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Toby_E
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 5:42am Report to Moderator
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Glad to see the new draft is up, my man. Happy to have helped


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rolo
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey Toby -

Thanks for your input! Much appreciated! I've made one or two minor changes as a result. Feel free to post your excellent notes. I'm particularly interested to see if folks agree with you on the ending?

Take care, buddy

Gary (Rolo)
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wonkavite
Posted: November 3rd, 2013, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary –

Finished the read on Offline (which, BTW, was a breeze.)  Some scripts can be tough to get through.  Dozing off, mind wandering, etc.  None of that here.

So  - here are my thoughts, with all of the good stuff upfront (and there is a lot of it, I promise you.)  

*Spoilers*

Overview: I think you have a lot of good stuff here, with lots of potential.  Talk about a majorly contained script.  It’s almost 100% in Dave’s bedroom.  Though the truck could take a little $$ to do.  Like I mentioned in our emails earlier, if someone does pick this up, be EXTRA careful to make sure they can actually pull this off.  Another thing? This is so, so Dave centric, that you’d have to be SURE to get an awesome actor for your protag.  If he sucks even slightly, the whole film would quickly go to hell.

The great thing about this script is that not only is it a breeze to read, I was NEVER bored.  Things kept happening, which is terrific.  Got plenty of suspenseful, spooky moments in here, despite the limited location.  Stylistically, it was a very clean read.  I do think that the descriptions could be pared down even a *tiny* bit more.  And I personally do feel that you overdid the staccato sentences. I do that, too a lot.  But string more of ‘em together with commas and “ands”.  It’ll improve the flow, IMHO. Also – I could be wrong on this, but you often capitalize the first letter after a dash within the same sentence.  I think that’s a no-no.  I always keep it lowercase. Oh – and there are a few teeny tiny orphans – though not so many as to be distracting.  But always best to kill ‘em all.  Readers often nitpick.

The bad part: You had me gripped through the whole damn thing… until the reveal.  I think it could still work to have Trexler as the killer…  But you have to set it up with more clues (and more supernatural hints about both her and Dark Eyes) throughout the script.  Offhand, I’m not certain exactly how.  But my gut tells me that it can be done…and relatively simply at that.  Fix that – and you’ve got a very easy script sale on your hands. Just…as it is now...her craziness (and dabbling in Satanism background) comes off as goofy and out of nowhere.  If you can establish it more – earlier –and/or  make her a demon herself perhaps, that might work…something to ground it in more “reality” (though still supernatural) that won’t strike readers as “too much.”

All that said, here are a few minor line items that I felt needed tweaking or thought were particularly good:

p. 2 CAP shadowy figure

p. 4 – enough Star Wars figures to start a rebellion.  Nice!

p. 5 – Find someway to identify Linda as Dave’s stepmom early, via dialog.  You do so via description, but that doesn’t help the film audience.  Also, I’d suggest throwing in some sort of hint that Linda blames Dave for the death of his Dad…even if you don’t go into detail about it.

p. 8 TurnS his head

p. 33 – Now we can both be in pain.  Nice!

p. 36 – Introduce Trexler as female off the bat.  It got me kind of confused there, for a few seconds.

p. 37 – Trexler almost cries when mentioning her mother?  She’s a cop (or at least pretending to be).  That strikes me as unrealistic. And does the sexiness with the Jack Sparrow poster.  Although that one, I can forgive if played right.  I also feel that Trexler  and Dave need more “official banter” (cop style) back and forth before they get down to the real discussion.  They jump into the meat of it way too quick.

p. 42 Dave’S spine

p 45 Every girl loves shoes? BLEH!!!  (Says this girl.)  The line’s fine, though.  I just reacted to it.  

p. 48 – Thought maybe you could text me, seeing how we can’t talk to each other.  NICE!

p. 52 – Fondlejoy.  Cool…  

p. 67 – You look like you’ve seen a Gho – Nice.

