarch's daughter. - pdf, format

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Don  -  March 13th, 2017, 4:39pm
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Reef Dreamer
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Hi Khamanna,

Thought i would have a read of this one first.

SPOILERS

I don't know the book its based on but guess its a complicated, interwoven tale of family tension and three way rivalries. Or something like that.

I will try to attach my notes. I didn't go into detail just things that came to mind.

I liked the tone of a remote family, hidden secret and a sect that seeks to keep people, control them and not allow outsiders in. The desire to join a family, the sacrifice made and the power on a third party to follow.

Overall, i felt i needed to know more about the characters, their motivations etc. I can't say i fully kept up with the story and what was happening. On reflection there seems to be a fair amount of things happening else where - usually in the woods.

I'm still lost about the cowboy/barman and other girl. What were they, why did they know etc

Hope the following helps.


Vourdalack - comments

I haven't taken detailed notes. here are some reflections as i went through it. SPOILERS

I think Nick should be more interested in diverting his fiancés attention/distract her when the footage is on. I wasn't also sure about her description of saying the right thing at the right time. I struggled to see what this meant.
P9 - i think the what is vourdalacks was a bit on the nose - maybe better to have him discover more as he goes on, eg call them creatures
I’m also a bit thrown by the risk the old man has taken for meat
P10 - again i just have this feeling that the background information is too easily shared Confined space - slug - i found this confusing, wasn't sure who, where what etc then i find out it is a photo booth
Struggling to see why she would help Nick with the film - why him, why now etc
P12 small point - you’ve used the word Stick, from more than one character
P12 - would they have mobile coverage where they are?
P12 i’m a bit confused on Gorcha - so far i have in my mind as a spirit, nows hes at the window?
Not sure about Nick stroking her shoulder
If this is recorded footage watched by helen i wonder about having a scene within a scene, does it work, ie the booth. Just a thought
P14 Guest bedroom - should this be in the slug?
Room description may need some work - how would we know it is shuttered on the outside?
P15 -...is beautiful but I’m engaged... not sure why he’s telling himself this.
P18 not sure you need “he hit his child today if you must know”
P22 - “do you have an Amish footage” sounds a bit strange
P23 - general comments - you have quite a few orphans (lines with only one word) you maybe able to cut some of these out. Also i have seen any description of the land outside so i’m finding it hard to picture the countryside/place they are in. An establishing shot may help.
P23 - on screen no slug so i don't know what time of day is this. is it night? unless the next slug is the scene
P25 dialogue between gorcha and gregory seems a little forced, re the weapons
Boys - there are two boys but only Boris is really mentioned. do you need the other?
Nick - at p27 i have a bit of a problem with Nick. The fact is that i know little about him, other than he’s film maker and engaged. Who is he, where’s he come from, whats he want, ie whats his character. Not much to go on. I think if we had more it would help especially around the family scene.
P28 is Nick suggesting he has to stay to protect them?
P30 is the camera was on the table filming through the window may be a big ask? also isnt it night?
P32 - gocha house stands aloof - did i miss something, how do we know that? have we seen it before? Not much desacription so i’m not sure what i’m seeing
P32 Man in caps?
He meddles - whats is this?
P34 entrance in slug?
General comment - you use a lot of single lines for your action. it would appear you could be a bit more efficient, just saying.
P37 Nick “he’s better watch his father’ sounds a bit off
Zdenka - a bit like Nick, not sure i know enough about her, what drives, her desires, wishes, habits etc
P39 is this part recorded part non recorded scenes - bit lost who nicj is saying “staying up” to?
P39 when we go to the living room i think you need to explain who is there first - we only know about boris through the dialogue
up to p42Have to say i’m a little lost about Nick:Gregory and Gocha
P43 - not sure about Nicks note and his admission
P49-50 bar scene may need a little work to capture the meaning. veronica appears, does nothing, zdenka appears but nick gets into a fighter, after shes arrived?
P53 slug needs a dash
P63 grits his teeth
P65 “..but so is them..?” sounds strange
p87 corcha - name spelt wrong


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khamanna
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Thanks Reef! I'll come back to you. Let me get on with the reads first though
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kingcooky555
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Decided to pick this up next. I read the pages 1-30, which I thought was Act I. Inciting incident with Gorcha gone and assumed to have turned into a Vourdalack. Also, Helen leaves Nick, thinking that Nick had an affair with Zdenka. Either Nick doesn't care or he's oblivious to Helen's suspicions.

