All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Repercussions (was Birth of a Psycho) (currently 13289 views)
DustinBowcot
Posted: April 5th, 2013, 2:24am
Guest User
Quoted from Dreamscale
Exactly.
Anything and everything is fine in dialogue, but action/description? No...definitely not.
Everybody in the UK knows what a Council Estate is. So yes it is perfectly fine to write that.
You used a word not even in the dictionary in your script. A specialised slang word for whitewater rafting. Not even country-based slang. I had to look it up with two keywords. I gave you the correct advice to add a following line of description to prevent people having to do what I did as not everybody would understand what it means.
The difference with me is that everybody that I am marketing this script to and every viewer in my country that the film is for will KNOW what a council estate is right away.
Council Estate isn't slang. And it sounds like the word Dreamscale used might have been jargon rather than slang -- which should also be avoided in scripts.
I think Libby makes an interesting - and valid - point about the insistence on this board for criticisms of "slang". Michael is right on by saying that Council Estate is not slang. If anything, the US variation for this is slang, seeing as US English is a mere branch of the English language.
Haven't read the script, but I agree with Dustin that the title would potentially thrive in the DVD market. There's a whole market dedicated to this type of material in the UK (Fall of the Essex Boys, etc) that will get a limited (if at all) release and will rely on the DVD sales for revenue. Typically the budget will go anywhere from 100k to 500k.
The slang word was'yobbo' or 'yob' which is more than familiar to Aussie & UK residents and therefore to the market Dustin's script is aimed at.
The venacular or colloquial usage is a different thing entirely. And imh, we shouldn't be afraid of using words when we know the market we are targeting will be more than familiar with these words. It's just mildly annoying when things like this are focused on when google is at the disposal of readers. Thanks for the backup Andrew.
Glad to hear you have some interest from some indie producers, but having worked with some myself, having a bunch of canon-wavers queueing for it doesn't mean that it's either a good script, or that it'll be a good film.
Thank you. I'm far from stupid. I'm also streetwise. I have a good idea of how things go already. It actually has little to do with how a script is written, unless it's obviously bad of course.
And you use the term 'interest'. And that sounds like re-write territory, so I'd be asking them what they want to up it from interest to must-have.
I'm quite prepared to rewrite whatever. I'm a fast worker. I could rewrite that script in 7 days if I pushed myself. As it stands it has garnered interest already, so it has potential. It's the story that counts and it is there and well written. I'll agree that there are holes that need filling, that will be the case with any screenplay. I have no problem collaborating with a producer, director or even another writer if they want to bring a fresh voice onto the team. Making a film is a team effort and not everybody is going to like everything in a script. It is my job to listen to opinions and make the relevant changes. Which I can do easily, once I know what they are.
Some of this reminded me of Shane Meadow's 'Dead Man's Shoes', which I'm sure you're aware of, but this doesn't contain the same ingenuity of that piece.
One of my main concerns is just with John - he's too placid, and just takes everything on the chin - spends too much time 'cowering' and just going 'no, no, no, don't hurt anyone'. I'd like to see this guy a bit more active and aggressive, or characterful. I know he turns later on, but his character arc isn't right for him to turn into a psycho - I just don't think he's well enough draw for that. Besides, it's in danger of looking like a bleak Brit version of 'Falling Down'.
His character arc is perfect for him to turn into a psycho. You obviously haven't met very many. Psycho's are all cowards. They pick victims. That means they target what they consider to be prey. Just like all of the animal kingdom, hunters take out prey weaker than them. The kid that shoots a bunch of school children... bullied at school, a loner, etc etc. Same old stroy. Why are people introverted? Fear. Fear = scared. Scared = cowardice.
His house is robbed and he is held hostage over night. They show him how much of a coward he is... and three guys in your home will do that easily, no matter how heroic you feel you are. I'm not writing a Hollywood piece of bulls***. Not on this occasion anyway. Three guys have him held in his own home and they are waiting there all night for the banks to open in the morning. They smoke crack, torture you both physically and psychologically, then rape your wife. They then rob your life savings the next morning and are gone. poof. What could you do about it? Remember, this isn't Hollywood..
