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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Offline Moderators: bert
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rolo
Posted: January 24th, 2014, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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@ Levy

"No, he had no motive until the sequel.  That is when the stupid idea of the sister came into play."

Ah, right. Told you it was a long time since I'd seen it! Thanks for clearing that up!

"As for Offline, don't feel bad.  I still like it.  

Not many people can write a decent script where the entire story takes place in a bedroom."

Cool! And thanks!

Gary (Rolo)
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SAC
Posted: January 31st, 2014, 7:01am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hey Gary,

This'll might be short. Everyone here's waking up.

So take me back. How did Dave come in contact with Mei in the first place? Newspaper ad, Internet?  Cause what I'm thinking is that if Trexler is Mei, then how would Trexler have
been so sneaky enough as to have a fake advertisement posted knowing that Dave would call seeking out the services of a medium?  Make sense?

Ok. Trexler still feels like a man to me! Ha. Even without the Popeye arms description. I guess it's something about her dialogue perhaps. She just doesn't feel feminine. But then I think that's what you were going for anyway. It's a slight nitpick of mine.

You definitely ramped up the horror at the end. Did Linda die in the last draft? I don't remember, but I'm not sure how I feel about her death now. I would have kinda liked to see her live, I think.

Also, I think that Dave being alive now you might have to change some if the dialogue of his and Linda's interactions. I think you're trying to get the audience now to speculate whether Dave is dead or not, but I feel you might be over thinking your own story here. I don't know if people are gonna get that they think Dave is dead at first. Do you think they will? I didn't at first, and I think Linda's dialogue is so vague that it might leave peeps scratching their heads at first.

I'm talking about on the screen, of course.

Also, your inclusion of that crow appearing a Dave's window was pretty cool. From what I understand a bird symbolizes the arrival of news. I've used it before. Not sure if the crow has any other specific meaning.

Overall, it was good. The added horror didn't bother me that much. You
Might have gone a little over the top with the rat gnawing on his leg and all, but if you feel cool with that then that's okay.

Personally, I think any changes you need to make have more to do with Dave being alive now. From that angle, I think you might need to tighten things up because you've changed the whole dynamic of your story with that one little change.

Oh, your ending. Almost forgot. I liked it. I liked how you handled all the reveals -- Mei, the fact that adage is alive although Trexler tried to get him to think otherwise. I thought the bed flying up in the air was a bit cheesy. Sorry.  Otherwise, things were wrapped up pretty tight. Enjoyed the happy ending for Dave.

Okay. Gotta run. Nice job overall.

Steve


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rolo
Posted: February 4th, 2014, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve -

Thanks for cracking Offline open again and making it to the end. Much appreciated!

"So take me back. How did Dave come in contact with Mei in the first place? Newspaper ad, Internet?  Cause what I'm thinking is that if Trexler is Mei, then how would Trexler have been so sneaky enough as to have a fake advertisement posted knowing that Dave would call seeking out the services of a medium?  Make sense?"

This is a good question. We learn later on that Trexler/Mei has had the 'gift' since she was in her teens. This is how she earns her living. She advertises her services as a psychic on the net etc. Now, it may appear a little contrived that Dave contacted her directly - but he tried a few other psychics first. And Trexler had been attempting to contact him anyway using her 'gift' so it all fell into place.

"Ok. Trexler still feels like a man to me! Ha. Even without the Popeye arms description."

Ha! Glad you noticed I lost the Popeye arms in this draft - see, I do listen to you guys!

"Also, I think that Dave being alive now you might have to change some if the dialogue of his and Linda's interactions. I think you're trying to get the audience now to speculate whether Dave is dead or not, but I feel you might be over thinking your own story here. I don't know if people are gonna get that they think Dave is dead at first. Do you think they will? I didn't at first, and I think Linda's dialogue is so vague that it might leave peeps scratching their heads at first."

Again, some good points here. As regards, "Linda's dialogue being so vague," it was  a deliberate choice to highlight that she is mentally unstable - hence why her behaviour towards Dave is so O.T.T.

