Hey, Khamanna. This is next.
Okay, to tell you the truth, I didn't understand the ending. Or, it just didn't make sense. It just didn't feel fulfilling. There was something lacking, a little vibe. Everything just happened. I'm not sure what it is, but I just didn't like it.
I think the idea of the found footage here was good, but I didn't like the execution of it. It reads fine in a screenplay, but it wouldn't look good in a movie. The camera stays still for minutes on end, showing people talking about vampires and amish and love. It would be a complete bore fest. IMO, ditch the found footage, or try and implement it in a way that doesn't make it seem as dull.
One thing I couldn't get my head around was that the story didn't focus on one thing. It kept deviating, from one thing to another. At first, I thought the story would be about Helen and Nick, but Helen didn't even seem important. She was just there so the story would progress without plot holes.
Nick didn't come off as a dick, but he wasn't likeable either for me. I think it was because he lacked a strong goal for the first half of the script. He was just there, so there would be a story to begin with. It felt tacked on, "I'm Nick, I met this guy at the bar, he seems interesting, let's go make a documentary about him." It just didn't feel right for me
.
The story is about Vampires and Amish, but I think both of these are very lacking in the script, action wise. You say they're Amish, but there was no reason that they should be Amish, as they didn't even act like the Amish half the time. I think you need to focus on their culture and heritage a little more. You also say their Vampires/Vourdalacks, but they don't even show the slighest bit of vampire abilities until the second half of the scripts. They were vampires before Nick was there, I think? If so, I think you should give off some signs, kind of like teasing the audience.
Overall, I didn't feel much for the script
, sorry to say. I didn't hate it, it was far from bad. I did like some aspects of it, mostly the angle on love and family, which I thought was very original. For a 7 weeks effort, you did a good job. I'd be happy with this for that amount of time, but it needs a few more rewrites.
Here are the notes I took, btw.
Title Page: You put a quotation mark when mentioning the original story but you don't finish it off with another one. Also, I searched the book on google and it says your title is spelt wrong?
Page 1: You might want to be careful with "And knows it". I see it a lot in scripts. His face can't show that he knows he's handsome, can it?
Page 2: "He stares ahead, and there’s some sort of fear in his eyes." He stares ahead, fear in his eyes.
Again, a strange, unfilmable description.
Page 4: Might work better as "INSERT SCREEN". Unless we're actually seeing the footage instead of filming the screen where it plays? Also, who's recording?
"behind a dinner table." Forgot the sit.
Page 7: "Zdenka is suddenly sad." A very dodgy sentence . Zdenka frowns.
Page 9: "Gregory’s children make an awful lot of noise." No need to mention it again.
Page 10: "CONFINED SPACE" I think you need a proper slug here instead of a mini one. Also, how'd a flashback appear in the footage?
Page 11: Who's filming this? Is the camera just sitting there in the corner? Wouldn't look very good on film if the camera doesn't move for 10 minutes.
Page 12: "I don't need a permission." No "A" needed.
Page 13: "That’s why I did not call." Sounds better as "That's why I didn't call."
Page 15: "The stake is not sharp enough." Cut that sentence out, IMO.
Page 18: "Yes, he did. He hit his child today if you must know." Doesn't sound like something Nick would say. It'd be more casual.
Page 21: The sex seemed very sudden.
Page 22: I think you need a VO if they're talking on the phone and you don't see the other person.
Page 23: "Gregoriy" No I.
Page 26: " He does have a loving family and he knows it." Not needed.
General Note: You seem to have a lot of unneeded unfilmables. Some of these are well suited for a novel but not for a screenplay. You could easily cut a few pages if you got rid of them all.
Page 28: "The kids gotten quiet and look at a picture book in a corner." have gotten quiet** But that still doesn't sound too good.
Page 29: "You do understand you’re putting your life on the line too, don’t you?" I thought Nick couldn't be bitten? As Gorcha doesn't 'love' him (no homo
).
Page 30: She knows how to use a camera?
Page 32: Is this being recorded by Nick, or it it just normal view?
Page 33: "Haven’t he told you?" Hasen't* Unless it's Amish talk?
Page 37: You killed a dog! Yes! Somebody who isn't scared to kill a pet in a script.
Might look a little weird for the boys to first hug Gorcha, and then suddenly run together and hug Zdenka.
"She moves to the sink and starts for the dirty dishes." No 'for'.
"He’s better watch his father." Think you need an 'a'.
Something just occured, why wouldn't they try and kick him out if they know he's a vampire? Maybe it's because he'd kill them, but shouldn't they just run away from him? Unless, he has some kind of super smell ability.
Page 39: The "I'm going to stay awake!" scene is cliched to death, but I always love them. A really easy way to squeeze some humour into the script. Good job.
"For you stupid documentary." Your.
Page 40: An amish swearing? To hell with those who sin!
Page 42: "Her heavy breath and longing eyes tell it all - she loves him and she wants him." Don't think this would work on screen.
Page 43: "The camera flickers, shows Helen smiling at him and dies." The footage, right??
Page 48: "Nick splashes his drink in Cowboy’s face." So lady-like! Change it, IMO. Something more fierce, not less chicken. Not sure if you've seen The Departed? But at the bar, when the dude ticks Leo off, he grabs his drink and smashes it across his head.
Page 49: "Do Amish dress like that these days? I’ll dig up an Amish girl for myself then." Me second!
Just joking. Seems a little strange for the cowboy to be near an Amish village.
Page 54: "My FX-3 might be missing too if I knew what it was."
Page 58: I thought the cowboy was still in the bar?
I think you should name the house as sometimes I think he's walking into a new location.
Page 65: "So is them" ?
Page 73: "Just please... spear them if they don’t attack you. They are the only family I’ve got."
For a second there, I thought she meant spear, as in push the steak through their heart. You meant 'spare' didn't you?
Page 76: "Gregory pushes Zdenka away, grabs Boris and throws him at Nick." Really change that, as it would look hilariously unbelievable on film.
Page 80: Strange, that Amish skateboard...
Page 81: She believes him just like that? Also, she should be a lot more angrier, I mean her future husband had sex with some girl he met for a day!