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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Blood and Feathers - WT - Produced Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Blood and Feathers - WT - Produced  (currently 4378 views)
khamanna
Posted: March 23rd, 2018, 4:06am Report to Moderator
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I'm so sorry you pulled that out as it's a great entry, Dena. And what's best - someone can film it.

The only thing I think in terms of feedback here - you could have the Dad say it's Azazello first. Otherwise, it's a bit of ON for me at the end.

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khamanna  -  March 23rd, 2018, 4:44am
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 23rd, 2018, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys and girls for reading this and giving me some notes. I do plan on cleaning it up. It was last minute as always and I do like the story, heck, maybe I'll film it one day
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Warren
Posted: April 23rd, 2018, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi Dena,

This is a really great story.

The dialogue could definitely use a bit if tightening up, but it has the bones of a great piece.

Just a few things, I'd lose the slow mo, not so much because it a camera direction, more because I don't think it adds anything.

I think if you wanted a slow mo this is where I would put it.


Quoted Text
But they are gone.


So I don't think they should both be gone, as that's not really how it works. I think the Angel should go and her lifeless body should drop to the ground or maybe into her father's arms, as if just her soul/essence, whatever you want to call it was taken. I think this would make more sense, and be more effective in slow motion if you were that way inclined.

Anyway, they are really small issues.

Regardless it's a solid script.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: April 24th, 2018, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Warren. I need to give it a rewrite. May film this one day myself. Appreciate all the feedback.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: December 10th, 2018, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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A little excited.  I'm going to be filming this in January!! Working on rewrite from these great notes.  
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Warren
Posted: December 11th, 2018, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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I look forward to seeing it.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: December 11th, 2018, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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The hardest part is that I am looking to find someone to make real mechanical feathers ... an open span of 7 feet... that will open and close smoothly.
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Don
Posted: February 21st, 2019, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Produced:




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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: February 21st, 2019, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Dena,

Very nice.  Well done.  Congrats.


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LC
Posted: February 21st, 2019, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Ditto to that!

Dena, I admire you for getting stuck in and doing it for yourself.


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Philostrate
Posted: February 21st, 2019, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Tip of the hat, Dena!

Nicely done.



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Philostrate  -  February 22nd, 2019, 12:25pm
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 22nd, 2019, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This was:

Excellent!!! Excellent!!! Excellent!!! Excellent!!! Excellent!!! ... ... ...

From his point of view, the bad angel was completely evil.

From the little girl's point of view he was an angel of light.

What a beautifully done short.

You should be proud of yourself.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 25th, 2019, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Liked this a lot, the duality was excellent.

Good job!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 2nd, 2019, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys.. and girls.. it was VERY hard to SHOW the different POVs with what I had to work with. After you film something you always realize there are plot problems.. unbelievable problems... things like that. I wish one day that I can learn to catch those type things ya know. It's so hard with your own writing to find those things.. that's why notes like we get here on ss are so IMPORTANT. Enjoyed filming it. Learned a lot. Again. LOL
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eldave1
Posted: March 4th, 2019, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats !


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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