Hey Khamanna,

Your script is up next on my list and I see it’s an adapted piece. As I’ve never heard of it, I wonder if you’ve stayed true to the original story or added your own spin to it.

P.1 “A studio feel” Really in a studio apartment… who would have thought.

“including a camera and a film editing setup.”  I think this is superfluous, and filming equipment should be enough.

“sleeps there in his dirty jeans and shirt.” “there” could be taken out of this sentence for the better IMO.

“He stares at his dripping face.” He’s staring into a mirror right? Might want to add something about the mirror for clarity. Just a thought.

P.2 “BEDROOM” He was in bed in the loft before? Now I’m not a expert on studio apartments so it could be the same room?

“sort of fear” Sort of? Not sure about this, maybe it should just be fear in his eyes or a worried look.

“You’re home?” Should this be “Are you home?”

Unfilmables in the character descriptions, this is one for debate I guess as some like it and others don’t.  EDIT: See you use these a lot in your action, like I say it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and maybe something that needs to be established more visually sometimes.

“you’re back” reads wrong.

P.3 “you’re different.” Think this should be your different.

“Is that you’re saying?” missing “what” here.

P.4 “(ON SCREEN)” No need for the parenthetical here IMO… we know it’s on screen from the mini.

“city folks may afford” Wonder if this should be “can” instead of “may”

“That catches Helen’s attention.” Change this line to after the “back to scene” as we’re still “on screen” when it happens.

P. 5 “leans to him” Should this be “leans into him”

“strokes” A lot of stroking in the first 5 pages.

P.6 It needs to be clearer when we move into the house, I was briefly confused and had to do a double take to make sure where I was.

P.7 “but Gregory or Zdenka don’t look annoyed.” I would change “or” for and. This tripped me up at first and reads awkward IMO.

“Yours is a documentary right?” very much on the nose IMO, surely he would know this information.

I’m a bit confused by Gregory’s dialogue here. He says they do anything with hand like shaving and brushing teeth… well so do most people right? Unless he means literally with his hands? The dialogue here just needs to be reworked here IMO.

“Zdenka is suddenly sad.” Sorry but I don’t like this line at all, when is somebody suddenly sad in an instant?

P.8 “Your brother here, Gregory” Yep, pretty sure she’ll know his name.

“met me at the bar” What bar? “met me at a bar” would probably be better IMO.

I don’t know about Zdenka but I’m interested to know how someone goes from selling someone eggs to inviting them into their house to do a documentary?

“She wouldn’t continue” How would we know that?

“10” I would write out your numbers “ten”

“it’s the only way to get meat around here” No butchers? Love the fact there’s a bar though… they’ve got there priorities right.

“is” I’ve seen this little nasty around a few times when it could have been avoided for the best. Do a ctrl-f on your script when tackling a rewrite and try to eliminate as many as possible, just makes for a smoother read sometimes. Just a thought.

P.9 I wonder why you didn’t intro the kids earlier at the dinner table?

“Both disappear from sight.” I’d reword this one. Something like “Both exit the room upset” something like that anyway.

“You hit your kid” I thought she would say something more like “You hit Boris” She’s speaking like the child is a stranger at the moment.

“slamming shut the door behind” This reads awkward IMO.

“It’s only Nick and Zdenka in the room” Superfluous as we know this.

Just a quick question, is the camera still on at the moment?

“Dad asked to stick a stake into his heart” Think you’re missing “us” in this sentence.

“after the dawn” Take out “the” here in the same line of dialogue.

P.10 “Zdenka points at a grown girl in that picture.” Should be “in the picture”

“CONFINED SPACE” Was lost here at first, came from nowhere. Maybe you need a flashback transition and also change the slug to a photo booth which we find out was the confined space.

“Veronica” Isn’t capped on first intro.

She also states she didn’t know she was infected yet she expected an attack according the action? It’s a bit conflicting.

P.11 “the girl” change to Veronica, we know her name now.

“No, please. I’ll be happy to help you with it.”

Really! Isn’t she concerned about her dad?

