SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:20pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Vourdalacks Of Love - 7WC Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 4 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Vourdalacks Of Love - 7WC  (currently 5718 views)
khamanna
Posted: May 16th, 2012, 11:17am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79

Quoted from darrentomalin
A very unique twist on the vampire story, well done for finding a new angle!


Glad you find it unique.



Quoted from darrentomalin
P2. “one of those women who know exactly what to say on every
occasion”. I don't mind unfilmables that much and there's a couple throughout, it gives the actor some direction and gives the reader some insight into the character but they are frowned upon in general.


Yes, I will get away with infilmables, thanks.


Quoted from darrentomalin
P3. typo - “Is that you’re saying?”


Will fix.


Quoted from darrentomalin
P10. A bit lost here at the bottom of the page, not clear who we're looking at and why a minislug is introducing a CONFINED SPACE? Is that young Vernoica and Zdenka? It needs stating.
You've also got a BACK TO SCENE which would actually take us back to the apartment after the ON SCREEN at page 6.
Perhaps the CONFINED SPACE to BACK TO SCENE should be a FLASHBACK? If so, how do we get to see that on the footage? Some techniques we can't use on a found footage as it would be impossible for the character to get them shots.


Definitely a flashback. Good suggestion!


Quoted from darrentomalin
P11. I thing we're out of the found footage they were watching on the TV at the start now as Nick makes a call that wouldn't be on film.


Yes, we're out. It's not an ff at all.


Quoted from darrentomalin
P13. Right, we're now back in the apartment but a lot of the stuff we(they) just seen wouldn't have been filmable by Nick. It needs to be clearer what is actual found footage (i.e. Nick's movie) and what isn't.


Don't know which stuff. Wouldnt' know unless you tell me.


Quoted from darrentomalin
P14. Need an ONSCREEN here. There's a few of these throughout where you need to clarify where WE are and where THEY are.


Thanks!


Quoted from darrentomalin
P16. So Nick is filming himself even when asleep?


Yeah. He doesn't have a spy camera so he's using his FX3.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 41
khamanna
Posted: May 16th, 2012, 11:18am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Bill, I'll get to yours too In time Worked this from bottom up.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 41
khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2012, 9:59am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79

Quoted from Reef Dreamer

I think Nick should be more interested in diverting his fiancés attention/distract her when the footage is on. I wasn't also sure about her description of saying the right thing at the right time. I struggled to see what this meant.


Thanks, I'll work on that.



Quoted from Reef Dreamer
P9 - i think the what is vourdalacks was a bit on the nose - maybe better to have him discover more as he goes on, eg call them creatures


I could go that route, I suppose, but decided to save pages.



Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Confined space - slug - i found this confusing, wasn't sure who, where what etc then i find out it is a photo booth


That I'm thinking about. I'll make it a flashback for sure or maybe even get rid of this recollection altogether.



Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Struggling to see why she would help Nick with the film - why him, why now etc


Hope It cleared up for you past page 50.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
P12 small point - you’ve used the word Stick, from more than one character


good point!


P12 - would they have mobile coverage where they are?
P12 i’m a bit confused on Gorcha - so far i have in my mind as a spirit, nows hes at the window?[/quote]


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Room description may need some work - how would we know it is shuttered on the outside?


good point and funny that I wrote that.



Quoted from Reef Dreamer
P15 -...is beautiful but I’m engaged... not sure why he’s telling himself this.


Not himself - he's talking into a camera, it's a documentary, he has to say something.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
P22 - “do you have an Amish footage” sounds a bit strange


Will work on that, thanks.



Quoted from Reef Dreamer
P25 dialogue between gorcha and gregory seems a little forced, re the weapons


You're right.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Boys - there are two boys but only Boris is really mentioned. do you need the other?


I already cut Gregory's younger brother from the novel. But this one I need that's why I kept both kids.



