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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Hell to Pay Moderators: bert
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  Author    Hell to Pay  (currently 4375 views)
TimC
Posted: August 29th, 2016, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankH


Get back with more feedback in a few days.

Good work so far.

Frank


Thanks so much Frank. Grateful of the feedback.

This is my first script also, so no doubt some items can be improved over subsequent version(s).

Very keen to hear further feedback from you - also keen to repay in kind and have a read of yours if you can point me in the right direction.

Cheers, Tim.


My screenplays:

Hell To Pay (thriller)

Killer Crocs (working title / work in progress)
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FrankH
Posted: August 31st, 2016, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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Tim,

I got some time this weekend, hopefully I can finish it.

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT DRAMA:
Imaginary Friend
Sleepwalking

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
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FrankH
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tim,

Finished reading your script.
Focused more on story, flow and dialogue. Nit-picking I did in my previous review.

Parts of the script I liked, but overall, it didn't quite work for me.
Mike in hell at p.40, maybe a little late and the major reveal happens at p.60. The early reveal took the edge away from the script too soon, IMO.
Some repeated scenes from the reveal to the end of the script.  

SPOILERS:
Not sure if I understand the connection to the story with the surprise at the end, Sally and unborn shot by Mike.

Mike's confession might be okay, but maybe holding back on some of the details, make it more general, don't think Mike would expose all those details to Father Blake.

I wouldn't use "etc.' in a script.
I would put Latin as parenthetical and write the dialogue in English.
Not sure if diving into dialogue after a slug is correct, some action needed before dialogue.
To show that time has lapsed, just use a mini slug like LATER (assuming same location).

Some of the dialogue was good (Mike and Ryker), some on the nose. Maybe cut back on some of the big blocks of dialogue, overly exposed.
Overwritten at times (ex: instead of "he nods in understanding" -- "he nods").

Congrats on writing a feature.
Good luck with your script.

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT DRAMA:
Imaginary Friend
Sleepwalking

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
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TimC
Posted: September 5th, 2016, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankH


Congrats on writing a feature.
Good luck with your script.

Frank


Thanks a bunch for finishing and providing overall feedback. Bummer it wasn't quite to your tastes.

Re: the ending sequence of West killing his wife and unborn child, this is merely a representation of his ongoing suffering in his own version of Hell; i.e. he's being punished for being a prick whilst alive.

Again, thanks for taking the time to read and the feedback.

Cheers, Tim.


My screenplays:

Hell To Pay (thriller)

Killer Crocs (working title / work in progress)
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TimC
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hi all...

just bumping this back up as:

1) the script has had a re-work (now version 3)
2) the title has changed from "Hell" to "Hell To Pay"
3) a synopsis is also included

Thanks Don for jumping onto this so quickly!

Tim.


My screenplays:

Hell To Pay (thriller)

Killer Crocs (working title / work in progress)

Revision History (1 edits)
TimC  -  July 28th, 2017, 9:29pm
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