“She disappears into the kitchen.” I thought they were in the kitchen? I guess the slug was house so it could have been anywhere but it might be better to clarify where they are in the beginning of this scene.

P.12 “I don’t need a permission.” Take out “a”

“sucking on his elbow” Elbow? That’s strange, always was thumb or… maybe not.

“She rises” When did she sit down? She was in the kitchen last time we saw.

“You think of it as of entertainment” Take out the second “of”

Okay, what is going on with Gorcha, this scene with him waving from the window with his kill came off as comedic to me? I don’t think it was meant too?

P.13 “Nick strokes her shoulder.” Back to the stroking.

Why did they invite Nick round if they knew this could happen?

“Helen kills the recording and exhales a sigh of frustration.”

So they’ve just watched all that?

P.14 “I’d call eventually.” Change this, it’s even more insulting to Helen.

Why’s Helen (O.S). Where is she now? It’s just the door slams shut after the dialogue.

“GUEST BEDROOM” Why can’t this be in the slug?

Maybe it’s just me but you’ve missed a really good part the story here. The whole scene before was setup for when Gorcha got home at 8. There could have been a lot of tension in that scene but you’ve skipped it completely and now it’s a day later. Something to think about.

“shuttered both from the outside and the inside.” How would we know it’s shuttered from the outside?

P.14/15 A personal thing but I would try not to let your dialogue go over two pages, looks messy IMO.

“He was resting the whole day yesterday” He got home at 8 in the evening.

“means my movie will live” Thought it was a documentary.

“Zdenka, is beautiful, but I’m engaged—“Seemed strange to say this… lucky Helen was still watching.

“turn” should be turns.

“She asked to forget” should be “she asked me to forget”

P.16 “Nick gets his backpack from under his bed” He already pulled it out to get his penknife.

“He sticks his watches under the lenses to see the time.” I was confused here? Do you mean watch? Where are he and the camera? I thought he was in bed?

P.18 “Did Gregory hit Boris today?” No idea but he did yesterday.

“He’s loosing it” should be “he’s losing it”

“It’s number one” add “the” after “it’s” here.

I’ve stopped at page 20 tonight and will continue as time allows during the week.

I’m not engaged into the story yet but have to say that Gorcha has added something to the mix in the guest bedroom scene, he’s already come across as the best character in what little he’s had to do.

Nick as a protag isn’t working for me at the moment, find him quite unlikeable to be honest… this could change of course.

Also think it’s been a slow opening 20 pages, not a lot has happened and maybe something to think about when coming to a rewrite.

Hope this helps.

Steve

Thanks Coop! I'll study your notes!

Hey Khamanna,

Continuing on today from page 20.

“Gregy” She hasn’t called him this once before this and doesn’t feel right.

“I’m in no position to tell no.” Should be “say” instead of tell.

I fail to understand why Zdenka feels like she has to marry Gregory here? If she doesn’t want too, then why even consider it?

P.21 “strokes” More stroking, something to look out for.

I’m finding it difficult to believe that Zdenka and Nick just suddenly have sex here, they hardly know each other. It just feels rather sudden and we’ve not learnt anything about their relationship. Doesn’t Zdenka care about Nick being engaged?
Also if he couldn’t reach to turn the camera off, how did he put the lid on the camera lens.

“Kissing and moaning fill the room.” Awkward IMO. Shouldn’t it be sound emitting from the television.

“MOANS emit from the television, echo through the room.”

Something like that anyway, just an idea.

“For a moment he sees Zdenka” How would we know this?

P.22 “Speak up, I can’t see you.” This sounds like he knew he nodded?

“UP” Why is up capped here?

P.23 “He strokes Boris’ hand.” Okay, I won’t mention it again but I would definitely look out for the stroking.

P.24 “So, how’s food?” missing “the” here.

P.25 “I thought you shot him from the distance” Take out “the” here.

“He looks at Nick to change the subject.” This needs to be clarified who is looking at Nick. I thought it was Gregory but it’s Gorcha who talks?

