Perpetual Repentance by James Williams (jwent668 - Thriller, Supernatural Thriller - A rookie detective believes she's stumbled upon a trail of murders committed by a vigilante vampire and soon finds herself the target of a dying cult leader who seeks immortality. 92 pages - pdf, format

Hey James,

Perpetual Repentance isn't a very catchy title.  When I clicked on the portal tonight, the first thing that drew my attention was 'Cocaine Galore,' a short with a catchy title, but, unfortunately, not very good in the attention holding department.  As for your script... it held my attention for all of 43 pages before I stopped reading.

Lexi was likeable as a protagonist, but she wasn't engaging enough for me, so I didn't really care when she was stripped of her badge and gun and put on leave, and I wasn't interested in finding out how she would get those things back, prove everybody wrong, and save the day.  

I think the main reason I'm not getting into this script (and the reason why I don't care about Lexi and how she gets her badge back) is because this is a vampire script... where nothing new was brought to the table*.  It comes across as too "safe," by the book, and worst of all, comes across like a script written for a bland DTV horror flick (a lot of dialogue also feels OTN).

Not for me.  


-- Steve






*But you can get around that.  If you're not innovative or original, your script can still work just so long as the dialogue is there, the characters have character, and you have a nice amount of good tension, conflict, suspense, dread, that impending doom, etc. etc.  I think Perpetual Repentance lacks most of these items...

Thanks for posting, Don.

Thanks to Bert and Ryan for some early notes.

Steve, I thank you for giving it a shot. The title is just a working one for now. I plan to change it. Lexi is pretty vanilla. I sometimes think the best protagonist is the most normal person in the story.

This was written as a prequel to the two short films I've been lucky enough to have made by some great film makers. I wanted it to be a stand alone story, but somewhere along the way I've missed my mark. Just tossing it on here for some notes, looks like I have a page 1 rewrite on my hands.

James

I don't know…call me weird but I actually like the unusual title. I'll put this on my Must Read list.

Hey James - how you doing? This is well written & easy to read -- nice after some of the stuff I've been reading of late.

Main problem for me is like Levy says -- your protag isn't a protag; they're not dictating the story... Richter's clearly the stronger character here, and Lexi's answering to him. Test changing their names for the first 5-7 pages and see how it sounds... you're really writing in the male voice here, and you either have to get into the female voice or Scottesque turn your female protag into a male and go from there.

Only did the first 12, but it's cool up to there.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

The script is well written (apart from some typos but we all do that) and I had no problem following the story or visualising the scenes.

It is Hollywood cliché in some areas but you turn that on its head sometimes, in others you don't. The rookie cop chasing down a case either no-one can figure out or no-one cares about. The corpses drained of blood, which look like Vampire victims but no-one seems to recognise or even knowledge it, as if no-one's ever seen any vampire movies in this universe. The cult leader who's a megalomaniac searching for eternal life; all cliché’s Hollywood has spewed out a many different ways. I did groan at these aspects when I first came across them but I like what do with them further down the line.

The Cult leader, the way he gets his followers to agree to commit suicide was great. A lot of people would cut that down and just show the followers committing suicide all over the city, here we see and hear an enigmatic and powerful person persuading them to do it. It makes the suicides much more powerful and real.

The shoot out; again most writers would simply have Robert and his henchmen shooting at the house but here you gives Robert some intelligence and he co-ordinates his attack in a way I've been shouting at pretty much every shoot out I've ever seen on the screen, shoot high then shoot low. The result is a hit, Richter. And he doesn't go quick and clean, it's messy and painful. Sounds pervy of me but I liked that, I like it to feel dangerous and threatening in a shoot-out scene rather than safe.

The cops really knowing about Sean, but looking the other way because he takes care of bad guys like a Vampire version of Dexter, again that's a nice touch.

I like the aspect of Sean taking on the DNA of his latest victim, that's a nice new twist I don't think I've read before. I like, and always have, that Sean is a human with a curse. Gone is all the cool powers, he's supposed to be cursed ffs not be some hot pin-up who can walk in the daylight with super speed and super strength!

I’d like to see more of that side, make it a real character driven story about a cursed person who’s literally been through hell on earth for a very long time. This could be a real gritty, gorey horror with it's own voice that stands out amoungst the saturated Vampire genre.

I like the idea of Robert being so desperate for eternal life he throws parties to try and attract real vampires and has thermal goggles to check out potentials, that was a nice touch.

So what don't I like. Well to be blunt the first 15 pages I found dull. So Pretty did a much better job of introducing Sean to the audience than this but I stuck with it because I like So Pretty & Dark.

This first section is very Hollywood, very cliché. The opening is like a scene from Arrow and then we get the Rookie cop, the bodies drained of blood and an investigation that didn't compel me at all. Most of the dialogue is on the money and I struggled to carry on. I was hoping for Seven and it looked like I was going to get Sleepy Hollow (the TV show).
I'm glad I didn't as it did get better. 16 stands out for me when Willard tells his story about the fishing, from this point on I started to warm to the script. You are good at the metaphor stories. Then we have the party and the introduction to the cult, very compelling scenes and I was in to it then.