Recall the scene in DMS, where Richard kills Herbie? It's that kind of thing that I feel this needs.
I liked that film.. and I think the scene where he breaks into the house and does silly things to them. It was a while ago since I saw that, but doesn't he dye the guy's hair while he is asleep? I didn't like that piece of theatrics. The rest of the film was good. I think the theatrics harmed the film... and I suspect it was only there to make him more pro-active while he travelled through the psychosis scenes. Purely because of this thing that says the protag has to be pro-active earlier. That's hollywood creeping into real drama, imo. This is very much a Brit flick. i did write that in the description but it never made it into the thread.
As it is, Jason may as well be the protag - he's a sight more interesting than dull John.
That was the idea... although I'm also inclined to agree that I may have taken it too far. Milked it too much. Something that is easily remedied on a rewrite. That for me is no issue whatsoever.
Exclude the language from this, and it feels like an episode of Eastenders.
That, sir is an idiotic statement and you know it. I'll have to start watching that 'family show' now that I know it is full of drug taking, robbery, murder and rape. Who'd have thunk it, lol.
Pages 30-36 I struggling ... scenes are too long, and I'm wondering where we're going?
That is where his wife has been placed into hospital and he starts suffering from delusions. Which one could argue is actually the turning point for the Protag'. He starts to turn and then BAM, the cops catch the robbers. Which is supposed to happen too in a story. Admittedly though the scenes could be too long, which is an easy fix.
Okay - I'm out at p45. Gave it a go, but John's crying again, and having a cup of tea. I think if he's going to do anything, then he needs to start doing it by now. This guy's just hard to identify with - stuff happens to him, and he's just getting washed over - even the policewoman's almost offering him a hug. I'm just left thinking - what's Jason up to? Can't we go with him instead?
Here is an excerpt from page 45:
JOHN That's it, you fucking coward. Hide. I'm not afraid of you anymore.
John sits down on the settee with the baseball bat across his lap.
Where is he crying? Indeed it is a turning point as he is no longer afraid.
Sorry Dustin - this needs more to drive it, and John's just got to get himself a set o' balls. And yeah - I know you're going to say 'he gets them later',but that's not going to wash with this set-up.
I'm sorry to hear that this isn't exciting enough for you and sounds like a mere episode of Eastenders. People smoking crack on screen, gang raping a guy's wife while forcing him to watch. I actually deleted a scene where they forced him to give his own wife oral after they'd raped her. I deleted it as too graphic, perhaps I should have left it in now, just to get it to that over 18 standard, LOL. Then the psychosis, chopping up bodies and just generally murdering people. There was I thinking that those types of family shows picked on topical issues like teen pregnancy.
Haven't read the script, but I agree with Dustin that the title would potentially thrive in the DVD market. There's a whole market dedicated to this type of material in the UK (Fall of the Essex Boys, etc) that will get a limited (if at all) release and will rely on the DVD sales for revenue. Typically the budget will go anywhere from 100k to 500k.
Yep, males 20-40 eat this stuff up all day. I reckon this film could be made cheaper. There are guys making films for 10K. Although I think this film could get made for 50-60k, a similar budget to Dead Man's Shoes mentioned earlier. I could write out certain scenes no problem. Like cut the hospital scenes to just one. Even cut out the work place scenes altogether too. The dog isn't really needed either.
I just feel that these are things I can iron out depending on budget. To be honest I just want a writing credit. I've got a million ideas so losing one cheap isn't going to affect me at all.
If you can get it made for 50-60k, get it done and with the right exposure and distro in place, it could get 'in the black', and boom you got an angle to get bigger budgets (and more exposure) for those other ideas. Lot of it is luck, but fortune favours the bold. I'd definitely say that if you're going to get this made for that type of budget, you've got leverage for some form of producing credit, which will open more doors down the line - esepcially if the project makes any money.