p. 67 – Believing in me.  (Also nice)

p. 69 – Why does Dave suddenly think that everything’s all over and okay?  Just because he blew off Debbie the night before?  There’s still the problem of the killer, etc…!  Also – I kind of think that it would be even more effective if Dave purposely instigates a fight with Debbie to scare her away.  A little cliché, but more dramatic.  Just saying “I can’t do this anymore” isn’t as striking.

p. 70 – When he finds the maggots, wouldn’t THAT be the point that Dave says screw it, I’m calling the cops on Linda?  That could work really well, IMHO…ie: he’s about to call…and THEN spots the van.

p. 75  - Too many “winces” on this page

p. 77 – Would Dave SERIOUSLY attempt to amputate the leg, knowing he’ll bleed to death…versus continue to simply find a way out of the house?

p. 94 – the Tournequet works loose

p. 84 They said you were smart.  I like the repeating theme, but at this point I feel it got used one too many times…!  

p. 86 – I find myself unclear on this point.  Is Trexler an actual crazy cop?  Or just a crazy cop imposter…. ‘cause a real cop this nuts would’ve been screened out by now (as she does mention re: the psyche test.)

p. 78 – The polygraph line.  Really nice.

And…that’s about it.  My only major sticking point is the Trexler reveal and backstory coming out of nowhere.  I think you need to find something more subtle, or integrate it more thoroughly earlier on.  I like who Dark Eyes is, etc.  It’s just that one bit.  And – as I mentioned earlier, I was LOVING this 95% of the way through.  So kudos on that.

Hope this helps?  Let me know if you have any questions, too…I’m happy to elaborate.

Cheers and best,

--Janet
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rolo
Posted: November 5th, 2013, 5:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Janet -

Firstly, great to hear Phil is getting back to his old self!

Lots and lots of positives to take from your review:

"The great thing about this script is that not only is it a breeze to read, I was NEVER bored.  Things kept happening, which is terrific."

Given that this is a contained script with only a handful of characters - That's great to hear!

"Got plenty of suspenseful, spooky moments in here, despite the limited location.

This latest draft added a strong horror element - Delighted it seems to have paid off!

"You had me gripped through the whole damn thing… until the reveal.  I think it could still work to have Trexler as the killer…  But you have to set it up with more clues (and more supernatural hints about both her and Dark Eyes) throughout the script."

Hmm... I'll have to give this some more thought. I kinda thought that Mei being able to speak to the dead, along with all the creepy, weird, supernatural stuff happening in Dave's room more than hinted/set it up - Particularly once we discover that Mei and Trexler are one and the same?!

Certainly worth considering. Would be interesting to see other folks take on it?

Overall, I'm delighted with your notes! Definitely makes me believe Offline has something to offer and the script is heading in the right direction.

Take care

Gary (Rolo)

P.S. I really need to learn how to use the quote button!



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Toby_E
Posted: November 8th, 2013, 5:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rolo
Hey Toby -

Feel free to post your excellent notes. I'm particularly interested to see if folks agree with you on the ending?


Hey man,

Managed to find the notes I emailed you over, so here they are


NOTE: As I have already read the previous version of this, I won’t bother repeating myself saying what I liked from the stuff which is the same in this draft, so I’m just going to focus on the new things that I liked and didn’t like. But just because I didn’t say I enjoyed certain aspects this time around doesn’t mean that I didn’t... quite the contrary, as I really enjoyed re-reading this script!

Firstly, congratulations on getting a rewrite finished. I’ve still got one of my features sitting on my desktop, next to the document containing the suggestions needed for the rewrite, but I just can’t bring myself to dedicate the hours to rewriting it for the fourth time, thus removing all the stuff that I spent hours during the previous rewrites adding! But you have managed to rewrite this considerably, whilst maintaining what it is which initially drew me to the tale.

