Perpetual Repentance by James Williams (jwent668 - Thriller, Supernatural Thriller - A rookie detective believes she's stumbled upon a trail of murders committed by a vigilante vampire and soon finds herself the target of a dying cult leader who seeks immortality. 92 pages - pdf, format

Hey James,

Perpetual Repentance isn't a very catchy title.  When I clicked on the portal tonight, the first thing that drew my attention was 'Cocaine Galore,' a short with a catchy title, but, unfortunately, not very good in the attention holding department.  As for your script... it held my attention for all of 43 pages before I stopped reading.

Lexi was likeable as a protagonist, but she wasn't engaging enough for me, so I didn't really care when she was stripped of her badge and gun and put on leave, and I wasn't interested in finding out how she would get those things back, prove everybody wrong, and save the day.  

I think the main reason I'm not getting into this script (and the reason why I don't care about Lexi and how she gets her badge back) is because this is a vampire script... where nothing new was brought to the table*.  It comes across as too "safe," by the book, and worst of all, comes across like a script written for a bland DTV horror flick (a lot of dialogue also feels OTN).

Not for me.  


-- Steve






*But you can get around that.  If you're not innovative or original, your script can still work just so long as the dialogue is there, the characters have character, and you have a nice amount of good tension, conflict, suspense, dread, that impending doom, etc. etc.  I think Perpetual Repentance lacks most of these items...

Thanks for posting, Don.

Thanks to Bert and Ryan for some early notes.

Steve, I thank you for giving it a shot. The title is just a working one for now. I plan to change it. Lexi is pretty vanilla. I sometimes think the best protagonist is the most normal person in the story.

This was written as a prequel to the two short films I've been lucky enough to have made by some great film makers. I wanted it to be a stand alone story, but somewhere along the way I've missed my mark. Just tossing it on here for some notes, looks like I have a page 1 rewrite on my hands.

James

I don't know…call me weird but I actually like the unusual title. I'll put this on my Must Read list.

Hey James - how you doing? This is well written & easy to read -- nice after some of the stuff I've been reading of late.

Main problem for me is like Levy says -- your protag isn't a protag; they're not dictating the story... Richter's clearly the stronger character here, and Lexi's answering to him. Test changing their names for the first 5-7 pages and see how it sounds... you're really writing in the male voice here, and you either have to get into the female voice or Scottesque turn your female protag into a male and go from there.

Only did the first 12, but it's cool up to there.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

The script is well written (apart from some typos but we all do that) and I had no problem following the story or visualising the scenes.

It is Hollywood cliché in some areas but you turn that on its head sometimes, in others you don't. The rookie cop chasing down a case either no-one can figure out or no-one cares about. The corpses drained of blood, which look like Vampire victims but no-one seems to recognise or even knowledge it, as if no-one's ever seen any vampire movies in this universe. The cult leader who's a megalomaniac searching for eternal life; all cliché’s Hollywood has spewed out a many different ways. I did groan at these aspects when I first came across them but I like what do with them further down the line.

The Cult leader, the way he gets his followers to agree to commit suicide was great. A lot of people would cut that down and just show the followers committing suicide all over the city, here we see and hear an enigmatic and powerful person persuading them to do it. It makes the suicides much more powerful and real.

The shoot out; again most writers would simply have Robert and his henchmen shooting at the house but here you gives Robert some intelligence and he co-ordinates his attack in a way I've been shouting at pretty much every shoot out I've ever seen on the screen, shoot high then shoot low. The result is a hit, Richter. And he doesn't go quick and clean, it's messy and painful. Sounds pervy of me but I liked that, I like it to feel dangerous and threatening in a shoot-out scene rather than safe.

The cops really knowing about Sean, but looking the other way because he takes care of bad guys like a Vampire version of Dexter, again that's a nice touch.

I like the aspect of Sean taking on the DNA of his latest victim, that's a nice new twist I don't think I've read before. I like, and always have, that Sean is a human with a curse. Gone is all the cool powers, he's supposed to be cursed ffs not be some hot pin-up who can walk in the daylight with super speed and super strength!

I’d like to see more of that side, make it a real character driven story about a cursed person who’s literally been through hell on earth for a very long time. This could be a real gritty, gorey horror with it's own voice that stands out amoungst the saturated Vampire genre.

I like the idea of Robert being so desperate for eternal life he throws parties to try and attract real vampires and has thermal goggles to check out potentials, that was a nice touch.

So what don't I like. Well to be blunt the first 15 pages I found dull. So Pretty did a much better job of introducing Sean to the audience than this but I stuck with it because I like So Pretty & Dark.