I have to be honest and say some of the dialogue here in this scene doesn’t read right and I’m a bit confused.

P.26 “run to Gorcha” Why are they running? They were sitting beside him at the dinner table.

P.27 “Nick finishes his dinner.” When did he start? Nah, I think there needs to be a tad more visuals on the dinner, a clanging of knives and forks on a plate, something visual to show them eating. There was an awful lot of talking but not much eating is all. Or take out this line which made me think about them eating in the first place.

P.28 “The kids gotten quiet and look at a picture book in a corner.” Think this segment could be reworded for the better.

If Gregory is concerned about Nick and Zdenka, then why doesn’t he ask Nick to leave? I mean, he invited him when selling him eggs so I’m sure it’s just as easy to ask him to leave.

“Nick got right into the belly.” I think this is supposed to be a term for “he’s surprised Gregory” but I’ve never heard it?

P.29 “Gregory gets up.” That’s twice in the last page, cut one.

“turn it of” Should be off.

“skate board” Is one word.

Why are they outside at night and learning to ride skateboards? I thought Gorcha was tired?

“Nick reaches under his shirt and pulls out a stake.” Huh! Where was he hiding it?

P.30 “Camera is positioned in a way that everything that goes on outside is being filmed through the window.” How, if Nick didn’t move it?

Is this entire scene outside supposed to be seen from the camera’s P.O.V?

“A figure appears and blocks everything that goes on in the
window.” Is this supposed to be “outside the window”

Watch out for all the sentences starting with “she” on this page in quick succession. Also, isn’t Zdenka worried about Boris? I mean if she’s thanking Nick then she must have known something bad was going to happen?

P.31 “Nick snaps the phone shuts.” Typo, should be shut.

“t-shirts,  underwear” An extra space here.

“He turns of” should be off.

All the stuff Nick does at the bottom of this page would take a little while, wonder if you need a series of shots or cut it down.

Also again watch out for repetitive use of “He” at the start of sentences, 6 times on a row on this page.

P.32 “a man in torn clothes makes way through the trees.” Missing “his” between makes and way.

I wonder if “man” should be capped, I know he doesn’t talk but he seems to be reference to something so important enough to be capped. I’m not sure really, he may never appear again which would raise another question of what was it all about?

“Coffee sloshes out” When instances like this happen, I have to ask why we haven’t moved to an INT. slug in the car?

“He’s being greeted by a loose dog.” Get rid if “being” in this line IMO.

P.33 “He hears” hear.

“CONTINUOUS” I think you can get rid of these on some of these mini-slugs.

“your father and your sister.” Take out the second “your”

“Haven’t he told you?” Haven’t should be hasn’t.

P.34 “ENTRANCE” It’s not a great mini-slug IMO but again why isn’t it in the full slug? Last time I’ll mention it.

I’m feeling sorry for Denis, he doesn’t get a lot to do and Boris is taking all the limelight so far.

P.35 “(on top of his lungs)” or shouts.

“Zdenka takes his rifle off dad’s shoulder.” Reads awkward.

P.38 They’re calling him a vampire but I haven’t seen any evidence except one scene where he moved with inhuman speed. Maybe there needs to be more clues or scenes showing of some vampire traits from Gorcha. Just an idea because I’m not seeing a vampire here, a weird old hunter maybe but certainly no vampire.

P.38 “in fear someone sees this.” or “in fear someone might see” Think it reads better.

“inside the wall” Literally inside the wall? But he then moves a flower pot?

P.39 “Gregory holds Nick’s camera.” He found it in the wall already, that was quick.

“For you stupid documentary.” You should be your.

“but he pins her to the ground with an angry stare.” That’s one almighty stare, normally people need some kind of body force to do this.

P.41 “Gregory disappears in the rooms.” Reads wrong IMO.

I don’t understand all this discussion about Gorcha coming back? Sorry to say but I’m a bit lost now in the story, hopefully it becomes clearer as I go on.

Why does Gregory have to stake Gorcha? I feel like the story is sometimes missing major plot elements and we’re catching up. Why is it Nick’s fault?