Now, despite horror not being my favourite genre – I have nothing against horror films, in fact, there are a few that I love, it’s just that it seems to be the genre which lends itself most to cookie-cut formulas and uninspired films – I was really digging the route you took with this (the only part I didn’t like was the final showdown, as I felt that it drifted too much towards the supernatural element, but that’s just me... others may like that). There was some genuinely creepy, horrifying moments (the rat gnawing at the leg... WTF?!), which would look brilliant on screen. You created the atmosphere perfectly, and most importantly, the atmosphere which you created enhanced the story that you were telling. I also felt that the dynamic between Linda
and Dave worked a lot better this time around... because they actually interacted more! It wasn’t simply Linda talking to a non-responsive, dead Dave.

Now, my main issue that I had with the script was with Trexler as a character. Now whilst I didn’t feel that her involvement in the killings came from leftfield as much as in the previous version of the script (but then again, this much just have been because I was still expecting her to be the killer...?), I would still recommend telegraphing this slightly more. I have an idea how you could do this, which I’ll get onto in a second. But the main issue I had with Trexler’s character was her motivations. Ok, as Trexler, her motivations are clear, to a certain degree... I mean, she is after Dave’s phone to get the video he recorded of her murdering Debbie to remove all the evidence against her... but this is on the second visit. What is her purpose for visiting Dave the first time? She doesn’t seem to be too interested with his phone or what he remembers about the night he nearly died during this visit. So maybe during this visit, Trexler can ask Dave about the night he nearly died, about what he remembers, etc. To which he can be curious as to why she is asking all of this information, because she isn’t the detective who interviewed him initially, etc. I just feel that this could then set up the final reveal slightly better, because before it is revealed, there isn’t too much reason for us to suspect Trexler as the killer. But if you show us something is a little bit off with her, but then cover this with something else which suggests that she is a good, detected detective and then suggest that someone else may be the killer (maybe throw in one or two red herrings which suggest that Linda did the killing? Maybe she has a few left feet of certain shoes, etc.), despite the audience not suspecting that it is Trexler who is the killer, it won’t come as such a shock when it is revealed, but this scenario was set up.

So whilst I did have a few issues with Trexler’s motivations when she was herself, my biggest issues were with Mei, as I couldn’t work out for the life of me what she was trying to achieve by making Dave talk to Debbie? In the original version, I remember Trexler saying that she wanted to find out if Debbie knew who her killer was, but this motivation was removed this time around. But regardless, even if this is the reason that she continues to make Dave talk to Debbie, I can’t really see what she is trying to gain? I mean, Debbie is dead, after all. But because she doesn’t realise that she is dead, I’m guessing that she must have no idea who killed her. And even if she did, the only person she would be able to tell about who killed her would be Dave, who it is likely will someday remember what he was doing before he nearly died and, therefore, will someday be able to identify the killer regardless. So Trexler would be able to remove both her problems by just taking Dave out? I feel that it would have worked better if Mei is helping Dave deliver Debbie to the otherside, so that Debbie won’t then be able to communicate with anyone anymore, thus removing the threat of her revealing who killed her.

But regardless, I felt that Mei definitely needed a stronger motivation for whatever it is she is trying to achieve here.


Below are some page-by-page notes I made whilst reading:

Great opening. Really unsettling and freaky, with a load of ‘what-the-hell’ kind of mystery thrown in as well. Great work. My guess is that Debbie going to be either the girl in the tunnel or the van?

Page 6- Linda: “Nothing but old pictures and bad memories. You need to move on. Quit living in the past.” Is there any way that you could make this line a little less on-the-nose? Because at the moment, it comes across too unsubtle, almost like you’re bashing us over the head with the theme.

Page 13- If Dave has amnesia, how can he remember the stuff from his near death experience/ time in limbo?

Page 14- Great scene with Linda in his bedroom.

Page 18- Dave: “When my Dad passed. She lost it big time. Ended up in the loony bin.” I’d maybe have Debbie have to extract this info from him a bit harder, because it read a bit too false, given the exposition overload, at the minute. Maybe after Debbie says “huh?” Dave can stall, try to not give an answer, but she finally manages to get it out of him?

