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I think what Jeff meant, is that when you take your time to read and comment on someone's script posted here, you'd expect at least a Thank You. Even if you didn't agree with the comments.
Now you have told us that you're not planning to rewrite this script based on any comments you get here and that you already have people interested in this script. I have to wonder why you even posted it here?
Dude, WTF are you talking about? You sniffing some of that shit, hitting the crack pipe?
Maybe this is an attempt at some British humor that I'm not getting? Hopefully Andrew and LC think it's funny.
If it helps, I didn't actually find it funny!
Jeff, I certainly wasn't directing my comments at you - I think you know by now that I will just say things outright! To be fair, Aussies are by far the worst for 'correcting' the English on their own language. Anyone who's English and has backpacked across Australia will attest to that and have a story. At the end of the day, it's all fun and games.
I think what Jeff meant, is that when you take your time to read and comment on someone's script posted here, you'd expect at least a Thank You. Even if you didn't agree with the comments.
I'll have to address all of his comments individually, although I believe I have already done that.
Now you have told us that you're not planning to rewrite this script based on any comments you get here and that you already have people interested in this script. I have to wonder why you even posted it here?
OK...got it now...I'm a little slow sometimes. Thanks, Simon.
Andrew, no, we're cool. I hear ya.
Dustin, you don't need to address my comments if you don't want to. As I said, just throwing some things out that I thought could help - if they didn't help, ignore them and go on your merry way.
As for the UKisms, be they slang or be they actual, correct words, I was just saying that I had no idea what they meant or were. For those who easily understand them, fantastic.
Sorry Jeff, but in Brit slang, 'being bummed' means having anal sex. Yeah. It's that weak.
Really? I found it quite ironic considering he was complaining about not not using language the masses can understand and then uses a word like that himself. It wasn't meant to be funny... aside from in an ironic sense. Don't tell me you can't see the irony?
Dustin, you don't need to address my comments if you don't want to.
Well, I can see that it really bothers you. So I'll go through your points and tell you "well done" when you've done something right... how about that?
I don't usually do public reviews anymore, so I probably should not make an exception. What's more, the writer does not seem to want reviews, but simply to post his script. By the way, is there a way to do that here? Post it in a locked thread or something?
Anyway, I followed some of the argument, and discarding good sense, took a peak at the script. I've read the first 12 pages, but before I get to comments on that, I should be up front that Dustin has come off in the thread here as somewhat arrogant. All of us writers defend our work, and it takes a thick skin, and all of us have skin that could use some toughening. But I thought Dustin should have been a little more appreciative of the reviews, even if he disagreed with them. Common courtesy if nothing else.
That said, I have to say that in my opinion there is nothing at all wrong with the writing here. And I sense that some piling on might be in play based on prior discussions which took place in other threads. Judged against other amateur scripts, the writing is actually quite good.
Let's take a look at the slang. I don't know what a yob is, but I can figure it out immediately from the description of the scene and characters. So the word works fine and even good since we don't have to digest the usual words like 'thug'.
As far as the opening slug, again, I was not sure what to picture, but if this is written for a British market, so what. It's my problem. More importantly, in the subsequent description, I know that it's basically similar to a projects here, or public housing. Something close to that. So nothing in that should be seen as a problem.
Judged on its own terms, the script's first 12 pages were fairly effective in that we got a sense of the time and place, the neighborhood, and the location and characters of the home invasion.
If the writer were looking for suggestions on how to possibly improve, here are some ideas. Through 12 pages, we don't quite have a strong sense of the protagonist, which I assume is John. We start to get a sense that this is a guy whose daily struggle to survive has starched him of much of his energy and vigor, and who will ultimately have to recapture it in order to save himself and his wife. My guess is that by the end of the story, he has become kind of a new man, or at least more like his old self, so in a sense this home invasion has been a boon to him.
The problem is that, through 12 pages at least, his character is neither interesting yet, nor relatable. And he should at least be one or the other in order to capture the audience.
The turning point of the opening sequence comes in page 6 when the gang invades the home. The story felt like it was just buying time for a couple of pages before that, almost like the writer was trying to avoid reaching that plot point too early. There's smoking weed, Xbox playing, more weed, urinating, then finally snuggling. A story should be more interesting than someone's routine before bed. But that means there is opportunity for the writer to do more with those pages. Perhaps add some conflict or color.
