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Pretense by Richard Russell - Thriller - To fulfill a contract, a private investigator must revisit the places he swore he would never see again. 90 pages - pdf, format
Too much MAN-ass on the first page turned me way off, sorry bout that.
Not saying you can't write, and it may not be a huge deal at all, but I felt a bit bogged down with your intros on page 1. It was a little confusing for me to picture who was in the room and where.
Richard - I'm jammed right now so only had a chance to get through the first ten.
Loved the opening scene - perfect.
Solid descriptions - I could see everything you intended me too see.
Pace - nice and quick.
Very much like the premise of the story. I did want more in your log line. e.g:
To fulfill a contract, a private investigator must revisit the places he swore he would never see again and...... or, only to discover that...
I was a little confused on Falson - is he a rich, well dressed, first class flying, expensive office, sophisticated guy who talks like your average P.I just for effect OR - he's a guy from the streets who just happened to make a lot of money (i.e., James Bond of Sam Diamond?) - again, I only read ten so maybe it's both.
Much of the dialogue was good. There were some spots for me that it became so brief - staccato like that it ran the risk of sounding like Dragnet. Again - that may be a first ten pages thing.
SO - solid - good job - I sense there is something good here.
I read the whole script and enjoyed it. Great work. Characters are well drawn and there are a number of unexpected turns to events. The writing has good pace and style. Dialogue is convincing. My problem would be with the story and particularly the flitting between locations for sometimes no reason. A few other niggles which I'll detail here but only because the rest is so good.
Just in the first paragraph you have red and white paint to create brown but that would make pink, it's red and green that make brown.
For the opening I think what put Tony off is the emphasis in description "...goes to work on a man's ASS." It doesn't need the capitals but the real problem is that I only knew what was going on once I knew what was going on. The scene is intriguing enough and would make sense at once if the artist asks "You want me to paint a mark on his ass?"
A warning light comes on for me when characters are described as handsome. I would take it out here and leave it for when the Hispanic ATTENDANT notices him, because in that instance it is her opinion and not yours.
The owner of the ass is a middle-aged MAN so it should be Man and not Male that climbs on the Model. Artist, Photographer and Model might be male or female, so I too was unclear who or how many were in the room to begin.
I don't think you need this scene anyway. The story is with the wife in the next scene, and the genesis of the photo can emerge if it needs to. "Take a good look," says Falson, and with the suggestion of blackmail we know he is (or as it turns out is acting) unscrupulous. It's good dialogue and gets things rolling: "Want your husband to stay dead, call me."
The location for this is FAMILY ROOM and there is no other description so it could be anywhere, not even a house. When Falson leaves it is SUBURBAN STREET so even SUBURBAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM would help. It's fine to show Falson operating in his world yet the opening scenes are not related to the main story. He doesn't set anyone else up like this.
Do you want the extra e in Gimmee?
There is a scene with the insurance adjuster, and this is at GINA’S OFFICE with a curious description "could pass for Mexican." This had me picturing her and wondering about that, when it doesn't matter: Gina gets two lines and is gone.
p5 "her heat infects him" is terrific but I think you could leave out "Every man wants this woman" that rings of a writer writing.
p8 Falson flirts with the Attendant (it doesn't say male or female) and parts with "Want to go in my place?" I didn't get this, is he going to Mexico? Last thing Dominica mentioned was San Diego. The next scene heading HOTEL ROOM doesn't help. Where is he flying from, and where is he now?
It should be SAN DIEGO, HOTEL ROOM and SAN DIEGO POLICE STATION for the meeting with Ruiz.
p10 "I ate here all the time when I was in under the flag." This tripped me when I read it, and only made sense as he mentions later about being in the military, and both times it reads like the writer forcing information on the reader.
p11 Typo in the scene heading, and unnecessary description:
INT. GUALALAHARA AIRPORT - DAY
Falson and Needham, carrying small bags, weave through a crowded, hot, sweaty airport, past SECURITY armed with automatic weapons.
