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The Hit by PH Cook - Thriller - A financially desperate bank teller seduced by a thief to help him rob the bank must hunt down his gang for her share of the loot when they screw her over. 105 pages
production: A female lead heist thriller with a happy ending. Indie budget. contest: Coverage with "CONSIDERs" available upon request. - pdf, format
This is a script I wrote about 2.5 years ago. I posted it on InkTip and I was sooooo excited when Mind's Eye optioned it. I was so excited I signed the contract for two years... Big mistake! I had several people approach me about this script, but due to that option that I was sure would lead to another produced feature film, I had to turn them down. This past January, the option ran out and the script was now back in my hands. I posted it again at inktip and absolutely no one was interested this time. I will never again option a script for a dollar and absolutely no way for two f'n years.
I believe this script is in pretty good shape. I have no desire to re-write it, however, if anyone has any better ideas for a logline, I'm all ears.
This is a script I wrote about 2.5 years ago. I posted it on InkTip and I was sooooo excited when Mind's Eye optioned it. I was so excited I signed the contract for two years... Big mistake! I had several people approach me about this script, but due to that option that I was sure would lead to another produced feature film, I had to turn them down. This past January, the option ran out and the script was now back in my hands. I posted it again at inktip and absolutely no one was interested this time. I will never again option a script for a dollar and absolutely no way for two f'n years.
I believe this script is in pretty good shape. I have no desire to re-write it, however, if anyone has any better ideas for a logline, I'm all ears.
No free options on features for sure and no two years. Learned my lesson the hard way as well on $1 option (they can be sooooo convincing with their BS). I'm guessing we all go through that ringer as a rite of passage.
On your log line - seems relatively solid as is:
- What wasn't quite clear was - Is she sexually seduced vs. seduced by the promise of wealth?
- Teller may be a better term then Clerk
- May want to use term thief rather than bank robber to avoid the redundancy of bank
My suggestions.
A financially desperate bank teller seduced by a thief to help him rob the bank must hunt down his gang for her share of the loot when they screw her over.
Sean, you're welcome to read it, but I'm so done with this script. I'm not going to spend any more time on re-writes. This reminds me though, I did start reading yours. I think I read about 1/3. I've just been super busy lately. I haven't had much time for anything lately.
Thanks Dave! The logline has been changed. I really really suck at those. I wish I didn't.
Sorry to hear about it. It comes with the business.
Regarding the loggline, is it necessary to have the “seduced by a thief to help him rob the bank” part? It’s kind of implied that she was involved and got screwed over. The how should be left for the reader to find out.
I think it reads smoother without it: a financially desperate teller must hunt the gang for her share of the loot when they screw her over.
Hope this helps, Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Sorry to hear about it. It comes with the business.
Regarding the loggline, is it necessary to have the “seduced by a thief to help him rob the bank” part? It’s kind of implied that she was involved and got screwed over. The how should be left for the reader to find out.
I think it reads smoother without it: a financially desperate teller must hunt the gang for her share of the loot when they screw her over.
Hope this helps, Gabe
Ha, what do you know! I thought I had the logline down, but I should have known the SS crowd would be the best to turn to!
Pia, I'm reading this for the craic - very entertaining and we'll written so far...
The logline could do with a revamp imh.
In Gabe's suggestion however, it would be 'a' bank in the context it's written and I'd steer away from a colloquialism like 'screw over' in place of a more sophisticated term like : exploit or swindle, cheat or betray.
P.S. Isn't she assistant manager, not a teller? A generic way would be to call her a bank employee.
Libby, cheers for your thoughts! You are absolutely correct. She's the bank branch manager. Love your suggestions for alternate words. Absolutely sounds better! I think after a few more thinks about this, I'll have a better one. Like I said, I totally suck at loglines and admire people who can write them. After all, that's the first thing people see.
Gabe's spot on with omitting that first bit of the logline. I didn't read that first bit right, with the 'a bank/the bank'. Disregard my comment there. No need to reply.
We’re a writing family. Often dysfunctional but still a family lol.
Sometimes it’s a hit or miss with the logline. I just got lucky.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Thanks Gabe! I'll keep it as is for now, just because it gives a little more info. I don't expect anything to happen with this anymore. It's dead in the water.
Thanks Gabe! I'll keep it as is for now, just because it gives a little more info. I don't expect anything to happen with this anymore. It's dead in the water.
Pia, what's with this negative Nelly bullshit? Come on, get motivated. Something good will happen with it. =)
Not breaking out any champagne bottles yet, but I did speak to a director today about it. They want to shoot it this summer. They are experienced filmmakers with numerous awards in documentaries.
I had pretty much given up on this script when I posted it here at SS. Don put it up last Sunday, so seven days later... It will probably be removed from here shortly. I hope. But, I've been doing this a long time now so I know better than to think this is a done deal.
I did want to share though, for those who argue that studio readers should read more than the first few pages, because their story gets better as you read on. This director said he downloaded several scripts from here at the same time and read them on a flight from LA to the east coast. He said the other scripts he only read the first few pages. In other words, those first few are important.
An other reason he liked the script was because the main character was proactive.