Together Apart by Lee Greenhough - Thriller - When a brother and sister run away from care to find their mum, they witness a murder that sets them on a dangerous path trying to escape a psychotic criminal and a pressured social worker. 95 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I started reading this and what I read was pretty good. One thing that you should look at is Ellie getting older. She is 8 years old at the beginning but when Jessica is talking to Molly she says she is "nine".
There are also a couple of places where you tell us what the character is thinking, that is a no no with a script. Also Malcolm calls Jessica "Jess" which she objects to yet when he calls her it again she says nothing. Sounds a bit picky but I just wonder why she objected if it didn't really matter to her and if it does bother her so much why doesn't she object again.

Oh and Jimmy snorting coke from a "vial" is that even possible?

I'm not going to keep coming back as I read it so I'll just add one more thing, Cain saying "Motherfucka" doesn't sound right, he is a hard London gangster and that's not the language of an English gangster. He probably would have said something like "FUCK SAKE"

Sorry I had to add this, you can NOT tell us how the dog feels.

I'm half way through so will probably finish this now.

I might as well add as I go now.

CAIN changes to CAI, obviously just a typo.

You have the wrong character name:

COLLEGUE
Jesus Jessica, what’s happened?
MALCOLM
That useless prick of a man suspended me.

"She throws off a dangling mess tin in disgusted."

As I read on it felt more and more like "True Romance" some of the scenes felt so similar.

Just a few more things.

Do we really need the scene where Jessica takes the baby from the young couple, I get you wanted her to be suspended but she could have just left because of the lack of support from Malcolm.
Also him asking for her ID was very "American" (chief takes his badge and gun)

Also the dialogue from Cain was again very "American"

CAIN
You got heart kid

I say this about the American influence because it's set in England/Wales and not the way I think Cain would speak.

Also I was a bit lost with the scene with Jessica in the hotel, so Cain went to get answers, beat her up and got injured then left without answers and Jessica alive to be a witness, which she would because of the work she does. It's not like she was a wrongun and not about to be a "Grass"

I also didn't get why Sean took the £20 notes and then gave them back with extra £50 notes.

I thought the shooting of Cain was far too obvious, as soon as Sean found the revolver it was apparent what was going to happen.

Anyway just my thoughts and observations, I did quite enjoy it though