This first section is very Hollywood, very cliché. The opening is like a scene from Arrow and then we get the Rookie cop, the bodies drained of blood and an investigation that didn't compel me at all. Most of the dialogue is on the money and I struggled to carry on. I was hoping for Seven and it looked like I was going to get Sleepy Hollow (the TV show).
I'm glad I didn't as it did get better. 16 stands out for me when Willard tells his story about the fishing, from this point on I started to warm to the script. You are good at the metaphor stories. Then we have the party and the introduction to the cult, very compelling scenes and I was in to it then.

The scene with Sean and Nathalia also stands out, powerful and gives us a brief insight into Sean's world and his curse.

What doesn't work for me is the scene where Lexi and Sean have this long conversation, including flashbacks during the shoot-out. Don’t get me wrong that is a great conversation for the two characters to have and there's some great dialogue between the two (especially when Sean declares about God sitting idly by) but I can't see them having this long drawn out chat while their lives are in imminent danger; it feels forced.

And yet, hear-in lies a problem though. Sean is a mystery that we never really get into. The audience will think he's a standard vampire with a few of the legend rules messed around with just like every other Vampire TV show/movie does, there's so much more to Sean that we just don't get chance to see. Maybe some flashbacks could help but not in the middle of a shoot out.

The ending didn’t really do anything for me either I’m afraid. It was Cliché, nothing different. I knew Robert was going to eat his followers twenty pages before his followers did lol!

Overall yeah, shows potential but feels like a Web Series at the moment or TV movie.

I hope my comments help

Hi James, I noticed you had a new script up here without many reads & thought I'd give it a shot as I enjoyed Willowick so much.

I see that you've mentioned 'Perpetual Repentance' is just a working title - I definitely think this needs to change. It's not that it's a particularly bad title, I just don't think that it fits this story. It makes it sound like some kind of art-house drama instead of a vampire thriller.

As for the script itself, your writing is great (as usual) and the dialogue was good for the most part, although it did veer into either cheesy of expositional territory a couple of times. There were a few typos & mistakes here and there, but I didn't make note of them as I wanted to concentrate more on the story & characters.

As a whole, I liked this - it kept me interested throughout & there was certainly plenty going on in the story (Lexi's investigation, the vampire angle, Robert & his cult). The main issues I had with it though are with two of the main characters, Lexi & Sean, and that's what stopped me from really digging it.

I think Lexi is the main problem - she just isn't a strong enough protag. At the beginning, Richter is a far more interesting character and she seems a little overshadowed by him, like he's the protag & she's a support character. I also think the biggest problem with her is that it takes up until page 72 for us to find out about the whole 'fake hero' backstory. If we knew about this in the beginning, that she was forced by her captain to lie about it, and that she now lives with that burden, she immediately becomes a far more interesting character. Then throughout the script, instead of her just seeming like a cliched eager rookie, you'd have a protag who is carrying round all this emotional baggage & inner conflict, feeling the need to constantly prove herself & come to terms with the lie that she's living.

As for Sean, I just didn't buy the whole 'vampire with a conscience' thing. He's a (presumably) centuries old blood-sucker, who's survived by killing countless people. I liked the fact some way along the line he's decided to target people who he feels deserve to die, but I just didn't believe that after all the murders he's committed he'd be so bothered about Robert's followers committing suicide, or that he'd care so much about Lexi's safety when they're in the club near the beginning. At the end of the day, he's a predator who survives by killing others, and I think that by making him so compassionate, you've weakened his character. I haven't got a suggestion for an easy fix for this, but I think you definitely need to find another way that Robert can get one up on him. Some other kind of leverage that he can use to stop him from leaving town. I also think we need to know more about Sean - as it is we never really learn anything about him. Giving us glimpses into his life or his past may even lead you to find a different weakness that Robert can take advantage of.

Those major problems aside, there was a lot I liked about this - The overall story; Richter's wise cracking cop; Sean absorbing his victim's DNA; The shoot out & battle with Robert at the end (minus Lexi's flashback - sticking that in the middle of this big action sequence really interrupted the flow).

Hopefully this helps with your re-write!

James, surprised how few reads this has received.  My immediate guess would be the title and the fact that you haven't been around lately.  Anyways, good to see you back and great to see that you have a new script completed.

I do plan on reading the whole thing, but for now, I only read the intro and want to stop and provide some thoughts.  You know my style when it comes to feedback, so take it with many grains of salt.

James, if I didn't see your name atached to this, I wouldn't peg you as the writer, as IMO, it's not well written at all.  The other comments all say it is well written, and I wonder if they really, truly mean that, or if they're saying that because they know you are a good writer?  Interesting.

The whole intro just has an odd feel to it.  It reads very clunky.  It reads very passive. The sentence structure is very bland and matter of fact.  I won't go so far to call the writing awkward, but it borders on it at times, for me.