Page 22- I don’t think the flashback is necessary again here, because you’ve already had it a few pages back, when Dave was looking at the tattoos online, so the audience ought to remember that the girl in the tunnel had this. I would personally have the flashback on either or page, as both felt a little overkill.

Page 24- “Dave grimaces. Knows it’s his fault Debbie’s not at peace.” I’d maybe have him tell Mei something along those lines, because I don’t know how explicit this will come across on-screen, without this description?

Page 29- Yes @ the Sixth Sense part! Great red herring, my man!

Page 34- Mystic Mary’s dialogue needs to be a V.O. Or actually, this scene looks like an intercut? Either way, you need to let us know that Mary’s dialogue is over the phone, or the two scenes are playing as an intercut, because at the minute, her dialogue is being delivered by someone in the same room as Dave.

But Jesus, that was an intense scene, regardless.

Page 41- Linda: “Killing your Father wasn't enough.” ‘Father’ doesn’t need to be capitalised here, as it can’t be replaced with a name, ie, you wouldn’t say “killing your James” (it would only need to be capitalised in cases like ‘hi, Father’, as here, father could be replaced with a name).

Page 42- “The puss stops. Turns its head - Sees Dave for the first time” Needs a full stop.

Pager 43- Does Dave slam the laptop shut because he remembers the Mystery Man? (If so, what about his amnesia?) Or does he slam it shut because the guy is creepy? Regardless, I’d like a little bit of clarification.

Also, the scene with him adding friends on facebook seemed a little bit jarring, as I don’t see how this is related to the whole business with Debbie? This seemed more like the pre-Debbie Dave, something he would do before he found her and was trying to help Mei. I mean, sure, she’s a ghost and all, but I don’t see why he’s suddenly wanting to find facebook ‘friends’ after the appearance of the Mystery Man?

Page 53- Should the voices be VO?

Page 70- I think the scene with the guy peering up from the pavement would be a lot more creepy if it was at night?

Page 76- Dave doesn’t seem to react too much to Linda coming alive again?

Page 77- Jesus @ the amputating limb scene. That shit is intense. Only thing I would say is that it is a little reminiscent of Saw.

Page 79- Mei: “Dave, listen to me. You mustn’t panic... Back-up on way” Full stop is needed, man.

Page 83- I’d consider cutting this, as it read a little theatrical: “Draws the knife across her throat in a threatening manner.” Just have her turn and scowl at Dave, then him run for his life.

Page 84- Is Trexler actually a detective? Because I’m pretty certain that they don’t let people with mental health problems into the police force to do active duty (one of my
friends was rejected during the vetting phase for that very reason), and I’d think that police forces where their officers are armed would be especially reluctant to hire anyone with a history of what appears to be schizophrenia, given the irrational, violent tendencies often related with the disorder. And you could argue that she no longer suffers from the disorder, but from the CBT modules I took as part of the counselling sub-part of my degree, schizophrenia is the hardest mental disorder to treat, with very high rates of remission, and patients rarely being completely cured of the disorder (instead learning to live and function with the disorder). But then again, she might have fabricated the whole thing about being a policewoman.

Page 85- At first, I thought it was going to be Linda who hurt Trexler with the high heels... which could have actually been an interesting angle.

Page 88- “Dave glares - Looks like he want to rip her heart out.” ‘Want’ should be ‘wantS’.


Conclusion
Overall, I really enjoyed this script. I liked it the first time around, but I felt that the horror aspect that you put in during this rewrite worked so well, that it enhanced every aspect of the story. Only thing I would maybe consider would be toning down the final showdown slightly, as I did think it was a bit too extreme and supernatural compared to the other aspects of the script. I would also focus making Trexler’s motivations slightly clearer. Do this, and you will have a very solid little script on your hands. But great stuff with the rewrite, regardless.


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rolo
Posted: November 11th, 2013, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Toby -

Thanks for the great notes! Much appreciated! Sorry I didn't reply to them earlier - Been working on a rewrite of my latest script, a Zom-Com! I know. I know. "Not another zombie script?!" Happy to say this script really pushes the genre. Anyway enough of zombies. On to your notes on Offline!