P.42 “sees Nick of.” Should be off.

“Zdenka watches him walk out” He’s already walked out at the top of this page.

P.43 “Nick tries to retrieve a footage” Take out “a” in this line.

“throws the tape to the floor” Think you mean disc.

P.44 “The camera is as good as new.” That was quick, maybe Nick should change jobs.

P.45 “wonders” should be wanders.

“She stares at broken pieces” missing “the” here. This whole scene with Helen at the apartment felt unnatural, I think it needs to be reworked when coming to a rewrite.

“IN MOTION” That’s a new one, never seen this transition before. Normally “DRIVING” is used but I’m up for learning new things.

“She holds coffee, so dark that she winces at every sip.”

Now I like a good coffee so I wondered what this could mean? Is it just a strong coffee?

P.46 “BARTERNDER” should be bartender.

P.47 “He signals to The Bartender and The Bartender knows what
the drink is.” This could do with some tightening.

“don’t you?” Think this should be aren’t you?

Have to ask about the cowboy, it’s a funny description IMO for the setting, where are we again? Now remember that I’m from Australia so it could be very possible. Just seemed random to have a cowboy show up and talk to Nick at a motel bar in an Amish village.

“The cowboy downs his drink at once.” Cowboy isn’t capped here and you’ve capped him after. And again at the bottom of page 48.

P.48 “Nick runs out of fuse.” I know what you’re trying to say but it needs to be reworded.

“He glares at a Cowboy” change “a” for the.

“He makes quotation marks at “Amish”.” I’ve never seen or heard this before, what does it mean?

P.49 How does the Cowboy know Zdenka is an Amish girl? He’s never seen her before.

“springs” Used this twice in quick succession to describe both characters getting up, mix it up.

“font” typo, should be front.

Okay, page 50 seems as good a time as any to stop tonight. I should finish this by the weekend.

I don’t think mentioned this last time but I’ll give my overall summary at the end.

There are a few problems for me up to this point, one major being that I feel that some plot elements have been hidden from the reader. It’s like we’ve come in after all the action has happened and am trying to catch up.

And the fact that I’m 50 pages in and there hasn’t really been any vampire stuff happening could be a problem, it is a bit slow to be honest.

I also think the dialogue has been an issue throughout and reads very unnatural and awkward at times.

This might sound like I hate this but that is far from the truth, in fact the bar and Veronica element I’ve just finished on is making me want to continue and find out what the Cowboy was talking about.

Hope this helps.

Steve

Khamanna,

Picked up your script again. I am sorry I am reading such small portions, but I have been very busy lately. Do not feel like you have 2 comment on all my thoughts. Some of my comments are just ramblings while I read.

I made it to page 55 today. I'm hoping to finish over the weekend. So far,IMO, the biggest issue with this story is what the characters do or don't do. Maybe I have already said that, I don't remember. It just seems to me that these characters do things or don't do things that are illogical. It could possibly, have something to do with your writing, but I am not sure. Some of your word choices might be what makes it confusing about the characters. Sometimes it's hard to picture what you actually intended for the characters to mean. I hope that makes sense.

Hope your move is going smoothly by the way.

Page 26. Gorcha calls Nick Nicky here. That feels rather odd to me. I don't think anyone has called him that before. It also sounds weird for an old man to call another guy  Nicky. If you know what I mean.

Nick says he feels love in here. I personally do not see where he gets that from. So far in this script, I have not sensed a lot of love at all.

You have a lot of asides in this script. I don't mind them every now and then, but they start to become annoying. Things like, he does have a loving family and he knows it. It is your script and obviously you do what you want with it, but, if it was my script, I would remove them.

Page 28. The kids gotten quiet… Come on, Khamanna!! Why not write " the kids are quiet"?   I know English is not your 1st language, but that one stood out like a sore thumb.

I don't understand what you mean with " Nick got right into the belly"? At 1st I thought you meant a fight started.