"Also, your inclusion of that crow appearing a Dave's window was pretty cool. From what I understand a bird symbolizes the arrival of news. I've used it before. Not sure if the crow has any other specific meaning."

Crows are also associated with death. Every time we see 'Dark Eyes' we see a crow(s) - he is a sort of good guy Grim Reaper who collects evil souls such as Trexler's and sends them straight to hell.

"Personally, I think any changes you need to make have more to do with Dave being alive now. From that angle, I think you might need to tighten things up because you've changed the whole dynamic of your story with that one little change."

Some folks said that they knew Dave was dead in the earlier draft and likened the ending to: 'The Sixth Sense.'

So I took a stab at writing a draft that made you think he was dead and even Dave believes himself to be dead at one stage! Interestingly enough, a Produce contacted me last week and is interested in the earlier draft - he read it like six months ago! Anyway, I've asked him to read this latest draft before we move forward on it. I'm happy to go with whichever version he prefers!

Last, but by no means least, belated congratulations on your new arrivals! I was busy writing and sort of missed the boat on that one!

Take care, buddy

Gary (Rolo)
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Guest
Posted: February 28th, 2014, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Very surprised to see this reviewed on Script Shadow.

I was not expecting that -- at all.

I think Carson had some problems that I had, with all the demon stuff.


--Steve
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Demento
Posted: February 28th, 2014, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Guest
Very surprised to see this reviewed on Script Shadow.

I was not expecting that -- at all.

I think Carson had some problems that I had, with all the demon stuff.


--Steve


I see a lot of people on here have gotten their scripts reviewed on Script Shadow. Is it a difficult process to get your screenplay on the site.
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Guest
Posted: February 28th, 2014, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, Gary has joined the likes of Breanne, Phil, Mike, etc in getting their stuff reviewed over at Script Shadow.

There's normally a heads up in our SS thread, but not this time around... that's why I was totally floored when I saw Offline made the cut.

And as far as I know, it is pretty difficult to get your script reviewed on SS.

--Steve
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Leegion
Posted: February 28th, 2014, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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What's Script Shadow?  

Forgive my lack of knowledge on the subject, but I've never heard of it.  
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Guest
Posted: February 28th, 2014, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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http://scriptshadow.net/


Have a look around.


--Steve
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Toby_E
Posted: February 28th, 2014, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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It's a website dedicated to reviewing screenplays and providing knowledge based articles, Lee.

I highly recommend checking it out (scriptshadow.net), as I know both myself and quite a few others on this site find it useful.

EDIT: Speedy-Steve has beat me to the punch


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Guest
Posted: February 28th, 2014, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I'm also trying to look for our thread we have for it on here, but can't find it.


--Steve
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rolo
Posted: March 21st, 2014, 5:21am Report to Moderator
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@ deadite

Apologies for the slow response. I've been MIA working on a rewrite of my latest script.

"Very surprised to see this reviewed on Script Shadow."

Me too. I got a rather curt email from Carson that simply said: "I'm reviewing this tomorrow" No "hi" or "Dear Gary" or "good luck" or anything...

Though that's not surprising really, I'd been a bit critical about his recent lack of newsletters in the comments section and had suggested that he had "taken his eye off the ball" lately.

"I think Carson had some problems that I had, with all the demon stuff."

Yeah - maybe with hindsight the demon stuff was a mistake. Nothing happened with the original draft so I gave it a substantial rewrite hoping it would fly but unfortunately it sank like a lead balloon! Lol.

I think overall Carson's review was quite fair. That said, part of me thinks he went into Offline not wanting to like it because I obviously pissed him off. And here's a brief example of why I think that:

"Once we hit the stereotypical inadvertently funny Asian psychic, that’s when I officially knew this story wasn’t going to work for me. Mei Li giving David advice in her funny Chinese accent just made this script too goofy."

Anyone who has read Offline from start to finish knows there never was an Asian psychic! She was a creation of the real killer, hence the funny Chinese accent. She merely served as a huge red herring!

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