The scene with Sean and Nathalia also stands out, powerful and gives us a brief insight into Sean's world and his curse.

What doesn't work for me is the scene where Lexi and Sean have this long conversation, including flashbacks during the shoot-out. Don’t get me wrong that is a great conversation for the two characters to have and there's some great dialogue between the two (especially when Sean declares about God sitting idly by) but I can't see them having this long drawn out chat while their lives are in imminent danger; it feels forced.

And yet, hear-in lies a problem though. Sean is a mystery that we never really get into. The audience will think he's a standard vampire with a few of the legend rules messed around with just like every other Vampire TV show/movie does, there's so much more to Sean that we just don't get chance to see. Maybe some flashbacks could help but not in the middle of a shoot out.

The ending didn’t really do anything for me either I’m afraid. It was Cliché, nothing different. I knew Robert was going to eat his followers twenty pages before his followers did lol!

Overall yeah, shows potential but feels like a Web Series at the moment or TV movie.

I hope my comments help

Hi James, I noticed you had a new script up here without many reads & thought I'd give it a shot as I enjoyed Willowick so much.

I see that you've mentioned 'Perpetual Repentance' is just a working title - I definitely think this needs to change. It's not that it's a particularly bad title, I just don't think that it fits this story. It makes it sound like some kind of art-house drama instead of a vampire thriller.

As for the script itself, your writing is great (as usual) and the dialogue was good for the most part, although it did veer into either cheesy of expositional territory a couple of times. There were a few typos & mistakes here and there, but I didn't make note of them as I wanted to concentrate more on the story & characters.

As a whole, I liked this - it kept me interested throughout & there was certainly plenty going on in the story (Lexi's investigation, the vampire angle, Robert & his cult). The main issues I had with it though are with two of the main characters, Lexi & Sean, and that's what stopped me from really digging it.

I think Lexi is the main problem - she just isn't a strong enough protag. At the beginning, Richter is a far more interesting character and she seems a little overshadowed by him, like he's the protag & she's a support character. I also think the biggest problem with her is that it takes up until page 72 for us to find out about the whole 'fake hero' backstory. If we knew about this in the beginning, that she was forced by her captain to lie about it, and that she now lives with that burden, she immediately becomes a far more interesting character. Then throughout the script, instead of her just seeming like a cliched eager rookie, you'd have a protag who is carrying round all this emotional baggage & inner conflict, feeling the need to constantly prove herself & come to terms with the lie that she's living.

As for Sean, I just didn't buy the whole 'vampire with a conscience' thing. He's a (presumably) centuries old blood-sucker, who's survived by killing countless people. I liked the fact some way along the line he's decided to target people who he feels deserve to die, but I just didn't believe that after all the murders he's committed he'd be so bothered about Robert's followers committing suicide, or that he'd care so much about Lexi's safety when they're in the club near the beginning. At the end of the day, he's a predator who survives by killing others, and I think that by making him so compassionate, you've weakened his character. I haven't got a suggestion for an easy fix for this, but I think you definitely need to find another way that Robert can get one up on him. Some other kind of leverage that he can use to stop him from leaving town. I also think we need to know more about Sean - as it is we never really learn anything about him. Giving us glimpses into his life or his past may even lead you to find a different weakness that Robert can take advantage of.

Those major problems aside, there was a lot I liked about this - The overall story; Richter's wise cracking cop; Sean absorbing his victim's DNA; The shoot out & battle with Robert at the end (minus Lexi's flashback - sticking that in the middle of this big action sequence really interrupted the flow).

Hopefully this helps with your re-write!

James, surprised how few reads this has received.  My immediate guess would be the title and the fact that you haven't been around lately.  Anyways, good to see you back and great to see that you have a new script completed.

I do plan on reading the whole thing, but for now, I only read the intro and want to stop and provide some thoughts.  You know my style when it comes to feedback, so take it with many grains of salt.

James, if I didn't see your name atached to this, I wouldn't peg you as the writer, as IMO, it's not well written at all.  The other comments all say it is well written, and I wonder if they really, truly mean that, or if they're saying that because they know you are a good writer?  Interesting.

The whole intro just has an odd feel to it.  It reads very clunky.  It reads very passive. The sentence structure is very bland and matter of fact.  I won't go so far to call the writing awkward, but it borders on it at times, for me.

What's worse, though, is that it's not remotely visual, and the reason is the writing itself, and the words you chose to use.

I don't know if "Dr. Armande" comes into play as the script progresses, but I'm struggling to figure out why you chose to call him Dr. Armande, as opposed to "Julien", or Julien Armande.  If you read the intro over, out loud, check out how many times you use "Dr. Armande" and how it stilts the flow.

Dr. Armande does this.  Dr. Armande does that.  Just doesn't read well at all.

