I don't usually do public reviews anymore, so I probably should not make an exception.  What's more, the writer does not seem to want reviews, but simply to post his script. By the way, is there a way to do that here? Post it in a locked thread or something?

Anyway, I followed some of the argument, and discarding good sense, took a peak at the script. I've read the first 12 pages, but before I get to comments on that, I should be up front that Dustin has come off in the thread here as somewhat arrogant. All of us writers defend our work, and it takes a thick skin, and all of us have skin that could use some toughening. But I thought Dustin should have been a little more appreciative of the reviews, even if he disagreed with them. Common courtesy if nothing else.

That said, I have to say that in my opinion there is nothing at all wrong with the writing here. And I sense that some piling on might be in play based on prior discussions which took place in other threads. Judged against other amateur scripts, the writing is actually quite good.

Let's take a look at the slang. I don't know what a yob is, but I can figure it out immediately from the description of the scene and characters. So the word works fine and even good since we don't have to digest the usual words like 'thug'.

As far as the opening slug, again, I was not sure what to picture, but if this is written for a British market, so what. It's my problem. More importantly, in the subsequent description, I know that it's basically similar to a projects here, or public housing. Something close to that. So nothing in that should be seen as a problem.

Judged on its own terms, the script's first 12 pages were fairly effective in that we got a sense of the time and place, the neighborhood, and the location and characters of the home invasion.

If the writer were looking for suggestions on how to possibly improve, here are some ideas. Through 12 pages, we don't quite have a strong sense of the protagonist, which I assume is John. We start to get a sense that this is a guy whose daily struggle to survive has starched him of much of his energy and vigor, and who will ultimately have to recapture it in order to save himself and his wife. My guess is that by the end of the story, he has become kind of a new man, or at least more like his old self, so in a sense this home invasion has been a boon to him.

The problem is that, through 12 pages at least, his character is neither interesting yet, nor relatable. And he should at least be one or the other in order to capture the audience.

The turning point of the opening sequence comes in page 6 when the gang invades the home. The story felt like it was just buying time for a couple of pages before that, almost like the writer was trying to avoid reaching that plot point too early. There's smoking weed, Xbox playing, more weed, urinating, then finally snuggling. A story should be more interesting than someone's routine before bed. But that means there is opportunity for the writer to do more with those pages. Perhaps add some conflict or color.

I'm not sure what's going on with the home invasion because I only had time for 12 pages. Almost has a Clockwork Orange feel, but I don't know if the aggressors will be main characters or not. It's reasonably effective at building tension and feels authentic enough, but would be much more enhanced if we cared more about John.

And I'll conclude by being repetitive with hopes of emphasis: John needs to be either relatable or interesting for us to care. He can be both, but he must be one. By interesting I mean a really memorable, distinctive character, a compelling and entertaining one. And since John falls far short of that, extra effort must be made to make him relatable. It's not enough to make him just a working stiff slob. Maybe he has a problem or a goal we relate to. Something strong enough to move us to a degree. When those bad guys come through the door, we have to really care what happens to John.

These are my insignificant opinions, Dustin. Do with them what you will, and good luck with the project. I hope in the future you will hold some gratitude to guys like Jeff and Simon who take a fine tool to your script. You don't have to agree with everything, but there will be plenty of useful nuggets in their reviews. Best of luck.

If the writer were looking for suggestions on how to possibly improve, here are some ideas. Through 12 pages, we don't quite have a strong sense of the protagonist, which I assume is John. We start to get a sense that this is a guy whose daily struggle to survive has starched him of much of his energy and vigor, and who will ultimately have to recapture it in order to save himself and his wife. My guess is that by the end of the story, he has become kind of a new man, or at least more like his old self, so in a sense this home invasion has been a boon to him.

The problem is that, through 12 pages at least, his character is neither interesting yet, nor relatable. And he should at least be one or the other in order to capture the audience.

The turning point of the opening sequence comes in page 6 when the gang invades the home. The story felt like it was just buying time for a couple of pages before that, almost like the writer was trying to avoid reaching that plot point too early. There's smoking weed, Xbox playing, more weed, urinating, then finally snuggling. A story should be more interesting than someone's routine before bed. But that means there is opportunity for the writer to do more with those pages. Perhaps add some conflict or color.

And I'll conclude by being repetitive with hopes of emphasis: John needs to be either relatable or interesting for us to care. He can be both, but he must be one. By interesting I mean a really memorable, distinctive character, a compelling and entertaining one. And since John falls far short of that, extra effort must be made to make him relatable. It's not enough to make him just a working stiff slob. Maybe he has a problem or a goal we relate to. Something strong enough to move us to a degree. When those bad guys come through the door, we have to really care what happens to John.

These are my insignificant opinions, Dustin. Do with them what you will, and good luck with the project. I hope in the future you will hold some gratitude to guys like Jeff and Simon who take a fine tool to your script. You don't have to agree with everything, but there will be plenty of useful nuggets in their reviews. Best of luck.

I only argued with one guy, not two... about using slang. It was a pointles nitpick.. as you pointed out, probably piled on from other threads.

Dustin, if that "one guy" you're referring to is me, I'll have to respond again.

Pointless nitpick?  Really?  I told you straight up that I didn't know what the Hell either of the 2 of your slangs were supposed to be or mean.  If I'm the only 1 who feels that way, then, you can and should disregard those notes.  There was definitely no piling on from me, if that's what you're trying to say.

If you feel everything else I said is worthless advice or nitpicky BS, that's up to you, the writer, to decide.  You seem to have a major problem admitting anything isn't perfect in this script of yours, which is obviously ludicrous.

You couldn't even provide a proper "FADE IN", for God's sake.

You intro'd a character that wasn't even O.S., yet you can't seem to find the humility to admit to there being any issues at all.

KevinL gave you pretty much glowing praise, yet you chose to mock the 1 area where he tried to provide some help.

You're a real piece of work, bro.  A real tool, to put it bluntly.  Unreal...but, I guess after thinking back to how you chose to intro yourself, we all should have seen this coming.

What do you want?

I don't suspect your issue is lack of intelligence, Dustin. But your overly emotional reaction to criticism seems to separate you from the reasoning function of your mind.

Are you actually familiar with Save the Cat? Snyder, if I remember correctly, suggests we make a character "likable". I did not. I said that a character either be relatable(not a real word, I guess, but should be), or it should be interesting. It can be both, but it must be one or the other.

So your misinterpreting of my suggestion displays a real lack of understanding. More revealing, your first reaction was to attack me despite the fact that I had mostly positive things to say about your work and despite the fact that I took the time to read some and give you well considered remarks. Perhaps when you finally read your Snyder you can take your time with the topic of character flaw. Yours seems to be on open display. If you were a character, some writer would have done a fine job.

On the topic of relatable characters, you are suggesting that we can just pluck any guy off a bus and make bad stuff happen to him, and that's enough for the character to be relatable. Well, of course. You can write a script about some guy having knee surgery and we'll relate to it to a degree. But is that the kind of writing you aspire to?

I want you to stop being such a cock.  I think that's what everyone wants.

Is that asking too much?  Or, are you unable to not be such a cock?

Do you ever watch a program similar to Crimewatch? Where you get to see re-enactments of serious crimes. Do you feel for the people that get home invaded? The horror on their faces? the genuine fear those poor bastards are going through... have you ever experienced anything even remotely similar yourself? That is what i want to bring to the screen. That power, real emotion, real fear. Show what it is really like.