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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Offline Moderators: bert
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Guest
Posted: July 23rd, 2013, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, guys, lets help rolo out.

This truly was a good one -- very entertaining.  I highly recommend it!  

And you, rolo:  get out there read the work of others.

That will help as well.

Best of luck!

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the goose
Posted: July 23rd, 2013, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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I've already commented but I'll say again very driven plot with just enough characters to carry it through.

Would work well on a microbudget with plenty of chances to build suspense.


"We don't make movies for critics, since they don't pay to see them anyhow."

-- Charles Bronson.
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rolo
Posted: July 23rd, 2013, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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@ reaper550 - Thanks for highly recommending Offline for a second time! Truly appreciate it! I'm admittedly not as active as some - But I try to read and comment whenever I can. Will certainly try to do more though!

@ the goose - Thanks for vouching for Offline for a second time! Much appreciated!
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Guest
Posted: July 23rd, 2013, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Cool.  Well, for starters, some scripts I recommend for you to check out:

The Farm by Bert, is pretty chilling.

Morphine by spesk2k.  Great script by a great writer.

What Doesn't Kill You by Ledbetter is very unique and different.

Fade to White by Dreamscale, just so you know how not to write a shitty script

The Sound of the Life of the Mind of Summer by Butt3rs

If you read them already, well, go and find more scripts to read!  And comment on all of them!

It'll help you in getting more feedback!  
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rolo
Posted: July 24th, 2013, 3:35am Report to Moderator
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@ reaper550 - Thanks for the heads up on these! Haven't read any of them, but will certainly check them out! To be honest, most of the scripts I've read and commented on have been 'Script of the Day' - And seeing how they're literally only up for a day it probably looks like I never read/comment! Lol.

Looking forward to giving the scripts you mentioned a read! Cheers, buddy.
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 24th, 2013, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rolo
@ reaper550 - Thanks for the heads up on these! Haven't read any of them, but will certainly check them out! To be honest, most of the scripts I've read and commented on have been 'Script of the Day' - And seeing how they're literally only up for a day it probably looks like I never read/comment!


"Scripts of the Day" are not only up for 1 day.  That day just so happens to be that script's "day".  They have their own thread just like every other script posted on SS.

Rolo, I actually looked at your posts, and it seems the vast majority are on Babz Buzz or your own work.  That's an issue and most likely why you're getting so few reads.  The reality is that you should read numerous scripts from numerous writers.  That way, those numerous writers will return the favor when they see you have a new script posted.

Just a word of caution - when you read a script that's been posted for a long time, detailed feedback is most often not required or even appreciated.  But, that doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't read older scripts and post your thoughts.

It's also often a good idea to contact the writer first and ask if there's a new version available.  In regards to Fade to White, there is, and if you're interested, I can E-mail it to you.
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rolo
Posted: July 24th, 2013, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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@ Dreamscale - Have definitely posted lots about Babz Buzz! I love her and her podcast! Didn't realize I'd posted that much about my own work (not saying I haven't, just didn't realize I had) other than to thank people for their comments etc.

I'll be the first to admit that up to now, I haven't read as much as others, and of the scripts I have read and commented on, they have mostly been 'Script of the Day'.

Thanks for the advice about contacting the writer first to ask if there's a new version available (makes sense) and about treading carefully when reading older scripts, in case, detailed feedback might not be required/appreciated.

I plan to get much more involved with this site and would love to read Fade to White, so please E-mail it to me.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: July 24th, 2013, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hope the feedback I emailed ya helped some Gary.
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rolo
Posted: July 24th, 2013, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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@ pale yellow - The feedback was great and much appreciated! And that poster you did, WOW!! Thanks Dena!
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Leegion
Posted: July 24th, 2013, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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I have been meaning to read this for a while.  Got a few scripts to read at the moment, and one to write, but it shouldn't take me long to get to this as the logline is definitely something I'd consider WATCHING in the cinema.

I like ghostly stories.
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rolo
Posted: July 25th, 2013, 8:53am Report to Moderator
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@ Leegion - Cool!
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Leegion
Posted: July 27th, 2013, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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Gary, just finished your script.

I have some notes mentioned below along with a review.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Page 1 - For a moment there, I was expecting this to be like Roadkill/Joy Ride (Paul Walker, Steve Zahn)...

Page 3 - Why does Dave have a box of women’s shoes in his bedroom?

Page 3 - No need for Home sweet home...

Page 8 - Linda is a real bitch, lol.

Page 12 - Aaaah... now we’re getting somewhere with “Lunar Loony”.

Page 13 - He grimaces at a photo of a ecstatic, change the “a” to “an”, an ecstatic Debbie.