The scene itself could be engaging, but based on the way it's written and more importantly, the way it reads, it just comes off rather dull and even cliche.

Even the dialogue doesn't sound natural or beleivable.

And then, all of a sudden, the scene is over, and for me, that's a killer, because this intro needs to ROCK, be a nail biter, a screamer!  It's not as written, and most likely, not even as conceived.  It just needs more "oomph", IMO.

I know this probably comes off pretty harsh, but I'm never going to give you false praise or blow smoke up your arse.  To me, this reads like a very rough, first draft and doesn't seem like it even came from you.

James, I think you know I like your writing and I even like you as a person, so please take my words as they're intended. I do hope this helps and makes sense.

I'll try to read the entire script by this weekend.  Take care, bro!

Huge thanks for the reads, all.

Per the title, it would be scrapped by any producer but, to me, it emboddies what this is about. Lexi was forced into a lie and comes clean at the end. Only to delete Richter's confession off her laptop and cover up another. Sean's everyday life is trying to make right his wrongs by killing only criminals. An ongoing cycle that never ends.

Simon,

Thanks for the look. I haven't been around much for sure. As per Lexi's character, she needs more work, but I needed someone a bit more normal the audience will hopefully empathize with. I already have a smart-ass cop, a vigilante vampire, and an delusional cult leader. Thanks again.

Thanks for reading, Mark...

Quoted from MarkRenshaw It is Hollywood cliché in some areas but you turn that on its head sometimes, in others you don't.

I'm beginning to hear that a lot about this script. I think I played the "usual" formula a little too close, but I thought that's what you're supposed to do as an amateur screenwriter. If you ever break in, write however you want.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw The Cult leader, the way he gets his followers to agree to commit suicide was great. A lot of people would cut that down and just show the followers committing suicide all over the city, here we see and hear an enigmatic and powerful person persuading them to do it. It makes the suicides much more powerful and real.

Thanks, that's one of my favorite parts.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I’d like to see more of that side, make it a real character driven story about a cursed person who’s literally been through hell on earth for a very long time. This could be a real gritty, gorey horror with it's own voice that stands out amoungst the saturated Vampire genre.

I think that's what most were expecting and that is how I feel about the Sean character. I just didn't want him to be the main character unless it continues as a series. Tried to write more or less an introduction to Sean.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw What doesn't work for me is the scene where Lexi and Sean have this long conversation, including flashbacks during the shoot-out.

I'm beginning to think it was ill-placed. It's necessary, IMO, but could've been delivered better.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw And yet, hear-in lies a problem though. Sean is a mystery that we never really get into. The audience will think he's a standard vampire with a few of the legend rules messed around with just like every other Vampire TV show/movie does, there's so much more to Sean that we just don't get chance to see. Maybe some flashbacks could help but not in the middle of a shoot out.

I know. Everyone wants Sean's backstory. We began writing it in a follow up to So Dark, but funding for the short kind of fell through. Again, here I didn't make him the main character. I like keeping him a mystery for now.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw The ending didn’t really do anything for me either I’m afraid. It was Cliché, nothing different. I knew Robert was going to eat his followers twenty pages before his followers did lol!

Understandable. The whole ending was supposed to take place at one location, hoping to lower budget. It was suggested to me that Lexi receives a mortal wound in the ending battle and Sean turns her. I don't like that idea. That I know people would smell a mile before it happened.

Thanks again, Mark. I really approciate your notes and if I can return the favor just PM me...

Cheers,

James

Steve!

Thanks for the read and I hope things are well. Glad you still remember Willowick, if things fall through on this I'm heading straight back to it.

Quoted from SteveUK I think Lexi is the main problem - she just isn't a strong enough protag. At the beginning, Richter is a far more interesting character and she seems a little overshadowed by him, like he's the protag & she's a support character. I also think the biggest problem with her is that it takes up until page 72 for us to find out about the whole 'fake hero' backstory. If we knew about this in the beginning, that she was forced by her captain to lie about it, and that she now lives with that burden, she immediately becomes a far more interesting character. Then throughout the script, instead of her just seeming like a cliched eager rookie, you'd have a protag who is carrying round all this emotional baggage & inner conflict, feeling the need to constantly prove herself & come to terms with the lie that she's living.

Quite right! I'm working on ways to drop more hints about her backstory throughout the script. Maybe giving her some permanent effects from being in a coma or shot. Maybe she even gets a couple nasty phone calls from the prison medical facility from Igor Velinchik, who thinks she shot him. Problem is, I still need her to tell that story to Sean toward the end. I thought after spilling some blood together in a minor lull in the shootout would be a good time, but I can see how it's a problem.

