Hey Michael -

"Checked this one out based on a recommendation. I liked it. It took a little bit for me to get into this, but as the twists started unfolding, it became a real page turner."

That's cool! Thanks!

"the pacing was a bit off for me... the first half of the script felt rushed. Everything moved at such a break-neck speed."

Yeah. See what you're saying. The new draft slows things down a touch.

"I'd suggest being more specific with the SLUGS in terms of different areas of the room."

Nice idea! Will definitely incorporates this suggestion in the new draft.

"there was about a half-page description dedicated to DAVE'S BEDROOM."

Pretty much everything used in the description: Shoes, mirror, DVD's, Poster, pills, mirror etc. Was either a plant or featured later on in the script in some way. None of it was used merely as dressing or to boost the page count - they each had a purpose.

"What I liked most about this were the twists"

Yeah. Once you read the script in its entirety. I think the twists pay off nicely. However, I will almost certainly lose the biggest one - The Sixth Sense twist (main character dead the whole time). Which is pretty scary for me! Lol. But hopefully the story will still work?!

"The tone threw me off a bit. Very offbeat, borderline silly, over the top at times..."

The tone was actually a deliberate choice on my part (at least for the first act!) Disturbia has a similar playful tone for most of the first act. The protagonist, Kyle, builds a Twinkie mountain, almost gets caught spying on his hot neighbor, puts out a fire on his porch that turns out to be a pile of burning dog poop etc. It's only really the second act and onwards where things get progressively darker.

Even the great Rear Window has a similar playful first act - Lots of witty one liners etc.

That said, the new draft aims to be darker, though will still have a few comedic touches sprinkled here and there.

"And I thought Trexler's death was a bit silly, her falling out of the window."

One or two folks have said the same. I've changed it! Hopefully it works and has more impact?!

"Anyway man, this was a solid read. You can definitely add a few pages here, though."

Thanks for the "solid read" compliment! The new draft should address the relatively short page count and looks to be coming in around the 95 page mark!

Thanks Michael for your thoughts on Offline. Much appreciated! Take care, man.

Rolo (Gary)

Quoted from Guest The draft I have of Place Beyond the Pines goes 116 pages but the film I saw was 140 minutes. Sometimes it varies.

And that was the heavily edited version... I watched an interview with Derek Cianfrance (the writer/ director of Place) and he said that his first edit of the film was over four hours long, and that getting it to below the 2 and 1/2 hour mark which the studio required was a real ball-ache.

Sorry to derail the topic of discussion.

And I've been meaning to read this for a little while, Rolo, but I just haven't found the time. I've got a friend's script which I promised I would read, but as soon as I have read this, this is next on my 'to-read' list

@ Toby_E

I loved the first half of The Place Beyond The Pines. The second half, what I watched of it, (I never made it to the end) felt like an entirely different movie?!

Would really welcome your thoughts on Offline when you get chance to read it.

Place Beyond the Pines was great.

Ray Liotta is money -- even if he was only in it for five minutes

Might have to give The Place Beyond the Pines a second viewing and watch it right through to the end this time! Lol.

You're right, Ray Liotta's awesome! No arguments from me on that score!

AHOY! SPOILERS AHEAD!

Gary,

I was nowhere near as exhausted after watching the match as I thought I would be, so I managed to read through the rest of the script tonight after all.

So, what did I think of it?

Despite some flaws (which we'll come to), I liked it. I liked it a lot, in fact. I normally dislike contained thrillers, as I view locations/ setting to be an integral part for both the unfolding story and setting suspense. However, I'm a sucker for a good mystery (I'm addicted to Scandinavian crime fiction at the minute), and the mystery was stacked high in this one.

This was one of the easiest, breeziest (hey, that rhymed!) scripts I have read in a long time. And whilst the page count does have something to do with that, the mystery aspect made me want to blitz through this to see if my predictions were correct, which combined with your writing style, to make this a quick, enjoyable read.

I absolutely loved the opening scene as well. You opened the script off with a bang, which really made me sit up and take note.

I also loved the midpoint shift, with Dave becoming the suspect. However, I felt that he was let off the hook far too easily here. I thought that this could have made for some really great tension and could have also upped the stakes; he needs to find out who the killer is, so that he can let himself off the hook.

Now, whilst I said I love a good mystery, I did have a few issues with the conclusion of your mystery here, something which I feel is related to the light page count of this. The best twist endings to mysteries - either books, films or TV shows - are ones which are surprising, but make the most sense to the audience, so that when they are revealed, there is a real 'uh-huh!' moment.

Unfortunately, I didn't have that here.

My main issue with Trexler being the killer, was that it wasn't set up enough. We see her for one scene and then suddenly, BAM! It's revealed in a flashback that she's the killer. Dave doesn't work it out himself... he just gets his memory back and remembers that she's the killer. That's another issue I had with it; I feel that it would be a whole lot more satisfying if Dave works out that she's the killer, versus having his memory gift wrap the reveal for him. Because, at the minute, it just felt a little cheap.

Give us a few more suspects, a few more red herrings. Make us guess more. Weave a web of deceit so that we're certain that we know who the killer is, then pull the rug out from under us and reveal that it is Trexler.

I also had an issue with Linda. She's represented throughout as being a bitch and then suddenly Dave realises she loves him... that didn't work for me. That relationship needed more fleshing out.

I feel that if you use an extra 10-15 pages to cast a bigger web of deceit and develop Dave's relationship with Linda more, this will be a wholly more satisfying piece.

Now, onto the other twist

Unfortunately, I saw it coming. I was questioning how Dave was able to communicate with Debbie from beyond the grave and then the thought of "maybe he's a ghost as well?" popped into my head. So I started looking for things to confirm my belief... which his communication, or lack of, with Linda did. Their convos were always one sided, so I knew that something was up there.