I'm not sure what's going on with the home invasion because I only had time for 12 pages. Almost has a Clockwork Orange feel, but I don't know if the aggressors will be main characters or not. It's reasonably effective at building tension and feels authentic enough, but would be much more enhanced if we cared more about John.
And I'll conclude by being repetitive with hopes of emphasis: John needs to be either relatable or interesting for us to care. He can be both, but he must be one. By interesting I mean a really memorable, distinctive character, a compelling and entertaining one. And since John falls far short of that, extra effort must be made to make him relatable. It's not enough to make him just a working stiff slob. Maybe he has a problem or a goal we relate to. Something strong enough to move us to a degree. When those bad guys come through the door, we have to really care what happens to John.
These are my insignificant opinions, Dustin. Do with them what you will, and good luck with the project. I hope in the future you will hold some gratitude to guys like Jeff and Simon who take a fine tool to your script. You don't have to agree with everything, but there will be plenty of useful nuggets in their reviews. Best of luck.
I don't usually do public reviews anymore, so I probably should not make an exception. What's more, the writer does not seem to want reviews, but simply to post his script. By the way, is there a way to do that here? Post it in a locked thread or something?
Anyway, I followed some of the argument, and discarding good sense, took a peak at the script. I've read the first 12 pages, but before I get to comments on that, I should be up front that Dustin has come off in the thread here as somewhat arrogant. All of us writers defend our work, and it takes a thick skin, and all of us have skin that could use some toughening. But I thought Dustin should have been a little more appreciative of the reviews, even if he disagreed with them. Common courtesy if nothing else.
That said, I have to say that in my opinion there is nothing at all wrong with the writing here. And I sense that some piling on might be in play based on prior discussions which took place in other threads. Judged against other amateur scripts, the writing is actually quite good.
Let's take a look at the slang. I don't know what a yob is, but I can figure it out immediately from the description of the scene and characters. So the word works fine and even good since we don't have to digest the usual words like 'thug'.
As far as the opening slug, again, I was not sure what to picture, but if this is written for a British market, so what. It's my problem. More importantly, in the subsequent description, I know that it's basically similar to a projects here, or public housing. Something close to that. So nothing in that should be seen as a problem.
Judged on its own terms, the script's first 12 pages were fairly effective in that we got a sense of the time and place, the neighborhood, and the location and characters of the home invasion.
If the writer were looking for suggestions on how to possibly improve, here are some ideas. Through 12 pages, we don't quite have a strong sense of the protagonist, which I assume is John. We start to get a sense that this is a guy whose daily struggle to survive has starched him of much of his energy and vigor, and who will ultimately have to recapture it in order to save himself and his wife. My guess is that by the end of the story, he has become kind of a new man, or at least more like his old self, so in a sense this home invasion has been a boon to him.
The problem is that, through 12 pages at least, his character is neither interesting yet, nor relatable. And he should at least be one or the other in order to capture the audience.
The turning point of the opening sequence comes in page 6 when the gang invades the home. The story felt like it was just buying time for a couple of pages before that, almost like the writer was trying to avoid reaching that plot point too early. There's smoking weed, Xbox playing, more weed, urinating, then finally snuggling. A story should be more interesting than someone's routine before bed. But that means there is opportunity for the writer to do more with those pages. Perhaps add some conflict or color.
I'm not sure what's going on with the home invasion because I only had time for 12 pages. Almost has a Clockwork Orange feel, but I don't know if the aggressors will be main characters or not. It's reasonably effective at building tension and feels authentic enough, but would be much more enhanced if we cared more about John.
And I'll conclude by being repetitive with hopes of emphasis: John needs to be either relatable or interesting for us to care. He can be both, but he must be one. By interesting I mean a really memorable, distinctive character, a compelling and entertaining one. And since John falls far short of that, extra effort must be made to make him relatable. It's not enough to make him just a working stiff slob. Maybe he has a problem or a goal we relate to. Something strong enough to move us to a degree. When those bad guys come through the door, we have to really care what happens to John.
These are my insignificant opinions, Dustin. Do with them what you will, and good luck with the project. I hope in the future you will hold some gratitude to guys like Jeff and Simon who take a fine tool to your script. You don't have to agree with everything, but there will be plenty of useful nuggets in their reviews. Best of luck.
An awful lot of good advice there. Sure, I haven't read the script, but it's sound advice for storytelling.
Especially this: "his character is neither interesting yet, nor relatable. And he should at least be one or the other in order to capture the audience." A good rule of thumb for any script.
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Repercussions (was Birth of a Psycho)
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