Page 30. So, Gorcha is taking Boris away. I guess to make him a vampire. Maybe I have forgotten something since last time I read this, but I thought they all knew that Gorcha was a Vourdalack. So, I don't quite understand why Nick is racing after him. It did not seem to me before that anyone cared if someone was a vourdalack or not. It also makes me wonder why, Gorcha flashes a sly smile. None of it seems to go together, IMHO.

Page 31. I think it would be better if you described Nick's face instead of telling us " it can be told that Jerry isn't happy with that suggestion".

Page 32. I don't think that " meddles" is the right word to use here.

Page 33. Again, odd choice of word here. Zdenka, shudders. There is nothing wrong with the word itself, I just don't think it's what you really mean. Maybe she was startled instead?

Also, I don't quite understand what she is doing. 1st she shudders and she smiles a happy smile and then she fights to hold back a scream. Seems like there are too many emotions going on here.

I thought Greg said just a few pages ago that he would kill Nick if he ever came back again? What happened to that?

Page 34. The next scene takes place inside the house at night. I wasn't sure if this is now a regular footage or the found footage.

Page 35. This is an ex-ample of what I said earlier. They said there is so much love in that house. So far, I haven't seen it. Quite the opposite. Unpleasant too when hitting a child.

Page 36. I don't understand why Gregory and Nick focus on the stakes in his backpack. Are they going to kill Gorcha? If so, why? As far as I can see, he has not done anything bad. I think I know what you are trying for here. However, it doesn't work and the reason is we do not fear Gorcha at all. For us to be able to feel the suspense and tension we must fear him and what he is capable of. The only way to do that is showing us that he is bad. So far, he is the only one that has shown us that love that this family has. To see what I mean? I have a hard time explaining myself and get my thoughts across. English is not my 1st language either.  

Page 37. Zdenka seems to spend hundred percent of her time in the kitchen.

Page 39. Nick catches a glimpse of Gregory and the rest in the living room. That's a little bit lazy don't you think? The rest, who? Everyone including the kids? You need to write exactly who we see.

Gregory pins her to the ground? How do they get on the ground? Was there a fight?

Page 40. There are lots of typos and grammar issues so I usually don't comment on them, but it is supposed to be stomps instead of stamps.

Page 41. Would Nick really say darn it? I don't think so….

Page 43. I thought the camera was busted? I guess it still works to see some footage on. However, you need to change the line where you say Helen smiling at him and dies. At 1st I thought you meant that Helen died.

Nick says on the note to Helen that he slept with a girl and it doesn't matter, I just want the story. Will be back soon. I have to say, Nick must be a very very stupid guy if he thinks that Helen is going to be fine with that. LOL.

Page 44. In this studio apartment, who is holding the camera? Is it just stationary? You may want to mention the camera moving on what it is focusing on so we can get a feel for the found footage.

Page 45. Nick has just fixed he's busted camera, yet, he throws it on the bed? I would imagine that he'd be more careful with it.

Helen sure is multitasking while driving…

Page 46. Hebert. Anything to do with Charlie at movie poet?

Page 50. Again, in the motel room, is Nick filming or not? I have a hard time telling when it this regular footage or found footage. I see, I guess in this case its regular footage.

Page 51. I don't understand why Gregory would have listened to Nick if he was not engaged. Why does that matter?

Page 52. Gorcha appears where? I had a hard time picturing that.

Page 53. I just had a thought, who is home with Boris?

Page 54. Why is Nick accusing the cowboy of stealing his camera? How would the Cowboys have got into his motel room?

Page 57. Nick hurries out of the bar. He turns around to see that nobody is following him. But yet, the cowboy is talking to him. Is he outside with Nick or is he in the bar?

Page 58. You do not state in your slug line if this is day or night. Also, whose house is this? Is it a new one or is it Zdenka's?

Page 60. If Zdenka wanted to see the footage, why not ask Nick to show it to her at the hotel instead of stealing it?

She loses her hair?………

Page 61. You write that Nick walks into the kitchen. However, you never have a slug line for the kitchen.

Chilly not chilli.