Quoted from SteveUK As for Sean, I just didn't buy the whole 'vampire with a conscience' thing. He's a (presumably) centuries old blood-sucker, who's survived by killing countless people. I liked the fact some way along the line he's decided to target people who he feels deserve to die, but I just didn't believe that after all the murders he's committed he'd be so bothered about Robert's followers committing suicide, or that he'd care so much about Lexi's safety when they're in the club near the beginning. At the end of the day, he's a predator who survives by killing others, and I think that by making him so compassionate, you've weakened his character. I haven't got a suggestion for an easy fix for this, but I think you definitely need to find another way that Robert can get one up on him. Some other kind of leverage that he can use to stop him from leaving town. I also think we need to know more about Sean - as it is we never really learn anything about him. Giving us glimpses into his life or his past may even lead you to find a different weakness that Robert can take advantage of.

I will disagree about Sean's character a bit here. I do find him a tad compassionate and holding on to his last bit of humanity doing the best he can. His true beef is with God, not humanity. As for his backstory? I'm gonna keep hearing it, I know, but since I really didn't make him the main character here, I think a flashback for him is out of place. If anything, I was thinking about giving him another kill in the middle of the story. Maybe one he struggles with.

I was trying to write a feature for a large audience who probably knows nothing about Sean. The success on Youtube is just a tiny piece of the market I was trying to target with this and that's my fault. I was hoping to create something in the mold of Carice--Hannibal--Buffalo Bill. I think Buffalo Bill(Robert Garner)  kind of stole the show in my story though whereas I wanted the audience to be more intrigued with Sean.

Thanks Again for some great notes, Steve. I only peruse the boards now and again here anymore. I think I saw a new feature from you not too long ago? Hit me up with the title. Got to do some reading to earn my keep around here.

James

Somehow, I missed this.

Is this the feature version of the two short films?

I'll read it after I finish Donny and Floyd.  

Congrats on a new feature!  

Jeff,

My old C-town alumni, hope all is well!

Quoted from Dreamscale James, surprised how few reads this has received.  My immediate guess would be the title and the fact that you haven't been around lately.  Anyways, good to see you back and great to see that you have a new script completed.

My thoughts as well. I haven't been around much. Wasn't surprised to watch this drop straight through the portal into the toilet.

Quoted from Dreamscale The other comments all say it is well written, and I wonder if they really, truly mean that, or if they're saying that because they know you are a good writer?  Interesting.

Don't bring your wrecking ball in here because of what others said. You know I think there are several better writers than myself on these boards.

Quoted from Dreamscale And then, all of a sudden, the scene is over, and for me, that's a killer, because this intro needs to ROCK, be a nail biter, a screamer!  It's not as written, and most likely, not even as conceived.  It just needs more "oomph", IMO.

Ha ha. I sent you this intro months ago and you were like. "Great intro, and I don't say that often."--

Quoted from Dreamscale James, I think you know I like your writing and I even like you as a person, so please take my words as they're intended. I do hope this helps and makes sense.

Don't worry about hurting my feelings, Jeff. I take the good and the bad with your notes and you know we often agree to disagree. I'm completely cool with it all.

Thanks again, bro.

Cheers, James

Quoted from Grandma Bear Somehow, I missed this. Is this the feature version of the two short films? I'll read it after I finish Donny and Floyd.   Congrats on a new feature!

Hi Pia!

Thanks for the congrats. This was written as a prequel to the two short films. Thanks for any notes in advance!

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Ha ha. I sent you this intro months ago and you were like. "Great intro, and I don't say that often."--

You did?  When?  I said I liked it?  Was it the exact same intro?

Interesting...

Yo Cleveland!  Just saw this and will check it out.

Surprised you haven't written a fantasy script yet in which the Browns make the playoffs. I guess Hollywood doesn't deal in impossibilities....lol



Have read the first 12 and I'm liking it. Didn't have any issues with Dr Armande being referred to by that name all the time - I would do the same. If he was a school teacher, he would be Mr Armande, so no biggie.  Although if he was a major char, I guess 90 pages of it might get tiring, lol

And not sure about the phone convo being designated VO.  I either use (on phone) or even O.S. Maybe Jeff can shed some Arizona light on that, lol.

Will keep reading!

Quoted from stevie And not sure about the phone convo being designated VO.  I either use (on phone) or even O.S. Maybe Jeff can shed some Arizona light on that, lol.

V.O. is correct for phone conversation coming from someone not onscreen.

The Arizona light has been shed - LOL!!!

Hey Stevie,

Thanks for giving this a shot.

Quoted from stevie And not sure about the phone convo being designated VO.  I either use (on phone) or even O.S. Maybe Jeff can shed some Arizona light on that, lol. Will keep reading!

And Jeff has spoken and I agree. I've seen it done both ways. I only use O.S. when someone is physically there, but you can't see them on screen as they speak. But I've seen this debated over.. and over... and over... Lol

James

Yeah all good.

Personally, VO to me is only used when a char is like a narrator? I use wrylies for phone convo -

                                         JEFF
                                    (on phone)

                            Yo James. I'm coming to Cleveland next week. Can you hook me
                            up with some trannies?

                                          JAMES
                                       (on phone)
                             Sorry bro. They'll all be at my family reunion in Phoenix.