Seems a few of you have some kind of hard on for being from wherever you are and take issue to anyone not form there who tells you your word choice doesn't work for the masses.
I wish I could just ignore all this, but I'm sorry, I can't.
If you're describing a certain sport, there's going to be words that non players won't know - words that are specific to said sport.
But, why anyone would want to use words, slangs, etc. that no one other than those who live in the area, or a similar area would know or even understand, is beyond me.
Dustin, I'm a little bummed actually how you mostly completely disregarded my feedback. As I said and always say, I'm just trying to help. Maybe you don't need any help. I don't know, but I do know I'm glad I stopped after 5 pages and didn't waste anymore of either of our time.
Maybe LC can offer you some praise and write her feedback using all sorts of slangs and colloquialisms.
Seems a few of you have some kind of hard on for being from wherever you are and take issue to anyone not form there who tells you your word choice doesn't work for the masses.
The language used works for the whole country this film is marketed for. So it does work for the masses. This is a Brit Flick for the people in Britain. It will never ever be sent to a US producer, unless they make Brit Flicks, which is always a possibility too.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I wish I could just ignore all this, but I'm sorry, I can't.
All what?
Quoted from Dreamscale
If you're describing a certain sport, there's going to be words that non players won't know - words that are specific to said sport.
I am talking about the word Boof that you used. That is a specific word to whitewater rafters or canoers, whatever they are. Got nothing to do with code words passed around players to represent set pieces.
Quoted from Dreamscale
But, why anyone would want to use words, slangs, etc. that no one other than those who live in the area, or a similar area would know or even understand, is beyond me.
Or a similar area... like a whole country? LOL. It is beyond you?
Quoted from Dreamscale
Dustin, I'm a little bummed actually how you mostly completely disregarded my feedback. As I said and always say, I'm just trying to help. Maybe you don't need any help. I don't know, but I do know I'm glad I stopped after 5 pages and didn't waste anymore of either of our time.
You may well have been bummed, whatever you do in your spare time is up to you. However, I don't think that you should advertise it on boards for screenwriting. I've heard your feedback before from other people... but I haven't changed it because it never seems to be a problem for anyone aside from angry amateur screenwriters like yourself.
Quoted from Dreamscale
Maybe LC can offer you some praise and write her feedback using all sorts of slangs and colloquialisms.
The only slang phrase I have used outside of dialogue was the extra 'his' in one particular sentence. It's how we speak around here. We'd say he's dressed in his overalls. There isn't actually any need for the extra word though.
You may well have been bummed, whatever you do in your spare time is up to you. However, I don't think that you should advertise it on boards for screenwriting.
I've heard your feedback before from other people... but I haven't changed it because it never seems to be a problem for anyone aside from angry amateur screenwriters like yourself.
Not sure what this is supposed to mean, Dustin. Can you elaborate, please?
My point is that I am bummed you didn't even thank me or address the numerous issues I brought, trying to help.
Am I an angry Amateur Screenwriter? Is that a pot shot...from a yob? Funny.
Not sure what this is supposed to mean, Dustin. Can you elaborate, please?
I'm just saying that I don't think this is the right place to tell everybody you've been bummed. I'm sure if you hit google that you could find forums for that. I'm not sure if it's legal though... have the catholic church legalised it now?
My point is that I am bummed. You didn't even thank me or address the numerous issues I brought, trying to help.
I have no need of addressing any issues at this stage of the script. I already know that as I have been told by professionals that would possibly be willing to risk money in this venture. So i will edit if needs be. I'm writing quite a lot at the moment. I have two high concept hollywood films to complete... these written in American, so easy for you to understand. I haven't got time to go back through old scripts, particularly my first script when it has already garnered interest.
This film is simple mathematics. I've written it that way. Minimum budget and the right ingredients to appeal to the male 20-40 age group... that watch more DVD's than anybody else. Although the kiddy market seems quite huge now too. I know my kids go to bed every night with a film. So low budget, make a profit. Simple maths. I pluralised that deliberately by the way... it's how we do it here.