Character Actor by Clay von Carlowitz - Thriller - A washed-up B-movie actor becomes the prime suspect in a murder case when his indie filmmaker friend turns up dead. 108 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Clay,

Not an explosive logline, but I was curious, so I open the script.

Got through about a dozen pages. Sorry, but not quite my cup of tea.

Here's some nit picks and general feedback.

* How do we know we're in New York City?
* I would include DAY or NIGHT in your slug-lines, unless you're (as an example), moving from room to room in a house.
* Go easy on verbs ending in -ing, ex: stares instead of staring.
* "We see" is redundant. Let the director decide what we see.
* Page1. "Because that’s exactly what she is.", telling us, doesn't show anything. There are quite a few "telling us" in the first 10-12 pages of the script.
* There are some orphans, one word taking up a entire line. I would try to remove/rework the majority of these.
* I don't believe CONT'D and MORE are that popular anymore.
* "As Fiona gets back to work,", what does that mean, does she serve drinks, cleans the counter, pour some beers, "works" is too generic, IMO.
* Jay walks down a sidewalk and after Al calls him out, you refer to Jay as "the man." Am I missing something?
* At first Christine is a YOUNG BLONDE WOMAN", then in dialogue she's Christina, and eventually we get a character description. There are a couple of these instances where a person is a generic man/woman, before the character gets introduced. Not sure if you need that, at least in the opening of this script.
* I would go easy on words ending in -ly.
* Stay away from is/are/has/does. Using these words most likely will tell us more than show us.
* On pg. 9, MAN (O.S.) instead of MAN (V.O.), otherwise he wouldn't be in the theater.
* Pg.12, "Al pumps his fist high like a sad, delusional sports fan.", you show us, then follow up telling us what that means, I think the last part of the sentence is redundant.

Character descriptions, referring to known names in the film industry, not sure if I like that way describing a character. Not knowing too much about indie festivals, so far, the characters are fairly young, early to mid 20s.

Dialogue: I couldn't quite distinguish Fiona and Christina.

Action: Some of the action was a bit confusing. I guess STRANGER is Jay on page 10, "Jay laughs in his face as Al cools off", why STRANGER? On page 8, how can Fiona press fingers to Al's lips if she sits a few seats away?

For the most part, formatting good.

All the best with your script.

Frank