SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 3:12am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Hit - optioned Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Hit - optioned  (currently 4216 views)
Don
Posted: April 8th, 2018, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Hit by PH Cook - Thriller - A financially desperate bank teller seduced by a thief to help him rob the bank must hunt down his gang for her share of the loot when they screw her over. 105 pages

production: A female lead heist thriller with a happy ending. Indie budget.
contest: Coverage with "CONSIDERs" available upon request. - pdf, format



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 27th, 2019, 3:59pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Grandma Bear
Posted: April 8th, 2018, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
Thanks for posting this, Don.

This is a script I wrote about 2.5 years ago. I posted it on InkTip and I was sooooo excited when Mind's Eye optioned it. I was so excited I signed the contract for two years... Big mistake! I had several people approach me about this script, but due to that option that I was sure would lead to another produced feature film, I had to turn them down. This past January, the option ran out and the script was now back in my hands. I posted it again at inktip and absolutely no one was interested this time. I will never again option a script for a dollar and absolutely no way for two f'n years.

I believe this script is in pretty good shape. I have no desire to re-write it, however, if anyone has any better ideas for a logline, I'm all ears.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 33
Mr. Blonde
Posted: April 9th, 2018, 7:03am Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57
Ah, Pia, you finally got to post it up. I'll take a peek sometime this week. =)


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 33
eldave1
Posted: April 9th, 2018, 10:48am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Grandma Bear
Thanks for posting this, Don.

This is a script I wrote about 2.5 years ago. I posted it on InkTip and I was sooooo excited when Mind's Eye optioned it. I was so excited I signed the contract for two years... Big mistake! I had several people approach me about this script, but due to that option that I was sure would lead to another produced feature film, I had to turn them down. This past January, the option ran out and the script was now back in my hands. I posted it again at inktip and absolutely no one was interested this time. I will never again option a script for a dollar and absolutely no way for two f'n years.

I believe this script is in pretty good shape. I have no desire to re-write it, however, if anyone has any better ideas for a logline, I'm all ears.  


No free options on features for sure and no two years. Learned my lesson the hard way as well on $1 option (they can be sooooo convincing with their BS).  I'm guessing we all go through that ringer as a rite of passage.

On your log line - seems relatively solid as is:

- What wasn't quite clear was - Is she sexually seduced vs. seduced by the promise of wealth?

- Teller may be a better term then Clerk

- May want to use term thief rather than bank robber to avoid the redundancy of bank

My suggestions.

A financially desperate bank teller seduced by a thief to help him rob the bank must hunt down his gang for her share of the loot when they screw her over.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 33
Grandma Bear
Posted: April 9th, 2018, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
Sean, you're welcome to read it, but I'm so done with this script. I'm not going to spend any more time on re-writes. This reminds me though, I did start reading yours. I think I read about 1/3. I've just been super busy lately. I haven't had much time for anything lately.  

Thanks Dave! The logline has been changed. I really really suck at those. I wish I didn't.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 33
eldave1
Posted: April 9th, 2018, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
No problem


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 33
Mr.Ripley
Posted: April 9th, 2018, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1979
Posts Per Day
0.31
Hey Pia

Sorry to hear about it. It comes with the business.

Regarding the loggline, is it necessary to have the “seduced by a thief to help him rob the bank” part? It’s kind of implied that she was involved and got screwed over. The how should be left for the reader to find out.

I think it reads smoother without it: a financially desperate teller must hunt the gang for her share of the loot when they screw her over.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 33
LC
Posted: April 9th, 2018, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7582
Posts Per Day
1.34
Pia, I'm reading this for the craic - very entertaining and we'll written so far...

The logline could do with a revamp imh.

Suggestions so far not bad.

... I'd steer away from a colloquialism like 'screw over' in place of a more sophisticated term like : exploit or swindle, cheat or betray.

P.S. Isn't she assistant manager, not a teller? A generic way would be to call her a bank employee.

I'll have a ponder when I'm finished reading.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  April 10th, 2018, 9:57pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 33
Grandma Bear
Posted: April 10th, 2018, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36

Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey Pia

Sorry to hear about it. It comes with the business.

Regarding the loggline, is it necessary to have the “seduced by a thief to help him rob the bank” part? It’s kind of implied that she was involved and got screwed over. The how should be left for the reader to find out.

I think it reads smoother without it: a financially desperate teller must hunt the gang for her share of the loot when they screw her over.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Ha, what do you know! I thought I had the logline down, but I should have known the SS crowd would be the best to turn to!  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 33
Grandma Bear
Posted: April 10th, 2018, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36

Quoted from LC
Pia, I'm reading this for the craic - very entertaining and we'll written so far...

The logline could do with a revamp imh.

In Gabe's suggestion however, it would be 'a'  bank in the context it's written and I'd steer away from a colloquialism like 'screw over' in place of a more sophisticated term like : exploit or swindle, cheat or betray.

P.S. Isn't she assistant manager, not a teller? A generic way would be to call her a bank employee.

Libby, cheers for your thoughts! You are absolutely correct. She's the bank branch manager. Love your suggestions for alternate words. Absolutely sounds better! I think after a few more thinks about this, I'll have a better one. Like I said, I totally suck at loglines and admire people who can write them. After all, that's the first thing people see.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 33
LC
Posted: April 10th, 2018, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7582
Posts Per Day
1.34
Gabe's spot on with omitting that first bit of the logline. I didn't read that first bit right, with the 'a bank/the bank'. Disregard my comment there. No need to reply.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 33
Mr.Ripley
Posted: April 11th, 2018, 8:59am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1979
Posts Per Day
0.31
Hey Pia

We’re a writing family. Often dysfunctional but still a family lol.

Sometimes it’s a hit or miss with the logline. I just got lucky.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 33
Grandma Bear
Posted: April 12th, 2018, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
Thanks Gabe! I'll keep it as is for now, just because it gives a little more info. I don't expect anything to happen with this anymore. It's dead in the water.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 33
Mr. Blonde
Posted: April 13th, 2018, 9:07am Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57

Quoted from Grandma Bear
Thanks Gabe! I'll keep it as is for now, just because it gives a little more info. I don't expect anything to happen with this anymore. It's dead in the water.  


Pia, what's with this negative Nelly bullshit? Come on, get motivated. Something good will happen with it. =)


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 33
Grandma Bear
Posted: April 15th, 2018, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
Not breaking out any champagne bottles yet, but I did speak to a director today about it. They want to shoot it this summer. They are experienced filmmakers with numerous awards in documentaries.

I had pretty much given up on this script when I posted it here at SS. Don put it up last Sunday, so seven days later... It will probably be removed from here shortly. I hope. But, I've been doing this a long time now so I know better than to think this is a done deal.

I did want to share though, for those who argue that studio readers should read more than the first few pages, because their story gets better as you read on. This director said he downloaded several scripts from here at the same time and read them on a flight from LA to the east coast. He said the other scripts he only read the first few pages. In other words, those first few are important.

An other reason he liked the script was because the main character was proactive.

SS rocks is all I have to say.  



Revision History (1 edits)
Grandma Bear  -  April 16th, 2018, 8:57pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 33
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006