Page 63. Nick's complete change of feelings towards Zdenka here seems kind of off to me. The day before they slept together and now he is throwing dirt at her and calling her a stupid bloodthirsty leech.

Page 64. After he have just ran away from her and called her nasty names, now he runs back to her so she can save him? Sometimes the characters in this story do things that are not logical. At least not to me.

Page 66. I don't really understand what's going on here. Is the camera inside the wall? That's what I thought it meant. But now it seems like it's a projector playing the film from earlier of them on the wall? It's a little confusing as I do not understand what screen they are looking at.

Page 76. Gregory throws Boris at Nick? Just a thought here. Where is Helen? I thought she was coming.

Okay, finished your script. If you question still remains. The 1st one would be, what happened to the cowboy bartender and Veronica? When Nick saw them last time they were very pale, almost gray. What was that all about? We never find out. Where the vampires as well? I didn't get that.

Also, here in the end Nick decides to go back to Zdenka. That's fine. However, why did Gorcha decide to bite her too? Isn't that setting up for a rather trouble some family dynamics? Having Nick lived with both Helen and I can't really see that working out very well for Nick. LOL!

Anyway, I think it was great of you to finish another feature. It was also your 2nd time at least to take part of the 7WC. Congratulations for that. I remember before the scripts were posted, that you said you weren't sure if you should post it or not because it sucked. I would not agree with you there. Your script did not suck, however, it does need work. Like I said in my previous post, I think the biggest issue with your script is your writing and your characters. Your characters come off as very un-even. I think if you read through your script and each time you read through it try to concentrate on only one character. Follow that character only and look at their actions and dialogue. That might help you to see what I mean with uneven. I think your own writing and word choices might perhaps exaggerate how a reader views your characters. Your basic story and what you're trying to accomplish with it is not bad at all. That's good because you don't have to restructure your story just polish the words, the characters and dialogue.

I hope my comments can be of any help to you.

Pia  

Pia, thanks! I won't go through the comments then - you said no need, but I want you to know that I appreciate it a lot and reading into it. Every review brings something new.

I'll get back to the script later this month (not to jinx it hopefully ) And knowing how busy you are this month... So big thanks!

Hey Coop, I appreciate you reading on. I love all the grammar suggestions too - even though a large portion of it is gonna be rewritten it's still extremely useful to me - helps better my language
Like I said I'm studying your comments and thinking about the rewrite strategy. I hope you don't mind if I don't response to the comments in detail. I decided not to anymore, which doesn't change anything really - I still analyze everything said just the same Thanks!

Quoted from khamanna Pia, thanks! I won't go through the comments then - you said no need, but I want you to know that I appreciate it a lot and reading into it. Every review brings something new. I'll get back to the script later this month (not to jinx it hopefully ) And knowing how busy you are this month... So big thanks!

I'm sorry I took so long. As long as there's something there you can use, I'm happy. No need to address everything I commented on.

If you have any questions about any of my thoughts, just ask. If I don't respond, just pm me because I must have missed your question.

Pia  

Hey Khamanna,

Continuing on from page 50 today, hoping to finish.

I wouldn’t expect you to answer all my notes which BTW are purely my own observations when reading. You have to remember that I’m still very raw and inexperienced so a lot I say could be very wrong or me misinterpreting something.

P.50 “Nick and Zdenka enter. Zdenka rushes in with Nick in tow.”

This seems to be one in the same, I would cut the first segment here.

P.52 So Zdenka is okay to have sex on camera? Isn’t she worried about the footage?

P.53 “INT. MOTEL ROOM DAY” this slug is missing a dash or something to break it up.

How can a room be dark but still have sunlight coming through?

“as if she was not here at all.” Wonder if “here” should be there.

P.54 “Anyone came in yesterday?” came should be come.

“from the bar scene” This is totally unnecessary IMO.

P.57 The Cowboy started (O.S) when Nick left the bar but then he wasn’t? Did he exit the bar?

P.58 “EXT. HOUSE” Who’s house? The slug is vague and might need more description here.