You've already got AIRPORT in the scene heading and crowded is implied in the weave. No surprise that Security are armed, and who cares with what?
INT. GUADALAHARA AIRPORT - DAY
Carrying small bags, Falson and Needham weave through SECURITY.
p12 Typo in dialogue. That's a long, empty threat Falson issues to the Thug. We have seen nothing that lets us believe he could break a man's spine, wouldn't it be better to have him demonstrate some deadly skill?
p13 Falson's explanation for LBFM is disgusting to Needham, at a time when you need to build some relationship between them. He could mutter the phrase and leave her to ask later, in which case instead of you spotlighting her butchness she could say "I hear that."
Falson and Needham fly. Again, where? I never heard of Cabo San Lucas. So was Guadalahara a bust? I recall from the logline that Falson will be visiting places he did not want to see again yet apart from some local color, this all seems aimless so far. I would like to see a clear direction: having started local all leads point south until the inevitable crossing of the border. Have an aim and an outcome here before the return, with higher stakes.
p14 "wonderfully toned and young" is great, economical description.
There are alternating scenes where Falson is at the boxing arena, then getting drunk at a restaurant and a hotel, then he is back at the ring on a different day. Next he is in the motel talking with Needham. On what must be his third visit, now with a buzz haircut, Falson takes to the ring. Why not from the start?
p20 There is introduction of NACHO, with talk about 'a long time' not forgotten and 'unpleasantness' that speaks of history between them that will surely be resolved by the end, but after a turn in his casino the character is not referenced again. A similarly colorful PACO gets a scene and a reprise before disposal. If there is to be a backstory it ought to come out here.
p21 Different airplane, same issue: Falson flies first class to where? All this touring about leaves the job he is on unfocused and leisurely. The note from Needham could have some hint of urgency; he passed out before reading it, and those hours - DAWN to DAY in the scene headings - could prove crucial. The way it is, sipping coffee, I don't even care where he's off to. Only because Needham mentioned San Diego in her note, I had to assume it was back to California.
Here again is scene ping pong. He gets the tip at Sledge's house to go see Martinez, where he drives and parks to enter the house and find a body. Straight away he returns to the Sledge bungalow to discover two more. Why did Needham return and what would be different if she [**SPOILER**] got killed at the Martinez house instead?
Now back to Ruiz in what the reader will have to remember is the San Diego police station, is San Diego where these murders took place?
Falson sips coffee (again). This gives an air of unconcern when I expect him to be bent up about the brutal slaying of his associate.
p26 I like "I like what you've done with your hair."
p29 "She was beheaded. I swore that would never happen again." So there is a backstory but coming here like this it just seems bizarre. Dominica doesn't pick up on it.
INT. PLANE - DAY
Falson, first class, flying.
Shall I keep harping on this? It's like a comedy sketch.
pp31-33 If you want to tell us this is Mexico and some weird freaky shit goes down, I don't doubt it but what is this scene of depravity doing in the script? I wondered why Falson went all the way down there for no more than a fruitless visit to the docks, a drink with Gordo and this, before:
INT. PLANE - DAY
Falson flies first class.
He's off again.
p33 It must be a deliberate choice but I can't see why the scene headings have to be spare. EXT. PARK - DAY could easily be LA JOLLA, NEIGHBORHOOD PARK and at the same time save space in description.
Gordo has joined him, was he not flying first class?
p39 If I understand, Falson and Gordo decamp for Mexico yet again to stake out the post office in Cabo San Lucas for five days, before returning to San Diego to confront Sharpshooter. It's pointless. If Falson had left Gordo in Cabo, he could have given him the mission to watch the post office while he went about more important business there in San Diego. A simple phone call would save all that flying.