What's worse, though, is that it's not remotely visual, and the reason is the writing itself, and the words you chose to use.

I don't know if "Dr. Armande" comes into play as the script progresses, but I'm struggling to figure out why you chose to call him Dr. Armande, as opposed to "Julien", or Julien Armande.  If you read the intro over, out loud, check out how many times you use "Dr. Armande" and how it stilts the flow.

Dr. Armande does this.  Dr. Armande does that.  Just doesn't read well at all.

The scene itself could be engaging, but based on the way it's written and more importantly, the way it reads, it just comes off rather dull and even cliche.

Even the dialogue doesn't sound natural or beleivable.

And then, all of a sudden, the scene is over, and for me, that's a killer, because this intro needs to ROCK, be a nail biter, a screamer!  It's not as written, and most likely, not even as conceived.  It just needs more "oomph", IMO.

I know this probably comes off pretty harsh, but I'm never going to give you false praise or blow smoke up your arse.  To me, this reads like a very rough, first draft and doesn't seem like it even came from you.

James, I think you know I like your writing and I even like you as a person, so please take my words as they're intended. I do hope this helps and makes sense.

I'll try to read the entire script by this weekend.  Take care, bro!

Huge thanks for the reads, all.

Per the title, it would be scrapped by any producer but, to me, it emboddies what this is about. Lexi was forced into a lie and comes clean at the end. Only to delete Richter's confession off her laptop and cover up another. Sean's everyday life is trying to make right his wrongs by killing only criminals. An ongoing cycle that never ends.

Simon,

Thanks for the look. I haven't been around much for sure. As per Lexi's character, she needs more work, but I needed someone a bit more normal the audience will hopefully empathize with. I already have a smart-ass cop, a vigilante vampire, and an delusional cult leader. Thanks again.

Thanks for reading, Mark...

Quoted from MarkRenshaw It is Hollywood cliché in some areas but you turn that on its head sometimes, in others you don't.

I'm beginning to hear that a lot about this script. I think I played the "usual" formula a little too close, but I thought that's what you're supposed to do as an amateur screenwriter. If you ever break in, write however you want.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw The Cult leader, the way he gets his followers to agree to commit suicide was great. A lot of people would cut that down and just show the followers committing suicide all over the city, here we see and hear an enigmatic and powerful person persuading them to do it. It makes the suicides much more powerful and real.

Thanks, that's one of my favorite parts.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I’d like to see more of that side, make it a real character driven story about a cursed person who’s literally been through hell on earth for a very long time. This could be a real gritty, gorey horror with it's own voice that stands out amoungst the saturated Vampire genre.

I think that's what most were expecting and that is how I feel about the Sean character. I just didn't want him to be the main character unless it continues as a series. Tried to write more or less an introduction to Sean.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw What doesn't work for me is the scene where Lexi and Sean have this long conversation, including flashbacks during the shoot-out.

I'm beginning to think it was ill-placed. It's necessary, IMO, but could've been delivered better.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw And yet, hear-in lies a problem though. Sean is a mystery that we never really get into. The audience will think he's a standard vampire with a few of the legend rules messed around with just like every other Vampire TV show/movie does, there's so much more to Sean that we just don't get chance to see. Maybe some flashbacks could help but not in the middle of a shoot out.

I know. Everyone wants Sean's backstory. We began writing it in a follow up to So Dark, but funding for the short kind of fell through. Again, here I didn't make him the main character. I like keeping him a mystery for now.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw The ending didn’t really do anything for me either I’m afraid. It was Cliché, nothing different. I knew Robert was going to eat his followers twenty pages before his followers did lol!

Understandable. The whole ending was supposed to take place at one location, hoping to lower budget. It was suggested to me that Lexi receives a mortal wound in the ending battle and Sean turns her. I don't like that idea. That I know people would smell a mile before it happened.

Thanks again, Mark. I really approciate your notes and if I can return the favor just PM me...

Cheers,

James

Steve!

Thanks for the read and I hope things are well. Glad you still remember Willowick, if things fall through on this I'm heading straight back to it.

Quoted from SteveUK I think Lexi is the main problem - she just isn't a strong enough protag. At the beginning, Richter is a far more interesting character and she seems a little overshadowed by him, like he's the protag & she's a support character. I also think the biggest problem with her is that it takes up until page 72 for us to find out about the whole 'fake hero' backstory. If we knew about this in the beginning, that she was forced by her captain to lie about it, and that she now lives with that burden, she immediately becomes a far more interesting character. Then throughout the script, instead of her just seeming like a cliched eager rookie, you'd have a protag who is carrying round all this emotional baggage & inner conflict, feeling the need to constantly prove herself & come to terms with the lie that she's living.