Maybe you could just do the on phone thing once to establish it. Whatever tickles thy fancy I guess lol

                                          
        
        

Hey James, I get where you're coming from with regards to Sean, especially the part about him needing  to hold on to his last bit of humanity. I just didn't believe that he'd be willing to put himself in such a position of weakness with Robert just to stop his crazy cult members from killing themselves.

I see you mentioned the possibility of Sean having another kill that he struggles with. What if he killed someone deserving, but then discovered that the victim had a small child or baby there that he was unaware of? He could then take the child and leave it outside a hospital or children's home to be taken care of. Then, wracked by the guilt of orphaning the child, he could check in on it, maybe leaving some kind of toy or present. One of Robert's goons could be tracking Sean and see this. Robert could then abduct the child, thus giving him the leverage he needs to draw Sean to him. Just an idea!

I did have a feature as part of the 1+6 week challenge, but it has since been optioned & taken down. I am hoping to get a new script (Cold Fear) up in the next few weeks though.

James, I've read to page 28.

I was really into this! The police procedure stuff was well done and it was moving along nicely.

But when Lexi goes to the nightclub and Sean turns up, it seemed to change too quickly. Next minute we find out that Robert is this cult type leader and he wants immortality. It became an entirely different and reading experience for me. I know This is a kind of prequel with Sean in it but I really liked the buildup with the police work and stuff.

Look  I will keep at it and see how it goes. The change seems to be very abrupt and takes it all down a new path


A couple of points about your formatting - any numbers mentioned in dialogue should be written out as words. You did it in one bit but not in a couple of others, no biggie though. And also, you seem to be having trouble with the char names. Willard Radke should just be RADKE not his full name as it reads odd.  Also you have the medical guy Tim Carswell as TIM, which reads awkward to, especially as he is only a minor char (unless he turns up later, lol).

Anyway, I'll keep on it and get back to you, bro!

Stevie,

No need to continue on if I lost ya. I wanted a very hard turn at the page 25 marker. As per your numbers remark, I only write out less than ten and then use numbers for amounts larger than. I swear I read that in Enlglish class somewhere. Then again, I failed most of those classes.

SteveUK,

Another great suggestion. Thanks. I might be prone to use it if and when I make Sean the main character. As it sits, I think what I did may be a tad unbelievable, but cinematic. A cult leader preaching as his followers take their place for suicide. I think that would be such a great visual transition into the third act. The audience will have to suspend some logic, but I think on screen it would work.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Stevie, No need to continue on if I lost ya. I wanted a very hard turn at the page 25 marker. As per your numbers remark, I only write out less than ten and then use numbers for amounts larger than. I swear I read that in Enlglish class somewhere. Then again, I failed most of those classes. SteveUK, Another great suggestion. Thanks. I might be prone to use it if and when I make Sean the main character. As it sits, I think what I did may be a tad unbelievable, but cinematic. A cult leader preaching as his followers take their place for suicide. I think that would be such a great visual transition into the third act. The audience will have to suspend some logic, but I think on screen it would work. James

Cheers bro. I will finish it!

Quoted from jwent6688 This was written as a prequel to the two short films I've been lucky enough to have made by some great film makers. I wanted it to be a stand alone story, but somewhere along the way I've missed my mark. Just tossing it on here for some notes, looks like I have a page 1 rewrite on my hands. James

As a fan of "So Pretty" and "So Dark" I'm curious as to how you missed the mark.  What exactly did the production company say about this script?

Quoted from NickSedario As a fan of "So Pretty" and "So Dark" I'm curious as to how you missed the mark.  What exactly did the production company say about this script?

No production company. Just the director. First off it would probably cost $1mil to film. Double the intended budget. Second, The Sean character takes a major backseat in this story, which wouldn't be so bad if my main character was more charismatic. I'm working on polishing this story and then starting over with a version that features Sean as the protagonist. Kind of an anti-hero you can cheer for. Easier said than done.

James

It'd be interesting to backtrack and write part of it about Sean's previous life, pre-vampire.  (If you haven't explored that option already)  

Providing he's not 1,000's of years old as that would make it a period peice and up the production budget.

Just a thought.

Quoted from jwent6688 No production company. Just the director. First off it would probably cost $1mil to film. Double the intended budget. Second, The Sean character takes a major backseat in this story, which wouldn't be so bad if my main character was more charismatic. I'm working on polishing this story and then starting over with a version that features Sean as the protagonist. Kind of an anti-hero you can cheer for. Easier said than done.

Sorry to hear the director wasn't keen on this version. But! There is relief in sight. This is where SS is more valuable than any other site IMO.  

Lets get a discussion going here on how we can help offer up suggestions to make this into what the director wants!

I've read up to page 30 so far. I'm not taking notes, but I will be able to discuss the script when finished. I can see where you might have gone wrong already. Let's start discussions people!!!

PS: I'll be honest with you, I hate the new title. It doesn't do anything for me. Maybe that can be discussed too?  