"I really enjoyed re-reading this script!"

Thanks, man. The fact that you've read both drafts and gave good notes on each, is truly appreciated!

"There was some genuinely creepy, horrifying moments (the rat gnawing at the leg... WTF?!), which would look brilliant on screen. You created the atmosphere perfectly, and most importantly, the atmosphere which you created enhanced the story that you were telling."

I was a little nervous about making Offline more of a horror. However, the response I have got from folks such as your good self, suggest it was well worth doing! As for the rat - I hate rats! They give me the creeps. The scene with the rat gnawing on Dave's leg is pretty horrific imo!

"Page 18- Dave: “When my Dad passed. She lost it big time. Ended up in the loony bin.” I’d maybe have Debbie have to extract this info from him a bit harder, because it read a bit too false, given the exposition overload, at the minute. Maybe after Debbie says “huh?” Dave can stall, try to not give an answer, but she finally manages to get it out of him?"

Great suggestion! I took your advice. And changed it!

"Page 22- I don’t think the flashback is necessary again here, because you’ve already had it a few pages back, when Dave was looking at the tattoos online, so the audience ought to remember that the girl in the tunnel had this. I would personally have the flashback on either or page, as both felt a little overkill."

Good point. I removed the second flashback!

"Also, the scene with him adding friends on facebook seemed a little bit jarring, as I don’t see how this is related to the whole business with Debbie? This seemed more like the pre-Debbie Dave, something he would do before he found her and was trying to help Mei. I mean, sure, she’s a ghost and all, but I don’t see why he’s suddenly wanting to find facebook ‘friends’ after the appearance of the Mystery Man?"

See what you're saying here. Makes sense. Happy to say I removed that scene too!

"Page 76- Dave doesn’t seem to react too much to Linda coming alive again?"

Changed it so there's more of a reaction from Dave!

I also changed quite a few other things as a result of your excellent notes. Particularly, with regard to Trexler and Mei and her actual motivation for doing what she does - So hopefully, it's a little clearer in this draft?

"Conclusion
Overall, I really enjoyed this script. I liked it the first time around, but I felt that the horror aspect that you put in during this rewrite worked so well, that it enhanced every aspect of the story. Only thing I would maybe consider would be toning down the final showdown slightly, as I did think it was a bit too extreme and supernatural compared to the other aspects of the script."

Delighted that you enjoyed Offline. It's especially gratifying that you feel that the horror aspect enhances every aspect of the story!

I see what you're saying about toning down the final showdown. However, I wanted to end the story with a bang and cranked up the stakes and action accordingly. Would be interesting to hear what other folks think of the ending?

Toby, thanks for the time and effort you've spent on this! I truly appreciate it!

Take care, man

Gary (Rolo)






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Posted: January 22nd, 2014, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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Note:  Contains SPOILERS for Offline and the movie Prisoners.

I like this new draft, but I don't like it as much as the previous one.  I know I had nothing but positive things to say about Offline when I first read it but this second go around wasn't the same.  I like it, though -- don't get me wrong at all.  There are just a couple of things that are off for me, like, for instance, how Dave has no problem at all digging up what he needs to know.  All he has to do is "Google it" and bam!  He finds the answer that he needs.  It all just seems too easy and convenient and after a while, I even started to roll my eyes when he would resort to the lap top.  There's no challenge here!  Everything is being handed to him.  Boring.

I'm not digging the thriller/horror element this time around, either.  It's too strong.  It's ruining the story.  I think I would like this better if Offline took a more realistic approach.  And while I know Dave and Debbie are ghosts, I can deal with this.  Leave it at just that.  Get rid of all the demonic voices and crazy shit going on, Omni porbas crap or whatever it is. haha.  Think Stir of Echoes.  That's a great movie involving a ghost trying to get justice for her senseless death, and it doesn't get too stupid or hokey.  Better than the Sixth Sense.  Check it out.