Format wise it's clean. I did find it confusing at first as I didn't know it was a found footage script. It wasn't until page 15 did I realize it's a hybrid found footage, intercutting between Nick's apartment and the found footage.

On page 10 - the Confined Space was confusing. I didn't know if this was part of the found footage. What I gather is that Nick is looking through Zdenka's pictures.

It would be nice, at least for me, if you state at the beginning of the scene where the camera is. It reads as if the scene doesn't have found footage camera. For example on page 23, I know they're having dinner, but not sure where Nick put his camera. Also are they aware that they're being filmed?

If they are aware of being filmed, then it's questionable Gregory would say "If you touch her, I'll kill you." Why would he say this if he's being filmed, unless the camera is hidden?

Lastly, not sure why Nick would be kept into the house. I know he followed Gregory to the house as an invitation, but it's still not clear why Gregory would allow him to stay for so long.

Ok picking up on  page 30, looking forward to seeing Grandpa tear Gregory a new one with his Vourdalack claws...
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kingcooky555
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Okay I finished the read it was fast because your style is very clean with lots of white space. Technically clean from start to finish.

Now, I realize the motivation of inviting Nick to the house in the first place. I was confused with the motivations in the beginning, but Zdenka explains it in the end.

However, the hybrid found footage disappeared completely after page 30. I was waiting for it and kinda got confused from page 30-50 because I was waiting for it. I didn't realize Nick already left his apartment and went back to the house and this was present day. I think you're script works fine if you ditch the found footage elements, especially in the beginning which caused some confusion for me.

I would like to have seen more of the Cowboy and Veronica. It seems like they were thrown in there for exposition purposes. You did hint that they are/could be vourdalacks. maybe they're part of that vampire (sorry easier to spell than vourdalack) group, chasing Nick in the end.

On page 61, chilli should be chilly.

page 76, had a chuckle when gregory used Boris as a human missile. And I liked how the cute kids turn out to be little mean vampires in the end.

I thought it was good unique take on the vampires. Eery Amish background. A filmmaker trying to film an Amish legend/myth. I think you're script works fine without the found footage, but if you do want to go 100% found footage, the settings and characters are there.
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khamanna
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Thank you kingcooky! I'll get back to you - want to get on with the reviews first Thanks!
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steven8
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I like the story concept, and it reads very quickly, but I got kind of worn out reading all that continuous action.  Also, I got lost as to what was happening from time to time.  Were the cowboy and Veronica vampires?  Or was that Nick's imagination, or was it how he saw them as he turned into a vampire?

I can't believe Helen came looking for him, but she was assimilated too, eh?

I liked this.  It was a unique twist on vampires.  And on the Amish, for that matter.


...in no particular order
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darrentomalin
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A very unique twist on the vampire story, well done for finding a new angle!

P1. Blue eyes and square jaw, Nick is athletic and handsome. His description should be after his name.
P2. “one of those women who know exactly what to say on every
occasion”. I don't mind unfilmables that much and there's a couple throughout, it gives the actor some direction and gives the reader some insight into the character but they are frowned upon in general.
P3. typo - “Is that you’re saying?”
p6. We're on screen at this stage and there's a slug INT. HOUSE – CONTINUOUS in the middle of the scene after the eggs, not sure where we are here, have the people on screen moved?  If so, be more specific with the 'house'. We're still on screen but it is a new location?
P10. A bit lost here at the bottom of the page, not clear who we're looking at and why a minislug is introducing a CONFINED SPACE? Is that young Vernoica and Zdenka? It needs stating.
You've also got a BACK TO SCENE which would actually take us back to the apartment after the ON SCREEN at page 6.
Perhaps the CONFINED SPACE to BACK TO SCENE should be a FLASHBACK? If so, how do we get to see that on the footage? Some techniques we can't use on a found footage as it would be impossible for the character to get them shots.
P11. I thing we're out of the found footage they were watching on the TV at the start now as Nick makes a call that wouldn't be on film.
P13. Right, we're now back in the apartment but a lot of the stuff we(they) just seen wouldn't have been filmable by Nick. It needs to be clearer what is actual found footage (i.e. Nick's movie) and what isn't.
P14. Need an ONSCREEN here. There's a few of these throughout where you need to clarify where WE are and where THEY are.
P16. So Nick is filming himself even when asleep?
This don't read right but I can see what you're trying to accomplish. Maybe have an establishing scene earlier where Nick fits the house out with camera's ala Paranormal Activity to “catch their everyday lives” Big Brother style.
I like the way you write your dialogue but a lot of it is a bit on the nose. The characters tell each other everything they need to know to get to the next scene so some of it feels forced. Other times it needs tweaking, read it out loud, use contractions where necessary.
There's clearly been a lot of research into Amish folk lore and life so well done on that aspect.
I'll be honest, I'm finding it hard to carry on past P40 as some of the wording trips me up so will try and get back to it later.
Good effort but needs a lot more work to tidy it up.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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khamanna
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Back to your reviews!

