Evil Awaits by Joe Faust - Drama, Crime - An innocent man wanders into a nightmare of murder and bigotry. Threatened by ignorance, deceived by friendship, he fights for his life in a world that he doesn't understand. Escape has a price he may be sorry he paid.  122 pages - pdf, format

Evening Joe,

We can't see that it's Prosperity when you fade in because there's no super or text over image.

That's an easy fix. Just write EXT. STREET - NIGHT then SUPER: Prosperity, Arizona.

Some quickies on your opening description:

A gust of wind blows down the dark, deserted, main street of the old
town.
Carried on the breeze, a piece of newspaper slowly tumbles past the time
worn buildings lining the narrow street. The paper comes to rest against
a steel post.
At the top of the post, blinks a small neon sign that reads: PROSPERITY
MOTEL, VACANCY.
Behind the signpost, a line of small, shabby, cabins run into the
darkness. The cabin drapes are all closed.
The drape of cabin eight parts slightly, then closes.

You can tighten these sentences, for example:

A newspaper drifts through worn buildings and wraps around the base of a neon sign that reads: Prosperity Motel, Vacancy.

The sign flickers against shabby cabins that run into darkness. The drape of cabin eight parts slightly before slapping back against the window sill.

After more stuff inside the cabin (which also needs to be tightened), you don't introduce anyone. You don't necessarily need to introduce anyone in the first two pages but the description leading to the inside of the room made me think there would be something more inside than just a male figure.

After the motel stuff you say BLACK OUT. Just write FADE OUT or simply start the next scene.

Once we get to the next scene you write CREDITS ROLL. That's fine with me. I write to direct, but if you're trying to sell this you gotta keep those kinds of terms out of your rag.

Hope this isn't coming off as an attack on your ability, I'm not giving notes from a Lazy Boy and I definitely saw sketchy streets and sketchy rooms and darkness. There's definitely a mood.

When you introduce Simon it feels inconsequential. There's a Native American guy who's running out of gas. You could open the story with this, we'd see place with the highway sign and maybe time with an older model pick up. Not sure what time frame you're going for. Feels like yesteryear though. By opening the story with Simon we'd know that he's of at least some importance, but by the end of the motel stuff it didn't feel that way. If that was him you wrote as the male figure then just introduce him in the motel.

You end page two with Ray walking into the office and after the slugline on page 3 you repeat the fact that he's walking into the office. Once Ray and Martha start talking it feels like a western, which is great, westerns are awesome, but the script was posted as a crime drama. If you're going for backwoods small town there needs to be a modern sense to the dialog.

Looking forward,

Jack

Again, not being harsh just honest:

An innocent man wanders into a nightmare of murder and bigotry, barely escaping with his life.

VS.

An innocent man wanders into a nightmare of murder and bigotry. Threatened by ignorance, deceived by friendship, he fights for his life in a world that he doesn't understand. Escape has a price he may be sorry he paid.

In less words, the former will show the reader that you're aiming for character over plot, which is the gist I got from reading your logline.

Also I meant to say once Sam and Martha start talking it feels like a western.

Dear Joe,

I just finished reading your entire screenplay and I must say that I am quite impressed. This was a story that I really enjoyed and am grateful that you uploaded it.

I was really impressed with your ability to develop the setting; I find most people just jump right into dialogue but you develop each scene and work to create an image before the dialogue which is very important.

The town of Prosperity has this very rustic natural sort of feel, but most important that it is somehow removed from modern society so that when a character like Simon goes there the tension really escalates early on and that's because of the time you take to develop the setting.

Simon Horn is also a nicely drawn character. He has depth and I really felt for his struggle. You give us just enough background on him as the story progresses and it's really easy to root for him because this story asks us what we would do if we leave the gas station and our vehicles are gone.

Also, Sam, Mona, Howie, and the Silas Family support the story extremely well. Sam Ford was probably my favorite supporting character because at first I didn't know if I cold trust him but over the course of the screenplay he proved himself to me. You need a character like Sam in a story like this.

You also have a really cool mystery story here. It was very engrossing and for me and the scene in the alleyway where Simon is hiding has quite a bit of tension and has some of your best writing. Also the last 40 pages blew by because I was so interested in finding out what really happened that I couldn't stop reading.

Lastly, you know the "beats" of a screenplay and when they come into the story and I felt you used them pretty effectively. I would suggest working on the midpoint because I think it needs to reflect or negate the ending and is perhaps the most crucial moment in a screenplay after the climax. This story could benefit from something other than Lee and Billy Ray talking about the plan to frame Simon since we already know this plan by that point.

What I think will help improve your screenplay is to really put Simon through the ringer. I don't think he is challenged enough throughout the story and I think he needs to struggle more. Perhaps maybe he falls in love with Mona so that the twist is more heartbreaking. IDK it's your story, but I think Simon needs to get beaten on more. Also perhaps Ray dies too soon. Maybe he needs to cause a little more havoc.

Techinically speaking I think you can sans the inclusion credits; directors will decide if they want credits or not and it also depends on Union requirements so it's not that important for screenwriters. Also I think you should get rid of the beats in the screenplay during dialogue. Those are for shooting scripts and actors and directors will decide when they should be used.

Overall you have a very well written story and I can tell you worked really hard on it. This was an enjoyable read for me and I hope to see it on the big screen one day!

-Tom