Quite right! I'm working on ways to drop more hints about her backstory throughout the script. Maybe giving her some permanent effects from being in a coma or shot. Maybe she even gets a couple nasty phone calls from the prison medical facility from Igor Velinchik, who thinks she shot him. Problem is, I still need her to tell that story to Sean toward the end. I thought after spilling some blood together in a minor lull in the shootout would be a good time, but I can see how it's a problem.

Quoted from SteveUK As for Sean, I just didn't buy the whole 'vampire with a conscience' thing. He's a (presumably) centuries old blood-sucker, who's survived by killing countless people. I liked the fact some way along the line he's decided to target people who he feels deserve to die, but I just didn't believe that after all the murders he's committed he'd be so bothered about Robert's followers committing suicide, or that he'd care so much about Lexi's safety when they're in the club near the beginning. At the end of the day, he's a predator who survives by killing others, and I think that by making him so compassionate, you've weakened his character. I haven't got a suggestion for an easy fix for this, but I think you definitely need to find another way that Robert can get one up on him. Some other kind of leverage that he can use to stop him from leaving town. I also think we need to know more about Sean - as it is we never really learn anything about him. Giving us glimpses into his life or his past may even lead you to find a different weakness that Robert can take advantage of.

I will disagree about Sean's character a bit here. I do find him a tad compassionate and holding on to his last bit of humanity doing the best he can. His true beef is with God, not humanity. As for his backstory? I'm gonna keep hearing it, I know, but since I really didn't make him the main character here, I think a flashback for him is out of place. If anything, I was thinking about giving him another kill in the middle of the story. Maybe one he struggles with.

I was trying to write a feature for a large audience who probably knows nothing about Sean. The success on Youtube is just a tiny piece of the market I was trying to target with this and that's my fault. I was hoping to create something in the mold of Carice--Hannibal--Buffalo Bill. I think Buffalo Bill(Robert Garner)  kind of stole the show in my story though whereas I wanted the audience to be more intrigued with Sean.

Thanks Again for some great notes, Steve. I only peruse the boards now and again here anymore. I think I saw a new feature from you not too long ago? Hit me up with the title. Got to do some reading to earn my keep around here.

James

Somehow, I missed this.

Is this the feature version of the two short films?

I'll read it after I finish Donny and Floyd.  

Congrats on a new feature!  

Jeff,

My old C-town alumni, hope all is well!

Quoted from Dreamscale James, surprised how few reads this has received.  My immediate guess would be the title and the fact that you haven't been around lately.  Anyways, good to see you back and great to see that you have a new script completed.

My thoughts as well. I haven't been around much. Wasn't surprised to watch this drop straight through the portal into the toilet.

Quoted from Dreamscale The other comments all say it is well written, and I wonder if they really, truly mean that, or if they're saying that because they know you are a good writer?  Interesting.

Don't bring your wrecking ball in here because of what others said. You know I think there are several better writers than myself on these boards.

Quoted from Dreamscale And then, all of a sudden, the scene is over, and for me, that's a killer, because this intro needs to ROCK, be a nail biter, a screamer!  It's not as written, and most likely, not even as conceived.  It just needs more "oomph", IMO.

Ha ha. I sent you this intro months ago and you were like. "Great intro, and I don't say that often."--

Quoted from Dreamscale James, I think you know I like your writing and I even like you as a person, so please take my words as they're intended. I do hope this helps and makes sense.

Don't worry about hurting my feelings, Jeff. I take the good and the bad with your notes and you know we often agree to disagree. I'm completely cool with it all.

Thanks again, bro.

Cheers, James

Quoted from Grandma Bear Somehow, I missed this. Is this the feature version of the two short films? I'll read it after I finish Donny and Floyd.   Congrats on a new feature!

Hi Pia!

Thanks for the congrats. This was written as a prequel to the two short films. Thanks for any notes in advance!

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Ha ha. I sent you this intro months ago and you were like. "Great intro, and I don't say that often."--

You did?  When?  I said I liked it?  Was it the exact same intro?

Interesting...

Yo Cleveland!  Just saw this and will check it out.

Surprised you haven't written a fantasy script yet in which the Browns make the playoffs. I guess Hollywood doesn't deal in impossibilities....lol



Have read the first 12 and I'm liking it. Didn't have any issues with Dr Armande being referred to by that name all the time - I would do the same. If he was a school teacher, he would be Mr Armande, so no biggie.  Although if he was a major char, I guess 90 pages of it might get tiring, lol

And not sure about the phone convo being designated VO.  I either use (on phone) or even O.S. Maybe Jeff can shed some Arizona light on that, lol.

Will keep reading!