Thanks, Pia.

As for the title, it's definitely getting the ax, but I needed to call it something for now. I've already gotten good notes from Bert and Ryan on this. I have some good time off during the holiday to revisit this and plan to.

Silverback,

I agree Sean's backstory is intriguing. I wrote it this way because I was targeting a larger audience who's most likely not familiar with the two shorts we already have. I wanted people who know nothing about the Sean character to be able to enjoy this story without having to know anything about the stories already told.

I would prefer this to continue on as a series, but we need someone with a big fat checkbook to show up first.

James

Title suggestion - "You Reap What You Sow"

Having Sean's backstory, pre-vampire, might help the audience identify and understand him better and I do feel having him as a dark protagonist would be a very interesting way forward, but very difficult to write.

You could even include the events of So Pretty, So Dark in the feature to keep the costs down as they are already 'in the can' so to speak.

Jay, giving this a read. Since you told me the producer or director wasn’t crazy about this one, I will comment a little different than I normally do. I will try to see where you possibly went wrong and also what you can do to lower the budget. I told you, I’m the Queen of low budgets.  

I finished this and I have some thoughts in general. I think, over all that you did an okay job, but I can also see where you IMHO went a little off course. But I’m nobody so take my comments with a heapful of salt.

I read and watched the two short films as you know. In my opinion, this prequel did not follow in the same tone or spirit as those two shorts. Sean needs to be a much bigger part of this story than he currently is. We barely see him at all and when we do, he’s not a memorable character at all. He does nothing interesting. We want to see a vampire do vampire stuff! I can understand you want him to have a conscience, my character, Drake, in Arterial Motives is a doctor who by mistake turns himself into a vampire. He struggles all the time with his conscience and the monster he has created, but he’s still a vampire so he does what vampires do to survive. We don’t really get to see Sean do anything. That was a big miss for me. Sean is like Dexter. He kills, but he only kills “bad” people. If you watch Dexter ask yourself what that show would be like if we hardly ever got to see him and what he does. If you were to rewrite this, I would suggest to make this a story about Sean and Lexi.

I had a similar issue with Lexi. Until she finds out about Richter and the records, she’s playing second banana to him. She should be our protag, our hero. She needs to drive the story, but for half of this script, it’s Richter. He makes decisions and tells her what to do. That needs to be changed too.

There are also a lot of story items that don’t do much and just confuses or feels forced. I can understand you having Robert in this. It works having a third party that Sean and Lexi both need to fight. However, again, IMHO, the religios congregation plotline, felt cliche and tacked on. It did not feel necessary to the story at all. I never quite figured out what their point was.

Ditto that for the plotline of Richter having had a girlfriend with a daughter that was ill and him giving the records to Sean. That didn’t really work for me. I just simply didn’t buy it. It felt tacked on as well.

I did like Lexi’s struggle with the incident at the mall massacre. That worked well.

Another thing to me was that this felt like a TV show. People talked a lot. The settings in which they had their conversations changed, but that doesn’t necessarily make the scene visually interesting. They are just backdrops. Make the place the scene takes place in have a purpose.

To me, if you are going to rewrite this, obviously listen to the director, but IMO, streamline the storyline. Cut unnecessary plotlines. Let us know how Sean came to be in the first place. Have Sean struggle with his conscience, but make him more dangerous. Make Lexi our hero. Not someone things just happens to. Make Robert more charismatic and more of a threat.

I wish more people would read this script and offer up comments. Your filmmaker guys do a really nice quality job and it would be nice to see this one become a feature. For a better script, we should have a discussion here about this script so it can be the best it can be.

Anyway, following are just thoughts and questions while I was reading.

Page 1.    I like the green paper note on the pole.

                In regards to budget, the townhouse would be expensive unless the filmmaker has access to one for free. So, is the townhouse’s appearance of importance to the story itself? Perhaps there’s a less expensive way of telling us that he is a doctor with money.

Page 3.    Another thing I’ve learned the hard way is that it gets very expensive to shoot outdoors at night. You need a LOT of lights otherwise the background just sort of disappears. It is of course necessary to do EXT/NIGHT scenes some times, but it’s a good thing to limit those to when absolutely needed.

Page 4.    Do investigators wear blue police uniforms? I don’t know, I’m just asking.

Page 5.    Budget again. You have squad cars and an ambulance and a bunch of x-tras (on lookers). See if you can trim that down. Instead of an ambulance you can have a plain white cargo van that says Medical Examiner on the door or something like that. You also have flood lights lighting up the kill scene. I agree that it makes things moodier and would look better, but to cut budget, have Lexi get up a little later so that Richter arrives to the scene when it’s already dawn. That way you don’t need hardly any lights at all.

                An ME in his 20s? I was under the impression this all takes place in a larger city. Seems sort of unlikely the ME would be someone that young.

                You can also tighten your writing some by cutting a little here and there. The ME takes pictures with a camera. No need to mention the camera. What else would he use? We kind of assume that’s what he uses.