Plus, that twist has been done before numerous times, so it's not as shocking/ surprising as it would have been, had I read this script fifteen years ago (or before the release of The Sixth Sense).

So, what would I do in regards to this twist?

I would personally recommend scrapping it. Whilst I loved them both walking off into the light (no reason you can't still have this; it's possible that Dave could die trying to save his Mum from Trexler, or something), because I saw the twist coming for a good sixty pages, the actual reveal that Dave was dead disappointed me a little, because I wanted to be surprised!

I think it would be cool if you string us along, so that we think he is dead, but then flip the reveal on its head, by revealing that he's alive.

Now, that would have shocked/ surprised me!

But, if you decide to keep it, I would try to throw us off the scent more. Maybe have Mei propose a reason that Debbie is contacting Dave, because this is what started me on my own investigation...


Below are a few page specific comments I made whilst reading:

Page 1- Great opening.

Page 12- Dave: “No. Can’t be. It’s impossible!” Wasn’t a fan of that line, man.

Page 13- Same with this one: “OH... MY... GOD!!” Read more like from a comedy, in my opinion.

Page 15- “A solitary tear trickles down his cheek as he struggles to come to terms with her death.” A solitary tear is a little clichéd, man.

Page 18- Linda: “Take him some of these. Roses were his favorite. Fragrance helped him sleep.” Is this missing a “the” before “fragrance”?

Page 24- Debbie: “Walking in on my big sister 'doing  it' with her boyfriend. Ewwwww!” Something about this sounds a little bit immature... like, I’m not sure it’s something an 18 year old prom queen would say?

Page 36- Dave is this computer hacker all of a sudden?

Page 37- Dave: “Fine. Tell her to find the killer!” How did he know Detective Trexler’s gender?

Page 42- “For the first time in a long time, Dave feels good about
himself - even a little proud!” Can this be shown visually?

Page 43- I’ve never been a fan of dual dialogue... I always thought that it looks really awkward on the page. Know that quite a few other readers dislike it as well...

Page 65- I was really confused with POV through his cellphone part?

Page 80- Wasn’t a fan of Dave’s dialogue which starts: “All this time... I thought she hated me!”


But yeah, I hope this review doesn't come across as negative, because despite the flaws, this script was a very decent read nonetheless.

The concept is both original and brilliant. Plus it would be easy to shoot on a limited budget. What more could a producer want?!

I'm excited to see what route you go down with the rewrite!

Feel free to send the next draft over as well, as I'd love to read that.

Best of luck with this

Quoted from rolo Might have to give The Place Beyond the Pines a second viewing and watch it right through to the end this time! Lol.

Yeah, you definitely need to re-watch it all the way through! It's easily my favourite film of the year so far. I enjoyed it so much that I went back alone and re-watched it two days after initially seeing it. Can't remember the last time I did that!

Hey Toby_E -

Some really good feedback here! Much appreciated!

"I absolutely loved the opening scene as well. You opened the script off with a bang, which really made me sit up and take note."

That's great to hear!

"I also loved the midpoint shift, with Dave becoming the suspect. However, I felt that he was let off the hook far too easily here. I thought that this could have made for some really great tension and could have also upped the stakes; he needs to find out who the killer is, so that he can let himself off the hook."

Yeah - I can see what you're saying. And I have thought of doing this. But I'm not sure if Dave being attacked by Evelyn's ghost would still make sense - If he still believed himself to be the killer. (and I really want to keep the Evelyn scene.)

"I also had an issue with Linda. She's represented throughout as being a b**** and then suddenly Dave realizes she loves him... that didn't work for me. That relationship needed more fleshing out."

Agreed! In the new draft Linda is seriously mentally disturbed and Dave finds himself in great danger. Also, there is no 'kiss and make up' scene between them at the end.

"I think it would be cool if you string us along, so that we think he is dead, but then flip the reveal on its head, by revealing that he's alive."

Dave is definitely not dead in the newest draft!

Overall, some really positive feedback and some good points made!

Thanks, again!

Take care

Gary (rolo)

Quoted from rolo Dave is definitely not dead in the newest draft!

I think that's for the best, man!

As I said in my review, I really liked this. Send over/ PM me once the latest draft is up, as I'd love to give that a read as well

Hey Toby_E

" Send over/ PM me once the latest draft is up, as I'd love to give that a read as well"

Will do. And thanks! Much appreciated!

Take care

rolo

Hey man,

Just emailed over my comments over.

Overall, solid stuff

Hey Toby -

Thanks for the great notes, dude! Much appreciated!

Hopefully, I'll have the latest draft up in the next week or so.

Thanks Don for posting this latest draft so quick!

Following the rewrite, Offline has a strong horror element to it and can probably best be described as a Contained Murder Mystery/Supernatural Horror rather than a straight up thriller.

I got some great feedback on the previous draft and tried to incorporate as much as I could in the latest draft. (only the comments/suggestions I agreed with though! ). To that end, I want to thank: Leegion, reaper, the goose, pale yellow and StevenClark for their kind words of encouragement!

Also, Jeff (Dreamscale) for his thoughts on the script's formatting and sparse page count (84 pages). Pleased to report that the latest draft has a much healthier page count of 97 pages! I also changed some of the slugs and tried to make my writing more descriptive as a direct result of Jeff's input! Though I'm sure he'll still hate my staccato style! Lol.

Thanks also to spesh2k, the script has a much darker tone as a result of your excellent feedback!

Last but by no means least, Toby _E for reading both drafts and giving me some excellent notes and feedback!

You guys ROCK!!!!

Gary (Rolo)

Dude.  Awesome.  Can't wait to read.  

Thanks, reap! Hope you enjoy this latest draft more than the previous one?!