P.59 “The stool he’s sitting on” He was sitting on a bench before.

“Zdenka storms in” Where was she before?

“He couldn’t been.” Missing “have” here.

P.60 Why take the camera? Why couldn’t Nick and Zdenka watched it together.

“She looses her hair.” Huh? Hopefully this is not what I think?

Is she blackmailing Nick now, tell Gregory about us and you can have your camera back. I also thought that Zdenka thinks Nick has taken advantage of her?

“spider nets” think you mean webs.

P.61 “GUEST BEDROOM” There was no mini-slug for the kitchen before but you have one here? It’s best to stay consistent.

“chilly” should be chilli.

P.62 “abandoned leg from the chair, that Nick ripped of just a while ago.”

It went from bench to stool and now chair? What did Nick sit on? Also “of” should be “off”

P.63 “ZDENKA (V.O.)” I think this should be O.S

That was one hell of a throw by Denis, to hit somebody flush on the head with a stool leg. I can see the scouts now…

“Nick greets his teeth” I’ve never heard of greeting your teeth?

I’m a bit confused here, I thought Zdenka wanted Nick’s help? Why is he running away calling her a leech? I feel like I’ve missed something again.

P.64 Are they trying to kill Nick? Why now and not before?

P.65 So Zdenka is helping Nick? These last couple of scenes have come off confusing.

“You have some time to think but so is them, you know.”

I wasn’t sure what this line of dialogue meant?

“kitchen” No need for this as you have a mini-slug. It would also mean getting rid of that nasty orphan.

“to help him up” He stood up in the last scene.

Is a stool really the only weapon he can find?

P.66 “where Nick put camera once” missing “the” here

What’s in the wall, his camera or a projector?

So Nick didn’t know he got bitten?

P.67 She stops the bleeding with her finger? Needs more than that I’m afraid and if Nick had bluish lips then am I right in thinking he lost quite a lot of blood? Something to think about.

“that left.” Should be that’s

So now she wants Nick to be with her but what about Gregory and them getting married?

P.69 “Someone bangs the door and growls outside.” I’ve just had a thought, yeah the doors locked but don’t they have keys… I mean they live there.

“It’s from the bite.” Talk about a late reaction.

P.70 “She gets a glass of fresh blood from a cupboard.” No, sorry but it should be kept in the fridge to keep it fresh. It would taste horrible kept in the cupboard.

“He keeps silence” or silent.

P.73 “Wait. This documentary must worth a fortune.”

I think this should be taken out, why she is so concerned about the camera if Nick’s life is at (mind the pun) stake.

“As soon as she gets the camera out she goes back to the way
she always were.” Reword this segment, reads awkward.

“with the thud.” Change “the” with a

“Just please... spear them if they don’t attack you.” I think this is wrong unless she wants her family dead… think you meant “spare”

P.74 “it’s obvious that he believes her.” Try to be more visual here. It wouldn’t be obvious to the viewer.

“Something steers in his face.” Should this be stirs?

“It wouldn’t budge.” Should this be “it won’t budge”

“Go in peace.” There has to be a better line than this.

P.75 “(V.O.)” Again shouldn’t this be O.S

P.76 “breath” should be breathe.

“tires are empty.” I think flat would be a better description.

P.78 “INT. HELEN’S CAR NIGHT” Another slug missing a dash?

It’s also night, it’s been a long time since we had a day or night in the slugs and I think it’s important to know when it became night. I know it was day when Nick got to the house, just a thought.

P.79 “INT. CAR” It was Helen’s car before, why change?

“She starts the car again.” Why is she turning off the car? You would keep the engine running surely.

“There’s Denis standing in front of her.” Change “her” to car. Also Denis isn’t getting much luck with cars, that’s twice someone’s tried to run him over.

P.80 “He picks his board” Missing “up” here.

“INT. HELEN’S CAR” Now we’re back to Helen’s car.

Denis is certainly riding fast on that skateboard, to be keeping up with a car.

“Thanks for coming back for me.” Coming back?