Page 13 - Dave’s reaction is funny to me, OH MY GOD.  Between each word OH *long pause* MY *eyes widen* GOD!  In other words, the reaction may be taken differently, I find it comic, some may find it serious.

Page 13 - He trembles uncotrollably, should be, He trembles uncontrollably.  You missed the “N”.

Page 17 - Linda returns brush in hand, should be, Linda returns, brush in hand.  Add a comma to break the action up.  (I do this myself a lot, then I read it and *facepalm* lol).

Page 20 - Mei dialogue “I know case well” could be due to her Chinese accent, but from an English standpoint, the above should read, “I know the case well”.

However, as she is Chinese, some of the Chinese people I know do miss the occasional word.  So, if that’s what you’re going for with her, there’s nothing wrong with the miss.

Page 31 - Starting to think there’s more to Dave than meets the eye after that conversation with Mei.  And why would Linda visit a medium?  Questions, questions... I’ll take that as a plot point, could be wrong, but I have an inkling.

Page 31 - Debbie dialogue “Why’d you hate your mom?”  should be, “Why d’you hate your mom?”, as Why’d usually refers to “Why did” whereas you mean “Why do”.

Page 35 - Definitely starting to sense something.  Whenever Dave and Linda speak it’s as if she’s speaking to the wall, and he’s just replying to her with sarcastic responses and angered tones, which she has yet to react to.

Page 36 - Yeah, definitely something going on with Dave and Linda.  No mother is that cruel.

Page 45 - Not sure what she mean’s by that, is not needed, but it doesn’t matter to me, some might not like unfilmables, it doesn’t bother me none.

Page 46 - Box of Jimmy Choo’s... OH... MY... GOD!  No freaking way!

Page 55 - There is a twist in the story.  You had me believing for a while that *spoiler* was the killer, nice twist there.

Page 57 - Vengeful Spirit... I like this, however, a part of me believes, Dave would require something of the girl’s in order for her to appear in his presence.  Still, I like the ghost thing.

Page 65 - Holy ****, what?  Never saw that coming.

Page 67 - Mei dialogue “Cops say Trexler already on route” should be, “Cops say Trexler already en route”.

Page 67 - Dave cast an anxious gaze, should be, Dave casts an anxious gaze.  

Page 74 - WOW!  A part of me knew something like that was gonna happen, didn’t think it would, but now it has I am very pleased with the outcome.  Not pleased as in happy, just pleased as the story just took a dramatic twist of fate that boosts this greatly.

Page 75 - This furthers my account on page 35.  When I said whenever Dave and Linda spoke it felt as though they weren’t even connecting properly.  As if she was talking to the wall, etc.

Page 80 - Only know does he realize... should be, Only now does he realize.

And done...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Gary, this is fantastic.  I read it in one-sitting start-to-finish without a break.

The relationship between Debbie and Dave was fantastic.  I felt something towards them, really well developed characters with outstanding chemistry and a common past shrouded in secrecy until the penny drops.

The Killer was your A-typical psychopathic nutcase, nothing wrong with that at all.  Also, fantastic twist with *spoiler* becoming *spoiler*.

Dave and Linda’s relationship always seemed rocky from the get-go, and though I had an inkling that Dave was in fact *spoiler* it never really spoilt the read at all.  

As a fan of the supernatural/ghost stories, I always know when (thanks quite a bit to the Sixth Sense) a character is not what they seem.

As I said though, knowing early (or having an inkling) did not by any means spoil the story.

As for the story, I loved it.  Start to finish.

The mystery behind what Dave was running from at the start of the story, to the revelation of who Dave was running from at the end of the story, was well worth spending time reading.

Grade: A

You have something great here.  Something I, one day, would hope to see made into a feature length movie.

A few typos here and there, but nothing severely crippling to the writing, which is great.  Some unfilmables too, I often get into my stories a lot so I add things you can’t see, it might bother some folk but it bothers me none.

It was a pleasure reading this.  I really enjoyed it and I am going to link this script in my signature, as I feel it deserves more reads.

Also, guess Linda put the box of Jimmy Choo's in Dave's bedroom?

EDIT:  Forgot to mention, great use of only 3 locations.  I was never bored in Dave's bedroom as there was always something going on.

Lee
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Leegion
Posted: July 27th, 2013, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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@courhaw - Did we read the same script...?
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rolo
Posted: July 27th, 2013, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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@ Leegion - Wow! Truly blown away by your fantastic notes!! I can't believe the number of typos you spotted! Damn spell check I use is rubbish. Lol.

At the risk of repeating myself, I'm truly thrilled that you enjoyed Offline as much as you did! Makes me proud and more than a little humble. Linking the script to your signature is fantastic. Thanks, man. Much appreciated!!

Gary (rolo)
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rolo
Posted: July 27th, 2013, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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@ Courhaw - Thanks for the good wishes!
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