First of all I really appreciate the reads.
A little on the story - it's a low-budget thriller, not FF. I didn't plan it as FF. An idea occurred to me before (maybe a week before) I saw the 7WC on the site. The challenge gave me the needed push.
It was a challenge because it's not FF and still there is a lot of footage in the first 30. As soon as he goes back there's no footage anymore. I'll appreciate any suggestions with formatting - I see some of it is off.

@Reef Dreamer
Hi, Bill. Thanks for the notes! Motivation is a big thing - but I can't comment on it as you said it's off throughout. Zdenka's motivation is explained past page 45.
Nick wants the documentary on vourdalacks and to save Zdenka.

Thanks for letting me know about Cowboy/Veronica - pretty much in synch with the others. In my head they are vourdalacks, but I thought to leave it open in the first draft.

@kingcooky
I'll do something with "confined space" and the Cowboy/Veronica and will work on the first 30 formatting. It's not an FF script at all, it's just about a filmmaker. Glad you liked it! Thanks!

@Steven,
I'll definitely put in what Cowboy/veronica are. In the end. They are vourdalacks too. All of them are. Except for Nick and Helen. She's not assimilated Thanks!

@Darren!
Well, if I don't know which wording you're talking about I won't see it
Actually, I was planning to rewrite and then go over, do the cleaning, otherwise it gets too overwhelming - to work on grammar and then scratch... Thanks for some notes, I'll use them in my rewrite.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 14th, 2012, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna,

Your script was next on the list. I only had time for the 1st 10 pages today. Thoughts I had while reading are below.

So far, I have a couple of issues. The 1st one is Nick's and Helen's relationship. In my opinion, they do not seem like an engaged couple in love and soon to be married. Nick says and does some really dumb things. Second, I have to wonder if these people are American Amish people. It just seems so weird that they have Russian names. If I were Nick, my 1st question would be how they ended up with those names. Third, so far, most of what we have learned has been told to us.

It will be interesting to see where this is going.
It is definitely unusual.

Anyway, even though I only read 10 pages, I just wanted to chime in and let you know that I am reading. I'll continue on tomorrow. Good luck with your move by the way.

Page 1. Your description of Nick is a little bit contradicted. Not a big deal, I just thought I would mention it. In my opinion, I could picture him perfectly as an artistic guy. He is sloppy, eats lots of pizza and he wear sturdy close and his hair is uncombed. Yet, you described him as athletic and handsome. I have no problem with him being handsome, but athletic. That just does not seem to go with your earlier description of him. Usually, someone who is athletic works out. Is muscular and so on. Like I said, no biggie.

Page 2. I am not sure if there is a typo in the dialogue or if you intended it that way. Helen's line, I didn't know you came, seems like it should be, I didn't know you came home.

Again, the same thing happens in Helen's dialogue further down the page. " Did you come yesterday". Shouldn't there be the word home there too? I don't know, maybe that's just how she talks… Maybe she is a foreigner?  

No need to say that she chats away. It is obvious since she continues to talk.

Another thought I had here at the end of this page is that Nick can't have been gone very long. For a couple that are engaged, they sure don't seem very lovey-dovey to each other.