Page 7.    Nolan refers to Lexi as detective, but her badge says inspector.

Page 10.  Do they use a medical examiner or a coroner or both? Why not cut down on cast by having Tim the ME call instead of introducing a new character that basically performs the same duties as the ME? Cost cutting again.  

After the first ten pages, I think things are moving along well. You have peaked my interest with the story. Good set-up and intro of main characters.

Page 20.  Lexington Club. Try to think of another name since her name is Lexi. Unless of course there’s a connection.

I’m now on page 20. I feel the last ten pages were less interesting than the previous ten. Why? Let’s see if I can figure out why. We start out with a two page phone conversations. Phone conversations are never interesting to watch. Necessary sometimes, but never fun to watch, regardless. This is followed by a one page squabble between Richter and Robert. Problem is, it doesn’t seem to be relevant to the current story or move the story forward. It appears to be just that, a squabble. A short piece with Lexi and Richter talking followed by another phone conversation. After this, Lexi moves on to speak with Radke. Lots of dialogue and some exposition. Not bad, but it’s still mostly a conversation. Sure, we learn a lot, but visually there’s not much of interest going on. After the cottage scene, Lexi has another conversation with Richter. This one is in a bar. Again, we need to see something interesting too. If we’re supposed to be intrigued enough by talking then the dialogue has to be amazing. I think the guy you want to like your script is the director, right? Remember, they tend to look at stuff how it will look on film. Just because this takes place at a cottage with a pond, does not make the film exciting to watch. IMO at least. Try to see if you can show us Lexi finding some of these things out rather than have someone tell her.

Also, at this point,my thoughts are that this does feel like a crime drama. Is that what you were after? After having seen and read the shorts, I would have thought of them more as thrillers. If it’s drama you’re after, then fine. If it’s a thriller you want, you need to make things a little more intriguing and exciting, IMHO. I’m no expert, you know this. I’m just trying to help you figure out why they weren’t crazy about this script.

Page 21.  I like the vampire rave. I had a Vampire Ball in my Arterial Motives sequel. Interesting to watch the different people and such, so good job on that scenery. A word of caution though. This is another place where the budget easily takes a hit. Think hard if this scene at this place warrants the setting. I like it, but it would probably cost a bit to arrange the place and then have enough extras to fill it to make a party. Not to mention vampire costumes. Unless they know a bunch of people willing to get dressed up and party for free.

                 I like Karl searching for bodies with cooler temperatures.

Just a question here. What is Lexi wearing? When we first meet her, she’s dressed in police blues. If she’s still wearing that, she would really stick out here. Did I miss something?

Page 22.  Typo in SERGEI’s name in his introduction.

Page 25.  IMO, since Sean tells Robert he knows all about him, it would work better if Sean tells us about Robert instead of Robert informing us.

Page 26.  I don’t know about Robert’s speech there at the top of the page. He says he strips his followers of their materialistic lives and give them something to have faith in, only to end his speech saying they only follow him because he pays them very well. Now that doesn’t make sense at all, if you ask me.

On page 30. I enjoyed the Lexington Club and what went down. My only gripe here is that Sean seemed weak. Isn’t this really supposed to be about Sean and Lexi? IMO, Robert and what happens with him took up all the main parts. Lexi was almost not even present and like I said, Sean seemed weak. Maybe make it less about Robert and his “flock” and more about Sean and Lexi.

Page 33.    Lots of talking heads in these last few pages…

Page 36.    Just a budget related question. Is it necessary that it rains hard?

Page 37.    I thought Nathalia had all her teeth knocked out, yet she seems to be able to speak just fine.

Currently on page 40. My thoughts here are that I wish we could see more of Sean. This isn’t his story at all so far. It’s more about Lexi and Robert too. I want to see the vampire do vampire stuff. Even if he only kills people who deserve it. I want to see it.

Page 40.    Duplicate lines about the paper being tossed onto the lawn.

                  Also, there’s a lot you can trim here. Look at how you describe Lexi getting out of her house getting the paper.     She walks out of her house. Down the steps of her porch. She walks to the edge of her lawn. She picks up the plastic wrapped paper. That’s a lot of unnecessary descriptions there.

Page 41.    Typo. Tattoo

Page 42.    I’m surprised the mailman didn’t go for her gun in the living room.

                  Also, not sure what it would cost to replace the door frame. Not a biggie, just something to keep in mind for lower budgets.

Page 43.    Lexi is kind of a feisty woman. I had a hard time believing she would just sit there quietly while Richter and the paramedic talks about her as if she was a child.

Page 45.    Why does Richter say he’ll grab her stuff from her house? They are already in her house.

                   You’ve already describe the couch being threadbare. No need to do it again.  

Page 46.    IMHO, I think it would work better if the mailman tries to hide the tattoo and Robert has to demand him burning it off. Something that would have a little more conflict. Right now, the mailman suggests to Robert that Lexi might have seen his tattoo and got suspicious. It’s a little too easy.