Quoted from Reef Dreamer
P28 is Nick suggesting he has to stay to protect them?


To protect Zdenka. I'll make that one clear, thanks.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
P30 is the camera was on the table filming through the window may be a big ask? also isnt it night?


You're right. We are supposed to see mostly shapes - just enough to understand that Nick is fighting Gorcha for Boris.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
P32 - gocha house stands aloof - did i miss something, how do we know that? have we seen it before? Not much desacription so i’m not sure what i’m seeing


Yeah, there's a scene that shows Gorcha's house - when Nick decides to return there.



Quoted from Reef Dreamer
P49-50 bar scene may need a little work to capture the meaning. veronica appears, does nothing, zdenka appears but nick gets into a fighter, after shes arrived?
P53 slug needs a dash
P63 grits his teeth
P65 “..but so is them..?” sounds strange
p87 corcha - name spelt wrong


All noted thanks.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 41
Grandma Bear
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
I just now today I had a chance to get back to your script. I am currently on page 12 and a thought occurred to me. Maybe you explained it earlier and I just forgot, but who is filming Nick?

Page 12. I have absolutely no idea what Zdenka's dialogue at the bottom of the page means.

Page 13. If Nick does not believe in those Vourdalacks, why does he want to make a documentary about them? I have to admit, that I am little bit confused.

Page 14. Just a nitpick. If the window is shuttered heavily from both sides, how can we see that? The only reason I mentioned little things like this is so you can reword your sentences and descriptions for a tighter more economical script.

Page 15. Instead of writing, he sneers while talking, obviously doesn't believe it at all. You could just call it sarcastic too…

Page 16. It must be a big house if Nick spent the whole day learning the floor plan. That comment sounds weird.

Just a question here, you say that Nick is in bed for quite some time. Since that would be boring to watch, has Nick already edited the film together?

Page 19. I know that Nick is supposed to be scared to death here, however, I don't feel it myself. Gorcha does not come across as scary. He seems more like a nice grandfather. I do not remember right now if this is horror, thriller or something else, but if you were aiming for horror you need to kick up the scare factor a little bit.

Page 20. Again, Nick says that Gorcha is scary and intense. You might want to change the old man's demeanor and actions so that will come across better.

Page 21. Zdenka says, this is not acceptable here. You may want to have Nick asked her why? Since they are not really brother and sister, what would be the problem? Or is it something else that is not acceptable? Either way, I think Nick should mention it.

Okay, so here we have Zdenka saying that she is in love with her brother and Nick has already told us that he is engaged, but here they are having sex together. Not sure how I feel about that. It is sort of a negative move on both their parts. It does not make me like either of them any more. I don't hate them, it is just one of those things that you don't do. Especially for Nick since he is going to get married.

Another question I had, was Nick not worried at all that Helen was going to see this part?

Page 22. Speak up, I can't see you. Rather odd thing to say, don't you think?

I have read to page 25. I will try to finish this script over the weekend. So far, my general impression is that this needs some work. I wouldn't really say that nothing has happened. Nick has had a fight with Helen. Gorcha is apparently a vampire, but we have not yet seen him do anything vampire-ish. Nick and Zdenka who loves other people and want to get married to those people had sex with each other. They are our main characters and so far, especially after having sex together, I can't say that I am really rooting for either one of them. I am also not sure what genre this is. I would have to go back to simply scripts in order to see what it is listed as. If it is horror, then I have not yet picked up on that vibe. Ditto that if this is supposed to be thriller. Drama, maybe. Fantasy, maybe.

I also don't get why this is Amish. So far, they don't come across that Amish to me. More like a semi-strict family.

There are also lots of grammar issues and weird word phrasings. Too many for me to mention. Now I know that English is not your 1st language so I do take that into account when reading. Also, you have done these 7WC before so you know as well as I do that these 1st drafts can be rough. Therefore, I hope that you can take my comments they way they are intended and not meant to be negative. We are all just trying to help each other here.