There are far too many scenes sipping beers and other alcohol. There was a quick alert when Gordo "notes the drink but says nothing" and it wouldn't take a doctor to see there is a drink problem, yet all this bar hopping is only for style. There was some point to him switching to vodka but I didn't get it.
p49 Typo: no question mark.
p50 Yet again:
INT. SAN DIEGO AIRPORT - DAY
Falson limps toward a jetway.
We know where he is, now where is he going? Next scene is FALSON'S OFFICE (wherever that is) and then the wife of his associate CLAUDIA’S HOUSE which surely is nearby but WHERE? Is it east, where they drink vodka?
p51 Typo's: 'and middle' and 'envelopes'
p54 Typo (?) 'this hand'
p57 Typo... [etc.]
p66 Where is Maddy's house? Falson just left the Teen in Columbus, and now has a scene with her at a birthday party. Next scene is INT. PLANE as he reads the file the Teen printed, and then it's arrival at San Diego.
p69 Ruiz tells Falson to pack a raincoat for Vancouver. This time it is deliberate misdirection when his anonymous MOTEL ROOM turns out to be not in Canada but Cabo. I don't know how the movie audience will appreciate that.
p72 Is it really necessary that Falson takes a trip to PV to wind up in an identical warehouse to Paco's he just left?
The denouement seems tacked on to give a splash of action. Carlos and Juan are cut-outs introduced in time to be slaughtered and Diego was unknown to us before page 78. Buzz and Hit were recruited on 70.
The demise of Diego seemed silly, and the ending a let down, but these are hardly criticisms for what is overall a good job. I just tried to make sense of the story when it was dialogue that kept me reading.
So I read and made notes then saw that NW3 did a way better job so use his. I mean right down to which color when mixed makes what.
Logline needs a total re-write.
I think on writing style, you got it down. Dialog is sharp, crisp. Definitely your strong suit here. Ending troubled me. It seemed like you went into talk mode towards the end. Did you rush it a bit?
I'm wondering if this doesn't fall into the category of: is this even a movie? Should it have been filmed in the first place?
What hits me right now is the dialogue. It's all these one liners and it's getting old for me; and Needham and Falson both speak that way. Needham comes off as hesistant, but her dialogue doesn't seem to fulfill that role. It's like something from the 50's maybe? Bogeyish? Anyway, seems a few more words in a dialogue line would help, like a personal pronoun or two.
She was beheaded. I swore that would never happen again. Tell me what you know about Cabo!
Say what?
INT. PLANE - DAY Falson, first class, flying
Goes without saying he's flying.
INT. CABO MOTEL ROOM - DAY
Same motel room as earlier. Falson unpacks.
A KNOCK.
Falson answers,
I would think Falson would be more cautious now.
Shade has shifted to opposite side of the street. In shade, Gordo watches the door being locked.
So here I think Shade is a character? My problem? Writing issue.
FALSON The police found her head on the mantle-after they shot dad. He put up a fight.
Too close, I think, for one lifetime. But, hey, this is the movies.
Stamped on the folder tab. NEW LINE WITH COLON TO:
INFO QUEST. COLUMBUS, OHIO
RUIZ Vancouver.
When I saw it I wondered if that photo would come into play. Nice. No wasted images
Two scripts in two days I read cover to cover.
This is a good mystery and I'm trying to figure out why the ending doesn't work for me. I think this is why: Falson has two dead heads on his heart and in the end there is no justice. So it makes Falson not the guy I thought he is or at least who he was going to be. As soon as he is all about the money he is lost, like every other criminal in this story. That sucks because i was rooting for him, well, who I thought he was.
By and large this was an enjoyable and fast read. The movie played vividly in my head and overall I must say I liked. BUT (yeah there's almost always a "but") there were some issues that nagged me.
Note: Generally I'm not going to quibble with grammatical/format errors unless I felt they were particularly glaring -- NW3 already did an excellent job covering that department.
**SPOILERS AHEAD**
ACT I: In my opinion this was well done other than the snafus on the 1st page.