                  TATTOO

                  Any way  not anyway

Page 49.    I think Richter talks to Lexi like a child again. She is our hero, right? She should make things happen, not Richter. Right now, IMHO of course, Lexi is too weak a character to be our protag.

On page 50 now. I’m still feeling that Robert is taking over the show here. I would prefer to see more vampire stuff with Sean. Robert doesn’t really do much for me. This church business with the followers seem to not fit in with the atmosphere of vampires and a female detective hunting them. As mentioned earlier, I also don’t like that Richter seems to be taking over for Lexi.

Page 53.   I don’t really see where this religion stuff fits in. Maybe it’s necessary for the story and I will find out later, but right now, I would say you can get rid of it and it would not hurt the story.

Page 54.   The montage of congregation members killing themselves felt unnecessary. Almost like filler.

Page 55.   Exciting stuff here and I’m glad to see Lexi stepping up and making something happen. Taking charge.

Page 59.   Breaths  

Page 61.   Robert  hangs up the phone?

Page 71.   Lexi gets hit twice with a shotgun blast. One in her vest and one in her leg. Wouldn’t the pellets spread over a large area? Maybe change weapon?

                 What killed the civilian?

Page 72.   Lexi’s secret is a good one.

Page 82.   The further along I get, the more I’m convinced that this congregation stuff is not working. At least not for me.

Finished. Did Lexi get fired?

Pia,

Thanks for the read and detailed notes. Is entirely my fault that Sean is not in this more. I thought it would be smart to tell a story to an audience who's not familiar with Sean. That they wouldn't need to know about the short films to get it.

AS for Robert, I was trying to make Sean a middle man between good and Evil, which is Lexi and Robert. I thought some of it worked and some didn't. Robert seeking immortality from Sean was a solid motive, but I need to work on him more.

Lexi definitely needs to be more defined. I'm working on that. I like that she's in a tad over her head and means well, while her partner is a pretty cool cat she's trying to keep up with.

As for budget, I was thinking $1mil when I wrote this... well that's not going to happen unless a studio steps in. I probably need to get it around $100k range to be realistic. Probably a total rewrite at that point.

This was a rough draft, I am going to rewrite this version and maybe send it into some contests. I didn't even waste money for coverage on this yet. I heard what I needed to right here.

Quoted from AngryBear What is Lexi wearing? When we first meet her, she’s dressed in police blues. If she’s still wearing that, she would really stick out here. Did I miss something?

Yes, in the beginning she reaches past her police blues and grabs a pants suit from the closet. Was just trying to show she was recently a patrol officer. Not anymore.

Also, as for investigator on her badge, I watch a lot of reality crime shows like the Next 48. I've seen some detective's badge say that, but it's probably just confusing here.

Quoted from AngryBear Page 26.  I don’t know about Robert’s speech there at the top of the page. He says he strips his followers of their materialistic lives and give them something to have faith in, only to end his speech saying they only follow him because he pays them very well. Now that doesn’t make sense at all, if you ask me.

The thugs like Sergei and Anton follow him because he pays them. His "children" back at the compound truly believe in him.

Quoted from AngryBear Page 71.   Lexi gets hit twice with a shotgun blast. One in her vest and one in her leg. Wouldn’t the pellets spread over a large area? Maybe change weapon?                  What killed the civilian?

I like the violence of a shotgun, but maybe I should change it. We have to hunt with shotguns up here, no high powered rifles. A buckshot only contains a few large balls and doesn't spread as wide. Then there's a shotgun slug which is one metal projectile.

The civilian was already wounded. Later died of his/her wounds. I didn't want to go over into detail, but that's what I was thinking.

Lexi quit her job and came clean about her lie. Kind of her repentance, then she begins another lie by hiding what Richter had done when she deletes that video.

Thanks again for the read Pia. Especially on the typos. Thought I had this pretty clean, dammit. If ever I can return the favor, you know how to find me.

James

Glad some of my comments were helpful.

What's up with the 3rd installment doing a crowd funding campaign? Is that instead of the feature? Are you the writer still? Let me know. If you're still the writer I might contribute, even if not a large amount. If not....

Good luck, and if there's anything else you want to discuss or brainstorm, just let me know. I do believe in this project.

We were all gung ho about a follow up several months ago. I wrote a few drafts then handed it off to another writer to finish while I worked on the feature. Then the funding fell through.

Al's been recently talking to investors and thinks he can drum up the dough, so we're moving forward. Our old versions needed changed because we lost the main location we were planning on filming at. So the story has changed. That's what I'm working on right now. So yes, I'm writing it. Wish us luck!

James

Cool beans, James.  Good luck with the funding.

I decided to re-write my own script, save up the cashola and film it my self.

I'll probably try and write some ultra cheap stuff and sell it in between... if I can.

Haha, I even signed up for Kickstarter.com... see where that goes.

Best of luck, James.


--Steve