I'll get back with you with the rest, hopefully before the end of the weekend. Hope your move went smoothly.  



Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 41
khamanna
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Thanks Pia. No, still moving. It's back to my country for couple of years, you know Lots of stuff to do about the house and all...

Don't worry - I'm really thankful, not negative, not taking anything negatively. I haven't before, right.

I'll come back to your review, point by point, but too much to do right now

One important moment - Zdenka is not in love with her brother. HE is in love with her and she can't say no. At the same time, she says it's not acceptable in the village.
Read on and see - maybe it'll make sense to you at the end why Amish.

Thanks!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 41
Mr. Blonde
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57
All right, Khamanna. I took a look at this today. I didn't take specific notes about grammar or spelling or anything like that mostly because I'm sure you've gotten lots of help in regards to that so far. I will say that I think I enjoyed the idea more than the story.

The story itself was kind of a mess as you introduce people then they disappear (no pun intended) for a while then come back later but don't actually do anything. I liked Zdenka's character a lot but I really wasn't partial to any of the others. Some because they weren't fully developed or we barely got to know them.

It also felt like the video camera thing was tacked on. I mean, it is consistent for the first 60 pages or so but it's never really integral to the plot. Basically, there's no real reason for it that I could spot, as he kind of gives up on the documentary with about 20-25 pages left and that's the end of it.

I got really confused on some of the characters at times. This may be more on me than you as I usually have this problem in reading scripts and I'm certain it would be easier on screen.

Anyway, I enjoyed this overall and it seems like you have a good sense of where you're going so as is usual, it's about tightening up, improving the dialogue, adding sub-plots, etc. You know the drill by now but I can see it being quite good when it's complete. =)

6.5/10.

-Sean


Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 41
Pale Yellow
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
I've only looked at the first 10 pages but I like your writing style. I don't mind the unfilmables and I like the way you work the description into your characters throughout, not all in one blurb.

I'll try to read more. Pushed for time...only reason I put this down.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 41
khamanna
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79

Quoted from Pale Yellow
I've only looked at the first 10 pages but I like your writing style. I don't mind the unfilmables and I like the way you work the description into your characters throughout, not all in one blurb.

I'll try to read more. Pushed for time...only reason I put this down.


Oh, my - I don't hear that often Thanks, I'll be waiting for your review.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 41
khamanna
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79

Quoted from Mr. Blonde
All right, Khamanna. I took a look at this today. I didn't take specific notes about grammar or spelling or anything like that mostly because I'm sure you've gotten lots of help in regards to that so far. I will say that I think I enjoyed the idea more than the story.

The story itself was kind of a mess as you introduce people then they disappear (no pun intended) for a while then come back later but don't actually do anything. I liked Zdenka's character a lot but I really wasn't partial to any of the others. Some because they weren't fully developed or we barely got to know them.

It also felt like the video camera thing was tacked on. I mean, it is consistent for the first 60 pages or so but it's never really integral to the plot. Basically, there's no real reason for it that I could spot, as he kind of gives up on the documentary with about 20-25 pages left and that's the end of it.

I got really confused on some of the characters at times. This may be more on me than you as I usually have this problem in reading scripts and I'm certain it would be easier on screen.

Anyway, I enjoyed this overall and it seems like you have a good sense of where you're going so as is usual, it's about tightening up, improving the dialogue, adding sub-plots, etc. You know the drill by now but I can see it being quite good when it's complete. =)

6.5/10.

-Sean


Thank you Sean for the read! I didn't plan it as FF at all, not even as a hybrid. I just needed to introduce Helen and Zdenka in the first 30 pages and a footage here and there seems like the way to do it. Also it's a nice way to show past without retorting to flashbacks.

I hear you about Nick - I didn't feel his character when writing, maybe he'll come around with the rewrite. I'm happy you liked my Zdenka.