Note that more often than not, such a glaring error [red + white paint = brown] in your introductory sentence would condemn your script to the garbage heap as far as a professional reader is concerned.
Anyway back to ACT I.
You expertly revealed the Setup by introducing:
The main character(s) and their everyday life before the Inciting Incident.
The Inciting Incident was the assignment of the case to Falson by Dominica Bane.
Nice touch by the way, making Falson at first refuse to accept the case on principle but then reluctantly concede under the weight of Dominica’s sweltering sexuality.
You did a good job of revealing Falson’s character. Before ACT I is up we know amongst other things that he’s a guy who doesn’t gamble and takes nothing stronger than the occasional beer.
As we progress through the remainder of ACT I you deftly reveal Falson into the man he used to be by letting him devolve into that man once again.
Falson of yesteryear is a very different creature from the man of today but it is readily apparent with the ease and comfort with which he slips into his old skin that this is an aspect of his life that he missed.
ACT I ends approximately on page 25 with the death of Falson’s colleague.
This raises the stakes. Falson may have been reluctant to pursue this assignment beforehand but now he must...Revenge dictates it so!
So we head into ACT II, the proverbial trough of hell, where many a screenplay has suffered an untimely and ignominious death.
As NW3 pointed out, there is way too much SCENE FLITTING here and unnecessary guzzling of alcohol in one bar after the other.
And as for the constant jet setting...
...it reminds me of those comedy/satire movies where the protagonist flits from one scene to the next sandwiched between a uniform scene (in this case flying) that is invariably accompanied by a “whoooosh kapow” audio snippet as one scene is forced off the screen by the next.
We have some good twists and turns in ACT II that keep the action flowing. But we also have some questionable choices (many of which NW3 touched on so I won’t bother reiterating on those).
Which brings me to the issue of the character SHARPSHOOTER.
Didn’t make sense to me at all! Sharpshooter’s skills play no role in this movie whatsoever, so why introduce the character as a sharpshooter as opposed to just some ole geezer getting some extra mullah for acting as a middle man.
And why does Falson remark on page 39...
Quoted Text
FALSON Sharpshooter, damn…
As if it is of any significance? Anyway let’s move along.
I couldn’t help but notice that your writing got somewhat sloppy in the first half of ACT II. To wit:
Quoted Text
Page 36 – EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS Skater rolls the sidewalk, damn fetching.
HUH? What the heck does that mean?
Quoted Text
Page 37 -- Falson jogs, and his recent dissipation pains him. (We cannot know this…show don’t tell.) Skater takes a fork and glides on. Falson lugs. How did he get out of shape so fast? A child on a bike intercepts Falson.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS Skater leaves park and rolls the sidewalk.
This portion of your script is riddled with terrible English!
If a professionally reader reviewing your script had gotten this far I’m certain that these latest set of typos and grammatical errors would be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
In other words they’d happily toss your script into the garbage pile. Your story is good but not THAT GOOD that it could deflect a litany of glaring grammatical errors.
Here is another one:
Quoted Text
Page 70 -- EXT. ROAD - DAY A car rolls a hot, lonely highway.
Yeah I know I said I wouldn’t get into grammar, punctuation, formatting errors and the like, but as I mentioned earlier if I felt the transgressions bordered on egregious then bring them up I would.
Okay, looks like I will have to finish this comment/review at a later date…it has become rather lengthy. Criticisms aside, I liked this script.
It was a fast read (took 2 hrs to read) which is always a good sign and the screenplay conjured a movie in my mind’s eye that I can still picture.
It's not even bold like a word like LIE. It's soft. Hit the Thesaurus and come up with some stronger words, like DECEPTION, FALSE, FALSEHOOD etc.
The log-line is weak, as well. Not terrible. There's something intriguing in there, but we need to hear slightly more about WHY he doesn't want to go there, imo.
I haven't read the script, but something like:
"To fulfill a contract, a private investigator must return to places he swore he'd never revisit and risk revealing secrets from his own, dark past".
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