Also, I think you need to ax Trexler's lame exposition filled rant and do something about your ending.  All too often there is a really good script or movie -- take Prisoners, for example -- that has you guessing on the edge of your seat and then when you finally come to find out who's the kidnapper/the killer, it's just a "what the fuck, this is it?" moment.  When the old lady/mother was revealed -- and she starts talking about why she did it -- it kinda ruined the movie just a bit.  It was too Hollywood.  Although I will give them credit for not having a total Hollywood ending, which sort of makes up for the lame reveal of the kidnapper.


--Steve
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rolo
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Levy - Thanks for giving this latest draft a read. Gotta say, it's a little disappointing that you weren't as enthusiastic this time around.

That said, you make some interesting points. Not sure I entirely agree with you about everything being handed to him via his laptop. I think there are a few red herrings amongst the information he uncovers. Though, I guess I can see where you're coming from.

Will definitely take a look at "Trexler's lame exposition rant" at the end - see if I can improve upon it somehow. One of the curses of this type of murder mystery is the exposition filled rant at the end. Like you said, Prisoners has it. The Bone Collector has a similar WTF? rant also. Generally, readers/viewers expect an explanation for why the killer did what he/she did - so coming up with a clever way of giving them what they want is probably my biggest challenge going forward.

Oh, one other thing, Dave isn't actually dead in this draft! It's set up to make you think he is - but he's not!

Thanks for the read, man!

Rolo
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rolo
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Levy - Forgot to mention that I've seen Stir of Echoes. I agree it's a great movie. It's been a good few years since I've seen it. Though if memory serves me right, there was a mini rant towards the end from one of the killer's parents explaining why they did what they did and the choices they made?

Something along the lines of "They were only kids - they had their whole lives ahead of them. She was already dead. There was nothing we could do for her so we..." Or did I just make that up?! LOl. Like I said it's been years since I've seen it, so I can't remember what he said word for word.

For me the biggest problem I had with that movie, was the rape and subsequent murder of the girl. The ring leader was a star athlete who looked to have a golden future ahead of him. Would he really throw all that away just to make out with a nerdy girl? When I was in School the jocks got all the girls - even the 'hot' ones!!

Getting back to Offline - I think the reader/viewer needs to know WHY the killer does what he/she does. Without an explanation, I think it would ultimately be unsatisfying. I just need to work on it some more I guess.

Not sure if you've seen ATM? It's an okay movie - though the ending is a little contrived imo. Anyway, my point is, we  watch this mysterious stranger murder everyone in the ATM - one by one. But we never get to find out WHY? For me, that was very unsatisfying on an emotional level. What was the point of the story?

If only the guy had spilled his guts on why he did what he did at the end!! LOL.

Rolo
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Posted: January 23rd, 2014, 7:03am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Gary,

Hope all is well. Started skimming this new version , before I knew it I'm on pg 48. Goes back to what I said earlier: quickest read ever. So far so good. I don't remember much about your last draft, but any changes you've made seem to fit in seamlessly. I think, by the comments, you've added more horror?  So far I think it's working.

And did you say Dave is not dead now? I think that was the story's strong point. Maybe I'm reading it wrong.

However, one thing I really wanted to touch on--not sure if anyone else had, was the appearance of the Luna Moth. Googled it--haha. Spiritually, so they say, it signifies transformation, the seeking of truth, and is attracted to the moon for its light. Excellent inclusion, Gary. It fits in great with your story, even though its a bit Silence of The Lambsy. Maybe you make it clearer later on, but I don't think the moth will translate well to screen in terms of the audience "getting it."  Perhaps you make that part clearer later on, but for now it just seems like a clever story device that only the reader will understand...if he googles it.

Gotta go

Steve


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Hey Steve -

I'm well, thanks. Hope you are too?

Thanks for cracking this latest draft open and taking a look! I'm delighted that you think the changes I've made fit in seamlessly! As you noticed from the comments, there's a much stronger horror element in this draft.

To be honest, with the exception of Levy, everyone who has read both drafts, prefers this one. That's not to say Levy's wrong. We all have different tastes and I respect that.