Page 3. In my opinion, it is rather odd that Helen did not flip out or ask him more questions about why he did not let her know that he had come home sometime ago. Again, it does not make them look like they have a very good relationship. Especially not for couple about to get married.

Page 4. Zdenka is described as insanely beautiful and sexy. I don't doubt that she is, but it is rather hard to picture when she is wearing traditional Amish clothing. Just saying.  

Another thought I had here is some of these Amish people's names. They are a little bit weird aren't they? Or unusual at least.

I find Nick's dialogue a little strange. Is he bragging to these Amish people? That seems rather stupid. Also, some of the word choices are strange.

Page 5. Isn't it weird that Nick doesn't care that Helen is watching the tape where he is flirting with the Amish girl? I mean, they are to get married…

Page 6. Nick does not care that Helen is watching the tape even though he flirts with a girl and insults Helen. If I was Helen, I would be rather pissed off by now. I repeat, they are supposed to get married soon.

For someone doing a documentary on Amish people, Nick sure doesn't seem very well informed of his subject matter.

Page 8. Do Amish people hunt? I don't know, maybe they do. I had just never heard about that before.

Some of your insights get annoying. Why not just write what we can see. For example, Zdenka's chin hardens - she knows better… You have a lot of those types of things in your script. It irritates some people, but others are not bothered with it and write that way themselves. It usually doesn't bother me, unless there is a lot of it.

Page 9. Nothing wrong with it, but I have to comment, it is rather funny to read these Russian names for these Amish people.

Page 10. I did not know that Amish people were allowed to go to the mall.

I am a little bit confused here. With the 2 girls in that confined space. Who is filming this?


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khamanna
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Thanks so much, Pia, for the detailed review of my first ten. I'm going to get back to you with it, really appreciate the read!

I'm also going to answer each reviewer in little more detail, later, as soon as I start participating again, and reading the 7WC entries. It's just that we're moving and I have no time for anything. Should be back in gear in couple of days (at least by the end of May hopefully). I skimmed through the reviews - all great stuff, thanks. I appreciate each and every one!
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khamanna
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Quoted from Grandma Bear


It will be interesting to see where this is going.
It is definitely unusual.

Anyway, even though I only read 10 pages, I just wanted to chime in and let you know that I am reading. I'll continue on tomorrow. Good luck with your move by the way.


Thanks!


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 1. Your description of Nick is a little bit contradicted. Not a big deal, I just thought I would mention it. In my opinion, I could picture him perfectly as an artistic guy. He is sloppy, eats lots of pizza and he wear sturdy close and his hair is uncombed. Yet, you described him as athletic and handsome. I have no problem with him being handsome, but athletic. That just does not seem to go with your earlier description of him. Usually, someone who is athletic works out. Is muscular and so on. Like I said, no biggie.


I wanted to show why he's popular with ladies. I'll think about it though, your description makes him more human, I guess.



Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 2. I am not sure if there is a typo in the dialogue or if you intended it that way. Helen's line, I didn't know you came, seems like it should be, I didn't know you came home.


done!


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Again, the same thing happens in Helen's dialogue further down the page. " Did you come yesterday". Shouldn't there be the word home there too? I don't know, maybe that's just how she talks… Maybe she is a foreigner?  



Haha, no he's not a foreigner Done on that too.




Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 3. In my opinion, it is rather odd that Helen did not flip out or ask him more questions about why he did not let her know that he had come home sometime ago. Again, it does not make them look like they have a very good relationship. Especially not for couple about to get married.


Yeah, heard that from someone else as well. She's mellow. Need to work on that.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 4. Zdenka is described as insanely beautiful and sexy. I don't doubt that she is, but it is rather hard to picture when she is wearing traditional Amish clothing. Just saying.  


But an Amish lady in that movie with Harrison Ford is insanely beautiful. Well, at least to my tastes. Couldn't find it on imdb for some reason now.



Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 5. Isn't it weird that Nick doesn't care that Helen is watching the tape where he is flirting with the Amish girl? I mean, they are to get married…


Will fix this.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 6. Nick does not care that Helen is watching the tape even though he flirts with a girl and insults Helen. If I was Helen, I would be rather pissed off by now. I repeat, they are supposed to get married soon.


