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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Intraplay Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 24th, 2019, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Intraplay by C. Rob Dunphy - Thriller - A sadistic psychologist condemns patients to death as her detective husband must solve the series of puzzling homicides. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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ericdickson
Posted: May 28th, 2019, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, I've been off Stage 32 for a bit so I'm just hearing about your new script.  I'll try to give this a read as soon as I can.  

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CRob
Posted: May 31st, 2019, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Sounds good Eric! You'll see I took all your feedback to heart and put it to good use. I hope all is well.
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ericdickson
Posted: June 1st, 2019, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CRob
Sounds good Eric! You'll see I took all your feedback to heart and put it to good use. I hope all is well.


Oh, yes.  This is the rewrite.  It's been awhile.  I'll for sure check it out.  
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eldave1
Posted: June 2nd, 2019, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Just browsing around the site - snippets here and there. Anyway - Your opening:


Quoted Text
EXT. QUAINT OPEN-AIR BRUNCH – DAY


An odd header for me. It's an event not a location. What are we supposed to be seeing as the setting? For example, if this was in a park, it would be:

EXT. PARK - DAY

A quaint open-air brunch is underway.

Hope that makes sense - brunch is not a setting/location.

QUAINT OPEN-AIR BRUNCH – DAY[


Quoted Text
A hungry man leans in, scans, sees a morsel, grabs it with a
grin, he is VICTOR SMALLS, 40, a gruff man of logic, and litefare doesn’t cut it.


Should be a period after grin. "He is" should start the next sentence.

Didn't quite understand the description. i.e., what does -  a gruff man of logic, and litefare doesn’t cut it - mean?


Quoted Text
Victor sees a refined couple at a nearby table.


Cap couple.


Quoted Text
A content man mouths a giant burger, a slug from a garnished
cocktail. A happy woman sips wine, narrates a drama free
anecdote to an attentive husband.

CONTENT MAN and HAPPY WOMAN should be capped.

didn't understand - a slug from a garnished cocktail.


Quoted Text
Victor sees a satisfied couple at peace. He longs.


Again - couple should be capped.

All in all, I had to read this a couple of times to get my bearings. I think it needs a bit more detail in terms of the setting.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 1:41am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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How does one grab something with a grin?

Sorry... haha... just reminds me of 'The Eyes Have It' by Philip K Dick. Very funny short story, you should check it out.


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CRob
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Good comments. I'll revisit and make the changes. Best!
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