So vampires are trying to kill them, the car tires have been slashed and their talking about the footage back at his flat not being enough for the documentary.

P.82 “They ride in silence for a while.” There’s been a bit of silence here… wouldn’t look great on screen.

P.83 “not stand on your way then” On should be in.

“Helen is ready to kill him” Give Nick a break, everybody wants to kill him.

P.84 It sounds like Helen knows the whole story with the remark about weakness and Zdenka wanting his blood. It’s just I haven’t heard Nick tell her anything about what has happened?

I think it’s time I mention something from earlier, I left it because I thought it would come into play but it seems unlikely now.

P.77 “A pothole, but Nick avoids it.” Absolutely superfluous unless this pothole going to play a role in the car flipping over or something like I said above.

P.85 “He drags to his feet” take out “to”

P.87 “There’s a glint of worry, but in a moment he’s alright” Please tell me he didn’t get over Helen that easily… the woman he was going to marry. I mean a moment of worry before he’s alright.

“CORCHA” should be Gorcha.

“She peers into her eyes” How can one peer into their own eyes?

P.88 “EXT. ROAD NIGHT” Another missing dash, keep an eye out for these.

I’ll be honest Khamanna and say this one wasn’t for me and by the end I was left confused and for me the story is still unresolved, the ending fell flat for me sorry to say.

Nick is unlikeable IMO and doesn’t seem to have a journey here, well he does but he gives off mixed signals if you know what I mean.

Let’s take the last 30 pages for example where he tries to escape, then talks to Zdenka who tells him that she wants him to join the family but he has to run unless her family will kill him. Also he’s told he’s half human/vampire now.

So he runs fighting off the family members or should I say the kids (Boris and Denis) who did all the work BTW before deciding during his escape he’ll go back to Zdenka.

Where everything is suddenly alright and hunky dory with the kids skipping in the background (the same kids who were trying to kill him moments earlier) while he shows no concern for his fiancée who could for all we know is being killed by Gorcha.

I didn’t know enough about him before the end to understand how he developed over the piece, for me he was a weak protag and needs work in the rewrite.

Other characters were just never developed, Gorcha had personality but never got anything to do. It seemed all his scenes were told to us after they happened.

Gregory was a waste, he seemed aggressive and bad tempted a lot and he obviously hated Nick but you never really played out this side of the story. If anything there could have been a final vampire showdown between Nick and Gregory for Zdenka but I have to be honest and say I don’t know if the marriage proposal from Gregory was a lie or not now?

What happened to The Cowboy and Veronica who came into play and disappeared? Veronica seemed like a twist in the tale when you revealed her in the bar but she had no role whatsoever after… seems a waste.

The camera/footage thing went out the window after page 50 and even before that it was sometimes difficult to know where you supposed to be on screen.

I would also recommend spicing up those first 50 pages as it took some time to get going. If they were vampires all the time then why not build some tension during those early scenes… give us the audience some hints.

Make us feel scared for Nick, knowing something he doesn’t in the story could help this because I also felt like I had come into a scene after the best bit had happened. It felt like playing catch up with a lot exposition dialogue to fill me in and even then I sometimes felt confused.

All in all this wasn’t for me but like I said before, I’m an amateur and this is only my opinion.

There’s a good base for a story here but I think its characters need to be better developed and maybe the footage angle dropped. I know you’re planning on a rewrite and I hope some of the notes above have helped.

Congrats on completing the 7WC.

Steve

Thanks Coop - much appreciated and there's a lot to use from your comments. I see it didn't work for you which is alright

I'm planning to start on the rewrite sometime this or next month.

Good script you got here!  I just wanted to let you know about adaptations. You have to be really careful with adaptations. You have to get permission and... Well you know. I'm not discouraging you from adapting stories. I'm just saying becareful what you adapt. Some authors aren't as open minded as others when it comes to their work being adapted.

Hi Abeoldieboy
Thanks for checking out my script!
I see what you're saying - A. K. Tolstoy is A 19th century author (born and died in 18smth) so no worries here))