Very perceptive of you to uncover the significance of the Luna Moth and how it relates to the story. And you're right, it won't translate to the screen well, if at all. I just included it to enrich the read somewhat. Even without 'googling' it, I was hoping that the reader would pick up on how Luna Moth ties in with the murders taking place during a full moon and the killer's media nickname "Lunar Loony" etc.

Really hope you get to finish it - would welcome your thoughts!

Take care,

Gary (Rolo)
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Quoted from rolo


Not sure if you've seen ATM? It's an okay movie - though the ending is a little contrived imo. Anyway, my point is, we  watch this mysterious stranger murder everyone in the ATM - one by one. But we never get to find out WHY? For me, that was very unsatisfying on an emotional level. What was the point of the story?

If only the guy had spilled his guts on why he did what he did at the end!! LOL.

Rolo



Why??  There's no explanation as to why Michael Myers stalks and kills babysitters in Halloween... and that movie is a classic!




--Steve
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Toby_E
Posted: January 24th, 2014, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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But in my opinion, murder mysteries - which this script essentially is - is completely different to slashers. When the main question posed by a screenplay/film is "who committed the murder/crime", then we need a solid motivation behind the revelation, as to make it feel organic to the story, as opposed to a complete "WTF?!" moment.

SPOILERS

This is where I felt Prisioners failed; not because of the exposition to try and identify the killer's/ kidnapper's motivations, but because the explanation sucked.

However, in slashers, the audience cares more about the kills and the outcome of the protagonist under threat.


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rolo
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@ Levy (Steve)

First off, just want to say that I've got a lot of respect for you. I was absolutely delighted that you liked the previous draft as much as you did and even went so far as to recommend it to others! I know you've got a keen eye for a good script and I guess that's why I was a little disappointed that you weren't as keen on this latest draft!

Anyway, as regards:

"Why??  There's no explanation as to why Michael Myers stalks and kills babysitters in Halloween... and that movie is a classic!"

My comment about the killer spilling his guts in ATM was said tongue in cheek.

Also, it's years since I've seen Halloween. But I think we got a good sense of exactly who Michael Myers was from the Donald Pleasence character. He kept telling anyone who'd listen, just how evil Michael was etc. Also, and correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the babysitter (Jamie Lee Curtis) related to Michael? Hadn't he killed all his family and she was his sole surviving relative or something? So, in other words, he had a motive for doing what he did, however twisted? Though, like I said, it's years since I've seen it, so some of what I said, might be wrong?

I've more or less outgrown slasher films. However, the ones I enjoyed the most when I were younger, the killer always had a motive (usually revenge) of some sort for doing what he did. Films like 'A Nightmare on Elm Street' and 'Friday the 13th.' Hence, the reason why ATM felt so flat for me. The guy killed random strangers for no apparent reason or motive?

As regards Offline and the demonic voices. I imagine demonic voices would read pretty flat on the page in most scripts - but would transfer to the screen quite well? I remember the original 'Evil Dead' had them and they were pretty creepy at the time. And not to be a smart ass or anything, but the film you mentioned 'Stir of Echoes' also made use of a demonic voice. The protagonist's son speaks in one - then speaks normally and can't remember what he said whilst speaking in the demonic voice.

@ Toby

"But in my opinion, murder mysteries - which this script essentially is - is completely different to slashers. When the main question posed by a screenplay/film is "who committed the murder/crime", then we need a solid motivation behind the revelation, as to make it feel organic to the story, as opposed to a complete "WTF?!" moment.

Great point! You put it far better than I!
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Guest
Posted: January 24th, 2014, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rolo
Also, and correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the babysitter (Jamie Lee Curtis) related to Michael? Hadn't he killed all his family and she was his sole surviving relative or something? So, in other words, he had a motive for doing what he did,



No, he had no motive until the sequel.  That is when the stupid idea of the sister came into play.

As for Offline, don't feel bad.  I still like it.  

Not many people can write a decent script where the entire story takes place in a bedroom.


--Steve
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