It's a really good point you made about introducing people that are not there for the great part of the script and then appear closer to the end. I think you're talking about Helen - I hear you and will be thinking about changes.

Thanks!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 41
khamanna
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Pia, I'll come back to your notes! I just want to address a lot of your notes and that will take time! Thanks again for the detailed review - means and helps a lot!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 41
Grandma Bear
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
No need to feel you have to answer all my scribblings. They are just thoughts as I read.  I haven't been able to finish yet. The rewrite of Arterial Motives has to take priority right now as they need to show it investors.

Good luck with the move. I hope that will go smooth.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 25 - 41
nawazm11
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 7:06am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
945
Posts Per Day
0.21
Hey, Khamanna. This is next.

Okay, to tell you the truth, I didn't understand the ending. Or, it just didn't make sense. It just didn't feel fulfilling. There was something lacking, a little vibe. Everything just happened. I'm not sure what it is, but I just didn't like it.

I think the idea of the found footage here was good, but I didn't like the execution of it. It reads fine in a screenplay, but it wouldn't look good in a movie. The camera stays still for minutes on end, showing people talking about vampires and amish and love. It would be a complete bore fest. IMO, ditch the found footage, or try and implement it in a way that doesn't make it seem as dull.

One thing I couldn't get my head around was that the story didn't focus on one thing. It kept deviating, from one thing to another. At first, I thought the story would be about Helen and Nick, but Helen didn't even seem important. She was just there so the story would progress without plot holes.

Nick didn't come off as a dick, but he wasn't likeable either for me. I think it was because he lacked a strong goal for the first half of the script. He was just there, so there would be a story to begin with. It felt tacked on, "I'm Nick, I met this guy at the bar, he seems interesting, let's go make a documentary about him." It just didn't feel right for me .

The story is about Vampires and Amish, but I think both of these are very lacking in the script, action wise. You say they're Amish, but there was no reason that they should be Amish, as they didn't even act like the Amish half the time. I think you need to focus on their culture and heritage a little more. You also say their Vampires/Vourdalacks, but they don't even show the slighest bit of vampire abilities until the second half of the scripts. They were vampires before Nick was there, I think? If so, I think you should give off some signs, kind of like teasing the audience.

Overall, I didn't feel much for the script , sorry to say. I didn't hate it, it was far from bad. I did like some aspects of it, mostly the angle on love and family, which I thought was very original. For a 7 weeks effort, you did a good job. I'd be happy with this for that amount of time, but it needs a few more rewrites.

Here are the notes I took, btw.

Title Page: You put a quotation mark when mentioning the original story but you don't finish it off with another one. Also, I searched the book on google and it says your title is spelt wrong?

Page 1: You might want to be careful with "And knows it". I see it a lot in scripts. His face can't show that he knows he's handsome, can it?

Page 2: "He stares ahead, and there’s some sort of fear in his eyes." He stares ahead, fear in his eyes.

Again, a strange, unfilmable description.

Page 4: Might work better as "INSERT SCREEN". Unless we're actually seeing the footage instead of filming the screen where it plays? Also, who's recording?

"behind a dinner table." Forgot the sit.

Page 7: "Zdenka is suddenly sad." A very dodgy sentence . Zdenka frowns.

Page 9: "Gregory’s children make an awful lot of noise." No need to mention it again.

Page 10: "CONFINED SPACE" I think you need a proper slug here instead of a mini one. Also, how'd a flashback appear in the footage?

Page 11: Who's filming this? Is the camera just sitting there in the corner? Wouldn't look very good on film if the camera doesn't move for 10 minutes.

Page 12: "I don't need a permission." No "A" needed.

Page 13: "That’s why I did not call." Sounds better as "That's why I didn't call."

Page 15: "The stake is not sharp enough." Cut that sentence out, IMO.

Page 18: "Yes, he did. He hit his child today if you must know." Doesn't sound like something Nick would say. It'd be more casual.