Will fix that.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 8. Do Amish people hunt? I don't know, maybe they do. I had just never heard about that before.


They do hunt.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Some of your insights get annoying. Why not just write what we can see. For example, Zdenka's chin hardens - she knows better… You have a lot of those types of things in your script. It irritates some people, but others are not bothered with it and write that way themselves. It usually doesn't bother me, unless there is a lot of it.


Will cut - thanks. I always need an extra push to get to cutting



Quoted from Grandma Bear
Another thought I had here is some of these Amish people's names. They are a little bit weird aren't they? Or unusual at least.
Page 9. Nothing wrong with it, but I have to comment, it is rather funny to read these Russian names for these Amish people.


Tolstoy wrote this in German about Serbians. There's a Russian name Gregori but not Gregory. Zdenka or Gorcha are not Russian names. His main guy is austrian. I thought to stay true to the novel, but good of you to notice - at least I could change them to Austrian names if not German.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 10. I did not know that Amish people were allowed to go to the mall.


Fixed.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I am a little bit confused here. With the 2 girls in that confined space. Who is filming this?


Confined space - everyone gets lost here. I'll think of something better. Didn't want a whole new location for this - though it;s just a bench in a dark space after all.

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khamanna
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Quoted from kingcooky555
Decided to pick this up next. I read the pages 1-30, which I thought was Act I. Inciting incident with Gorcha gone and assumed to have turned into a Vourdalack. Also, Helen leaves Nick, thinking that Nick had an affair with Zdenka. Either Nick doesn't care or he's oblivious to Helen's suspicions.

Format wise it's clean. I did find it confusing at first as I didn't know it was a found footage script. It wasn't until page 15 did I realize it's a hybrid found footage, intercutting between Nick's apartment and the found footage.


I'm still thinking how to work this out to avoid confusion. I see many are confused by my format. Will appreciate any suggestions!


Quoted from kingcooky555
On page 10 - the Confined Space was confusing. I didn't know if this was part of the found footage. What I gather is that Nick is looking through Zdenka's pictures.


Oh, yes...


Quoted from kingcooky555
It would be nice, at least for me, if you state at the beginning of the scene where the camera is. It reads as if the scene doesn't have found footage camera. For example on page 23, I know they're having dinner, but not sure where Nick put his camera. Also are they aware that they're being filmed?


I thought I should do that too, but then decided to avoid too much desctription. I'll reread, maybe I do need some staging here and there, thanks.


Quoted from kingcooky555
If they are aware of being filmed, then it's questionable Gregory would say "If you touch her, I'll kill you." Why would he say this if he's being filmed, unless the camera is hidden?


Will fix that.



Quoted from kingcooky555
Ok picking up on  page 30, looking forward to seeing Grandpa tear Gregory a new one with his Vourdalack claws...


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khamanna
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Quoted from kingcooky555
Okay I finished the read it was fast because your style is very clean with lots of white space. Technically clean from start to finish.


Nice to hear that!



Quoted from kingcooky555
I would like to have seen more of the Cowboy and Veronica. It seems like they were thrown in there for exposition purposes. You did hint that they are/could be vourdalacks. maybe they're part of that vampire (sorry easier to spell than vourdalack) group, chasing Nick in the end.


Thanks! I'm thinking about it.


Quoted from kingcooky555
On page 61, chilli should be chilly.


Done!



Quoted from kingcooky555
I thought it was good unique take on the vampires. Eery Amish background. A filmmaker trying to film an Amish legend/myth. I think you're script works fine without the found footage, but if you do want to go 100% found footage, the settings and characters are there.


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khamanna
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Quoted from steven8
I like the story concept, and it reads very quickly, but I got kind of worn out reading all that continuous action.


Well...


Quoted from steven8
Also, I got lost as to what was happening from time to time.  Were the cowboy and Veronica vampires?  Or was that Nick's imagination, or was it how he saw them as he turned into a vampire?


I'll make that clear - thanks!


Quoted from steven8
I can't believe Helen came looking for him, but she was assimilated too, eh?


Oh, no. I'll work on Helen some. She loves him, poor girl


Quoted from steven8
I liked this.  It was a unique twist on vampires.  And on the Amish, for that matter.


That makes me happpppyyyyy!

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