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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Whispers - Optioned Moderators: bert
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  Author    Whispers - Optioned  (currently 292 views)
Don
Posted: July 1st, 2019, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Whispers by Oscar Moreno - Thriller - In order to save a kidnapped woman, an ASMR vlogger must uncover the identity of a cyberstalker as he exposes her secrets online. 84 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 12th, 2019, 11:30am
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Twenteen
Posted: July 5th, 2019, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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POTENTIAL SPOILERS (But I will do my best to keep things vague)







I really liked Whispers, I felt it put a unique and current spin on some otherwise well-trodden ground in modern horror a la Unfriended, which I can only assume was a partial inspiration. The ASMR creep scenario is begging to be made into a horror movie and you've fully realised its potential here- add to that the fact that this would clearly be very cheap to make, and I can see studio execs lapping this up. I'm interested to know if you're making any attempts to get this produced?

The tension in this movie builds perfectly, and I could feel Gaby's terror and dread just oozing out of every page. I love the way things unfold too, as the more we find out about Gaby and her past, the more we begin to question whether or not we should even be on her side- very nice touch, quite Black Mirror-esque. With the Livestream scene taking up a good chunk of the movie, I was thinking whilst reading that it might be better suited to have the entire movie play out through the POV of some sort of webcam, taking it even further into Unfriended territory. Trying to picture it onscreen, I can imagine it being quite jarring to go back to a normal style of film after being with Gaby and the Viewer in the livestream for so long. Having said that, the scene where Gaby meets the Viewer in person and the rug is pulled out from under the audience once again is a brilliant twist, and the following dinner/live ASMR performance is wonderfully chilling. Sadly, this was where the script peaked for me, and the rest of the finale fell into a lot of cliche traps that we've seen in a thousand horror movies before, and after a very promising 75%, it was a shame to go out with more of a whimper than a bang. The epilogue scene was a nice touch, however, ending on a warm note after being chilled for so long and giving some closure on plot points touched on earlier in the film, it's nice that they had some sort of emotional payoff.

There were several grammar and spelling mistakes throughout- I won't list each and every one here, but there were a few too many to ignore. Definitely could have done with another proofread. I don't see this as a heinous error, in case you can't tell for the most part I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and look forward to more from you.
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OscarM
Posted: July 5th, 2019, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Tweenteen - Thank you so much! I'm extremely flattered by your review and overall kind words. As of this moment, this is something I'm selling for other people to make. I think I could take on it myself as well but given that I'm busy with other projects, it's not something that I don't think I'll be able to do soon. So I'm selling it. I actually have some contacts in the ASMR community to get the script out there and see if somebody could become attached but it's not happened, not yet at least.

Unfriended was definitely an inspiration, as well as Searching, Cam, a brilliant script called AMA that was on The Black List last year. Black Mirror is definitely another good call, it's one of my favorite shows. But I'll say, I think it could definitely be done in the style of Searching and/or Unfriended, but I also hope it could be done by cutting between screens, the actors and maybe having the messages appear on screen. Or a combination of all, that's definitely up to the director that decides to take on it. My hope is that it still works so that the drama, suspense and surprises still come through.  And thanks for bringing up the grammar and spelling mistakes, it's something that ends up getting away from me no matter how much I read it so I'll take a look at that. Again, thank you so much not just for reading it but for digging it too! I have other scripts around Simply Scripts so feel free to take a look, but for sure, stay tuned for new stories!

Revision History (1 edits)
OscarM  -  July 6th, 2019, 1:55pm
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OscarM
Posted: August 2nd, 2019, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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Bump as I fixed typos and other things.
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eldave1
Posted: August 2nd, 2019, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Oscar: Gave the first 30 pages a read.

- Overall, you're a pretty talented writer, IMO. Crisp and clean.

- Some technical terms gave me pause early on (like the type of recorder) - but caught up. For a non techie audience look for opportunists to explain the technology in lay man terms.

- Very strategic is this would be cheap to produce

I have two ideas for your consideration.

1) Breaking the online sessions up into smaller chunks. Have the Viewer or Gaby break them off - let tension build in between. As an example, when Gaby first blocks the Viewer, rather than the debate in the online community, have Gaby shut down the session, then close the app, tehn can get an email or something from the Viewer akin to - that was a mistake. Be  up in an hour or else - he sends an image of the girl blindfolded/in danger.

The sessions just go on too long - finding ways to cop them up and then adding tension scenarios in between I think would ratchet it up.

2) More private sessions - the other viewers were fine at first, but around page 30 they became distracting to the tension between Gaby and the Viewer.  I'd find a way to have them go into private sessions.

Nice work here, dude - some top notch writing IMO.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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OscarM
Posted: August 3rd, 2019, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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Dave, thank you so much for checking it out and for your feedback and kind words! I'll take everything you're saying into consideration. I hope somebody who wants to make a movie agrees with you about it being cheap to produce!
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eldave1
Posted: August 3rd, 2019, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from OscarM
Dave, thank you so much for checking it out and for your feedback and kind words! I'll take everything you're saying into consideration. I hope somebody who wants to make a movie agrees with you about it being cheap to produce!


My pleasure.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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OscarM
Posted: August 5th, 2019, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Bump. Fixed a couple of things!
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Arundel
Posted: August 6th, 2019, 2:36am Report to Moderator
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I know about the ASMR videos so that pulled me in. Also, there's very brief mention of the subject in a script I posted here. Back to business. The formatting in the script - between the chat room, the one on one conversations, and emails - may not have been correct but for the most part I could follow what was going on. It was easy to picture the action. I could see the cuts happening and camera angles switching from close on Gaby's face to pop-up messages, etc. Now it may not look the same as you pictured it or a director might, but the visual cues were there nonetheless.

I went back to see what age range you assigned Gaby. Late 20s seems a bit mature for this. Most ASMR-ettes seem to be late teens/early 20s. This got my attention when you mentioned the younger sister being early 20s. But yes I could see it going over well with that age group and fairly easy to make.
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OscarM
Posted: August 6th, 2019, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Arundel, thanks for reading and for your comments!

Format-wise, I just decided to write it in the way that was most practical and closes to my knowledge. At the same time, I'm hoping it's reflective of the idea that the filmmakers can shoot it in the way that's mot practical and most convenient to them, or that fits their stylistic needs. It could be done as Unfriended or Searching, or like Jaume Collet-Serra handles that stuff in The Shallows and Non-Stop where the text is on-screen next to the filmed actors, or maybe even in some kind of crazy Danny Boyle way with split-screens, mixed footage, etc. I'm just glad there are possibilities laid out from the description.

As for the age, I'm friends with a few ASMRists and they're in their late 20s. I think it goes well for an ASMRist who already has a significant fanbase to let that be a big component of their livelihood. Still, it's true that quite a few ASMRists who are starting out are far younger. Again, thanks for the read and for commenting!
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Don
Posted: August 12th, 2019, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Oscar informs me that this has been optioned.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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