Page 21: The sex seemed very sudden.

Page 22: I think you need a VO if they're talking on the phone and you don't see the other person.

Page 23: "Gregoriy" No I.

Page 26: " He does have a loving family and he knows it." Not needed.

General Note: You seem to have a lot of unneeded unfilmables. Some of these are well suited for a novel but not for a screenplay. You could easily cut a few pages if you got rid of them all.

Page 28: "The kids gotten quiet and look at a picture book in a corner." have gotten quiet** But that still doesn't sound too good.

Page 29: "You do understand you’re putting your life on the line too, don’t you?" I thought Nick couldn't be bitten? As Gorcha doesn't 'love' him (no homo ).

Page 30: She knows how to use a camera?

Page 32: Is this being recorded by Nick, or it it just normal view?

Page 33: "Haven’t he told you?" Hasen't* Unless it's Amish talk?

Page 37: You killed a dog! Yes! Somebody who isn't scared to kill a pet in a script.

Might look a little weird for the boys to first hug Gorcha, and then suddenly run together and hug Zdenka.

"She moves to the sink and starts for the dirty dishes." No 'for'.

"He’s better watch his father." Think you need an 'a'.

Something just occured, why wouldn't they try and kick him out if they know he's a vampire? Maybe it's because he'd kill them, but shouldn't they just run away from him? Unless, he has some kind of super smell ability.

Page 39: The "I'm going to stay awake!" scene is cliched to death, but I always love them. A really easy way to squeeze some humour into the script. Good job.

"For you stupid documentary." Your.

Page 40: An amish swearing? To hell with those who sin!

Page 42: "Her heavy breath and longing eyes tell it all - she loves him and she wants him." Don't think this would work on screen.

Page 43: "The camera flickers, shows Helen smiling at him and dies." The footage, right??

Page 48: "Nick splashes his drink in Cowboy’s face." So lady-like! Change it, IMO. Something more fierce, not less chicken. Not sure if you've seen The Departed? But at the bar, when the dude ticks Leo off, he grabs his drink and smashes it across his head.

Page 49: "Do Amish dress like that these days? I’ll dig up an Amish girl for myself then." Me second! Just joking. Seems a little strange for the cowboy to be near an Amish village.

Page 54: "My FX-3 might be missing too if I knew what it was."

Page 58: I thought the cowboy was still in the bar?

I think you should name the house as sometimes I think he's walking into a new location.

Page 65: "So is them" ?

Page 73: "Just please... spear them if they don’t attack you. They are the only family I’ve got."   For a second there, I thought she meant spear, as in push the steak through their heart. You meant 'spare' didn't you?

Page 76: "Gregory pushes Zdenka away, grabs Boris and throws him at Nick." Really change that, as it would look hilariously unbelievable on film.

Page 80: Strange, that Amish skateboard...

Page 81: She believes him just like that? Also, she should be a lot more angrier, I mean her future husband had sex with some girl he met for a day!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 26 - 41
khamanna
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 8:34am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Big thanks, Nawazm11! (I need to learn your name )

I'll be on the back with the answers, I skimmed though the notes - thanks a lot, detailed and yet you gave me your overall feel - good to know, always food for thought.

I'll come back to you with the longer answer - it's just we are moving now and there's one other writing endeavor I stupidly chose to do...

I'm almost done with Steven's Radical Forecast. Next is yours then on my list!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 41
khamanna
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 8:35am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Aga! Mohammad! Thank you, Mohammad!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 41
khamanna
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79

Quoted from Grandma Bear
No need to feel you have to answer all my scribblings. They are just thoughts as I read.  I haven't been able to finish yet. The rewrite of Arterial Motives has to take priority right now as they need to show it investors.

Good luck with the move. I hope that will go smooth.  


Oh, okay! I won't answer in detail then, but just want you to know that those "scribblings" are being carefully studied by me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 29 - 41
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006